One of the Classics that few have probably read...

[Justice 0]

ML DANCE-OFF!!!

 

The camera snaps back into Madison Square Garden, leaving behind the line of desperate New York homeless bearing signs that read “WILL WRESTLE FOR FOOD.” One particularly fellow, in a somewhat large robotic body and bearing the voice of Leonard Nimoy, bears a sign that says, “WILL WRESTLE FOR SARAH,” but no one pays him much heed.

 

“This is bad comedy!” quips Comet, and, chuckling, Axis turns to him.

 

“What’d he say his name was?”

 

“Hell if I know!”

 

“Damn right!”

 

“Onto the match!”

 

Both commentators, saving their breath for what promises to be a grueling mofo of a showdown turn their heads to the entrance and await the next competitors, whispering to one another as the crowd’s anticipation rises.

 

“This,” whispers Comet, “is another legendary meeting on this legendary, historical final night of IGNML programming. Two of our hottest-ever prospects, Edwin MacPhisto and the King of Hearts…stablemates, friends, and showmen, meeting for the first time ever.”

 

“And here in the ML!” beams Axis, proud. “Just as it should be…”

 

The lights drop out into utter blackness, and the arena is initially met with silence. A fairly long silence.

 

“I guess they’re deciding who comes out first,” ponders Comet, scratching his heroic chin. Suddenly, feedback rips through the arena, and the house lights sizzle back to full before dropping out again, this time more suddenly…

 

…and much, much more stylishly!

 

“The Carnival’s in town!” whoops Comet, and a soft female voice whispers, “Midnight Carnival as the IGNTron flashes to life, blazing white in time with the opening beats of the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ “Love Rollercoaster” as the Carnival’s anthem pumps through the arena, revealing with each flash thin black lettering that reads “Step Right Up.” As the guitar part drops in, three blue laser lights trace the arena, all stemming from the same point in the middle of the entrance ramp. As the words “rollercoaster of love” echo through the arena for the first time, the laser lights flare out into a blue haze across the entrance ramp, and the explosive cheers of the audience reach a crescendo as Edwin MacPhisto and the King of Hearts step out slowly, Edwin’s arms extended and King’s crossed with a grin as their fans give them a rollicking homecoming!

 

“What a great sight to see all these legends home for one final night, and in the Garden, no less,” smiles Axis, caught up in the excitement.

 

As the refrain arrives for the first time, the arena plunges back into darkness just as purple strobe lights tear through the house and the blue laser lights spiral wildly, illuminating the two returning heroes in funky, staccato bursts. The IGNTron video plays, flashing half-second clips of classic maneuvers from the Carnival’s members, and Edwin and the King stride down the ramp, striding in step to the beat and slapping hands all the way!

 

“These two are great! Sharing an entrance, keeping our tech costs low so I can get a pension—pure heroism!” praises Comet. The two men climb into the ring, approaching Funyon as he raises his mic to announce the match, quickly motioning him to stop. Soon enough, the three men have formed a huddle…

 

“What are they murmuring about?” wonders Axis. In a moment’s notice, Funyon snaps away from the huddle, gasping and nodding like a heroin addict at a free-heroin party. He leaps over the top ring rope and scrambles to the announcers’ table, snags a walkie-talkie, and starts blabbering frantic instructions as Edwin and the King each produce mics from their suavely coiffed hair.

 

“Friends, Romans, ML FANS!” beings Edwin, rallying the crowd, “lend me your ears! Tonight, for one night only, the last and final night, we, your two golden gods of the ring, have returned, to give you one bloody amazing show!” The crowd roars, and the King smiles at Edwin, grinning a knowing grin. He takes up the mic.

 

“Now,” begins the Gambling Man, “here’s an interesting question: who here wants to see us WRESTLE THE BEST DAMN MATCH IN ML HISTORY, AND WRESTLE IT RIGHT NOW?” The cheers are absolutely DEAFENING and not even Comet’s ever seen such a response.

 

“I can’t believe this! This is a dream match, truly!” Edwin takes up the mic and starts to speak again, barely concealing his smile.

 

“Very, very interesting…now…before we begin…one final question…” He pauses, savoring each second as the crowd hangs in anticipation. “We know who wants to see us wrestle…but who…yes, who…wants to see us…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…dance?”

 

“OH MY GOD!” cries Axis. “OH MY GOD!” The crowd EXPLODES again and windows somewhere actually shatter, deeply angering the Window-Making Man. “THEY’RE…GOING…TO…DANCE!”

 

Edwin shouts, “Hit it, Funyon!” and suddenly, a surprise party…is ON!

 

“Stayin’ Alive” blares through the arena and Funyon hops up on the apron, shaking his head to the beat, shaking his booty, and shouting loudly as Edwin and the King tear off their ring attire to reveal matching white leisure suits!

 

“The following contest…is in the long, fine tradition of the IGNWF…and it is a DANCE-OFF MATCH! The winner wins…THROUGH THE BEAT!” The crowd roaring behind them, the Carnies take off, flipping into a wide spiral of disco moves as the BeeGees chirp through MSG, their signature song raising spirits and spurring clapping!

 

“I can’t believe it! They’ve only been dancing for seconds and this place is already on fire!” cackles Axis. The King clutches at his lapel and busts a funky sidestep while Edwin gyrates against the ropes…and suddenly, the dance party is interrupted as Edwin checks his watch, smirking, as he knows what time it is…

 

“Are…are…are you READY…”

 

“OH MY GOD! AXIS, HE’S COME HOME!” The crowd shouts and screams, and the lights flash a rippled blue…and the familiar voice comes again…

 

“FOR ME ON A MANATEE?!?!?!?!!?!?!”

 

“HOLY SH*T!” cries Axis, and Mercury explodes through the IGNTRON, harnessed to a giant manatee no less!

 

“By god, that manatee’s strapped to the rafters!” cries Comet. The crowd oohs in delight as, like an ancient dragon-rider of yore, Mercury sails above the crowd, waving and dropping RX t-shirts all over his adoring public. The manatee simply groans, pained.

 

“Manatees can’t fly, Comet!”

 

“Tonight, they can!” As Mercury sails above the ring, the disco tunes play on and the King of Hearts and Edwin continue the Funyon monitored jive-competition, shakin’ it to the left, shakin’ it to the right, shakin’ it fast…

 

“THIS IS FOR THE PEOPLE OF THE SUN!”

 

“OH MY GOD! AXIS, NOW *HE’S* COME HOME!” The remaining fragments of the IGNTRON shatter into nothingness as SPARK comes sailing through on a harnessed manatee of his own, this one painted red but groaning just as faintly and pained as Mercury’s! Spark sails forward, donning a knight’s helmet and producing a large jousting staff from the manatee’s side! The manatee groans a faint “unnnnnngh” and surges forward, sailing through the rafters towards Mercury and his lumpy steed!

 

“Crikey, it’s a flying manatee duel!” cackles Axis, who is Australian! The disco maniacs keep on truckin’, and the music change soon lets them slow it down a bit and catch some FUN-KAY breath!

 

“Duel of the Fates” rips through the arena as Spark and Mercury circle about on their manatee steeds, and the in-ring groovers adopt a slower, more overdramatic flailing motion, dueling with faux invisible lightsabers and executing absurd jump-kicks! Spark lunges forward and Mercury lets out a primal scream in German or something like that, and it sounds like “UNGRWUITEN!,” and Spark’s jousting lance flies just over Mercury’s head…

 

…RIGHT INTO HIS MANATEE-SUSTAINING RIGGING!

 

“OH NO!” bellows Axis, and Mercury’s face blanks out as his manatee starts to drop, drop, drop!

 

“Elevator going down!” Comet’s cackles echo throughout the arena as the lumpy beast and its rider topple down hundreds of feet from the rafters of MSG…as the descent continues, Mercury leaps away, firing his jetpack and cackling with glee, heading back through the shattered IGNTRON and leaving his manatee far behind! “That traitor—put on your helmets!”

 

The manatee, overcome by apathy and terminal velocity, says: “UNNNNNNNNNNH…”

 

…and CRASHES INTO THE RING, CAUSING THE CANVAS TO RIPPLE AND SENDING TED FLINK SAILING OUT AND INTO THE GUARDRAIL, WHERE HE CONCEIVEABLY PASSES OUT!

 

“A MANATEE JUST HIT THE RING!” shouts Axis. “AND SOMEHOW, EVEN THOUGH HE WAS NOT YET HERE, TED FLINK IS DOWN!”

 

“MORE IMPORTANTLY,” SHOUTS COMET, “LOOK AT—ahem, look at what’s happening at ringside!”

 

As Funyon tries to peel the manatee off the canvas, Christian Fury comes leaping out of the crowd to help! “Fury’s here! What a show of sportsmanship!”

 

“That’s not what I’m talking about, you Australian person, you! Look HARDER!” Axis squints, and suddenly he sees them: the legion of beautiful, perfectly shaped, intelligent, witty, and charming women crawling out from under the ring!

 

“I see it! The manatee’s impact must have jarred them from their ungodly prison!” The beautiful women, whom there are scores of, climb out into the ring, shakin’ the proverbial it as Edwin busts a quick inverted tango, flocking all over, some helping Funyon and Fury with peel duty, some helping Edwin keep his beat , but the vast majority starting straight for the Gambling Man!

 

“Amazing! All these beautiful women are flocking to the King of Hearts!”

 

“Why, look! They’ve found him infinitely charismatic and charming!”

 

“That they have!” Axis nods his silent, knowing reply as the woman bump and grind with the King while he looks on, grinning sheepishly and adopting a cute, puppy-dog face.

 

“Man, chicks sure dig him…and look, for who knows what reason, Christian Fury’s actually started a breakdancing competition!” The thick breakbeats of Goldie’s “Digital” drop into the arena and the crowd gets on its feet once again as Edwin leaps from turnbuckle to turnbuckle, pumping his fist and looking back as Fury drops into an amazing headspin, whirling and jiving as Lucky and IL sail across the ring on skateboards for no good reason at all.

 

“Skateboards?” clamors Comet. “Why, this is delightful!” Suddenly, the lights in the arena drop out once more, and the sounds of IL crashing and shouting, “Ow, my face, my precious face!” are nearly drowned out as the theme from the Yogi Bear cartoon show rips through the arena.

 

“I think things are about to get a whole lot more delightful!” cries Comet, giddy to the max. The Yogi Bear theme fades into some random Everclear song, and Art Alexakis undoubtedly shouts “YEAH!” somewhere along the way, cueing the entrance of…

 

“Holy heavens, it’s Smokey the Bear!” cries Comet. The crowd ooh’s as he starts to shake one leg on the entrance ramp, beginning the Charleston under a wash of blue pyro as the ring-side partiers gaze on…

 

“All these moves, from just one bear!” shouts Axis, in utter astonished disbelief as the grooving Bear suddenly drops into the Electric Slide!

 

“Folks,” shouts Edwin, suddenly bearing a mic, “that’s no ordinary bear! Give it up for your bad boy from Baton Rouge, CHRIS RAYNOR!” The crowd EXPLODES with delight and even the madly-breakdancing Christian Fury pulls himself up off the mat to watch. Somewhere, blood spills out of IL’s broken face, and people pointedly ignore this, since dancing bears are f**kin’ cool. The folks in the ring, now registering as Edwin, the King, Spark, a dead manatee, Christian Fury, Funyon, and endless hordes of constantly re-spawning beautiful women drop into multiple lines, shaking along to the beat as the random Everclear song drops into the classic Electric Slide!

 

“This is brilliant!”

 

“Astounding!”

 

“Fantastic!” And then the music stops.

 

“Whaaaaaat?” cries Comet. The crowd groans, and suddenly, the grooving man-bear extends a single paw to the audience. He reaches around back as the dancers stand frozen, forever paused on the ebb of time as the faint sound of a zipper sliding down its rickety track clip-clops through the arena.

 

“Could it be…?” ponders Axis. “A metamorphosis?” The zipper sound stops, and the bear suits starts to slack.

 

And, in one everlasting moment, a voice echoes out:

 

“BEEEEAR SMAAAAAAASH!” “Walk the Dinosaur” by Was Not Was kicks in and the crowd goes wild as, with one sudden jerk, Chris Raynor yanks off his bear suit and tosses it to the crowd, giving some fan a fine souvenir of the Midnight Carnival as well as the stupidest concussion ever! Beneath the bear suit: a leopard print sarong, in full Caveman Chris Style!

 

“CAVEMAN CHRIS IS HERE! CAVEMAN CHRIS IS HERE!” shouts the commentators, and as the in-ring dancers bust into a sensual groove, dozens of beautiful cavegirls pour out from under the ring! They immediately run towards the King of Hearts, and somehow all 30-something of them dance with him!

 

“Amazing! All these beautiful women are flocking to the King of Hearts!”

 

“Why, look! They’ve found him infinitely charismatic and charming!”

 

“That they have!” Axis nods his silent, knowing reply as the woman bump and grind with the King while he looks on, grinning sheepishly and adopting a cute, puppy-dog face. It seems that no one can get enough of the party, and Edwin, satisfied, backflips out of the ring, darting up the ramp, a few beautiful women chasing behind! “Where’s our funmaster going?” whines Axis. “It’s only just begun!”

 

“He must have--” and the lights drop out once more, calling forth gasps across the arena. A wispy, scratchy voice calls out from the back…

 

“So says the…why-why-why…it’s GREASED LIGHTNING!” The lights flash on again, revealing an absent Edwin, but in his place: Reece Black, Silent, and Thoth, the CLAN, all decked out in tight jeans and leather jackets!

 

“Everyone’s here to party! I can’t believe it!” Suddenly, a huge explosion of red pyro shatters the arena’s consciousness, and three more figures emerge from the entry ramp as the “Grease Megamix” continues to pump. The Clan backpedals down the ramp towards the ring, slowly shakin’ it as the figures of Apoc X, Brimstone, and…Anarchy, yes ANARCHY, come out, clad in dresses and hoop skirts!

 

“IT’S RED STORM RISING, BACK TOGETHER FOR ONE NIGHT TO FACE OFF WITH THE CLAN IN THE ONE WAY THEY KNOW HOW!” shouts Axis!

 

“A reminiscence of those hot summer nights?”

 

“You’re damn right!”

 

“Summer lovin, had me a blaaaast…” starts Reece…

 

“Summer lovin, happened so fast…” calls Apoc…

 

“I met a girl, crazy for meeee…”

 

“Met a boy, cute as can be…”

 

“Summer days,” they join, “drifting away, but OH, those summmmer nights!”

 

“Tell me more, tell me more!” shout Silent and Thoth, “did you get very far?”

 

“Tell me more, tell me more!” chirp Anarchy and Brimmy, “like does he have a car?”

 

“Ooh ahh ahh, ooh ahh ahh, ooh ahh ahh ooh ahh, ah ooh ahh ahh, ooh ahh ahh, ooh ahh ahh ooh ahh…”

 

“Summer dreams,” wisp Reece and Apoc, staring into each other’s eyes… “ripped at the seams…but…OHHH! Those sum-mer…. NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHTS!”

 

“TELL ME MORE--”

“TELL ME MORE--”

 

“TELL ME MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!”

 

“What soul!” cries Comet. “These enemies have—wait a second, they’re holding that last note!”

 

“It’s a battle of breaths!” explains Axis. “A show of strength! Who will relent?” The Clan holds their tenor pitch, gasping and throwing cutthroat signals at RSR, who puff their dresses and raise a beautiful soprano…they start to advance, getting into each other’s faces, glaring angry glances…and the lights drop out, again!

 

“This could be a brawl, get those lights on!”

 

And, as if someone could hear Axis…one, single light snaps on…at the entrance ramp. The singers release their note, drifting the arena into silence as a lanky, wild-haired silhouette stands in the light, back to the ramp, guitar in hand…

 

…and kicks in on the opening riff of “Dancing with Myself!”

 

“On the floors of Tokyo-o,

from the London-town a go-go,

with the record collection and the music selection,

I’m a dancin-with myself!” The lights flare to life and the guitar player starts to make his way down the ramp, slamming away at the strings and coming into the light, Edwin MacPhisto in a ripped red leather vest and some tough-as-hell spiked Billy Idol pants! RSR and the Clan make peace and everyone runs into the ring as Spark finds some drums and the King drops in a wicked bassline with his magical-suddenly-appearing bass!

 

“Billy Idol fosters harmony!”

 

“And the King plays a wicked bass!” “Dancing with Myself” rips on as Edwin and the Carnival gang take the anthem through a 16-minute extended jam…

 

--16 MINUTES LATER--

 

Steve Simon and Iceman help each other to their feet, Ash Ketchum hugs his pikachu, Bayawolf kisses Sexton’s decapitated head, and a spirit of unity rises in all the ML superstars past and present as the King of Hearts takes the mic and speaks to an exhausted yet energized crowd…

 

“And so…another midnight carnival draws to a close. All good children must go home to bed…”

 

“…but not without ONE FINAL SONG!” Funyon hops into the ring, announcing the winner as the strains of “We are the World” kick up and the members of the ML, along with several hundred beautiful women, join hands in the ring.

 

“YOUR WINNER—THE ENTIRE ML! WOOOOOOOO!”

 

“We areeee the world…we are the fuuuuuuuuture…” Axis wipes a tear from his eye, and Comet looks on.

 

“This…this is beautiful, my friend…and look!"

 

“Amazing! All these beautiful women are flocking to the King of Hearts!”

 

“Why, look! They’ve found him infinitely charismatic and charming!”

 

“That they have!” Axis nods his silent, knowing reply as the woman bump and grind with the King while he looks on, grinning sheepishly and adopting a cute, puppy-dog face, and the entire crowd flicks its lighters, smiling happily, singing along, as Edwin, Spark, Raynor, and the King, share a grin.

 

They’ve accomplished what they came here for. And in the end, that’s all that truly matters…