Upstarts "Home Office Invasion" segment

[Zack Malibu 0]

Suddenly, as Triple C are verbally battling one another, the screen goes snowy. Static fills the screen, but not Scotty Static...until the actual static fades and the face of the Upstarts resident spokesman is seen in the clear.

 

STATIC

Testing...testing...are we on?

 

A voice off-camera asks "is the red light on?"

 

STATIC

Uh, yeah.

 

Off camera, Jamie O'Hara is heard shouting "We in the red light dissstriiiict!". The camera pans over to him, and catches Christian Wright slugging him in the shoulder.

 

WRIGHT

Way to give us away, Feminem.

 

O'HARA

You steppin' to me son? Just 'cuz you use hundred dolla words don't mean your fists are money too!

 

O'Hara goes ghetto and is about to throw down, when Bohemoth, wearing sunglasses despite the fact it appears to be about 7pm EST and pitch black outside, lowers them, intimidating the young thug to back down.

 

STATIC

Easy you two. Johnny J., you got that camera ready for this?

 

JAX

Let's do it.

 

Jax's camera work is shaky, as he follows behind the group of Static, O'Hara, Wright and the big man, Bohemoth. All of a sudden, Static breaks into a voiceover as he leads the group through an empty parking lot and towards a tall office building that appears to be closed for the holidays.

 

 

STATIC

Gentlemen, welcome to the first ever tour of the OAOAST Home Offices, provided kindly to you by the Global Party Exchange on behalf of The Upstarts. Due to a scheduling conflict, no one will be in the offices during the tour, so you will not get to see those asses that have been smeared with the lip prints of The Originals for the past three years. However, you will find such important information as home addresses for your Christmas card needs...

 

JAX

Scotty...it's the 27th, dude.

 

STATIC

Do you only send out Christmas cards one year and then stop?

 

JAX

Well, no.

 

STATIC

Exactly! Get a jump on things!

 

O'HARA

Yo man, I'm chillin', and I don't mean chillin'...can we get in here and get our heat on or whizz-at?

 

JAX

Damn Jamie, Scotty and I had to play the role of slang spewin' party boys for years and I still have no idea what the hell you just said.

 

BOHEMOTH

Inside.

 

With that one word uttered, Bo readies to use himself as a human battering ram and charge through the door, until Scotty jumps in his way.

 

STATIC

Whoooooa big man, hold up. I just happen to have the key to the problem!

 

WRIGHT

What if they've taken the proper measures for security, Scotty?

 

STATIC

Dude, would YOU be afraid of Charlie Hoss?

 

Static reaches into his pocket and pulls out...a key! (c'mon, what did you THINK he was going to pull out?)

 

(PS: Anyone who took that in the perverted sense needs to stop. Now. kthxbye. We now return to the segment.)

 

A chuckle breaks out from each individual in the group at the mention of the OAOAST's former Head of Security for HeldDOWN~!. After fumbling for a minute, Static gets the door open! The Upstarts enter the home office, but the victory is short-lived, as the alarm to the building sounds as soon as the door shuts behind them!

 

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

WRIGHT

Jesus, that's more annoying than a COD interview! Did you get the alarm code?

 

Static looks at Wright, puzzled.

 

WRIGHT

Aw, fu...

 

STATIC

Haha, gotcha! Of course I got the code!

 

Wright just rolls his eyes as Static makes his way to the codekey and punches in the numerical sequence that stops the annoying alarm.

 

STATIC

All right gentlemen, we are in business!

 

The Upstarts scatter, each of them moving into different rooms and through different hallways. Johnny Jax can't keep up with everyone, so he chooses to tag along with Wright and Bo first.

 

WRIGHT

Well looky here, Bo. Looks like we found ourselves in the home of a cowboy!

 

JAX

Look what else we found...check out this note on his desk!

 

Wright comes over to the desk and picks up the paper, holding it up VERY close to the camera lens, then pulling back and reading it.

 

WRIGHT

Call Agnes...fax contractual options...dear Lord this company must be desperate if they're offering Agnes a contract again. Actually...let's see...

 

Wright picks up the paper and tears it in two, then in fours, and eventually just makes it into confetti and throws it in the air.

 

JAX

It's a celebration, bitches!

 

WRIGHT

Well yessir indeedy, that's how we do it here on the ranch, like that fellow John Wayne did to them redskins back in the day!

 

Bo snickers at Wright's attempt at Southern twang as he moves around the office of Bill Watts, who has been positioned as a figurehead of sorts for the company by the corporate office. Wright starts opening every drawer in sight, when suddenly the phone rings, and he freezes. Bo just looks down at the phone, and neither seem to know what to do.

 

JAX

Should we get that?

 

Wright inches towards the desk, and then quickly grabs the phone before he rethinks it too much.

 

WRIGHT

OAOAST Corporate, how may I direct your call? REALLY!? Well, I'll be damned. What can I do for...no, no I'm sorry we can't. No...no seriously, we can't . There's not any space on the roster for you. No, we're still having trouble getting the dead weight off of ours...I'm sure you know what that's like! Yes but...look, no, no we're not interested. I said NO! Have you taken too many guitars to the head? Look, I don't give a damn if that's how you roll!

 

Wright's face is red with anger, while Jax laughs, causing the camera to shake. Before Wright can snap completely, Bo takes the phone from him and just hangs it up, then nonchalantly exits the room.

 

JAX

Christian, you have fun, I'm gonna go see what the others are up to.

 

Jax turns and goes down a hall, then stops dead in his tracks and focuses in on a large framed photograph at the end of the hallway.

 

JAX

Guys, check this out!

 

Jamie O'Hara is the first on the scene, peeking his head out of an office door and then coming into the hall, stuffing something into his pocket.

 

JAX

What'd you get?

 

O'HARA

Pens.

 

JAX

What the hell do you need pens for?

 

O'HARA

Who said I needed them? If it's free, it's fo' me!

 

JAX

Whatever man, but look at that. Guys, check it!

 

The sounds of the rest of the Upstarts coming together in the hall can be heard, as Jax plays with the zoom lens, closing in (and then pulling back, and then closing in again) on a framed photograph of an OAOAST legend...

 

 

...FRANK STALLONE~!

 

STATIC

Dear God, that'd give me nightmares if I had to look at that every...Jamie, what the hell are you doing?

 

O'Hara moves towards the photo and takes it by the sides, sliding it off the wall.

 

O'HARA

I might be able to get a few Benjamins fo' this on Ebay!

 

STATIC

That's Frank Stallone, Jamie. If you ship that to someone, they'd probably hunt you down and stab you to death with a salad fork.

 

O'HARA

Fuck it, I'm takin' it.

 

WRIGHT

Fuck it. Ah, what an eloquent young man.

 

O'HARA

You know, I don't know the meaning of that word, so I'm gonna take it as disrespect. Watch yo' mouth, cousin.

 

WRIGHT

I can assure you wholeheartedly that we are of no relation.

 

O'HARA

Yeah, cuz yo' mama didn't have sex!

 

WRIGHT

What!?

 

O'HARA

You know!

 

Wright mumbles something incoherent as the group continues through the offices. Static starts flipping through a pile of papers during the walk, making sounds of disgust as he does.

 

JAX

Whatcha got their, partner.

 

STATIC

Just a few copies of contracts. Do you know Caboose gets more money to sit on his ass on that damn sofa than we do combined?

 

JAX

No shit? And they say we don't have good reasoning to do what we do.

 

STATIC

Damn straight, Johnny Jam. Let's see, who else do we have in this pile. Tony...screw him. Sooner Bruisers...NRG...what the? Who the hell is Max Zorin?

 

A collective "Who" emerges from the mouths of all the Upstarts.

 

STATIC

Says he was in The Boogie Knights with a guy named Kotzenjunge?

 

Another collective "Who" comes from everyone.

 

STATIC

Eh, if we ain't heard of 'em, they're nobodies.

 

JAX

Boogie Knights? Sounds like a second rate GPX to me.

 

STATIC

HA! Get this...apparently Bohemoth's real name is Walter!

 

Everyone freezes, and the big man turns and lowers his glasses, glaring at Static, who takes a big gulp.

 

STATIC

J..just, uh, kidding man.

 

Everyone keeps walking, but you can hear Static nudge cameraman Jax and whisper "not really" as they continue ransacking the place. The "tour" continues, and the Upstarts come to a door that leads them into a large storage wharehouse portion of the building. Again they scatter, picking items off the shelves and surveying them, although O'Hara does it slowly as he has to make sure not to drop the framed photo of Frank Stallone.

 

STATIC

Look at this stuff...ha! Check it out Johnny, our first action figures! Kids, bug your parents to get these, they're definite collectors items!

 

JAX

Dude I hate the way they made my face. Real scan technology my ass. I look like I'm taking a shit.

 

STATIC

What'd you guys find?

 

Jax twirls around and zooms in on Wright, who is displaying a T-shirt for the camera.

 

WRIGHT

Check it out...Northstar T-shirts! These things are still in production?

 

JAX

No, I just don't think they sold any.

 

WRIGHT

HAHA, excellent point J...

 

"AAAAATCHOOOOO!"

 

WRIGHT

Ugh, dammit Bo, cover your mouth. I just bathed myself in your flem and mucus. Here.

 

Wright tosses Bo the Northstar shirt, and he proceeds to blow his nose on it, then folds it up nicely and sticks it back on the shelf.

 

BOHEMOTH

Good as new.

 

Bo and Wright continue surveying the shelves of shirts, looking to see what other treasures they find. Meanwhile a little further down, Jamie O'Hara goes klepto, shoving DVD's into his pants, and throwing a GPX logo hat on, tilting it to the side for full ghetto effect.

 

WRIGHT

I'd hate to think of how many Damaramu shirts are left.

 

STATIC

That's easy...none.

 

WRIGHT

You serious?

 

STATIC

They never bothered to produce them. One of the few smart things this friggin' company has managed. Talk about a money loser.

 

All of a sudden, the door swings open, and the Upstarts all turn, fearful that they're about to be busted by...

 

...the maintenance man. Wearing a brown derby hat that covers his eyes, and a red and green striped sweater, the janitor starts tending to the floor, as if he doesn't even notice The Upstarts in the room.

 

O'HARA

Yo, uh...'scuse me? But we're kinda busy in here.

 

Suddenly, the janitor starts laughing. First it's soft, but as the laughter grows, so does the sound level.

 

Hahahahaha...hahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

O'Hara steps back, eyes widened, as the other Upstarts just shrug when he looks to them.

 

JANITOR

HAHAHAHA...BOO! BOO! I'M THE BOOGEYMAN, AND I'M COMIN' TO GETCHA!

 

O'Hara just stands there with his eyebrows raised, pens in his pockets, DVD's in his underwear, and a Frank Stallone photo in his arms.

 

O'HARA

No you're not, you're the janitor.

 

JANITOR

I, uh...

 

STATIC

Wait, he's not just the janitor, he's Mario Logan! Look!

 

Scotty Static pulls the hat off of the janitor to reveal the OAOAST's longtime horror freak, and leader of the Dungeon of Doom.

 

LOGAN

So, you guys were wondering what happened to me, huh?

 

Static puts an arm around the Freddy fan, and walks with him, as Jax captures the moment.

 

STATIC

Actually Mario, I don't think anyone gives a damn.

 

JAX

HEY! Wait, Scotty...you know Logan was one of the ORIGINAL OAOASTers!

 

STATIC

HE WAS!? Oh well in that case then...

 

Static pulls away from Logan, and delivers a back mule kick to the nuts! Logan cowers, and then Wright picks up the mop bucket and dumps it over his head, sending dirty mop water spilling all over the place before Big Bo delivers a running big boot to the bucket covered head of the freakshow superstar! The Upstarts stand over Logan, and O'Hara reaches down and picks up the hat, then puts it on his head over the GPX logo hat, as all the Upstarts just stare at him.

 

O'HARA

What!?

 

WRIGHT

Hey, check it out!

 

Wright calls to his allies, pointing out a large trophy case, displaying historical OAOAST Title Belts!

 

WRIGHT

Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

 

STATIC

OK, you just sounded like the guy from Animaniacs, and that scares me. I think I know how we can get this open...

 

Before even asking, Bohemoth backs up, then runs forward and drives his boot through the glass, sending shrapnel into the air and the Upstarts ducking for cover!

 

O'HARA

Yo, watch yo'self homey!

 

STATIC

DAMN IT! Bo, why did you do that?

 

BOHEMOTH

You said you knew how to get it open.

 

STATIC

Yes, maybe with THIS!?

 

Static reaches into his pocket and reveals another key, which Bohemoth simply shrugs off.

 

STATIC

All right let's see what we got...one for you, one for you, one for...

 

O'HARA

Yo playa, what the hell is an F13 Champion?

 

JAX

I think Crystal was given that belt after taking on that many guys in the locker room at once.

 

O'HARA

Snap, Crackle, Pop, playa!

 

As Bohemoth looks down at the OAOAST HardKore Championship that has been handed to him, he questions stealing the belts.

 

BOHEMOTH

Are you sure this is a good idea?

 

Static, who is too busy fastening the OAOAST Adrenalin Championship around his waist, is quick to retort.

 

STATIC

Dude, they have like what, EIGHT belts on the show right now? They probably won't even notice!

 

The Upstarts drape themselves in championship gold, stealing all the retired championships from the case. O'Hara is the last one to the case, left with the OAOAST European Championship, which he quickly fastens around...his neck?

 

O'HARA

Bling bling, playa! I'm ballin' now!

 

Static looks at the belt he's got in his hand, the OAOAST North American championship, and tosses it to Jamie.

 

STATIC

You can have this one, you need something to keep those pants up.

 

O'HARA

Hater.

 

WRIGHT

Well, what have we here?

 

Christian Wright makes another discovery, this time finding a rolled up banner. They tear the ropes that have fastened it together apart, and unravel it to reveal...

 

 

...THE OAOAST LOGO BANNER!

 

STATIC

Christian, Bo, Jamie...grab this. I've got an idea. Bring that with us. Johnny, keep that camera rolling, this is gonna be goooooooooooooooooood.

 

JAX

Whatever it is, make it quick, I got a flashing battery light here, brah.

 

STATIC

Nah, this shouldn't take long. Here, back to the parking lot.

 

Static opens one of the side doors, and the group exits the structure, walking back outside into the chilled winter air. They walk towards one of the lights in the lot, and unravel the banner under it, laying it on the pavement.

 

WRIGHT

So, what act of tyranny do you have planned for this fabric?

 

Static comes over and huddles up with the Upstarts, and Wright is quick to pull away.

 

WRIGHT

That's vile, that's downright reprehensible. I LOVE it.

 

STATIC

Let's get to it then. Johnny, you might not wanna zoom in on this though.

 

JAX

What the he...WHY ARE YOU GUYS DROPPING YOUR PANTS?

 

The Upstarts, with their backs to the camera, fiddle with their zippers and reveal more of themselves than was ever needed to be seen on an OAOAST show, though thankfully they have their backs turned, so it's left to the imagination. Moments later, a soft sound, similar to a buzzing noise is heard. The Upstarts are PISSING ON THE OAOAST BANNER!

 

JAX

Hahahaha, this is so aces. They're gonna haaaaaaaaaaaaate usssssssssss!

 

Wright, Static, and O'Hara finish, but Bohemoth is still going strong.

 

O'HARA

Damn, big man, what'd you do, drink two Big Gulps and break the seal today?

 

STATIC

Hey, a big guy like that just has some extra storage space.

 

O'HARA

YOU LOOKED? You queer!

 

STATIC

I didn't look! And who are you calling a queer...you're parading around with a picture of Frank Stallone under your arm!

 

O'HARA

I told you, it's not for me!

 

STATIC

Oh whatev...wait...you hear that?

 

The Upstarts stop dead in their tracks, and the faint sounds of sirens can be heard in the distance.

 

WRIGHT

That bastard Logan must have called the authorities on us!

 

O'HARA

Then let's get to steppin', kid! C'mon!

 

The Upstarts all make a break for it, running to their SUV parked across the parking lot...except for Bo, who's still letting the yellow juice loose! Static gets behind the wheel of the vehicle, with Jax taking shotty and the others piling into the back, and they peel out, driving rapidly through the parking lot before Scotty slams on the brakes besides Bo. Jax, who still has the camera out, zooms in on Bo's face, because the wide shot is not exactly family friendly viewing.

 

JAX

Dude, are you done or what?

 

BOHEMOTH

Yeah yeah, hang on.

 

Bo zips up and calmly gets into the vehicle, and Static throws it back into drive and speeds off before they get caught red-handed, while Jax closes in on the piss-stained logo of the company as they veer off, the sight of police cars filling the OAOAST Home Office parking lot the last thing we see before the battery in the camera dies.

[Zack Malibu 0]

Fuckin' A, this is for the NEW YEARS EVE SHOW! GAH! I removed it from HD...it's not even a finished segment yet!

[Adam 0]

...Oops. Sorry man, with HD at such short notice and all, I was rushing through things.