PROMO: Smarkdown Opening Promo

[King Cucaracha 0]

"Tell me exactly, what am I supposed to do

Now that I have allowed you, to beat me!

Do you think that we could play another game

Maybe I could win this ti-ime."

 

"Oh, great." groans King.

 

"I kinda like the misery you put me through

Darling you can trust me, completely!

If you even try to look the other way

I think that I could kill this ti-ime!"

 

Disturbed's "The Game" kicks into gear and through the curtains emerge the SWF's self proclaimed Power Couple, SWF World Heavyweight Champion Landon Maddix and his trusty manager Megan Skye. The crowd give Landon a predictably hositle welcome as, blood smeared World Title draped over his right shoulder, Landon holds his hands aside and looks to the heavens above, as if thanking the good Todd above for his mere greatness. Megan leads the way as Landon then strides down the aisle, paying the crowd no more attention than he feels they deserve. I.e, none.

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome MEGAN SKYE... and the Smartmarks Wrestling Federation WORLD Heavyweight Champion... LANDON "LA CUCARACHA"... MMMAAAAAADDIIIIIIIXXXXXXXXX!!"

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

 

"Well, here comes a remorseless son of a bitch if ever I saw one." criticises Mak. "The dried blood you can clearly see on our World Championship is that of Amy Stephens, the SWF Hardcore Gamers Champion who we regret to inform you won't be here tonight after the unsettling beating Landon laid on her on Lockdown. Amy has a Grade 3 concussion and is recovering from some understandable side-effects of losing so much blood."

 

"Resisting obvious joke here."

 

"I hate to sound mysogonistic. Amy is an athlete, she's our Hardcore Champion. But she's still a young woman and Landon treated her like a dog on Lockdown, with not a hint of compassion. And now, he comes out here, clearly proud of what he's done."

 

Landon and Megan have by now entered the ring and sent Funyon packing, Landon taking the microphone to the disappointment of all.

 

"EverybodybetterlissenupcosI'vegotsomefingtosayINNIT!"

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

 

Evidently pleased with himself, Landon wipes a wry smile from his face.

 

"See, ere's wot it is, right. Last week, I woz in this ring, right an' I was kickin' someone's arse right, and I...I..."

 

Unable to contain himself any longer, Landon bursts out laughing.

 

"Oh man. Hard to keep that shtick up. I don't know how those English people can talk like that for so long without cracking up, I swear I don't. So let's try some eloquence out here, shall we? Talk like a Champion? And while Amy 'does fetches' a dictionary, allow me to tell you a little story. The story of the 'Ugly Duckling'. See, once there was an ugly duckling, grey in colour, different from the rest. It stood out from the crowd with it's unkept feathers, it's hideous appearance and it's incomprehensible squawking. Everybody shunned that ugly duckling because...well, it was ugly. Duh. But then, one day, they ugly duckling got laid for the first time since her Sixth Form Leaver's Ball when some prat named 'Dazza' in a burberry cap and soiled 'tracky bottoms' took her behind the bike sheds and 'tested her gangsta'. Suddenly, that ugly ducking felt loved. It felt needed. It didn't have to reach for the Rampant Rabbit every night anymore. And by association, that ugly duckling soon became popular. And after all I did for it, what did it do? It dumped me."

 

The crowd cheer, just to make themselves an annoyance. Glancing around, Landon seems just the slightest bit embarrased by the glee people are taking in what was a humiliating moment...until he sees Megan beside him smirking. Well, you'd be perked up by that too.

 

"She 'dumped' me. And you made, oh so much of a big song and dance over it too Amy, didn'tcha? You took such delight in kicking me to the curb on live TV. Well Amy, as the saying goes, paybacks are a bitch. And bitch...consider yourself paid back!"

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

 

"He's got a big mouth knowing Amy isn't around to take offence." sneers King.

 

"All I've heard since Lockdown was what a sick bastard I am." Landon continues. "And if I didn't realise how hypocritical you people are and how insignificant your opinion, I might give a damn. But I don't. I didn't do anything nearly as sadistic as Bruce Blank did. I didn't drop her on her head and try to paralyse her like her brother would. And hey, it's not like I took her title."

 

Megan, completely agreeing, applauds.

 

"I could have, make no mistake. The question is, why would I lower myself to hold such an insignificant, trashy, worthless belt when I'm the SWF World Heavyweight Champion? Barbed wire and flaming tables are all well and good in the backyard and in the bingo halls, but this is WRESTLING! And Hardcore Wrestling is trash! Bruce Blank needs to hit people over the spine with lighttubes because he's an incompetent backyard wrestler who's incapable of anything with any credibility. Bloodshed needs to throw himself into thumbtacks because it's all he's good for, being a freak. The Insane Luchador has to dive into pits of glass because it's the only way people will give a flying crap about him. And Amy Stephens has to wrestle in the Hardcore Division because she's an untrained, no-talent, fat-ass binge drinker who doesn't deserve any employment within the SWF, aside from maybe cleaning up the piss buckets in the back. I don't need to do any of that shit, because I am a professional wrestler and I am the World Heavyweight Champion, something which none of those four can say and will ever be able to say!"

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

 

"Take that!" King sneers, resisting the urge to cry 'Oh, snap' on air.

 

"I am your World Heavyweight Champion and don't you people forget it!" Landon continues, head swelling. "At the end of the night, it's me you'll be watching, because I'm the Champ. The main event. The reason you pay your money to come watch the SWF! I might not come out here like Wildchild and do top rope, reverse dragonrana saults. I might not be like JJ Johnson, hitting people with... Super..Laser..Bomb Drivers. And I might not do Massacre..Death..Bombs through a glass replica of Mother Teresa off of a sixty four foot scaffold, while on fire and eating a rat poison sandwich like Bruce Blank. But I am your World Champion! That means you respect me! What I do, you enjoy! Unconditionally! So if I decide I wanna come out and slap on a cravaté on someone for 10 minutes, you stupid retards are gonna sit on your hands and you're gonna like it! And if I beat a woman half to death, you're gonna keep your damn mouths shut and not so much as DARE to doubt my actions, because I am the World Heavyweight Champion and what I say goes!"

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

 

Unimpressed by this egomaniacal ranting, the Iraqi crowd jeer wildly, much to Landon's frustrations. Megan places her hands over Landon's ears to block out the noise, not wanting the crowd to get to her man.

 

 

However, suddenly the mood changes. A brutal, stuttering guitar riff starts up, a guitar riff not heard in the SWF for nearly two years.

 

“What the hell!?” Suicide King barks.

 

The crowd turns to look disbelievingly at the massive Smarktron and sure enough, they see what they expect to see. Because this music is ‘We Still Kill The Old Way’ by Lostprophets, and it was used back in early 2004 by the man currently shown taking Mike Van Siclen off a balcony and through a table with a move known as the Toxxic Shock Syndrome. Back when this music was first heard in the SWF, the man using it used to be quite popular with the crowd.

 

“TOXXXXXXXXXXX-IC…”

 

Back then, before the days of broken necks, World Titles and Revolution Zero.

 

“TOXXXXXXXXXXX-IC…”

 

Back then, before he fell from grace with the SWF fans, Toxxic would have been cheered over Landon Maddix any day.

 

“TOXXXXXXXXXXX-IC…”

 

It looks like those days are back.

 

*BOOOM!!*

 

Red pyro erupts from the soundstage beneath the Smarktron and for a moment all beyond is obscured by smoke and haze. Then, striding through and wearing a Revolution Zero T-shirt, comes a man with eyeliner, nail polish and spiky black hair.

 

“YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAoooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh…”

 

“What the hell!? Mak Francis says in shock, but for quite different reasons to his commentary partner’s earlier outburst. Sure enough, the man walking down the ramp towards the ring where a smirking Landon Maddix is waiting has the right hair, the right make-up, the right clothes and is coming out to one of two choices for the right music.

 

But sunshine, that ain’t Toxxic.

 

“Is that Matt Myers?” Suicide King exclaims disbelievingly, but the Gambling Man shouldn’t be such a doubter, because that’s exactly who it is. The SWF’s most notorious jobber slides under the bottom rope and climbs to the second buckle where he throws his arms wide, palms flat towards the floor in a pose reminiscent of a certain three-time World Champion.

 

“OK, Landon has to be behind this, right?” Francis says.

 

“Agreed.”

 

“But I thought he said he was done with Amy’s family?” the Franchise says in confusion, “on Lockdown he said, I distinctly remember him saying, that he was done with Amy and her family. Now he comes out here running his mouth and trying to provoke her, then -we presume- pays Matt Myers to come out dressed up as her brother, the brother Landon has been publicly declaring his desire to cripple for, oh, the last four months or so?”

 

“Hush Mak,” King says gloomily, hardly relishing yet more ego stroking from Maddix, “it looks like the ‘Straight-Edge Sensation’ is about to speak.”

 

Sure enough Myers has requested, nay, demanded a microphone and is now standing facing Landon Maddix who is trying -unsuccessfully, it’s worth noting- to keep a grin off his face. Myers raises the microphone, takes a deep breath, and prepares to speak for the first time in a good few years.

 

“Alright, mate? Cor blimey, I weren’t half mad when you laid a walloping on my sister, know what I mean?”

 

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

 

“Come back Dick Van Dyke, all is forgiven,” Francis mutters, putting his head in his hands as Myers manages to murder a British accent even worse than the veteran actor’s disastrous cockney impersonation in ‘Mary Poppins’. The Iraqi crowd don’t seem too happy either, although how they can tell the difference between a genuine British accent and a (maybe deliberately) very poor American attempt is a mystery. Maybe they’re just booing because Landon Maddix is in the ring and smiling. It’s probably a good enough reason.

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, the Punk Rockstar!” Maddix grins, pointing at Myers. “I’m telling you Toxxic, I’m glad you showed up; with Spike Jenkins going all emo we really need another whiny, petulant straight-edger with a liking for appalling music in the federation!”

 

“Shut your bloody mouth Maddix,” Myers-Toxxic responds, mugging horribly, “unless you want me to slap it orf yer flaming face sunshine, ya get me?”

 

“Oh no, I wouldn’t want that!” Maddix says, recoiling in mock horror. “But tell me Toxxic, since you’re here; why has it taken you so long to come and tell me off for sleeping with your sister, huh? I mean you’d have thought that most big brothers would come running when a guy they hated started banging their little sis, but I guess you’re different, right? I mean, was it because you didn’t know what was going on?”

 

“Uh-uh,” fake Toxxic shakes his head, “I’m so completely obsessed with wrestling that I record every show that’s broadcast anywhere in the world and jerk off over it!”

 

“Niiiiiiiiiiice,” Landon grimaces, “so, if you knew that I was banging your sister then why didn’t you do something? Don’t you like her?”

 

“No way!” Myers denies, “I love all my family, gawd bless ‘em every one! Just cos she’s a loud-mouthed bitch with more tits than brains doesn’t mean I don’t care for her!”

 

“Come on Toxxic, be fair,” Landon chides merrily, “no-one could have that much brains! I know some people say that more than a handful is a waste, but mmm-hmm,” the World Champion sighs ostentatiously, “as far as I’m concerned it just means there’s plenty to go in your mouth as well!”

 

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

 

“Urgh, please,” Mak Francis protests, “more detail than I wanted to know!”.

 

“I hate to say this, but Landon actually has a point…” King admits reluctantly.

 

“LAN-DON SUCKS!”

 

“LAN-DON SUCKS!”

 

The crowd are definitely heating up now, the off-duty GIs in the crowd starting the anti-Maddix chants that spread through the fans and showing that hey, different cultures can work in harmony if only there’s something they both dislike equally to focus against. As plans are abruptly made to ship Ash Ketchum to the Middle East, Landon raises his microphone again.

 

“So Toxxic; if you knew I was sleeping with your sister, and you care for your sister, then what on Earth stopped you from coming back and giving me a jolly good going-over?” the Huron native asks his pseudo-British ‘enemy’, waggling his eyebrows in what he probably thinks is a comedic manner. “Don’t tell me; no Visa?”

 

“Prepare to be proved wrong,” Myers says in response, “no Landon, the reason I didn’t bloody well come back and bloody well beat you in for touching my sister was… because I’m afraid of you!”

 

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

 

“Surely not!” Landon denies. “No! I don’t believe it! Toxxic, the man everyone knew as a violent, psychotic maniac who’d never back down from a fight as long as he had at least two goons running interference for him? Toxxic why would you be afraid of little ol’ me?”

 

“Well,” Myers says, “because-OOF!”

 

“No, don’t tell me, it’s because of THIS!” Landon shouts, burying his foot in Myers’ gut and doubling him over, causing the former SJL reject to start wheezing.

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

 

“Somehow I don’t think Myers knew this was in the script,” Mak Francis comments.

 

“God, he’s dumb,” King groans.

 

Maddix stands over the hapless Myers, who having been caught completely by surprised has dropped to his knees, completely winded. In the background, Megan seems to be the sole person in the entire country who's amused by all this, while Landon stands over Myers with a smirk. For the time being, possession of the microphone is given to Megan as Landon now stands over the Cosplay Master and holds his arms to the side, hands out, palms flat. The crowd give The Next Generation a hard time, but they've seen nothing yet as Maddix captures Myers' arms in a double underhook and hauls him to his feet. Myers puts up no fight, as Maddix then hauls him up, spinning around and sitting out with the MSS!

 

"'Maddix' Shock Syndrome!" groans Mak. "This is ridiculous, what the hell is he trying to prove here?"

 

Sliding into a seated position, Maddix reclaims the microphone from Megan and leans towards the face-down Matt "Toxxic" Myers.

 

"Thanks buddy...best fourty bucks I ever spent." smiles Landon, before standing up and directing himself towards the hard camera. "Amy, I'd hate to think you're like your brother and fear me after what I did to you on Lockdown. So, here's the deal. By next show, I'll get an open contract written up for a World Title match and I will walk down to this ring. All you have to do, if you have the you-now-whats, is stroll down after me and put your John Q.Stephens on the dotted line. I won't do what I just did to 'your brother'...wink wink...I promise. You come out, you sign the contract, everyone's happy. It's just a question of whether you had enough of me on Lockdown, or if you want another shot. Depende de ti, ya get me?"

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

 

Landon drops the mic down across the back of Myers head, causing him to writhe a little more while the SWF's Power Couple turn and begin to leave. A couple of referees have come down to drag Myers' carcass from the ring, feeling enough time has been wasted on Landon's egomaniacal symbolism.

 

"Our World Champion ladies and gentlemen." bemoans King. "Don't say I didn't warn you all."

 

"We'll be back with something slightly less vomit enducing, next."

[Ace309 0]

I don't know who you're kidding, bucko, but this is already posted on the show.

 

This thread is closed for your insolence. Anyone who wants to comment can just go over and post on the show like a normal comment.

 

Yeesh. Kids these days.

 

sorry Landon