Hulkamania 6

[Guest JMFabiano524]

The J-Fab Flashback for Hulkamania 6

 

For those of you who don't know me, my name is James Fabiano, and I am a member of Daily Diatribes Videos Inc. with my friend The Heel.  Our site is indefinitely on hiatus, but you can check out our past work at  http://www.dailydiatribesenter.8m.com.  Besides wrestling, we've covered game shows and various other stuff.  I did write a new review, but until we figure out DD's future, I thought I'd throw it to you first.  

 

Anyway, call me overly school-spirited, but first let me rejoice in the fact that Rutgers University finally has a chance of

being known for a celebrity other than Calista Flockhart, with Linda Miles being a Tough Enough II winner.  Note to Linda: I still want you to get Tasha Pointer as your manager(or “agent”).  In fact, why not go all out and form the Red Knight Express, a Freebird-like three-woman team with Tasha as Michael (the mouthpiece), Linda as Buddy (I don’t know why, he just seemed second-in-command to me), and Shawnetta Stewart as Terry (the badass).  Vince, if you’re reading, you can have that idea for free.  Of course, if you

feel like spending some money, just sign me and I can get the WWE out of that creative funk.  

 

Now, on to business.  It seems that Scott has beaten me to the Hulkamania Coliseum rant after all.  OK, so we know who invented it (DOWN, Nova!).  Now let’s see who can PERFECT it.  

 

First, as is the norm for many Coliseum Videos, we begin with some advertisements. There’s one for Survivor Series ‘91, and if I listen carefully, I could hear the racking of several smart mark brains trying to come up with appropriate jokes for the line, “Because the Undertaker is waiting, waiting to BURY HIM!”  There’s also a couple of plugs for WWF Action Figures, and Randy Savage proves to be a real company man by selling for even the talking Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior figures.  

 

Now, on with the video, as our opening consists of various Hulk poses done to an acoustic version of “Real American.”  

 

Your host is Sean Mooney, who is in the Prime Time Wrestling ‘91 studio, which is decorated with various Hulk Hogan merchandise. Actually, if you accept the Hulk growth

chart as accurate, that would make Sean 7 feet tall!  Anyway, Sean promises us “exciting matches from Hulk’s repitoire,” as well as Hulk battling Sgt. Slaughter’s “evil forces,” some Young Hulkster home movies, and an exclusive with Hulk and his buddies working out! With that, on to the first match:

 

1) “Coliseum Video Exclusive:” Hulk Hogan vs. Undertaker (WWF Title) - I’d put this at

Fall of 1991, as Sean and Lord Alfred Hayes are billing UT as “undefeated,” which means

the Ultimate Warrior has been 1984’ed out of WWF history.  As (in Al’s words) “the

referee’s attraction is devoted to Paul Bearer,” Undertaker jumps Hogan, choking him out

with his t-shirt and then hitting him with some pussy belt shots.  UT misses an elbowdrop

(called a “legdrop” by Sean) and it’s Hulk’s turn to use the shirt.  UT no sells an atomic

drop, and takes over with more choking before tombstoning Hogan.  Alfred fears that “the

world title will leave or change hands at least,” but before we can see if the belt can or

cannot move away on its own power, Hogan Hulks up, yet UT no sells the Big Crappy

Boot.  He does, however, fall victim to a rollup after colliding with Paul Bearer, and Hulk

gets the pin.  And even then, Undertaker simply leaves the ring and stalks out.  For those

of you who complain about how UT is today, at least he makes Crazy Old Man faces

when he comes up on the losing end ;-)  Match sucked, by the way, and nowhere near

what you’d expect with Hogan facing Undertaker for one of the first times.  

 

Now it’s time for the Hulkamania Workout, as Hulk is with Randy Savage and Brutus

Beefcake in a basement gym, and homoeroticism ensues when Hulk brags that Brutus’

body will “be as hard as his head.”  As Savage works out on the incline bench, the

doorbell rings.  Who can be visiting us on Christmas Eve?  (opens door) Why it’s Mean

Gene Okerlund!  (insert canned applause here)   And the less-than-platonic male love

continues as the wrestlers strip him down, which Savage considers to be “a little bit sexy.”

Predicatably, Gene pulls a muscle seconds into his workout and has to quit.  Afterwards,

Sean provides this equally questionable recap of the events: “Gene had trouble walking, as

Brutus and Macho Man double teamed Gene on the bench, with the Hulkster checking

technique!”  

 

But alas, Hulk and Macho weren’t always this tight.  We then go to a montage of

Megapower clips, ending with footage from the 1989 Main Event between the

Megapowers and the Twin Towers, and Savage being thrown into Elizabeth as Hogan

forsakes the match to check on her.  For those of you still keeping score on double

entendres, Vince notes that Savage was “coming down hard on [Liz]!”  Anyway, this

leads to...

 

2) Hulk Hogan vs. Randy Savage (WWF Title) - Gorilla and Alfred are the commentators.

Now we are coming at you from Paris, and no, that doesn’t mean it’s a submission-only

match.  Ring entrances are quite spectacular for the ‘80s, with lasers, pyro, and rainbow

(Slocombe)-wigged ringcard girls.  Looks like mid-1989, as Savage is still the “Macho

Man” and has Sherri with him.  Hogan has Liz, who appears to be wearing a hair

extension.  Discussing Savage’s chances, Gorilla mentions that it’s tough to repeat as

champion, making me miss the old days that much more.  

 

Savage starts with a copious amount of stalling, then finally gets in the ring where he gets

a side headlock.  But Hulk breaks and Savage stalls once more, grabbing the mic and

dedicating his upcoming win to Sherri.  Now a pattern begins here: 1) Sherri distracts

Hogan, 2) Savage gets a brief comeback, 3) Hulk fights back, and 4) Hulk abuses Sherri.

Repeat this several times and you’ve got the match.  At one point, to continue my “Are

You Being Served?” comparisons, Hogan taunts Sherri with an effeminate, Mr.

Humphries-like pose.  Anyway, Savage finally takes control with a chinlock, and Gorilla

as usual explains how it cuts off air and blood supplies.  As dumb as the ‘80s WWF

announcers seemed at times, they did do good jobs making simple moves seem like real

threats.  Regardless, Hogan Hulks out of it, which reminds me of something my friend

Mike would say: “No!  Don’t waste your Hulk Up now!  You only get one, just like

power-ups in Super Mario Bros!”  The advantage is short lived, as Hogan stops to beat on

Sherri yet again, giving Macho a chance to hit another axhandle and then the RUNNING

GUILLOTINE ACROSS THE ROPES!  A weak looking top rope axhandle gets a 2, and

then we get the Hulk-Up for real, except after the Big Crappy Boot (BCB), Hogan holds

Savage for a slap from Liz.  This draws Sherri back in, leading to a G-rated catfight and

Hogan getting the Big Legends, Myths, and Giants Killing Legdrop for the win.  And how

does he celebrate?  Why, by beating up Sherri, of course!  At this point one of those

hackneyed “ironic” commercials for comedy movies comes to mind: “(Insert inspirational

music here)  Over the last 3 years, Hulk Hogan and ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage have had

many good matches.  (Insert record scratch here)  This was not one of them.”

 

And speaking of comedic movies, albeit unintentionally comedic, the next match is

preceded by a feature on “Suburban Commando,” as we see a scene from the movie in

which Hulk helps his young friend win at Sega’s After Burner.  

 

3) Hulk Hogan vs. Stan Hansen - This comes from the Tokyo Dome from I think 1990,

and is semi-famous for being one of the better Hogan matches.  Let’s see if I buy into that

reputation.  Hansen, doing his wild man routine, shoves the ring announcer, who proves to

be a real trooper by literally picking right up where he left off (as in “Weighing in at two

hundred...(shove)...ninety pounds...”).  The match starts with some wrestling spots, with

headlocks and armbars exchanged, and Hulk even gets in two drop toe holds (second was

better).  Hansen gets a 2 by reversing a 3/4 Nelson, and then we brawl.  Hansen blades off

of being rammed into a ringpost.  Back in the ring, Hogan gets a belly-to-back and then

pounds at Hansen’s wound.  The fight spills outisde again into a press area, and Hulk

slams Hansen into a table!  Hulka-F’N-Mania: Join the Revolution!!!!  At this point,

Hogan seems to take a heel role, telling off the referee for not counting fast enough, and

Alfred explains it away by repeatedly calling Hansen the “idol” of the Japanese fans.  Sean

then makes an unintentional inside comment by remarking that “in this contest, it was No

Holds Barred!”  Meanwhile, Hansen makes a comeback, and opens up Hogan with a

chairshot outside, after which he gets a few two counts.  Back outside, they fight with the

bullrope, and back in we get a “miss the finishers” spot, Hansen with the Lariat and Hogan

with the legdrop.  After hitting an average crossbody, however, Hogan gets the BCB and

the Axe Bomber for the victory.  Quite an entertaining brawl, and interesting to see Hogan

put more effort overseas, as I hear he was apt to do.  

 

Now, it’s time for “Hulkamania Home Movies,” and I wonder if they somehow used Sid

Vicious’ home movies by mistake, as there’s a lot of baseball here.  On a related tangent,

does anyone else remember that Before They Were Stars special on Nickelodeon that

starred Jamie Lee Curtis and Hulk Hogan telling stories about their childhoods, complete

with child actor re-enactments?  Jamie Lee I remember telling a story about being jealous

of the annoying popular girl, while Hulk shared his memories of being rejected as the fat

kid in school.  Yes, I’m scared of myself too for remembering that, but wouldn’t I be even

more creepy if I put effort into doing a serious recap of clips of Little Terry?  

 

4) WrestleMania 2 Main Event: Hulk Hogan vs. King Kong Bundy (WWF title - steel

cage) - Bobby Heenan is of course in the corner of Bundy.  Alfred, Jesse Ventura, and

Elvira are on commentary.  Hogan and Elvira, now those are two people who look the

same no matter how aged.  Jesse sounds like he’s speaking on a walkie-talkie.  Hulk

begins by dishing out random abuse to Bundy, but failing to drive him into the cage.

Bundy takes over when he targets Hulk’s “injured” ribs (“injured” by King Kong at a

SNME leading up to WM2).  Hogan is the first to taste cage, but he still manages to stop

Bundy from escaping through the door.  Bundy then removes the bandages around Hulk’s

ribs and uses them as weapons, while Elvira exclaims “They’re taking off more clothes!”

as if she was viewing a male strip show.  Regardless, Bundy yet again fails to get through

the door, and Hogan takes over, finally throwing Bundy into the cage, drawing blood in

the process.  As in the Hansen match, Hogan proceeds to pound on the cut, and Elvira is

flipping out at the bloodshed.  But then Rule #184 of all Hulk Hogan matches comes into

play; i.e. HULK CAN’T BODYSLAM ANYONE IN HIS FIRST TRY!  After failing to

escape again, Bundy gets an Avalanche, a big splash, and another avalanche, but cue the

Hulk-Up, and then Hogan does get the bodyslam, followed by the After I Bodyslammed

Andre In Front Of 93,000 People, I Pinned Him Using This Legdrop (Brother).  This is

enough to allow Hulk to do the dramatic escape over the top for the win.  Afterwards

Hogan again celebrates the victory by abusing managers.  As next to no one on Family

Feud would say, “I’ll pass.”  

 

Some clips of Hulk on tour with the USO, leading into the next set of matches, which

cover the Hulkamania vs. Iraq feud.  

 

5) Hulk Hogan vs. General Adnan - Forget about coming back to the WWF and making

Hulkamania live again, I think down deep, the Hulkster would admit that the greatest

moment of his career was finally getting to beat up a wimpy manager legally in a wrestling

match.  Adnan briefly gets the advantage by scratching like my cat Brutus in a furniture

store, but Hogan soon begins to kick his ass.  This is short lived, as Sgt. Slaughter runs in

for the quick disqualification, attacking Hogan with the WWF title, the riding crop, and

the Iraqi flag.  I don’t pass judgment on “angle” matches.  

 

6) WrestleMania VII Main Event: Sgt. Slaughter vs. Hulk Hogan (WWF title)  - We get

the WM7 opening, in which Hogan and Slaughter basically make Ken Shamrockesque

“smelling shit” faces.  Marla Maples is the guest timekeeper (treating the bell as if it would

shatter with the slightest tap), and Regis Philbin is on commentary with Gorilla and

Bobby.  Jockey for position to start, no one gets the advantage.  Hogan gets Sarge down

after a criss-cross, and outside we brawl, with Heenan selling the countout rule (which

Sarge in a pre-match interview threatened to take advantage of to keep the belt).  Hulk

no-sells a chairshot (maybe because of the power of the Hulkamania jacket draped on it

cushioning the blow?) and back in gets an atomic drop for 2.  Gorilla is taking Bobby to

task for supporting the “turncoat” Slaughter, to which Heenan merely explains, “I just

don’t like Hulk Hogan!”  Hulk goes to the second rope and is blocked when trying an

axhandle, but he comes back with a slam and two elbows.  Now, he goes to the TOP rope,

but sadly Adnan stops what surely would have been a stunning Hulking Star Press, or the

Hulkton Bomb, or maybe a Hulkdust Press.  (The latter being named after the move Dusty

Rhodes finished many an opponent with.  Seriously, I wouldn’t put it past Rhodes to come

up with such a story)  Sarge then clotheslines him out of the ring, where he chokes him

out with electrical cables.  Back in, a backbreaker gets 2 (Bobby: “In Iraq you only have

to count to 2!”  Man, he’d defend ANYONE as long as Hogan was on the losing end)

Slaughter hooks on a Boston Crab, with Adnan giving him a head massage for “leverage.”

Also, he applies it RIGHT BY THE ROPES!  Even Regis wonders why Hogan just didn’t

reach out and grab them!  With Hogan not realizing the easiest plan, I’m surprised

Slaughter didn’t think he was up against his old enemy Cobra Commander.  Well, Hogan

does get the ropes eventually, but then it’s Slaughter’s turn to go lucha with a top rope

kneedrop/stomp for 2 (because Adnan was distracting the ref?!!?)  Another chairshot

causes Hogan to blade, and back in Sarge gets the camel clutch, taking time out to soften

Hulk’s back with some stomps, and then hook the hold in again.  Nice spot.  Hogan

escapes, but Slaughter throws him in the corner, and then he covers him with the Iraqi

flag.  Well, this is enough to ignite a Hulk-Up, which means the Sarge soon meets his fate

with the Send Me To Baghdad and I’ll Take Saddam and All His Troops Out With One

Legdrop.  Another very acceptable brawl there, despite the bad rap the match takes for the

Gulf War angle.  

 

7) Hulk Hogan and Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs. Sgt. Slaughter and Col. Mustafa - And now,

we end with another match in the Hulk vs. Sarge feud, with carpool buddies Hacksaw and

the Iron Sheik thrown in.  And I’m sorry, but now that I’m thinking of the Sheik, I can’t

get the Axl Rotten shoot out of my head, in which Axl does a dream scenario where the

Sheik joins the Full Blooded Italians.  “Tommy Fire Wild Rich, it is da Hef-Habee-Eye, da

Full Ha-blooded Ha-iranians!”  Hogan attacks the heels by throwing his shirt and shoving

his bandana in their mouths, which for some reason thorougly impresses Alfred and Sean.

The Americans double team the faux-Iraqis with the 2x4, and then the heels take over on

Hacksaw, cutting the ring in half, as Gorilla would say.  Duggan and Slaughter knock each

other down though, and in a cute spot, Sarge goes to the wrong corner and Hulk scares

him away by making a fist at him.  As Slaughter runs to his corner, Hacksaw makes the

tag and Hulk is a Tanning Bed on Fire.  He hits the BCB on Mustafa, but Adnan throws

powder in his face; nonetheless Hogan gets the pin with a crappy rollup.  Nothing match,

but hilarious postmatch celebration in which Hogan makes Hacksaw faces and allows

Duggan to pose with the WWF title.  That’s right, baby, Duggan 0:27 (seconds) says I

kicked Stone Cold’s ass!  HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  

 

Sean says goodbye, and look out for the Survivor Series video.  Remember, for more

information, write to COLISEUM VIDEO, PO BOX 1311, FAIRFIELD, NJ 07007.  And

for a good time, call Jenny at 867-5309, and if you would like tickets for the Match

Game/Hollywood Squares Hour, write to: TICKETS, THE MATCH

GAME/HOLLYWOOD SQUARES HOUR, 6430 SUNSET BLVD, BURBANK, CA

90026.  And to aggravate Game Show Network, write to ask how to be a contestant on

Card Sharks with Jim Perry.  You’d still look more sane than if you said you were a fan of

CS2001.  

 

The Deal - Well, you already know I’d recommend any Coliseum Video for nostalgic

value, that’s a given.  Otherwise, Hogan vs. Hansen is worth checking out, Hogan vs.

Slaughter is decent, but the rest is nothing.  

[Guest Mark4steamboat]

good review. I love the hulkamania series/

[muda345 0]

how could they leave the legendary Zeus off this tape?