Ask The Dictator!

[Guest]

I also think we need to ally with north korea, those bastards have one hell of an army that could wipe ours out.  Those crazy bastards.  We may need to work with our ally china to take them out, it should be a priority to the general.

 

--Rob

[Guest]

Speak with Generalissimo SupaTaft about this matter, for the Ministry of War has much more say over our attacks and such than I do. Not that they can do things without my permission, I just mean that I can't go out there myself and command the whole army unit by unit.

 

Still waiting for wedding gifts!

 

We're on our fifth page now! And the Enemies of the State said this was a stupid idea! Where are they now? CUBA!

[Guest areacode212]

I want to be Baron of (Forced) Labor, so that when I'm broke, I can have the masses produce wealth for mysel...er, the Party.

[Guest]

What the Party gets, you get. Don't worry about your own desires. As a member of the Cabinet, all your wants and needs will be met, and then some. We know very well that some labor is forced, so no need for inclusion of that in your office.

 

Welcome Areacode212, YOUR new Baron of Labor! I expect a wedding present from you too.

 

BREAKING NEWS: Shortly after this announcement, it was announced by the Maximum Proconsulate that the statement by the new First Lady will be postponed until tomorrow. We can only assume that she wanted to spend her wedding night with another activity...

[Guest]

Oh, and as is custom for assuming a new office, we need a statement from the Baronese of Labor in regards to general platforms and goals of the Baronese.

[Guest]

What a festive day! Our fearless leader has found a bride! The Secretary of Justice presents the Maximum Proconsul with a solid gold scepter, except at the top where the ball thing normally is, the Party logo (the circle part) takes its place. May you rule with a rock hard fist and screw with a rock hard....well you get it.

[Guest]

Thank you, Secretary of Justice justsoyouknow! Keep the presents coming, and try to make them something we can both use, the First Lady might get jealous!

 

(oh, and have you asked to have your sub-name changed yet?)

[Guest]

When you arrive back at the glorious casa de Spoon after the honeymoon, you and the lucky lady will find a completely refurbished bedroom set. The set contains two huge mahogany antique dressers, matching mahogany antique bedside tables, new royal purple furnishings (i.e. bed covers, carpetting, pillows, curtains, etc.). In the adjoining bathroom, you will find a newly installed jacuzzi.

 

Hopefully these new additions to your castle will aid in comfortable procreation. After all, the world needs a little Spoon!

[Guest]

I'm sure she'll love the dressers, as will I. We both have an extensive collection of flamboyant and/or weird clothing. I don't know how she'll like the purple, but I approve!

 

And the jacuzzi? Muah! Great!

 

Did I mention that in honor of the Maximum Proconsul's wedding, you may all pursue any pet projects you and your Ministries may have had their eyes on. I expect reports on your projects, which have the full monetary support of the State!

 

Keep the gifts coming!

[Guest]

I lay beofre you a gift from every country we trade with.  Basically the best shit they have to offer.  Enjoy

 

--Rob

[Guest]

(stares at the tooth of the sole toothed woman in Krgyzstan) Um... thanks. I'm sure the stuff from the good countries is better. I'm sure Britain's best is worth as much as the rest of the stuff combined. Thanks!

 

What are everyone's pet projects? Don't be shy!

[Guest]

In addition to his previous gift, The Secretary of Defense has given the Maximum Proconsul a list of 100 people. This list is blank. When the Maximum Proconsul fills the list, all people on the list shall be arrested and put to death for trivial personality flaws, and their desperation will be videotaped and given to the Proconsul as another gift from the Secretary of Defense.

[Guest]

My pet project is swindling the italians to trade their women to us for our tobacco.  They don;t think it's a fair trade yet, but I am sure they will see eye to eye.

 

--Rob

[Guest J*ingus]

Seeing as how BarelyThere is a librarian and everything, the Baronese of Entertainment donates one perfect-condition hardback copy of every book ever written to the household of the Maximum Proconsul.

 

And since the OAOAST has its own board now, can I get one of the mods to change my title to "Baron of Entertainment"?  Pretty please?

[Guest]

My pet project? Framing cobainwasmurdered for the murder of Kurt Cobain.

[Guest]

"In addition to his previous gift, The Secretary of Defense has given the Maximum Proconsul a list of 100 people. This list is blank. When the Maximum Proconsul fills the list, all people on the list shall be arrested and put to death for trivial personality flaws, and their desperation will be videotaped and given to the Proconsul as another gift from the Secretary of Defense."

 

When did we hire a Secretary of Defense? I assume you mean Secretary of Justice. I'll have a list for you soon. You just keep on giving, don't you?

 

Lord of Foreign Affairs RobStone, you have the full support of the State in that endeavor, but I must curb my usual enthusiasm for such activities these days, I am married now after all!

[Guest]

wtf is OAOAST?

 

--Rob

[Guest]

Thank you very very very much, Jingus! We are both eternally grateful for that lovely gift! We both love reading so!

 

What's your pet project, by the way? Good job on having your sub-name changed. The rest of the Cabinet is well advised to follow suit.

[Guest]

The OAOAST was the One and Only AngleSault Thread, the dwelling place of Enemies of the State like Cobainwasmurdered. A thread that started as a lark on Anglesault, but turned into an E-fed after the people in it started attacking each other. It wasn't what I consider a real E-fed though(one that writes roleplays). They wrote matches to be compared to see who would win. Anyways, that's as much as the State will allow of knowledge of the OAOAST.

[Guest J*ingus]

Pet project: brainwashing the world into thinking that I am the absolute epitome of male beauty and the pinnacle of sexual attractiveness.  A related side project is to force all those size-0 models and actresses to actually eat something.

[Guest]

Um, the idea is that it's a project your Ministry can accomplish. Brainwashing falls under the Ministry of Propaganda.

 

You can however force the anorexic population of Hollywood to eat something.

[Guest]

The OAOAST was the One and Only AngleSault Thread, the dwelling place of Enemies of the State like Cobainwasmurdered. A thread that started as a lark on Anglesault, but turned into an E-fed after the people in it started attacking each other. It wasn't what I consider a real E-fed though(one that writes roleplays). They wrote matches to be compared to see who would win. Anyways, that's as much as the State will allow of knowledge of the OAOAST.

Hold on!  I'm a member of that group, and so is Jingus.  If you attack that thread, me and Samhaine will overthrow you.  Your state will trapped in an eternal Halloween.

 

I'AM HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Guest]

that OAOAST sounds pretty gay.

 

--Rob

[Guest]

To be honest, that was a calculated remark meant to bring you back. As one of the longer-standing Cabinet members, your silence was worrying me.

 

Where's your wedding present for me? I'm sure you can think up something nice to give us! Also, what's your pet project? Certainly you can think up a doozy!

[Guest]

"That OAOAST sounds pretty gay."

 

Now now, it wasn't all that bad. I actually had a dalliance within it, as a fellow who was going to do a review of their first show, but the whole place was so anarchic(it was then at least, I believe they're more organized these days) that I couldn't really write a review.

[Guest]

My pet project is to do whatever it takes to make the Maximum Proconsul prouder of the Justice Division than any other department. (I get points for sucking up, right?)

[Guest]

The enemies of the State must be destroyed, and first among them is cobainwasmurdered. His doom will be assured through a combination of immense public interest and keen political savvy.

 

I will anonymously leak information to MTV Studios that the government police force has recieved new information regarding the death of Kurt Cobain via new autopsy findings and other assorted data. Picture this:

 

(Cue MTV News logo and music as Kurt Loder comes on the screen.) "Hello, I'm Kurt Loder and this is a breaking MTV News brief. New records have been found dealing with the death of former Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain. Apparently the police faction of the Nessun Duma, working in conjunction with the executors of Cobain's estate, have unearthed new documents showing that Cobain was in fact under the influence of a completely new substance that is NOT heroine. The Nessun Duma believe that this heretofore unknown drug, a strong despressant, is what drove the tortured Cobain into the act of suicide. Uncovered along with these records were private computer printouts of an ongoing relationship Cobain had with someone over the internet. These printouts supposedly show that this person was the one responsible for both inventing the new drug and giving Cobain the new drug in the first place. The Nessun Duma are currently searching for this person to bring him in for questioning. More on this story as it develops." (End segment.)

 

That alone would be enough to get the public completely riled up. Using PNNN News broadcasts, I will play this new information for all it's worth every possible moment and make it a point of national interest (not just the youth). I will have people brought in for questioning every other day; of course, they would be nothing more than my own elites in on the hoax.

 

Aside from all this, I will have this new super-depressant form of heroine hit the streets in a mean way, which would increase the exposure of the story. The drug will be cooked up in various government facilities and then distributed through cleverly placed undercover operatives. It will lead to the death of countless innocents, sure, but the destruction of a political enemy is worth it. No one would suspect a thing due to all of these deaths. They will be our smoke screen.

 

I will then utilize the former FBI databases and find out who cobainwasmurdered really is through his cookie files. Everyone leaves a trail, and I'd pick his up like a bloodhound. He will then be under surveillance for a period no shorter than six months.

 

Eventually cobainwasmurdered will be brought in, but not for Cobain's death - not at first anyways. Instead, I will start by pulling some strings within the Secretary of Justice's office and somehow make misspelling of certain words a federal crime. This would be just enough to nail cobainwasmurdered to the damned floor. I will have the Secretary of Justice coerce the Commandant of the Nessun Duma to send in the troops to have cobainwasmurdered arrested for his various illiterate offenses. Through keen timing, they will be sent in just as cobainwasmurdered would be out for an extended period of time for whatever reasons (perhaps a vacation). Upon entering his living quarters, however, the troops would find all the necessary recipes, ingredients and printouts to conclude that cobainwasmurdered was the inventor of the super-depressant heroine and the internet contact of Kurt Cobain. All of this incriminating information will of course be planted by my elites just before the Nessun Duma arrived at the scene. Thus it will seem to the Nessun Duma and the world alike that cobainwasmurdered was the responsible party for Cobain's death.

 

And then would come the trial. It will involve a teary-eyed Courtney Love on the stand against cobainwasmurdered, talking about how Kurt led a secret life over the internet and how she knew he was taking something brand new that was not heroine. Courtney Love will be the star witness of the prosecution and would be quite enough to have cobainwasmurdered convicted of drug trafficking, manslaughter and bad spelling. In order to make her work for us, Courtney Love will be bought, and if she could not be for some reason, she will be threatened with political destruction, imprisonment and eventual death, just like the reporters for PNNN.

 

This will all eventually lead to cobainwasmurdered being sentenced to death at the hands of the Nirvana fan club members weilding spiked clubs and iron mallets. It will be broadcast on pay-per-view, generating massive revenue.

 

Courtney Love will then release a single entitled "Fuck You" about her hatred for cobainwasmurdered. All proceeds would be donated to the government in gratitude.

 

Dave Grohl will publicly thank the Nessun Duma and the Maximum Proconsul for "bringing this monster to justice."

 

Last but not least, the spread of the super-depressant heroine will lead to Foma being instituted nationally in place of all other drugs. The suicide rates due to addiction would cause this, and another problem will be taken care of.

 

All of this will make fine entertainment for at least a couple of years. Then a new plot will unfold to destroy dreamer420 and caboose.

 

That's pretty damned good, is it not?

[Guest]

Geez. Well, if that's your pet project, go with it. I said you could do anything in the purview of your Ministries, and that's the Ministry of Propaganda at its finest right there.

 

Oh, and Secretary of Justice justsoyouknow, being a sycophant may work in other fascist regimes, but not this one, boy-o. If you really want to get ahead, do it through work, not flattery.

 

I should note at this point that I discovered in the Rivals thread on the No Holds Barred board that Cobainwasmurdered does not have heat with the Maximum Proconsul or the State of America. Thus he is off the Maximum Proconsulate's list of Enemies of the State. This will be revealed right before he is executed on Pay Per View, and we'll have another Enemy of the State put in his place instead. After people order the program, it isn't like they can demand it back anyway. We may just bring him into the Cabinet if he wishes. He's a bit busy with other matters though I think, like clearing his record and OAOAST business.

 

But like I said justsoyouknow, don't suck up. All Ministries will recieve equal financial and political support from the State, even if our Ministry of Foreign Policy is taking some black eyes in the No Holds Barred thread. I have defused the situataion by stating that the opinions of the Lord of Foreign Policy are not nessecarily those of the State, Abbey Party, Cabinet, or Maximum Proconsulate.

 

Okay, whoever hasn't given wedding presents has 24 hours until their pet project permit(I love alliteration) is revoked!

 

On a related note of disappearing people, where are Assistant Proconsul Kinetic and Chancellor to the Proconsul Goodhelmet?

[Guest]

.....we have trials? Fine, no more suckng up. My new pet project is to arrest all Arab males who look shifty. Then we can leech some 9/11 heat and make the party look stronger. There. Happy?

[Guest]

Okay then, dreamer420 dies in cobainwasmurdered's stead. I have no problem with that as long as my plans come to fruition in some manner. It's all in the name of the State, anyways, and dreamer420 did make some heinous remarks about us in the early-goings.

 

Oh, and cobainwasmurdered, if you have read this, don't take offense. It was merely suggested that I have you killed and I thought it would be funny to have you framed like this. It's a proverbial "my bad."