PROMO: In Sweden, No-one Can Hear You Scream

[Toxxic 0]

“Walter, I’m due to wrestle in Germany tomorrow,” Alan Clark says.

 

“Yes, Alan.”

 

“I’m tagging with Spike Jenkins, the guy who will be challenging me for my World Title next week, against the Tag Team Champions with their titles on the line.”

 

“I know, Alan.”

 

“This match could be kind of important. If I play this right, I could be walking away tomorrow evening as World and Tag Team Champion.”

 

“That’s true.”

 

“And yet,” the Disney-sponsored World Champion finishes, gazing ruefully down the street, “I’m still in Sweden. Why am I still in Sweden, Walter?”

 

“Well,” the large bodyguard rumbles, “there was the fact that someone let loose a plague of locusts in the car-”

 

“They were grasshoppers, and there were only a few hundred. I’m sure a plague needs upwards of a thousand,” Clark cuts him off.

 

“Grasshoppers, whatever,” Reynolds nods. “And then someone put those rubber snakes under the hood for you to find when you went looking to see what the problem was with the sparkplugs.”

 

“They weren’t even realistic,” Clark grumbles.

 

“And you didn’t get much sleep last night because someone kept playing recordings of unconvincing ‘ghost’ noises outside the motel window,” Walter adds.

 

“Walter, I wasn’t really asking why I was stuck in Sweden,” Alan Clark tells him, “I was more wondering what’s going on, and who keeps pulling these ridiculous pranks. It was rhetorical, know what I mean?”

 

* * *

 

Further up the road, behind a few conveniently-placed bushes (or perhaps the position was chosen due to the bushes), the following conversation can be heard. By anyone near enough to hear, which is, nobody.

 

“OK, everyone ready?”

 

“I still don’t unnerstand what yer doin’ this for.”

 

“Ask me if I’m surprised, Ames. Sly, you ready?”

 

“Toxx, I’m not sure if any of us are truly ready for an event of this magnitude.”

 

“…are you taking the piss?”

 

Moments later there is a whirring in the bushes and a large shape appears. Bizarrely, it appears to be what in North America would be a moose, and in Europe is an elk. Even more bizarrely, it is the rather less-commonly seen inflatable variant, although who decided that an inflatable elk was a good idea remains unclear and is possibly best not investigated. To complete the triple quotient of bizarre, each hoof is attached to a radio-controlled car, and the gaseous mammal starts to roll down the street to the astonishment of passing pedestrians. However, one leg is dragging slightly.

 

“Toxx, you’re lagging.”

 

“Hey, it’s not my fault! Jakey nicked mine!”

 

“Did not! You were always going to have the Mini Cooper!”

 

“Oh that’s right, just because I’m British give me the bloody British car…”

 

* * *

 

“Alan?”

 

“What?”

 

“I don’t mean to alarm you,” Walter Reynolds says in a low voice, “but there’s an inflatable moose coming down the street towards us.”

 

Alan Clark stares straight ahead.

 

“Inflatable.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Moose.”

 

“That’s right.”

 

Clark’s brow wrinkles.

 

“How’s it moving?”

 

“Uh… on four RC cars,” Reynolds informs him.

 

“…this I’ve got to see.” Alan Clark turns around to see that yes, there is an inflatable moose coming down the street towards him. And yes, it’s travelling on four RC cars (with one leg struggling to keep up). The pair watch as the ungainly appearance whirrs towards them, then each man steps smoothly aside to let it pass. The moose (or possibly elk) carries on undeterred, and certainly without any semblance of steering, until it hits a crosswalk and gets taken out by the rather startled driver of a Toyota who slews to a halt with nothing dented except his pride.

 

“Well,” Clark muses, “I guess it doesn’t matter that they don’t have moose in Japan.”

 

“What?”

 

“JJ Johnson would of got that joke,” Clark informs his bodyguard. “C’mon, let’s get the car. I’ve had enough of Scandinavia.”

[The Amazing Rando 0]

I wouldn't say "goddamn"

[Toxxic 0]

You're right. Disney would probably censor it. Sorry, Clark.

[HollywoodSpikeJenkins 0]

What

[Guest WhollyChao]

These aren't even pranks! What did Rev-0 possibly hope to accomplish by driving an inflatable moose at Clark?

 

Nothing?!

 

I like it.

 

Good show boys. Just don't let the fans see these shenanigans, they'll start cheering.

 

 

[Toxxic 0]

Spike, you're just jealous we weren't using inflatable moose during your stint.

 

Fulmy - all will be revealed.

[Mad Scientist 0]

I've gotta agree a bit with Spike and FULMINATUS! If fans start seeing this stuff, you guys are going to suffer an involuntary face turn unless you beat up some nuns or steal bread from an orphanage. Pranking heels gets you face pops. Gonna be tough to stay heels once you start getting face pops.

[Secret Agent 0]

Not if they start doing this to faces.

[Toxxic 0]

You all seem to forget that this is an e-fed, and we can make the crowd react however we please.

[Mad Scientist 0]

You all seem to forget that this is an e-fed, and we can make the crowd react however we please.

 

True, but we are supposed to maintain some level of quasirealism, even for e-wrestling. Of course, Stone Cold could still get a face pop for Stunning a nun or an orphan, so maybe Rev-0 could stay heel while pranking the other heels. I'm just finding it hard to imagine people not cheering for you when you prank Alan Clark, especially multiple times.

[Toxxic 0]

I don't know if you noticed, but the last show featured Badger On A Pole.

 

...OK, I see what you're getting at. The point is that no-one in the casual audience will hear about these things, they're not being filmed, these are simply events that are occurring. Unless Rev-0 go out and say 'hey, we played all these tricks on Alan Clark' the crowd won't know.

[Guest WhollyChao]

Well that's the fine line we walk with these promos, isn't it?

 

As far as I've always been concerned, these sort of OOC promos were actual televised promos in some capacity or another. Since this is the "Smarks Wrestling Federation" I always assumed that the fact that the promos occurred slightly out of character was just a representation of the pseudo-intelligence of the fan base.

 

The fictional fans of this fed consider themselves to be educated wrestling fans with a knowledge of what goes on backstage. These promos allow them to see a little bit more of the wrestlers' lives outside of what they show on Storm as sort of a nod to the smarks.

 

That way, we can have Fulminatus freak the crap out of Flesher in a hotel, or having Spike Jenkins bump into Zyon outside of the pub and speaking in character. It's still not "real" but it seems a bit more real than your standard wrestling program, which is what our smark fans would enjoy.

 

And while Toxx and the gang might prank Clark OOC (they all seem like a fun-loving bunch of guys,) in character, it wouldn't be the best way to get heat. Unless you're building them as a heel stable that you can like and still has quite a fan following, almost like DX when they tried to be heels. In which case, toss all the fake animals you want at Clark.

 

See where I'm coming from, mate?

 

 

[Toxxic 0]

Ah, well that's where I'd disagree, you see. As far as I'm concerned, unless a camera crew is explicitly stated to be present, it doesn't appear on SWF programming. Landon for one makes up for this by having Landon 'notice' camera crews who have been inplausibly hidden behind a bedroom door for several minutes, or something, but I've never really gone for that. It's like the idiocy of heels discussing their plans in front of a camera. Obviously this has to happen in real wrestling or no-one would ever know their plans, but we can employ different methods.

 

So yeah, for any promos I write, unless a camera is mentioned being present (normally with Ben Hardy), then the fans don't see it.

[Mad Scientist 0]

I don't know if you noticed, but the last show featured Badger On A Pole.

 

Touche.