Ask Milky.

[Twisted Intestine 0]

I wouldn't offer compensation either. I mean, it's mine, why should you be rewarded for doing the right thing? To me, it's kind of like walking by an alley, then a guy grabs me and says "Hey. I could have mugged you just then, but I didn't. Where's my reward?" I probably wouldn't ask you to drive back and give it to me, though.

 

I know this is Ask Milky, but I disagree. I firmly believe in the "Finders keepers" rule, and don't think you should have gone through the trouble of returning it. If I ever lose anything, it's my fault, and I don't expect to ever see it again. That said, if someone did return something to me, I wouldn't give them a reward either. Sure, it's nice to give someone back their property if you find it, but it shouldn't be expected from you, and if you're nice enough to give it back you shouldn't be expecting a reward.

[Nighthawk 0]

I have an idea for a documentary about people with Ginger hair (a written documentary, think Brass Eye). It will mostly be comprised of people commiting henious crimes towards them and justifiying it because, well, they're Ginger.

 

I have the means to film this and people - also one Ginger - willing to be cast: should I progress with this concept or scrap it and come up with a new one?

 

Well, as strange as it is, I've actually seen this concept toyed with rather a lot. So I'd do something else.

 

 

 

 

Also, regarding the finders keepers rule, I generally go that way too. I guess I was talking mostly about compensation. In this particular scenario, the friend's girlfriend talked you into it, so you (and I suppose more importantly he) look good to her. In that sense, you can return things, if it makes you feel particularly better (and it can sometimes... even to me. I'd feel bad keeping something a kid lost, for example) or look good to someone else. There's no karma though. It's simply a matter of how you're going to feel, or how you're going to look to someone else. Like, without the girlfriend factor her, I probably wouldn't have.

Nevertheless, if I lose something, I don't just go "Well, that's it." And if I do find out who had it and didn't give it to me somehow, it's not going to be pretty.

So basically nobody's watching. How do you feel, how do you look, and what can you get away with.

[Bruiser Chong 0]

What do you think of framed album covers vis-a-vis being used for interior decor?

[Nighthawk 0]

I approve. I don't have any right now, but I've used them in the past, and probably will again. My current place is basically just a hole to keep my stuff in, though, so I'm not doing any decorating.

 

My favorite: The Richard D James Album in the bathroom, at eye level when somebody's sitting on the toilet.

[At Home 0]

Two parts:

 

1) You and I like to make people mad. I like to say the exact opposite of what people expect me to say and pretend to be an asshole and stuff, but I don't think I am. On a separate tangent, I think it's unfortunate that people think that i'm an asshole but in actuality I just don't do what they want me to do. Anyways, why do you think people like you and I like to make people mad? Is it a call for attention or is it just our sense of humor?

 

2) My friend is (making a stab at) hooking me up with this cute girl Nicole. We met for the first time today, and she's nice, and we're all supposed to eat lunch together tomorrow. She thinks I'm cute and is looking for a relationship as I am. What are some tips for makin' sparks, and keeping the interest there?

[Twisted Intestine 0]

If you're going to try to make sparks and keep the interest there, you've failed already.

[At Home 0]

You're right; making sparks isn't the best description. There's always some attraction, I'd just like to take it to the next level. Question still remains... to Milky.

[Nighthawk 0]

Quite honestly... Because it's funny. That's actually the only answer I have. I openly admit that I am very shy and quiet, and sometimes act like an ass as overcompensation, but it's not that.

 

Nicole and you can be ok. Just take the advice I told you earlier, just say "Hey Nicole, I really like you are you are totally cute." What's the worst that will happen? Do that shit, man.

[At Home 0]

Quite honestly... Because it's funny. That's actually the only answer I have. I openly admit that I am very shy and quiet, and sometimes act like an ass as overcompensation, but it's not that.

 

Nicole and you can be ok. Just take the advice I told you earlier, just say "Hey Nicole, I really like you are you are totally cute." What's the worst that will happen? Do that shit, man.

 

I don't want to be too aggressive or anything, you know?

[Richard 0]

If someone had a gun to your father's head and threatened to shoot unless you had sex with your mother, would you?

[Guest rullmar]

Dear Milky,

 

Why do you harass me on AIM with sentences that make no sense.

 

If you'd try a little harder, I might not have to block you within 60 seconds.

 

Yours sincerely,

Rullmar.

 

And what is a <V^T. And who is Milfy.

[Nighthawk 0]

If someone had a gun to your father's head and threatened to shoot unless you had sex with your mother, would you?

 

Oh man, my mother? My mom held broken glass to my throat and made threats kill me. I actually openly propositioned my mother for sex, just to be weird.

I told my brother to hide in the closet, I said "Hey watch, I'm going to make mom fuck me." and I said "Hey, nobody's ever going to find out, so you should totally just get all over my dick. And I know that you know I totally found your dildos and used them on myself. This shit is bound to happen, so let's just do it." And she said "Uh, David, you are my son, and that is just god damned filthy. So, no, that will never happen, and I know that you have your brother hiding in the closest, so 'COME OUT NOW!' and he did, hanging his head in shame. And she said "I'm ashamed of both of you. Just... go to your rooms."

 

Dear Milky,

 

Why do you harass me on AIM with sentences that make no sense.

 

If you'd try a little harder, I might not have to block you within 60 seconds.

 

Yours sincerely,

Rullmar.

 

And what is a <V^T. And who is Milfy.

 

Well, I seriously don't think I do that. I only talk to a select few people on aim, and you ain't one of them. I occasionally get drunk and say weird shit, and get shut down instantly, but there's seriously no way I did it to you. rullmar? No, I seriously just don't even know you. I would never talk to you on aim, really wouldn't.

On the other side, I talked to Leena the other day. She was totally nice to me. That was great.

[Bruiser Chong 0]

Which is worse: pot or booze? And don't you think if the government would profit from it, they would legalize the former?

[Nighthawk 0]

First of all, let me address the question from Leena that I answered without even being aware that it was her. That was actually probably the funniest possible response to that.

 

But uh, I did talk to her, and it seemed to go not so badly... maybe she did block me, but I have no idea what I said to make that happen, I was just trying to be nice. I drink way the hell too much, so probably something to do with that. I mean, I'm not to KOAB levels, but sometimes I say weird shit.

 

Also, I recently became aware of why I drink so much. Had to do with falling over on the porch and scratching my face up. I do drink, but usually not that badly, and I had a conversation with myself while I was laying on the ground. Basically I asked why I overdid it so much that day, and honestly answered myself.

 

It has to do with latent guilt over being such a god damned lunatic when I was a kid. Like, killing animals and setting fires and shit. And when I finally got arrested, when they saw my room, which had pictures of Ted Bundy all over the walls and porn with X's over the girl's eyes and books about Satan everywhere, they were like "O...K... maybe you need a therapist and not a probation officer."

 

And so I drink a lot because it's the grown up version of cutting yourself.

 

But I am trying, Leena, I'm trying hard. That much I can say with confidence. I will not message you when I'm drunk, I swear. I'll cut it into my arm as a reminder. You actually told me that years ago, too. "Well, not being drunk every time you talk to me would help." I do remember that.

 

Which is worse: pot or booze? And don't you think if the government would profit from it, they would legalize the former?

 

Well, everything else I just said should make my case that booze is pretty bad. I only drink alone now, which often gets called a bad thing, but it shouldn't. I mean, you're just making sure you don't do some horrible thing to people you're with. Just having some drinks and crawling into your own head isn't fun, but I prefer it to openly being an idiot. I just wish my room didn't have a phone and a computer in it.

That said, pot is way worse. I've smoked a lot of it, don't like it anymore, and I actually hate potheads now. I mean, at least a drunk you can understand, that's about some kind of catharsis, it's a depressant, but marijuana just makes you hungry and laugh at everything. The whole culture is really stupid. I guess it's kind of a personal thing. I don't like it, but some people do, and some of them are friends of mine. My policy is basically "You can smoke weed if you like that, it's not a deal breaker, but I shouldn't ever know that you do." If it's such a large part of your life that I somehow have to hear about it, then no, we can't be friends. I hold myself to the same standard. Most people I know would have no idea that I'm such a huge alcoholic if they didn't ask me.

Yes, they would legalize it. Much of why it's illegal is leftover racism, because it was introduced to this country via California from Mexico. They can profit from it, and it will be legal. That's going to happen. Matter of time.

[The Niggardly King 0]

K, I don't drink that much

[Nighthawk 0]

Oh, sure you do. I mean, you can hold down a job and pay your rent on time, I'm sure, I don't mean that. I mean, I don't drink every day or anything, really, and I probably drink the least of people I know who drink, but I get way too expressive when I do, which is likely what happens with you.

 

My problem is getting really talkative, and expressing myself far too well. The number of times I've been put on suicide watch is insane. I'm always like "Uh, no... I don't want to die, I just felt really bad. I guess I conveyed that too well."

 

When I fell over, that was likely the drunkest I've ever been since college. It was just very cathartic to talk about how I was almost a serial murderer and it was a response to that.

[Guest poop]

But I am trying, Leena, I'm trying hard. That much I can say with confidence. I will not message you when I'm drunk, I swear. I'll cut it into my arm as a reminder. You actually told me that years ago, too. "Well, not being drunk every time you talk to me would help." I do remember that.

I believe I only said that to Megan.

[At Home 0]

But I am trying, Leena, I'm trying hard. That much I can say with confidence. I will not message you when I'm drunk, I swear. I'll cut it into my arm as a reminder. You actually told me that years ago, too. "Well, not being drunk every time you talk to me would help." I do remember that.

I believe I only said that to Megan.

How is Megan?

[Nighthawk 0]

Into incest now, apparently. Fucking her cousin. That's the dumbest shit I ever heard. That's why I like Meg, she's one of the most insane people I've ever encountered. Besides myself. But in a completely different way. I think that's interesting.

 

Like, apparently I sometimes said shit on aim that made no sense, but one thing I can guarantee I did not do was send somebody a fifteen minute video about Star Trek lesbian slash fiction, and a song to listen to while I watched it, and expect me to actually watch it. That is fucking eating paste levels of crazy, especially if you know me, which she did, we used to talk a lot. Thinking I would have even the slightest interest in anything even remotely similar to that is fucking batshit. She wasn't just fucking with me either, she pulled that shit all the time. And thousand page stories about Star Trek lesbian slash fiction, where I tried to be nice and skipped to the sex parts and talked about that, and she's like "No, didn't you see the beautiful interplay between them? When they were just talking?" No, bitch, I god damned didn't.

 

Hell, I'll admit it, I fucked my cousin too. The difference is, I was fucking 15. Basically, I don't know what you wouldn't fuck when you were 15. She's in her fucking 30s. I'm not saying she's bad with any of that, even though I cursed a lot, just "That person is out of their mind."

 

So... yeah, that's how Megan is.

[Guest Soriano's Torn Quad]

You watched that too? Pat on the shoulder for that.

[Guest Tzar Lysergic]

Oh fuck, shrooms and dxm are the ultimate drug combo. This is going to be awesome for you. Just please don't turn into Jingus.

 

Mushrooms, Acid, and ketamine, but you're close.

 

Coming out of a k-hole into a full-blown peak trip is the greatest. It's like jumping off of a cliff.

[Guest mqatrombone]

Megan only messages me when she's drunk and/or wants to cyber.

 

It's not as enjoyable at it sounds, though. Like Milky, she'll send me weird shit that I'm not watching. Except for some lezzy porn... but, Megan likes the big fake titted bitches. And talks like a robot. I enjoy hearing her fantasize over her cousin, though.

[Nighthawk 0]

I was talking about cousin fucking to some people today, and used the line "How do you fuck your cousin? That's something you do when you're a kid!" Good line.

[Guest Vitamin X]

Well, she does work for the government after all, doesn't she?

 

But after hearing all of that, that makes me question whether she's being even remotely serious about that. It's so hard to believe. She seemed fairly grounded when I talked to her on AIM, even if she usually messaged me while drunk and asked me to entertain her.

[Nighthawk 0]

That was my initial reaction to her as a person: "No fucking way."

 

By the way, the even more fucked up thing is that I was 15 when I fucked my cousin, but she was like 22, which I think is old enough to know better. Ended up dead of an overdose with her kids in the house. She bore a very, very strong resemblance to CanadianChick.

That was just a really fucked up, funny family. Super huge rednecks, but the rich, satellite dish and elevated swimming pool kind. There were in excess of a hundred cats living there, and they were always dying in hilarious ways. Seriously, it was like every time you went over there, five more cats were dead. They had enough that they kept replenishing, though. Like, one was eaten by a snapping turtle, and my uncle proceeded to kill the turtle and serve it for dinner, or they'd sleep on the engine block and explode when you started the car, or my uncle would get drunk and shoot them. He always had some rationale, like "That damn cat tore up the flower bed, so I blew his head off with a shotgun."

My other cousin, a guy, used to show me gore movies when I was a little kid, and had a stack of MAD magazines taller than me, plus a shitload of like, Judas Priest and Iron Maiden records. And Guns N Roses wallpaper. That guy was awesome. He's a cop now.

[Guest Soriano's Torn Quad]

My neighbors were sort of like that, people who had more money than they knew what to do with. Alcoholics all, they basically bought and broke every expensive thing possible. The first-generation iMac departed when someone used the CD drive as a beer coaster. The iBook's screen was cracked after one of them threw it down a flight of stairs expecting someone to catch it. There was a hole in the wall of the finished basement because a friend named Bubba got in a fight down there. It should also be noted that the two brothers were big ICP fans. Usually they were good guys, but I sure resented how much shit they'd break.

[Nighthawk 0]

I feel like I should give the backstory of me fucking my cousin who was seven years older than me, because it is... if not justifiable, at least understandable.

 

Basically when I was a young kid in Illinois, she and I were pretty close, and she was actually a really good cousin (except for the time her high school girlfriend babysat me and tried to molest me. I beat the shit out of her. I did manage to beat up a high school sophmore at eight. That's pretty cool.)

And then I moved away for years and years and I was back there to visit. The house I grew up in was owned by her family (like I said, they were rich), and after we moved out, she lived there. She had, at the time, just had a very bad breakup, where she was kicking down doors and all, and developed some drug habits.

And she was very upset and talking to me about these things, and I was very comforting to her, and she was like "Thanks David. You were always my favorite cousin. You sure have grown up a lot, though." and it sort of went from there. She was sad and drug addled and I looked older than her at 15, where I was also completely insane with hormones. Shit happened. And I was immediately like... "Oh shit... did I just fuck my cousin?" Now that's all pretty messed up, I'll admit, but it makes sense. There's nothing there that I don't understand.

Still... fucking a relative in the house you grew up in is pretty nuts. At least it wasn't my old room (the attic).

 

I also just realized that those seven years were the biggest age gap I ever experienced. The over/under on sex for me is seven (with a relative, no less) and five, from the time I fucked the thirteen year old. I just now realized I'm in a position to break that. I can now legally fuck 18 year olds, and that's a six year gap. I mean, when you're eighteen you can't fuck 12 year olds. (Actually you can, as I've discussed, but I wouldn't really feel right about it). But now I'm getting old enough where there can be huge age gaps in my sexual partners and it doesn't even matter. I think, as long as I'm not married by then, I'll fuck an 18 year old after my next birthday, just to cancel out my record being with a relative.

[Twisted Intestine 0]

That would be good after-sex convo..

 

Her, "I love you David"

You, "Yeah.. about that.. See, now I feel kind of bad. I was just trying to break a record.. You see, the largest age gap between me and a girl before now was 7 years."

Her, "That's okay David! I'm still here for you, even though you used me we can still work things out! I know you'll love me, just give me a chance!"

You, "Okay, good! The last record was held by my cusin."

 

Then she just pukes all over your dick and leaves.

 

Yeah.. You should definately do it with a conservative preppy girl, then tell her that. It'll be great. Don't waste it on a freak who really won't care.

[Guest cwilson13]

Well, she does work for the government after all, doesn't she?

 

But after hearing all of that, that makes me question whether she's being even remotely serious about that. It's so hard to believe. She seemed fairly grounded when I talked to her on AIM, even if she usually messaged me while drunk and asked me to entertain her.

Megan says a lot of stuff.

 

All I know is that she will be killed by Mohammedans. And I will snicker.

 

[EL BRUJ0 0]

exhibit ah

 

exhibit bah

 

One is not like the other. Why is this so?