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King Cucaracha


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We see Commissioner Landon Maddix hard at work in his office, bent over his desk working hard to organize the next show. While some people, organized trained people mainly, prefer to use some kind of documented system or a white board or the “management by Post It©” method Maddix thinks that those methods are for nerds and dweebs. He personally prefers “Management by Action Figure”, evident by the pile of SWF action figure (available at the shop zone, get them now!) on the table in front of him.


“hmmmm…” Maddix says as he looks at Tom Flescher action figure in his hand.


Before he can elaborate his train of though is derailed by a knock on the door.


*El Knock*


Landon opens a drawer and with a swiftness that only a two time Clusterf*ck winner has scoops all the action figures into it. Then he grabs a folder marked “Scouting Report” and pretends to read it.




The door opens with an ominous creek, the light in the hallway falls into the dimly lit office casting three long shadows on the floor. Landon, spooked by the sound, looks up and sees… something really unexpected.


“Well I didn’t expect the Mexican Inquisition” Maddix says, smiling at his own joke


“Que?” one of the three masked men says and enters the room. “We come on business” the man in the black and yellow mask and the purple velvet mariachi band suit says.


“I’m telling you I paid for that Taco! Man it’s been five years how much longer must you people haunt me about it”


The three masked men say nothing at all, they just stare at each other uncomfortably as Maddix realizes that they’re probably not from “La Fiesta Cantina” after all.


“Señor we have come from the SMLL on business”


“SMLL?” Maddix didn’t have a clue what that was, he was just hoping it wasn’t a charity or some sort of Sado Machochistic organisation.


“Yes sir, your Mexican subsidiary”


“Oh S-MMM-LL, I thought you said SNL, I was wondering why Saturday Night Live was coming here. Of course I know of our Mexican Subsidiary” Maddix quickly says as he tries to cover up for the fact that he did know anything about it.


“I am Principal Jefe, the commissioner of Smart Marko Lucha Libre and headmaster of the school” Principal Jefe explains as he sits down, his two companions stay standing behind him, Jefe is the boss after all.


“And you’re masked?”


“Well yes, it’s a tradition. Ah I see you’re reading our latest scouting report, excellent” Principal Jefe says when he notices what Maddix is holding. Maddix looks down and actually reads the paperwork his eyes widen in surprise, it was right under his nose the whole time.


“So… Mexico eh?” Landon muses as he tries to get his bearings.


“I thought it was weird that for the five years we’ve been your affiliate not one commissioner has talked to us about bringing up talent”


“Well we’ve been busy you know… PPVs … champions… someone blew up FAO Schwartz… Rev 0 reforming…. Me winning the Clusterf*ck twice… it’s a busy place” Maddix says meekly trying to explain why this plot point was never brought up before it conveniently fit in with an angle.


“Well we’re here now, that’s what matters.” Principal Jefe says trying to get back on track.


“Yes you’re here now” Maddix says and leans back in his chair, then he sits upright again “why are you here anyway? This isn’t a hostile takeover right? You’re not invading or anything?”


Maddix looks a little nervous, the mere mention of “Invasion angles” tends to make most wrestling officials twitch, they remember how badly they can be screwed up.


“Nothing of the sort, most of my workers… “ Jefe says pausing to think of the words to most politely explain it. “…would not like the water here”




“They prefer to stay in Mexico” Jefe explains, realizing that subtlety is not going to work. “But we do have one person we’d like to send to the SWF.”


“I get it, your biggest star is getting too big for little ol’ Mexico and wants to move up to the big leagues?” Maddix says with a confident smile.


“Well no, he’s a rookie”


“He’s not even a rookie, he’s a student hasn’t worked a single pro match yet” the shorter, hairier of Principal Jefe’s assistants adds.


“Quiet Mano Dercera!”


“Mano… He’s known as the Right Hand?” Landon says, taking the opportunity to show his awesome Spanish skills


“Well he is my assistant, my right hand if you will” Principal Jefe explains, “but now to business”


“I wish you would, it’s already dragging on” Maddix replies.


“We have a kid, a promising student at our school you see. But we feel that he needs experience, seasoning really to make it big and well what better place to expose him to a great variety of wrestlers and styles than here” Principal Jefe explains.


“What’s this kid’s name?”


“He doesn’t have one”


“Excuse me?” Maddix looks at Principal Jefe like he just offered to turn water into Tequila.


“Well in Lucha Libre it’s a tradition that the wrestler has to earn his name, he has to earn his true Máscara… mask”


“But… but how can I book him? How can I market this guy if he doesn’t have a name”


“You could just leave the name blank” Mano Dercera suggests.


“We’ve had enough Blanks in this company to last me a lifetime!” Maddix snaps


“He is the Man with no name, that’s how he should be listed” Principal Jefe adds, hoping to get the show on the road.


“Can’t do that” Maddix says shaking his head “copyright infringements I’m afraid and frankly I don’t want a coked up, crazed Brutus Beefcake chasing me.”


None of the Mexicans seen to remember that particular WCW angle and just sit there in uncomfortable silence until Principal Jefe offers a compromise.


“Call him… El Hombre Sin Nombre”


“Hmm… not too bad, not very catchy though” Maddix says as he considers the option.


“Oh but it will only be for a short while, when he earns his true máscara the name will change, he will adopt a new gimmick.”


“Yeah you mentioned “Earning his mask” earlier… how you do that?” Maddix ponders


“It’s very simple señor, by respecting the lucha libre tradition and winning five matches.”


“That’s it?” Maddix says with disappointment.


“You look disappointed? It’s not like he has to go on a quest to discover some inner truth, it’s wrestling not a book or a movie.” Principal Jefe rolls his eyes, that kind of storyline is much too sophisticated for wrestling.


“Alright, alright so let me get this straight: I sign this kid, book him to give him experience and when he’s won five matches he goes back to Mexico? I mean that’s not really very profitable for me now is it? Sure we can use a low carder, but what if he takes off? What if he actually gets a few fans? How can I know he won’t just leave once he’s won those five matches?” Maddix comments while looking proud that he thought of that, he’s really gotten the hang of this Commissioner job after all.


The three Mexicans discuss something in Spanish with both nodding and headshaking involved, in the end Principal Jefe sighs and nods, agreeing to the suggestion against his will.


“He will not be lent out by us, he’ll sign a full SWF contract, you’re his boss, you can fire him if he sucks and you can enforce a non-compete clause if he wants to leave” Principal Jefe suggests. In the background Mano Dercera snickers and nods in approval, it was his suggestion after all.


“And he’ll honor the contract?”


All three Mexicans look shocked… well we think they do, they’re wearing masks for cripes sake.


“A luchador always honors his commitments, it’s in the book” Principal Jefe explains


“The book?”


“El Libro de Lucha Libre!” Jefe proudly exclaims “Does it not say in the book that a luchador honors his commitment El Bibliotecario??”


The third man pulls out a large, dusty, leather bound book, flips through it to a certain passage and after reading it simply says “Si”


“Well there you have it”


Maddix swivels his leather chair around, turning his back on the guests while he waits, partly because he liked it, gave him a certain “James Bond villain” feel and because he wasn’t sure if this was a good idea or not. He knew how easy it was to hide under a mask, what if this was someone trying to sneak back in? what if this was just a ploy? If they’re out to get him?? Maddix begins to sweat as he considers the possibility of this being a swerve. Then he relaxes, his pulse settles down and he confidently smiles, after all he’s much too clever to fall for a trick like that, heck he practically invented the trick… sorta. At least in the SWF… sorta.


Filled with confidence and decisiveness Maddix turns back around to face his confused guests.


“Do we have a deal?” Principal Jefe asks.


“We do” Maddix nods.


“Excellent, you won’t be sorry sir!” Principal Jefe quickly shakes Maddix hand before the three men leave the office.


Maddix is left to himself, feeling relaxed and on top of the world he leans back and puts his feet on the table.


“Landon, you’re a shrewd businessman” he says to himself.



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Funyon - The next match is a no disqualification, no count-outs, falls count anywhere hardcore match, and it is scheduled for one-fall!!


The crowd cheers.


Funyon - Introducing first, weighing in at 228 pounds, hailing from Toronto, Ontario, JJ Johnson!!




The lights dim, and a loud voice begins chanting BOOM!! Red and white pyros go off as Slaves Shall Serve grinds into gear. The fans cheer as JJ Johnson walks out through the smoke, not acknowledge them, but not jeering then either. He hops up on the ring apron and enters through the middle and top ropes. He climbs up the turnbuckle and makes a crucifix pose.




Funyon - And his opponent, weighing in at one hundered and "none of your damn business" pounds, hailing from Helltown, Haverhill Massachusetts, Taiga Star!!




Be a Man hits and the crowd cheers. A generic Princess of Hardcore graphic lights up the screen and Taiga Star comes out. She slaps hands of a few fans, then rolls in under the bottom rope, jumps to her feet, and poses for a moment with her hands stretched overhead.



Referee Eddy Long calls for the bell.








The match starts with Taiga and JJ walking toward each other in the ring. Before they have a chance to lock up, Taiga throws a powerful left handed punch, clocking JJ straight in the jaw, sending him flying backwards to the mat.




Mak Francis - Well, there's nothing like getting the match started with a bang.




Taiga goes for the pin.






JJ kicks out.




Suicide King - And she just tried to end it as quickly as possible. I think she just wants to get the match over with.


Mak Francis - According to Taiga herself, she loves the hardcore style of wrestling.


Suicide King - I think she's a scared little girl.




Taiga actually gives JJ a chance to get up off the mat before wrenching in a side headlock. JJ throws her off into the ropes. She springs off and ducks a clothesline.




Suicide King - She doesn't even have to duck the clothesline, she's so short that she can run right under it!




Taiga bounces off the opposite side and ducks another clothesline. On the third pass she slams into JJ with a cross body, sending him down. He throws her off and kip-ups to his feet. Both competitors stare each other down, silently daring each other to make another move. JJ offers up a collar and elbow tie-up. Taiga snakes around into a hammerlock. Taiga pushes JJ into the corner front first.




Mak Francis - Taiga utilized her low center of gravity to push the larger competitor into the corner...


Suicide King - Low center of gravity? She's a midget!




JJ demands that the referee to count the rope break. Eddy Long reminds JJ that this is a hardcore match. JJ grunts and fights Taiga off his back. Taiga retaliates by landing a stiff chop right between the shoulder blades.








Mak Francis - That's one of the hardest chops I've seen in a while.


Suicide King - This woman is scary.




JJ whithers in pain, dropping to the mat. Taiga grabs him by the hair to stand him up, then attempts to whip him across the ring. JJ reverses midway, sending Taiga into the corner instead. JJ advances on her but she ducks and rolls out under between his legs!




Suicide King - I bet you're going to say something about Taiga Star using her "low center of gravity" again, huh Mak?




JJ looks across the ring in exasperation and charges Taiga again; and again Taiga rolls out of the way. JJ, getting sick of this business, grabs her by the hair and manages to get her in a front headlock. Taiga counters this into a small package.






JJ rolls Taiga into a small package of his own.






Taiga kicks out, stands up, and rolls JJ into another pin, folding him in half and laying across his legs.








JJ kicks out.


JJ stands up and stomps his feet in frustration. He pulls ref aside and complains of Taiga pulling his beard. Referee Long again reminds JJ that he's in a hardcore match, and even if she did, he couldn't do anything about it. While he is arguing with the ref, Taiga goes down low... not there, you sickos, even lower... and takes out JJ's knees, making him collapse face first into the bottom turnbuckle. Taiga clamps her hands around his head to steady him for a stiff kick to the face. Again. And again!




Mak Francis - Those are some brutal kicks.




Taiga runs off the opposite ropes and nails a dropkick to the side of his head. JJ rolls around a bit groaning. Taiga runs towards him again, this time she uses a baseball slide to kick him out of the ring! JJ lands on his back and doesn't move. Taiga follows him out the ring by rolling under the bottom rope. She lifts the apron and rummages around under the ring a bit and pulls out a steel folding chair!


She stalks JJ as he gets up to his knees and crawls along a bit. He looks over his shoulder to see Taiga hovering over him with the chair and he quickens his pace, scurrying out of the way. Taiga swings for the first chair shot, and it doesn't land very well.




Suicide King - I knew that a girl can't swing a chair.


Mak Francis - Come on King, JJ Johnson was crawling at full force there!




Taiga swings the chair again, and again lands the shot halfway. JJ stumbles to his feet, using the barricade to assist himself up. Taiga raises the chair high, and with a howl, she swings it full force at his head. JJ ducks out of the way just in time, and she catches nothing but barricade. The chair ricochets and she drops it, shaking the feeling back into her hands.


JJ takes advantage by swiftly grabbing the chair and going for a chairshot of his own. He connects much better than Taiga did, nailing her square in the forehead. The chair dents. The crowd gasps. Taiga remains standing however, swinging her arms out to keep balance.




Mak Francis - I have no idea how Taiga Star is still standing after that chair shot!


Suicide King - It's because she doesn't have a brain. She obviously doesn't know how to land a chair shot.




JJ lands another shot, doing further damage to the chair and Taiga's head. A trickle of blood starts running down her forehead.


JJ throws the chair aside. He picks her up by the hair and kicks her hard in the head, aggravating the wound on her head. Pulling her arm, he pulls her along and flings into the barricade on the other side of the ring! The barricade shifts. The crowd in that section stands up and cheers. JJ stands proud, drinking it all in.


Before Taiga has a chance to move, he picks her up again, then flings her into the next barricade! Again she lands hard, and the crowd over there loves it. JJ signals to to the next corner. The crowd over there cheers! JJ begins to throw her, but halfway through he rolls Taiga back into the ring. The fans on that side aren't very happy about that.






Suicide King - I don't know why these fans are booing, JJ made a smart move there by getting Taiga back into the ring, where he can go to work on her in a more technical style.




JJ drops several elbows onto Taiga, connecting each time with full force. Taiga crumples under the onslaught, gasping for breath. JJ with a leg-drop on Taiga. He hooks a leg.






Taiga kicks out. JJ randomly kicks Taiga in the head a few more times, more insulting mockery than forceful. He then turns Taiga over and locks Taiga in a half crab! Taiga tries to wiggle out of it but JJ locks it in tighter. The ref asks Taiga if she wants to give it up, she replies by cussing at him. Taiga claws the mat in frustration and cries out in pain. Several long moments pass while Taiga flails about in agony. Then suddenly, she goes limp.




Mak Francis - What the... Taiga Star might be out here. She's not moving at all...


Suicide King - Maybe she's just realizing she got out-wrestled by the wrestler in this one.




Taiga taps the mat, one slap and her arm goes dead again. A few seconds pass and she slaps the mat again, this time harder. The crowd gets behind her a little, some clapping along to the sluggish rhythm. JJ looks around angrily and yells at the ref, telling him that Taiga is tapping out and he needs to call the match. Suddenly Taiga rolls into a little ball, trapping JJ in a tight pinning predicament!!






THR... NO!! JJ kicks out!!




Mak Francis - That was a nice bit of wrestling that Taiga used there, wouldn't you say, King?




JJ and Taiga both get to their feet. JJ charges at Taiga. She ducks, pulling the top rope down with her. JJ goes flying out under his own momentum, landing on the floor at a bad angle. Taiga follows him out of the ring. She grabs JJ by the legs and starts swinging him around in a giant swing. she goes around...


and around...


and around...




Mak Francis - Round and round she goes, where she stops...


Suicide King - Can it, Mak. Those cliches are a dime a dozen, and should be avoided like the plague.



and around...




Mak Francis - She's making herself dizzy. She's making ME dizzy!




and around...



Taiga finally stops the swing by throwing him head first into the barricade with a loud THUD!! The people in the front row have to move because the impact causes the barricade to bend in at an angle. Both JJ and Taiga are down!! Neither wrestler moves. The crowd cheers and some guys start an SWF chant. Taiga begins to stir first.




Mak Francis - Traditional count-outs don't apply to hardcore matches.


Suicide King - Really? That's fascinating.




With JJ is still down, Taiga stumbles back toward the ring, where she holds herself up a few more moments to catch her breath. The crowd starts clapping along slowly for encouragement. Taiga looks under the ring and finds two more chairs. She tosses them into the ring and slowly begins setting them up.




Mak Francis - I wonder what Taiga has in mind here.




JJ is barely stirring and blood is pouring out of the top of his head. After a few long moments and great difficulty, he manages to pull himself up. He lays on the barricade for support, leaning over and bleeding on the front row. One snobby looking lady is disgusted when his blood drips into her popcorn, and she stands with an offended look and throws the popcorn at JJ. This gets him riled up and he goes to smack that bitch up... but security gets between them.




Mak Francis - JJ Johnson needs to watch his temper here.


Suicide King - Did you see what happened? That trashy looking broad threw her popcorn at him. What kind of person throws popcorn at an injured man?




During the commotion, Taiga sets up the chairs in the ring, facing seat to seat. She climbs between the bottom and middle ropes, then stands outside on the apron before dropping an axehandle down across JJ's back! He buckles over. Taiga grabs him and rolls him into the ring, where she attempts to brainbuster JJ through the chairs!




Suicide King - What is this crazy woman trying to do here?


Mak Francis - It looks like Taiga Star is trying to drop JJ Johnson head first through those steel chairs!


Suicide King - Imagine that!




JJ blocks the brainbuster attempt and tries to back suplex her back through the chairs... but this was blocked by Taiga, who reversed into a belly to back suplex... until that was reversed into an unprettier, where JJ finally manages to drive Taiga through the chairs face first!! The crowd pops!! Taiga goes into convulsions as blood pours from her head.




Suicide King - It looks like all she managed to do is get her own face busted into those chairs.


Mak Francis - She put up one hell of a struggle though. Here's JJ with the pin!






Suicide King - She's done.







TWO and a half....







Mak Francis - How did she kick out of that? Look at her face, blood is just running out. She must have some gas left in the tank to be able to kick out of a move like that. Wrestlers like Taiga, they may be smaller, but what they lack in size, they make up for it in heart...


Suicide King - Taiga just got lucky that JJ didn't hook a leg.




JJ props himself up in a corner to catch his breath. Taiga struggles to get on her feet, then she props herself up on the rope. Both competitors exchange dirty looks. Taiga stumbles out and grabs one of the chairs. She folds it back up (as folded as it can get, with the dent in it and all) and surprises a lot of people when she hands it over to JJ Johnson!




Suicide King - Is she crazy, just giving her opponent a chair like that?




Taiga picks up the other chair and folds it as well. She tells JJ to hit her with the chair. JJ looks at Taiga and laughs.




Suicide King - She's definitely crazy. What kind of strategy is this?




Taiga tells him to hit her with the chair again. JJ looks at her like she has twelve heads, but shrugs and swings the chair over her head with a loud thud. Taiga wabbles a little, regains her posture, and smiles. Then she hits JJ over the head, giving him a much harder chair shot than what she got.




Suicide King - Taiga is a scary woman.




JJ wabbles, falls over forward but gets his hand to the mat. He complained about the pain and Taiga replied by telling him to hit her with the chair again. JJ takes a deep breath, swings his chair high, and it connects square in the middle of Taiga's skull!!


Taiga wobbles a bit, as she was just hit with a chair pretty hard. She stands up and she laughs before swinging her chair at JJ's head. JJ stumbles back a bit before delivering a chair shot in return. They trade chair shots back and forth. DUELING CHAIRSHOTS!!!


JJ is the first to fall to his knees. Taiga takes full advantage of this and assaults him with the chair BANG! BONG! THUD! until he falls to the mat... where she gives him a few more chair shots, just for good measure. Taiga drops the chair and looks down at JJ with a sickening sneer.




Suicide King - Now that's just disturbing.




Taiga looks up at the turnbuckle, then looks down at JJ again. Even though JJ looks to be a little too far, Taiga climbs the ropes anyway. She measures herself up then leaps from the corner, landing a DOUBLE STOMP in the middle of his chest!! JJ has the wind knocked out of him and he can barely move. Taiga hooks both the legs for the cover!!









Referee Long calls for the bell!!!







Funyon - Your winner of the match, Taiga Star!!!




Be a Man reprises and the referee goes to raise Taiga's hand. She manages to get her arm up, but cringes and holds her head. The ref then goes to check on JJ, who hasn't moved from the fetal position since that double stomp. Taiga looks down at him in amusement. She grabs his hand. The ref looks concerned about an attack, but Taiga merely shakes JJ's hand, then drops it limply at his side.




Mak Francis - An impressive win here for the rookie Taiga Star.


Suicide King - Losing to a girl isn't impressive, Mak, losing to a girl is embarrassing.




As we go to commercial, the camera follows Taiga up the ramp as she shakes hands and jumps around happily for herself.

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“We’re keeping the action going here tonight,” says Mak Francis, “as we get ready for the highly anticipated rematch between Wildchild and Dance Dance Dragon, and this time, it’ll be for the World Cruiserweight Championship!”


“Wildchild was lucky to escape with a time-limit draw at Class in Session,” says the Suicide King. “Tonight will be different, though: tonight there’ll be a one-hour time limit, and Wildchild’s not going to be able to run out the clock this time!”


“While King’s version of their last matchup is somewhat revisionist,” quips Mak, “an extended time limit will definitely mitigate one of the Champion’s advantages… King, I thought that you were a guy that tends to be in favor of the Champion having all the benefits he can?”


“Usually I am,” replies King. “But, in Wildchild’s case, I’ll make an exception!”


“You’d trade the devil you know for the devil you don’t?”


“Once again,” affirms King, “in this case, absolutely! At least I know that Dragon will actually attempt to wrestle every once in a while!”


“Okay then,” says Mak. “Biases aside, how do you see the match playing out?”


“I actually see Dragon holding a slight favorite in this match,” replies King thoughtfully. “I mean, he knows what to expect from Wildchild, and he wrestles a mixture of high-flying and strong style that Wildchild has proven to have difficulty with. Not only that, but Dragon knows that he can counter the only move in Wildchild’s arsenal that he really has to fear… And let’s not forget that he had Wildchild knocked out cold in their last match, Francis: if it weren’t for that time-limit escape, Dragon would already hold a pinfall victory over the World Cruiserweight Champion!”


“That’s a very solid argument, King,” concedes Mak. “But I’ve learned not to bet against Wildchild when that World Cruiserweight Title is at stake. Wildchild kicks it into a whole other gear when that belt’s on the line; he’s beaten more than a handful of wrestlers that you would have thought would have an advantage over him, when that title was on the line!”


“Francis, all things must come to an end,” replies King. “I was down on Dance Dance Dragon when he first came to the SWF, but he made a believer out of me. He’s going into this match with some good momentum, and that all-important psychological edge! I foresee the title changing hands here tonight!”


“You’ve been foreseeing the title changing hands ever since Genesis,” snarks Mak. “But, as well as the Dragon’s been wrestling lately, this could be the night that King is finally right! Without any further ado, let’s send it up to Funyon in the ring!”






“Ladies and gentlemen,” booms Funyon, “our next match… is for the SWF World Cruiserweight Championship, with a one-hour time limit!”






With that, the lights dim, and the entranceway is illuminated by a rotating Dance Dance Revolution hologram. Suddenly, Madonna’s “Hung Up” begins playing as the Dragon makes his way out from behind the curtain!


“The following contest is scheduled for one fall!” continues Funyon. “Making his way towards the ring at this time is the challenger! From Heaven’s Dancefloor, and weighing two hundred eleven pounds… Dance! DAAAAANCE! DUUUUUH-RAAAAAGON!” Dragon slaps hands with the fans leaning over the barricade as he dance down to the ring.


“There doesn’t appear to be any lack of confidence on the part of the challenger,” notes Mak as Dragon slides underneath the bottom rope to enter the ring.


“Why would there be,” replies King, as the lights come back on in the arena. “I told you before, Dragon knows he can beat this guy; why shouldn’t he be confident?” Dragon submits himself to inspection from referee Ronald “Red” Herrington as his music fades out. Dragon’s dancers all run backstage as the arena once again darkens:




















The crowd becomes frantic as Redman’s “Let’s Get Dirty” begins to play; a single spotlight pulses at the entranceway as Wildchild steps out from behind the curtain!






“His opponent,” booms Funyon, “hails from the Bahamas, and weighs two hundred fourteen pounds! He is the SWF World Cruiserweight Champion: the WIIIIILDCHIIIIILD!” Wildchild slaps hands with the fans at ringside as he makes his way down the aisle as well.


“There doesn’t appear to be any lack of confidence on the part of Wildchild either, King,” says Mak, as WC somersaults between the ropes to enter the ring. “He may not have managed to beat Dragon when they last faced, but he is coming off a successful defense against Hollywood Spike Jenkins… By the way, didn’t you say that Jenkins held the favorite in that match, too?”


“Anybody can get lucky,” replies King dismissively, as the lights come back on. “And I strongly suggest that you watch your tone when you talk to me; if you keep up this, you’ll be back doing cripple porn for the internet where I found you!”


As the two announcers continue to bicker, WC submits himself to inspection from the referee, and then surrenders the World Cruiserweight Championship to him. Herrington holds the belt overhead, displaying it to the crowd, and then hands it to the departing Funyon, as Wildchild’s music fades out. Herrington then motions for the timekeeper to ring the bell, signifying the start of the match:






“Bell’s gone,” shouts Mak, “and we’re underway!” Dragon and WC meet in the center of the ring for a collar-and-elbow tie-up, and Wildchild quickly takes advantage, dropping to his knees and shooting between Dragon’s legs to take the challenger by surprise with a fireman’s carry takeover! Wildchild applies a reverse chinlock, and then quickly shifts into a side headlock, laying out to flatten Dragon against the canvas. The Masked Dance Assassin manages a deft counter, rolling WC backwards into a cradle:








Wildchild kicks out at one. Both men roll to their feet and move to lock up again; Wildchild again takes control with a side headlock, and Dragon counters by turning into WC’s body and reversing into a top wristlock. Dragon begins to use his strength advantage to power Wildchild over backwards, but the Champion bridges to avoid being pushed directly to the canvas.


“Some fine wrestling to start this matchup,” says Mak. “Terrific counter by Dragon into the top wristlock, but a VERY nice bridge by the Wildchild!” Dragon headbutts Wildchild in the chest to push him down to the canvas:








Wildchild bridges back up on a one count. He gets his feet under him and begins to fight to return to an upright position; the fans begin stomping on the floor in unison, rallying behind the Champion as he pushes against Dragon to return to a vertical base… only for the challenger to bury a knee into his midsection! Dragon pushes Wildchild backwards into a neutral corner, and lets go of WC before Herrington can order him to break…







… Only for DDD to lay into Wildchild’s chest with a vicious reverse knife-edge chop! Dragon quickly follows with two more chops and then chains it with an elbow to form the Violence Party combo! Dragon whips Wildchild across the ring and follows him into the corner with a tremendous rolling Koppou kick that knocks the Champion down to his posterior! Dragon pulls WC back to his feet and delivers another chop before grabbing him by the wrist to whip him back across the ring; Wildchild surprises him with a reversal, but DDD plants his hands on the top turnbuckle and launches himself backwards over the inbound Champion. The Strong Style Party Animal runs back across the ring as Wildchild gives chase, and leaps nimbly up to the top turnbuckle, launching himself backwards to crash into WC with a moonsault press! Dragon holds him down for a cover:













Wildchild kicks out at two, and Dragon applies a reverse chinlock as the Champion sits up. Wildchild quickly negotiates himself back to his feet, and the Bemani Bruiser leads him back into the neutral corner and stuns him with several kicks to the midsection, followed by another knife-edge chop, before whipping him across the ring; this time, however, the Bahama Bomber plants his hands on the top turnbuckle as he approaches the corner, and raises his legs off the canvas to lock his ankles behind the head of the inbound challenger, and take him over with a swinging headscissors!


“Nice defensive maneuver by the Wildchild,” says Mak, as Dragon rolls across the ring, using the ropes in the corner to pull himself to his feet. WC wastes no time in going after him, pushing Dragon back against the ropes…






… And delivering a chop of his own!






Wildchild grabs Dragon by the wrist and whips him across the ring, only for Dragon to reverse, sending WC crashing back-first into the corner; Dragon charges in after him, but WC quickly gets his leg up to drive his foot into the challenger’s face! The Human Hurricane eases up to the middle ropes as Dragon stumbles out of the corner and leaps back into the ring, landing in a seated position on DDD’s shoulders and arching backwards as he swings his body around to take Dragon over with a scintillating Dragonrana! WC rolls Dragon onto his back and applies a cover:













Dragon kicks out at two! The challenger instinctively rolls over onto his stomach, and the Champion applies an armbar to the right arm; Dragon begins to negotiate his way to his feet, but the Tropical Tumbler surprises him by leaping off the canvas behind him, scissoring the left arm with his legs while maintaining control of the right arm, and pulling the challenger backwards into a crucifix pin!













Dragon kicks out at two! Both men get back to their feet and Wildchild takes an early advantage, stunning the challenger with two quick forearms to the side of the head before grabbing him by the wrist to whip him across the ring, only for Dragon to reverse; the Bemani Bruiser bellies out as WC bounces off the ropes, and then quickly springs to his feet as the Champion rebounds a second time, and scoops him into a fireman’s carry, and into an Airplane Spin!



“Speed Modifier!” shouts Mak, as Dragon spins around several times, before dumping his opponent off his shoulder to the canvas. “Nothing like a Speed Modifier to neutralize a faster opponent!”


“And look at this,” cries King, as Dragon swoops in behind his fallen opponent, “right into the Dragon Sleeper! Excellent chain wrestling by the challenger; he’s really done his homework to prepare for this match!” Herrington looks into Wildchild’s face and asks him if he wants to give up, but the Champion aggressively responds in the negative.


Dragon, realizing that his opponent isn’t compromised enough to put him away with the Dragon Sleeper, releases the hold, opting instead to pull Wildchild to his feet. DDD backs WC against the ropes and whips him across the ring, scooping him up into his arms as he rebounds to deliver a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, but the Caribbean Cruiser deftly counters into a tilt-a-whirl headscissors instead, that sends Dragon flying across the ring! WC waits for Dragon to get to his feet before charging across the ring, leaping off the canvas to knock both he and Dragon outside the ring with a flying cross-body block…






… But the Masked Dance Assassin ducks out of the way, pulling the top rope down slightly as Wildchild sails out of the ring, crashing onto the no-longer-padded concrete floor!


“Was that a disqualification?” wonders Mak, as Dragon steps out onto the apron.


“It shouldn’t be,” replies King. “That was Wildchild’s own momentum that took him over those ropes; he didn’t go over the top as the result of an offensive move!” Dragon waits for WC to get to his feet before running across the apron and diving feet-first out to the floor, knocking the Champion back to the floor with a running front missile dropkick!


“At any rate, it was a beautiful fake out by the Dragon,” replies Mak, “as the challenger maintains his advantage with a wicked running dropkick off the apron!” Dragon rolls back into the ring and enjoys a few seconds of recovery time as Wildchild struggles to get back on to the apron; once WC gets to his feet, Dragon rushes over to him and traps him in a front facelock, lifting him overhead to suplex him back into the ring… but the Bahama Bomber rotates through and lands on his feet behind the challenger, leaping off the canvas as Dragon turns around and knocking him through the ropes with a standing dropkick!


“I love this fast-paced action, King!” shouts Mak, as Wildchild pumps his fists to incite the crowd. “The counters are going back and forth between these two!” WC runs to the neutral corner and leaps onto the top turnbuckle as Dragon gets to his feet, running across the top rope and leaping out of the ring, landing on the challenger’s shoulders and ripping his feet abruptly off the floor with a breathtaking swinging headscissors!










“Andros Dive!” shrieks Mak. “Andros Dive into a headscissors, right out on the concrete floor!”


“This kid’s insane!” roars King. “He’s taking more chances now than he did back when we HAD pads on the floors!” Wildchild pulls Dragon to his feet and rolls him back into the ring; he then climbs up onto the apron and heads over to the nearby corner; he leaps over the top rope and lands on the top turnbuckle facing the crowd, but the Bemani Bruiser pulls the rug out from under him, crotching the Champion on the top turnbuckle! DDD climbs up to the middle turnbuckles and applies a full Nelson before popping his hips…






… Launching WC back into the ring and driving his head into the canvas with a Dragon Superplex! The damage he sustained from earlier moves catches up with him, however, and Dragon is unable to hold onto the full Nelson or the bridge for the pin.










“Oh. My… GOD!” shouts Mak. “Dragon Superplex! I’ve never seen anything like that in all my years of wrestling!”


“Wildchild’s lucky that Dragon couldn’t hold that bridge,” adds King, “or this match would be over right now!” Dragon remains motionless for several more seconds before crawling over to Wildchild to apply a cover:


















Wildchild just gets the shoulder up! Dragon rolls out to the apron and uses the ropes to pull himself to his feet; he staggers over to the nearby corner and climbs up to the top turnbuckle, but not before stopping to salute the crowd.



“Dragon’s giving the sign for that patented double stomp off the top,” says Mak, “but he’s wasting too much time!”



Too much time, indeed. For DDD isn’t even paying attention to the ring, certain that WC is still incapacitated, and fails to notice the Champion struggling to get back to his feet. Dragon leaps blindly back into the ring, his body locked into position for the double stomp…






… Which leaves him helpless to defend against the Tropical Tumbler, who counters with a desperation standing dropkick!



“A big mistake by Dragon, and it may cost him the match,” King says sadly. WC crawls over towards the challenger and applies a lateral press:













Dragon kicks out at two! WC pulls Dragon to his feet and stuns him with a knife-edge chop; he then grabs DDD by the wrist and whips him across the ring, but lowers his head to deliver a back-body drop, and Dragon makes him pay for it with an axe-handle blow to the back! Dragon traps the Champion in a standing headscissors and lifts WC upside-down before grabbing him by the trunks…







… And driving Wildchild headfirst into the canvas with a pulling piledriver! Dragon applies a lateral press:








“What a move!” shouts Mak.










“I think he got him with that one!” says King gleefully.










NO! Wildchild gets the shoulder up! The fans all stomp their feet on the ground in support of the Cruiserweight Champion, as Dragon holds three fingers up to the referee, only to have two fingers shoved back into his face in response!



“Boy was that close!” shouts Mak, as Dragon pulls WC to his feet.



“Well, it’s no secret that Red Herrington has trouble counting to three sometimes,” grumbles King, as Dragon leads WC over to the corner and lifts him up onto the top turnbuckle; the Masked Dance Assassin climbs up onto the top turnbuckle himself, only for the Champion to push him back into the ring. Wildchild tries to position himself on the turnbuckles to execute an attack of his own, but Dragon recovers too quickly, charging into the corner and stunning WC with a running leaping palm strike! The challenger then turns with his back to the Champion, reaching up to grab him underneath his arms before flipping him off the turnbuckles…






… And slamming Wildchild into the canvas with an Iconoclasm!



“Iconoclasm!” shouts Mak, as Dragon reaches over WC’s body to grab a leg. “That’s going to do it!”


















“Unbelievable that Wildchild could kick out of that Iconoclasm,” says King. “I was sure that was it!” Dragon pulls Wildchild to his feet and leads him over to a neutral corner; he lifts WC up to the top turnbuckle, and then turns to face the ring, signaling for one more Iconoclasm. DDD reaches up to grab Wildchild…






… But the Bahama Bomber lowers the boom on the challenger, courtesy of an elbow smash to the top of the head! WC quickly follows up with double fist-box to the ears, and then kicks Dragon in the back of the head, sending him stumbling towards the center of the ring! The Human Hurricane scrambles to the top turnbuckle and turns to face the crowd before leaping fearlessly backwards into the ring, landing in a seated position on Dragon’s shoulders, and locking his legs around DDD’s neck as he arches backwards, pulling the challenger into a rana pin!


















Dragon barely kicks out at two! Wildchild, incredulous, gets to his feet and into the face of referee Red Herrington, screaming about a slow count, and completely fails to notice Dragon recovering behind him.


“Nice to see Herrington’s slow count screw somebody else for a change!” says King, as DDD gets back to his feet. “But, I’ll tell you, Wildchild was an eyelash away from retaining his… WOW! Did he catch him!”


King’s remarks refer to the fact that the Bemani Bruiser sneaks up behind Wildchild and knocks him off of his feet with a tremendous rolling elbow! Dragon quickly pulls WC to his feet and traps him in a front facelock; he reaches down to grab the leg and lifts him overhead for a vertical suplex, only to drop him forward stomach-first onto the top rope!


“Yikes!” cringes Mak. “The Dragon hung him out to dry!”


“That was like a slingshot suplex,” muses King, as Dragon runs to the ropes, “only he left out the suplex!” The Masked Dance Assassin picks up speed as he bounces off the ropes and somersaults forward, slicing down onto the top of WC’s head with a rolling Koppou kick that sends him falling inside the ring!


“Good grief!” shouts Mak. “That was devastating!”


“And it was also very smart,” adds King. “Dragon was very smart to make sure that he hit Wildchild with a kick that had a downward motion on it; that forced Wildchild’s momentum to bring him back into the ring, and it saved the Dragon from a potential disqualification!” Dragon pulls WC to his feet and traps him in an inverted front-facelock; DDD lifts the Champion overhead and swings him backwards…






… Driving him down with an Osaka Street Cutter! Dragon rolls WC over onto his back and applies a lateral press:













Wildchild just gets the shoulder up! Dragon gets to his feet and rolls WC onto his back; the Masked Dance Assassin runs towards the edge of the ring and breaks into a DDR sequence as he bounces off the ropes, before leaping into the air…






… And driving the DDR Elbow down into Wildchild’s chest! Dragon holds his shoulders down for a cover:













THR—NO! Dragon pounds the canvas in frustration, insisting with the referee that it should have been three! He pulls WC to his feet and bends him over at the waist; he then positions himself in front of the Champion and gives the sign for the Dance Dance DDT…






… But the Bahama Bomber suddenly grabs Dragon from behind and snatches him off the canvas, dropping him backwards on his head and folded him up with a backdrop suplex!










“Beautiful counter by the Wildchild,” says Mak. “But you have to wonder how much the last two or three minutes have taken out of him?” WC runs to the ropes and leaps into the air as he rebounds, swinging his legs up and around Dragon’s head, and taking him over with a satellite headscissors!


“Wildchild has been very proficient with that headscissors tonight,” notes Mak. “Every time he’s gotten into any kind of trouble, he’s gone back to that headscissors.”


“You know what that tells me, Francis?” chimes King. “It tells me that Wildchild is hesitant to go for that Wild Ride!”


“What?” asks Mak. “What do you mean by that, King?”


“Well, just think about it,” replies King. “I know how it’s easy to look at Wildchild doing all kinds of high-flying moves, and think that they all look the same… but just think about it for a minute: he’s been doing about the same amount of high-flying that he always does, but none of his moves have targeted the head or the upper back! No leg lariats, no Cutters, no monkey flips, no axe-handles from the top… hell, he hasn’t even once tried to use those illegal shin guards he’s got on! You know what that tells me? It tells me that he’s not confident that he can hit the Wild Ride on this guy!”


“Well, that concern may be somewhat legitimate,” says Mak, as WC pulls Dragon to his feet. “You said before that he knows that Dragon can counter the Wild Ride, and even though we, as wrestlers, don’t like to believe it, having the knowledge that someone knows a killer counter to your best move weighs in the back of your mind, and you start to drift a little away from your gameplan, like Wildchild has here tonight!” WC grabs Dragon by the back of the head and leads him over to the edge of the ring, leaping over the top rope and down to the floor as he clotheslines DDD against the top rope with the Macho Neck Snap!





“Quick thinking by the Wildchild!” praises Mak. “King, he’s been excellent on both offense and defense here tonight!” Wildchild climbs back onto the apron and waits for Dragon to get to his feet before leaping onto the top rope and springing back into the ring towards his opponent, landing in a seated position on Dragon’s shoulders. Before the Caribbean Cruiser can wrap his legs around the challenger’s head, Dragon pushes him off forcefully, and he flips backwards gracefully down to the canvas…






… But the Bemani Bruiser lunges forward suddenly, slashing his heel through the air and blasting Wildchild in the knee basement dropkick! Dragon scrambles back to his feet and runs to the ropes, charging towards WC as he pushes himself up off the canvas…




… And blasting him in the face with a running kneelift that sends the Champion rolling across the ring and out to the arena floor!


“Amazing counter to that Hurracanrana attempt,” shots Mak. “Dragon is starting to show signs of life in this match!” Dragon steps out onto the ring apron and turns to face the inside of the ring as Wildchild gets back to his feet, before hopping onto the bottom rope and flipping backwards out onto the arena floor…






… Crashing into the Cruiserweight Champion with a picture-perfect Asai moonsault! Dragon pulls Wildchild to his feet and leads him over to the edge of the ring, rolling him underneath the bottom rope back into the ring, before using the ropes to pull himself back onto the ring apron. Upon standing up, he immediately runs to the corner and climbs to the top rope, leaping back into the ring…






… And landing on top of Wildchild with a Double Stomp! He collapses atop WC, holding the Champion’s upper body to the canvas with his own as the referee dives into position to assess the three count:

















“Dragon was able to score with that Excellent double stomp,” notes Mak, “but Wildchild found it within himself to kick out!”


“Wildchild may have been able to kick out of that,” replies King, “but he’s going to be on the defensive now; Dragon turned the tide of this match with that dropkick to the knee, and now Wildchild will have to wrestle defensively which, despite his improvement as a wrestler, is something that he still has yet to prove that he’s consistently capable of doing.” Dragon pulls WC to his feet and whips him to the ropes; he bellies out as Wildchild bounces off the ropes, but the Tropical Tumbler cartwheels over his back. DDD gets back to his feet and runs to the ropes, but Wildchild leapfrogs him as he rebounds, and the quickly spins around and leaps into the air to catch Dragon as he bounces off the ropes a second time with a spectacular rana!


“Another beautiful rana,” says Mak, “but King, I’m starting to think that you were onto something! Wildchild’s going to have to come up with something big to get over this psychological hump!” Wildchild unleashes a feral scream as Dragon gets to his feet, and runs towards the edge of the ring; the Champion picks up speed as he bounces off the ropes, leaps into the air as he rebounds, knocking DDD off his feet with a leg lariat! Rather than go for the cover, however, the Human Hurricane quickly gets back to his feet and runs to the ropes, leaping into the air as Dragon gets back to his feet and hitting another leg lariat!


“Here we go!” shouts Mak, as WC runs to the ropes to hit Dragon with a third leg lariat! “Now the tempo’s picked up!” The Champion then scrambles to his feet and runs to the ropes to knock the challenger down yet again!






“Wildchild’s got it stuck on overdrive!” shouts Mak. “Dragon doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going!”



“This looks similar to what Wildchild did towards the end of the match against Spike Jenkins,” says King, as WC exits to the apron. “Only he used the cross-body to do his damage then!” Wildchild climbs up to the top rope and waits for Dragon to get back to his feet before leaping down into the ring with a missile dropkick to the back of Dragon’s head that sends him skidding across the ring! WC scrambles over to the challenger and rolls him over to apply a cover:


















NO! DRAGON GETS THE SHOULDER UP! Wildchild gestures towards the sky with his hands as he makes his way over to a neutral corner and climbs up to the top turnbuckle, but Dragon suddenly springs back to his feet and rushes up behind WC, getting up underneath him and lifting the Champion up onto his shoulders; Dragon climbs up to the middle turnbuckle and then falls back…






… Driving Wildchild back into the canvas with a reverse electric chair drop!



“Electric chair!” shouts Mak, as Dragon rolls atop Wildchild and hooks the leg. “That’s got to do it!” Herrington dives into position to cover:













TH—NO! Dragon scoops WC into his arms and slams him down to the canvas; he then runs over to the ropes, going through a sequence of contortions as he rebounds, before leaping into the air and coming down with a kneedrop across Wildchild’s sternum.


“Strong Style Shuffle!” shouts Mak, as Dragon gets to his feet. “And he’s giving the sign for the Newbie Killer!” Dragon pulls WC to his feet and doubles him over at the waist; he positions himself in front of the Champion, but before he can reach back to secure the arms, Wildchild lifts DDD up and into a backdrop suplex!






… Only for the Bemani Bruiser to counter, shifting his weight and reversing into a modified cross-body! Dragon remains atop the Champion for the cover:













WC kicks out at two! Dragon pulls WC to his feet and whips him into the ropes, lifting him off the canvas as he rebounds and slamming him face-first into the canvas with a flapjack; the challenger then quickly gets to his feet and measures Wildchild for three stiff kicks to the chest, the final one of which knocks Wildchild flat on his back!


“Well executed Combo by the Dance Dance Dragon,” says Mak, as Dragon pulls WC to his feet; the challenger traps Wildchild in an inverted front-facelock, and then drops down to the canvas, driving the back of the Champion’s head into the canvas with a diving reverse DDT! Dragon applies a cover:













TH—NO! Wildchild gets the shoulder up!



“Wildchild’s showing tremendous heart in there,” says Mak, as Dragon pulls WC to his feet, “but Dragon appears to have this match under control. Dragon grabs Wildchild by the wrist and whips him across the ring, slamming him back-first into the turnbuckles. DDD lowers his head as WC staggers out of the corner to deliver a back-body drop…






… But the Bahama Bomber leaps into the air and extends his leg across the back of Dragon’s neck, driving the challenger face-first into the canvas with a Caribbean Cutter!






“Cutter!” shouts Mak. “That may have turned the tide!” WC crawls over to the Dragon and rolls him over for a cover:













Dragon kicks out at two! WC rolls out to the apron and climbs up to the top turnbuckle; he waits for the challenger to get to his feet before diving back into the ring, wrapping his arms around Dragon’s waist and taking him over into a flying Sunset Flip!







… But the Masked Dance Assassin rolls through and kicks Wildchild in the face! Dragon pulls Wildchild to his feet and traps him in a Dragon Sleeper, but the Caribbean Cruiser counters, spinning out of the sleeper and reversing into a side Bahaman Legsweep!






“Another terrific counter by the Wildchild,” says Mak. “And King, the last several minutes, it’s looked like Wildchild is in fact trying to set up for that Wild Ride!”


“He could very well be playing into the Dragon’s plans,” says King. Wildchild pulls Dragon to his feet and grabs him by the wrist, whipping him across the ring and into the corner. He charges into the corner himself, leaping into the air and twisting to deliver the Blue Crush, but Dragon dives out of the way; the Human Hurricane, however, lands safely on the turnbuckles, and waits for Dragon to get back to his feet before leaping into the ring and locking his ankles around the back of DDD’s head, taking him over with a reverse headscissors!


“Back to the headscissors,” says Mak, as WC pulls Dragon to his feet. “He’s had that working all night… And now it looks like he’s actually going to take a chance on the Wild Ride!” Wildchild doubles Dragon over at the waist and steps into position to hook the Wild Ride. DDD waits patiently for the Champion to hook the arms before lifting up from underneath…



… But before Dragon can get WC over his shoulders, the Bahama Bomber slips his arms out and pitches forward, pulling the challenger into a modified victory roll!




“Victory Roll!” shouts Mak, as Herrington dives into position to count. “He countered into the Victory Roll!”

























The crowd erupts as “Let’s Get Dirty begins to play again! Wildchild rolls out to the arena floor as Dance Dance Dragon sits upright, a look of what is presumably disbelief on his face behind the mask.


“He outsmarted him!” shouts Mak, as Herrington exits the ring to retrieve the belt from the timekeeper. “Wildchild showed tremendous resourcefulness in baiting Dragon into that move, and he was able to successfully retain the World Cruiserweight Championship! Let’s go to Funyon for the official word!”


“The winner of this contest,” booms Funyon, “And… STIIIIIL SWF World Cruiserweight Champion… the WIIIIILDCHIIIIILD!” Herrington returns the Cruiserweight Title to Wildchild and raises his hand in victory.


“Wildchild used Dragon’s game plan against him,” says Mak. “He knew that Dragon was waiting on him to go for the Wild Ride so he could use that counter, and he baited Dragon the whole match, by not going for the Wild Ride at all, not even attempting any of his usual setup moves, until he was sure that Dragon would go for that counter, and then he suckered him right in!”


“That he did,” concedes King. “I didn’t think that Wildchild was capable of that kind of strategy, but he’s showing me that maybe he really has grown as a wrestler. I’ll admit that he surprised me!”


A weary Dragon leans heavily over the top rope, still incredulous over what he must personally consider an upset; “I know I can beat this kid,” he must think… As Wildchild backs up the aisle, however, he holds his championship high overhead and, not taking his eyes off of his defeated challenger, he keeps shouting the same thing over and over: “Pas quand il importe... Jamais quand il importe!”



Not when it matters…



Never when it matters!



As we:


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Stepping through the curtains, Dance Dance Dragon is greeted by SWF Commissioner Landon Maddix, who has been watching the show apparantly from this position. Landon climbs up out of his seat and pats Dragon on the back as he looks down at the ground, clearly breathing heavily after his match.


"Hey, good effort out there tonight."


Looking up, the masked Dragon brushes past Landon and walks off into the distance without his usual skip in the step.


"Okay, that wasn't the least bit unneccessary." Maddix mutters to himself, as he sits back down.

Edited by King Cucaracha

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The cameras return to the central showpiece of tonight’s show in the Sears Centre, the SWF ring, emblazoned with the somewhat lewd logo of the first Pay-Per-View of the year. Around the ring people pump their arms, trying to make sure the cameras catch the signs they hold. “A Toxxic New Year!” is scrawled across one, while another sign states “Get used to being 2nd best!”



Mak Francis smiles as the camera focuses on him and his partner-in-crime at the announce table. “And now we’re back at ringside, and about to have our biggest title match of the night! This one is going to be a doozy, King.”



“A ‘doozy?’” The Suicide King smirks. “That’s one way to describe it. If you’re into talking like a 10 year old from 1987. This match is going to be one for the record books. Both of these guys are incredible wrestlers, both are vicious SOBs, and to top it off, they can’t seem to stand each other. Alexander’s got a lot to prove in this, since Toxxic’s beaten him before, fluke or not, while Toxxic has a lot to lose…namely the one remaining title in Revolution Zero’s trophy case. It’s going to be the most beautiful kind of ugly, Francis.”



“We at least agree on that,” Mak replies. “One of these guys is leaving with the SWF World Heavyweight Title, and the other is leaving with a big plate of crow to eat. And it looks like things are about to get started.”



The SWF’s resident mouthpiece, Funyon, ambles into the ring, where Referee Brock Samson stands in the corner, flipping a Filipino butterfly knife open and closed with a decidedly detached look on his face. Funyon drawls into the microphone to get things underway. “Ladies and Gentleman! The following match is one fall…for the SWF World Heavyweight Championship!” The big man does a little flourish as he turns toward the rampway. “First, the challenger…”



“Dread Rock” by Paul Oakenfold begins to play, and the a video montage of Alexander’s previous in-ring exploits interspersed with Da Vinci’s “Vitruvian Man” highlighting the areas that the various moves depicted injure on his opponents. The lights in the arena flicker in time with the Smarktron.


Funyon continues, “He is the SWF New Blood Champion…weighing in at 221 pounds… hailing from Greenville, South Carolina…the Mad Scientist of the Mat…MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICHAEL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALEXAAAAAAAAAAAANDER!”


Alexander steps out onto the stage, and the flicker lighting stops dead. He gazes out over the crowd, smirks, and makes his way to the ring, trash-talking to the crowd, which responds in kind.






Michael smiles to himself as he climbs into the ring, and he holds aloft his title belt in one hand. He strolls casually over to his corner and hands the New Blood title to the ring attendant, then leans against the ropes with his arms crossed, gazing back up the ramp.



“Well, it’s good to know that all is right with the world…the fans still hate Alexander,” Mak says.



“The mob never loves genius, Francis,” King pronounces solemnly. “It’s a cross some of us bear proudly.”



“Or loudly, as the case may be,” Mak replies smoothly. “And it looks like our World Champ is about to make his appearance.”



Every single light in the arena hits full, and the Smarktron whites out. For a few long moments there is silence, until a looped track of a crowd chant suddenly blasts over the PA System:





The soccer chant fades into the oozing bassline of ‘The Gush’ by Raging Speedhorn which reverberates around the arena as the Smarktron first whites out, then fades quickly down to black while jagged white letters flash up a familiar slogan, one word at a time as the drums and guitar feedback come in:




Three chords ring out; on the first we see Michael Stephens knocked off the top buckle to the floor by a Nathaniel Kibagami springboard enzuigiri; on the second we see him taken off the top rope with the Mark of the Beast by Gabriel Drake; on the third we see him chokeslammed out of the Clusterfuck by Janus onto the floor below. Then, as the bass solo hits the shot changes to show him taking Mike Van Siclen off a balcony and through a table, the shot starting to strobe and intercut with an image of Toxxic’s grinning face, the devastating landing timed to coincide with-




-the moment the song kicks in, and the stagewide eruption of red pyro that signals the arrival of the SWF’s most decorated Englishman! Toxxic strides through the smoke and remaining sparks, head up and looking around grinning at the booing crowd, then starts to walk down to the ring.


“And the SWF World Heavyweight Champion…weighing in at 218 pounds…from Nottingham, England…TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOXXIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!” Funyon bawls out.


‘Dysfunction is my game

These thoughts drive me insane

Tell me the price

Of which I have to pay…


Toxxic stops at the bottom of the ramp, then crosses his arms in the straight-edge ‘X’ for a moment before throwing them wide, palms flat to ignite another blast of red pyro from each ring post as the chorus comes in!




Toxxic rolls into the ring and gets up to his feet, then strips his trenchcoat off and hands the SWF World Heavyweight Championship belt to the referee. Toxxic then yanks off his T-shirt and teases tossing it to the crowd, but then flings it at the ring attendant, a smirk on his face. The crowd, like most large dumb animals, doesn’t like to be teased.






“Looks like our fans don’t have a real favorite in this one,” Mak observes. “I guess one way or another, someone they don’t like is going to lose.”



King snorts derisively. “And someone they don’t like is going to win. But of course, they might not have realized it yet; Chicagoans aren’t famous for intelligence, you know. I mean, any city that could be burned down by a cow…”



“That’s just an urban legend, King,” Mak replies.



“That just means the truth of it was even more embarrassing, Francis, and they’re trying to hide behind a cow. How pathetic is that?”



“King, we’ve got a match to call,” Mak quickly segues.



Referee Samson hold the belt up over his head, displaying it to those in attendance before handing it to the ring attendant. Samson growls at both men, asking if they are ready. Both men nod, and a duel of smirks ensues. The brutal back-and-forth of egotistical facial distortion is cut short, however. Brock Samson snarls at the bellman, and the match is on.





Alexander and Toxxic circle each other briefly before the Mad Scientist shoots in for a quick single leg pickup. The Straight-Edger has other ideas, though, and drops back in a classic counter to thetakedown, splaying his legs back and away from Alexander, and dropping into a front facelock , trying to drive the Evil Genius to the mat. Alexander fights back up to his feet, even while he remains caught in the hold. Not one to be shown up, however, Michael Alexander grabsToxxic's right wrist and manages to bridge himself and twist the Straight-Edge Sensation's right arm into a painful hammerlock, then chains into a standing side headlock, which he uses to whip the Englishman down to the mat. No slouch in such matters himself, Toxxic immediately pushes Alexander's chin back to allow him to clamp the South Carolinian's swollen head in a head-scissors. Michael manages to slide out of the hold almost immediately, but Toxxic quickly rolls away and up to his feet.


"Nice exchange of holds there," Mak notes. "I honestly can't say who got the better of that contest."


"Well, this is pretty much how things are probably going to go," King adds. "These two are about the same size, both are damn good wrestlers, and both know how much they have to lose here."



Alexander fumes as he stares at Toxxic, who presents a lopsided grin as he hops on the balls of his feet, boxer-style. The two men collide again, this time in a collar-and-elbow, which Alexander uses to apply a headlock, which he chains into a right-arm chicken wing, then follows with a drop toehold. Toxxic chooses to break up this little chain of events by using his downward momentum from the drop toehold to execute a forward roll, adding a little spring from his left leg to allow him to escape the ignominy of being dropped on his face. Both men roll to their feet again and stare each other down, but with Alexander's temper obviously flaring right along with his nostrils. Toxxic, for his part, is still smiling, if his eyes reveal that he is more guarded than before.


"Toxxic manages to avoid being grounded once again, and I think Alexander's letting his temper get the better of him," Mak warns.


King shakes his head. "That's the last thing Michael needs to do in the ring with Toxxic. He's got to keep his head. A significant part of Toxxic's offense involves keeping his opponent off his game, and if Alexander wants to win this, he's got to stay focused."



Alexander charges Toxxic, deciding to wipe that lopsided grin off his face with a clothesline. The Straight-Edger sees this coming and smoothly moves to duck under it...only to discover that the clothesline was a feint as he takes kitchen-sink knee right across his face. Toxxic stumbles backward from the impact and surprise of the move, allowing the Evil Genius to slide in and cradle the Englishman with a small package! Samson drops for the count:








Toxxic kicks out of the package and rolls toward the ropes, springing back to his feet, the smile no longer present on his face. In fact, it seems to have migrated over to Michael Alexander, whose wicked grin has returned in full force. The Evil Genius holds up to fingers atToxxic, waggling them poignantly. Toxxic , no stranger to such contests, takes it in stride. He checks his nose, rubbing it absently, his trademark grin appearing again.


"Alexander's showing that it's not quite so easy to get him off his game," King notes. "And the kid is showing that winning attitude. That's how you've got to play in there withToxxic; you can't let him get in your head."


"Well, he did just remind Toxxic that this isn't going to be as simple as he thought," Mak says. "That's certainly more than most have been able to do with the guy who has become one of, if not THE, franchise player in theSWF."


The two men again close the distance, and this time its Toxxic who explodes with a series of right hands, staggering the Mad Scientist back into the ropes. The Straight-Edger goes for an Irish whip, but Alexander reverses it, sendingToxxic into the ropes...which seems to have been part of Toxxic's plan all along, as the Bouncing Brit springs up, landing on the second rope, leaping backward to land on Michael Alexander's shoulders in aEletric Chair position, then pitching forward to pull Alexander down into a Victory Roll!


"Toxxic catches him with a victory roll!" Mak shouts.


"Well, Alexander made a major mistake there," King pronounces. "He threw Toxxic into the ropes before softening him up...that just gives him more momentum to work with."


Brock Samson hits the count:








Michael Alexander kicks out with a snarl, and Toxxic rolls back to his feet. The Mad Scientist barrels at Toxxic in a frenzied rush, and eats a dropkick that sends him careening to the mat. The Evil Genius is stunned momentarily, but instinct causes him to roll over to raise himself onto his knees...which unfortunately places him into perfect position forToxxic's dropkick du jour ...a basement dropkick directly to the side of the Mad Scientist's head! Michael Alexander crumples back to the mat with a meaty thump. True to Pavlovian form, Michael Alexander's injury elicits an audience response:




"Ouch," Mak winces. "That was two nasty kicks to the head. If only Michael Alexander's ego-inflated head didn't present such an easy target."


King snorts. "If ego is a problem in this match, then I don't think we can give either of these two an edge...both of them are damn sure of themselves. An attitude that, I have to say, has been borne out by their records."


Toxxic, not being above milking a sympathetic audience, follows this up with a standing flip senton splash onto the back of the prone Mad Scientist. The Staight-Edger rolls his opponent over and goes for another pin. The referee goes in for the count:








The Evil Genius kicks out just before three. Toxxic shrugs and hoists Alexander back to his feet, then rocks him with a crisp European uppercut. Michael's head snaps back as he stumbles into the ropes, leaning across the top ropes precariously. Not one to let such an opportunity slide, the Straight-Edge Sensation springs up to the second turnbuckle and launches himself back at his stunned opponent with a dropkick to the face, tipping the Mad Scientist over the top rope to the outside.


"Another close count for Toxxic. Alexander's getting put into the passenger seat for this match, and that's not a place you want to be when Toxxic's the driver, King."


"Michael's definitely got to get out from behind the eight ball on this one," King agrees. "He may get a little breather on the outside, but if I knowToxxic, it won't be a long one."



Alexander manages to land on his feet after his ignominious backflip over the top, but it's still a rough landing, and he flops against the guardrail to remain upright. He shakes his head in an effort to clear things up, as even an exceptionally inflated ego is not much protection against a series of nasty kicks to the head. Referee Brock Samson growls atToxxic to step back as he begins his count:









The Straight-Edger is not one to let sleeping egomaniacs lie, however, and dashes into the opposite ropes for momentum. Rebounding, he charges back toward Alexander, leaping up onto the top rope and somersaulting down onto the still shaky Evil Genius, smashing him against the guardrail he was using for support, leaving both men to collapse to the floor in a heap.








"Good lord! Toxxic nailed Alexander with that senton! Looks like you were right, King; Toxxic has no intention of giving Alexander a chance to get back into his game plan."


"Of course I was right, Francis! Why do you keep sounding so surprised by that?"


"No reason, King."


Samson snarls at Toxxic to get it back in the ring as he is forced to restart the count. Toxxic, for his part, manages to recover fairly quickly from his quasi-suicidal dive, and he drives a quick series of kicks into the sprawled Alexander. The Evil Genius tries to roll away from the assault, and manages to make it to his knees beforeToxxic grabs him and cracks his jaw with another European uppercut.






"Toxxic is just being relentless here," Mak states.


"He can afford to be, Francis," King replies soberly. "Honestly, if I were Toxxic, I'd do nothing but go after Alexander on the outside. Never try to get back in the ring. Titles don't change hands on a count-out, you know."


"I don't think either of these two wants to win by count-out. Or even go to a draw. Toxxic wants to show Alexander that there are still dues he needs to pay, and Alexander wants that title. I don't think Toxxic's ego would let him pull a cheap victory like that," Mak adds.


"Cheap?! CHEAP?! You get the same paycheck no matter how you win, Francis. Anyone tells you anything else is selling you something."


"It's about more than the paycheck to some people, King."


"Those people just haven't gotten a big enough paycheck yet, Francis."


Alexander staggers away, trying to put some distance between himself and Toxxic as he stumbles around the ringside area. The Englishman refuses to let up with his assault and, springing up onto the guardrail, follows the Mad Scientist and leaps off onto Alexander's shoulders, looking for a spinninghurricanrana . The Evil Genius, in desperation as much as malice, flings himself backwards, testing the Brit's stuff upper lip with a cracking hotshot on the ring apron! The Straight-Edger crumples to the floor across the now prone Alexander. Both men lie there for several moments as Samson continues his count, snarling out:











"Toxxic went to the well one too many times," Mak laments.


"Everybody gets dealt a bad hand once in while," King comments laconically. "Even the great ones like me."



Alexander claws his way to his feet, using the bottom rope to pull himself over the apron and back into the ring. He then immediately rolls back out to break the count, eliciting a snarl of irritation from the referee. Toxxic is looking like he may have been ready to head back in anyway, as the hotshot merely stunned him. The Evil Genius, however, wants to capitalize on this stoppage inToxxic's momentum. Michael closes with the Straight-Edger, delivering a small measure of payback as he cracks Toxxic's jaw with a forearm shot. He follows that up with a knee to the midsection, folding Toxxic into perfect position to be hurled back into the ring, which Alexander does in short order, following his opponent into the ring. Samson rumbles a warning at the Mad Scientist, who smirks as he stalks his opponent.


"And now Alexander's back on the attack!" King chirps.


Mak nods. "This is not something Toxxic wants, and he needs to do something about it quick. Alexander's like a shark once he gets on a roll, he's going to keep ripping at you until you go down."


Toxxic, meanwhile, has made it up to one knee. Michael Alexander happily notes this fortunate positioning as he snaps a vicious kick into said knee. The Englishman grunts in pain, but forces himself up, knowing that he can't afford to let Alexander drive him off his feet. The Evil Genius drives forward beforeToxxic can regain his bearings, brutally firing short kicks into the inside and outside of Toxxic's now vulnerable leg. The Straight-Edger tries to hop back to give himself some breathing room, but Alexander stays close. He tries to follow up the leg kicks with a spinning back elbow toToxxic's head, in an attempt to keep him on the defensive. Unfortunately, Toxxic defends a little too well, ducking said elbow, and starts up a little series of his own, with alternating straight punches to the Mad Scientist's jaws! The audience, predictably, loves it.


"Uh-oh," Mak sighs. "Toxxic's started on his roll..."


"And that probably means a snake-eyes for Alexander at the end of it," King laughs.


















Toxxic smirks briefly as he flips the inverted "V" at his staggering opponent. He then spins, extending his arm for his patented finish to thispentagrammatical combination. Sadly, it seems that Alexander has learned his lesson after their last encounter, and the Evil Genius ducks the discus clothesline.




Before Toxxic can recover, Alexander steps up behind his off-balance opponent, slipping his arms under those of Toxxic, then clasping his hands behind Toxxic's neck. The Straight-Edger has a quick moment to understand his predicament before Alexander arches his back, flinging Toxxic over in a release dragon suplex! Toxxic's head and neck smash into the mat with a sickening crunch, his momentum causing him to roll completely over to lie face down on the mat. Heinstinctly covers his now-throbbing neck and head with his hands. Michael Alexander gets to his feet quickly. Gazing out at the audience, he mimicsToxxic's expression of his lifestyle by crossing his arms over his chest. The people in attendance, unsurprisingly, do not find this nearly as amusing as Michael Alexander.




"Michael Alexander needs to drop this little routine and go after Toxxic," Mak admonishes.


"Come on, Francis," King urges. "Every match is as much psychology as physicality, and this is how you get into your opponent's head."


"It's also what gives a dazed opponent a chance to recover, King."


The Evil Genius grins wickedly as he returns his attention to his opponent. Toxxic is crawling toward the ropes. Alexander stomps viciously on Toxxic's injured leg, drawing a gasp of pain from the Brit. Liking the sound of this, Alexander continues this tactic, delivering a barrage of stomps toToxxic's leg. Alexander then grabs his opponent's ankle to drag him back to the center of the ring. Toxxic , ring savvy still intact, reaches out and grabs the ropes. Alexander is reluctant to release his grip, but Samson forces him to break it, shoving the Evil Genius back to the center of the ring. Alexander looks like he might argue the point, but Samson's twitching eye makes him reconsider. Toxxic takes advantage of the respite to get back to his feet, using the ropes for extra support. He shakes injured leg a little before placing too much weight on it. Samson tells the two men to get on with it. Toxxic glares at Michael Alexander, who sees that glare and raises it with a smirk.


"See, King? Had Alexander focused on maintaining Toxxic's position in the center of the ring, instead of mocking him, Toxxic wouldn't have been able to break up Alexander's offense with the ropes."


"Oh, shut up, Francis."


Almost as soon as Toxxic steps away from the ropes, he stumbles, and the Mad Scientist shoots in for a single leg takedown...which was exactly what Toxxic was waiting for, as he catches Alexander in a front facelock and rolls backwards to pull the Evil Genius into a small package!




Samson slaps the mat for the count!








Michael kicks out a look of utter shock on his face, quickly shifting into one of malicious fury. Toxxic rolls away, quickly getting back to his feet, favoring his leg only a little. He smiles at Alexander and holds up to fingers, which he waggles at Alexander pointedly before flipping them around to the British two finger salute that he has made famous even in America.


"Now where is your harping, Francis? Now that it's Toxxic doing the mocking?"


"Turnabout's fair play, King. And Toxxic's famous for this sort of thing."


The Mad Scientist scrambles to his feet and charges Toxxic, his face twisted in rage. A wild clothesline misses as Toxxic ducks it easily. Alexander recovers quickly and turns around into a sitout jawbreaker from Toxxic!




Alexander staggers away, holding his jaw. Toxxic follows him, flinging the Evil Genius into the ropes. The Englishman then charges at his rebounding opponent, dropping down to clip Alexander with a picture perfect soccer tackle! The Mad Scientist crashes face first into the mat as his legs are knocked out from under him. The Englishman lets his lopsided grin return once more as he rolls up to his feet, stepping over and tying Alexander's legs into adeathlock position, using his own legs to hold them in position, then he stretches out to hook in the 3/4 facelock needed to cinch in the Regal Stretch! Alexander rolls to the right and drives the point of his left elbow into the side of Toxxic's exposed head. The Straight-Edger is just stunned enough to allow the Evil Genius to squirm free of the leg lace and get to his feet.


"Toxxic almost had him locked into the Regal Stretch...not good for Alexander, and probably a little humiliating as well, since that is so similar to his own submission of choice,"Mak observes.


"Toxxic probably went for that a little early; you can't expect to get a complicated hold like that on a submission maestro like Alexander unless you've really worked him over," King replies.


Toxxic is already up as well, and he refuses to let his opponent have any time to get collected, barreling in to fire a series of lefts and rights, topping things off with yet another European uppercut to force Alexander into the corner. The Englishman then tries to whip Alexander across the ring, but the Mad Scientist reverses the whip, sendingToxxic into the corner instead. Never one to simply go with the flow, Toxxic leaps up to the top turnbuckle and launches himself back at Alexander with a diving clothesline! Both men crash to the mat, withToxxic rolling with the momentum to regain his feet in short order. Unfortunately for Michael Alexander, his head bounces off the mat before the rest of him does, and he is much slower to regain his bearings.




"Toxxic hits with the Role Reversal!" Mak shouts.


"Not good for Michael," King laments. "But you can't expect much less from Toxxic."


Toxxic stalks over toward Alexander and drags the stunned Southerner back to his feet. The Englishman smirks at the crowd as he pulls the American into a frontfacelock, draping Alexander's left arm over his head. The smirk broadens to a smile as Toxxic hooks his opponent's left leg, lifting him him up into position for his finisher of choice, the Caffeine Bomb.


"He's got Michael Alexander in position for the Caffeine Bomb!" King howls. "This might be over right now! I'd hate to see it end like this!"


"Don't worry, King. Dropping Alexander on his head can't do any lasting damage; his ego will cushion the blow."


However, at the moment before Toxxic twists Alexander into position for the head drop, the Evil Genius snaps his right knee into Toxxic's head...once...the Englishman stumbles a little...twice...his grip loosens...thrice...and Alexander is able to slip free, coming down behindToxxic, back to back. The Mad Scientist immediately snakes his arms underneath those of Toxxic, and pulls the Straight-Edger's shoulders to the mat in a classic backslide! A surprised Samson goes for the count...!




"An amazing reversal by Alexander! And he's got Toxxic's shoulders down!" Mak shouts hoarsely.


"This could be it, Francis! Toxxic can't be thinking straight after those close knees to the head!"












Toxxic slips Alexander's grip just before Samson's hand hits the mat for three! Both men scramble back to their feet, and barrel into each other, both firing punches at the other! Toxxic's speed allow him to land a few more blows, and he begins to gain the upper hand. Finally, a somewhat dazed Alexander missed a big right hand and the Englishman slips inside to hook his arms around Alexander's upper body and hoist the Mad Scientist into a quickSambo suplex!


"Toxxic got out and is lighting up Alexander now. He pummeled him silly and planted him with the Sambo suplex!" Mak says.


"And that usually means Toxxic's going to take to the air..." King adds.


Waisting no time now, Toxxic springs back to his feet and leaps up to the top turnbuckle nearby, then backflipping onto Alexander in a double-jump moonsault!




Toxxic stays in the lateral press position, hooking Alexander's right leg for the pin! Brock Samson snarls out the count!














This time it's Alexander's turn to squirm a shoulder up just inside the three count! Toxxic snorts at Samson in disbelief, but doesn't argue the point.


"Ooo! Just shy of three from the Radford Calling, King. Even as much as I dislike Alexander, he's really giving this all he's got."


"Yes, but right now he's taking everything Toxxic's got, and that's a recipe for losing if he keeps it up, Francis."


He instead pulls Alexander up into a sitting position, holding his arms, then wraps his legs around the Mad Scientist's head and neck in a double-leg nelson! Toxxic cranks away as the Evil Genius snarls in pain, and the crowd offers its own form of encouragement.




"Toxxic clamps on that double-leg nelson...he's obviously looking to wear down Alexander now," Mak points out.


"And it sets up for any one of Toxxic's finishing moves...all of them hit either the neck or shoulders." King adds.


Michael manages to squirm his right arm free and uses it and his legs to pull himself toward the ropes, slipping his foot just onto the bottom rope. Brock Samson rumbles atToxxic , and the hold is broken. Michael Alexander takes advantage of the forced break to slide quickly to the outside, clutching his chest and left shoulder. Toxxic smirks as Samson begins to count Alexander out...






"Alexander managed to wriggle out of the double-leg nelson, and he dodges out of the ring," Mak observes with distaste.


"Tactical retreat, Francis," King replies sagely. "Soundest strategy in that kind of situation."


The Englishman slides out after Alexander. The Mad Scientist was waiting on such a move, and as soon as Toxxic touches down on the floor nearby, Alexander drives a forearm into the Brit's head, staggering him. He then grabs Toxxic's head and bounces it off the ring apron.




"And Toxxic falls into a classic trap," Mak says. "Alexander, just that quickly, is able to get back into control."


"Even the best can still make a mistake," King remarks. "And Michael Alexander is not one to let an opportunity like that one slip past him."






Michael shoves Toxxic back into the ring roughly, then slides under the ropes himself. Alexander drives a hard kick into Toxxic's midsection, rolling him further into the ring. The Mad Scientist then turns his attention back Toxxic's leg, the subject of his earlier efforts, pummeling it with repeated Garvin-style stomps hitting ankle, calf, knee, and thigh. The Englishman grunts in pain, but still manages to roll away.


"We're back into Michael Alexander's territory now, King. He's latched onto that weakened leg like a pit bull."


"It just shows you how good Alexander is, Francis. Toxxic made one of his rare mistakes, and now Michael is right back into his zone, focusing on the leg and doing damage."


Alexander follows and, hoisting the somewhat hobbled Straight-Edger back to his feet, shoves him into the nearby corner. BeforeToxxic can start any sort of defense, the Evil Genius peppers him with alternating knife-edge and kesagiri chops to the chest until Toxxic slumps in the corner. At this point, Michael drops back a bit, seemingly favoring his right shoulder.


"Michael may have aggravated that shoulder that Toxxic applied some pressure to earlier in the match, King. He needs to be careful with that, as it can leave openings for his opponent."


"Alexander's fine, Francis. He managed to corner Toxxic and just lit him up with those chops. Sometimes you have to be willing to take a little pain yourself to hurt your opponent."


Alexander doesn't let this stop him for long, however. He goes right back after the Englishman, but Toxxic stops him with a sharp kick to the gut. The Straight-Edger then hauls himself up to the second turnbuckle, and springs at Alexander, going for a European uppercut...but Alexander is out of the way! Toxxic tries to catch himself, and actually does land on his feet, but his weakened leg causes him to stumble slightly. This gives the Evil Genius all the opening he needs snagToxxic's injured leg from behind, lifting it quickly into the crook of his arm and dropping with a backward spin to whip Toxxic to the mat with an inverted dragon screw!


"Toxxic had a brief resurgence there, but Michael put the breaks on it with that inverted dragon screw. This usually leads into something, King..."


"Usually, my foot, Francis...it's leading to it NOW!"


The Evil Genius immediately rolls up and laces Toxxic's legs around his own...but before he can drop back to tie the Gordian Knot, the Straight-Edger uses his arms to push himself up, giving him additional leverage to push with his legs. This sudden and unexpected wrenching causes Alexander to topple...right onto the second rope, as he had positionedToxxic away from the ropes in order to make it more difficult to escape.




"Toxxic with a brilliant counter before Alexander can get the Knot tied! That's why he's champion, King!"


"Damn straight, Francis. If there's one thing Michael Alexander should know after tonight, it's that you can't wrestle Toxxic by rote. That gave Toxxic an opening, and it may be enough to put Alexander away!"


The Mad Scientist slumps on the rope, the force of the guillotine enough to cause him some difficulty breathing. Toxxic gets back to his feet, a little shaky, but smirking once more. Michael slowly makes his way off of the rope, and Toxxic is clearly stalking him. As the Mad Scientist turns around, Toxxic snatches his head into a cravate, then turns him around to allow him to leap up to the top rope and spin around...but Alexander grabs and holds on to the top rope, and his close-shaved head makes it easy forToxxic to lose his grip in the complex maneuver.


"This time it's Michael Alexander with another desperation counter! But he may be just postponing the inevitable, King..."


"Nothing is inevitable, Francis. But at this point, odds are a little shaky for Alexander."


The Englishman falls roughly to the mat, more annoyed than injured, and starts to roll over to get to his feet. Alexander, seizing an opportunity, dives atToxxic, hooking the Straight-Edge Sensation into an Oklahoma roll!


"Alexander with an Oklahoma roll on Toxxic; I think this is a definite sign of desperation, King."


"Desperation...maybe. But the more times you're able to put your opponent's shoulders on the mat, the more you mess with his head..."

















Toxxic's face is painted in various deep shades of disbelief. Brock Samson raises his eyebrow in consternation. Even the fans, knowing and having seen what just happened, are completely silent for several moments. Even Michael Alexander looks a little surprised by the event for a split second before his ego reasserts itself.



"OH...MY...GOD!" Mak coughs out in disbelief. "Michael Alexander just pinned Toxxic...! He's the new champion!"


Even the King's verbosity is somewhat quelled. "He pinned Toxxic...Toxxic...with...an...Oklahoma roll?!"


Even Funyon looks incredulous as he calls out the results. "Ladies and Gentlemen...here is your winner...and NEW SWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION...MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICHAEL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALEXAAAAAAAAAAAAAANDER!" At this announcement, the audience once more finds its voice.




Brock Samson, somewhat reluctantly, raises the hand of a panting Michael Alexander, handing him the SWF World Title belt. Michael Alexander grabs the belt and hoists it high over his head, grinning wickedly at the audience.


"I still am having a hard time believing this, folks," Mak says, breathing heavily. "Michael Alexander, in less than a year in the SWF, has just taken down Toxxic for the biggest prize in the federation. What else can I say?"


"TOXXIC...TOXXIC...an Oklahoma roll?!" King croaks in disbelief.


Toxxic snaps something inaudible at Brock Samson, who just shrugs and holds up three fingers to the Englishman, who fumes to point of nearly bursting into flames. Michael Alexander meanwhile smiles over atToxxic cruelly as he rolls over the top rope and out of the ring. He walks up the ramp, pumping his arm to show off the belt. At the top of the ramp, the Mad Scientist turns once more to the arena andToxxic lifting the title over his head with one hand and raises the other to extend three fingers in sequence, pointing at Toxxic with a devilish grin.


"That's a hell of a way to lead in to the Clusterfuck, King."


"Now those guys have gotten a good look at what they're up against," King finally regains his composure. "A hell of a match here, and whoever wins tonight better be ready...that's all I've got to say."


Michael Alexander turns to leave the stage and buckles the belt around his waist, tapping it. The camera goes into tight focus on the belt as we...



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As the ring is readying for the Clusterfuck, Landon Maddix stands by behind the curtain, going through some last minute instructions with his backstage staff and crew of referees. A small shadow suddenly looms over... well, at least his calf muscle... as a young Japanese girl tugs on the back of his pants to get his attention.


"Huh... oh!"


The girl points to the ring.


"No, no, it's okay... we won't be needing you tonight after all."


The girl folds her arms angrily and marches off, as Landon rolls his eyes and goes back to his conversation.

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We’re back and Funyon is busy telling everyone about the rules of the upcoming Clusterf*ck.


"You know Mak, who here doesn’t know the rules?" King says as he’s bored by Funyon’s spiel.


"There might be people who don’t know that you’re eliminated if you’re thrown over the top rope and both your feet touch the floor." Mak Francis replies defending Funyon’s explanations.


"Oh come on, don’t you think the fans who bought the PPV knows that the winner will get a world title shot at From the Fire?? it’s not like it’s the first time that’s been done" King fires back just as Funyon’s explanations wind down.


"Well now the fans at home didn’t hear them - are you happy now?"


"Yes very much so Mak, very much so" the Suicide King says with a contended smile.


"Ladies and Gentlemen it is now time for the 2008 SWF CLUSTERFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!" Funyon yells, getting the crowd good and hyped for one of the SWF’s most anticipated matches. "Introducing the man who earlier in the night drew NUMBER ONE!!" Funyon pauses as he along with everyone else pauses to see who is coming out.


The lights die down as they do for so many entrances, then all of a sudden 'Scientific Remote Viewing' by Cephalic Carnage kicks on as the strobe lights begin to pulse and smoke bellows out over the stage. The charismatic, enigmatic, psychosomatic MANSON~! steps through the smoke and heads to the ring.


"I’ll bet you Manson is happy to be number one" Mak says


"I’ll take that bet, first of all Manson is never what you’d call "happy" and why would he be happy about having 19 other guys to go through to wi… dang I think you actually made a decent point" King replies, dejected that Mak had a point after all.


The Raging Bull quickly discards his jacket, then rolls into the ring waiting for the first victim.


"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN ENTRANT NUMBER TWO!!" Funyon bellows since he knows he really doesn’t have anything else to do tonight other than announce the winner.


Again the lights die down


"*sigh* it’s like we don’t pay the electric bill or something" King mumbles, annoyed every time his millions and millions of fans are denied a peak at the King.


This time the silence lasts even longer than before… and we all know longer is better right ladies? Then just as the crowd has reached that certain point where any more is too long and any less is premature we get a




A resounding, Kraken waking, ground quaking, chair shaking, rumbling boom that hasn’t been hear since…


"Nemesis?" Mak says in disbelief.


The crowd boos as one of the Sports Entertainment secrets of the SWF’s past walks out through a cloud of green smoke. Nemesis an over 7 foot tall monster dressing in a glowing green skeleton outfit with a pair of horns attached to his forehead. Frankly if he wasn’t over 7 foot tall he’d be laughed out of the arena


But no one laughs, oh no, no one laughs as Nemesis walks towards the ring.




Someone laughed?


Turns out that someone was Manson, laughing not out of enjoyment but out of anticipation of the sheer brutality of what’s about to happen next. As Nemesis steps over the top rope Manson gets up some momentum and drives his shoulder into the big man as he’s still standing with one leg on either side of the top rope. The impact doesn’t seem to faze Nemesis. Neither does a second shoulder tackle, but when Manson goes for a third Nemesis raises his knee so that Manson’s head rams right into it.


"Cracking the coconut!" King quips as Manson stumbles backwards from the impact.


"Manson actually did manage to beat Nemesis, one of the few people to do so if I’m not mistaken" Mak adds.


Nemesis slowly steps over the top rope as Manson shakes off the impact and gets back on his feet. Pacing like a tiger Manson calls upon the power of Mansonosity~! To find a suitable angle of attack. First he fakes another tackle, then when Nemesis puts his knee up again Manson chop blocks the giant’s other leg. The first tackle doesn’t take Nemesis down, neither does another attempt to the side of the knee, but when Manson runs and bounces off both ropes then tackles Nemesis’ knee from behind the monster is felled like a redwood oak.




"The impact of him falling shook the entire ring! Amazing" Mak says.


10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!


"Call the Ambulance," by Busta Rhymes starts up, announcing the appearance of Sir. Marvelous’ bodyguard Tracey Bruner. Bruner steps through the curtains looking as cold and unemotional as ever even as he’s about to enter the biggest match he’s ever been in. At ringside he quickly removes his jacket and fedora and hands it to an attendant before rubbing his hands with anticipation.


"Wow the collective monstrosity in that ring is unbelievable"


"Imagine how surprised Bruner must be, he thought he would be the biggest guy out there and then Nemesis shows up." Mak comments.


"Yeah I bet he’s happy to have a large target, always makes it easier." King replies.


The giant Nemesis grabs Manson around the throat, clutching in for a Choke Slam. When Bruner tries to interfere he gets a hand wrapped around his throat as well as Nemesis lines up for a double choke slam of gigantic proportions.




Not "double choke slam" wham but instead a double clothesline from Manson and Bruner wham as they both break free from the grasp of Nemesis and clothesline him over the top rope, flipping his giant frame to the floor.





Elimination #01 - Nemesis

Eliminated By: Manson & Tracey Bruner

Eliminated: None

Left in the ring: Manson, Tracey Bruner



Nemesis grabs the top rope and pulls himself up on the apron, obviously not happy with the way he was eliminated. Before Nemesis can enter the ring Bruner and MANSON combine for a double boot that knocks Nemesis clear off the apron. Once they’re satisfied that the giant is leaving the arena the two men turn towards each other. Manson cracks his neck with a jerk, Bruner adjusts his sunglasses and then both of them grin with anticipation.


10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!




"Oh god not this shit again" the Suicide King mumbles as he fears V34 of a tired old gimmick coming out.


Out from behind the curtains walks a creature covered in purple fabric, moving in a jerky, robotic fashion.


"Hmmm would you say he’s about five foot ten" King says, perking up a bit when he realizes what version it is.


"I dunno, maybe" Mak says, not totally clear on why the Suicide King brought that up.


Ghost Machine V2.0, for it is obviously v2 not the taller v1 or the much brawnier, smellier v3 walks all the way to the ring without even looking around, then when he sees Bruner and Manson duke in the ring he just stops and watches.


"What’s the? Come on get in the ring" Mak chides.


"Could be a malfunction Mak, why don’t you roll on over there and see if you can reboot him" King quips as Ghost Machine just watches the two men fight instead of getting in the ring.


"He doesn’t want to get in the ring."


"Correction Mak, he doesn’t HAVE to get in the ring, not yet anyway" the Suicide King explains.


Suddenly everyone’s attention is diverted by the Smarktron flickering on and Commissioner Maddix appearing on the screen.


"Greetings fans from all over the world" Maddix starts out "As the man who knows more about the Clusterf*ck than anyone else... you could say I’m the grandmaster of Clusterf*cking"


"He certainly is" Mak mumbles.


"I say we need more action! We need to get the next guy down here so start the countdown!" Maddix dictates before the screen goes black.


When the countdown begins Ghost Machine cautiously slides under the bottom rope, trying his best not to be noticed by Manson and Bruner.


"See he made it in time" the Suicide King explains. "Even with the shorter time between rounds as dictated by Maddix"


10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!




"Oh this is just what we needed" King says as the fans begin to cheer for the multiple world and tag team champion Johnny Dangerous.


Instead of holding back like Ghost Machine did Johnny darts to the ring, slides in under the bottom rope and... finds himself attacked by both Manson and Tracey Bruner while Ghost Machine stays back and keeps out of the action.


Maddix on the screen once again "Oh come on now when I won this match TWICE we had more action than that, let’s have another contestant"


"Oh come on he’s purposely rushing this match to make it harder for the people involved" Mak complains.


"Hey if I can get out of here a bit early I may finally agree with something Maddix said" King replies as he checks his watch.


10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!


And just like that the crowd goes ... numb with the entrance of Aaron Starr!! The newcomer walks out, looking and acting like this is any old match with a steady, consistently average pace. Once he’s at ringside he points without motion to the crowd, then WITH motion removes his jacket, walks up the steps and right into a right hand from Tracey Bruner.


"Welcome to the F*ck!" King says as he laughs.


Bruner grabs Starr by the throat and the arm and hauls him over the top rope into the ring to make him a legal participant and thus a legal victim as well. Manson lands a right hand on Aaron sending him careening towards Bruner who sends Aaron Starr back towards Manson with a right hand of his own.


"I love a good game of "Rookie Ping Pong"" King says as the poor rookie is being roughed up in the ring.


When Aaron is ping pong’ed towards Dangerous he figures he should join in the game and knocks Aaron back with a stiff right shot of his own. Starr is knocked into Ghost Machine who apparently isn’t a games application as he hooks both arms around Starrs waist and throws him over the top rope and to the floor.



Elimination #02 - Aaron Starr

Eliminated By: Ghost Machine V2

Eliminated: None

Left in the ring: Manson, Tracey Bruner, Ghost Machine v2, Johnny Dangerous



"Awwww party pooper" King comments as he tries to suppress a laugh.


The count begins again, this time without an announcement by Maddix but the intervals have apparently been shortened in general.



10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!


The first few notes in "Man in the Box" is enough the bring the crowd alive, Insane Luchador is the first man in the F*ck that the crowd can really get behind. The red and black pyrotechnics are still going off when IL leaps through the sparkling blaze, runs to the ring, slides under the bottom rope and then decides to jump on the back of the biggest man in the fight, Tracey Bruner


IL!! IL!! IL!! IL!! IL!! IL!! IL!!


Insane Luchador ducks under a lariat attempt from Ghost Machine, who walks straight into a Johnny Kick~! That has enough momentum and angle behind it to knock the masked man over the top rope to the floor.





Elimination #03 - Ghost Machine v2

Eliminated By: Johnny Dangerous

Eliminated: Aaron Starr

Left in the ring: Left in the ring: Manson, Tracey Bruner, Johnny Dangerous, Insane Luchador



Ghost Machine slaps the ground in frustration, then looks up as the timer counts down, as if he realized something. Then he sprints down the aisle and through the curtains before the countdown can hit zero.


10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!


Since there are four men fighting in the ring the lights in the arena can’t be dimmed as Unearth’s "Bloodlust of the Human Condition" starts up, a fact that doesn’t seem to bother Arch Griffon as he walks to the ring, tonight is all about business, all about kicking ass.


"Here comes one giant of a man"


"OH yeah Mak unlike Nemesis or Bruner or anything like that right?" King quips.


"Griffon may actually be stronger than either of those guys, maybe we’ll see that proven tonight." Mak says, defending himself.


Manson "MANSON’S UP!", drawing in the power of Mansonosity as the air around him seems to become electrically charged. He clenches his fist, pumps his arm a few times and then goes straight for the biggest man in the ring as he knocks Tracey Bruner down with a thunderious Lariat. Following up on his momentum and fully charged Mansonosity the Raging Bull lariats down Johnny Dangerous and then even chops down the power house Arch Griffon. IL backs off, even he’s not insane enough to take on Mansonosity straight up, but he like the rest is about to become a victim. Manson pumps the fist, then aims at Rickmen with deadly intentions.


"INSANE LUCHADOR DUCKED!!" Mak yells out as IL drops to the canvas while pulling the top rope down.


"Son of a *BEEP* Manson went right over the top" King adds as Manson tumbles over the top rope to the floor and then crashes into the guardrail with enough force to knock that section over.



Elimination #04 - MANSON

Eliminated By: Insane Luchador

Eliminated: Nemesis (Assist)

Left in the ring: Left in the ring: Tracey Bruner, Johnny Dangerous, Insane Luchador, Arch Griffon



With Mansonosity out of the ring Griffon seizes the opportunity to show just how incredibly strong he is by picking Tracey Bruner up like it was nothing and then just slamming him down




Bruner gets up, looks a little impressed then returns the favour by picking Griffon up and slamming the brickhouse of a man himself


WHAM v2!!


10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!






silver sparks fly everywhere as "Defy You" fills the arena…


You may push me around,

But you can not win.

You may throw me down,

But I’ll rise again.


… only seconds before Austin Sly steps out from behind the curtain and out onto stage. Sly doesn’t seem to be in any great hurry to get to the ring, perhaps hoping that there may be one or two of his opponents will be gone by the time he gets to the ring


Maddix-Tron: "You know what? Another person in the ring can’t hurt, I should know I’m the ultimate clusterf*cker around here. Start the countdown"



10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!


"Man we’re just zipping through them tonight" Mak says


"Makes for an exciting match though" King comments.


The next person to step into the ring is not actually a competitor but Alison Onita who as usual comes out to introduce her man


"I have a public service announcement to make to every single wrestler in that ring and every single guy getting ready to come to the right tonight. Mr. Tom Flesher would like you all to bend over backwards and kiss it goodbye because tonight he will once again demonstrate why he is the Superior One!!" Alison says.


Flesher steps through the curtains, towel over his shoulders looking like he’s already been in action once.


"Hmmm he looks sweaty" Mak notices.


"Yeah it’s called warming up, all good wrestlers do it" the Suicide King snaps back, then adds "Oh I guess you wouldn’t know anything about it then"


Flesher seems to have some sort of grudge against Johnny Dangerous as he grabs him from outside the ring, then drops down and guillotines Dangerous’ throat on the top rope. Since he hasn’t been in the ring yet Flesher isn’t eliminated by touching the floor and knows this all too well. The Superior One quickly gets up on the apron once more, grabs Dangerous and hooks him in a suplex position. Moments later Flesher manages to Suplex Johnny out of the ring to the floor, all without entering the ring once.



Elimination #05 - Johnny Dangerous

Eliminated By: Tom Flesher

Eliminated: Ghost Machine v2

Left in the ring: Left in the ring: Tracey Bruner, Insane Luchador, Arch Griffon, Austin Sly, Tom Flesher



Flesher just manages to step inside the ring when the countdown starts once again, by now the crowd has gotten so confused over the intervals that they’ve given up on counting along and just focus on the action in the ring.


10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!


The fast paced techno music accompanied by red and pink lights can only mean that the first of the Revolution Zero members is coming to the ring. The Fabulous Jakey’s reaction is less than favourable, but if Jakey cared about such things he’d probably have been a face. Jakey removes his trenchcoat without the usual fanfare and throws it over his shoulder before sliding under the bottom rope into the ring


"We’ve got Revolution Zero together in the ring" King says, perking up as the proverbial business is about to pick up.


Sly and Jakey knocks Griffon back into a corner with a double drop kick as the unlikely duo of Flesher and Luchador tries to take out Bruner, only to see Flesher back off and let Bruner clobber IL with a gigantic clothesline.


10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!


Rush’s "Force Ten" tells everyone EXACTLY who’s coming to the ring and it’s not making the fans very happy at all.


Tough times demand tough talk

demand tough hearts demand tough songs



Pretzler stops half way down the aisle, hands on hips he just observes the action in the ring for a moment, as if he’s judging it to see if it lives up to HIS standards. After watching for a moment or two he simply shakes his head in disbelief and heads to the ring to show everyone how it’s really done


We can rise and fall like empires

Flow in and out like the tide

Be vain and smart, humble and dumb

We can hit and miss like pride… just like pride.


In the background we see Pretzler entering the ring as Revolution Zero keep trying to get the better of Griffon. Griffon picks up Austin Sly and runs to the ropes, ready to toss him over, but Sly manages to catch the top rope and cling on to it trying to pull Arch over with him. If it had just been Sly on his own he’d probably not have much of a chance of getting the power house out that way but when he’s aided by his Revolution Zero partner Jakey the job gets easier. Sly keeps pulling with Jakey reaches down and grabs Griffon’s trunk like legs and together they manage to flip him over the top to the floor. Jakey even makes an effort to pull Sly through the ropes so that he’s not accidentally eliminated.


"Teamwork, very rare in the Clusterf*ck" King says with approval.



Elimination #06 - Arch Griffon

Eliminated By: the Fabulous Jakey and Austin Sly

Eliminated: None

Left in the ring: Left in the ring: Tracey Bruner, Insane Luchador, Austin Sly, Tom Flesher, Fabulous Jakey, Scott Pretzler



10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!


The Smarktron goes to black, only to have the black shattered into red filtered clips of violence, leading which send the fans into a frenzy




"Oh man this is about to turn violent" Mak says with excitement as "Winds of Creation" kicks in.


"So it wasn’t violent enough for you already? What do you want? Someone to break their neck and end up in a wheelchair?" King shoots back.


The big man steps through the smoke, pauses for a second to appreciate the fans reaction to one of the biggest faces booked for this match. Then he runs to the ring, quickly walks up the steps and clobbers the Austin Sly before he’s even in the ring. Once he’s in the ring there are right hands for IL, Flesher, Jakey and Pretzler. Everyone else backs off and just watches for a moment as Dace Night and Tracey Bruner come face to face, eye to... sunglass.


"King Kong Vs Godzilla" Mak says, geeking out a little.


Forearm by Bruner!


Forearm by Dace Night!!


Another forearm by Bruner!


One by Dace Night!


Moments later the exchange degenerates into a flurry of lefts and rights as the two monsters tangle in the ropes. A couple of moments into the match Dace lands a decisive blow as his right hand shatters Bruner’s shades, cutting the big man under the eye. After staggering Bruner Dace take a step back and then




Clotheslines the bigger man right out of the ring to a huge pop from the crowd.





Elimination #07 - Tracey Bruner

Eliminated By: Dace Night

Eliminated: Nemesis

Left in the ring: Left in the ring: Insane Luchador, Austin Sly, Tom Flesher, Fabulous Jakey, Scott Pretzler, Dace Night



10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!


The unmistakable sound of Skynyrd is heard next as...


So, dont ask me no questions

And I wont tell you no lies

So, dont ask me about my business

And I wont tell you goodbye


"What? No way Maddix let this guy return" Mak says in dismay.


"A former Hardcore Gamers and International champion? Maddix is smart, Blank is good for business" the King lectures.


The crowd still remembers the former selfproclaimed "Ultraviolent Champion" and boos as Bruce Blank walks, he looks to be 15 pounds heavier and if possible even dirtier than last time we saw him. Blank seems more interested in the six pack he’s carrying to the ring than what the fans think of him. Once he’s stepped through Bruce crunches the can he just emptied and throws it at Dace Night to get his attention. Bruce follows up by smashing another can of beer in Dace’s face, causing it to explode in a shower of beer on impact. Only momentarily staggered Dace counters with a vicious fist aimed at Bruce’s left eye.


"OOOOOOOOOOOH it’s on now!" Mak says, as the two powerhouses begin to slug it out with lefts and rights.


Flesher quickly slides out under the bottom rope and sits on the apron near one of the ringposts while the seven other men fight it out. Bruce whips Dace into the ropes and then takes him down with a giant shoulder block, followed by two elbow drops. When Sly gets in his way Bruce is distracted long enough to get booted in the face by Dace followed by a vicious whip into the corner followed only a split second later by a bone crunching clothesline from the tag team champion.


10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!


More smoke billows out from under the curtains, this time accompanied by the remix version of "No Many"



It's ain't good.. it ain't good... it ain't good 'cos you'll get jumped in my hood!


"It’s the other half of the tag team champions, man if these two can work together I don’t know who’d be able to stop them tonight!" Mak gushes as Va’aiga comes out throwing the BOO-YAH! Combination left and right.


When Va’aiga sees Dace and Bruce brawling in the corner he smiles, steps through the ropes and decides to join in by clobbering Bruce from behind with a double axe handle blow. The two men double up and press Bruce over their heads with a gorilla press before throwing Bruce over in the corner where Flesher is hiding out. The impact knocks Flesher off the apron to the floor but since he didn’t go over the top rope he’s not eliminated.


"Always thinking, always figuring out the easiest way to defeat an opponent" King comments before Mak can talk trash.


The Violence Distribution Network then turn their attention towards Revolution Zero, the much, much, much smaller Austin Sly and Fabulous Jakey.


10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!


P.O.D.'s version of "Booyaka 619" starts to play but since there are no lyrics fans aren’t expecting the former WWE Champion to leap through the fireworks. Instead Christian Fury... doesn’t leap through the fireworks but waits until they’ve all gone off.


"Christian Fury... he’s got a good, late entry in the match" Mak says


"Yeah he might actually win it" King replies




"Nah!" King quips.


Luchador catches his old enemy Bruce Blank with his trademark Evenflow DDT and then climbs the ropes.


"I wouldn’t do that" Mak cautions


"You’re saying only a crazy man would climb the ropes in this match?"




"Well then Rickmen is the guy to do it." King replies


Insane Luchador perches himself on the top rope but before he can fly Va’aiga bounces off the ropes on the opposite side of the ring with enough force to knock IL off the top rope, sending him crashing into the guardrail chest first without any chance of protecting himself.





Elimination #08 - Insane Luchador

Eliminated By: Va’aiga

Eliminated: MANSON~!

Left in the ring: Left in the ring: Austin Sly, Tom Flesher, Fabulous Jakey, Scott Pretzler, Dace Night, Bruce Blank, Va’aiga, Christian Fury



"An unintentional elimination by Va’aiga" Mak comments "Not that he’s unhappy about it" he then quickly adds.



10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!






"It’s the Red Dragon!" Mak says as Nathaniel Kibagami walks out with his traditional pre-match cigarette and beer handy. "Let’s go" plays as Kibagami finishes his beer, then squashes his cigarette on the ringpost. The fact that he’s about to enter the ring with 8 other people doesn’t seem to put him off in the least, in fact he seems to look forward to it.


Maddix appears once again "Alright one last time, hit the countdown, we’ve got a winner to crown"


10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!



Elimination #09 - Christian Fury

Eliminated By: Nathaniel Kibagami

Eliminated: None

Left in the ring: Left in the ring: Austin Sly, Tom Flesher, Fabulous Jakey, Scott Pretzler, Dace Night, Bruce Blank, Va’aiga, Nathaniel Kibagami



"Welcome to the Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance begins to play, much to the bewilderment of everyone in the crowd. Their confusion isn’t lessened when a 5’7’’ man dressed in mainly black from his boots to his masked face steps out through the curtains.


It’s not until the Smarktron very helpfully flashes "El Hombre Sin Nombre" that a few people actually realize who this guy is.


"Is he the guy Maddix just signed?" King asks.


"I dunno I didn’t get his name" Mak replies


"He doesn’t have one" King states and then adds a soto voche "dumbass"


The Luchador El Hombre Sin Nombre, for that’s indeed who this is quickly discards his cape, races to the ring, leaps up on the apron and then springboards off the top rope into the ring taking Austin Sly down with a cross body block.


"The kid can fly" Mak says


"Yeah out of the ring, I mean what is he? 160?" King sneers, not giving the rookie a chance.


When El Hombre Sin Nombre gets up he also shows that he can hurt as Nathaniel Kibagami catches him by the shirt and then pops him three times with a stiff forearm shot to the jaw.


BAM! - BAM! - BAM!


"The old man is teaching the rookie about pain"


VDN double team Jakey, tackling him down with a double shoulder block, then they flip Austin Sly 360 degrees in the air with a double clothesline.


10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!


"Leaning to Fly" begins to play as a spotlight shines on Jay Hawke making his way to the ring.


"Man coming in this late in the match really makes Hawke one of the favourites" Mak comments.


"Hawke has had world champion potential written all over him for years now, maybe tonight he takes the next step towards reaching that potential" King adds.


"Wow King that was very insightful, I didn’t expect that from you"


"Oh shut up" King simply says.


As Jay Hawke heads to the ring he has to scramble to get out of the way of two bodies flying out of the ring.


THUD! Jakey is tossed out by Dace Night


THUD! Sly lands on the floor only a split second later courtesy of Va’aiga.



Elimination #10 - the Fabulous Jakey

Eliminated By: Dace Night

Eliminated: Arch Griffon

Left in the ring: Left in the ring: Tom Flesher, Scott Pretzler, Dace Night, Bruce Blank, Va’aiga, Nathaniel Kibagami, El Hombre Sin Nombre, Jay Hawke


Elimination #10 - Austin Sly

Eliminated By: Va’aiga

Eliminated: Arch Griffon

Left in the ring: Left in the ring: Tom Flesher, Scott Pretzler, Dace Night, Bruce Blank, Va’aiga, Nathaniel Kibagami, El Hombre Sin Nombre, Jay Hawke



Hawke can’t help but smile, two less people to worry about now, although there are still plenty of people in the ring to worry about, big people, mean people, sneaky people... and one clueless rookie. Hawke notices the countdown kicking in and quickly rolls into the ring


10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!


The lights begin to flicker around the arena as the violent guitar riffs and the blaring trumpets of Emmure’s "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong" blast through the PA system.




The horrifying shriek of a laugh from lead singer Frank Palmieri sends a shiver down the spines of everyone in attendance.


I hope this is a passing phase.

There is no future where I stand,

Here with you!


The lights on the stage begin to flicker on and off. The audience begins to stomp their feet and clap their hands as they await The New Straight Edge Sensation. A small, but audible "Spike…Spike…Spike" chant breaks out inside the arena.


This Is…






…The End!


Spike unzips the sweatshirt as he walks through the curtains, then tosses it into the crowd before he climbs the stairs and jumps into the match.


"We’re at full capacity King one of these nine people will win this year’s Clusterf*ck"


Flesher is keeping Kibagami under control with a front facelock, doing his best to keep the old dog from landing any strikes. Kibagami summons up his considerable strength, wraps his arms around Flesher’s waist and lifts "the Superior One" up in the air. With a twist of the body he deposits Flesher on the apron but Flesher still has the front facelock hooked on, keeping Kibagami under control. With considerable effort Flesher drags Kibagami over the top rope with him, flicking his grip at the last moment to make the Red Dragon tumble off the apron to the ground




Flesher wisely steps through the ropes before Kibagami can recover his bearings enough to attack Flesher again.



Elimination #12 - Nathaniel Kibagami

Eliminated By: Tom Flesher

Eliminated: Christian Fury

Left in the ring: Left in the ring: Tom Flesher, Scott Pretzler, Dace Night, Bruce Blank, Va’aiga, El Hombre Sin Nombre, Jay Hawke, Spike Jenkins



Va’aiga and Dace each grab one of Bruce’s hands, then they whip the blood soaked redneck into the corner with so much force that he flips up and lays across the top turnbuckle, all it takes now is a well placed push to get the big man out




A push that Spike Jenkins, ever the opportunist, is happy to supply as he shoulder tackles Bruce off the top rope, sending him tumbling off the apron and to the floor like a rag doll.





Elimination #13 - Bruce Blank

Eliminated By: "Hollywood" Spike Jenkins

Eliminated: None

Left in the ring: Left in the ring: Tom Flesher, Scott Pretzler, Dace Night, Va’aiga, El Hombre Sin Nombre, Jay Hawke, Spike Jenkins



Spike smiles, eliminating an opponent is always good, eliminating one as big as Blank and well frankly as annoying as Blank is just an added bonus. Having turned their attention away from Blank the VDNs split up with Va’aiga having trapped the Critic in the corner and Dace Night trying to get a handle on the extremely fast El Hombre. The masked man bounces off the ropes, then slides under Dace’s legs to avoid being smashed like a bug.


"The tag team champions area really dominating the ring at this point" Mak says.


While Va’aiga and Dace dominate Flesher prefers to skulk around the ring, waiting, picking his moments. One moment comes when Jay Hawke loses sight of the Superior One and allows Flesher to come up behind him and lock his arms around Hawke’s waist. One quick toss over the top rope and Hawke’s championship dreams are dashed.



Elimination #14 - Jay Hawke

Eliminated By: Tom Flesher

Eliminated: None

Left in the ring: Left in the ring: Tom Flesher, Scott Pretzler, Dace Night, Va’aiga, El Hombre Sin Nombre, Spike Jenkins



The old saying goes "Misery loves company", which in this case must mean that Jay Hawke loves Scott Pretzler as he joins him on the floor only seconds later after being gorilla pressed out of the ring by Va’aiga.







Elimination #15 - Scott Pretzler

Eliminated By: Va’aiga

Eliminated: None

Left in the ring: Left in the ring: Tom Flesher, Dace Night, Va’aiga, El Hombre Sin Nombre, Spike Jenkins



"King what would happen if Va’aiga and Dace both pin the third guy at the same time?" Mak ponders


"I... I don’t know, coin flip?"


"I’m not sure Maddix would tell either of these guys that he really didn’t win" Mak adds.




Dace is still trying to catch El Hombre who’ve done an excellent job of playing "Keep-away" with himself as the object. Hombre ducks under one of Dace’s massive arms, leaps up on the top rope, springboards back and manages to lock his legs around Dace’s neck for a Huracanrana


But that’s where it stops


"DACE BLOCKED IT!!" Mak yells out as Dace Night’s brute power caught the Luchador dead in his track


"Bye, bye little unknown bug" King just adds.


El Hombre punches Dace in the head a few times but to no avail, he’s just not strong enough to hurt Dace Night. Spike eyes an opportunity and drop kicks Night in the back. The big man staggers forward with El Hombre still trying to pull off the Huracanrana. The second Dace hits the ropes Flesher pulls the top rope down.


El Hombre sin Nombre and Dace Night both tumble half way over the top rope, then Flesher and Spike lift Dace’s legs over the top making the big man tumble to the floor while El Hombre somehow manages to hold on to the top rope and stay in the match.





Elimination #16 - Dace Night

Eliminated By: Spike Jenkins, Tom Flesher, El Hombre Sin Nombre

Eliminated: Tracey Bruner, the Fabulous Jakey

Left in the ring: Left in the ring: Tom Flesher, Va’aiga, El Hombre Sin Nombre, Spike Jenkins



"It took all three of them to eliminate Dace Night!" Mak comments.


"Yeah but eliminated he is, no double VDN victory tonight" King says encouraged by the action in the ring.


Flesher says something to El Hombre, encouraging to do something as he motions at Dace Night on the floor. After a moment El Hombre takes the encouragement, runs at the side where Dace Night is and then DIVES OVER THE TOP ROPE ONTO DACE NIGHT!!!


"He just eliminated himself! Flesher you are a genius" the Suicide King says as Flesher laughs over having tricked the rookie.


Before Flesher can turn his attention back to the other two men in the ring he’s flung over the top rope, to the floor by both Spike and Va’aiga.


"That’s alright Mak, he’s one of the last three, he’s not eliminated." King says


Flesher seems to think the same but a referee blocks him from returning to the match, then points at El Hombre who’s still in Dace’s arms. It seems that the big man caught El Hombre, then rammed him back first against the ringpost but never dropped him.


"EL HOMBRE SIN NOMBRE NEVER TOUCHED THE FLOOR!! He’s still in the match! Flesher is the one eliminated" Mak says, jumping all over any announcement Funyon might have made.



Elimination #17 - Tom Flesher

Eliminated By: Spike Jenkins, Va’aiga

Eliminated: Aaron Starr (unofficially), Johnny Dangerous, Nathaniel Kibagami, Jay Hawke, Dace Night (Assist)

Left in the ring: Left in the Va’aiga, El Hombre Sin Nombre, Spike Jenkins



"No way!" King says in disbelief as Flesher is forced to leave the ring. "No way it’s come down to Spike, the fatass or some guy in his FIRST MATCH?"


"In the SWF anything can happen" Mak replies.


Dace rolls El Hombre into the ring, the Mexican doesn’t seem to have taken well to being rammed into the ringpost 3 times. Spike looks at Va’aiga, then he looks at the masked man on the ground. When Va’aiga turns to say something to Dace Night Spike jumps into action grabbing El Hombre Sin Nombre and dragging him off the ground.


"Spike could go for a quick win with Va’aiga distracted" Mak realizes.


"Well you can say about about Va’aiga, and I have, but he’s not the brightest man.


Just as Jenkins hooks the Mexican rookie for a suplex Va’aiga realizes what’s going on. He runs into the ropes, bounces back doing his best "unstoppable force" imitation as he targets both of his opponents. Spike lifts El Hombre in the air only a split second before both of them are clobbered by the OH MY GOD YOU JUST KILLED KENNY, SPENNY, LENNY AND BENNY, NOW YOU’RE GOING TO DISNEYLAND LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARIAAAAAAATOOOOOOOO!!!!!


"Holy crap! He took them both out!" Mak yelps as Va’aiga crashes into both men with so much force even the guy in the last row felt it.


"NO ONE and I mean NO ONE is going to get up from this, ladies and gentlemen let me make a bold prediction: this match is over!" King exclaims.


The Mighty Maori has both men covered as the referee goes down to count.



"COUNT!" Mak yells when the referee hesitates.


Va’aiga looks at the referee and his murderous intentions are clearly written across his face. The referee tries to save his own hide by pointing out the fact that the impact knocked everyone so close to the ropes that Va’aiga is half way under the bottom rope. The angry Samoa gets up, grabs the referee and starts to inform him that he shouldn’t be such a stickler for the rules.








*DING!!* DING!!* DING!!* DING!!*


"What the hell?" King blurts out as the bell rings.


Va’aiga whips around and stares at the two men on the canvas, neither of them have moved since he hit them with the lariat but one of them was laying half way on top of the other one. Then he stares at the other referee that counted to three behind his back


"Oh don’t tell me, you’re not saying that… " Mak can’t complete the sentence, it’s unthinkable.


The referee that counted to three bends over, grabs and arm and raises the winner of the Clusterf*ck in the air.


"Ladies and gentlemen" Funyon starts, sounding totally dumbfounded "Apparently the winner of the Clusterf*ck 2008" Funyon pauses again to make sure he’s understood it correctly





Winner - El Hombre Sin Nombre

Eliminated: Dace Night (assist)

Left in the ring: N/A



For a moment everything is silent, this is not what the fans expected, hell this guy didn’t even work for the company when they all entered the building. Va’aiga paces back and forth a bit like an angry bull, then as he realizes that the match is over, his opportunity is lost he goes over and stands over his victims.


"Neither Spike nor El Hombre have moved since Va’aiga hit the lariat" Mak states, because he likes to state the obvious.


"Maybe this masked roach is scared of the big man, maybe he’s playing possum" Suicide King says, hoping that Va’aiga will take his frustrations out on the Mexican rookie.


Va’aiga doesn’t attack though, instead he reaches down and grabs El Hombre’s arm and pulls him to his feet. The Samoa has to support the still dazed Luchador but slowly brings him around by talking to him and slapping his cheeks a bit. When El Hombre is finally back on his feet Va’aiga lets go of him, then shrugs knowing that it won’t be the last opportunity for him and leaves the ring.


"I… this is amazing, it’s like… " Mak starts to gush as he realizes that a true rookie has won the Clusterf*ck in his first match.


"This is a disgrace! What did he do? He scuttered around like a roach trying to avoid being stepped on. He didn’t even beat Spike! Va’aiga beat Spike!" King barks annoyed with the whole situation.


The referees explain to El Hombre sin Nombre what happened, at first he doesn’t believe it but as the crowd applause and cheers slowly increases he looks awestruck by the whole thing. After a few seconds El Hombre climbs up on the second turnbuckle and slowly raises both fists in the air as the crowd shows their appreciation for a man no one gave a chance at the beginning of the match.


"That’s it, I need to get drunk" King says as the throws his headset down and walks off.


"This is amazing, a Cinderella story but with power bombs" Mak exclaims as he goes into "Overhype" from the surprise ending.


After soaking up the budding appreciation from the crowd for a while El Hombre drops down and rolls out under the bottom rope right next to where Mak Francis is seated. Mak quickly drives his wheelchair over to get a few words from the 2008 F*cker!


"El Hombre, El Hombre you won!!" Mak gushes


"I can’t believe it!" Hombre yells trying his best not to break down and cry in front of everyone.


"Now that you’ve won you get a world title shot at the next show" Mak explains. The comment about the world title shot is like a slap on the face of El Hombre who apparently did not realize the stakes tonight. "Is there anything you’d like to say as you get ready to face the SWF World Heavyweight Champion?"


"I’m going to die!" El Hombre nervously blurts out, not really prepared for such a challenge yet.


"Well there you have it fans, in the immortal words of El Hombre Sin Nombre "I’m going to From the Fire", this is Mak Francis and the Suicide King was here as well, goodnight everyone." Mak says with a big smile plastered on his face.


Fade out

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