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The Ill One

SWF.com Exclusive- Hell Freezes Over Hype II

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Hardy grumbles with Gus about his recent workload until the Ill One, Andrew Rickmen, suddenly turns the corner, taking him off guard. He steps besides Hardy and slaps him on his shoulder, causing him to horribly flinch, and causing Luchador to psychotically laugh as Hardy does his thing.


“I am with the one and only Insane Luchador, Andrew Rickmen, once again and IL, I have to ask- did you see Alexander’s response to our first interview?” Hardy excitedly asks to Luchador’s nonchalant laugh.


“Yeah, I saw it, I saw it and that was simply a terrific waste of oxygen. Because he tried to play an adorable game that he can’t play or, at the very least, a game that he shouldn’t be playing with IL.”


“Bloody knuckles?”


“Cute,” IL grunts and it changes Hardy’s happy demeanor, now being serious, causing him to apologize, but Luchador only dismisses it.


“So what game is that then, IL?”


“Do you want to play the ‘name game’ now, Mikey? You want to spew out the names of the superstars that you’ve made tap to impress me? You want to illustrate to the Ill One just how successful you’ve been and expect it to make me nervous? Please. Don’t embarrass yourself, you’re not a stupid guy, on the contrary, you actually seem pretty damn smart. He’s an intelligent guy, right, Hardy?”


“Right, he has an MA in History,” Hardy replies.


“Not smart enough to back down,” IL mumbles. “So an MA in History? Precious.”


“Yeah, so he is very smart both inside the ring and outside,” Hardy says. “Does that worry you knowing that he might…”


Luchador cuts him off, not even letting Hardy finish the question, and he muses, “History… history… history, heh. See, I ain’t never done get me a good eda-muh-cation…”


“Too busy wrestling?” Hardy asks to Luchador’s relaxed shrug.


“Okay, Alexander, I have to admit that history has always interested me. I mean you can’t move forward in the future without knowing where you came from, without remembering what has happened in the past.”


“That’s true.”


“Yeah, I know it’s true, that’s why I said it…” IL testily replies before calming down. “So, Michael, how about a lil’ review before our ‘exam,’ does that sound like fun? Doesn’t that sound just simply riveting? I do. So we’re going to, so take out your notepad, sharpen your lil’ number two pencil, and listen up, kid… we’ll start with ancient history. You know what ancient history is Ben, yeah?”




“I mean you were a part of ancient history… granted really, really ancient history so you can fill him in on the ‘good ol’ days’ some other time, okay? Okay. But let’s begin with some ancient history, let’s trace some roots of the Ill One, why don’t we see what kind of names I can drop, why don’t we see why I know that Alexander isn’t ready for me. Why don’t we see how I know… how I know that he’s more delusional than me if he feels prepared, if he feels confident, if he even feels like showing up is a viable option. Don’t get me wrong, Alexander, I want you to- I want a good fight, I want to rip you to shreds, I want to prove that without a doubt that I am the worthy World Heavyweight Champion, god damn it. But where was I?”


“Ancient history,” Hardy briefly reminds him.


“Right, sorry, I digress… so this ancient history might not span what you’re used to in the history books, Mikey, but it’s a nice chunk of time- we’ll say it covers seven, nearly eight years.” IL glances down at a nasty scab on his elbow, snatches it, and rips it off to Hardy’s shiver.


He dips his fingers in the blood and turns back to the wide, running his finger against it, and smearing the blood against the wall. He cocks his head to the side, as if examining art, and he dabbles in the blood once again, this time drawing ‘IL’ on the white wall. He simply grins, while Hardy nearly gags, and turns back around.


“Primitive, right?” IL laughs. “So maybe that isn’t far back enough to examine finger paintings for history but I have to say that it feels that long and that, really, when I choose to be that I can be just as brutally primitive as any cave dweller. Now stick with me, Hardy, I feel you strayin’ away here…”


“Okay,” Hardy softly says, watching the blood trickle down Luchador’s forearm.


“See, he may have defeated Toxxic, something I haven’t ever done so just a Cracker Jack job there, but he’s oblivious to ancient history. Do you remember a guy named Grimedogg? Probably not but he was hardcore and I beat him, I beat him at what, at the time, was his own game with a balconysault through a table. How about a guy named Erek Taylor? Probably not but he was cccaaa-rrraazzzyyy but in a different sense, either way I beat him too- with yet another balconysault. How about Dace Night? You know Dace Night and what he’s capable of and I beat him- with a Balconysault onto a Ford in the Motor City Rumble. Don’t get me wrong, Mikey, it doesn’t take an extreme move for me to win- it’s just a preference. So I’ll dull it down a little bit for you… How about Aecas? Maybe, maybe not but he was one bad motherfucker and I beat him. Let’s fast forward a little bit more, okay? How about somebody more like you, okay, how about Charlie Matthews? Yeah, one of the best to come through this federation and I beat him.”


“Certainly impressive, IL, but that was…”


“A long time ago, Hardy?” IL asks before laughing. “I know... I know that that’s the bitch of ancient history, that was all in the past. So how about a little bit more modern, hm? Something a little more recent, okay? How about S.I.N., Va’aiga, Jakey? You’re aware of all of them and I beat them, all in some form of hardcore match or another. How about MANSON, obviously you know your own tag partner and guess what?” IL taunts and holds up his hands with a shrug. “Beat him. Please don’t feel flattered, Alexander, the ‘Event Horizon’ was just a point that there’s nothing special to your move set, there’s nothing special to you.”


“Besides being the World Champion,” Hardy corrects.


“Only reason I give a damn about him,” Luchador admits. “Notice a pattern, an emerging trend, Alexander? I beat them and in most cases, in a hardcore match… a lot like the one we’re going to have. So now you have to ask yourself, Mikey, are you better than all of them? Do you really think that you’re that much better than every single one of them? I think you’ll answer that you do…”


“He is quite confident.”


“Cocky, Hardy, cocky. But underneath all of that unwarranted poise I think that you’ll really wonder, Alexander, am I better than them? Am I truly better than every single one of them? That seed of doubt, Mikey, that seed of doubt that’s been planted isn’t some lil’ Luchador mind trick, it’s legitimate. That self-doubt, the worry, the insecurity that’s seeping into you about when we collide at Hell Freezes Over is how I know that you’re a smart guy. And you are, Alexander, so think, actually ask yourself- am I better than every single one of them? Am I better than every single one of them, especially in my specialty? Am I good enough to handle, let alone, beat what’s coming for me at Hell Freezes Over? Because I don’t think you are, Alexander, and I know that you don’t even know what’s coming at you at Hell Freezes Over.” IL simply turns around and walks away, leaving Hardy temporarily speechless.


“Insane Luchador has reminded what he has endured to get to this point and has asked Alexander if he has what it takes to undermine all of that, now whether the Champion has an answer for that will be seen at Hell Freezes Over. This is Ben Hardy in an SWF.com exclusive!”


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Damn it! I knew that name-dropping thing was going to bite me in the hind-end. I'll have to take a different tack for the next one...


Another fun promo, btw. Poor Ben Hardy...he's the only promo host that seems to get ambushed by his guests...

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