HD: Miss Nerdly 2008!

[King Cucaracha 0]

COLE
Okay folks, settle yourselves in. It's time to crown Miss Nerdly 2008! Let's send it up to the one and only Alix Maria Spezia!


Into the ring we go, to find Alix front and centre with five nervous contestants behind her. Well, not really nervous. Disinterested is maybe too far in the other direction. They're there, that's the point. I won't tell you who they are though. That's for later. At ringside sits the judges table. I won't tell you who's there either. Just keep reading!

ALIX
Hi, my name is Alix Maria Spezia and welcome to the 2008 Miss Nerdly 2008!

"YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

ALIX
When the OAOAST top level type people asked me "Hey, Alix, how'd you like to be the Master Of Ceremonies for the Miss Nerdly 2008 pageant". And I told 'em straight up, "no frikkin' way!" My name is Alix Maria Spezia, and I am the Grand Pubah for the Miss Nerdly 2008 pageant. Grand Pubah of course being two times as important as being MC. It also entitles me to half the prize money.

The Nerdlys seem collectively surprised that there's even any prize money on offer.

ALIX
What would a competition be without a judging panel? It'd be old news. Ya gotta have judges, just incase the acts all have no personality and are boring. Then that way you can save the series by having Piers Morgan and David Hasselhoff arguing a bunch. So, allow me to introduce the carefully selected judging panel. Amazingly, all plucked from my dressing room at a moment notice. Coincidence? No. Convenient? Yes. First up, with all the wit, charm and cruel one-line insults showing a deep rooted incompassion for the human race of Simon Cowell, she hates everybody on principle, even the reflection in the mirror, ladies and more ladies who I can't tell apart, KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN!!

"YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

Krista folds her arms and looks mean, ala Simon. No product placement like American Idol, Krista's drink cup is unmarked. Possibly because it's not a cup and is instead a martini glass.

ALIX
JUST FUCKING MARRY ME ALREADY! Next to her, with all streetwise sassiness of Paula Abdul, MAYA BLANCHARD DUNCAN!!

"YYYYYAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!"

Maya waves to the crowd, excited to be here. She reaches out for a sip of Krista's drink hoping she'll get away with it. She thinks wrong.

ALIX
Third on our panel, with all the credence of being a cool black guy on TV of Randy, JADE RODEZ-DUNCAN!!

"YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"

Strange intro aside, Jade waves anyway, her Women's Title resting on the table in front of her.

ALIX
And finally, possessing all the douchebaggery of Ryan Seacrest, TERRY TAYLOR!

ALIX
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Terry waves even if he's not popular.

ALIX
Alright, let's introduce our contestants! We have...

Alix looks up and down the line-up, then back at her cards.

ALIX
...uhmuh...

Alix looks up and down the line again, then the cards again. Realising she's in trouble Alix nervously shuffles her cards, before realising the further trouble she's placed herself in.

ALIX
Introducing, with the blonde hair, M. Nerdly number one! With the black hair, blonde M. Nerdly number two! Blonde M. Nerdly number three! Everybody's favourite, Blonde M. Nerdly number four!

Maggie, Molly, Melody and Melissa, in that order, are pointed at and discuss between them the idiocy of anyone unable to tell them apart.

ALIX
And finally, with a ball and gag in her mouth, Malaysia Nerdly!

MALAYSIA
Mmff.

ALIX
Word of warning, if you even THINK about tying me up and molesting me like you did to Krissy last week... then that's cool with me. But if you tie me up too tight and cut off my circulation... well, I guess that's cool too. But if you so much as look at any of these other girls while you're doing it, I swear to goodness I will hunt you down and extract your heart with a rusty corkscrew. I don't care if they are your sisters, when it comes to the bedroom it's all eyes on moi. Kapeesh? Okay, it says here on this card that it's time to announce the winner. It's been a tough contest, full of emotional highs and lows and tremendous performances. You've all been great contestants but... uhm...

Trailing off, Alix's attention is taken by SOMETHING SHINY! She looks over to the judges table, where Jade Rodez-Duncan has enough knowledge of her would-be family member to know that holding a sheet of foil against the light is the best way to catch Alix's eye. Jade helpfully tells Alix she's got the cards mixed up and order is eventually restored.

ALIX
Hi, my name is Alix Maria Spezia and... hey, this sounds awful familiar.

MELISSA
That's because you've already read that card, you airhead.

ALIX
No, I know that, I meant it sounds awful familiar because of my many years spent in and out of rehabilitation facilities. Silly boots. You know, back before it was cool I was blazing, amongst other things, that rehab trail. Now there's like a three year waiting list. Five in Hollywood! That's why I've started smoking crack again. Now, this next card says you guys should introduce yourselves and tell us why you want to win the title of Miss Nerdly 2008. I wish I'd seen this card before trying to figure out which of you is which. Please don't consider me racist, but you white Edmonton girls all look the same to me. First off, you.

Stepping forward, Maggie Nerdly doesn't let the fact that someone she considered quite a close acquaintance is referring to her as 'you' bother her.

MAGGIE
Sup guys, the name's Maggie Nerdly, the game's partying hard and partying heavy. And I wanna be Miss Nerdly to show that we're not all sad sacks, some of us really do RAWK!

MOLLY
I'm Molly and I just hope the artistic integrity of this competition prevails. Also, now I know there's prize money, I want to win.

MELODY
Melody Nerdly, regining NerdlyThon 2008 Gaming Champion. If I win I'm gonna change my Facebook status and my MSN display message to display my victory and not change it at all for one year. I am willing to make that sacrifice, that's how much this means to me.

MELISSA
My name is Melissa Nerdly and I want... no, I [i]have[/i] to win because, let's face it, I'm the only one in the family with any class whatsoever.

MALAYSIA
Mmff.

Cut to Alix, wiping away tears.

ALIX
I never was able to express my love for this planet into a mere verbose state. If I were to ever achieve such a feat, I can only hope to come close to creating such beauty as you just displayed.

Controlling her emotions, Alix looks over her dreaded cards again.

ALIX
I stand corrected. YOUR WORDS MEAN NOTHING TO ME! You must find some other way of impressing me! This is my way of announcing the talent competition round! Up first is Melody, whichever one of you that is. JUDGES! Wake up and start paying attention!

MELODY
Alright guys, put it up.

The AngleTron, eventually, cuts away from the ring and up pops a screen from Guitar Hero. Which version I couldn't tell you. All I know is Melody has a plastic guitar and there's a PS3 plugged in on the outside of the ring all of a sudden.

MELODY
1, 2, 1 2 3 AND A...

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfMj-NtHZJM[/video]

Despite Melody's nimble fingers and her well trained hand-eye-screen co-ordination (and sudden loss of pants), Maggie Nerdly is not impressed by her sister's style. By the magic of television, she produces another officially licensed Guitar Hero guitar, proud sponsors of the OAOAST apparantly, from underneath the ring. And before Melody knows it, Maggie is showing her how it's done! A battle erupts between Melody's video gaming ability and Maggie's rock chick fire, a battle which is too close to call... until the screen wipes. Boos ring out from the crowd and the judging panel look shocked, all except Krista who seems to be thanking a godly power for ending the suffering.

MELODY/MAGGIE
HEY!

MOLLY
Sorry but I need this outlet for my laptop. I have prepared a short film as my talent, simply entitled "Her." It documents one young woman's struggle to survive in a male dominated environment and her powerful integrity being squa...

MAGGIE
To hell with your integrity, plug the damn machine back in!

MELODY
It's not a 'machine', it's a console!

ALIX
I think you better do it man. Just do what she says man. This chick ain't playin' man. She crazy mang! She gonna cap us unless ya'll listen mang!

Leaving the ring, Melody and Maggie debate with Molly over the use of the electric outlet, a problem the Nerdly household has surely faced many times in the past. As they lament the lack of multi-plugs at ringside, the contest continues without them as Melissa snatches the microphone from Alix.

MELISSA
Luckily, I have a talent that doesn't involve electricity. A natural talent.

ALIX
I sure hope it's good because that Guitar Hero stuff was rocking. It's like they're really playing the guitar, but with three times less effort! Think of the time they saved by not learning how to play a musical instrument and picking one up with buttons on instead! Ingenius! They're way out in the lead.

MELISSA
Well, you're not judging.

ALIX
Actually I am. The 'judging panel' are just my public representatives, since I can't be in two places at once. They get 50% of the judging fee and I make off like a bandit, again.

Jade, Terry and Maya all confirm this fact. Krista just sits there and drinks some more.

MELISSA
Well, look, it doesn't matter okay. You want talent, you're looking at it.

ALIX
If your talent is standing here and talking into a microphone telling us you're talented but never proving it, you're not going to win honeybuns. It'll get you an OAOAST contract, but Miss Nerdly 2008 is so much more important, I'm sure you'll all agree.

MELISSA
If you just shut up, I'll show you me talent.

ALIX
Okay, but it better be good.

MELISSA
It will be.

ALIX
I hope so, because like I say Maggie and Melody are winning and you really need to pull something special out. Like, maybe you can tap dance? Or burp the Pledge Of Allegiance backwards? Human cannonball on ice? Hey, you know what'd be really impressive. If you can balance a replica of Wembley Stadium on your head while reciting the lyrics to Lady Marmalade. If you can do that, I might put you in a tie for first place maybe. No promises though.

MELISSA
*sighs* You know what, forget it, it's not even worth it.

Throwing her hands up to the whole thing, Melissa leaves and marches off to the back, to the derision of the crowd.

ALIX
Walking? That's a pretty lousy talent. And you're not even that good at it, look at how your left leg goes about an inch further than the right one. You'd never be able to balance anything on your head walking like that. No co-ordination whatsoever. Judges, your scores for that?

The judges, minus Krista obviously, all look at Alix like she's crazy.

ALIX
Okay, moving on, we've got one girl left. Now she's been very shy all day, a nervous young lady, so you're gonna have to give her some encouragement here people. Let's give her a warm welcome, Malaysia! Malaysia, what's your talent?

Malaysia removes her ball and gag and looks lustfully at Alix.

MALAYSIA
I can make people feel emotions.

ALIX
That's it? Boy, that sounds like a lame superpower from Heroes.

MALAYSIA
No, see I can make you feel two emotions at the same time... pain... and pleasure... let me show you...

Malaysia strokes Alix's hair...




...AND GETS TACKLED TO THE GROUND BY KRISTA!!!

"YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Well aware of Malaysia's talents and not willing to see them again, Krista mounts Malaysia and clubs away with lefts and rights as Malaysia covers up. Krista's wild attack sends Malaysia rolling to the outside, where she hopes to use a steel chair to inflict some pain and gain some pleasure. However Krista ducks the flying chair and as it clatters off the ringpost, Krista tackles Malaysia to the ground again! A sea of referees rush out to try and pull the warring femme fatales apart as their fight spills up the ramp and dangerously close to the judges table.

ALIX
Judges, your scores for Malaysia's 'getting into a fight with Krista', before you are all sadly incapacitated?

JADE
Uhm... shouldn't you do something Alix?

ALIX
Well I thought we agreed my judging powers were to remain secret, but if you insist, I'd say it's pretty run of the mill stuff, I've had much better myself. The guys in the striped shirts don't help, makes it hard for me to really see what's going on... OOH, boob grab, points for that, definately!

As the referees try to pull Malaysia and Krista apart, poor Terry takes an errant elbow and goes spilling over the front of the table, landing in a heap in front with a pitcher of cold water drenching him from head to toe.

MAYA
I give it a 10!

Malaysia and Krista's fight goes down past the stage and off towards the back. As the chaos disappears, we find Maggie, Melody and Molly back in the ring having been unable to settle their power usage dispute.

ALIX
And now, the reason why we've all held off with the razor blades and put off slitting our wrists through that ordeal, the SWIMSUIT ROUND!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

ALIX
YYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH indeed! The rules for this round are fairly simple. You strip off, I squirt you down with babyoil and now that Krista's not looking, I'm envoking a new rule that whoever I deem to have the smoothest skin will win. Now lemme see 'dem titties! Get 'em off.

None of the three Nerdlys seem to have been prepped for a swimsuit round and try to explain this to Alix. As she laments "then what am I supposed to do with this bottle of babyoil?", the already shambolic proceedings are interrupted by "Sex And Money" by Paul Oakenfold. Boos sound out once more, perhaps for the lack of bikini action, or perhaps for the appearance on the stage of three more females. Leading the way is Mackenzie DeCenzo of course, scowling towards the ring. Behind her are both Holly Mann and Megan Skye.

DECENZO
Enough. Enough. Enough of this crap!

ALIX
*slaps forehead*
Oh, my gosh I am soooo forgetful. I just KNEW this wasn't all of you! I'm sorry everybody, my bad, as the kiddies say on the streets, at least the ones I have to sweep as part of my last community service order did. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce our final three contestants. Mackenzie Nerdly, Megan Nerdly and Mann Nerdly everybody! Give them a round of applause!

DECENZO
NO! You see, this is why I'm out here, because I am SICK of this! I am sick of the disrespect, I am sick of the disgracing of this fine program and I am sick of the damn Nerdlys!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Maggie, Melody and Molly all take that as a slight, of course.

DECENZO
That's why we're out here to put a stop to this ridiculous facade, right now! Ever since you Canadian white-trash off-spawn starting showing up in the OAOAST you have made the lives of every ambitious woman in this company hell. Not only do we have to put up with your work-shy attitudes and your general idiocy and lack of class, we have to put up with the stigma of the Nerdly family. Everywhere I go, people associate me with you people. I have been accursed! My name used to stand as a symbol of feminism at it's finest in the OAOAST. My name represented power. Success. Affluence. Now, everywhere I go, I have a stigma. Every business meeting I attend, every VIP room I enter, every meet and greet I grace with my presence, people take one look at my OAOAST background, one look at the 'M' initial and they ask me "hey, you're not one of those Nerdlys, are you?" And I perish the thought each and every time that question is put to me! I am sick of it! WE are sick of it!

"NERD - LIES!"
"NERD - LIES!"
"NERD - LIES!"
"NERD - LIES!"

Poor Mackenzie is forced to stop, scowling at the fans.

DECENZO
For this reason alone, I am here to make an official announcement. An announcement in front of the world, in front of the OAOAST Marks. An announcement which will be carried on websites across the world, will be forwarded to the most elite news sources and press releases and will be passed along through the most prestigious circles until the message is clear. I am now longer going by my given name. From this point on, I am proud to announce my intentions to go by my middle name, given to me by my beautiful mother, a woman who taught me to take pride if in nothing else myself. And damnit, I will once again be able to take pride in being the most powerful female form in the OAOAST, as Lorelei DeCenzo!!

HOLLY
You know, Mackenzie's right...

[i]Lorelei[/i] gives Holly an angry slap on the arm.

HOLLY
Sorry, sorry, force of habit. Lorelei is right. We're all sick and tired of you blonde bimbos running around like braindead college girls talking about what guys who've screwed and what video games you're playing. And since we're making announcements about names out here, I got one of my own. I'm also damn sick and tired of everybody downgrading me. I'm a former Women's Champion. I'm the original bitch with an attitude of the OAOAST. And all of you look at me like I'm some little happy housewife or something! To hell with that. Everywhere I go, I'm 'Holly Mann, Logan's wife'. 'Holly Mann, manager of Logan'. I didn't get where I am by being some submissive little bimbo. He knows I'm the toughest bitch alive. So from now on, unless you're my husband, you can all go ahead and call me Holly. Not Holly-Wood, not Holly Mann. Holly. Straight and to the point. Cher, Madonna, Pink, Holly.

ALIX
You forgot Prince. And Elvis. No, wait, Elvis had a surname... Chewbacca! Did Chewbacca have a surname?

MELODY
Funny fact about Chewbacca, George Lucas originally...

DECENZO
Shut up! Now we've got the formalities out of the way, there's only one more thing us three need to do and that's rip you Nerdlys to shreds in front of all these people. And Jade, I want you to take a close look, because come New Year's Spectacular, you're going to get the same treatment. Not because you're a Nerdly. Just because we can!

Dropping the microphone, the newly re-christened Lorelei DeCenzo leads Megan and Holly to the ring. Maggie, Melody and Molly all look ready for a fight as the trio march around the ring.

COLE
Miss Nerdly has been gatecrashed! The women of the OAOAST at odds, it's time for the Nerdlys of the world to join hands and come together, not for world peace, but for their own survival!

The three Nerdlys continue to stand guard while their three tormenters pace on the floor, ready for the fight to come!


[b]*COMMERCIAL BREAK*[/b]