Yeah, I'm depressed out of my mind. Moreso than usual. Don't feel like posting too much but I often suffer from depression and anything and everything is going wrong.
Well, thanks to Leena I think I finally got this blog comment thing fixed. My last test didn't work but this time comments should be enabled so please leave some if you have time. PLEASE DO SO. THAT WAY I'LL KNOW IF MY BLOG'S COMMENTS ARE WORKING!!!!
Question of the day for Tuesday June 13th 2006
If you were forced to make a choice between killing 10 random dogs or 10 random humans what would you do?
I'm not putting much effort in this post but since I see quite a few people read my last blog entry so I thought I may as well write some more stuff.
I feel lonely right now. Sometimes this happens. It's hard to go through life without ever having touched (outside of a strip club), danced, hugged, held hands or kissed a woman and it really eats away at me.. For a long time, I half convinced myself that I didn't need a woman and enjoyed my freedom. Truth be known, I did but there was also another part of me that hungered for a woman and whenever I saw a woman behind a counter at a store, a longing for love and touch would enter my heart. That would remind me I was lying to myself.
A lot of it is my fault. I have very high standards before I can love myself. Sometimes I am scared of doing things in my life that actually make me happy. I have social anxiety. My standards are in reality very high for the opposite sex. However, I would say some of my lonliness is not quite my fault because I didn't really understand certain concepts of the mating game like I'm starting to learn now.
I talk about it on the board here to release my frustration and I do get a laugh along with everyone else (some advice too!) out of reading my own misadventures but at the same time it truly does hurt. Times are different now though. I do realise that some females find me attractive and that helps a lot as before I was never sure what percent of girls would give me a chance at all before. But on the other side of the coin, it's now extremely painful not to be able to capatalize on times when I know a girl is liking me. I despise myself for that.
But it's time to get over all this. It's time time to improve myself and go get every girl I possibly can. I know I can do it and I will do it. That day will come. It's time to end the lonliness. It's time to end the hurt and it's time to end this emo?? post.
Would this be classified as an emo post?
A few weeks ago at the gym I did something that I feel pretty guilty about. The gym I was at was crowded and doesn't have all the proper equipment it should. So instead of using a power rack for my shrugs I was using the bench press to lift off my weights. Since when I do my shrugs I like to have my feet closer together than what the width of the weight bench allows I have to walk backwards with the weight until I can put my feet a little closer together. Than I proceed to do my shrugs. After I do my shrugs I put the bar back on the bench press while I wait until I'm ready for my next set. Since this isn't too commonly done (don't reccomend walking backwards with a barbell) people who just look over at the bench press automatically think you're just doing benches. So if the gym's crowded they can take over the spot where you would normally shrug at.
This happened to me the other week. It happens sometimes. No big deal -- I'll just tell whoever what's up and everyone's happy. This time though a girl decided to use the eAxact spot where I had been shrugging at. Not just any girl but the hottest girl in the gym. Now this was different because as anyone from this board knows I'm the wimpiest person ever the fairer sex. So it came down to this -- My love of weightraining and being able to finish vs actually having to make conversation with a girl and not only that but at the same time perhaps interfering with her workout some. My first instinct was to delay and that's exactly what I did in the hopes of not having to talk and at the same time in the hopes that she would be done quikly.
Well, there was no luck there and time started to get away with me. This was inturrupting my workout and I was really starting to panic similar to what I'd do if I had to do a presentation project in my school. Finally, I grew some testicles and explained to her that I would just need that spot for my brief set and than she could do her sets. Nobody would get inturrupted as we'd do sets one right after each other. A perfect solution that has solved many dilemnas in the gym. But it didn't turn out that way. I think (maybe it was my fault for being so nervous and hence not clear enough) but I think she thought I wanted the spot all to myself. So she left the area there and went working out elsewhere. After that, I felt tremendously guilty and because I was scared if I went back that it'd be showing some kind of interest in her (never mind the added pressure of having to talk again especially when I didn't have the motivation of getting into "her" spot for my exercises) so I didn't rectify the situation. Maybe in saying this here I can get rid of some of the guilt that's been anchoring me down as of late. I hate it when my natural instincts prevent me from being a good person.
Chins Bodyweight 178 + 41pds around waist for 9 full range reps. This wasn't to failure as I'm cycling up to hopefully 12 reps.
Note -- did not load up on PhosagenHP for the first week and just took the normal dose
1 week, 1 day
Warm up reps, did minimal stretching
Usual 87 for 7
109 for 7
129 for 7
IBP -- 153.6 for 11 reps. Felt strong here and am now up to what I was before last cycle's unsuccesful go. Was not at the failure rep.
M.Presses
Did Dumbell work
Finished off with 125 pds for 11 reps and I did pretty well here. Could've hit 12 if I wanted to.
Legs -- Kind of got myself hurt here on the leg press but I think I'm going to be okay. 5plates with 30pds for 10reps on each side but the length of the range of motino seemed to be a little different. Feet hurt a little bit as usual.
Chins
Normal "warmup"
Finished off with BW 193 + 23.3 pds = 216.3pds for 9 reps. Didn't feel as strong as I wanted to. Great range on the reps
-- Mid back feels like it's going out on me. Lower as well.
Eh, I just feel like typing something.
So here we go, just some random occurances in the life of WP.
Yesterday was a fun day. I had a doctor's appointment in the morning to get wax out of my ears. My ears have been constantly ringing for months and finally when I had to go to outpatients one evening (for something else) the problem was figured out.
First time I went to the doctors though they couldn't do anything because the wax was just too hard and packed in there. So for a week or so, I had to put mineral water inside my ears to soften things up.
Back to yesterday again -- Since I don't have a car I went in by foot. From home to about the mall which would have to be 7 miles anyway. It was a tough all out run and even though I don't sweat as nearly much as other people do, I had managed to build enough sweat to make me uncomfortable in my clothes. I was impressed with my cardio and endurance for the day as I seemed to be really doing well. However, I have to come to grips with reality in that running is just too hard on the joints, ankles and all that. Well, I arrive 30 minutes early thanks to the run only to discover that my appointment had been rescheduled for the next day. Although the message had been taken, I was not informed of it so I didn't know. Well, that to say the least was kind of dissapointing.
However, I was due for a gym session so off I went. There's a shortcut from the mall to the University where you walk on a dirt road (only for walkers though, no drivers) so I took that. Noted the waste of sprinklers as I passed the soccor field and than it happened. You always meet someone walking on the road going from the University to the Mall or Sobeys and this time was no different. There was this attractive girl walking the other way. She was dressed provacatively and in fact didn't even have a bra strap visible on her left side!! And she gave me a smile!! And I smiled back and said hi!! I don't know if she saw the smile but she probably did hear the hi. Nontheless, I think it was obvious that I was on cloud 9 after that. Not only because of the smile but since I was proud of mysef for being a man and not only smiling back but saying hi.
Now, after that adventure I talked to an older gentleman running the track who was was wondering what time it was. I gave him an estimate and off I went drinking my 1 litre of orange juice I had bought at the Dollar Store. I managed to finish off before I got there and gulped down a bunch of water once I got into the University. The gym was packed once I arrived there. All the students had returned from summer vacation and it was crowded as anything. I said "Hi" to my aunt's boyfriend and went to work. I worked on shoulders, abs, legs and traps before I called it a day. No real story from the gym this time which was unfortunate for people reading this I guess. They should've been thinking about you.
So now it was time to go home. It was long walk home and my ankles, hips, feet and joints were feeling it. In fact, my bottoms of my pinky toes were even having their calluses (tough piece of skin that forms after repititive use) ripped off. But I made'er eventually and couldn't be more happy to get something to drink and eat. I was pretty tired and in total I think I ended up falling asleep about 3 or 4 different times that day.
Next day, it was time for a doctor's appointment again. Met some people I knew while waiting so that was cool. Finally got in there to get the wax removal done. The doctor I know somewhat and he's a good guy so everything went okay. It was a new experience so I wasn't too sure on how everything would be done. He took this thing that looked like a need and repeatably flushed water into my ear as well as taking all the goey, yucky stuff out. Some of it came out in chunks and some of it in liquid form. It almost looked like runny manure in liquid form. Anyway, you hold this container next to your ear so all the stuff doesn't get on you. And that worked for the most part but I did manage to get some stuff down my chest and stomach. The process actually hurt a good deal and as of now my ears are still hurting from the pain that was inflicted by the needle like thing. A little bit of blood occured as well but nothing even close to serious. But at least, the ringing in my ears has stopped. Now, hopefully the pain in the ears will stop soon as well. It's not that I can't take the pain or anything but it's just that it worries me a tiny/little bit.
The rest of the day I spent on TSM. The end.
I don't proofread these things so if stuff doens't make sense than that is why.
