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It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.

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How To Vibrate
 

The Covenent, The Swrd, & The Arm of the Lord

-Well, Bush is still saying he won't pull out of Iraq. I would be angry, but at this point, it's such a non-suprise, I just can't throw a fit. It still pisses me off, but I can't do anything about it, so what's the use in complaining?   -Be sure to check out Masters of Horror...oh, why bother? I'm obviously the only person on this board who watches MoH, so what's the fucking point?   -As far as Christmas goes, I want an IPod, two t-shirts, a CD, and maybe a DVD. Yep, that's it. Hey, IPods are damn expensive.   -I rented "See No Evil" recently, and as expected, it sucked. Fortunately, it's laughably bad, and has two or three cool kills, so I'll give it that. That out of the way, I don't think Jason Voorhees would see any competition in Kane.   -Speaking of Horror movies, I'll probably check out "Turistas" tomorrow. I doubt it will be good, but T want to see an R-rated Horror movie in theatres, and I missed "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning."
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

"Coven" Review

Well, I promised it, so here's my review of Edward Lee's novel Coven.   In case you read this shitty excuse for a blog, you probably read my review of Lee's The Bighead and most likely didn't care. Well, it's my blog, so hey...   Anywho, Coven is a different beast than Bighead...for the most part. Sure, there's the requisite gore and sex (it's actually gorier than Bighead), as well as rednecks (who aren't psychopathic rapists this time) dark humor, and gross out moments. Unlike Bighead, there are few if any scatalogical moments, and it's much pulpier, and less interested in grossing the reader out, than Bighead.   The story deals with Wade St. John, a rich, arrogant college fuck-up who's doing bad in school. So his dad, fed up with this shit, decides to have Wade take summer coarses, and take a job as a toilet scrubber. While this damages Wades rep, he still has his buddies-Tom, a rich Republican who has a thing for really bad jokes, and Jervis (my favorite character), a philosophy fan who's been suicidal and crying rivers since his girlfriend dumped him for a body building German nazi. Oh, and the new campus police officer, a sexy girl named Lydia.   Meanwhile, somethings a miss (of course) in this university. Seems like someone with a huge axe has been killing people and abducting women. Oh, and there's some strange women in black, who giggle eat organs. It all involves aliens...   ...that's right, aliens. You see, in spite of it's title, Coven is actually a sci-fi/horror story. And it's disgusting and great. There's tons of gore, plenty of sex, alien monstrosities having their way with nubile collge babes (including a scene with a man-sized cockroach-yes, you read that right), some great comedic moments, nearly unstoppable zombies, people being sliced in half, and much, much more.   So, is it good? Yes, in fact, I loved this book. Sure, theres some cliches (Wade's relationship with Lydia is a bit convenient, and some of the dialogue is a bit cliched), but this is a blast, and the best book from Lee I've read yet. The characters are great (Jervis in particular, is a laugh riot), some nice music selections (Sixousie and the Banshees? Brian Eno? Right on...), a wonderfully gallows sense of humor, gratuitous sex (hell, this whole book is gratuitious), some excellent gore, zombies, aliens, conspiracies...hell, this about has it all, and I loved it. It's a grat piece of pulp-horror that I couldn't put down.   Rating: 9/10   You can get the book here.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

2006 Horror Review

Oh, and this is the last 2006 review   Best Horror Movie:The Descent   Worst Horror Movie: TIE: The Wicker Man and Rest Stop   Goriest: Feast   Funniest: Slither   Best Remake: The Hills Have Eyes   Worst Remake: The Wicker Man   Least Interesting: See No Evil   Most Cringe Inducing Moment: Hostel (Tendon Slicing)   Best Kill: Abominable (Face and half of Skull bitten off) Best Foreign Horror: Calvaire   Best Indie Movie: Hard Candy Deserved More Attention: The Roost, Abominable, Subject Two, The Dark Hours Guilty Pleasure: Snakes on a Plane   Enough Already: The Saw and Final Destination Movies   Best DVD: Street Trash 2 Disc edition   Thank God it's on DVD: Cemetary Man   Come on DVD Already!: From Beyond, Night of the Creeps, Monster Squad, Night of the Comet, Blood Diner   Looking Forward To: Grindhouse, Pan's Labyrinth, Rogue, Priest    
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Paul is (Not) Dead

-Well, Paul was banned, then unbanned. For those who don't know what the hell I'm talking about, check out The Chocolate Socket. Also, I hate the title of that board.   Anyways, it's weird. He was banned for being a PBP, I still don't know which one, and now he's back. My contruibution: Pictures and random quotes. I'm going to move up to song lyrics next.   Also, I never really have paid too much attention to Paul. Don't Hate him, not a huge fan of him, he's just kind of there to me.   -That out of the way, the current best thread right now is the "Best Albums of 2006" thread. Check out my picks, and honerable mentions.   -Well, it seems like right-wing pundits are already trying to smear Obama. While I like the guy, I doubt he's perfect. That out of the way, leave him alone already.   -Oh yea, "The Descent" comes out on Tuesday. If you haven't seen it yet, go check it out. I promise, you won't regret it.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Merry Christmas

-Well, Monday, it will be Christmas. I hope you all have a happy holiday, and yule tide cheer and all that.   -Anyways, I hate the fact that there is no snow right now. Right now, I'm visiting my parents for Christmas break, and I'm typing on one of their computers. Right now, it's 56 Degrees Farenheit, and it's raining instead of snowing.   Excuse me, but what kind of bullshit is this?   Seriously, this sucks. It's winter, it's almost Christmas, give me some fucking snow. I don't care how much there is, I just want snow. Is that too much to ask for? Come on, this is Ohio I live in, for God's sake.   -Monday, a remake of Black Christmas comes out. I'm skipping it, since I love the original, and I'm really not looking forward to this one.   -Anyways, again, Merry Christmas
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Post Christmas, and RIP James Brown

-James Brown is gone. Here's a guy who was a real innovator, and one of Music's most important figures. You wouldn't have a lot of the music you listen to if it weren't for him, just remember that. RIP Godfather of Soul.   -In lighter news, I had a decent Christmas. Got an IPod, a CD, and a T-Shirt. I wasn't feeling too festive, since I've had some problems sleeping. I'm currently wondering why I never got an IPod earlier, because this thing rules.   -"The Descent" is out on DVD today. If you haven't seen it, be sure to see it, because it's the best damn horror movie you are going to see all year.   -Religious Groups got their panties in a bunch over the remake of "Black Christmas" that's out right now. That reminds me, did anyone see it? I would, but I usually hate the idea of remaking a classic. Granted, there's some good remakes out there, but still...   I'm sure it's better than "Turistas"    
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Gerald Ford, Saddam, and goodbye 2006

-As you folks know, I'm no Republican. That out of the way, RIP Gerald Ford. Here's someone who was an all around good guy, lead to Chevy Chase convincing us that he's a comedy genius, and while not exactly the best president, deserves a mention. RIP Mr President, and God-bless.   -In other news, Saddam bit the big one recently. He'll be missed by...oh, who the fuck am I kidding? Nobody is going to miss the guy. Hell, if you ask me, he got exactly what he deserved. I say let him rot in hell and let him begin his eventual sexual relationship with Satan.   -Remember when everywhere you went, you saw Ashley Simpson on the cover of every magazine? Well, it's now Rachel Ray. So it seems like I'll be seeing her on magazine covers for a while, as shw haunts my dreams.   -Finally, goodbye 2006. You where a year that gave us Clinton flipping out on TV, talk about global warming, Ann Coulter talking about anal sex and fisting (she acts like fisting is a bad thing), the long time coming ban of wildpegasus, a pedophile senator, Kevin Federline getting too much attention, Hillary getting too much attention, Ghostface Killah and The Roots not getting enough attention, Saddam, Gerald Ford, James Brown, Syd Barret, and Robert Altman's deaths, disappointing albums from The Killers, Ministry, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and the Revolting cocks, The Republicans losing, George Clooney doing an incredibly self-important oscar speech, a new guilty pleasure in The Sounds, Family Guy sucking, then suddenly regaining some momentum, the headbutt seen 'round the world, and this worthless little blog. So long 2006, you will/won't be missed.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

That's the way it is

-Well, Hillary announced she had presidential aspirations. I really don't think it's a good idea. Most people, Republican and Democrat, don't want her to run, though she does have a better chance of winning than Kucinich, but a wounded puppy has a better chance than him. Me, I'm getting behind Obama or Richardson.   -In better news, the remake of "The Hitcher" didn't exactly tear up the box office. It almost seems like people are finally starting to get tired of shitty remakes of horror classics, though that won't stop anytime soon. I hear "Friday the 13th" and (sigh) "The Birds" are the next planned remakes.   If you ask me, if you are going to remake a horror movie, remake one that nobody knows about, or was bad to begin with. For example, I like George Romero's "The Crazies", but I wouldn't mind a remake of it. Also, look at Tobe Hoopers take on the "Toolbox Murders", which was a remake of a shitty horror movie, and much better than the original. Hell, why not remake a movie like "Prom Night" or Zombie Creeping Flesh." Both are shitty horror movies that few people know about or remember, and those that do don't exactly have fond memories of them, so remaking them woudn't cause a fit.    
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Post Super Bowl Extravagenza, or Prince Kicks Ass

-Well, the Super Bowl was on last night, and the Colts won. The game itself was lackluster, IMO. The highlight of course, was Motherfucking Prince. After a series of shitty halftime shows, his Majesty shows the Stones and McCarthy how it's done. The second he dropped the mic and played guitar, I marked out bigtime.   The commercials were largely dissapointing, for the most part. The Futuristic Coke commercial was ass, and the commecial with Federline was suprisingly amusing, but still lame. The best one though, was Letterman with Oprah. Next to Prince, it was the highlight of the night, because no one saw coming.   -In other news, I took a midterm today, and I'm feeling alright about it. I hopefully did good, or at least passed. Now, off to do a bunch of essay papers...   -Season 2 of "Masters of Horror" is over, and it ended in a disappointing way. A shame that what could have been a good season finale was ruined by poor acting and a series of Japanese horror cliches.   -Joe Biden is the next to throw his hat in the Presidential race. The good news for him: He stands a better chance than Kucinich the Munchkin. The bad news: He sucks as a candidate, and stands no chance in hell.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

I Hate Snowdays

-I don't have class today, because the University is closed due to the shitty weather. This actually pisses me off some. Unlike others, I want to get some homework done, and I hate being stuck in my room all day, which has been the way for about 2 days. I did help a chick get her car out of the snow, but other than that, I haven't done anything lately, and the boredom is starting to get to me.   -A thread in the Music Folder deals with the hilarious results of rapper Cam'ron making an ass of himself. Really, go there, and watch the video, it's awesome. Just watch the video though, because Carlito Brigante ruined the thread, as he's known for ruining any thread related to Hip Hop.   -In movie stuff, check out "The Abandonded" next week. It was the best recieved movie over at Horrofest last November, and has gotten some pretty damn good word of mouth.   -The guys with the snow shovel are out ther right now. That's the seventh time I've seen them in the past two days. Yes, I am really bored.   -Finally, Happy Valentines Day.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Quilombo!

-In good new, it quit snowing over here, and it's warming up some. It's supposed to be somewhere in the 50's later on this week, which puts a smile on my face.   -Ghostrider is the top movie in the box office. I remember seeing the trailer for it when I saw Borat, and for the first time in my life, I found myself hoping a Tyler Perry movie would do better.   Oh well, at least The Abandoned is in theatres Friday.   -Here's Libertarian Stan Jones being a paranoid doof. Read the Youtube comments, because they are a riot. Oh, and LOL Communism.   -It seems like Mick Romney, who's a Republican presidential candidate, is getting heckled because he's Mormon. Look folks, if you are going to heckle someone, make it be because of their Political background instead of their religious one. I'm no Bible Thumper myself, but I have no problem with someone if they have any sort of religion (except Scientology), and when you do shit like this, you just look like a jackass.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

They asked for it...

-The Oscars were on last night. I really wish that Pan's Labyrinth (which got 6 nominations) and Children of Men (got 2) got more love last night, as they are awesome movies. That out of the way, it's great to see Scorcese finally win one, and Forest Whitaker win for best actor. Also, it's great to see Ennio Morricone get an award, but Lifetime Achivement? Come on, he deserved an award years ago...   Oh, and I think Al Gore got too much love last night. I'm no conservative, but I halfway expected someone to start blowing him on stage. "Oh Al, you made us all aware of Global Warming!" Yeah, and scientists didn't say anything before the movie came out. It's sad that it takes Al Gore of all people to make more people care about the environment.   Ellen was ok. Not as bad as some say, but not that good either.   -Well, I've been busy for the last few weeks, what with essays and finals and such. One of the essays is an psychoanalytical look at the splatterpunk and hardcore horror genres in literature.   -"The Abandoned" isa pretty damn good horror movie. It's not perfect (it sags a bit in the middle) but its still a good, atmospheric horror movie. It's refreshing to see a horror movie rely more on atmosphere than pointless torture, at least these days.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

The Piper at the Gates of Dawn

-Well, I beat razazteca in round 1 of the TSM poster tournament. It feels good to win, though raz isn't really competition. Also, Slayer beat Matt "creepy bastard" Young, Leena (who actually voted for raz) beat snuffbox, and Lushus beat Edwin.   -C-Bacon has returned, and me, Invader3k, and Bobby Peru have ripped on him. Personally, I'm just starting to lose interest in him, as he's pretty much a one-trick pony.   -300 looks good, in spite of the drubbing some critics are giving it. I'll check it out.   -Married to the Sea is an online comic i reccomend. Funny stuff that will hopefully get a laugh out of you. It's no Perry Bible Fellowship, but it's pretty damn good.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Spring Break So Far

-Well, spring break is going on right now. So far, things have been just ok, and some of it has sucked.   For one thing, my aunt Mary recently has an aneurysm. Fortunately, she's doing betther, but it still scares me. I always got along with her, and though I'm usually not one to pick favorites, shes definately up there.   Also, today was a boring day. How boring? Well, I actually started to watch The Tyra Banks show for some reason. She was talking to a lesbian couple who won't be accepted by one of the girls mother. I was actually rooting for the couple, until I realized that I was watching the fucking Tyra Banks show, and I stopped and started reading horror instead to make sure that I wan't transforming into some kind of pussy. I do hope the mom accepts her daughter though.   -I saw 300 yesterday, and loved it. Granted, it may be the most homoerotic movie of the year (even Brokeback Mountain didn't have this much gay imagery), but it's still great. The trailers were ok. The Spiderman 3 was great (Fuck yeah Venom), but The Reaping (the new Dark Castle movie starring Hillary Swank) looks like shit. That reminds me, one of the Biblical Plagues is frogs, yet how is that bad? How are frogs deadly? Ok, so some are poisonous, but still, their frogs. Maybe God was on an off day when it comes to that plague.   -Oh yeah, I went to a mall last Saturday. It sucked, because nothing was there. The only place that sold DVD's and music and books has been replaced by a Christian bookstore. I did go to Best Buy however, and got Al Green's Call Me, which is one of the best soul albums ever recorded. Seriously, if you don't already own it, buy it. You won't regret it.   -Finally, I'm going to start a list of the 50 worst albums ever recorded. I'm going to ask for help from others, so suggestions from posters would be great.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Start of 50 Worst Albums (50-48)

I said I was going to start a countdown of the 50 Worst Albums of all time, so well, lets start   50.) The new Insane Clown Posse Album. I never liked Insane Clown Posse. I always found them a lame gimmick, and their music never did anything for me. The reason I included this one is because of the comments from Carnival, whi is a fan of there's who I think is a pretty cool guy, and is one of my favorite posters. He says that the new album is "The worst thing he's ever heard" and that "If it was a tumor, it wouldn't grow on him." Wow. Anyways, I'd like to thank him for these comments. I'm not sure if they are the exact words (I deleted them on accident-really sorry, though it is amazingly appreciated. You don't need to send them back though, since your words are appreciated) but still...   49.) Boston-Corporate America Brad Delp commited suicide recently, and he'll definately be missed. The first Boston album is a classic, and still warrents a listen. Hell, everyone but the biggest indie-rock snob likes that album. Their last album though, is a real suckfactory. Everything in it sounds recycled, and the arena rock riffs sound tired instead of fun, and Delp sounds bored. Also, what the hell is with the song "With You", which doesn't even have Delp? Bullshit. Lamest of all, is one of the best selling arena rock gods of all time bemoaning corporate America. Yes, the same corporate America that helped them turn them into best selling sensations. Oh, and it promotes vegetarianism, rips on modern living, and attacks SUV's and DVD's. I rest my case. Cool album cover though.   48.) Coil-Constant shallowness Leads To Evil I love Coil. Love's Secret Domain, Horse Rotorvator, and the Musick to Play in the Dark albums are classics in electronic music. This 2000 album though, sees them taking on noise, While I like noise, and I like what they were aiming for here (a tribute to everything from La Monte Young to Krautrock to early Butthole Surfers), the end result falls on it's face. It all sounds dull and pretentious, and actually forgets what made the artists that influenced the album so great in the first place. Saddest of all is frontman John Balance, who's just treading the same water he has in the past. In the end, what we get is the worst album in their discography, and one of the worst electronic albums of the new millenium, or at least so far.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

47-45, Karl Rove get's Ill

-Before we get back to the countdown, Here's Karl Rove setting white people back. Word. I never thought I'd say it, but poor Karl Rove...   Now, thw countdown countinues   47.) Neil Young-Landing on Water I love Neil Young. Hell, who doesn't? That out of the way, nobody loves this album. Here, Neil tries to mix the style of his band Crazy Horse with modern music styles-and it all falls apart. The album is incredibly dated, and I'm sorry Neil, but loud 80's Drums don't fit you. The whole album is hard to listen to (yes, even harder than Eveybody's Rockin', though that ones forgivable for the fact that Young was intentionally trying to piss off Geffen.)   46.) Hammer-The Funky Headhunter Let's face it, while it's hard to take him seriously, you can't deny that guys like MC Hammer helped Hip-Hop crossover to the pop mainstream. When he tried to reinvent himself as a Gangsta rapper, you can guess how well that turned out. Sure, "Pumps and a Bump" may be one of the great idiotic Rap tunes, but the whole album is laughably bad because he actually tries to pull this off without a single hint of irony. Think about this: the guy who had a Saturday Morning cartoon tried to come off as a hardcore rapper. Cool album title though...   45.) The Rolling Stones-Dirty Work Just like Neil Young a year earlier, The Rolling Stones try to fit in with the times-and fail. The Rolling Stones with synthesized production? No. Also, the band sounds bored, especially Jagger, who sounds like he doesn't know why he's doing this. Even Tom Waits, or as Incandenza likes to call him, God, can't save the album with his appearence. Oh, and the album cover is one of the worst album covers ever made.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

41-39

41.) Current 93-Aryan Aquarians Some artists release albums so bad even they don't want anybody to hear it. David Tibet, who I think is awesome, has every right to be embarresed by this album. A dreadful attempt at synth-pop, the album is bad in every way imaginable. It's almost as if he and hid friends recorded this as a joke. If that's the case, then it's not a funny one.   40.) Rage Against The Machine-Renegades Yet another shitty covers album. Hearing Devo's Beautiful World and Bob Dylan's Maggie Farm get butchered is one thing. The real crime though, is hearing such Hip-Hop classics such as Afrika Bambaata's Renegades of Funk, Erik B. and Rakim's Microphone Fiend, Cypress Hill's How I Could Just Kill A Man, and Volume Ten's Pistol Grip Pump get ruined. These travesty's thus make it slightly worse tham A Perfect Circles also shitty eMotive.   39.) Yes-Big Generator There is nothing worse than a good band with a hit doing a failed attempt to capitalize on that hit. That's all Big Generator is. he band does see them try to go back to their old style, and it was a big hit, ot also sounds too much like they are conflicted with making another hit and returning back to their roots. The result is this album, which never finds it's voice, and ends up sounding like a lost cause. Cool album cover though...
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

38-36

38.) Frank Sinatra-Trilogy It sucks to have to put old Blue eyes here, but this album is worth mentioning on this list. This is an album that sees Frank delving into levels of bad usually reserved for Shatner. The covers (again with the covers) are pretty bad, but part three of this album is the stuff of bad music legend. Here, Blue Eyes tells us about peace and outer space, singing about time on Mars to saying, and I am not making this up, "Uranus is Heaven." Let's pretend the man never recorded this one   37.) Public Enemy-Muse Sick-N-Hour-Mess Age Sorry Chuck, but not even an awesome album cover can justify this one. Really, after Apocalypse 91, it's all dowhill from there for Public Enemy (actually that's not true-He Got Game is underrated). Here, they tell you the same thing you've heard before, and do it all in a way that's boring instead of though provoking, while the production-always a plus in PE albums-is definately lacking. If anything, they sound more like a parody instead of the real thing. That out of the way, I will give them props for not trying to change with the times.   36.) Stone Roses-Second Coming The Stone Rose's debut album is a classic example of many of the good things about Brit-Pop, and is one of the best albums of the genre. The follow up-not so much. Here, Ian Brown tries growling a bit, which is a real head scratcher. The biggest crime though, is the guitar work by John Squire, which sounds too much like a bad attempt at trying to be Led Zeppelin. After this, the band broke up, and Brown went on to a forgettable solo career.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

35-33

35.) Emerson, Lake, and Palmer-Love Beach Ok, so I never liked ELP, but that doesn't save this album. Granted, it was only recorded it because they owed it to their label, but that's no excuse. One of the worst Prog-Rock albums ever recorded, this is a lazy affair, without a single memorable moment. Even their most hardcore fans will tell you it sucks. Also has what may be one of the worst album covers ever.   34.) Cabaret Voltaire-Groovy, Laid Back, and Nasty Cabaret Voltaire are one of my favorite groups of all time. A band who's influence on electronic music is nearly unequaled, and can still be heard today. When they decided to do a house album back in 1988, it was a musical disaster. It's another album that tries to keep up with the times, which sucks considering that this is a group known for setting standards instead of following them. Also, Stephen Mallinder's voice is more pop oriented, and lacks any of the conviction of their previous work, which hurts not only their credibility, but also their creativity, thus making a flat out bad album. Cool album title though.   33.) Can-Saw Delight First bad sign: the album title itself is a bad pun. Another bad sign: This is a flat out dull album, without a single interesting moment, and sounds too much like a collaberation between Santana and a bloated Prog-Rock band instead of the freeform ethno-fusion jams that Can are known for, as well as some uninspired drumming from Jaki Liebezeit (who may be my favorite drummer of all time) and weak electronic wankery that sounds more like ELP than Can.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Slightly Eventful Sunday,29-27

-Well, I went to Big Boy's for Breakfast yesterday (what can I say, their breakfast bar rules, and Bob Evans was crowded) and saw something that I've never seen before, or at least in person: a female Insane Clown Posse fan who wasn't ugly or fat. Well, her face was so-so, but she had a pretty good body, and a nice ass. Who knew such a thing existed.   Afterwards, I stopped at Best Buy to get Venture Bros. Season 2 on DVD (it's great, though the commentary tracks are so-so), then went to Meijer to get some food. I also started reading Jack Ketchum's "The Lost", and it's been great so far. The guy's one of my favorite horror authors, and everyone should read him.   Now, back to the countdown.   29.) Death in June-All Pigs Must Die Hey, it's Death in June, doing the whole neo-folk with fascist overtones thing-again. Only this time it's uninteresting, and shows the eventual musical mediocrity that's unfortunately plagued them since. It also drags on too long, and while he at least tried something a bit different, it's attempts at dirge-like atmosphere and eeriness falls right on it's face.   28.) Prince-The Rainbow Children I love Prinve. Who doesn't love Prince. That out of the way, there's no denying that he's cut some bad albums, and while there has been debate over what his worst album is, I'd say it's this one. Here, Prince lets the world know he's a Jehovas Witness (at least he did go door to door over it), and records an album made up of really bad attempts at sounding like James Brown, Sly Stone, and other such greats. It also has some of the worst lyrics he's ever written.   27.) Kiss-Music for the Elder One of the worst (and most puzzling) concept albums ever recorded (ELP's Tarkus, while a shitty album, gets a pass for having such an odd but awesome concept), Music for the Elder pissed off whatever remaining Kiss fans existed at the time, with it's shitty attempts at Prog Rock, and was the final straw for Ace Frehley, who left the band after the albums release. Who could really blame him?
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

26-24

26.) Foetus Symphony Orchestra-York I love Jim Thirlwell. My blog is named after one of his songs fer Christsakes! That out of the way, this is the worst album he recorded. Done after he was dumped by Sony, the album is a collaboration with Lydia Lunch that details a tour through the seedier, more unpleasent parts of New York. Sounds good, right? Well it would be if it didn't sound exactly like that, only less exciting and with pretentious, monotonous jazz noodling as music. Fortunately, he's made up for this, but it's still a bad album.   25.) Michael Jackson-HIStory Some will tell you that Invincible is the worst Michael Jackson recorded, but they are mistaken. HIStory is a monumental achievement in ego, from the huge statue he constructed to celebrate the album, to shitty stabs at angry pop music with "They Don't Care About US" ("Scream" is a pretty fucking awesome song though) to the absolutely creepy (This came after the first trial) "Childhood", HIStory is his worse album. Though it should be mentioned again that "Scream" is a pretty badass song.   24.) Madonna-American Life Question: What's the worst album Madonna ever recorded? Answer: American Life. If you want to hear an American billionaire with a fake British accent complain about what she thinks is wrong with America, this is the album for you. Otherwise, you should avoid. Oh, and don't forget the title track, which has Madonna rapping, and nearly destroying Hip Hop.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

23-21

23.) Kevin Federline-Playing With Fire I will admit, I've never listened to this album. I'm only including it because no list of worst albums would be complete without this guy.   22.) Vanilla Ice-Hard to Swallow Contrary to popular belief, Limp Bizkit and their peers didn't record the worst Nu-Metal album. No, Vanilla Ice did, in what basically sounds like a parody of an already shitty subgenre. Also contrary to popular belief, his worst song isn't "Hot Sex", "Having a Ronnie", or "I Love You" (though it can be agreed that "Ninja Rap" is the best thing he did). No, it's "The Horny Song", which also actually counts as the worst Nu-Metal song ever recorded-and that's saying something.   21.) Eminem-Encore Ok, so "Mosh" and "Toy Soldiers" are cool songs, but those can't save an album with songs like "Big Weenie", "My First Single", "Just Lose It", "Evil Deeds", "Puke", or worst of all, "Ass Like That", in which Eminem rips on Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. (I know that Triumph appears in the video, but still, the song is a diss on a fucking hand puppet.) Oh, and it features Eminem taking a shit, which is something nobody wanted to hear.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

20-18

20.) Tin Machine-Tin Machine It may predate 90's guitar fueled grunge, but still...David Bowie, what were you thinking? Even if it predates it, Tin Machine, Bowies more Hard rock side project, is still half baked, uninspired grunge. The album even has the gall to cover Lennon's "Working Class Hero", and well...damnit Bowie. The project was pretty much hated by everyone, and is best left as a bad memory, though there were two more Tin Machine albums.   19.)The Heads-No Talking, Just Head The Talking Heads without David Byrne=no. Really, just no. Featuring a variety of leads singers (including Debbie Harry, Richard Hell, and others), it doesn't sound like the Talking Heads as much as it does a really bad dream. Featuring an embarrising stab at pseudo NIN Industrial rock ("Damage I've Done"), shitty stabs at punk/new wave ("Punk Lolita") and other sad moments. At least it was the only Heads album.   18.) Slayer-Diabolus in Musica What does Slayer sound like when they experiment with Hardcore? Not very good. To be fair, their experiments in Hardcore had their moments in the past (Divine Intervention isn't as bad as some say it is), but it still sounds bad, as the whole Hardcore thing had lost its usefulness, and it sounds like a band doing a parody of a Slayer album. The album itself is low on new ideas (They are still talking about Religion, Serial Killers, and War), and musically, lets just say songs like "Overt Enemy", "In The Name of God", and "Perversions of Pain" aren't their best moments.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

17-15

17.) DJ Shadow-The Outsider I love DJ Shadow. The albums Endtroducing and The Private Press pretty much define instrumentqal Hip-Hop. When I heard he was going to experiment with Hyphy and other styles, I was willing to give him the shadow (no pun intended) of a doubt. The end result is an absolute disaster, and the worst album that was released last year. Complete with bad U2 and Coldplay immitations, now played out attempts at sample-ridden instrumentals, and well, even fucking Q-Tip can't save it.   16.) Black Sabbath-Never Say Die! The last Sabbath studio album with Ozzy, Never Say Die! should have been called Pull The Plug. Full of bloated attempts at Prog-Rock , a generally disjointed feeling, a song ("Breakout") with saxaphone that goes nowhere, and Ozzy and the band sound unentusiastic. In other words, you can tell they don't want to be around one another.   15.) Black Sabbath-Forbidden The last Black Sabbath studio album, this is their worst. It features Ernie C (of Body Count fame), it features a duet with Ice-T (I'm not making this up), bad attempts at Power Metal, one of the worst Metal Ballads ever recorded ("Can't Get Close Enough"), and even sees Tony Iommi recycling a riff from one of his own songs. The album itself should be "Forbidden." LOL GET IT!?!? Ok, i'll shut up now.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

14-12

Judas Priest-Turbo 14.) Judas Priest-Turbo Priest try 80's pop metal. As you'd expect, it goes wrong. "Turbo Lover" is pretty embarrising (and their gayest song ever-yes, even gayer than "Ram it Down"), and the album ends up sounding like Poison recording a Judas Priest tribute album instead of a Judas Priest album. It's also another album trying to keep up with then modern trends (in this case, pop metal) and sounds incredibly dated, from the synth guitar to corny attempts at anthems.   13.) Van Halen-Van Halen III Remember when Gary Cherone from Extreme was the frontman for Van Halen? If you do, then I'm sorry that I had to bring that up. Everything from the generic 90's album cover, poor attempts at political commentary (Yeah Eddie, you stick it to the man!), songs that sound too much like redo's of past Van Halen songs, a bland rhythm section, and worst of all, generic guitar riffs from Eddie-yes, you read that right-is horrible. This was also the last studio album from Van Halen, and not the best way to go.   12.) Depeche Mode-Songs of Faith and Devotion Live In spite what some will tell you, Songs of Faith and Devotion is a pretty good album. It's not their best one, and there are a few clunkers ("Get Right With Me" and "One Caress"), but it's still good. The follow up release six months later, is basically a live version of that album. It's a pretty bad album, with Dave Gahan sounding ragged and uninterested, to the failed attempts at giving the songs some extra muscle, to the bland live instrumentation, the whole album is a clunker. At least they followed it up with Ultra, which is their most underrated album. This is still pretty bad, and the worst album they rever recorded.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

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