• No matter who you are, there’s always a bigger dog in the yard.
That show of his is one of those programs where if I’m channel surfing and come across it I’ll watch it for a few minutes before moving on. Sometimes I’ll watch them catch some crackhead, but most of the time after five minutes I’m asking myself, “Why do I have this on?” Another program I treat in a similar fashion is that “Miami Ink” show. It’s about some Florida tattoo shop and we get to see these people get paid for defiling willing patrons. Actually, from the shows I’ve seen, many of the customers have rather touching reasons for wanting various tattoos inked onto them. One person wanted to remember her father. Another wanted a portrait of his son, while a lady got one of her kid who died too soon. I’m sure this store also gets its share of drunks who will wake up the next day wondering how they got a grim reaper holding a can of beer on their shoulder blade, but there’s probably a reason why these ink sessions don’t make it on the air.
While I’m on the subjects of tattoos, I’m rather indifferent to them. If you want to brand yourself, then go for it. As for me, I have marked up my body enough; I don’t need to pay someone to do it for me. There’s that scar I got on my right thigh when I was a kid chasing pigeons just outside the Carnegie Museum. Then I have that marking on my left which reminded me as a pre-teen not to go biking on those sloped curbs. How I didn’t break any bones from that incident is beyond me.
Speaking of breaking bones, I’ve been pretty lucky in this regard, too. The only time my idiotic behavior resulted in a cast or splint when I tried to slide uphill into a coiled-up garden hose that was acting as first base in a backyard baseball game. Not only did I dislocate my right middle and ring finger knuckles, but I was also called out. To make matters worse, a day or so later I was playing some Capture the Flag-like game late at night and unknowingly hid in a patch of poison ivy. That was not a fun summer vacation, especially since all this happened just one week before my junior year of high school. But if this is the worst I have done to my body when it came to doing stupid shit as a kid, then I consider myself extremely fortunate.
• This story caught my attention because I was born on the year he escaped and began living his second life. Yeah he had a real "mental" condition. That's why he was able to evade the law for three decades. Fuck him. And what is up with stabbing someone to death in 1964 and then being eligible for parole in 1980? Yet another reason you need to off anyone trying to harm you or someone you care about – you sure as fuck aren’t going to get any assistance from the State in this matter.
• I just found an update on the Dog situation. I guess I could joke about how Mr. Dog jumped bail, but what really got the big LOL was the bolded part of the article below. It’s nice to know that the Mexican government cares about at least of their own crossing the U.S. border. Now how about you guys doing something about the million-plus other people from your shit hole of a country that do the same thing every year? Oh well, at least the Dog family has some fresh material for sweeps.
8 p.m.
• Hmmm, when the better half went to get tickets for Hannah Montana's Shittsburgh show, she wasn't able to order them on-line. Then again, she wasn't in the super-secret club that this article mentions. However, there was a bit of a local brouhaha because it seemed people dumb devoted enough to sign up for that super-secret club weren't able to get tickets either. I blame the Bush Administration.
And for the record, Mrs. kkk was trying to get the tickets for her one niece.
7:15 p.m.
• Well I hope he at least got one big time-out.
Speaking of "kids," remember that invader who ran off to Mexico with his teacher? Peep this.
So wait a second. I thought 13-year-old boys were just getting their mack on with female teachers that they boink. Now they're "victims" of "sex crimes"? Which is it?
• Sure many Hollywood types are idiots when trying to espouse political viewpoints, but Michael Keaton is A-OK with me. I’m sure the guy’s a commie, but when it comes to sports, he’s a true Pirate “Bat-fan” – LOL-ONE-WIN-IN-EIGHT-GAMES. Before Keaton threw out the first pitch to the Pirates first home loss of the baseball season (and seventh overall), he stood in front of some news cameras and ragged on Pirate management, saying that ownership isn’t spending enough money on good players and taking the fans for granted. Ahahahaha. So the guy selected to throw out the first pitch for a new season – the ALL-STAR season – rags on the organization beforehand. Like I said before, God I love this team.
• Speaking of things I’ve said before, a while back I made some remarks about the alleged rape of a stripper by members of the Duke Lacrosse team. Like I said when the story broke, when it comes to rape allegations, if it’s a recent accusation, I’ll sit back and wait until more evidence presents itself. Well, more evidence did, or should I say, didn't show up. Gotta love the ol’ DNA test. Shit like this is part of the reason why I don’t bother with strippers or “exotic dancers.” The closest I ever came to this sort of thing was when a few of my friends chipped in and ordered a stripper to my one friend’s residence (I chose not to partake in this because I'd rather spend money on myself at the mall and oogle chicks there for free). From what I heard, the chick’s bodyguard threatened everyone there that if they even laid a finger on her she would leave and he would beat the shit out of all of them (from what my friends told me, he could have). So when the dancer did her thing, most of the spectators were shaking, due in part to the threats of physical harm, not to mention the inexperience many of them had in dealing with near-naked women.
• What the hell happened to Brad Pitt? No, he didn’t get a beer belly overnight. What I’m talking about deals more with his mental state than physical state. And no I’m also not talking about him dumping Jennifer Aniston for someone who Billy Bob Thorton stuck his dick into repeated times. (Actually, I do respect Angelina Jolie for her goodwill work; it's a shame she has to be affiliated with an organization as evil as the United Nations.) I remember back when Pitt did that “Seven Years in Tibet” movie he was asked by Time Magazine about his opinion on the whole China/Taiwan issue (or a similar topic dealing with that movie) and Pitt said something like “I’m just a fucking actor; I don’t know anything about that situation.” Now, years, later I read this:
Oh well, at least they’re not naming their kids (real or adopted) after fruit, although former NFL quarterbacks can’t be much bettet. However, if they named the kid "Garcia" they would get the best of both worlds: a fruity quarterback.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
A few days ago I mentioned hearing on Neal Boortz’s show a race-baiting political ad that took place in Atlanta. Now the commercial’s speakers claim the ad wasn’t inflammatory. Here are some highlights of the linked article.
OK. Now, let's go back to that ad’s message.
Yeah. I see no race-baiting there. Well, I wouldn’t if I was brought up in one of those inner-city government schools because I wouldn’t be able to read the text. Say, this gives me an idea, but first I have to take a trip down memory lane. Back in my college days, Pennsylvania’s governor at the time, Tom Ridge, was running for re-election, and the Democrats nominated a guy that makes Lynn Swann look like a serious gubernatorial contender. The guy’s name was Ivan Itkin, and he was a nice-enough person. The problem was he had no money in his campaign coffers, and he didn’t run the greatest of campaigns either. However, he managed to show up at our college’s television studio for a taped interview session. Of course, he didn’t realize that this recording was only going to be broadcast within our college dorm rooms; I think the broadcasting professor fibbed a little when telling him who was going to be watching this taped interview. But I digress.
After the interview concluded, I was waiting for Itkin to get the television makeup off his face so that I could ask him a few questions for our student newspaper. During that time I spoke with our broadcasting professor, who was a nice enough chick. There was one problem: Because I was studying print media, and she dealt with broadcast journalism, I don’t think she got the memo on what my political opinions were. You may find this hard to believe, but I wasn’t the most popular kid in college. I didn’t recite what Rush said in my classes in an attempt to throw my professors’ lesson plan off course, but I didn’t back down from a debate or snide liberal remarks, either. Well, this prof began talking to me about a local event that was making some waves, and I think she had assumed that I was on the same side of the topic as she was. She was wrong.
There was this community that wasn’t too far from where I lived, and some politicians were trying to “integrate” the community. In an effort to “diversify” this neighborhood, which had families who worked all their life in order to get where they were, the government was trying to relocate ghetto trash from the city to this corner of suburbia. Naturally, the residents of this community didn’t take too kindly to this effort and were trying to do everything in their power to stop this social experiment. I don’t blame these people one iota for doing so; the professor, on the other hand, did — and rather emphatically, too. Of course, when she said to me, “Can you believe these people (the current residents) would act this way?” I replied, “Yes, as would I.” Wrong answer. Thank God she wasn’t in charge of my grades for any of my classes. I then made some remark about how if people who want to give freeloaders something that should be earned, then these do-gooders should let these people move into their communities. Wrong answer again. Fortunately, Itkin came out from his makeup room to my rescue, and I went to ask him a few questions.
Yeah, I know. I’m a big ‘ol racist. Sorry folks, but this has nothing to do with race. It has to do with money. If you own a house, chances are it will be the biggest investment of your life. When your neighborhood becomes the focus of a social experiment where people who have not earned the property they were given suddenly get handed the American dream, it’s a sure bet the upkeep of their residence will be less than spectacular. Add a few more houses that will suffer from this condition, and just try to sell your property at the market value you think it’s worth. As a homeowner, I would fight tooth and nail if my local representatives tried that shit on my block. As long as my next-door neighbors don’t have a fleet of cars with cinder blocks as wheels parked out on their front lawn, I don’t care what race they are.
Anyway, the reason for this story is that in case I’m ever in this situation, I’ll simply take the commercial copy from those Hot-lanta race-baiters and reword it to suit my needs.
If this doesn’t work I’ll burn a lower-case “t” on a few lawns, telling them it’s “time to leave.”
Oh, and back to my Itkin story. After I spoke with this guy, I was by an elevator waiting to leave for the night. This makeup chick was waiting by the elevator, too. I was waiting for an elevator going down to the main floor where I would then head out to a nearby local bus stop while she was waiting for an elevator going up to her dorm. We struck up a conversation about Itkin, and this chick began saying what a nice man he was. I added, “too bad he has no chance of being elected.” Befuddled, I was asked why. After explaining to this journalism student several reasons why Ridge would be a two-term governor — 1) Bad campaign strategy, 2) No money, 3) Going against a popular governor — she got a depressed look on her face and said, as the elevator door opened for me, “Oh no, that means four more years of Governor Tom Ridge.” I replied, as the doors began to close, “You’re saying that like it’s a bad thing.” As her jaw dropped and her look of horror turned into a look of disbelief, I gave her a parting wink.
I went two for two that night.
• Here we go again. Another red diaper doper baby telling the rest of the country how their lives should be run … um, actually, I’ve always wondered how blind people figure out what bill denominations they are giving out during a purchase.
• I guess Playstation3s are in such high demand that even cops are killing people to get their hands on these things.
I’m a bit of an odd bird when it comes to my video game history. Hey, what better way to transition into something that could be worth a day’s entry, and maybe more? As a kid, video games were my passion. Well, maybe not my “passion,” but I sure played them enough. Even now I spend way too much time in front of a television or computer monitor killing some demon or scoring a go-ahead touchdown. Well it beats being out on the street causing trouble or spending quality time with the wife. Let’s take a stroll down my video game history, shall we?
The Atari 2600 was my first video game console, and of course I played the hell out of the poor thing. Later on when my first system went to video game heaven, it was replaced by an Atari 7800. However, I don’t recall a single 7800 game purchased other than Xevious. After my 2600 playing days were over, I moved on to the … hey, wait a minute. I still have my 2600/7800 games. What better time than now to look in my Rubbermaid container that’s in the walk-in closet in the room from where I am currently typing and take a trip down memory lane? There we go. Now it’s time to see my Atari 2600/7800 game collection and note that all the money spent on these games could have went to purchase Microsoft stock. I have these games ranked by the company that made them, or something of that nature. You'll figure it out.
Activision Games: Commando (I have two of this title. I must have broken or stolen one of them), Decathlon, Dolphin (more on this one below), Keystone Kapers (I always laughed when I made the cop duck because it looked like he was going to the bathroom; when I got a “best of Activision game” a year or two ago one of the first things I did was play this title and, sure enough, made the cop duck just so it looked like he was pinching a load), River Raid (loved this one, even though I was, and still am, terrible at it).
I have no idea what posse the following games were from. They were funky cartridges that were long, thin and black with a slanted top saying the game’s title. None of these have any artwork. Astroblast, Football, Kool-Aid Man (!), Soccer. Here’s a little more background on the above-mentioned football game. One Christmas my cousin had his uncle figure out how to control his team’s players, and I proceeded to get slaughtered something like 100-0. I got my revenge next year when I learned how to run and pass, but I think that was also the same Christmas when I got the air hockey table and my football glory was short-lived. While playing air hockey, my cousin was cheating (or something) and I was calling him on it. I think our house rules was that a player wasn’t allowed to go beyond the table’s middle stripe, and he was constantly violating this rule. I then proceeded to get yelled at by my mom and aunt for my enforcement of these ever-so-strict guidelines because I was beating him anyway (what I lacked in other facets of my life I more than make up for in air hockey, believe you me). My cousin said something smart-ass to me and I replied, “OK, DICK FACE!” and wailed my air-hockey paddle at him, much to the horror of all the adults that were in the room (except my dad; I think he found the whole thing funny as hell). Memories.
Imagic Games (the ones with a sorta slanted top and this fancy silver label): Cosmic Ark, Demon Attack.
EPYX Games (mostly white labels; I can’t describe these games any further than to point out I didn’t play these titles a lot): California Games, Sea Hunt, Summer Games, Winter Games.
US Games (white background label with a blue background with a white lettering to the cartridge’s top). Eggomania (I can’t begin to describe this one), Gopher, Name This Game (It was a contest and was sorta like a Sea Hunt-type game, only better; you had to fight off a shark that got faster with each passing level and this big, black octopus.)
Other: Amidar (I have no idea what this is but an ape, pig, painter and Indian with a bone in his nose are on the cover; I think I may have been a Pac-Man-like game where you had to fill a screen with something before the bad guys get you), Blueprint (no idea) and this cartridge with the label ripped off. I think it is “Frogger” because I know I had this game and can’t find it elsewhere. Now that I think about it, I know it’s “Frogger” because that game used to piss me off to the point where I got so mad I would take the game out of the console and BITE IT!!! Eventually the saliva dissolved/tore off the game’s label. What in God’s name is wrong with me?
Now time for the basic Atari cartridges: Adventure (you’re a square and have to fear the green/yellow/red dragons, unless you have the sword that looks like "-->"), Asteroids, Battlezone, Centipede (once I found out you were an elf with a hippie wand, my opinion of this game declined; I thought for quite a while you were in some cool spaceship blasting away), Berzerk, Combat, Defender, Donkey Kong, Golf, Joust (one of my favorites), Jungle Hunt, Kangaroo, Mousetrap, Ms. Pac-Man, Pac-Man, Real Sports Baseball, Space Invaders, Superman, Vanguard (I don’t remember much about this game other than it was one of my favorites), Video Pinball, Yars Revenge (loved that cover).
Hey, aside from Xevious I also had Choplifter for the 7800, along with Pole Position (or was it Pole Position II?)
Here’s another memory of the 2600: There were some games where if you got to a certain score you could win a prize if you took a picture of the game with a camera and mail it in. One of these titles was Activision’s Dolphin. As a kid I could never achieve this score (I think it was 100,000). Believe me, this was frustrating, especially since I really wanted that hippie Dolphin patch. Years and years later while a college student I dusted off my 7800 to play some old games. One of these games I put in the 7800 was Dolphin and began playing. And playing. And playing. It wasn’t until I was about 90 percent of the way through the game when I noticed how close I was to accomplishing what I gave up so long ago doing. Then the pressure hit. Although I lost a few dolphins to that bastard squid, I eventually beat the game. The best way I could describe the feeling is to compare it to that day when you are finally able to beat your old man in a one-on-one basketball game. So you’re now better than your father at something you spent years trying to best him at. Big deal. You don’t feel any different and your dad knows his glory days are behind him anyway, so it’s not like he cares much either.
One final note. Just to embarrass myself even more than I already do, I would like to say that I took pride in owning every game that was on the Pac-Man Fever album: Pac-Man, Frogger, Centipede, Donkey Kong, Asteroids, Defender, Mousetrap and Berzerk. And yes, I do remember them in order. However, I didn’t remember the actual titles to all the games, just the games they represented. Now if you will excuse me, I got a pocket full of quarters and I’m headed to the arcade.
I don't know what's worse: The fact I have to do 10 more of these or the fact I've already done 92 of them. Who's left? Who's gong to be placed where? Oh the drama...
kkk's Top 103 Posters
Number 10: Jobber of the Week
What I like about Jobber is that even though he’s for oodles of commie shit, he tends to be more sensible when the socialist utopias (or Michael Savage fans) creep up in his neighborhood. I wouldn’t consider Jobber a limousine liberal because a limo lib would want everyone to drive on solar-powered cars with lawn-mower engines while they fly around on private jets to and from trans-Atlantic weekend getaways. Jobber just doesn’t want the invaders to get driver’s licenses. And if he would be as fiscally responsible in Congress as he says he is at TSM, then I wouldn’t mind if some of his treasonous ideas got through the cracks. Besides, he has posted many a picture that was worth 1,000 posts. This would be the point where I bust out the “Tecmo Bowl’d” graphic, but sadly it’s no more.
6:15 p.m.
• Uh-oh. Didn't we learn anything from the Mohammad cartoons from a while back?
Translation.
* Boy, what is your name?
- My name is Babu.
* It is customary to mention Muhammed before the name.
* What is your father’s name?
- Muhammed Abu
* What’s this in your lap?
- Muhammed cat
You know who really gets pissed when stuff like this happens? Yep.
Jihads for everybody.
6 p.m.
• Oh boy. Time for another crack-whore sister-in-law story. For those not keeping score at home, thanks to a lifetime of doing drugs and abusing alcohol, the crack-whore is now collecting disability and getting free health care, courtesy of our tax dollars. A few nights ago, the crack-whore visits my mother-in-law’s workplace begging for $50 so she can get a sling for her arm, which supposedly had something wrong with it. The mother-in-law kicks her out. The next day, the crack-whore comes in, her arm in a sling, and begs for $50 because her and her boyfriend need gas for the car. When the question of “I thought you needed $50 yesterday for a sling,” came up, the crack-whore’s one remaining brain cell went into overload. And the best thing about all this – she’s in her 40s~!
So the next time some left-wing faggot in Congress starts whining about DRACONIAN cuts against the POOR, just remember: If we don’t keep pouring more money into this Great Society of our, my crack-whore sister-in-law will be sling-less.
7:30 a.m.
• So I get lots of spam at work, and if I'm not being given sales pitches to claim millions in Nigeria then I am being told how I can enlarge my penis. I've shown some of these ads in the past, but once in a while you get a headline/message that's just as funny. Here's one from this morning:
• Yesterday I had a headache, but today was even better. I was at the office from 7 a.m.-3:30 p.m., which is the second consecutive weekend I have come in to work (last Saturday was one of those times, too). Like I have said before, even though the idea of putting in extra time seems like a real chore, I actually revel in it – that is once I drag myself out of bed, shower and drive in to work. Not only do I not have to worry about my idiot bosses or annoying co-workers, but also I get to wear shorts and skip shaving. Besides, thanks to these past two weekends, that four-day mini-vacation coming up on October 6 is looking pretty good. (Provided I stay around that long, but that’s another story for another time; I don’t like putting the cart in front of the horse.) The biggest question facing me today was when I should leave for home. You see, the Steelers were playing in Shittsburgh today, and my drive home would be greatly affected by post-game traffic if I left work too late. I had been paying attention with how the Steelers were faring in their game against the Bengals, and as 3:30 p.m. approached, I was feeling confident that the fans would stay until the game concluded sometime around 4 p.m. After all, the Steelers were ahead – what reason could people have to leave early? Oh, how about the two touchdowns scored off of stupid turnovers that put Cincinnati up 28-17 with nine minutes to go in the fourth quarter? When this dramatic turnaround happened, I got the hell out of there, fearing the gridlock I might be facing if I stayed later. Fortunately, the Steelers had a decent drive shortly after these two Bengal touchdowns and kicked a field goal, putting them within eight points of tying the game. Thanks to the Steelers keeping the game close, I had a smooth commute home. Despite this brief fear of possibly being surrounded by drunk, angry Steeler motorists on the way home from a divisional loss, this Sunday was much less eventful than last week’s, when the better half got into it with our neighbors.
Let me set the scene. It was around 8:30 p.m. and Mrs. kkk was in the cat’s room cleaning out their drinking fountain (we call this the “kids’ room” because this is where their food, water and two of their four litter boxes are placed). Suddenly, there was a lot of commotion coming from outside. For those that remember, our neighbors with the dog that won’t shut up apparently got free from her leash and was running around the neighborhood, stirring up every other canine that lives on our street. Some people were shouting at the top of their lungs for this dog to return home. As the better half looked out the one window to see what the hell was going on, the neighbor’s wife started yelling at her and said, “If you want a show, I’ll give you a show,” and pulled up her shirt. She then gave Mrs. kkk the finger. This should have some interesting developments down the road.
• So a few nights ago I decided to play on-line poker for money. I went to one place, plucked down $50 and went to work. It’s weird that when you’re not playing for fake chips and instead using actual money that you earned those 2-8 off-suite hands don’t look as appealing as they once did. I spent about 5 minutes folding before I got my first winning hand, 6-6. I then started to bluff, raise and call my way to increasing my bank account by a whopping $18 – hey, when you’re playing 50-cent/$1 blinds, you can’t expect to start raking in the six-figure jackpots right away. So with a $50 deposit, I expanded my poker empire to a whopping $68. I was on a hot streak, baby. Nothing could stop me. That was until I went to a table where the people actually knew what they were doing. Five minutes and several hands later my $68 turned to $39; that’s when I knew it was time to take my ball and go home for the night. I still have no clue as to what I’m doing, and I really don’t care either. Just let me have my fun.
• There’s this show on the TLC channel about this family from Arkansas with 16 kids. I thought I couldn’t see anything worse than that until tonight when TLC aired a show featuring a guy with three wives. Jesus Christ, one is bad enough – but three?! Boy did the redneck stereotypes flow freely throughout this bunch. I can’t wait to see how the six or so kids who live in this house turn out (although I think a compound would be a more accurate description of their living residence).
• A few years back I remember a bunch of liberals goofing on Bill O’Reilly for some adult-themed book he wrote called “Those Who Trespass.” It was naughty and supposedly had sex and violence jam-packed throughout this story. I said “supposedly” because I didn’t read this book and I don’t intend to. Not because I’d be offended by the graphic details but rather because I don’t care. Fast forward a few years to the present day. The battle for Virginia’s Senate seat has heated up when the Republican candidate, George Allen, made some RACIST remark to some guy from the other candidate’s staff. It was some goofy word for monkey, or was it “stupid dark person”? Hell, I don’t know, and once again I don’t care. I also heard that there have been some “questions” of Allen hanging a confederate flag 20 years ago or something. Once again, I don’t care. He may have also said the “n” word, too. Ohs nos.
Well now the tables have turned, or somthing. Turns out Allen’s opponent wrote some goofy books years ago and now these books are being used as political fodder. Haha.
But here’s my favorite part.
So Karl Rove wrote these books that are now being used against Webb. Rove must have gotten into his brain and typed out these passages while Webb was under his influence. And Rove also knew all this would happen years before the 2006 election. My n*gga.
• Below are my results from last week’s NFL pickkks.
Carolina at Cincinnati. Correct.
I knew Carolina would be in this game, even if it resulted in a “L.”
Detroit at N.Y. Jets. Correct.
Looks like my Tigers lose/Lions lose theory is bearing fruit. I may go with it again this week.
Green Bay at Miami. Correct.
Woo-hoo. Three-for-three. Wow is Miami laying a dud this year.
Jacksonville at Houston. Incorrect.
Damn. I couldn’t have been the only one wrong in this one.
New England at Buffalo. Correct.
The Pats are riding high, and the Bills are, well, not.
Philadelphia at Tampa Bay. Incorrect.
I thought the Eagles would bounce back from last week’s loss at New Orleans. Guess I was wrong.
Pittsburgh at Atlanta. Incorrect.
The local fans are already throwing Troy Polamalu under the bus for not “containing” Vick in overtime and instead going for the big hit, which he missed, and resulted in an Atlanta first down and eventually the game-winning field goal. Leave a brotha alone. I still can’t believe some of the idiot fans here were expecting this team to contend for another Super Bowl. They got a year older. They played a full-postseason (an extra quarter of a season). They lost some key free agents. And they have played a rough schedule. Granted they should have won at Atlanta, but when you go up against Jacksonville, Cincinnati and San Diego, in the regular season you’re not going to win all three of them.
San Diego at Kansas City. Incorrect.
Shit.
Denver at Cleveland. Correct.
Whenever you have a few picks not going your way you can always count on Cleveland to bail you out.
Arizona at Oakland. Incorrect.
First the Cardinals play good enough to lead the Bears after three quarters, and now they lose to this team? Perhaps Arizona is the worst NFL team this year.
Minnesota at Seattle. Correct.
Boy did Seattle get whipped at home. So much for this being a close Seahawk victory.
Washington at Indianapolis. Incorrect.
I at least thought the Redskins would show up for this one and keep the contest within single digits.
N.Y. Giants at Dallas. Correct.
The fans wanted Tony Romo. They got Tony Romo.
This week’s record: 7-6. Cumulative record: 47-53.
Why is it so much easier to lose ground rather than to make up ground?
• Boy we’re really going to show Zacarias Moussaoui by giving him life in prison. At this point I don’t care – would you expect anything less from a justice system that freed OJ Simpson and gave a sympathetic ear to the Menendez Brothers? Now the judge got real tough on Moussaoui by saying, “When this proceeding is over, everyone else in this room will leave to see the sun ... hear the birds ... and they can associate with whomever they want… You will spend the rest of your life in a supermax prison. It's absolutely clear who won." Oh shut up already. I bet in six months he gets dial-up Internet access, finally going up to broadband in another three. Also, as the years go on, I’m sure there will be civil rights groups out there that will say we’re being too mean on Moussaoui and take up his cause, or some similar bullshit action. Just like many events, time dulls the senses to the point where the public (or some red diaper doper baby judge) decides that the convicted has paid his or her debt to society, and I’m sure Moussaoui will be another example of this sometime down the future.
Now I’m not a huge death penalty fan. The reason for this is because once you flip the switch or insert that needle that’s it. If a witness lied during the convicted’s trial: too bad. If DNA evidence shows that the condemned was innocent all along: oopsie. The fact you can’t make up for someone who was wrongly found guilty once they’re put to death is my only reservation toward capital punishment. Now if you are videotaped killing a convenience store clerk or police officer, then forget the trial; I’ll turn on Ol’ Sparky myself.
If any good can come out of Moussaoui’s trial it is that I hope some people who didn’t know that the jury system is so broken beyond repair know it now. So if these people ever have their life changed forever due to some thug hopefully, if they have the chance, that they take out this piece of shit who committed the crime against them before calling the proper authorities. After all, someone has to do it since a jury won’t have the stones to do it themselves; unless you live in Texas, of course.
• If I hear one more time that an extra year of college cost Matt Leinart $10 million dollars, I’m going to scream. Oh gee, instead of signing up for the NFL Draft last year and getting picked first overall he got to have a year of college that any of us could only dream of. On top of that, he is going to a Arizona Cardinals team that, although horrible, is much more appealing to any quarterback than the San Francisco 49ers. Leinart’s going to be set for life thanks to his NFL career; so what if he missed out on a bigger signing bonus by waiting a year? Normally I support college players that turn professional early. After all, it takes just one blown knee or torn ACL in a collegiate game to have any pro aspirations go up in smoke. However, if a student wants to stay and enjoy his college experience, then that’s his right, too. If you were Leinart, would you have wanted to spend 2005 getting crushed by NFL defenders or to enjoy a final season of college and getting your pick of just about any 18- to 24-year old in the Southern California region? I thought so.
• There is a McDonalds near where I live that just experienced a “drive-thru,” geezer style. This old person plowed into one of those outside play areas that some of the yuppie Golden Arches use to lure in children and their parents. Here is the best part of the article:
And then further down...
I think the “gas pedal got stuck” is the old person’s version of the classic “dog ate my homework."
• This past weekend I got Comcast Digital Cable. Uh, yay, I guess. Basically, Comcast is offering this deal where you get phone service, Internet access and Digital Cable all for one price that saves me more than $50 for the first year and a lesser amount thereafter. As I began playing around with the “On Demand” feature, I went into the section where you can watch free movies. What, you thought I’d actually go into the pay-per-view section? So as I was flipping through the free movies, I noticed that most of these films weren’t, let’s say, the greatest of quality. Not that I’m complaining though, because they are free. Well, they had Men in Black; too bad I own the DVD. Hey, A League of Their Own wasn’t bad for what it was. There was also the first Mad Max movie, which I hadn’t seen before. Look here, it's My Best Friend’s Wedding; I won’t watch it any time soon, but at least it’s a movie that was made within the last 10 years and was reasonably popular at the box office. However, as I looked more thoroughly through over to the “comedy” area, I began to notice a certain pattern of films: Ernest Goes to the Army, Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Africa (!?). Just exactly how many of these Ernest movies were made? I admit watching as a kid Ernest Goes to Camp, and I remember he had some television show, but that’s about the extent of my Ernest knowledge. Just for the hell of it, I headed over to IMDB and looked up a list of Ernest movies/shows”
“Ernest Goes to Camp”
“Ernest Saves Christmas”
“Ernest Goes to Splash Mountain,”
“Hey Vern! It’s Ernest!”
“Ernest Goes to Jail”
“Ernest Scared Stupid”
“Ernest's Greatest Hits Volume 2”
“Ernest Rides Again”
“Ernest Goes to School”
“Slam Dunk Ernest”
“Ernest Goes to Africa”
“Ernest in the Army”
Christ almighty. Who buys this shit?
• Well the better half and I are having a bit of a tiff because she “volunteered” me to help her one friend with the two out-of-wedlock kids move into her newly purchased house. I got to hear this good news at 5:45 a.m. as I was getting ready for work, so needless to say my reaction was less than enthusiastic. I hate moving. I’ve packed my things and headed out for greener pastures five times since 1998, and that is more than enough times for me. However, what pisses me off even more is that her friend doesn’t really do anything with Mrs. kkk unless she needs something. I get that she has two kids and all, but there have been more times than I can count in the past that not only would this girl flake out with scheduled get-togethers, but each time she would never let the better half know she wasn't going to be attending whatever they had planned. And her reasons weren’t because the one kid had to go to the emergency room; it would be because she got drunk with some other people. I'm one of those dolts that tries to keep his word whenever possible, and if I'm unable to make an event I let the host know as soon as possible. I have no problem helping out people I know. Hell, I can do nice things for strangers once in a while, too. But I have a problem with being there for someone who wouldn’t give two shits about your situation should you ever need to rely on them for something. Oh well, at least this will give me some material to use the next 10 times this person screws over the better half and an event she’s planned.
Well it is that time of the year again. For the third or fourth year now I’ve been watching those horror movies AMC plays nonstop for a week plus. I don’t know why I watch these movies, which are edited and watered down, but it’s just one of those things. It’s on. I watch it or have it as background noise. I noticed this year there weren’t as many Friday the 13th movies, and it seemed like the Halloween films weren’t played as much, although it looks like Parts I-V and VIII will be on all day Tuesday. Thanks to this AMC marathon, I finally got around to seeing the first two Hellraiser movies this year. I’m not going to rate these films because I’m sure they are better unedited. Two movies I will comment on though are the Exorcist sequels. I saw the first film a bunch of times, both the theatrical and super-anniversary-deluxe edition with the chick walking down the steps backward on all fours. This past weekend I finally saw the Exorcist II and III on AMC. All my life I kept hearing how the Exorcist II was one of the worst films ever to be created, but I figured what the heck I’ll go watch it anyway. It wasn’t as bad as I’ve heard it was. Granted it wasn’t great, but I wouldn’t say the movie was one of the worst films ever produced. I will say though that the Exorcist III was a nice surprise; I thought this would be the worst of the two, but surprisingly I actually put down the newspaper I was reading at the time and paid closer attention to the two-plus hours this movie lasted. The ending was a bit on the “eh” side, but otherwise I was satisfied with the film.
Now I need the help of, you, the loyal reader. There was another film I watched this weekend “Wolfen,” which was about a bunch of hippie Indian wolves that ate people from the ghetto, but due to urban renewal projects these public housing neighborhoods were being demolished, thus taking away the food supply of these animals. Because I had nothing better to do I decided to watch this. Two-plus hours later, I was all ready for the ending, which was when the dogs were surrounding the main characters. It was at this time that the goddamn phone rang and I missed the last few minutes of this film. When I returned to watching television, I saw the wolves running around with the credits following shortly thereafter. So help me out here – did the wolves eat these people? Did they look at the pesky humans, realize they were white and took off? Were the surrounded protagonists morphed into these animals? There’s no way I’m watching this movie again, so any help on this one would be greatly appreciated.
While I’m on this subject, there was an incident years ago that makes me laugh today. For years I was good friends with this one chick (haven’t heard from her in eight years), and she lived in a trailer minutes away from the college she was attending. No, that wasn’t where she lived full-time; just whenever classes were in session – it was cheaper than an apartment and more comfortable than a dorm. Anyway, for some reason that night we decided to rent Halloween VI, which to this day I still didn’t understand what the hell happened at the end of this movie. After watching the first 10 minutes or so, a picture frame fell in her bedroom, which actually got a jump out of both of us. However, the best part was shortly thereafter when something began thumping up against her trailer’s one side. When we both agreed that this noise was nothing more than a branch, she went to open up her front door to go outside and push aside this obstruction. Right as she turned the doorknob, I screamed at the top of my lungs, “DON’T OPEN THE DOOR!” Her face turned white, and I began laughing hysterically.
5:45 p.m.
• Ohs Nos.
Here's my question. Why would Home Depot take any MoveOn protest seriously? That would be like Ruth's Chris Steakhouse buckling under PETA pressure because its members threaten not to go there for dinner because Sean Hannity pimps the eatery on his radio show. Yeah, Home Depot, cave in to the group that wants to live in grass huts.
• An update on dead neighbors. That guy who I thought was dead a while back is still kicking. I recently saw his television on at 6 a.m. while getting into the car for my morning work commute. However, my next-door neighbor's (the wife of the deceased groundhog killer, for those keeping score at home) cat died. Hey, that kitty was 16 years old and had more energy than my three combined. No complaints about its time on this earth.
• When this story first broke I put my head in the sand. Now hear my warning. Any more articles that begin with...
...will result in me hunting down the so-called journalist that would write this and kill them. That's all.
3 p.m.
• OK, now this is depressing. Late last year I spoke with my former high school teacher after 13 years since my graduation. Turns out some of her students were working on this publication and I assisted her with some things. I just received the book today, and goddamn was this an impressive effort. After a first look-thorough I saw a few faux pas, but nothing serious –– mostly just little inconsistencies that only I would notice. Overall, this was an excellent product, and it made me think back to when I was in high school and my academic achievement –– or lack thereof. Hell, this is the same teacher who once called a work of mine in my 11th grade creative writing contest the most “bigoted thing she’s ever read” and “garbage.” What is this poem you ask? Well, if you remember TSM’s “Get Your Learn On” Folder, you’ll probably remember the poem in question. But it’s now 3 p.m. and time to go home. Developing…
7:30 a.m.
• So the last few years whenever I mowed the lawn I’d bag the clippings and store them in the backyard shed until garbage day, when I’d transport them to the curb. The problem with this is that many times I forgot about them and they would stay in the shed for weeks at a time, depending on the next time I mowed the lawn, opened the shed, and said “shit.” This year I’m trying something different. Instead of the shed, I’m putting the bags in the garage. This way I see them almost every day and I won’t forget about them. There’s only one downside to this: the grass aroma can leave a bit of a stink. However, the minuses outweigh the pluses, in my opinion. Of course, Mrs. kkk doesn’t agree with this and has bitched since the start of the mowing season this year. To shut her up, I went back to putting them in the shed. With all that said, here’s a conversation of our trip to work today.
“Did you take the grass bags from the shed for the garbage?”
“Shit. I forgot.”
“Why did you do that?”
“Because I mowed the lawn last Saturday and forgot.”
“When did you start putting them back in the shed?”
“Because you kept bitching about the bags being in the garage.”
Wedded bliss.
Well yesterday was a joy. As I was finishing up the weeklong task of cleaning up the house, I went into the last carpeted room that wasn’t vacuumed yet. After I sprinkled some carpet deodorizer onto the floor, I noticed that the vacuum cleaner wasn’t picking up any debris. We bought this thing a few months ago and now it’s on the fritz, yippie. After spending 20 minutes trying to figure out how to open it up, I noticed some band was busted/burnt off, which is probably the reason for the machine’s malfunction. Fortunately, I have an extra vacuum cleaner I use for the basement. It’s designed for hardwood floors, so it didn’t work all too that well but it sucked up the carpet cleaning stuff, so now I at least don’t have to worry about the cats rolling around in this shit.
After vacuuming (or at least attempting to vacuum), I went to use the digital camera and that didn’t work. My guess is it needs new batteries, but I don’t recall seeing the “battery low” being displayed the last time I used it. Hopefully, I just need to put in a new set of batteries and don’t have to replace it altogether. Of course there were no batteries in the house, so I had to drive to the Kmart down the street and buy some. Sounds simple, right? Wrong. When I got into my car, the damn thing wouldn’t start; hopefully this vehicle just needs a new battery as well, but who knows? When it rains it pours.
After breaking these three appliances/electronic devices, I watched for the first time “Million Dollar Baby.” I remember when this film came out there was some controversy about its supposedly “pro euthanasia” theme. I didn’t really get that vibe from watching the movie.
I consider myself a “pro-euthanasia” person, but only if that is the final wish of the person dying. In this movie dying was clearly the wish of Maggie Fitzgerald; it’s not like she had an ex-husband who was telling us 10 years ago she told him that she never wanted to live like she was in that hospital. The only two things I got “offended” at in this movie were Maggie’s white-trash family and that boxer who put her in the hospital bed with a cheap shot. It would have been nice to know what happened to her boxing career after committing that sucker punch, but at that point in the movie it really didn’t matter.
I’m not sure if it deserved to win “Best Picture,” because I haven’t seen any of the other nominees for that year, but I don’t think it was filmed to have all of us go to nursing homes and start yanking away life support plugs
After watching “Million Dollar Baby” I did some channel surfing and came across yet another hippie Vh1 Top 40 List. This time it was about the Top 40 Zany Concert Moments Of All Time. Seeing how I don’t go to music concerts, I stayed with this show just to find out what I have been missing all these years. Iggy Pop rubbed peanut butter on himself – wow. U2 got stuck in some huge stage prop – next. Someone dressed up as a frog, played a saxophone and fell in a moat – extreme. However, one entry got my attention, but it wasn’t for what happened at the event. Rather it was for what one person said about the fallout.
The year was 2004 and Linda Ronstadt was doing a Las Vegas show. After going off on a political spiel, which included praising Mikey Moore’s “Fahrenheit 9/11” some people in the audience started booing while others got up and left. Some even, allegedly, started throwing things at Ronstadt. When this was brought up on Vh1, we got to hear the expert testimony of Cindy Lauper compare these actions to a fascist state. *Sigh* Good one, Cindy. And these public figures wonder why many people don’t take them seriously when they try to go off from a script.
I only caught the first 20 of this list of wacky concert moments, but I’m willing to bet that Alice Cooper throwing a chicken out to an audience to be dismembered or Ozzie biting the head off of something-or-other up near the top on this list. I’m sure this list will be televised at least 1,000 before the end of the year, so it’s a good bet I’ll see the Top 20 Zany Concert Moments of all time in the near future.
Well now that I’m in job search mode once again I feel like whipping out an old-school story of one of my previously unsuccessful employment-seeking endeavors (the best time to look for a new job is when you already have one; NEVER just up and quit your place of employment). I had moved to Ohio in August of 2000 and was sending out resumes left and right. I had thought with my previous experience and the fact that I was situated in-between two decent-sized cities – Dayton and Cincinnati – I would be able to get something related to the communications field.
It was early October when I got an interview for a place called Modern Machine Shop Magazine regarding a newly created editorial-type job. I spent a day or two preparing myself for the interview and headed down there on Columbus Day. I had a number of unsuccessful interviews over the last month or two, but I was getting a great vibe from the guy I was talking to at this place. Not only was he easy-going in nature, but also he had no clue as to how anything worked at this place. I was thinking to myself that this job interview could be the one, and then I met these two bitches who were only a few years older than me and who I would be working with at this job. Any mojo I had before meeting these two was immediately vaporized. I could tell right off the bat these two didn’t want to be bothered with me, and words can’t describe how pissed off I was on the drive home.
Over a month went by and I got a follow-up call from Modern Machine Shop Magazine asking if I could go to some shrink they contract to who gives pre-job screening assessments. It was odd that it would take them a month to proceed with this next step, but seeing how I was still unemployed I went ahead with this appointment. Once again, the hands of fate played a cruel trick on me. It turns out that this shrink’s mother had just been sent to the hospital for a serious condition (I think it was a stroke), and I could tell that this guy was in no mood to do his job, and who could blame him? However, that’s no reason to act like an asshole to your subject, which he was with me. Basically, he just asked me why would people hate me (oh, if he only knew), and I could tell he wasn’t listening to half the shit I was saying. This guy then gave me some hippie “test” where I had to check off, in terms of what I agreed with the more, sentences that read. “I like to work with people,” “I work with people I like,” “People like working with me,” “I like people who like working,” “Working people like me,” and so on. Once again, any hopes of getting a full-time job that involved the use of what I had spent four years learning in college was dismissed on my drive home.
Another month and change went by when I got yet another call from Modern Machine Shop Magazine. It turns out these people were still interested in my services. This time I inquired about why there had been such lengthy delays during this job screening process. I was then informed that they had originally offered this job to someone else, and (surprise) the person they wanted to hire was a friend of those two bitches who didn’t want to give me the time of day during my initial interview visit. It turns out the chick they wanted to hire was playing them off of another company and eventually took the other place’s offer. Ironically, the organization she eventually took a job at was the same place who had asked me in an interview I had with them if I would have a problem working in an all-female department. I wonder if they would ask a Muslim or Jew if he or she would have a problem working in an all-Christian department? Better yet, I wonder if they would ask a minority if there will be any problems for them to work in an all-Caucasian division? But this is another story for another time.
So here I was driving back to Modern Machine Shop, where I would meet with the company’s owner and the head editor, who I hadn’t met before. I had the interview of my life, and I knew I had impressed the owner, especially when I indirectly noted that I read the conservative/libertarian magazine National Review (which was intentional on my part because something he had said earlier tipped me off to his reading interests). So after all of this did I end up with the job? Of course not. According to the head editor, a few days after that interview the company ordered a hiring freeze, and I was S.O.L. Was this guy being honest? Who the fuck knows, and who the fuck cares. About a year or so later I was talking with this lady who personally knew some people who worked at this place and mentioned that they were having to lay off some people due to unexpected costs that came with a large loan they had received from a bank (this was also the reason I was given for the hiring freeze). So even if I had gotten this job, I probably would have been pink-slipped shortly thereafter anyway.
So what’s the moral to this story? I don’t know. I was never a believer of fate, but events like what I described above have made me question my previous doubt of the phrase, “everything happens for a reason.” In addition, if you’re reading this entry and currently having difficulty trying to find a job that you want to put those four-plus years of higher education to good use, then take solace in knowing that you aren’t the only person who has experienced the problem of finding steady work related to your college degree. Believe me, I've got a bunch of these stories.
8 p.m.
• LOL Mikey Moore.
That joke writes itself. And he wants media outlets to tell the truth? While we’re on this subject, how exactly is universal health care “free”?
Wait a second, Mikey just said at the end that he doesn’t do taped interviews that can be edited. Oh that’s funny.
• So today I heard on several ESPN shows that one of the big stories of this All-Star Weekend, err, day or two, is Barry Bonds not participating in tonight’s home-run contest. “OMG he owes it to the people in San Francisco fans for their years of blind loyalty,” “OMG he is finally getting into the good graces of the world and he’s ruining it,” “OMG he’s turned his back on the fans yet again.”
Look, I can’t stand Bonds, but he can do whatever the hell he wants – and many times he does just that. Besides, I thought Major League Baseball wanted to distance itself from the roid age? Wouldn’t have The Forehead taking his cuts at Pac Bell Whatever it’s Called Ball Park do just that. Listening to the national sports media tell Bonds what he should do to enhance his image is like having a N.Y. Times columnist give advice to the GOP on what Republicans should do in order to win the next election.
• While on the subject of baseball, for those that like this sort of thing:
• OMG FAUX NEWS LOL20… uh, ah screw it. I’m too lazy right now to think up a nickname for the BBC.
• Damn you global warming.
Of course, this is now why we’re referring to this as “climate change.” That way, they don’t have to worry about the earth getting hot or cold.
• N*gga plz.
If they really wanted to make an impact, they would have hung this mean word from a tree or put it on a burning, wodden, lower-case "t" indicating that it's time for this word to leave.
8:30 p.m.
• Wow, this is just like my "One of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male," only this person did actual research and stuff. Go to the site yourself and click on the links for each story.
8:15 p.m.
• I heard this on the radio this morning.
After doing a quick rundown, I concluded that I could see the Steelers being Number 2. I thought about who would be Number 1, and I was correct (Green Bay). However, Number 3 surprised me -- Cleveland.
Cleveland?
Now I don't go to NFL games, but my guess would have been Seattle. Then again, the last time I went to a professional football game was in 1993.
9 p.m.
• Yet another reason why I don’t want kids. The other day while talking about Swift Terror’s latest download, I made some remark to the better half about keeping kkk Jr. in his crib out in the living room while I played Madden. Her response, “I’d be OK with that.” Oh hell no we’re not having kids.
• Fuck this shit. Blast away, po-pos.
I’m so sick of hearing this shit about “OMG HE DIDN’T HAVE A GUN WHY DID YOU SHOOT?” Don’t want to get shot? When the cops show up and tell you to get on the ground, do that. I know it’s crazy, but try it.
8 p.m.
• I'll take the Cowboys to win by 10+ points.
• Atari Porn. That's all I got to say.
10:15 a.m.
• So the primary car needs its annual inspection along with some brake work. We turned it into the gas station/mechanic’s place yesterday, and I had to wait 10 minutes for the poor cashier to get done ringing up some guy with a shitload of instant lottery tickets. Ugh. I’ve stated several times before that I hate lottery people, especially at a Quickie Mart. The point of a convenience store is to get in and out fast, and wanting to cash in a dozen lottery tickets, along with buying a dozen more, defeats this purpose. It’s like paying for 13 grocery items in a 10-item express lane via check. Oh well. I really wasn’t annoyed by this, but it was sad to see the poor cashier with the deer-in-headlights look because her line was growing due to this douche in front of her hoping to hit it big with government-sanctioned gambling. Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah. So I got the call this morning from the mechanic about the brakes needing replaced, which I figured. It was sad to hear the bracing-for-the-total-cost tone in his voice because I just don’t get how people will flip out over the cost of auto repair. Don’t like the cost? Don’t get the work done at that place of business. The price given to me was fine – my only requirement is that I don’t want to come back for the same problem a week from now. Then I will turn into my asshole state.
• I actually went into this article with a somewhat open mind because I was curious to see how much of a commie Barack Obama was a decade ago.
Oddly enough, many times I don’t care about the “OMG he said this 10 years ago~!” gotcha game. Before he became House Minority Leader in the ‘90s Dick Gephart seemed like a decent enough person. Problem was he was now the representative for all the crackpot liberals so he had to turn up the wacko-notch a bit. Even Al Gore seemed to start off as a conservative Democrat while in Congress before becoming the enviro-weenie he is today. So let’s see what Obama said back in the day.
Whatever. I know the guy’s full of shit, but at least he’s saying the right things to convince the stupid among us that he’d actually be a so-called moderate voice. Hello, what’s this?
You’re blaming a STAFFER for not giving accurate beliefs you are supposed to hold? And you never bothered to correct the record when it went out? Hell, you didn’t even bother to LOOK OVER WHAT THE STAFFER WROTE? OK, I’m done.
It’s that time of the year again. Gas prices are shooting through the roof and Big Oil and their buddies in the Bush Administration are making record profits. You know what’s funny about this whole situation every time the price of fuel goes up? No, it’s not the soccer mom getting mad when filling up her Durango to take the kids to practice. It’s the same greenie weenies that bitch and moan about the cost of gas along with the rest of the masses. If these bitches had an ounce of honesty in them they’d welcome these $3/gallon prices and wish it would rise to the $4-5 range. After all, with a higher cost of fuel, more people would be tempted to take those clean, efficient vehicles that make up the public transportation system. With a higher cost of fuel, more people would be encouraged to buy hybrid cars, or at least shelve those gas-guzzling SUV’s. With a higher cost of fuel other alterative sources of energy would be encouraged even more.
So how come when the cost of gas rises do I not hear these people applaud? Oh, yeah. Halliburton.
It’s times like this that I thank God I no longer work at a convenience store. The wacky hours and crappy pay were bad enough; don't even get me started on the idiot customers (oops, too late). Those patrons were bad enough back when I worked there back in 1996 when gas was 99 cents a gallon; I couldn’t imagine putting up with these assholes now. Christ almighty, back then these people bitched when gas went up to a whopping $1.06 a gallon; I don’t want to know what they are saying now. One thing that has changed from 10 years ago is that many stations now require you to pre-pay; back then it was merely optional, unless it was late at night. I can’t blame the stores – I remember watching a few customers work up $100 bills back when gas was one-third cheaper than it is now.
Drive-offs were always weird for me. Our store was an extremely busy one, and it seemed that most drive-offs took place in the early afternoon, when there wasn’t much traffic. You would think the drive-offs would take place during a busy period, such as the morning or afternoon rush hour commute. Those drive-offs would get me pissed; you bust your ass for 6-7 hours without any theft, but the moment you turn around to do an inventory of behind-the-counter cigarettes, boom. There goes a $25 order.
Even though I had a few drive-offs in my heyday, there were several instances when I caught the bastards that tried to get a free ride. The most memorable one was this crazy broad who came up to my register, threw a bunch of change at me and just walked out. When I asked her where’s the rest of the money, she mumbled something and just casually drove away. I got the bitch’s license plate and called the cops. When the law finally caught up with this fugitive, I heard from a co-worker that this lady’s husband came in and calmly paid the difference – something like $10. Apparently, the woman was a few fries short of a happy meal and has done things like this before. The reason she gave for her exodus? When you need gas and don’t have enough money to pay for your order, gas stations are supposed to give you the fuel for free.
This lady’s car may have had a full tank of gas, but mentally she’s ran on fumes.
8:30 p.m.
• So the fat dyke is mad because the Republican on the show wouldn't defend her blathering?
I care more about making sure all the stool from my browneye is wiped off after taking a crap than I do about anything that goes on the "View," but this is hilarious. Maybe that Hasselbeck chick thinks you are a fucking loon and thus doesn't care what the RIGHT-WING pundits on cable news shows have to say about you. Now I have to go yell at EricMM for not defending me when Jobber of the Week called me a fucking idiot because I said that driving SUVs to the grocery store was great for the environment.
1:30 p.m.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This guy named Pablo gets on the air with his wife and tells the following story. They went to some event that was work-related and went to a bar afterward with some of his co-workers. His wife can’t find him for an hour, and when she finally sees Pablo, he’s with some chick who gives him a hug and kiss on the cheek. Pablo says this lady is a client of one of his co-workers, and although he has a clear recollection of that night’s events he can’t remember why she hugged/kissed him and what he was doing for that hour when he was M.I.A. He also doesn't understand why his wife, the mother of his kid, is upset. Oh, Pablo.
8:30 a.m.
• And to think the Steelers don't even hire cheeleaders.
7 a.m.
• Uh … OMGWESTCOASTBIAS~?
Don’t care. I know Boston tanked their games at the end to get a better chance at the draft's top pick, so payback’s a bitch (not sure how Memphis, Portland and Seattle played down the home stretch). Who do I take: Oden or Durant. Christ, I don’t know. I don’t watch college basketball unless it’s in late March, I hope everyone that gets drafted makes lots of money. So there.
• I watched the first period of the Wings/Ducks game last night, and wow were there quite a few empty seats, much like there was back in Game 4. I remember a while Bill Plaschke said on Around the Horn that the L.A. Times were no longer assigning someone to a Anaheim Ducks beat, and now I understand why.
10 a.m.
• So guess what was the Evening Daily Number for Illinois the day after Osama was elected?
I'm not making this up.
I'm pretty sure this happened in Pennsylvania after Fast Eddie got re-elected in '06. I'll have to search for this later.
7 p.m.
• Oh hell no.
You cunts had your chance when she was a running mate. Now you all can go fuck yourselves. The only exception to this is The View's Elizabeth Hassleback. Have a one-on-one with her on your show, but just keep the feminazi bitches out back.
10 p.m.
• So there's this McDonald's that is somewhat near me and unless I'm REALLY craving something from that place I tend to stay away due to the pisspoor service. And by pisspoor service I mean waiting 20 minutes for food. However, I went in today with my fingers crossed. Wasn't that bad a wait for this store's standards, but the highlight of the trip came when I saw this box near the condiment stand. The box was for some food pantry, and the hand-written message said, "Donate a canned good and get a free DERSSERT coupon."
Oh how sometimes I wish I had a camera phone.
3 p.m.
• I'm sure there's an EricMM joke to be made here, but I'm in a hurry so I'll leave it up to your imagination.
At least the Nazis made lampshades from recycled material.
• Well, I haven’t checked out what the NBA has been up to in a while. Might as well see who is where in the standings. Atlantic Division: Hey, there’s a team over .500, and it’s Toronto. The Knicks are only six games below the mediocre mark, and the Celtics … well, I knew they had a long losing streak, which is a shame because I liked their head coach Doc Rivers as a player – I haven’t followed his coaching career that close. Central Division: Detroit is tops in the conference. For that meltdown of theirs in the playoffs last year against Miami, and with Ben Wallace leaving for the Bulls, they are doing pretty darn well. Cleveland is the number two seed (in record); now will they go farther in the postseason this time?Chicago is doing pretty well, I guess. Southeast Division: Wasn’t Orlando in first place? Now it’s Washington? Doesn’t matter, Miami is starting to play well, even with Wade out. There’s Orlando … as the number 8 seed? And the Hawks aren’t in last place? Northwest Division: Utah is in first, has a 42-19 record and is seeded fourth in the Conference. Meanwhile, their .689 winning percentage is better than Detroit’s .627. Looks like that AI/Anthony combo isn’t doing so well. Eh, they have the seventh seed and probably weren’t going to go that far anyway in the West. I’ve been hearing how the Timberwolves have been wasting Kevin Garnett’s career, but considering he signed a $100+ million contract, I really don’t care. Portland and Seattle, eh. Pacific Division. Phoenix is doing good, as usual, and I hope they win it all, only because this might make more teams aim for a run ‘n gun style of play. I don’t think they’ll get past Dallas, though. There’s Kobe and the Lakers 14.5 games back followed by the Clippers – they did good last year and now they’re an eighth seed. Interesting. Well, not really, but you know what I mean. Pacific Division: Dallas is 51-9 – didn’t they lose their first four games of the season? Wow. San Antonio is having a great year and Houston is playing .600 ball. New Orleans and Memphis, eh.
• While I’m on the subject of basketball, I remember a while back Tracy McGrady made some remarks about how he wouldn’t feel comfortable in New Orleans should the NBA have an All-Star game there next year.
I remember the Around the Horn guys scolding T-Mac for this. Yeah, how dare McGrady say that New Orleans isn’t safe. I’m siding with McGrady on this one. I remember a while back he missed some important games because he was expecting the birth of his child. More power to him. I forget who it was, but at least one panelist said that McGrady should hire personal security guards and go to New Orleans. Fuck that. If he doesn’t want to go, then don’t go. Just … sprain your ankle a few days prior to the event.
• Well, it’s time to go to this wedding thing. Should be back Saturday night. I’m not sure if my friend’s family is somewhat normal or white trash like mine, so I doubt there will be any worthwhile stories to tell.
7:30 p.m.
• So sfaJack is having to do some painting or whatever because the Cubs lost. It's amazing what our better halves want to do with the places they live at. Like I said the other day in my entry about those people buying houses just to tear half of it down, why bother? I remember when house-shopping with Mrs. kkk I wanted to do the least amount of renovating possible due to being a lazy bastard. Well, when we settled on our house I was quite glad the amount of refurbishing was minimal. We got new carpeting for the upstairs, but that shit needed a face-lift. Otherwise, I've done jack shit. Mrs. kkk on the other hand...
The highlight of her meddling came regarding our first-floor bathroom. I've mentioned before that she repainted this room from a pleasing brisk blue to a shit brown, and she did this when I was out of state for a few days on business. Of course she didn't get the project complete, so imagine my pleasant surprise when, after driving 5+ hours and having to take a monster poop, I ventured in the house and saw plastic all over the place and a ladder in the middle of the bathroom's walkway. Thank God for upstairs toilets. Oh, and here's said bathroom.
Now why would some do such a thing? One reason was so it would match our towels~! The second was so she could stencil this shit on the wall.
I may have talked about this before, but the search function is busted. If you heard this story already, blame Mole.
Why do I have no desire to make home improvements? I said above that I’m lazy, but there’s some probably some childhood trauma I have to consider, too. When I was a kid, my parents bought some big-ass three story house that my dad said they couldn’t afford. My mom busted out the tears and they got the house. I was a kid at the time, but this house needed a shitload of work, and boy did my old man work on this residence. I remember him remodeling the third floor and doing a bunch of stuff with paint, wires and other stuff that’s found inside of walls. What was his reward for all this? A divorce that saw my mom sell the house. Ouch.
11:45 p.m.
• Some of this stuff made me chuckle. That's all I got. Just Google the headline if you want a source.
11:a.m.
• So four years ago when W. got re-elected a bunch of commie queers decided to take pictures of themselves with messages saying "I'm Sorry" to the rest of the world for who won the election.
This of course brought on the other side with a bunch of "I'm Not Sorry" pictures and hilarity ensued. Why am I talking about this? Because here we go again:
Oh, but wait, now we're all supposed to come together and circle-jerk:
And "my side" is engaging in this happy horseshit as well:
Awwwww...
...that just makes me want to...
...want to...
...want to...
WANT TO GAG~!
Yeah, I bet there would be all this "come together" garbage if McCain would have won instead of Osama. I'm sure all you 52ers would be going "Now's the time to come together" and other Koom-bay-ah shit.
But even though I QUESTION MY LEADERS IN WASHINGTON because I'm a PATRIOT, I guess I could give this "come together" pseudo-unification a try. Here we go...
Sorry, but Max isn't much into bipartisanship.
However, Max is one hell of a PATRIOT~!
• While I'm on the topic of QUESTIONING OUR LEADERS IN WASHINGTON, I also feel it's my PATRIOTIC DUTY to question our leaders in Medium-Large Media. With some reporters literally breaking down in tears on Election Night in joy of who won, will these protectors of the Fourth Estate be barred from any future relations with this administration? I think any journalistic credibility they possessed has just been flushed down the toilet, if it hasn't been already.
And haven't you been doing everything you can to make "this new presidency work" for the last year-plus?
And what's better than the video, the comments:
From Wiki, and my own memory:
OMGFAUXNEWSLOL19926~!!!!!!
Hey, Chris, you know how to make a new presidency work? YOU QUESTION THEM. Why? It's your PATRIOTIC DUTY. Oh, and you also remove the first letter of the President-Elect's middle name from all keyboards on Capitol Hill. That brings people together as well.
6 p.m.
• So Shittburgh's local left-wing rag's Sunday edition has yet another literary masterpiece from its editorial section. This time it's about gunz! The same topic I spoke about yesterday.
Listen up you ivy-tower fuckheads. Want to know the reason why some people are buying up firearms? It's because that U.S. Supreme Court case you point out in your piece of shit editorial passed with a 5-4 decision. That means all it would take is one additional red diaper doper baby to be appointed for this to go the other way. Odd how you didn't bother to mention this. Oh, and Osama IS ANTI-GUN. I know it's hard for you to see this since you're on your knees slobbing his knob, but that's why you have PATRIOTS like me QUESTIONING OUR LEADERS.
And speaking of questioning our leaders, I have to seriously question the judgment of Mr. Osama once I read this:
OMG, W. uses hand sanitizer. Yeah, because it's not like he doesn't shake many hands throughout the day. (Hmmm, "not"/"doesn't" -- does that double negative cancel out? Who knows, who cares.) Hell, I bet if W. didn't use hand sanitizer and Osama ended up with the sniffles a day later he would write in his memoirs that GEORGE W. BUSH TRIED TO KILL HIM WITH BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS~!
Just like the lemmings that stand there awestruck when you are reading from a script? But wait, there's more.
Boy, that's a good thing to know. Hey, what's this?
First he mocks the wife of a dead president, now he's offended by basic hygiene. I wonder if he's going to wash his hands after his last shit leading up to Inauguration Day? If not, I sure wouldn't want to be the next President to put his/her hand on that Bible. (I was going to make a "maybe he'll use a Koran instead" remark, but I'm doing my best to be bipartisan in these uncertain times.)
If questioning your leaders in Washington makes you a traitor, then call me Benedict Arnold.
I’ve been on a customer kick as of late, so I might as well keep the trend going. Now normally bitching about stupid customers is what many former customers service representatives remember during their time at these go-nowhere jobs, but that isn’t always the case. I think one problem many customers have is that they always seem afraid to admit when they’re wrong or when they fuck up. One of my favorite customer exchanges came while working at the Quickie Mart. The store had an ATM and one afternoon a middle-aged woman went to use the services of this machine, which was one of those that you only had to swipe your card through rather than insert it into the machine. For some reason I caught the end of her transaction, and once her receipt was spit out she stood there in bewilderment for a few seconds. She then turned around to me and said, “The machine ate my card!” I replied, “No it didn’t.” When she asked, “How do you know?” I answered, “Because it can’t” and pointed to her one hand. It was at that time she looked down and saw that she was holding her ATM card. Now while many customers would probably get pissed off at this point, seeing how the lowly cashier had just “dissed” them, this lady just busted out laughing and did a variation of the “whoosh” gesture with her hand and the top of her head and left. If only more customers were like that. We all do dumb things every now and then, and if you can’t laugh at yourself then you can’t laugh any other people.
On the flip side of this spectrum are the asshole regular customers. There were many at the Quickie Mart, but one that really sticks out was “One and One Man.” This miserable old bastard always came in and would order a small coffee and a newspaper. Since a small coffee and newspaper was something like one dollar and change he would always walk by a register, say “one and one” and toss the money on the counter and proceed to make a fucking mess of sugar and creamer juice by the coffee station. Now all of this was tolerable enough, but one time he pissed me off for what he did to a co-worker of mine. To say that this kid was portly would be an understatement; he was a big boy. However, he was a nice guy, but for some reason customers always gave him shit; probably because of his girth or something equally lame. Well one day One and One Man came up to his register with just a coffee, and this kid asked him, in a polite and courteous way, “Did you already buy your newspaper today?” One and One Man snippily replied, “Did you eat?” which I managed to hear. This pissed me off, and the stare I shot at him from the time he said that until he walked out the door made him aware that I heard what he said. For the next week or two I was a bastard (well, at least more than I usually was) to One and One Man. I didn’t say anything to him, but rather I would just accept his money and return change in the same manner he would behave toward us who worked at the Quickie Mart. One Saturday morning he threw his money at me for his “one and one,” and I proceeded to throw his change right back at him, turn my back and walk away in one swift motion. He then began screaming and my co-worker (a different chick from my 8/28 entry) had to play damage control, which was nothing new considering she was the “good half” to our morning tandem. Of course One and One Man would return and return again, and I don’t think I ever said anything to him. Hopefully he’s dead by now.
• And now for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this): Some lady phones in and wants to know … actually, I don’t really know the reason for her call. All I was listening to was how she was unemployed and that she never gets along with the upper management at any of her places of employment. The problem, according to her, was the lack of support her bosses gave her when it came time to “back her up” with the employees she was supposed to supervise. You go girl. It sucks having to supervise people you had no part with during their hiring process. And yes, most upper managers are spineless, but that’s why they make the big bucks. However, when asked how many jobs she had worked the caller replied, “Three jobs in four months.” Goddamn, even I’m not that big of an insubordinate.
