3 p.m.
• I'm sure there's an EricMM joke to be made here, but I'm in a hurry so I'll leave it up to your imagination.
At least the Nazis made lampshades from recycled material.
• Well, I haven’t checked out what the NBA has been up to in a while. Might as well see who is where in the standings. Atlantic Division: Hey, there’s a team over .500, and it’s Toronto. The Knicks are only six games below the mediocre mark, and the Celtics … well, I knew they had a long losing streak, which is a shame because I liked their head coach Doc Rivers as a player – I haven’t followed his coaching career that close. Central Division: Detroit is tops in the conference. For that meltdown of theirs in the playoffs last year against Miami, and with Ben Wallace leaving for the Bulls, they are doing pretty darn well. Cleveland is the number two seed (in record); now will they go farther in the postseason this time?Chicago is doing pretty well, I guess. Southeast Division: Wasn’t Orlando in first place? Now it’s Washington? Doesn’t matter, Miami is starting to play well, even with Wade out. There’s Orlando … as the number 8 seed? And the Hawks aren’t in last place? Northwest Division: Utah is in first, has a 42-19 record and is seeded fourth in the Conference. Meanwhile, their .689 winning percentage is better than Detroit’s .627. Looks like that AI/Anthony combo isn’t doing so well. Eh, they have the seventh seed and probably weren’t going to go that far anyway in the West. I’ve been hearing how the Timberwolves have been wasting Kevin Garnett’s career, but considering he signed a $100+ million contract, I really don’t care. Portland and Seattle, eh. Pacific Division. Phoenix is doing good, as usual, and I hope they win it all, only because this might make more teams aim for a run ‘n gun style of play. I don’t think they’ll get past Dallas, though. There’s Kobe and the Lakers 14.5 games back followed by the Clippers – they did good last year and now they’re an eighth seed. Interesting. Well, not really, but you know what I mean. Pacific Division: Dallas is 51-9 – didn’t they lose their first four games of the season? Wow. San Antonio is having a great year and Houston is playing .600 ball. New Orleans and Memphis, eh.
• While I’m on the subject of basketball, I remember a while back Tracy McGrady made some remarks about how he wouldn’t feel comfortable in New Orleans should the NBA have an All-Star game there next year.
I remember the Around the Horn guys scolding T-Mac for this. Yeah, how dare McGrady say that New Orleans isn’t safe. I’m siding with McGrady on this one. I remember a while back he missed some important games because he was expecting the birth of his child. More power to him. I forget who it was, but at least one panelist said that McGrady should hire personal security guards and go to New Orleans. Fuck that. If he doesn’t want to go, then don’t go. Just … sprain your ankle a few days prior to the event.
• Well, it’s time to go to this wedding thing. Should be back Saturday night. I’m not sure if my friend’s family is somewhat normal or white trash like mine, so I doubt there will be any worthwhile stories to tell.
6:30 p.m.
• So I was never a huge AMG fan, although "P-Funk" has got to be one of my all-time favorite tracks because it used polka music used in this brief selection (still trying to find it on YouTube, but click here for an audio sample). However, what makes this great isn't the song, but rather the video and the comments that followed. Someone got served.
-- nice shit rip the great easy e
-- nice video
-- i luv this song
-- this is amg!!!
-- Good song, but not EAZY-E, check your facts. This is AMG, check wikipedia fool.
-- this aint eazy-e punk! its AMG
-- Dude this is eight ball and AMG who did this track, not eazy e
-- this is not easy e it is AMG you dumb fuck.
-- We al do know that's not Eazy E Rappin, right? RIGHT?!?!?! It's AMG From Quiks crew......Might want to change the title.
-- You stupid? It's not Eazy E, It's AMG, why do you think it's eazy e?
-- thats dj quik
-- You do realize this isn't an Easy-E song right? It's AMG, that's why he mentions DJ Quik. AMG is the artist. I love Easy-E tho, but you put up a song that aint even Easy-E's...uhh...ya. -w-
-- good ass song classic
-- AMG does this song.
-- Nice but its AMG
-- This song is by AMG, not Eazy-E.
-- Great song from AMG - not Eazy E.
-- was Eazy e really a part of AMG?
-- hi there love this song!
-- dude it's not eazy-e song...is by AMG..
-- its amg retard
-- man! only 3 comments that didn`t mensioned that it`s not eazy rappin
-- thats amg wit dj quick u fucken retard!@#!#!#!@#!# haha and u made all pictures of eazy e hahaha mental bitchhhhhhhhhhhhh
-- i love and my bitch ass mom better have my money
-- AMG
-- What the hell, This is AMG not Eazy-E! It's from the album "Bitch Betta Have My Money"
-- AMG not Eazy E
I love bosses. Especially the ones that don’t know what the fuck they are doing.
I have been at my current place of employment for more than two years. When I first started working, I was told that I had pretty much a flex schedule, meaning that as long as I put in 40 hours a week, eight hours a day, I was in the clear. Fair enough. Now this job is about 25-30 miles from my house, and I have to brave two Interstates in order to travel to and from my job. I soon found out that an 8:30 a.m.-5 p.m. shift was going to involve a shitload of traffic. I then asked if it would be OK if I came in earlier. I was told that would be fine. After testing out what traffic is like early in the morning, I settled on working a 6:30 a.m.–3 p.m.
Working this schedule is good because not only do I avoid the early morning jams, but also coming home isn’t nearly as bad as it would be if I was out on the road at 4:30 p.m. Well, even though I got my work shift OK’d by people much more powerful than me, and even though there are two other co-workers who work the same hours I do, and have had their schedule for years, everybody is shocked when they call my office at 3:05 p.m. and I don’t answer because I’m in the car heading home.
I have worked this shift for two years now. There is no surprise to when I come in and when I leave. Now it’s bad enough when my one idiot boss decides to give me assignments to do at 2:50 p.m., but every couple of months we have a bunch of meetings that are scheduled for out-of-town representatives. Every three months a bunch of people come in from out of state and spend the day in meetings with us. There’s one meeting that I have to attend, and it’s funny because for the first year I worked here I didn’t come to these meetings. The reason? Nobody told me I was part of the meeting. However, what’s funnier is that this one meeting that I have to attend is ALWAYS schedules for 2-3 p.m., and it is always at least an hour long. I’m also never told ahead of time when these meeting are scheduled. Normally I really wouldn’t care about being out of the loop, but the problem is that I carpool with the better half, so whenever these meetings come around she has to find another way to get home.
Well today was a fun day. When I found out this morning that my meeting was at 2:30 p.m. I called the better half and she made other arrangements to get home. I then sat at this 90-minute meeting and afterward did some work that was asked of me by some out-of-town reps. A workday that normally ends at 3 p.m. was extended three hours, which is fine for me because that means three hours of comp time.
This is why I like working for an hourly rate. Sure getting a salary may seem more ‘professional” but if you get paid by the hour, you have a much better opportunity to resist getting buttfucked by your employers on time worked. I strongly recommend to anyone employed in the white-collar world to not only keep a log of when you arrive and leave your job, but to also keep a journal of what you do while on the clock. I know already that when I submit my timecard on Monday I’m going to be questioned about the extra hours I’ll have written down. Hey dipshit, I leave at 3 p.m. The meeting ended at 4 p.m. and then I was asked to burn several CD-ROMS, make 400 copies of a double-sided brochure, send off several e-mails containing attachments, make a few phone calls and update several web pages. You think I did all that shit for free just because I normally go home at 3 p.m.? Kiss my ass. I learned my lesson six months into this job when I spent about a week out of state on work-related matters. I busted my ass for 16 hours a day, waking up at 6 a.m. each morning and working into to middle of the night. When I got back, I requested to use some of the time I “banked” to move into the house that was recently purchased by the better half and me. You would have thought I said I wanted to fuck my boss’s wife with the reactions I got.
“Oh, really. Now what makes you think you deserve those three days off?”
“Because I worked 14-16 hours/day for four days, and you said I could bank these hours.”
“Oh really now?”
You fucking asshole.
Ever since then, I’ve kept a journal of what I do and when I arrive and leave work. It’s funny now when they ask me about what they think is a discrepancy on my timecard and then I whip out several sheets of documented sheets explaining what I did during my time for that day. After a few incidents, they have pretty much left me alone, but even when you think you are in the clear, it’s still wise to keep your journal because you never know when they’re going to try and Jew you out of some work time.
I should have learned my lesson when I was a high school puke working at Burger King and got screwed at that place, but that’s another story for another time.
9:30 p.m.
• This might be fun. How do I compare with the rest of the world in terms of technology use and acceptance?
I’m sure the “creatively” part could be up for debate, but due to what you’re reading now I guess I’m one of these.
I annoy people on AIM and use e-mail for work a lot, but I'd still put me in the group above over this one.
I guess, but I don't visit TSM as a job necessity. Well, I go on TSM during work hours, but I do so for different reasons.
Hmm, I guess it depends on your definition of “thrilled.” I like e-mail, AIM and the Internet in general. However, I don’t wank to the newest edition of Instant Messenger. I also have no use for text messaging and don’t own an iPod. Guess I'm an Omnivore.
Sadly, I think I may be falling into my niche due to the fact I think texting is retarded. I also don’t have a cell phone. Nobody calls me on my land-line phone, so why should I bother with another way for people I don’t want to talk to bother me? I can’t wait to see what comes down the pipeline in the years ahead, just so I can bitch and moan while saying, “Back in my day we only had cable high-speed connections … and we liked it!”
6:30 p.m.
• So there I was Sunday morning with ESPN’s “Sports Reporters” on as background noise when I heard one putz (Mitch Albom) complain about the Detroit Red Wings having to play in the Western Conference, thus making their playoff games come on late at night. As long as I can remember, the Wings have been a “Western Conference” team. Back when I was growing up they shared a division (Norris?) with teams from Chicago, St. Louis and Minnesota. So let’s see who they share a division with now.
Central Division: Nashville, St. Louis, Columbus, Chicago.
Hmm, fair enough. But why are they in the WESTERN Conference? After all, Mitch said that Detroit is a more eastern/central city. Well, let’s see how many teams are to the east of Motown in the NHL’s Eastern Conference.
New Jersey -- East
Shittsburgh -- East
New York -- East
Philadelphia -- East
Buffalo – East
Ottawa – East
Montreal – East
Toronto – East
Boston – East
Atlanta – East
Tampa Bay – East
Carolina – East
Florida – East
Washington, DC – East
Yeah, I don’t know why the Red Wings play in the West. No clue at all.
What a fun couple of days the weekend turned out to be.
Friday: Water main break caused my block to go without H20, except for the few times brown liquid came out of the tap. Oh well, at least it gave me an excuse to stay home from work.
Sunday morning: After getting last week's edition of the Shittsburgh Tribune-Review, I went out there Sunday morning only to find my newspaper box empty. Like a good little customer, I phoned in to inform them of my lack of a newspaper. I was then told that one would be sent out to me. A few hours went by and nothing. I get a phone call at around noon asking if I received a paper yet. Once again the answer was "no." I was then told that one would be sent out. I'm still waiting. On the bright side, when I bitch to them today about this maybe they'll get me another discount on a publication that never gets delivered to my house. And this week had the P&G special coupon insert, too.
Sunday night/Monday morning: In the kkk bedroom we have a 27-29-inch television on an unenclosed stand. At about 3 a.m. I was awakened to the sound of scratching. Now, if JJ wants fed he usually messes with the closet door, resulting in a banging sound and also resulting in a few squirts of water from a bottle on my nightstand. However, this sounded different. The noise was coming from the TV stand. I figured it could have been from one of the kids playing with some wires over there, but something didn't sound right. The noise was too loud for that, especially since there's only one wire that they can get to and the noise wouldn't be that loud. Suddenly, I realized that something wasn't right, and it was at that time I heard a crashing noise that woke up the better half. The television fell off the stand onto the floor. Yippie. Our first thought was concern because we didn't want to have anyone squashed by this fallen appliance. However, I figured if that was the case there would have been a scream or yelp. Nevertheless there were a few tense moments when lifting up the TV set from off the floor. When the drowsiness wore off, it was time to do a head count of the three kids. Dessa was lying on the bed, which is normal considering she sleeps with us a lot. I went out into the living room and saw JJ walking around with his eyes half open. Had he been involved in any of this his tail would be puffed out and he'd be hiding someplace. Finally it was time to look for Max. He usually hangs out on the second floor, and when I went into the spare bedroom up there, there he was huddled at the bottom of that room's television stand with a guilty look in his eyes.
In an attempt to re-create the events of this evening, the best I can guess is that Max was trying to get up on the one windowsill. Now he usually just jumps up on the one sill from our bed, but since Dessa was taking up residence and doesn't hold Max in high regard, I think he was trying to find an alternate way up there. I also think the scratching I heard was him clutching onto some little vent thingys that are on the back part of the television when he lost his footing. Because the back part of the TV is sloped, I'm sure his movement back there propelled the set to the floor. Hopefully, the television is a total loss, but if it is, oh well. It could have been a lot worse.
Oh, and for someone who gets up at 5 a.m., this early wake-up call wasn't a good start to the workweek. However, after arriving at work I learned that my one asshole boss will be out for the week, so woo-hoo.
kkk's Top 103 Posters
Number 23: Bored
He’s got a hard-on for win shares, and a fiending for punishment, seeing how he has organized a TSM pick ‘em college football contest for the last few years. I was in on this action last season and did fairly well, even though I had no clue as to what I was doing. (But when is that ever not the case?) In the end I wound up getting sodomized by Kotz in the Meow Mix Pussy Bowl – oh, yeah, and Kotz correctly predicted more games during Bowl Week than I did. I should be sad that I didn’t win the title, not to mention the $50 grand prize, but considering Division I college football has no postseaon and thus produces no real champion, I guess we are all winners in the end. Talk about a self-esteem boost.
And now a word from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
• Once again, the GOP has its head up the elephant’s ass.
You want this guy out? Do everything you can to keep him in Congress! Let him parade in front of the cameras saying he did no wrong even though he has thousands upon thousands of dollars stashed away in refrigerators. OMGCULTUREOFCORRUPTION~!
• So the better half’s one friend has a kid who said that he was going to “cut her up with his saw.” He’s four. I like this chap.
• Man, this brought back one heck of a memory.
When I was doing this “driving school” shit, I was picked up one day by the instructor and this chick from another school. As we turned out onto this one road at a three-way intersection, the chick ended up in the wrong lane with a big-rig coming right at us. For some reason, I dove to the other side of the back seat (like that would have accomplished anything) while the instructor grabbed the steering wheel and put us back on course. Years later, my one friend told me that this guy said to my friend’s class that I was the worst driver he ever instructed. Was my friend serious? I don’t know. But then again why would he make this up? (He said that the instructor's biggest peeve was that I never braked when approaching stoplights and stop signs, which is odd because I've got seniors flipping me off due to my slow driving and gradual braking.) Well, it’s been 15 years since I got my license and I’m still accident-free (there’s been a few bumps, but nothing has been reported to insurance). Fuck you, Mr. Ptchak. Actually, there was one accident, but when you’re parked at a gas station, and the Silverado in front of you doesn’t want to way two minutes for her turn to fill up and suddenly peels out in reverse and smashes into your in-law’s car, there’re really nothing you can do about that.
1 p.m.
• Scooter Libby got sentenced to 30 months.
Whatever. The whole story is stupid. Didn't follow it. Don't care. This got me thinking though –– I wonder what the big OUTRAGE will be when W. makes his end-of-term pardons? Will it be someone from Halliburton? Big Tobacco? Someone from the Weekly Standard? We only have 18 more months to wait.
• While I’m on the jailbird topic, I don’t have much to say about Paris Hilton and her hard time.
I’ve defended Paris on a number of occasions. No, I’m not hoping for a hummer in return for my loyalty –– I just don’t hate her like how other people do. She’s rich and a ditz. She made her fortune with goofy reality shows and made her fame with dirty videos. Although I doubt she can name her Congressional Representative, I’m sure she’s keener than most people think she is. However, I’m not going to say, “OMG she should be set free.” This jail term stems from her driving under the influence, and I only thank God for her sake that nobody was hurt in her recklessness.
• If you read the crap I type at this place for any length of time, chances are you know for the most part where my political loyalties reside. Well despite all the negative press surrounding the GOP, there's one weapon the Party of the Jackass can't counter: Karl Rove. Karl Rove is my hero. Karl Rove has super powers. Karl Rove can suppress votes from urban districts in a single bound. And now my confidence is running at a high that hasn't been seen in months, thanks to this article. Here's how the story starts off:
And just why is Karl Rove upbeat? A few paragraphs down we get the answer...
While this may seem like an unflattering description of Karl Rove's state of mind, you have to read in-between the lines. It helps if you're a Party Ideologue like me and have your Karl Rove Decoder Ring. Look closer:
The voting machines are going to be rigged. I love you, Karl Rove.
• Speaking of Karl Rove, is it any coincidence that right after the Mark Foley scandal, the original "Mark Foley," former Masshole congressman, and same-sex page boinker extraordinaire, Gary Studds just bit the big one? (Please note I'm talking about death and not about some well-endowed intern.) Anyone care to wager on who made the arrangements to off this guy? That's right. I love Karl Rove almost as much as I love Halliburton.
• There's a reason I don't read so-called humor columns. Because many times straight-news stories carry more hilarity than a month's worth of Dave Barry essays. I bet Karl Rove was behind this, too, just as a warning to this girl's parents as to how they should vote in the upcoming election.
My favorite part of the article; a quote from Ms. Wilson.
And what about the Secret Service people that grilled her?
I'm not dangerous. I mean, look at what icon is in my entry _ it's a . I'm a very peace-loving person.
• Oh, yeah. My NFL picks for this week.
(1.5) Buffalo at Detroit
I say the Tigers reaching the World Series will fire up the Lions and lead them to victory -- or at least a one-point loss.
Carolina at Baltimore (3.5)
I heard Dan Morgan is out for the year. I like Dan.
(6.5) Cincinnati at Tampa Bay
Cincy will take their aggressions out on the Bucs.
Houston at Dallas (13.5)
Dallas will take their aggressions out on the Texans, and T.O. will take his aggressions out on the Cowboys' receivers coach.
N.Y. Giants at Atlanta (3.5)
I'm hoping my support of the Va-giants will result in a loss for the boys in blue.
(3.5) Philadelphia at New Orleans
For some reason this game has "letdown after a big win" vibe to it, but I'll still go with the favored team.
(3.5) Seattle at St. Louis
The Seahawks have been at the top of the NFC West mountain for a while now; until they get de-throned, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt.
Tennessee at Washington (10.5)
The Titans lost by one point last week when the other team was favored by double digits. I am hoping this is the start of Tennessee losing a bunch of close games.
Kansas City at Pittsburgh (6.5)
Man, if the Steelers lose this week, I'm going to avoid all local sports talk for the rest of the regular season.
Miami at N.Y. Jets (2.5)
I find it funny that a pre-season Super Bowl contender now has the Jets being favored over them.
(10.5) San Diego at San Francisco
Another bad team Philip Rivers can fine-tune his skills with.
Oakland at Denver (15.5)
For the last few years, every time I thought Oakland might make a divisional game close I have been burned.
(11.5) Chicago at Arizona
Uh-oh. I have the Bears for this game. Something tells me their winning streak is in jeopardy.
10:15 p.m.
• So I had the Pitt/Navy game on for a bit tonight. My God how does Lou Holtz have a broadcasting job? And how can executives listen to him and think, "yeah, people would want to hear this"? He could get shit-faced before going on-air and you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. How could his players take anything he said seriously?
7 p.m.
• You know what got me irked about Matt Leinart? His whining about not playing quarterback full-time. I’m sure it’s an ego thing and shit, but Kurt Warner was playing better than you; be thankful you were in a situation where you had a teammate that didn’t mind splitting time with his inferior (at least this is how it seemed outside of the locker room).
Aw, too bad.
• I’m not a Yankee hater, but can we focus on the teams still in contention for a World Series championship?
• See, who cares about all this SCHIP contraversery? It’s not like the little bastards are getting decent care anyway.
You know what this means ... FREEGOVERNMENTHEALTHCARE.
Wait a second, what's this in the next paragraph?
• Speaking of losers, my crack-whore niece-in-law tried offing herself again this past weekend. Then again, telling her boyfriend-of-the-month via text that she took a bunch of sleeping pills probably isn’t the best way to fade out into a permanent slumber. God, just die already.
9 p.m.
• So I clicked on one of those right-wing t-shirt links by accident and came across this. Had no idea of this before creating my TSM account's subject line. Well, I'm sure there have been other people to go, "Free Mumia? I wish I could FRY MUMIA~!" before I put this witty line in my profile.
• Yeah, that AIDS just creeps up on poor women and does its thing.
• So I'm watching a bit of college football over the past year or so and figured why not make my own Top 25 list. Becaue there's no real champion because due to the fa
8:30 p.m.
• So I'm watching a bit of college football over the past year or so and figured why not make my own Top 25 list. Becaue there's no real champion because due to the fact 1-A Football doesn't have a playoff system, it makes the idiots who actually believe this is a good idea say, "THIS MAKES EVERY WEEK IN THE REGULAR SEASON LIKE A PLAYOFF GAME." With that in mind, here's my list:
kkk's Top 25
1) Ohio State
2) Kansas
3) Hawaii
4-25) Nobody, BECAUSE EVERYBODY ELSE IS ELIMINATED IN THE REGULAR SEASON TOURNAMENT
Boy, what an exciting way to run a sport. And for those that wonder about my insight into college football, keep in mind I had no idea Notre Dame had a 40+ year winning streak against Navy until I heard about it yesterday.
• Good Christ, the NBC channels are doing some hippie "green" promotion this week with their programs to raise "awareness" about the environment. Thank God I don't watch that much television. Well, I do, but not in the NBC family.
10 p.m.
• Detroit? You don't say.
• Don't you know that not allowing a cherry to pop on a person's wedding night is one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male? From across the Pond.
8:30 p.m.
• So I just got back from watching "Beowolf" movie. And just how many marriages does Angelina Jolie destroy? God almighty. And for the last week or so the better half has been going batshit over this thing. "OMG it's all in CGI. OMG OMG OMG." No big deal, I thought. Bunch of special effects. Then several minutes in I notice the whole thing looks like a Pixar movie. "What is this shit?" I say.
"It's all CGI. I told you this."
"The WHOLE thing?"
"Yes. Don't you ever listen to anything I say?"
It was there. Didn't read the book/poem/whatever. Don't care.
4:45 p.m.
• So Swift Terror’s wife just popped out a kid. Here’s how the conversation between me and Mrs. kkk took place when I told her the news.
“Mrs. Terror just squirted out a kid.”
“What? They weren’t due for another few weeks. What happened?”
“Dunno.”
“What sex is it?”
“Dunno. Looked like a boy.”
“What is his name?”
“Dunno. But there was a name on a card/poster in one of the pictures he sent me.”
"What was it?"
"Dunno."
And here’s a conversation we had about the baby monitor we got the Terror household a little while back.
“Did Swift Terror tell you that they got the baby monitor delivered?”
“No.”
“Then how do we know if somebody didn’t steal it from their front door?”
“Because they live in an all-white neighborhood.”
“But what if it got stolen?”
“Well we have the receipt, so we’re covered if they bitch about us not sending them anything.”
I swear to Christ she was so obsessed about the Terror household getting this hippie baby monitor that I’m sure it would have been less annoying if she were the one eight months knocked up. Besides, she’s didn’t want to spend that much on Swift Terror anyway because she hates him and his wife. Did I just type that? Oh well, what’s the chance of him actually reading this anyway? Oh, here’s another difference between men and women. These are actual quotes that were said upon learning of the Terror’s newest download.
Her: “Well I’m glad we got them that monitor when we did because they can put it to good use.”
Me: “I’m glad we got the monitor to them early so that $100 we spent won’t be as big a waste as I thought it would.”
And as I told Terror via PM, the thought of being responsible for another human life in this world just scares the shit out of me. Hell, we lost Dessa when we first brought her home as a kitten 5 minutes into her stay with us (she was hiding behind some Genesis cartridge boxes).
7 p.m.
• Well today was a bit of a shocker. We found out that Mrs. kkk got laid off. Actually, she’ll be out of work August 31. Why? According to her idiot boss, because the boss doesn’t like working in the academic world and will use her grant money to pay her salary and not the better half’s. All I have to say is that for as fucked up as my former place of employment has been since my departure, this has the makings of a classic. Why? Because without the better half there, her soon-to-be ex-boss will have to do the vast majority of work.
The same person that comes in at 11 a.m. and leaves at 2 p.m. yet bitches about being “overworked.”
The same person that once put salad dressing on a salad the night before some social function and wondered why the salad was ruined the next morning.
The same person who poured sugar instead of parmesan cheese over her pasta during dinner.
The same person who (just a few weeks ago) saw an expense sheet and didn’t know what “balance” meant.
The same person who never locks the petty cash drawer and had checks stolen that racked up thousands of dollars in theft.
The same person that fights with every department and vendor there is, even though she is wrong 99 percent of the time.
The same person.
Oh this has the makings to be a classic. Did I mention this chick has a Ph.D.? No? Well, I'm sure you figured that out by the "expense sheet" line.
As for Mrs. kkk – she’ll get another job, hopefully within the university system. The only adjustment will be that we would carpool a bit later in the morning and afternoon. The busier traffic will be a downer, but it’s nothing major – most the time I leave late from my job anyway because I get a lot of last-minute calls/etc. The odd thing is even if I was to lose this job I really wouldn’t care. If my current employer’s funding gets discontinued and I have to start looking at the classifieds again, I would actually be comfortable with doing so. I don’t hate where I work, but rather the time I spent here has shown me that not EVERY workplace situation has to be a dysfunctional affair.
8 p.m.
• Don't you know that bringing in immigrants to a country is one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male?
Wait, I don't know what's funnier -- the pork remark or Muslims offended by another group's "abuse of women"?
I don't know what the big deal is. Those Poles are just doing the jobs Muslims don't want.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 33: Hawk 34
Even though we have never met, Hawk and I have an unbreakable bond that can never be broken, much like the one I have with fellow poster Gert T. What's that bond? We have all lived in or near the Middletown, Ohio, region. With its unique mix of white and ghetto trash, Middletown has this charm that other, more developed communities lack. Oh there were many a night when I saw the flashing lights of a police car racing down by my townhouse along Clark Street off to catch some hooligans. Speaking of racing, Hawk likes that NASCAR stuff. I don’t know how that’s a redeeming quality to me, seeing I don’t really care about this sport (yes, I call it a sport), but whatever. And you know what, even though he’s been suspected of being the previously banned poster Choken One, I really don’t care. I had no qualms with Choken, so even if Hawk is the “One,” thus swerving nobody on this board but me, big deal. I do have several reasons to believe Hawk isn’t Choken, and one of them is that Hawk has shown me a picture of his squeeze. Even though she is hot, I don’t believe they are cousins. Now if Hawk would have only sent me a picture of her without all those pesky clothes, he might have cracked the Top 20.
And now a word or three from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed.
From Black Lushus:
From SFA Jack:
From Cancer Marney:
5:45 p.m.
• So I stayed 15 minutes past my normal workday and decided to let the better half, who was home sick, know that I was going to be late. As I told her this over the phone, she then said, “Can you stop and get me a Happy Meal?” (I can already hear the “Vyce” jokes being typed.)
FUCK.
No, it’s not that I hate spending money – well, OK, it’s partly that – but it’s more that Happy Meal = McDonald’s, and the only Golden Arches that’s on the way home from work is a shithole. Well, the store itself isn’t too bad, but all their employees are ghetto trash and the service is awful. Every time I have stopped there, I swear to Christ that it takes at least 10 minutes for them to get an order done. But oh well, I’m a great good average at least I don’t cheat husband, so I went.
I pulled in and the first thing I do is make that all-important decision: Drive-thru or in-store? Generally, my rule is if the drive-thru line is a few cars deep I’ll brave this route; otherwise, just go inside. Because there were no cars in plain sight in the drive-thru I figured what the heck and made my choice. Besides, at this store it really doesn’t matter because no matter where you go – you’re going to be waiting regardless. As I pulled to the speaker and delivered my order I looked at my dashboard clock – 3:52 p.m. I had the “Who Made Who” soundtrack playing and skipped to “Chase the Ace,” my favorite track on the album. I love how that shit picks up as the song continues. As much as I like the first track, the self-titled “Who Made Who,” I can only listen to the first two verses before getting bored, and “For Those About to Rock” has the opposite effect for me; I usually fast-forward to around the 4-minute mark when the cannons start firing. “You Shook Me All Night Long” is another solid offering, but, like “Who Made Who,” I start zoning out after the first verse or two. “Sink the Pink” and “Shake Your Foundations” are good tracks to have on as background noise. I generally don’t pay attention to “Hells Bells.” Those other two tracks – eh. Have I mentioned how awful the movie to this soundtrack is?
3:55 p.m. OK, when I placed my order there were only two vehicles in front of me. And the first automobile hasn’t budged. “Chase The Ace” is over and I want more AC/DC, but no more “Maximum Overdrive” memories. I reach into my portfolio bag and pull out “Highway to Hell.” Good enough, I’ll play “Girls Got Rhythm,” which is, at the moment, my favorite track of the album. Still no movement in the drive-thru line.
3:59 p.m. Oh you got to be fucking kidding me. I waited all this time and the motorist two cars down from me got a tiny bag of food? If there were several drink carriers being handed to him I could understand for the delay, but damn. Maybe a new batch of fries needed greased up or a Fillet o’ Fish had to be made from scratch. “Girls Got Rhythm” is over – maybe there’s enough time to hear some local RIGHT-WING RADIO and listen to the idiotic callers bitch about how Pennsylvania has these gay-ass state liquor stores? Seriously, these things are so fucking retarded. No, we can’t buy booze at a grocery store or a Quickie Mart. Why, that would make all of our kids alcoholics because what if they reach for a gallon of milk and accidentally pick up a six-pack of Bud? Then again, because I’m too lazy to head off to one of these government adult beverage centers I don’t buy alcohol, which saves me a few dollars. That’s one of the things I missed about Ohio – being able to buy alcohol any time, any place (well, almost any place). Jesus Christ this line isn’t moving, and there’s only one car in front of me.
4:02 p.m. Well, the top-of-the-hour newscast is beginning, so it’s time to put in another CD. Let’s see, how about “History of the Clash: Volume I”? I’m in the mood for “The Magnificent Seven” – Ring, ring it’s 7 a.m. There we go. And there goes the motorist. Well, this person actually left during “Wave bye-bye to the boss, it’s our profit it’s his loss,” but that wouldn't have sounded as clever. Now it’s my turn to wait. You know what annoys me? When you are waiting in line for other customers that take forever and a day to get their order, and then when it’s your turn the wait is virtually nil and the cashier gets impatient because you have the nerve to double-check your order. And by double-check I mean look into the bag to make sure a burger and fries are in there. Well, that sorta happened when my order was completed, but drive-thru cashiers are more accustomed to customers doing a quick once-over. Hey, my order is here, and it’s 4:07 p.m. Just in time for “Rock the Casbah.” You know, I often defend rappers for sampling music, but what Will Smith did with that “Will 2K” abortion was too much even for me to handle. Let my memories of this song be of that cute armadillo scampering about.
Fifteen minutes, one Happy Meal, three songs and some RIGHT-WING RADIO banter. And the sad thing is, I thought I'd be waiting longer. Nevertheless, Sharif don't like it. But what am I going to do – declare a jihad? I have no children to strap with explosives, and there's no way I'd turn my kitties into martyrs. Considering they are all fixed, I doubt they would be able to do much with their 40 virgins and all.
8 a.m.
• Whenever you think you suck at your job, just read this.
• Al Gore says that the planet has a "fever."
So where do we stick the thermometer for a temperature reading?
7:30 p.m.
• Christ, like I don’t stay home enough already – just got off the phone with the Comcast guy for this package deal. For the past year I’ve had this $100/month deal (fuck this $99.99 shit) where I got Digital Cable, Internet and phone service all under the Comcast umbrella. This deal expires tomorrow and I was eligible for a Digital Premier Bundle for $160/month. I will now be getting all the HBO, Cinemax, Showtime, TMC, Encore and Starz channels, along with an upgraded tier of digital channels and a DVR. Now I really don’t care that much about getting premium channels – when Mrs. kkk and I moved back to Pennsylvania in 2003, we took this special offer from Comcast where we got Digital Cable and some premium channels for a cheap price for six months. Once this expired we cancelled the digital service and went on with life. What made me take this service is that the aforementioned $100/month deal is ending and the normal cost for this stuff is somewhere around $120/month – why not do an extra $40 and get all this other stuff. Remember, it’s not so much being a Jew with your money but rather the kind of value you get.
4:15 p.m.
• So with this being third full season where I’ve been mowing the yard, I’m actually surprised to learn that I don’t mind doing this shit during the summer months. I thought the spring/fall seasons would be more acceptable to me because I hate humidity. However, the summer months also features a dry lawn, which makes cutting so much more easier than when my grass-killing contraption clogs up with damp grass every 10 feet of mowing.
• I read this in the paper today and just had to share the best parts
6 p.m.
• So I was playing around on IMDB and found this post in a thread titled "Things you learnt from watching this movie?" for the "Wolf Creek" message board. Well, it made me laugh. Oh, yeah. Spoilers and stuff.
10 a.m.
• Finally got around to seeing Peter Jackson’s “King Kong.” That’s why you get for messing around with them white girls.
• Here is the conclusion to my 3 p.m. entry yesterday about that poem I wrote which got me in a heap of trouble in 11th grade. The class had to write a “senses” poem in a “question and answer” format. Basically, you had to write a line in the form of a question that dealt with one of the five senses – taste, touch, smell, sight and hearing. After each line you had to have a “yes” or “no” answer. After 10 lines of this shit you had to do a line in the form of a question and then the other in the form of an answer. Sounds stupid? You bet. I also found it funny that in a class called “creative writing” you had these draconian rules to follow whenever you wrote something, but I digress. Anyway, my hippie poem was about a couple walking on the beach, and I had stupid lines like,
“Will you look deep into my eyes while the moon reflects off the crashing waves?”
“Yes.”
…or some hippie shit like that. When I got to my last “sense” it dealt with the chick asking the guy if he’d hold her hand or something similar. Here’s how my last four lines went that got me in trouble. Remember, after this question and answer, I need to follow that up with another Q&A line.
“Will you hold my hand *blahblahblahhippieshit*.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I have no arms.”
There you have it. When my classmate, who was as big a slacker as I was, asked to read my poem (I wasn’t allowed to read this in class), the teacher stormed over to him, grabbed the sheet of paper, crumpled it up and threw it in the trash. Where’s the ACLU when you really need them?
I also had this woman for a public speaking class the year before, and that was some fun right there. There was one project where I was in a group of five and the assignment was this 20-minute panel debate over a topic of our choice. You needed two people on one side of the argument, two people on the other side and a moderator. Our group, which was made up of slackers just like me, picked “censorship.” My role was to be moderator. We had several class periods to work on this project, and all we did was sit there and bullshit. After a few days, we realized that we had nothing done so we worked on an “intro.” By “intro” I’m not talking about opening remarks. No. We were going to pretend this was a late-night talk show and we were thinking up ways to introduce the program. We were the last group to do our presentation, and the four-five groups before were made up of actual students who cared about their academic achievement. After the first day when the first two groups did their presentations, we suddenly realized we were in a world of shit. The day before our presentation, I frantically tried to make an outline of who was going to say what about our topic, which was about Free Speech Rights. On the morning of the big debate, we got ready for our intro, which we spent all of our class time preparing. And just what did we do?
*Person 1 turns off the lights to the room*
“Person 2 plays tape recorder with a voice saying, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Late Night with KKK.’ Suddenly the Looney Tunes theme comes on.”
*Persons 3 and 4 are across the room from each other and swirling flashlights around while theme plays.*
*Person 4 (me) moves up to the front. When the theme stops playing, Person 1 turns the lights back on and Person 2 plays the tape of crickets chirping.*
Judging from the look on our teacher’s face, this didn’t go over as well as we had hoped.
As bad as this was, our actual presentation was even worse. Instead of following the script of Person 1 on the pro-free speech side giving their spiel with Person 1 on the anti-free speech side retorting, it just a free-for-all. And with me as the moderator, I had no clue what the hell everybody was going to say next. Ironically, I had put the most work into this thing (which isn’t saying much mind you) and I got the worst grade out of the five of us. But that was nothing when compared to the next project. The same five of us had to do a “interrogation-type” project where each of us had to be a “prosecutor” and a “defendant” regarding another topic. This project’s topic was obscenity laws. The only thing I remember about this was one person grilling the other and the following ensued.
“Person A, you claim some cartoons today are ‘obscene.’”
“Yes.”
“What about the cartoons of generations before? Were they as bad?”
“No.”
“How about Walt Disney? Were they ‘obscene.’”
“No.”
“How about Donald Duck?”
“No.”
“Even though he has no pants?”
Yes, that was the HIGHLIGHT. After we were done, our teacher blasted us for at least 5 minutes about how we didn’t follow any of the rules of the assignment among other things. I don’t remember much of what she said because I was too busy trying to hold in my laughter. But this incidents weren’t as memorable as the public speaking class I told while I was in college. Developing...
7:30 p.m.
• With my state recently getting into the slot machine business, I can't wait until this starts and the shit hits the fan, so to speak.
Wha-? What are they supposed to do. Inspect every seat someone gets up from?
And he still went back in to play. Fuck are these people pathetic.
Man, and with Pennsylvania home to bunches and bunches of old people, there should be nothing but good times ahead.
• Hey Smues, if the thought of planning a wedding is too much, try this. It will be less painful.
7:15 p.m.
• Wow, so Michael Vick was fibbing when he said he had nothing to do with "Bad Newz Kennels"? I'm shocked.
One thing I've wondered about during this whole ordeal. Even if he never plays football again, he was in the midst of a $100+ million contract (and I'm not even talking about endorsements). If he ends up broke due to not being able to play football, he truly is a dipshit (not like he's one already).
3 p.m.
• As a follow-up to my 10:30 a.m. entry, I've been stealing Jim Rome's "ERRR" soundbite at work for a while now. Let's just say the job I took in 2004 isn't the same one as it is now. It's amazing one you agree to a wage how suddenly there were BONUS duties that weren't mentioned in the interview process. For a while I used the term "told" when describing something that wasn't in my original job description. This February, I was brought in to my head boss' office where he attempted to scold me for my over-use of the word "told" in that month's report. (I used the magic word 5 times in an 1,100-word report. Oh, and I also mentioned that the "assistant" I was to hire, who had to have a college degree, was to be paid no more than $8/hour. Funny enough, there were no takers.) Much to his surprise, I countered. Boy did I ever counter. See, when you have things like facts and the truth on your side you tend to be much more relaxed when people are attempting to besmirch you. Anyway, I was "forbidden" to use the T-word. Works for me. What do I do now? Let's see.
Me talking to a sympathetic ear: "It's funny how I was tol--ERRR 'instructed' to create these TPS reports when, during my interview, I was tol-ERRR ‘it was said to me’ that this wouldn’t be my responsibility.
Yeah, no more "told." That was a good idea there, chief.
10:30 a.m.
• Nice. During the first segment of Boortz’s national broadcast there was a caller talking about the topic of “Would you vote for a Mormon for president.” After a long conversation of “faith,” “understanding” and all that other touchy-feely crap, the caller answered the question. “Yes … if it means keeping Hitlery out of office.” She must read "KK's Korner" because I can't imagine anyone else coming up with such a witty, original name to describe the future POTUS.
9:30 p.m.
• This was a rather long article, but I can sum it up with two lines.
9:15 p.m.
• So I heard this today and got the thinking...
...I wonder how many Democrat men wouldn't vote for a woman president of their political party? Or, better yet, a candidate of color?
7:30 p.m.
• Can somebody please tell me the status of Joe Torre and the Yankees? Will he be back? Have the Yankees offered him a contract? I've been watching ESPN all afternoon and they haven't said a peep. What’s the point of having cable when they don’t give you any updates on important stuff like this?
5 p.m.
• LOL.
I'm a little bummed Max Baucus signed it because to me he has seemed to be a Democrat with some common sense. And it's nice to see Junior's sig on there, too. I'm surprised Crazy Arlen didn't take part.
8:30 p.m.
• For those that frequent the other place. What that hell happened when I was away?
• So Barack Osama said something "clingy" about certain people...
So now Hitlery has pounced on this, and who suffers the most? Me. Because I have to watch shit like this every time my TV is turned on.
What's the difference between Hitlery and Osama on this issue? Osama was dumb enough to say it and have others hear him, even in friendly confines.
• From Smues' neck of the woods. Ever hear of these people?
9 p.m.
• You know, I generally side with so-called smokers' rights. However, I don't blame people for wanting smoking banned at beaches.
The few times I've been to the beach it was disgusting how many cigarette butts were all over the place.
• Man, who did the Rooneys piss off to get a schedule like this?
Well, the Final Four is wrapping up and thus nears the end of another college basketball season. Now we all complete those hippie bracket sheets at the start of the tournament, filled with hopes that our upset picks will come to fruition and that our predicted winners will coast to victory. But a funny thing always happens on the road to the Final Four -- they actually play the games and your picks get shot to hell. I'll man up though and take a look a what I thought were good selections a few weeks ago. All of my picks can be found in my March 16 entry:
The Good:
I had Texas making it to the regional finals and losing.
I predicted Shitt losing in the second round. However, I didn't expect them to lose to a 13 seed (although it doesn't really surprise me).
I got the bottom half of my Oakland bracket correct, which includes Alabama's first-round upset.
I picked Tennessee, a 2 seed, to lose in the second round, just to a different team than they actually did.
I selected Wisconsin-Milwaukee as a first-round upset (too bad I also had them as a second-round winner).
I had Georgetown beating the 2 seed Ohio State (but not Florida beating the Hoyas in the third round).
I picked Bucknell in that high-risk 8-9 seed matchup.
Forget The Bad, These Were Just Ugly:
I had Duke beating LSU and reaching the Final Four.
I had Syracuse reaching the third round.
Iowa beat Southern Illionis in the second round in my bracket; in reality West Virginia defeated Northwestern State.
Kansas reached the fourth round in kkk world.
Seton Hall was one of my Cinderella stories, what with them reaching the third round in my bracket, only to lose to North Carolina.
George Mason was a first-round exit.
Sure there were some other losses that hit my bracket hard, such as Boston College's early defeat (I had them winning it all). But hey, it was by only one point. It wasn't like they lost by 20 in the first round like the Seton Hall BUTT Pirates. Oh well, there's always next year. One thing I'll have to remember is not to listen to my woody telling me that the Big East is the way to go. I knew Villanova wasn't going to get to the Final Four, but I had a few of my upset specials come out of this conference, and the only thing special about these teams was the short bus that probably drove them to the arena.
Even though most of us can't pick these games worth shit, this is still way more enjoyable than the retarded way we determine so-called National Champions in Division I-A Football. Now although I think there should be some sort of playoff system, I can understand in a way those that want to keep these lame Bowel Game (that's not a type-o, btw). However, don't then even attempt to say one team deserves to be called "National Champs." If you want to end the college football season with conference play, then have the top teams play in meaningless one-game exhibitions a month or so later, that's great. But don't even try to make some determination of which team was the best for that year.
Who needs the pseudo-experts at this place with their fancy smancy win-share totals and minor-league reports when you've got Al kkkeiper here to give you the hook-up. Here's some baseball stuff that popped into my head in the last hour or so. You've been warned.
• The Houston Astros had a chance to get into the postseason, thanks to a late-season surge up the N.L. Central. They came up short in the last weekend of play, which made me curious as to how many one-run games they lost this year. I looked over their regular-season schedule and at a glance I counted 21. Zoinks. Ah hell, I might as well see how many one-run games the Astros won – 25. So that means they were 25-21 in one-run games. Um, well, they should have won some more. But how did St. Louis do in one-run games? Ah, hell. They were 22-27. Whatever, I’m not deleting all this exhaustive research I’ve conducted just because it makes no sense to my original point.
• Bye Racist Dusty. Perhaps you should go to a team that plays in warmer weather, such as Florida or Arizona. This way you can better utilize your black and Hispanic ballplayers.
• Now there’s talk about Roger Clemens taking naughty drugs. Don’t care. Like I said before, this who era in baseball is roided up, and let the accusations fly. I’m a Clemens fan, but Major League Baseball brought all of this upon itself.
• Ryan Howard for MVP. I don’t know who’s in contention for any of the other awards.
• Yesterday the Pirates played their final game for the 2006 season. Now I could make yet another joke about how this team sucks, but instead I’m going to give props to Freddy Sanchez for winning the N.L. batting title. From what I’ve seen of Freddy he played hard this season, which is amazing considering he had no reason to considering the team he was on. For God's sake the fans were popping wood because the team finished with a winning record for the first time ever at PNC Park; now that’s some high standards there. One thing that did surprise me is that the Pirates have had 25 batting titles, which is the most of any team. I watched the final three outs of Sunday’s 1-0 victory against the Reds, and it was nice to see Sanchez get the props he deserves, especially considering he didn’t get an opportunity to start until May. But enough of talking about this crap; let’s move onto real baseball teams that are still playing.
• I really don’t have a “favorite” baseball team. There are certain players I like, but in regards to actual franchises I’m indifferent to most of them. If you put a gun to my head and forced me to pick a team, I’d probably go with the St. Louis Cardinals – I don’t know why, I just like how that team is run. Whenever the MLB postseason starts up, I’ll pick a team or two and pull for them to win. It’s not big deal if they lose, and if they win I’ll say “yay” and move on with my life. The only exception to this rule is when there’s a team I don’t want to win, such as when Racist Dusty almost lead his Cubs to the 2003 World Series, or when Barry Bonds finally made it to the Fall Classic. I’ve only done this mini-bandwagon thing for a few years, and my track record has been OK. In 2001 I was pulling the Arizona Diamondbacks because I like Curt Schilling and wanted to see him get a championship. Plus I also felt bad for that Asian pitcher who gave up back-to-back game-ending home runs. In 2002 I was rooting for the Anaheim Angles, especially when they faced off against the San Francisco Giants in the World Series. Nothing brought me greater joy that year than seeing Racist Dusty’s brat cry after the Giants lost Game 7. I went with the Florida Marlins in 2003, mostly because they managed to beat Racist Dusty. In 2004 I didn’t want to see the Red Sox win it all because there was nothing more entertaining in sports talk radio than to year Boston fans dejected at their team falling short yet again, but c'est la vie. Last year was pretty much a wash because I didn’t care who won – the White Sox or Astros.
This year is pretty much a repeat of 2005. I don’t know much about any of the teams (as if I ever do), but if I have to pick a team I would probably go with the Yankees. Yeah, the EVIL EMPIRE. I think my main reason for wanting them to win is because I want Alex Rodriguez to win a championship and shut up all the A-Rod haters. Who will win this year? I dunno. The weird thing about the MLB playoffs is that five-game first-round. You could play a grueling 162-game schedule, and in just three games all that blood, sweat and tears will get flushed down the toilet. Then again, a seven-game series can end in as quickly as four games but oh well.
Without further ado, here is my playoff tree as to how I think this postseason will play out. Take this information, do the opposite of what I write and call your bookie.
NL PLAYOFFS:
St. Louis vs. San Diego. These two played last year in the first round, and the Cardinals handedly won. The Cards haven’t been playing well, and I’ll say the Padres will win in four.
Los Angeles vs. New York. The Mets haven’t played a meaningful game in months and have been without the services of Pedro Martinez for just as long. I seem to remember the Dodgers being on several hot and cold streaks this year. Oh what the hell – Dodgers in five.
Los Angeles vs. San Diego. When I was a kid I liked both the Dodgers and the Padres. I followed Los Angeles due to Fernando Valenzuela and because there was an old Mr. Ed episode that guest-starred several old-school Dodgers. Tony Gwynn is one of my all-time favorite players, so that explains my Padre love. Because the wild card teams have a legit shot at reaching the World Series, I’ll say Dodgers in four.
AL PLAYOFFS:
Oakland vs Minnesota. I have no clue who is on the A’s roster other than that Zito hippie and Jason Kendall (he is still there, right?). They never make it out of the first round, so I’ll go with Minnesota in five.
Detroit vs New York. Although my insisting the Tigers were “for real” is what probably led to their late-season collapse, I wasn’t intentionally trying to ruin this team. I always liked Jim Leyland, but I think the Tigers are going to be one of those “Boy we’re sure happy to be here” stories, so I’ll say New York sweeps the series.
Minnesota vs. New York. Small market vs. Big market. David vs. Goliath. Fuck that shit – I’m going with the owner who didn’t want to contract his team. Yankees in five.
WORLD SERIES:
Los Angeles vs. New York. Right. Like these two teams I picked are going to be around at this point – both will probably get swept in the first round. Nevertheless, Yankees in five.
8 p.m.
• So I reserved a room for a March out-of-town excursion, and the hotel chick gave me the price, which was of course “before taxes.” For those that don’t leave their parent’s house, hotels are like cigarettes when it comes to taxing. Local governments don’t want to tax their constituents, so they jack up taxes for out-of-town visitors, and if someone is going on a business trip to that area, it’s not like they are going to sleep in their rent-a-car before the big presentation the next day. For a laugh, I like asking how much a room is “after taxes,” which often results in the hotel employee answering in a nervous tone. What the hell am I going to do? OMG WHY ARE THERE SO MANY TAXES GWAAAR! Well, actually, I’m sure there are people out there who probably do such things. I guess hotel executives figure if they quote a customer a price “before taxes,” that will make their establishment more appealing due to the “lower” rate and by the time the weary traveler arrives, they would be too exhausted to bitch about the taxes added on to their room.
12:30 p.m.
• Well this was an odd way to start out the day. First off, I woke up at 7 a.m. because the cats were walking all over the bed trying to get one of us up to feed them. They get fed twice a day – once when we wake up, once before we go to bed. During the workweek they get their food at around 5:45 a.m. and then at around 9:30 p.m. However, when it’s the weekend, we tend to wake up later, but Dessa, JJ and Max have none of that. Well, maybe not so much JJ, because all he does is mill around in the room where they get fed; Dessa and Max do the dirty work. They have pretty much learned to not even try with me because I generally don’t wake up for anything, so they focus their efforts toward the better half. Dessa either wakes her up with the old “sniffing the nose” trick, and if that doesn’t work she’ll chew on her hair. Max is less creative; all he does is go up to her face and meow, although I think he’s discovered a way to get me up. What he does is walk over on my nightstand and start knocking shit down to the floor. Now the actual knocking of objects (usually just my contact lens case and deodorant) don’t actually wake me up, but rather the long fur from his tail that is hitting my face does the trick (I sleep on my side facing my nightstand). I vaguely remember this morning. I felt Dessa and Max walking all over us, and while Dessa was doing her thing, Max was knocking my contact lens case over. All I remember is hearing Mrs. kkk say, “Alright I’ll get your food; Jesus Christ,” and me reaching for the squirt bottle to spray Max. I looked at the clock to see that it was 7 a.m. and went back to bed.
I don’t know what the hell happened to me or what I was dreaming, but I woke up at 11:30 a.m. Normally I don’t get up so late (although I used to; good times), but when I did I was sore all over. I was also dreaming, but I can’t remember what it was about. All I remembered was that I was back in high school as a senior and our one class had split into groups, and this one girl, Wendy Welsh, began reading/singing this story about one of those Chronoicles of Narnia books. She was reading this from a fill-in-the-blank test score sheets where you fill in answers to multiple-choice or true/false questions. I didn’t have one of these sheets and had no idea what the hell was going on. And the song/story she was singing? I have no clue. I’ve never read any of those hippie books, except for the “Lion, Witch and Wardrobe,” and that was when I was a kid in a Christian grade school. So this story could not even have been related to the whole Narnia thing, although that lion was involved, along with those beavers. That’s all I remember from this dream, and when I woke up, that made-up song Wendy was singing was still in my head! When I got up, I looked at the clock and it read 11:30. I went to the bathroom to do my thing, when suddenly the doorbell rang. The cats scattered, and I finished wiping. I threw on my sweatpants and shirt, both lying on the floor by my bed, and trudged toward the door, not knowing what adventures were in store for me.
I opened the door, and there it was – two Jehovah’s Witnesses. Good Lord. I could barely keep my eyes open from the bright lights and cold, biting wind going through my screen door. They asked me if I would like this literature about how “Religion is dying,” and I said … shit, I can’t remember what I said. I’ve never dealt with these people before, but I’ve heard stories. I wasn’t in the mood, or in the form, to say, “Get the fuck off my property you wackos,” either. So, due to the fact I had just minutes ago gotten up from bed and had most of my hair sticking up and that funky crap in my eyes, I had an ideal get-out-of-Jesus-Freaks-line. “I’m battling a cold and took a bunch of medication last night.” I then coughed toward their direction. They made a remark about how cold it was, gave me their pamphlets and left, but not after I shook the one’s hand. The hand I wiped my crack with just minutes ago and forgot to wash.
What has this got to do with anything? Haven’t got the slightest clue. Sorry. I’ve washed my hands since then … or at least I think I did. If not, I guess I’m typing in my own filth.
8:15 a.m.
• So I went into the Sports folder and read something that shook me to my very core. TOM BRADY HAD SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE?!
I can't believe it. I don't want to believe it. I thought he was saving himself for Mrs. Right, or better yet, me. Oh well, maybe he could start up a club with Matt Leinart or something.
• Uh, OMG Culture of Corruption and all that shit.
One of my rules to maintaining a happy existence is not to get involved in matchmaking. Heed these words of wisdom. The reason I bring this up now is because the better half is trying to play Chuck Woolery (only without the penis) with one of her friends. I talked about this chick a while back, and to make a long story short she’s approaching the ripe old age of 27 and is moaning that she’s going to be an unwedded, childless spinster for the rest of her life.
A few years ago she was slated to get married, but her groom-to-be bailed with two months to go before the big day. Ever since then she’s been trying desperately to find Mr. Right, or even Mr. He’s Not That Bad. Let me do a quick rundown of some of the guys she’s bedded since the jilting. There was this one guy with webbed feet who told her he just wanted to be friends; friends that fuck, that is. Oh, and from what I heard, this guy is under a court order never to be near his child from a previous marriage. There was that guy who was her date at my wedding, got shit-faced and talked about suicide after she broke up with him. He wasn’t that bad a guy, but she had decided she couldn’t be with him because she was in love with the webbed foot person. The most recent guy called it quits Sunday with her because, according to him, she didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Of course, his definition of “going out” involved her attending his weekly pool and bowling league competitions (the final blow for him came when she didn't attend one of these leagues Saturday night). Oh, and this guy also refers to himself in the third person.
I should mention that her taste in men has been less-than-stellar even before the “wedding, or lack thereof” incident. Before this, she dated some guy in high school who used to beat the shit out of her (oddly enough, I found out later that this guy was the grandson of the elderly family the better half and I bought our house from). She also dated some guy who was sentenced for several months in jail for two charges of corruption of a minor (prosecutors tried to get him on rape, but to no avail). Also, the guy she was supposed to marry wasn’t all up there either; one time when Mrs. kkk and her were having a “girls’ night out” at a local restaurant, I was told this guy called her on the cell phone a dozen times in a two-hour period. He thought she was cheating on him; as it turns out, he dumped her to be with some gal he was boning on the side, not to mention in the missionary position, doggy-style, etc.
Anyway, after Mr. Talks In The Third Person dumped her last night, she called the better half crying hysterically because this guy was going to be "the one," or at least "the next one." When this phone call ended, my beloved said that she wanted to set her friend up with this guy who was the brother of the ex-boyfriend of her niece. Now I have nothing against my niece’s ex; in fact, I’d rather have him as a nephew than the out-of-control teen that is my niece-in-law. When Mrs. kkk asked me what I thought of setting her friend up, I looked up from watching an all-day James Bond marathon and said it was a bad idea. A very bad idea.
I can understand if you’re a chick and want to help your friend find Mr. Right. I can understand if you’re a guy and want to hook up your buddy with some quick poon. But you just don’t do it. If I know someone and another of my acquaintances inquires as to the availability of said friend, I’ll let them know if they’re in a relationship or on the open market. I might even give a personality overview like “Yeah, she’s nice,” or “He’s a good guy.” Hell, if I get annoyed by my friend constantly talking him or her, I might even say something like “Well then ask her out dip shit.” But under no circumstances will I go any further than that.
And besides, I can’t wait until the better half’s friend hooks up with some slime ball just because he stayed around her longer than three weeks. Hopefully some children will be involved, which will only add to the fun stories that are sure to come from this match made in heaven.
• So it was late Saturday night and I was flipping through channels looking for something worthwhile to watch. I then stumbled across this “Black.White.” show on FX. Now I had seen previews for this thing, and it was about this black family who got painted white and this white family who got painted black. I guess the purpose of this stupid idea was for each family to walk a mile (or a month) in the other family's shoes and learn about racial harmony and all that other gay stuff. I had no intention of watching this shit, but you'll take what you can get when it’s late at night and you don’t feel like moving from the couch.
Holy fuck is this an awful show.
I watched the season finale, and thank God I skipped to the end of this stupid show. Although I was off in my over/under prediction on how long it would be before one of the white people were branded a RACIST by one of the the ni—, err, someone from the African-American family (I had my money on the second half of the show; the father got hit with the “R” word in the first half hour), there was still plenty of insanity to keep me entertained. One highlight for me was the 17-year old white chick that was in tears because the people in her urban poetry class (or whatever those stupid groups are call who try to sound like Digable Planets) were tearing apart her poems. I could comment more about the goofy white mom who was trying to understand why the troubled black youth from the other family was anti-social, but I have to get to the best part of this show.
I mentioned the black family had a teen-age son. I guess he’s running afoul of the law or something. Now I don’t know exactly what went on in previous episodes, nor do I care to find out, but this kid’s parents were worried that he was going down the wrong path. So what did they do? The took him to the Museum of Tolerance.
The Museum of Tolerance.
The Museum of Mother Fucking Tolerance.
For the South Park fans out there who remember Lemiwinks and Mr. Slave fist appearance, yes, there is such a thing as the Museum of Tolerance. Don’t believe me? Check it out for yourself. I will never brush aside anything Trey Parker Matt and Stone ever put into their shows again. I’m now convinced that my idiot boss is a crab person.
Anyway, if you ever stumble across this “Black.White.” show, do yourself a favor and just watch the season finale so you can witness for yourself the Museum of Tolerance. And if you should ever pay a visit to the Museum of Tolerance, find out for me if they have a smoking section.
• Speaking of tolerance, a while back I goofed on my pals from across the Pond because a British theme park was going to have a “Muslim Day.” I laughed too soon. My favorite parts from this article:
Great, so now we have to chalk up waiting in long lines for a roller coaster ride as one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male. In addition, how can "the cries of Allahu Akbar would be heard everywhere" when there are no infidels allowed in the park during the Great Muslim Adventure Day?
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this): This Mexican chick calls and says that she is divorced with two kids – ages 6 and 4. She then said that she’s been divorced for 4 years. When the host asks why was she knocked up at the same time she was splitting up with the ex, the caller responds, “Because his parents told him to leave me.” She then complains that he never visits his kids and when the subject of her moving back to her parents' house is brought up, the caller says she can never go back because her two kids (ages 6 and 4) told her that they want to have their own place.
Runner-up: This 13-year old boy called and said that he has this girl “friend” that is overweight and has no self-esteem. All the boys in school like this girl’s mom who “parties and gets down” with this kid’s friends at her house and at various school functions.
7:15 p.m.
Barry Bonds, lol.
Barry Bonds, lol.
Barry Bonds, lol.
I know he's one of the greatest players of all time. I know he'll probably be the new home-run champ. I know he has a bunch of money. But ... Barry Bonds, lol. Too bad your kid is in school -- who are you going use now to shield yourself from the media?
5:45 p.m.
• So David Beckham is going to play soccer for the Los Angeles Galaxy.
Wha- wha- what? Let me read that again.
You got to be kidding me. And all you people bitch about A-FRAUD (LOL2207) and his contract. I didn't know professional soccer in the States had $250 million to spend. I have nothing against Beckham. I kinda felt bad for him and the way he exited the last World Cup. Then again, I know nothing about soccer so who knows -- maybe he's some Satan-worshipping heathen who pimps Posh Spice out. If that's the case then I like him even more.
A quarter of a billion dollars? For five years?!
12:15 p.m.
• The commies are coming to the Mile-High City in '08.
I wonder if the person who recently shot and killed Broncos cornerback Darrent Williams will have a full clip by next year? I guess it's a good call for the Dems. Colorado has been a slightly Republican state that has slowly been turning commie. Hooray for them, I guess.
