• Well who didn’t see this one coming?
Wow, and he's not Catholic. Well he wouldn't be; the other guy isn't nine years old.
Oh did you now?
Just what the hell has gay marriage got to do with any of this shit? It sounds like to me the good reverend didn’t want to get hitched with you.
Lies. All lies. I’m sure they were talking about Bibles. Damn you liberal media.
I’m a bit of an odd bird when it comes to religion. On one hand some of the biggest hypocrites and two-faced shitbags I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting came from places of worship. On the other hand I strongly support people and their right to worship. I think the best way to describe my opinion on this subject is that the only thing I hate more than a Jesus freak shoving a Bible in my face is some atheist fuck who wants to hold an entire community hostage because of some harmless Nativity scene. I really don’t care about the Pat Robertsons or Jerry Falwells, but I think that’s because they get vilified enough by others in the media that I don’t feel like piling on. I save my bile for assholes like the Fascist Barry Lynn, who I’ve mentioned before is one of these separation-of-church-from-everything-remotely-public assholes that just flat out gets on my nerves. I love how some people’s concept of religious tolerance is forbidding 99 people to sing “Silent Night” at some school concert because one person isn’t Christian. To me, the tolerance would be that one person shutting up and letting the other 99 do their thing. It’s not like they’re taking turns sodomizing the heathen with a broomstick. And, yes, I practice what I preach. Even though I’m a confirmed Lutheran, I don’t consider myself a religious person. Hell, I don’t know if I’m even all that spiritual. Is there something up there or down below? I have no clue. But if I’m in a group that says a prayer before some meeting or event, I don’t go OMG QUIT TRYING TO SHOVE YOUR PURITAN VIEWS DOWN MY THROAT!!!! I just bow my head, close my eyes, and let the rest of the people around me do their thing. Now is that so goddamn hard?
• Oh what the hell now? I was never a Sean Combs/Puff Daddy/P. Diddy hater, but now he’s starting to get on my nerves a bit.
Oh no you didn’t.
8 p.m.
• So I finally got around to watching Apocalypto. Spoilerz
1) The chick in the hole squirts out a kid while the pit is being flooded?
2) Hooray for whitey.
3) So there's a solar eclipse right when Mr. Jaguar is about to get sliced AND the Europeans touch ground right when he runs out on the beach. Boy, magic really does happen in Hollywood.
8 p.m.
• So I was debating on whether to go into work today. I’m still not at the busy time of the month, but this is the busy time of year for me (well, this and March) and there’s a shitload of work I still need to do. Something was telling me last night that if I didn’t take advantage of this free day then it’ll come back to haunt me. I was right. When I checked my e-mail this morning, I got a note from the idiot boss saying he wants a Tuesday meeting to discuss a whole bunch of shit I don’t have the time to do. I swear to Christ when bosses see that you are completing your work on time or (gasp!) early, that doesn’t mean you are doing a good job. That just means you don’t have enough work to do. Oh well, just means more time I get to take off during the workweek. Woo-hoo.
• But is she hot?
Looks like she could get jail time with that mug. Here’s my favorite part.
“MAY mean”? The fuck. How about “does mean.” Whatever, it’s not like it’s all that hard to sneak back in anyway. Hold on a second.
Why were the police searching for him now -- how about searching for illegals once they sneak over the border?
7:45 p.m.
• I just got done entering in this week’s first wave of kkk Bowl V picks, so now I’m inspired after looking at everyone’s selections to get mine going.
Arizona @ Tampa Bay (3.5)
Oh hell I don’t know. Is Warner playing? Uh, I’ll go with Tampa. No, Arizona. No, Tampa. Yes, Tampa.
Carolina @ Tennessee (4.5)
Titans didn’t win big last week. I’ll take the spread. Time for Carolina to under-achieve.
(1.5) Cincinnati @ Buffalo
Lemme see, go with the scrappy Bills of the underachieving Bengals? I’ll go with the Bills because they play tougher and they’re at home. Of course, by “tougher” I mean “with less talent.” Then again, I have no idea who’s on each team, so I’ll just stop now.
Denver @ Detroit (3.5)
Yeah the Broncos lost last week, but this is the Lions. The Lions.
Green Bay @ Kansas City (2.5)
Oh hell no. The Chiefs are favored? I’m taking this in a heartbeat. This of course means the Chiefs quarterback (whoever he is) will throw for 400 yards.
Jacksonville @ New Orleans (3.5)
I heard the Jags quarterback is still out, so I’ll hope the Saints will eventually break down the Jacksonville defense.
(7.5) San Diego @ Minnesota
LT v. AP – then again, both play offense so unless there’s some special teams quirk they won’t face each other.
San Francisco @ Atlanta (3.5)
Is Alex Smith playing? Dunno. Shit, I don’t want Atlanta.
(3.5) Washington @ N.Y. Jets
Here’s hoping the Redskins do better against another AFC East team. Something tells me they will.
Seattle @ Cleveland (1.5)
I know they’re 4-3, but there’s something holding me back from taking the Browns seriously.
Houston @ Oakland (3.5)
Something tells me there are some injuries on the Texans roster for the Raiders to be favored. Oh well. Go subs.
(5.5) New England @ Indianapolis
Something tells me this game is going to bite me in the ass, but I’m getting a USC/Texas vibe. Besides, if Indy wins I’ll look like a genius.
(3.5) Dallas @ Philadelphia
WTF is up with Andy Reid’s kids? Buncha screw ups.
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh (9.5)
Wow, that’s a big spread. I’m still having flashbacks to last season when the Ravens made the Steelers their bitch. Twice. I don’t think they’ll win, but wow, that’s a big spread. Steelers will score 27.
7:15 p.m.
• Notre Dame. LOL.
9:15 p.m.
• Here’s a work story, but it doesn’t involve me~! Long story short: Mrs. kkk works in the realm of academia. ‘Nuff said. Here’s the latest reenactment of her workplace.
Boss: “OMG Does our work study person have enough work!? I don’t want her just sitting around doing nothing.”
Better Half: “The work study student (Jenna) has plenty of work to do. She’s entering in all the data we’re giving her, and she’s doing a good job. She has to still do data entry from our interviews from the last two weeks.”
Boss: “OMG I hope we’re not overworking her.”
Better Half: “WTF.”
Don’t you love this shit? And apparently Mrs. kkk’s boss asks her about this, along with several other ongoing micromanaging issues, multiple times a day. My solution was to have Jenna document everything she does and give it to the boss either at the end of a work shift or at the start of next day’s work. Of course, the boss doesn’t want to do that. I guess freaking out 20 times per day is preferable. And this woman makes six figures. The boss, not the better half.
• Uh oh.
I've worked third-shift for a number of years, including a number of shifts where I didn't get home or go off to work in the middle of the night.
6:15 p.m.
• Quick pickkks, err, pickkk.
Green Bay @ Dallas (7.5). Normally I'd go with Dallas but this spread is too big to pass up. Watch it be a blowout.
Well today I had a job interview, and it went as I pretty much expected it to go. Do I anticipate a call from this place in the near future? No, but to tell the truth I never even expected to get called in at all. It’s funny, but for all the places in my life where I hoped for a call back, this was one where I shipped off my resume with the thought, “eh, whatever.” For anyone that has worked at a place where nametags and fryer experience were not necessities, the job interview can be a pretty intimidating place. Then again, a job interview doesn’t seem quite as intimidating when you’re already gainfully employed and have a steady source of legal income coming in.
I went to today’s interview for two reasons. 1) to use up a half-day’s worth of comp time I built up over this current pay period at my current job. 2) to polish my interviewing technique just in case I get called in by a place with a job that I really desire. I don’t want it to seem like I’m dissing the place I interviewed at today; that’s not the case. In fact, I must say that the human resources chick I dealt with at this place has by far been the best at her position at any organization I have ever interviewed at. Not only has she responded to every inquiry and request I had over the past week or two, but also she seemed to genuinely enjoy doing her job. Now I’ll be curious to see how she handles rejected employment candidates. But then again, I’m sure the people I interviewed with in the department that had the vacant employment position will have more to do with the sure-to-be unprofessional way this place handles rejected job candidates.
Like I said above, I treated today’s interview as a steppingstone for later encounters; think of this like a major-league player rehabilitating in the minors. My favorite part of these interviews is when you know you’re not going to be considered and they ask if you have “any questions.” I figure since I’ll never see these people again I might as well have some fun, and today’s encounter was no exception. I especially liked this paraphrased question I threw out, “With my resume in front of you, and with all that you have heard from me so far today, what do you think will be this position’s biggest challenge for me?” Talk about a deer in headlights. These people then talked for about five minutes and didn’t really say anything – kinda like my entries at this place.
I may go into more detail about this interview later, but what I really wanted to talk about was my first “real job” interview. I had recently moved to the State College, Pa., area in 1999 and was full of hope and optimism that I could find a good career- starting job. Boy was I naïve. Anyway, I forget when I first applied to a nearby newspaper called the Altoona Mirror, but it was sometime in the spring. The local minor-league baseball team, the Curve, was looking for a beat writer, and I sent in my resume, samples and all that other stuff. Time went by and nothing happened, but some time later I received a call from a gentleman named Joe Frollo. He was from the Mirror and asked if I would be interested about a copyeditor’s position that his publication was looking to fill. Seeing how I was still without a full-time job I immediately jumped at the opportunity to put my edumacation to good use. (I was working a seasonal third-shift job at a yearbook publishing company, and while I liked this position it wasn’t going to be around forever.)
So what happened at my first “real job” interview? Did I wow my soon-to-be bosses with accurate speling and good grammer? Tune in tomorrow to read the exciting conclusion!
• Uh-oh. Jesus at a Christmas festival. Egads. Actually, I think a better argument would be complaining about the commercialism of Christ’s birthday, but whatever. This reminds me of an episode of M*A*S*H* when Hawkeye and McEntire were trying to get some medical device and eventually ended up at a general’s press conference. After the general said some powder-puff remarks, our commie surgeons started asking what M*A*S*H* units weren’t properly equipped with devices that could help save soldiers. The reporters then began following up on this inquiry. Flustered, the general says, “This is a press conference. The last thing I want to do is answer a bunch of questions.” Not sure if this is relevant here, but it just popped into my mind.
• Former vice presidential candidate John Edwards doesn’t like Wal-Mart, even though his staffers don’t mind trying to get Playstation3s from the retail giant.
But that’s not what I want to talk about. This is funnier:
Maybe the reason limousine liberals don’t like Wal-Mart is because it doesn’t offer valet parking.
• So I was goofing around with Comcast's On Demand again and came across this gem of a movie called “Pumpkinhead.” Oh dear God. I’m not going to bother talking about the plot, so let me rip off what someone at IMDB said.
OK. First question. Who the hell would name a demon Pumpkinhead? Oddly enough, rather than looking like a pumpkin, this demon looked more like that thing from the Hellraiser movie that just roamed around in that hallway and fought the leading lady over that hippie cube toward the film’s climax. Pumpkinhead was one of those movies that was so bad I couldn’t stop watching. I will say that I liked how the guy who called up Pumpkinhead slowly turned into him, or whatever the hell it was he did. And at least the dog lived, or I think it did.
Oh, man. There are Pumpkinhead sequels? I’m sure they will appear On Demand in the next month or so.
8:35 p.m.
• Uh, OK.
I have nothing more to say about this. Hmm, maybe I can Google "Zoey Zane." Nope. Guess I found out about this too late. Shame, and she was a spunky little teen with a super sexy side!
• BAM~! Hey, it's no worse than how the AP started out their story of Emeril's show getting canned.
I never watched his show and never cared to. He probably got burnout or something. Hey, he'll still be doing stuff for the Food Network so all's good -- or at least it seems.
12 a.m.
• One little side from my recent interview stories. When I was in-between interviews on Monday, I had lunch, drove into downtown Shittsburgh (where the second interview was located), parked in the garage, lounged in the car for a while listening to music and then ventured out in public. I found the building that I was to enter but I still had about 45 minutes to kill. Because of this I went into a nearby public library. Jesus Christ. No wonder I try to stay away from as many "public" things as possible. How do these people live their lives the way they do. The building didn't seem that dilapidated but the people inside literally stunk up the joint.
And then I went into the men’s restroom.
Here’s all I have to say – there was a sign on the men’s room door that read, “No shaving, laundering or bathing.” And all the stalls were filled. Normally I can get in and out when going number one with a single breath, but this time I actually had to breathe in the potty room air. Gag.
I seem to remember last year when Katrina was still fresh in everybody’s minds hearing how we were headed to a new generation of hurricanes, thanks to global warming and George W. Bush. Why, they were going to be bigger and badder; super-sized even! Well, now it’s one year later, and where are these uber-hurricanes? Where’s Robert F. Kennedy Jr. in that god-awful annoying-as-fuck voice of his trying to make me feel guilty for driving to work rather than taking a dozen transfers in order to show up at my job after a five-hour commute courtesy of public transportation? Buck up enviro-weenies. There’s always next year.
While I’m on this subject I feel like taking a trip down memory lane. I’ve noticed during the last few years an AccuWeather meteorologist by the name of Joe Bastardi has made a few appearances on Sean Hannity’s radio show, among other places. Having worked at AccuWeather years ago, I’ve been around this guy. Now you may be expecting me to bring up some stories of how he sliced Asian children in half and drank their blood. Not quite. I will say that this guy is a horrible-ass writer. (I know. Pot. Kettle. Black. Fuck you.) Every morning I had to proofread this daily column of his that was posted on AccuWeather’s Web site. Holy fuck. If you people thought I rambled on and on and on and on, don’t EVER read his stuff. It was so bad that when I started working there I was told to just glance through it and just move it along because it wasn’t worth revising. Besides, there were a few hundred other clients that needed worked on, and those were of more importance than “WebJB,” which was the filename of Bastardi’s daily column.
Ha. I just went on Wikpedia and found this. No, I didn’t write it.
Actually, what I really want to bitch about regarding Bastardi was during my final weeks at AccuWeather. My boss knew I was leaving. No, I wasn’t burning any bridges. The better half had just been accepted to the University of Dayton and I let my boss know at least 4-5 months ahead of time that I was going to be leaving. During this time the other copyeditor on my shift got promoted, and the company had just hired this chick to take over her full-time slot. (I was a part-timer and my replacement didn’t get hired until 2-3 months later.) Now we were always busy, and I frequently stayed past my scheduled shift (getting paid, of course) to help her out. One of my selfless acts of charity was to edit WebJB. Every day. Ugh.
Not many women worked at AccuWeather during my time there, and couple that with the fact she wasn’t 300 lbs with five kids, this chick, who just graduated nearby Penn State University, was much more popular with the male meteorologists than I could have ever been. She of course knew this, and we actually had an inside joke going about my status as “phantom” copyeditor. Well, one day Bastardi came over to our station and began showering this chick with praise about what a great job she was doing and how his columns looked great. Never mind the fact I was reading those bastards every fucking day. When I went to ask Joe about a letter to the editor he wrote the other day in the local newspaper, he told me to shut up! You bitch. Needless to say, his WebJB columns weren’t as readable for the rest of my time there.
But I can’t be all that hard on Bastardi. After all, there were many days when he wore sweatpants to work. Respect due.
11 p.m.
• So today I had the day off work (actually, I won’t be going in until Thursday) and had two job interviews lined up. Oddly enough, I think each one went well for me, with the second interview human resources person asking me back for a second round with some bigwigs. Could this be the light at the end of the tunnel? I dunno. Even though both jobs aren’t quite what I went to college for, each position is similar enough to what I’ve been doing the last 7-8 years. Not sure what’ll happen in the next week or two, but I might be saying “see ya” to my current place of employment in the not-too-distant future. Now that would be a great Christmas gift.
• The better half finally got me to watch “Knocked up.” Eh, it was there. Much like “The 40 Year Old Virgin,” the movie was better than I thought it would be, but it seemed way too long. And fuck that blonde-haired bitch for getting pissed because the guy was afraid of hitting the fetus with his dick while having sex. I’m sorry but if Mrs. kkk was ever preggers I know I’d be freaked out sticking anything near kkk Jr. (or whoever the baby’s daddy is). Yeah, I know nothing will happen to the kid, but I’m sorry: just the thought of giving your kid a money shot just gives me the heebie jeebies.
• Speaking of movies, I recently DVR’d some crap and finally got around to seeing these cinematic masterpieces. The first was “Drive Thru.” Holy fuck was this awful. But in a good way.
My favorite part came at the start when these wiggers were going to bust a cap in ol’ Horny’s backside, and when the Clown was about to wack the white kid with a shirt that reads “Illest” he says something like “My dad will give you anything – he’s rich.” Oh, and Morgan Spurlock is a fast-food restaurant manager. Do I need to go on? And there’s a LOT of liberal hippie crap, too. Because I know when I’m watching a Horny the Clown movie, I want to get the director’s opinion of our president. Actually, I find it hilarious when a movie/tv show has a close-up of the bad guy or a bumbling idiot with a picture of W. in the background.
The second movie was Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain. All I really need to say about this one has been covered in an attempted “100 things we learned from watching…” threads in the IMDB boards. My favorite was 96.
Spoilers ahead. You’ve been warned.
Yesterday I was fiddling around with Comcast’s On Demand service and decided to check out this new horror section. While browsing through the selection of so-called horror movies, I figured what the hell and watched "Night of the Living Dead." Of course, this wasn’t the original black-and-white version. Instead, it was the crappy re-make that was done back in the late 1980s; why they decided to do this I have no idea. Hell, nobody really dies from zombies either. Now granted there were that many zombie-related deaths in the first one, but you'd figure with the remake they'd show a few humans getting eaten. Well, OK, that kid’s mom gets killed by her daughter, but that zombie-kill doesn’t count. And the ending was just plain dumb. First off, I liked the black guy in the original, and you felt bad when he got off’d. With Living Dead v. 2.0, he turns into a zombie and the chick who got killed in the original version is now the heroine. At least some things didn’t change. The film still took place in redneck-ville, and the sad thing is the producers did a pretty decent job of capturing the residents of the flyover portions of Pennsylvania.
I’m not a big zombie fan, and when it comes to the “of the Dead” set of movies, I have to say the original “Night of the Living Dead” was my favorite. “Day of the Dead” comes in second with “Dawn of the Dead” a distant third. I haven’t seen “Land of the Dead” yet, so as of right now I’m pretending it never happened. I started a thread a while back about why I don’t like “Dawn,” and my feelings on the matter haven’t changed much, if at all. In fact, I must reiterate the following:
A side note regarding “Day of the Dead,” back in the 1980s I had this friend who would always say, “Fucking ‘a, biggest piece of meat in the cave.” Once I saw “Day,” I finally got what he was talking about. Oh, and the one guy, I think he was the commander, reminded me of Eric Bischoff.
While watching last night’s movie, it got me the thinking. If zombies were to roam the streets, how would I react? Well, I probably wouldn’t bother boarding up the house. They’re going to get in anyway, so I should spend my energy elsewhere. Now, if I heard on the news about the zombie-fest from home and had a few hours to think about what to do, I might consider driving to my brother-in-law’s house. Not only is it a bigger house than mine, but he has guns and I’m sure he has an attic or something that can offer better protection. If this plan was deep-sixed, I’d try to get up in my pseudo-attic. The problem is I’d have to unscrew some ventilation fan in order to get up there. I’d also have to pray the zombies don’t pile upon each other because the ceiling is only a few feet above my head.
I think a better course of action would be to go into the either my basement’s fruit cellar or garage. The garage would be the less preferred of the two because while there is only one door to get in or out, I’m sure if enough zombies banged on the garage door they might eventually break in. And considering the car in the garage would be blocked the other care in driveway, I really wouldn’t be able to drive away. The fruit cellar would be a better barricading facility. There’s only one door, and I could put a pantry in front of it, too. The only problem is that there are no bathroom facilities, but oh well. The only problem with this shelter, like many other options, is that I would have no idea what’s going on in the outside world. Then again, if zombies were roaming about, I don’t think I’d want to know what’s going on. Any, yes, the cats would be in the fruit cellar with me and the better half.
• You know what’s offensive about the whole Kramer-saying-the-n-word-at-a-nightclub story? Not Kramer saying naughty words. The “offended’ audience members wanting money for the whole thing. And is it any shock that bottom-feeder Gloria Allred is representing the plaintiffs?
Wait a second, Kramer apologized to Jesse Jackson and Poo-face? Were they in the audience, too? N*ggas plz.
• I’m in a bit of a pickle. You see, I’ve been called many things in my life – asshole, sexist, Jew, fag, bad tipper. And those are some of the nicer labels thrown at me. Another title I've earned over the years is “hard to shop for.” If you buy me an article of clothing, I won’t wear it. And other than watching movies, playing video games and listening to music, I really don’t spend disposable income on anything else, and if you try to buy me one of these three things I either already own what you purchased, or I’ll never get around to play/watch/listen to whatever you got. It’s not because I’m some sort of snob, but rather because I’m generally content with my possessions. Yeah, it’s always nice to get more stuff, but I’m not going to go bonkers just because I don’t get latest John Madden football game during its launch date. Actually, I only did this once with the 2003 edition, and I haven’t even purchased the last two Madden games to come out. Anyway, the better half always bitches because she can never figure out what to get me for Christmas or my birthday. Gee, sorry to disappoint you, yet again; at least this time it's out of the bedroom. I’ll try to be more superficial and materialistic next year. Well this year she’s CONVINCED that she got me a gift I’ll never expect. The problem is I already know what it is. It’s the most recent South Park DVD to come out. How do I know this? Elementary. Basically, I saw her looking at it in a Thanksgiving Day circular, and when she said how much money she was getting off the regular price, I did 1+1 and came up with South Park Season 8. So should I be an asshole and tell her that I already know, or should I just keep my mouth shut. Actually, if she really wanted to surprise me she would get those James Bond DVDs that were just released, or Adobe Creative Suite 2 that is for sale at her workplace for just a fraction of its retail price.
And she seems so proud of being able to “stump” me this year.
2:15 p.m.
• So yesterday I stopped with my Target trip. Our two primary stores were Kohl’s and Target, and with these two gone we just decided to visit other stores just for the heck of it. There were a few more things on our list, but these items probably weren’t going to be on sale and in all likelihood still on the shelves by the time we come around to them.
As we drove from Target out toward some other stores in Greensburg, Mrs. kkk asked if we could go to Lowe’s and get some Christmas decoration for the house. Whatever. We pulled in and she went into Lowe’s while I went into that area’s Target store. I already made my purchases so this was more for recon purposes. Even with a story in my neck of the woods siphoning off customers, this place was still pretty packed. This only reinforced my theory of never going to a Wal-Mart to start off the Black Friday season. Good God I can only imagine the white trash running roughshod over there. Anyway, the reason I mention this event is because the highlight of my day came while at this store. While walking down this one aisle there were these two obese older people walking and the wife was screaming at the husband, and I just had to eavesdrop. Wait, fuck that. This wasn’t eavesdropping. I was in a public place and they were yelling. You can’t help but not hear what they were saying. I’m not sure what happened, but I guess they had planned a certain shopping strategy but the guy screwed it up. And they don’t own cell phones. The best line went something like, “I was waiting FORVER and I couldn’t reach you because you’re too damn cheap to get a cell phone!” My God was this hilarious. And I wasn’t the only one listening. As I turned my head this Asian chick walking beside me was also unsuccessfully trying to hold back her laughter. I made the remark, “Gee, I wonder why he wouldn’t her to be in contact with him 24/7 with a cell phone,” which got a legit LOL from her. After a walk around the store, I went into Lowe’s, met Mrs. kkk while she bought her thing and heard her plans for the next 10 home improvement projects she has in store for our house. Yay. Too bad I won’t be doing any of that shit. Total purchase: $21. No discount.
After that was Wal-Mart. Like I said earlier, I would NEVER go into one of these stores to start out my Black Friday shopping. I’ve seen Internet video of these mobs and I’ll pass. I’m not one who tends to get trampled but why expend all that extra energy holding your ground when it can be applied to better things? Generally, once it’s past 8 a.m. the Wal-Mart around me tends to clear out. We swooped in and bought a bunch of DVDs for us and for some family members. Total purchase: $55. Savings: $80.
After Wal-Mart we walked into a few stores that is also in this area’s shopping center but didn’t purchase anything. I did want to stop at a nearby Big Lots, of which I am not a regular customer. I now have come to the following conclusion: Wal-Mart isn’t the pinnacle of white trash consumerism, at least in my region. Holy hell was this place open up my eyes. As I walked in I noted the plethora of “warning/recall” flyers posted about products this store sells. Then the customers too poor for Wal-Mart. Yikes. And the gifts. Beer Pong. Nice. Of course, I found this cheap crap for my mother that she will think I spent all day shopping for. Wait, she can’t be that naïve. Then again, this is the same woman that allowed my father to impregnate her. Mrs. kkk bought some extra garland and I got some cheap-ass stickers. Total cost. $21. No idea what I saved. I know many of my fellow customers saved on deodorant because they didn’t use any. And there’s something to say about visible tramp stamps when a woman is trying to control her brood. Wait, does this make me a Big Lots shopper? Fuck.
Next stop was the mall and by this time I was beginning to crash, which usually happens to me at the 10-11 a.m. mark. I was in no mood to browse the department stores, which was a shame because I actually wanted to this year. However, we still had to go to Monroeville for some specific gifts. We went to Suncoast for some hard-to-get movie of the nephew-in-law, along with a few other titles that were on “sale.” Total cost. $28. Total “savings:” $13. I really don’t like Suncoast but they’re not bad for older movies if you don’t feel like ordering it online. Actually, while going through their TV on DVD bin, I had to laugh when I saw this “Married With Children” box. Among the SPEICAL FEATURES included “10 hidden easter eggs.” Uh, if you promote these things on your cover, aren’t they no longer “hidden”? I won’t go into detail about my opinion regarding easter eggs here, but at least now you know what makes me chuckle after 7+ hours worth of shopping.
After perusing the Westmoreland Mall, we headed to Toys R Us for some gifts that I can’t remember. All I know is that the final bill was $43 for a Cabbage Patch Doll and video game. Oh well, at least the video game was $20 off. Many, Toys R Us is another store I can’t imagine starting out at when it’s 6 a.m. Oh, speaking of Toys R Us, here’s a funny story I just remembered from the mall. We went into Kay B because the better half wanted something for this crumb snatcher that one of her friends squirted out a few years back. I had no desire to browse at this place because lots of customers and tight aisles don’t make a good combination. I told her that I’d start waiting in line while she looked for her toy. Much to Kay B’s credit, the line moved rather fast, and I was actually letting people go past me because Mrs. kkk was nowhere in sight. (A few customers actually complimented me on this idea of having one person wait in line while another person looks and said they’ll probably employ this strategy elsewhere.) Well, the better half finally stormed over and said we were leaving. OK then. As we were walking out was bitching about how none of the employees there knew where anything was and she gave up on looking for this thing. I defended the employees by saying this was probably the wrong time to start asking specific questions about item placement and the like. Sorry, but unless the item in question is a front-page “door buster” item you won’t get much help. Sorry, that’s the way it is. Hey, this is Black Friday and we’re dealing with customer service. This isn’t FEMA after a hurricane. OMGBUSHLIEDBLACKPEOPLEDIEDANDGOTEATENINTHESUPERDOME~!
Where was I? Oh, yeah. We then went to Best Buy and I was pleasantly surprised that this place had died down. I was expecting this store to be a madhouse because this store usually has the long customer lines well into the day. And to make matters better, there were a number of uber-priced DVDs still available. In widescreen. We got a few things for some nieces and nephews, along with a few things for ourselves. Total price: $111. Total savings: $30.
After a return stop to Wal-Mart to get some gift cards that I forgot to pick up the first time ($75), it was off to Monroeville. The first stop was to a specialty craft store to pick up some model car for my one nephew-in-law who I hope to work for in some high-paying/remedial position in his company once he graduates college 10-15 years from now. Christ, this kid is smarter than me and he’s in middle school. Then again, that’s not saying much. Anyway, we spent $17 dollars there and also $31 dollars at a craft store to get the stuff that Mrs. kkk wasn’t able to get at Kay B. Hey, we saved $30 on some easel thingy, so yay. While we were in the neighborhood, we stopped by this town’s local mall and didn’t get anything. Wait, I lied. We did get something. There was a kiosk peddling these tickets for some hippie Shittsburgh cultural shows. Basically the deal was $95 for a pair of tickets in the best section of the auditorium with the gift recipient able to select from one of five different shows this upcoming summer. Not sure what the savings, if any, are for this, but it was a great gift idea and now we don’t have to worry about Mrs. kkk’s boss. Plus the better half will be splitting the price with her other co-worker, so this would only be $50 for us.
Final numbers. Approximate Black Friday purchases: $750. Approximate savings: $570. Not bad, especially considering the number of non-holiday/gift-card/non-discounted purchases made. And I still have a month to fish out other deals.
Well Thanksgiving was harmless enough. No crack whore. No out-of-control teen niece-in-law. Just food. And lots of it. I’m generally a no-frills eater, and Turkey Day is no exception to this rule. Just give me turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and corn and I’m happy. I love yams, but they get in the way, as do green beans. As for the other shit that’s put out on our buffet spread, bah, I don’t care. Since the better half can’t eat poultry because it gets her sick, she always makes these veggie dishes that make me want to gag. This year her concoction involved several different kinds of peppers, onions and stringy green beans. She also made these hippie stuffed mushroom things, which weren’t much better. And guess who had to hold both containers in his lap during the drive to the in-laws? Yep.
After stuffing myself silly on this one day of the year where it’s OK to be a pig (I had three full plates worth of the goodness mentioned above; I was so sick afterward I couldn’t get up from the recliner), there is another tradition I have taken part in the last few years. That tradition is going out on Black Friday to be one of those idiots trying to get good deals at 6 a.m. Unfortunately, I did no such thing this year. There were some things I would have gobbled up like the food I had consumed the day before, but I made a promise to myself that the better half’s credit card debt comes first. Oh the sacrifices I make.
The funny thing about Black Friday is that with all the stupid stories I have about life at the Quickie Mart, the food-service industry and the theater, along the other day-to-day experiences I have encountered during my brief time on this planet, I really don’t have any Black Friday experiences worth telling. I think part of the reason is that because I’m a strapping young lad most people don’t try to trample over me in order to get to that $20 DVD player. I mean, I’ve heard people bitching while at Best Buy or Kohls trying to get a $5 toaster or $3 video game, but it was nothing worth repeating. Basically, whenever I’m in one of these situations I just stay in line and zone out because I know I’ll be standing around for quite a long time. In lieu of any worthwhile Black Friday stories, let me try and remember what I got last year at this time.
Best Buy: Hell, I don’t remember. Probably some DVDs.
Target: Some DVD’s, I think. I know that’s when I got Napoleon Dynamite and that Family Guy Stewie Special. Now for those that always label me a negative ninny, let me say that I’m not actually all that upset for dredging through the Black Friday mess for these two DVDs: one that was disappointing and the other that was a full-fledged piece of shit. In fact, I’m glad I bought Napoleon Dynamite at the price I did because otherwise I would have had to kill someone for paying a higher price for that garbage.
Kohls: Some “Scene It?” games, a food vacuum sucker thing, a mini fryer that’s been used all of one time, and some other shit I can’t remember.
Office Max: A shredder, these nice computer speakers and some work-related office supplies stuff. Call me an employee with a bad attitude if you want, but one thing I know how to do is keep my department’s costs down.
Mall: I don’t think I got anything.
GameStop: A few video games, Star Wars Battlefront being the one that jumps out. Oh, and NHL ’06 and Grand Turismo 3.
Wal-Mart: I think last year was when I got a vacuum “lite” for the basement. Not quite a “real” vacuum, but not a hand-held either. Still works rather well.
All in all, I remember saving several hundred dollars, so yes, missing out on this year’s Black Friday did take some willpower for me to accomplish. Good thing that “turkey dope” didn’t make me all that motivated to get up and go shopping the next day. Well, that and staying up until 4 a.m. playing video games. Oh, and did I mention that aside from the things I bought for Mrs. kkk, all of this shit was purchased for me? You people with the somewhat normal families and your holiday get-togethers: keep 'em. I want none of that shit.
6 p.m.
• So I started out by waking up at 2:45 a.m. to get ready for a 4 a.m. opening at Kohl’s. The store is only 15 minutes away, but I knew I wasn’t getting my ass up the first time my alarm clock went off. Especially since I ate a bunch of turkey the night before and watched the night game with the Colts at Atlanta. After hitting the snooze alarm a half-dozen or so times, I took my shower. Even the cats were surprised at how early I was getting up. We I get up for work at 5:15 a.m., that usually causes them to mill about until they get fed breakfast. This time they just laid in place until I got out of the shower and put their food in their dishes.
I knew waking up the better half was going to be a challenge, and I was right. She’s not exactly what you call a “morning person.” Now I’m not really an early bird riser myself, but when you get up 5-6 times a week at 5 a.m. in order to pay your mortgage and put food on the table you adjust. Well, Mrs. kkk doesn’t. When I turned on my nightstand lamp to put in my contacts, I woke her up. Now I have no idea what she was trying to say because she was mostly whining in foreign tongues. However, she did get up, get dressed and was in the car when I left for Kohl’s at 3:40 a.m.
I was curious to see how many people would wake up even earlier from the last time I took part in Black Friday. In 2005 Kohl’s was open at 5 a.m. (one hour earlier than most, if not all, the other local stores in my area) – now they were opening at 4 a.m. This should be an interesting social experiment. Well, the parking lot was near-full when we pulled in at 6 a.m. OK, so it’s going to be busy, but not “Best Buy” busy. I told the better half to get her target gift basket and I was going to go after my shoes that I had lined up. When we both got what we wanted, we’d look around before checking out. Well, I got to the shoe section, and I found the shoes I was looking for. However, my worst fears came to fruition. These shoes weren’t comfortable. I knew there was a catch. No problem, there was another brand that caught my eye, and although they were a bit more expensive, the quality was more than worth the extra few dollars. Besides, I was still saving $28 per pair (I bought two pair – one brown, one black). I met Mrs. kkk and we proceeded to get in line – a line that was halfway around the store. I knew this would happen, but because of my extra dilly-dallying we would have to wait in line a bit more than I had expected. It was then I discovered a terrible oversight.
I forgot my wallet.
Oh you got to be shitting me. Here's what happened. On Turkey Day I was over the in-laws’ house. My crack-whore niece-in-law was at this event. My crack-whore niece-in-law is a thief (she got busted while a teen at Wal-Mart). I kept my wallet at home. I forgot to put my wallet back in my coat pocket. Shit. Well, I told Mrs. kkk that I was going to zip home and get the wallet while she stayed in line. She asked if there would be enough time. I assured her there would be. I was right.
When I got back, the better half was “happily” waiting in line. I took this time to explore a few departments and found a nice deal on this press-iron-thingy that could be of great use. After the better half took a few DVDs off the impulse rack for her one non-crack-whore niece, our total bill was $165 with $205 in savings. We arrived at 4 a.m. and left the store together at 5:30 a.m. Good score. We got several things that were high on our priority list (shoes, gift basket), were able to get something that was likely to be off the shelves right away (gift basket for a better half’s co-worker – Mrs. kkk noted that there were only two left on the shelves at just past 5 a.m.), found a great deal on something that I didn’t see until we actually got in the store (press iron thingy) and managed to get one item crossed off on one niece-in-law’s list (DVD). The first store is, in my opinion, is always the most important. Here’s what I look for when picking a “first store.” My answers to each question are in italics.
1) If you were to visit later in the day, will the items you covet the most at this place be sold out? As I said above, I new the gift baskets would be gone, and I wasn’t sure about the shoes.
2) Is this first store near other stores that you can immediately plunder visit? There’s a Target in the same shopping center complex as Kohl’s, and this store wasn’t opening until 5 a.m. Perfect timing, especially since there are several items at Target that are high on my list of things-to-get.
3) Will the wait in line, which will be long, be worth what you get? I saved $205 while spending $165. Works for me.
4) Who are the customers surrounding you? There’s a reason I don’t go to Wal-Mart for my first store on Black Friday.
As we got into the car and headed over to Target, I thought it was odd that the store’s parking lot wasn’t at all full. That’s weird, the store is closed. The flyer said doors will open at 5 a.m. and it’s now 5:30 a.m. Hey, now I see people waiting outside. What the hell? Wait a second, I’m looking at Target’s Black Friday circular. Shit, I misread the “doors opening” line. It’s 6 a.m., not 5 a.m. Actually, this just might play into our favor. With the time being 5:30, this will give us time to visit the nearby Dunkin’ Donuts, get a flavored coffee and bagel and awaken our senses to what is probably going to be one of the more challenging excursions of the day. And once, again, I was right.
The good news is that with this Target opening up, it probably sucked away some customers from the Target about 10-15 minutes farther on down the road in nearby Greensburg. Less customers, more available products. Good. I remember the last few times I went to Greensburg Target on Black Friday the lines were insane. Well, this year’s experience is a perfect reason why I try not to use a cart. Unless a product is so f’n heavy that you can’t pick it up and carry it, steer free of carts. That mobility is crucial when zipping in and out of aisles. This year was no exception. One of the big items available were these video game chairs, and some soccer moms had 2-3 in their carts. With so many people using carts, there was literal gridlock in the electronics/toy department. I swear to Christ it was like New York City’s rush hour. Nobody could move and I heard a familiar phrase, “Oh, I’m so sorry for running into you.” I guess this is how EricMM must feel when riding his organic bike and seeing SUV’s own the road. However, I’m not one for requiring a “sales cart” tax or similar fascist measures. Instead, I take advantage of my mobility and cut in and out of traffic lanes hell-bent on getting my prized items for this stop: one of those above-mentioned video game chairs, some remote controlled helicopter and a bunch of DVDs.
While scanning the possibilities of trying to maneuver in the toy department, I came across this middle-aged guy who probably wasn’t used to this insanity. He made a remark to me about how crazy this experience was, which prompted me to say something like, “if it wasn’t for those pesky social mores I would lift my arms into attack formation and plow down some of these people in front of me.” He response was that this congestion reminded him of the Parkway East, which got a laugh from both of us. Fortunately for him, he reached one of the end aisles to the toy department and snagged some doll thing which must have been a popular seller because there were only a few left. I said “congratulations,” which elicited the response, “this was the only thing I came in here to get.” Well, at least he got what he was gunning for. I was able to weave in and out of stagnant cart-pushers, and get that helicopter-thing. Fortunately, the video game chair was in a spot away from the congestion, so I picked that up and headed to the register. As I met up with the better half, I noticed that the checkout lines weren’t bad at all, which was a bit of a surprise. This then caused me to say, “I’m going back in – wait for me.” Due to my agility advantage over most of my fellow shoppers, I bobbed and weaved through the masses to the DVD section and snagged eight DVDs/TV seasons/value packs I had in my sights, including a few that Mrs. kkk couldn’t find in widescreen format. (Her goal in Target was to get a few DVDs, which is what she did while I was on my “chopper” hunt.)
Total bill for Target: $142. Total savings: $193.
But there’s more…
Might as well get these out of the way first. Rest of the games will be coming later today:
(2.5) Miami at Detroit
Normally Detroit, no matter how shitty they are all season, seem to get up for this one time they are on national television, but I feel like ruining the Dolphins' winning streak by picking them instead.
Tampa Bay at Dallas (11.5)
Dallas will probably win, although this is could be a letdown week for them. Because of that, I'm going with the upset or a close Cowboys win.
Denver at Kansas City (1.5)
It's a divisional game, and it's pretty much a straight-up pick 'em. I'll go with the Chiefs for the heck of it.
Arizona at Minnesota (6.5)
I’m eyeing that point spread with caution, but I think the Vikings will be able to pull this one out.
(4.5) Carolina at Washington
Time for Carolina to do that second-half-of-season run, and I’m only a few weeks late in jumping on this train.
Chicago at New England (3.5)
I heard someone today mention this as a possible Super Bowl match-up. Or should I say rematch? That got me the thinking about the last time these two met in the Super Bowl, with Chicago crushing New England. I also remembered the two teams making music videos. Most every football fan from the 1980s remembers the Bears’ Super Bowl Shuffle, but I also recall the Patriots song. I don’t remember much about it, but the chorus went something like, “New England, the Patriots and me,” or something like that. I actually preferred the Pats song over the Bears as a kid, and after re-watching both I remember why I liked it better. I'm a fag. Well, that and also because I think it satisfied my ADD. I also remember the New York Mets had a tune of their own, but the only thing I remember about that is some guy in the video treating several Met players like bobblehead dalls, and they beat him up. Ha. That guy was Joe Piscopo. Oh, yeah. I take the Patriots in this one; I think their defense will be too much for Rex Grossman.
(3.5) Cincinnati at Cleveland
The battle of Ohio. I think the Bengals will win and start a run for a Wild Card spot.
Houston at N.Y. Jets (5.5)
After a tough loss to the Bears and with the Texans coming in, I’d normally go with the Jets, but that point spread. Oh what the hell. I’ll take them anyway.
(3.5) Jacksonville at Buffalo
I’m a little surprised at this spread, which is why I’ll take the Jags on the road.
New Orleans at Atlanta (3.5)
Even though I think the Saints might be in the start of a predicted late-season fall, I can’t go with the Falcons with how shitty they have played as of late.
(3.5) N.Y. Giants at Tennessee
Like the Jacksonville game, the point spread surprises me. Then again, Tennessee can play a team tough. Nevertheless, I’ll go with the Giants on the road.
Philadelphia at Indianapolis (9.5)
First the Eagles lost McNabb. Now they face a Colts team that had its first loss of the season. I’ll take Indy, even with the spread.
Pittsburgh at Baltimore (2.5)
If Baltimore wins, hopefully this will shut up the idiot Steeler fans who think the black and gold are still in playoff contention. This is a physical rivalry, but the Ravens play the Steelers good at home. Throw in McNair, and I’ll also throw in a few touchdown passes.
San Francisco at St. Louis (5.5)
San Francisco has been playing well as of late, and St. Louis has been screwing me over. Fuck the Rams.
Oakland at San Diego (13.5)
I don’t like that spread, and I’ve won with Oakland losing somewhat close games as of late. I think that streak ends with a blowout, especially with what happened the last time these two played earlier in the season.
Green Bay at Seattle (10.5)
I’m taking Seattle, and I STILL don’t know who is starting at quarterback and running back.
9 p.m.
• So today was Black Friday, and I swear to Christ this is my favorite time of the year. And why wouldn’t it be? Most social uppity-ups tend to bitch about this day because it shows the general public as a bunch of greedy, materialistic malcontents. And to this I say: so what? Look, I’m not advocating trampling over some blue-hair to get a $20 DVD player (unless of course she tries to take it out of your hands). Shit, that $20 DVD player will probably break down after two hours, but that’s not the point. There’s stuff out there. You want it. It’s cheap. Do what you want. And that’s just what I did this morning.
I am a novice in the grand scheme of things when it comes to Black Friday. I started taking part in this annual event a few years ago, and last year I sat it out due to money matters. However, I was back on the wagon this year and in full force with Mrs. kkk. Now, I got my battle plans on Turkey Day when the local newspaper packed its holiday edition with the pages upon pages of colorful ads promoting “door buster” savings and “unbeatable” deals. As I scanned through the ads I took note as to what those on my Christmas list had on their Christmas list, but more importantly I took note as to what I wanted. Yes, much of my Black Friday shopping is for me. I have no kids. My family is almost non-existent. Friends? Nigga plz. Co-workers? I asked my current place of employment about the general attitude toward gift-giving back in 2004 and almost had my head snapped off. So Black Friday is My Friday.
As I said before, I’m not a seasoned vet at doing this early morning shopping thing, but I do consider myself to be a fast learner. Back in 2004 I started out at Best Buy when the clock turned 6 a.m. and that was a total disaster. A huge-ass crowd, disorganized lines, products that weren’t worth the wait. In 2005 I decided to begin at the nearby Kohl’s, which was a better idea because, if memory serves, this store was open at 5 a.m., one hour before everyone else. This year I decided to start out at Kohl’s again. Not only was this Kohl’s now going to be open at 4 A.M. but also there were some shoes that caught my eye and were deeply discounted. The better half also wanted to get a $70 gift basket that was discounted to $20. My theory was that by striking here early, this would give us enough time to scoot over to Target, which was recently built in the same complex as the above-mentioned Kohl’s. After this, we would head out down the road to Wal-Mart, several other stores of interest, the local mall, Best Buy, followed by a trip to another nearby community where there were several stores Mrs. kkk wanted to visit. Sounds good, but did everything go as planned? Were there some flies in the ointment? Was there enough Jew in me to sniff out the real bargains from the bargains-in-name-only?
You’ll have to find out tomorrow. Because I’ve been up since 2:45 a.m. and I’m tired. Real tired.
10:15 a.m.
• Well, in two-and-a-half hours I will be over the in-laws place for another Thanksgiving excursion. Yay. Actually, the last few years haven’t been that bad. We show up, Mrs. kkk has me carry these nasty veggie dishes in, along with a dessert or two that’s much more tolerable, and we eat. Also included in this meal are the brother-in-law, along with his wife and two kids. Not a bad day. Years ago, the crack-whore sister-in-law and the out-of-control niece took part. However, ever since the crack-whore sister-in-law really hit rock bottom a few years ago (and decided to stay there) she hasn’t been attending, which isn’t a bad thing. Actually, the first time she boycotted us we all commented that this was the best Turkey Day outing in recent memory. The highlight came at about 1:15 p.m. when the crack-whore called and asked my father-in-law if he was still going to pick her up the next day to go to a laundromat that’s only a block or two down from her ghetto apartment complex. She then expressed shock that she called in the midst of us eating, even though the in-law have always had Thanksgiving “dinner” at 1 p.m.
Well this year is going to be extra special because the crack-whore out-of-control niece is scheduled to attend with her boyfriend. Oh yay. Months ago she moved out of the in-laws residence and the crashing and burning has been going strong. I can’t remember the last time I saw this person, but I remember that the last time I did I commented on how “downhill” she has fallen. Please note I said this out of joy rather than pity because once the crack-whore sister-in-law meets that kidney dialysis machine in the sky we need someone else to pick up the torch and give me plenty of white trash stories to tell to you all. However, I must admit I think the out-of-control niece-in-law will probably die sometime soon and the crack-whore sister-in-law will outlive me. But that’s neither here nor there. It’ll be interesting to see how many people shun her at this event. I also know that I won’t be bringing my wallet.
Over the last few weeks, the niece-in-law has been dropping hints to my mother-in-law about wanting to come back to her house. Much to my surprise, the mother-in-law has stood firm, or at least as firm as she can. The only victim in this whole story is the poor kitten the niece-in-law has adopted a few months back that has (I’m sure) gone without its shots and other related vet care. Every time I hear a story about the niece-in-law – whether it’s getting busted for crack, getting busted for a domestic disturbance or getting warrants for not appearing in court, my first and only reaction is “but is the cat OK?”
On a somewhat related note, here’s a story about other in-laws that I have to see once or twice every year. The welfare collecting in-law relatives that host that Memorial Day cookout recently complained about having to cook a Thanksgiving Day meal. This caused the welfare collecting test tube family (think toothless Mexican) to invite them over to their house for Turkey Day. The matriarch of the test tube bunch then went out and bought used food stamps to get a bunch of food. I knew trouble was brewing when the Memorial Day welfare household then went out and got a Thanksgiving turkey anyway late last week (the reason given for this was because they wanted “leftovers). The test tube family then got a message on their answering machine at 10:45 p.m. on Monday from the other welfare family saying that they weren’t going to attend because …. It was supposed to rain on Thanksgiving and they didn’t want to get wet. No, I’m not making this up. Why would I have to when you’ve got material like this to use?
10 a.m.
• Time for Turkkkey Day Pickkks.
(3.5) Green Bay at Detroit. Christ, I don’t know how to take this one. Green Bay should win. However, the Lions have played a tough game or two on Turkey Day game. Every fiber of my being is telling me to bold “Green Bay,” but like an idiot I am not.
N.Y. Jets at Dallas. (14.5) I don’t see the Jets upsetting two playoff teams in a row. However, I have to say Rush may have had a point this past week when he said to a caller that the Jets players got pissed when they saw as many Steeler fans at that game than hometown fans. I have admit I knew my chances of the Steelers winning by 10+ points were dashed after that trick play (flea-flicker?), but I couldn’t help but laugh to hear all the boos that sprung forth after that play was successfully executed.
(11.5) Indianapolis at Atlanta. I actually had to pause when making this decision. Could Atlanta pull off the upset and lose by single digits? Well, I went with Detroit earlier, so I need to salvage this day.
Buffalo at Jacksonville (7.5). Jacksonville seems to resemble the Steelers in that they tend to play down to their competition at times. Here’s hoping this is one of those instances.
Denver at Chicago (2.5). The Broncos have been my bane this season so I’m picking them, which only means they’ll lose big.
Houston at Cleveland. 3.5 Houston started out OK, then sputtered. I’ll go with the Browns because they still have a legit shot at winning the AFC North. Wow, who would have thought about that in August?
Minnesota at N.Y. Giants (7.5). Here’s hoping the Vagiants begin that late-season collapse they are famous for.
New Orleans (3.5) at Carolina. The Saints lose a bunch of games. Then win a bunch. Now they’ve lost a few. Too bad the Panthers are terrible at home.
Oakland at Kansas City. (5.5) I’ve tried the “they have to win SOME TIME” line of thought with the Raiders. I’ve given up. I guess they were content with winning their season’s quota of games early on and coasting to the rest of the way toward the top pick in next year’s draft.
(3.5) Seattle at St. Louis. The Rams winning streak ends.
(1.5) Tennessee at Cincinnati. I’m calling the upset baby. No reason.
Washington at Tampa Bay. (3.5) Hmm, I’m getting nothing from this one. Tampa’s favored. They seem to be doing OK for an NFC South team. Sure, I’ll take ‘em.
San Francisco at Arizona. (10.5) What the hell happened to the 49ers? I was actually rooting for them to win the division because I’m sick of seeing Seattle in the playoffs. I can’t wait to see how the Cardinals will look next year with Fanaca anchoring that line.
Baltimore at San Diego (9.5). Both teams have boned me this year. I’d take San Diego to win, but not by that spread.
Philadelphia at New England. (22.5) This is getting hilarious. I’m sorry, but I tried to come up with a reason to bet against the Pats. I couldn’t.
Miami at Pittsburgh. (15.5) I’m hoping this is a “bounce back” game for the Steelers. I wonder if Joey Porter will do something special in this contest for the Dolphins?
Well it’s that time of the year again. Time to give thanks. Time for family. Eh. I’m giving thanks I don’t give a shit about my family. Mom came over Sunday. She just graduated from Jesus school and is going to do God-knows-what. Hey, I made a funny. I don’t hate her or anything – it’s just that we were never really close. She spent the 1980s and 1990s working and going to night school, and I spent that time with baby sitters and latch keys. I think part of this is the reason why family doesn’t mean that much to me. Then again, it could also be because my family is fucking insane, but then again most families are. That’s what makes them families. My old man, well, I haven’t spoken to him in about a year-and-a-half since the wedding. I don’t really know what happened to cause this so-called “rift,” but I have an idea as to what caused it.
It was three Thanksgivings ago, and I already my Turkey Day itinerary lined up for a week. First it was an early afternoon stop at the future in-laws. Later on that day, I had a restaurant dinner set up with the old lady. She was in Ohio at the time and stopped by the Shittsburgh region to see me (God knows why) and some other people she knows around here. I was supposed to meet her around 4 p.m. She called me a week or two before Thanksgiving, and I jotted her down in my ever-so-filled social calendar. Then it happened. The night before Thanksgiving, I get a call from the old man and asks if I want to go to his house for turkey day. That’s where it all went downhill.
You see, my parents have been divorced for more than 20 years now, and my policy of who gets what holiday with me (you’d figure they’d fight over who doesn’t have to spend holidays with me) was first-come first-serve. This rule was used often when I lived away from Shittsburgh, especially when I took up residence in Ohio for a few years. If one parent called and asked if they could stop over for a holiday, my time is booked. Several times my old man called me before the old lady for a Christmas visit or something similar, and I would tell my mom that “dad already beat you to it.” She’d understand and come over another time. Well, this Thanksgiving was the first time I had to bump dad off the list. You see, he lives more than one hour away, and I wasn’t about to cut my mom’s time short from her Thanksgiving visit. I was going to be at the future in-laws from 1 p.m. to about 3 p.m. Then it was time to see the old lady for a few hours. There was no way I would then drive out for a third Thanksgiving visit. Call me a bad son, and I’ll agree with you. Because of this, the old man now thinks I’m “ignoring” him and I haven’t heard hardly a peep from him in three years. Oh well. I’ve managed to survive thus far without his … uniqueness. Want to know what he’s like? Well, the scary thing is I see a lot of him in me, but there are two major difference. Difference one: I’m not a union Democrat. Difference two: I know I’m full of shit. Other than that, the similarities I see between the two of use downright scares me.
But all this was three years ago. Tomorrow it’s just one visit to the in-laws. This will probably be one of the better Thanksgivings I’ve experienced over there, considering the crack-whore sister-in-law probably won’t be in attendance. The first year she decided to “show us” and not arrive was one of the better Thanksgiving encounters I experienced. The highlight was when the crack-whore called in the middle of dinner to ask if someone would drive her to the laundromat. Of course, she had NO idea that we were eating at the time. No, she just called at the same time that her family has had this annual dinner since, well, forever. This year should be even better because the crack-whore’s out-of-control teen daughter will probably be away, too. The reason? She’s fighting with the mother-in-law and was recently caught lying, which is resulting in the mother-in-law taking this chick off of her auto insurance, or some shit like that. Ever since this fight, which took place a week ago, this chick hasn’t been back home (she “lives” with my mother-in-law because, well, her mom’s a crack whore). Anyway, this self-imposed exile will probably mean I don’t have to put up with her presence.
Hey, maybe I do have something to be thankful for this year.
8 a.m.
• Wow, After years of finding the 382,234,672,236,190 worst things that you can do to a Muslim male, from having poorly positioned hospital beds to having pre-marital sex, I think I finally found something it has to be in the Top 10, if not higher.
No wonder they hate Western culture.
Man, it wasn't an easy choice to lead off with that joke when there's also a sure-fire "convert to Catholicism" crack to be had. Oh well, I made my joke. I'm standing by it.
With the Thanksgiving games coming up, I might as well provide the week-that-was early on.
Atlanta at Baltimore (4.5). Correct.
And the Falcons looked pretty good at the start of this season. What happened?
Buffalo at Houston (2.5). Correct.
I made a last-second switch to Buffalo, and it’s a good thing I did.
(6.5) Chicago at N.Y. Jets. Correct.
I also made an audible at the line of scrimmage with this game. Woo-hoo. The Jets played them tough, but the Bears defense played New York tougher.
Cincinnati at New Orleans (3.5). Correct.
I didn’t think the Saints would win this, but I thought the game would be closer than this. I wonder if this is the start of New Orleans’ slide down the standings.
(1.5) Indianapolis at Dallas. Incorrect.
OK, so Dallas has defeated a quality team (I’m sure a case can be made for the Cowboys win at Carolina, but that’s beside the point), but the Colts had to lose a game sometime. Much like how this week may have been the start of the Saints’ decline, I wonder if this is the start of the Cowboys run to the playoffs.
Minnesota at Miami (3.5). Incorrect.
Missed by half-a-point. Shucks. And most of Miami’s scoring took place on the defensive side of the ball.
(6.5) New England at Green Bay. Correct.
I had a feeling this could be a blowout. I like it when I’m on the winning side of these games.
Oakland at Kansas City (9.5). Correct.
Keep those close losses coming Oakland. I need all the help I can get.
(3.5) Pittsburgh at Cleveland. Incorrect.
Shit. I watched this game, and the Browns should have won. But in typical Cleveland fashion, they found a way to screw it up.
St. Louis at Carolina (7.5). Incorrect.
Bah. I thought the Rams would be able to score at least one touchdown.
Tennessee at Philadelphia (13.5). Correct.
I didn’t think Tennessee would win. I also didn’t think McNabb would tear his ACL. Ouch.
Washington at Tampa Bay (3.5). Incorrect.
Another half-point loss. I know of nothing else to say about this game.
Detroit at Arizona (2.5). Correct.
For as bad as Arizona is, Detroit is worse. Much worse. Well, maybe not much worse, but worse nevertheless.
(6.5) Seattle at San Francisco. Incorrect.
Has San Francisco improved that much? I don’t think so. Perhaps I should start paying attention to see which starters for Seattle are still on the injured list.
San Diego at Denver (2.5). Correct.
I’m sure Drew Brees couldn’t get the Chargers to much better a start to the season’s first half than Philip Rivers has. Then again, having a star running back, tight end and stingy defense can’t hurt, either.
N.Y. Giants at Jacksonville (3.5). Incorrect.
Poor Emily. And what was up with Jack Del Rio wearing that suit?
This week’s record: 9-7
Cumulative record: 78-82
With several losing games decided by a half-point, I feel like this week is a loss.
8:05 p.m.
• It's not even five minutes into the new "Ghost Whisperer" and the better half is already yelling out "Fuck you!" to the television. Not even the voice of Micheal Savage up here in the second-floor computer room can drown out her cries of rage coming from the first-floor living room. What's going on with this show? Don't ask.
"Ghost Whisperer." Michael Savage. No wonder kkk Jr. decided to off herself in the womb.
10:30 p.m.
• I don't pay much attention to the NBA and the money issues of teams. I do hear about how some teams are more concerned with clearing salary cap room than trying to be competitive on the court, and I guess if you are trying to think "big picture" then it might be necessary. But seriously, if you are a Knicks fan, why would you even bother following this team for the next several years?
I mean, I've constantly heard the "wait 'till next year" often enough, especially since the Pirates are my hometown team (actually, they don't even bother to say that anymore), but to dump players and free up cap room for the possibility of getting a big name in 2010?!
Then again, I don't live in an NBA city, so what do I know? I'm sure the people they traded away probably won't make the Knicks much better than they would be without them. Who knows. Who cares.I remember back in the 1990s some people actually thought Shittsburgh could support a professional basketball team. Too bad they could never get enough people to attend an NBA preseason game. Oh, and then there was some minor-league team called the Piranhas that lasted a season or two.
Check that. Make it a season. Hey, at least they made it to the finals in their year of existence.
Hmm, there is also a Pittsburgh Piranhas women's hockey organization. OK.
10 p.m.
• Well, it's been a while since I've posted anything. Oh well. Let's see, what should I talk about? How about commercials.
You know what ads I routinely can't stand? Those Enterprise commercials -- especially this one:
...
Aww, fuck. I can't find the video on YouTube. It's the one with the chick asking some guy what type of lingerie she should wear: the red or the black. The guy says "both." Then the Enterprise people pick them up and they drive a rented vehicle to some hotel, and then the creepy voice-over guy says, "romantic weekends." Man I hate Enterprise commercials.
First off, every time I hear that guy say "both" at the start of the ad I get a flashback to my idiot ex-boss. No, I wasn't asking him what naughty night-ware I should put on. I was given this 6-month assignment whose monthly deadlines fell at the same time as the job I was hired to actually do (not to mention other increasing duties that made my job impossible to do). When I asked my enlightened powers-that-be what should be dealt with first I got the typical "no answer" and they tried to go on to another subject. I interjected. Several times. Finally, the idiot says "both." I then questioned his leadership skills and noted that I was going to report his lack of management skills to our board (aka the "rubber stamp" brigade). Fun times ensued. Nothing was going to become of any of this dick-waving, but it's always fun to be an asshole.
Dick-waving. Asshole. Maybe I shouldn't have typed anything tonight.
Now that I have bitched about a series of ads I hate, let me go back to a series of ads I like. I know some of you hate those Free Credit Report.com ads. Well too bad. I like them. Now it's time for me to whip out the ol' ranking scale.
Number 6:
Not bad, but not as good as the other five in my opinion. I'd rather have this on during commercial breaks than most of the other crap out there. Song is a bit blah and there's no noteworthy image. I will say this: I hated that asshole friend who, like the person at 0:11, decides to mess around with the windshield wipers while you're driving. And there's nothing wrong with beat-up rides -- hasn't he heard of Sir Mix-a-Lot's "My Hooptie"?
Number 5:
I like the old lady re-appearing from other, older ads at (0:19) and the pirate hat reference. However, I don't get the whole Renaissance Fair thing. God only knows where that guy is taking the poor goat.
Number 4:
Bitches be trippin'. And what's she all pissed off about? It was HER credit that fucked them over. Oh, and if you married your "dream girl," then there's that thing during the wedding that says, "for better or for worse." Oh, and how about saving up and making a down payment? You two are white, I'm sure there would be a bunch of Jew bankers lining up around your in-law's basement door to take your money.
Number 3:
If you're going to get jiggy with it, you need a better beat. The synthesizer-voice thing does not fit well either. The white guy's facial expression at 0:21 seals the deal for me.
Number 2:
But I don't wanna be a Pirate! Every time I see that old lady make that facial expression at 0:19 I get reminded of all the time I had that look given to me, whether I was a little bastard in church as a kid or starting verbal confrontations with people at polling places during election day. Yee-hah.
Number 1:
That's right, I'm going Commie GREEN! Why do I like this ad over the other five? Several reasons:
1) The music is different than three of the previous ads. Nice change of pace.
2) It's a continuation of the previous ad with the compact car.
3) The old lady is back (0:06)! And I have also received a number of those disgusted looks during my life, too.
I didn't catch this, but apparently the black guy at the start of this ad is also in the "rapper" video. (He's the one taking back his keys.) There's also a shot of pirate hats in several of these ads. Cute.
Christ, I don't post for a week and THIS is what I come up with? Might as well go out on a high note...
• No wonder Seinfeld didn't have any regular black characters. I always liked George and Jerry best, with Kramer coming in third, followed by Elaine at a distant, distant fourth, but after hearing this I might move Cosmo up a spot or two. Giddiap.
Of course, nobody is saying anything about the racist epithets hurled at poor Kramer. “Cracker”? My people deserve better than this. Wait, the guy's a Jew? Nevermind.
• I guess It’s only appropriate a wedding took place where the best truck for this ceremony was called “Grave Digger,” considering the groom is about to embark on a slow death with that ring on his finger. This couple won a contest to get hitched at a monster truck rally, which makes me wonder what the losers of this contest must feel like – will they now attempt to say their vows at the local Wal-Mart or McDonald’s? I was never into monster truck rallies, although I remember when Bigfoot was the shizzle. I'm not sure if that truck is still around, but I do remember Grave Digger back in those days.
• Ryan Howard is the NL’s Most Valuable Player. Fuck those hippie win-share and other gay-ass stats. I say good for him. Now it’s only a matter of time until we find out he takes the roids.
3 p.m.
• What a proud day for my people.
Then again, after it's all said and done, I'm sure each of them will be getting about $20.
I wonder if this incident was part of the HATE CRIME stats that are rising?
LOL at the BBC surprised at this news. Yeah, there's no racism at all up north. Somebody didn't see "Gangs of New York."
9:30 p.m.
• If this isn't a reason to call in sick Monday if you work in the big city, I don't know what is.
Actually, it's funny to watch pedestrians cross streets in cities because it's like a school of fish. Strength in numbers, and if someone gets picked off, there's a good chance it won't be you.
6:45 p.m.
• Now it's time to play "How long have you been posting at TSM?"
Quick. Your first thought.
6:30 p.m.
• This guy gets the boot but the Ninth Circus is still getting funded by taxpayers? If anything, the judge below should get a promotion. If the red diaper doper babies from the Ninth used a coin flip to determine rulings they probably would have a lesser overtuned rate.
• This ain't going to be pretty.
Arizona at Green Bay (3.5). Correct.
This was a gimmie game. However, with my record so far this season I will take all the easy ones I can get.
Atlanta at Cincinnati (4.5). Incorrect.
Ah, shit. Here’s what I said when predicting this game:
But the Bengals are in boldface. Whatever should I do? Well, I go with the bolded team. Goddamnit. The funny thing is I don’t even remember making this week’s picks. I’m almost afraid to look at the rest of these selections.
Baltimore at New Orleans (2.5). Incorrect
I was right. Kinda.
Houston at Tennessee (3.5). Incorrect
Well, I was right when I said while predicting this game that “I have no clue.”
Jacksonville at Philadelphia (6.5). Incorrect.
This ain’t good.
Seattle at Kansas City (6.5). Correct.
Christ, and the Chiefs only covered by half-a-point.
San Francisco at Chicago (16.5). Correct.
Hooray for Chicago. When they play crappy teams they can sure beat the hell out of them.
Tampa Bay at N.Y. Giants (9.5). Incorrect.
What a great time for the Bucs to let a team walk all over them. Faggots.
St. Louis at San Diego (9.5). Correct
The hell? Here’s what I said when predicting this matchup.
Yet I had the Bolts in boldface.
Indianapolis at Denver (2.5). Incorrect.
Depending on how the Colts play against the Patriots, I think this just might be their year.
N.Y. Jets at Cleveland (1.5). Incorrect.
What the hell? Here was my prediction line regarding this game:
Well, at least I was right in my statement.
(9.5) Pittsburgh at Oakland. Correct.
I feel bad for Ben Roethlisberger because I felt he should have never been out on the field this week. The Steelers defense gave up only six points and Ben threw two touchdown passes for the other team. I hope he can rebound from this shitty year, not to mention that off-season from hell. I always liked Ben because he was one of those quarterbacks that just had “it.” Now you need to add a “sh” to the start of that word. Hopefully it’s only for this season.
Dallas at Carolina (5.5). Incorrect.
And the Panthers will have two weeks to stew about this stinker.
(2.5) New England at Minnesota. Correct.
I watched the first part of this game and when Johnson threw that interception near the end zone, I knew the Vikings were doomed.
This week’s record: 6-8. Cumulative record: 53-61
I was only two games under .500 this week? Hell, I’ll take it.
• In other sports news. The Pirates, much to the surprise of the baseball world, passed on picking up the $6 million option on outfielder Jeremy Burnitz. Oh, and the Penguins are 7-3 with Evgeni Malkin scoring seven goals in his first six games. I’m hoping the Pens have a good season so that way all the city so-called leaders can look like even bigger schmucks than they do already when this young team heads off to a city that actually has a decent arena for them to play in. For those that don’t know, Malkin was the Pens’ top draft pick in 2004, but thanks in part to the recent NHL lockout he signed with some Russian team. During the off-season, Malkin defected and there is a brouhaha going on between the Russian team and the NHL. I doubt he’ll be able to keep up this torrid goal-scoring pace through a grueling 80+ game season, but if Malkin can stick it to city officials who don’t give a shit about their NHL franchise and also give the bird to his old Russian team, then I might just have to go get his jersey or something. Actually, I think I’ll wait until the Pens end up in Kansas City, Portland or Seattle before buying ol’ “71.” Oh who am I kidding? I’ve only purchased one jersey in my life and that was more than 10 years ago.
