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Food Network Funky Shit

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Gary Floyd


Well, what did i do other than read, waste time on the internet, and see "Casino Royale" over the weekend? I watched something I never really do watch: The Food Network. As I was watching it, here's the personalities that stuck out the most.


Emeril: I swear, this man is on drugs, because I haven't seen an adult man this excited on television in a long time. The sheer hyperactivity is alarming, because you are waiting for him to have a heart attack down the road. Really, I'm suprised to see that the man is still alive.


Rachael Ray: She's not that ugly. Sure, she sounds like a guy, but she has a decent body. She's pretty damn annoying though, and from what I hear, she has a daytime talkshow now. It's amazing to see a woman so oppsessed with making quick meals.


Alton Brown: AKA Mr. Know it all. This guy really seems to think that he is God's gift to food related television programs. The "humor" applied to his "Good Eats" show is piss poor at best. Also, he looks like a child molester. Come on, look at the motherfucker, he practically screams "Hey kid, I've got candy in my car. Wanna hop in?"


Paula Dean: I have officially found a new induction into my "creepy television" list. This woman honestly scares the shit out of me with her cheerful demenor, love of all things fat and buttery, ungrateful brats, creepy smile, and well, the list goes on. There is no way this lady will ever have a heart attack, since her entire bloodstream is obviously made up of mayo, butter, fat, and high levels of sodium and cholesterol. She's always smiling, which leads me to think she's got some serious psychological issues. Come on, no one smiles that damn much. She's almost always cheerful, causing me to wonder if she's got corpses of sexually abused children in her home like Gacy did. Oh, then there's her two adult sons. Holy shit, is there a bigger pair of fucking ungrateful brats on television today? I think not. Honestly, if I were Paula Dean, I would have killed myself years ago.


So those are the 4 people on The Food Network that scare me the most.

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I feel ashamed to know this but Paula Dean actually does have mental issues and almost commited suicide about 20 years ago but started cooking to ease her tension and found an avenue with that.


Crazy as she is, she does make good chicken.

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To be fair, Lushus, if a 10-year old weighed as much as the skillet bitch, that kid would be on the chunky side.


well yeah, considering 10 year old girls are probably under 100 lbs.

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You never know nowadays.


By age 11, Brooke weighed 180 pounds; a year later, at 5-foot-5, she rose to a shocking 220 pounds, and her doctors classified her as morbidly obese.


Feeling helpless and isolated, Brooke needed a radical approach. She and her family considered gastric bypass surgery but feared it was too risky.


After watching a documentary on weight loss, 12-year-old Brooke decided on liposuction, a procedure thought to sculpt an imperfect body, not treat obesity.




Ersek agreed to go through with the procedure, and removed 35 pounds of fat and fluid from her body. Today, Brooke weighs 153 pounds. She and her family called the surgery a miracle.

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