9/3: Hang Our Current Jury System
7:30 p.m.
• So the better half was a bitch all day and whenever this sort of thing happens I just ignore it the best I can. Usually in these situations any guy will tell you that asking these headcases what’s wrong will get you the obligatory “nothing.” Then, hours later, they’ll do the usual, “honey, I have to tell you something.” Well, snookums, what is bothering you today – A loveless marriage? Not having any kids you can’t afford or will shake to death at the first sign of an all-night screamfest? One of the cats on a weeklong medication? Nope. She’s “uneasy” about going to jury duty tomorrow.
Oh Jesus Christ.
Look, jury duty is an abomination, but there’s nothing worth moping about for days prior to the event. You show up. You sit. You read. If you’re lucky, you go home. If not, you waste your time hearing some DUI case. I had the misfortune of being on a jury once. If you didn’t read the thread I posted in where I talked about my exquisite time performing this civic duty, here goes.
I was summoned during my final semester of college and I had a ton or so responsibilities in my everyday life. I went to the Pittsburgh courthouse and sat all day basically doing nothing. Then, with less than 30 minutes to go in the day this scumbag lawyer and prosecutor are looking over us. I pull out my most recent issue of National Review, making sure the scumbag defense lawyer would see it. However, it didn’t help because I was selected.
The next three days were spent on a case where some guy with a beard about as long as I am tall fighting a DUI arrest. Well, only about 2 hours were spent actually hearing the case – most of the time we were all in this cramped little room doing jack sh*t. Oh I wish I had a Gameboy back then.
Anyway, the highlight of the trial came when the defendant took the stand. When asked why he refused to take a breathalyzer or any other instrument to determine if he was drunk, the guy said all that was against his religion. Turns out he was part of an extreme Lutheran sect (BTW: I’m a confirmed Lutheran) that didn’t believe in breaking the skin (blood test) or doing whatever it is a breathalyzer is supposed to do. He also said his religion forbids getting pictures taken for driver’s licenses and proved it by showing his without a photo. When asked why is all this activity necessary the guy answered that these things are part of some New World Order plot. The Prosecutor then grabbed the guy’s pocket Bible and asked him to look up and justify what he just said.
Later on, when the scumbag defense lawyer was questioning his client, the judge turned away to go over some paperwork for some other case and the scumbag lawyer went up to the stand and began whispering stuff into his client’s ear. I will never forget this exchange as long as I live.
DA: Objection your honor.
Judge: *looks up* On what grounds?
DA: He’s talking to the defendant!
Well, when we went to deliberate there was one woman that didn’t want to vote guilty because she felt bad for the hippie. Another woman didn’t want to vote guilty because she said all cops lie and didn’t believe the cop that testified against the defendant. Another woman didn’t even care what we did and spent the whole time saying how cute the prosecutor was. A guy that originally was to be our foreman didn’t want to be anymore when he found out that the defendant lived in the same community as him. Being the fearless leader that I am, I took the job because I wanted to get the hell out of there.
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