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Stop looking for all the answers

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Hawk 34


I figured that If I'm going to randomly comment on people's blogs here, I might as well contribute some of my own chaotic or pointless observations/rants for others to mock.


I don't think anyone really cares about the particular details of who I am, because when it's at a internet message board, isn't everything really still anonymous? I am 20 years old, yet you couldn't convince me that being 20 is any different then being 17. I just have more things to pay for and the government has granted me the ability to die for this country for no true purpose (although, I wasn't even good enough to do that, according to the government. That's fine, I like being alive, despite it's flaws).


After I graduated from my conservative all white high school here. I took a year off from education because high school completely burnt me out. Besides, I knew where i was going to college and waiting a year wasn't going to alter my abilities to attend. I decided to be one of those "self-searching" fools, but in reality I was just escaping the fact I have to grow up and abandon childhood hopes and dreams. I continued to work and I sank into that role, I would idiotic hours. All my friends, the few I had from high school had already gone off to college and I started hearing from them less frequently. Around winter 2004, my phone stopped ringing and my AIM buddy list was nearly vacant.


I wasn't lonely or sad about the changes in my life, however. I was just discouraged by the lack of motivation. I was materialistic for awhile, i drowned myself in items like a new car, electronic upgrades and other pointless 'entertainment' novelties.


I had a jolt to my system, on January 11th. It was around 7:30, I had just finished a dinner that I cooked myself (god bless tv dinners) and I heard my cell phone ringing. At that point, hearing my cell ring was getting to be a rarity. I grabbed the phone and saw I had a txt message, but didn't know the number. I read the message and it was a simple message, someone asking where someone else was. I replied "you got the wrong number, sry"...


4 hours later, I was in love with the person who sent me the wrong txt message. In my life, prior to that moment, I had short and meaningless relationships (save for one special one, that had nearly crushed me to pieces). The girl, behind the messages was perfect. She was younger though, 16 to my 19 but that really didn't matter in my eyes.


We got to talking daily via txt, aim and the occasional talk and it was increasingly obvious this was the perfect girl, it seemed. I finally mustered the balls to arrange a meeting. She only lived 30 minutes from me. We met at her house, rain softly fell as our eyes collided for the first time. I lost myself in those green eyes of hers. She was physically indescribable. Tall, blond and athletic. The awkwardness, shuffled away as we talked. It was like we were already together for years, the chemistry was perfect.


the next seven months, it was the most intense and incredible piece of my life. I woke up with a voice-mail from her every day and I spend hours with her, My life was only for her. As this was going on, the two friends i really kept in touch with were equally going through difficult times. My best friend, her brother had just committed suicide(he was 23) and my other friend, had been involved in a car accident and broke her leg. She was confined to a wheelchair for a bit of time.


It was during this time, the realization of the fact I'm in this serious relationship, my friends are going through these rough times. Childhood? was thrown out the door.


My girlfriend and I, broke up. On our 8 month anniversary. She cheated. "I didn't mean to...It just happened". Did you regret it? I asked. "No". she whispered. So much for that happiness....


While this was going on, I finally went and enrolled into college. Miami University (Ohio). So, i was starting this monumential thing (college) on the heels of an ultimate emotional heartbreak. In my life, I always was the one to put a end to things, but this time I had my chips and I was all in...and I lost the hand.


The next six months, never really existed. I tried to move on, I dated others but I wasn't quite feeling like I ever really got her out of my system. Then, one night...it just went away. All thanks to one person and that was my best friend. Years of sexual tension and uncertain feelings finally reached a boiling point.


I still miss my ex, we still talk occasionally and she's happy with that same guy she left me for. I want to hate her guts for what she did to me, but I knew her and I know she did the right thing...


It's almost April 2006, and I'm so far away from childhood now. I have a cousin, who is 12. He is always asking me on advice on how to make his teenage years special.


I tell him "don't expect anything. your life will not be a fairy tale". As we all grow up, we expect the answers to reveal themselves, but they never really do. We learn them but never quite knew it and it brushes by us like a faint wind.

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What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, my man...I'm sure you've heard that old addage before but it is oh so true...I've lived my life by that and, believe me, I've had a lot of moments that didn't kill me.


Never settle on anything man...classes, jobs, women...don't sell yourself short...make sure what you have is really what you want...if not, don't fuck around with it, move on!


You're 20, you got a long ways to go, don't rush...sit back and enjoy the ride.


oh and don't invest in a lot of credit cards! :P

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