3/27: Strike Any Ideas Of Playing Matchmaker
One of my rules to maintaining a happy existence is not to get involved in matchmaking. Heed these words of wisdom. The reason I bring this up now is because the better half is trying to play Chuck Woolery (only without the penis) with one of her friends. I talked about this chick a while back, and to make a long story short she’s approaching the ripe old age of 27 and is moaning that she’s going to be an unwedded, childless spinster for the rest of her life.
A few years ago she was slated to get married, but her groom-to-be bailed with two months to go before the big day. Ever since then she’s been trying desperately to find Mr. Right, or even Mr. He’s Not That Bad. Let me do a quick rundown of some of the guys she’s bedded since the jilting. There was this one guy with webbed feet who told her he just wanted to be friends; friends that fuck, that is. Oh, and from what I heard, this guy is under a court order never to be near his child from a previous marriage. There was that guy who was her date at my wedding, got shit-faced and talked about suicide after she broke up with him. He wasn’t that bad a guy, but she had decided she couldn’t be with him because she was in love with the webbed foot person. The most recent guy called it quits Sunday with her because, according to him, she didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Of course, his definition of “going out” involved her attending his weekly pool and bowling league competitions (the final blow for him came when she didn't attend one of these leagues Saturday night). Oh, and this guy also refers to himself in the third person.
I should mention that her taste in men has been less-than-stellar even before the “wedding, or lack thereof” incident. Before this, she dated some guy in high school who used to beat the shit out of her (oddly enough, I found out later that this guy was the grandson of the elderly family the better half and I bought our house from). She also dated some guy who was sentenced for several months in jail for two charges of corruption of a minor (prosecutors tried to get him on rape, but to no avail). Also, the guy she was supposed to marry wasn’t all up there either; one time when Mrs. kkk and her were having a “girls’ night out” at a local restaurant, I was told this guy called her on the cell phone a dozen times in a two-hour period. He thought she was cheating on him; as it turns out, he dumped her to be with some gal he was boning on the side, not to mention in the missionary position, doggy-style, etc.
Anyway, after Mr. Talks In The Third Person dumped her last night, she called the better half crying hysterically because this guy was going to be "the one," or at least "the next one." When this phone call ended, my beloved said that she wanted to set her friend up with this guy who was the brother of the ex-boyfriend of her niece. Now I have nothing against my niece’s ex; in fact, I’d rather have him as a nephew than the out-of-control teen that is my niece-in-law. When Mrs. kkk asked me what I thought of setting her friend up, I looked up from watching an all-day James Bond marathon and said it was a bad idea. A very bad idea.
I can understand if you’re a chick and want to help your friend find Mr. Right. I can understand if you’re a guy and want to hook up your buddy with some quick poon. But you just don’t do it. If I know someone and another of my acquaintances inquires as to the availability of said friend, I’ll let them know if they’re in a relationship or on the open market. I might even give a personality overview like “Yeah, she’s nice,” or “He’s a good guy.” Hell, if I get annoyed by my friend constantly talking him or her, I might even say something like “Well then ask her out dip shit.” But under no circumstances will I go any further than that.
And besides, I can’t wait until the better half’s friend hooks up with some slime ball just because he stayed around her longer than three weeks. Hopefully some children will be involved, which will only add to the fun stories that are sure to come from this match made in heaven.
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