24. Worst moments in history: #10. And stuff.
24.
In an attempt to add lots of filler to my blog since my life in general is quite boring, except for tennis, and work, and the occasional double penetrations... I will be starting crappy lists.
And I'll be starting with my 10 worst moments in sports history. More happier lists will follow. I promise. I just hope a couple people read this. Well, who am I kidding. I'm hated and this sucks. Nobody will. But, whatever...
#10!
Ten... Ten... Ten... Ten... Ten... Ten...
Much to people's surprise, I've been a big golf fan all my life. The drama of watching the final round of a major championship is tough to match in any other sport. It amazes me the nerves those professionals must have not to completely suck in these situations.
But, one of the problems with golf (at least since I've been watching, which is after the Nicklaus/Other Guy winning slams with him days), is that it's a bunch of guys you really have no reason to care or root for. Which will happen since there's been so much depth in the golf game. Even when Tiger made his big entrance to the world winning the '97 Masters, it didn't change. Eldrick is just some bum with zero personality who played a shitload of golf and was really talented.
However, there was one man who transcended all of this. One man, who since I started following golf since 1990, has always been there...
... for me to hate.
(10) Phil Mickelson wins the 2004 Masters.
Don't you want to slap that phony smile off his face?
Phil Mickelson (who will be referred to as Hefty, due to him being a lefty, and his fat disgusting man titties, so he's Hefty. Har har.), I can't deny, is probably the most exciting golfer to watch play. Not only is he an extremely talented player, probably only matched by Eldrick, but his reckless aggressive choice of shots will never bore a golf fan.
Which led to the first reason I couldn't stand Hefty. He used to be so goddamned stupid in tournaments. Especially slams. How many times in the 90's did he give himself absolutely no chance in slams by bombing drivers every hole... and taking these ridiculous risk flop shots, and other silly shots around the greens. While it worked for 100 crappy West Coast pitch and putt tournaments he won... his blowups were so predictable in the majors.
And what I enjoyed most about him, taking forever looking at 3 foot putts. Setting up. Taking his big backswing, and plowing a lipout, as he made his "Oh no!" face! Fucking classic. I literally mark out every time that happens. Which is less and less, nowadays. 
As I grew up, I started to learn more about Hefty. He's a big phony piece of shit. Just listen to the guy in interviews, he's such a smarmy asshole. His smiles are so obviously fake that you want to slap him. Many of the other players hate him. But, on television, it seems like everyone LOVES him. WHY? WHY? WHY? He's a rich fat kid from San Diego. He's not like you peons.
Then came that dark day in April 2004...
Ernie Els had a great final round in the 2004 Masters, taking like a 4 shot lead over Hefty into the back nine. Hefty had a long way to come back in order to win, and according to past history, there's no fucking way he'll do it... and I'll gleefully cackle as the phony asshole blows it again.
I should also note that Phil was in uber-douche mode for this tournament, also. Likely due to rumors that all others players hated his fucking guts, he had this retarded smile on his face constantly. After every shot, good or bad. Just walking down the fairway. Always had this fake ass smile. It was even worse than the fake smile he usually has... he seriously looked like a gigantic kid who was palsy.
So, anyway, Phil manages to get a few lucky birdies on the back nine, and ties Els going to 18.
I'm sure we all recollect the 18th hole...
He has like a 20-footish putt. All of us are thinking he's gonna miss. I'm entirely sure he blows this 4 feet by the hole, misses the 2nd putt, and I laugh for the rest of that glorious Sunday...
Hit the putt too hard...
And it lips in.
Fuck you, Hefty. Die.
All those majors where Hefty sucked, or just got outplayed. How gleeful I was when David Toms played incredibly to knock him off in Atlanta. And when Payne (RIP) put on a putting exhibition to win at Pinehurst...
It all went away... things were never going to be the same. That asshole finally won his first slam. And we knew, many would follow. Which continued with an easy win at this year's Masters.
Phil Mickelson, you blow, you phony douche. And I hate watching golf now. Because of your success. Please choke on a cheeseburger.
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