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CITR. Depression. Baseball.

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Hawk 34


I’m sitting here in the dark with nothing except the glow of this screen and the sound of some random infomercial keeping my mind from lapsing into a blank state.


Supposedly, I have to be at work in 3 ½ hours and I believe I will be there because that is what I do. Im not remotely tired by any means. I tried to sleep not so long ago but it took me nowhere. By my count, I’ve slept 10 hours in the last 5 days. I’ve done less in longer stretches of time so I’m used to this, a insomniac you could call me.


Ever notice you aren’t happy during these hours? That’s because everything is shut down, except for your biggest distraction, your own mind. That is running at full speed.


You try to avoid the self analyzing conversation by listening to music, flipping around 1850 channels and realizing that nothing is on and nothing is just a repeat. You might even read a book.


I picked up this book IPB Image and I read the first 30 pages and I observed the notes written in the margins (me at 14, when I first read this fucking book) but I realized, this is a depressing ass book. (Why wouldn’t it be) no wonder so many fuckin’ dumb teens love this book. So I put it back on the shelf.



I hate the summer. Life reaches the absolute peak of misery. The suffocation of the summer night creeping right up through the floorboards and the long endless hours just fucking torture you. How can anyone find this stupid season endearing. It made sense as a child, we didn’t know any better and we got 12 weeks off school.


What’s so great about summer now? I remember summer used to mean swimming every day, flirting with random girls at the local hang-out spot and then long nights and late mornings. I still stand that SUMMER OF 15 is the most exciting time of our lives and nothing can beat that. That summer was everything to me, before it changed. That is truly our final chapter of our adolescence because it’s from there, everything becomes serious.



Summer of 20 sucks. I work so damn much because I was too stupid to turn down a good offer. I surrendered most of my social connections and my relationship as of right now is bordering on the line of extinction and I’m not even bothered by that.


This is a girl, I dreamt about as a horny kid. My earliest masturbatory fantasy and now that I pulled this thing off, Im not really involved in this. We try to convince ourselves that it’s just a matter of bad timing but within us, we’re well aware of the fact it’s just not there as much as we had hoped it could be.


So a fantasy is ruined. That’s why It’s always a mistake to end up with that first crush of your life. Why ruin something like that? I think we’ll probably keep this charade up until school starts and we’ll slide apart. I’m secure that we’ll remain friends as we were before.


A few entries ago, I had mentioned that I was going to be weighing my options about my job and my scholastic adventures. I hate my job but I’m not stupid, This pays really good and it’s fairly easy for a guy like me with my skills.


However, I don’t want to become my father. I respect the hell out of him. He’s a good hard working honest guy, with a tremendous heart and has always been the life of a party. So obviously, aside from looks…I’m nothing like him. I made it easy for myself, I’m a dick and I hate people. However, we each were standing in the exact same spot at age 20 except he was already married.


He left school to provide for his wife and family. He had his reasons and in his eyes, I can see he regrets that. If I leave school for good, what would it be for? More money and nothing else. Is that honorable?


I got about 6 more weeks to hammer down and make this decision. Either way, I lose.


In other not-so depressing aspects of the world, The MLB Mid-season has arrived and I’m stunned the local franchise isn’t in their usual fire-sale mode right now as the old group of morons finally left town (figuratively speaking) and some competent people took over. It’s startling. 1999 was a fluke season for me but I actually feel like this new regime really intends to create a winning ball-club. I’m still I’ll be crushed sooner or later but the feeling of hope is a nice one. I mean after-all, the god damn BENGALS turned things around.



The World Cup has finally ended, so Americans can resume not giving a shit about the real FOOTBALL for another 4 years. What will we take out of this whole experience? Shitty referees and a “icon” (So I’m told) going spastic on the biggest stage of them all. Why don’t we like this sport, again? It reeks of Americanism.

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Welcome to real life buckaroo.


I hear ya regarding being like your old man. It's scary sometimes how when you get older you realize you're turning into these people.

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I suffer from depression so I wish you the best.



Soccor will not become big in America because of several factors. If the most exciting team sport in the world can't make it (hockey) than I don't see soccor making it.



One part (well actually two parts confused me) of your entry there confused me at what you were trying to get at



He left school to provide for his wife and family. He had his reasons and in his eyes, I can see he regrets that. If I leave school for good, what would it be for? More money and nothing else. Is that honorable?


How's leaving school not a honourable thing to do? Do you feel ashamed of it or something? Do you take a lot of pride into going to school? Or do you just feel greed's getting the best of you at the moment and you don't thnk that's honourable?


If you feel guilt about making more money (which I assume you don't) than give it to the Make a Wish Foundation.

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I've always saw myself as a student and there hasn't been any male family members(that weren't married into it) that actually graduated college. I've always been expected to be the first to do that.


My father quit school so he could raise a family, that's a honorable sacrifice. I'd be leaving school to keep a good paying job that I don't even like. I don't neccesarily care for the money, it's just being aware of the fact that jobs like mine don't come easily at my age. I'm years ahead of most people in my place.


It's not the money issue at all, It's accepting that I'd just be like every other male in my family. Not finishing school because I put my career ahead of me.


I wouldn't give $ to the Make-A-Wish foundation anyways. Everyone else does. There's smaller local charities I'd give it to first.

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It's a tough decision.


I also finished school after getting a couple associate's to take the opportunity to move and get a decent paying job while I could.


Whatever you decide, you're going to have many regrets. I still do.

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