Kinetic

I am deeply unsettled by the suggestion that anyone other than Tampa Bay will be taking Calvin Johnson. Are we just not doing the Cleveland/Tampa coin toss anymore, because it seems like ESPN has conceded the 3rd pick to the Browns. I'm not concerned about Oakland or Detroit, but Cleveland worries me, especially since they're no longer a mortal lock to take RB with their 1st round pick.

Did I ever tell you guys about the time I had a borderline homosexual experience with Cedric Benson in a public bathroom when we were both going to high school in Texas? It was wild. I actually went to the same school as Dominic Rhodes, but I never had a borderline homosexual experience with him. I never even met the guy. I think it's a close game at the half, but Indy pulls away in the third quarter. Something to the tune of 31-21. But even in defeat, Rex proves the doubters wrong and I have a borderline homosexual experience with him in the offseason.

I have a proposal to streamline the NFL by getting rid of all the teams that nobody cares about. I would immediately eliminate Carolina, Tampa Bay, New Orleans, Detroit, Minnesota, the entire NFC West (SF would move, more on that later), Tennessee, Jacksonville, Houston, Baltimore, and Kansas City. Then: 1. Move all three California teams to Los Angeles. This super-gigantic market and media center can support it. 2. Move the Bills to New York City. See above. 3. The Falcons should be the only team in the South, because who really cares about those mouth-breathing rednecks? Rename them the Atlanta NASCARs. On that note, I'd keep the Dolphins but have them represent the entire state of Florida, having gotten rid of the other two teams that nobody cares about. 4. Let's cut the crap and just have the Patriots represent Boston and Boston alone. Nobody cares about the rest of New England. 5. Merge the Browns and the Bengals. They can represent all of the parts of the Midwest not already represented by teams that people actually care about. That would leave us with the Giants, Jets, Bills, 49ers, Chargers, Raiders, Colts, Bears, Packers, Dolphins, NASCARs, Patriots, Midwesterners, Steelers, Cowboys, Redskins, Eagles, and Broncos. That's 18 teams, with the only small market being Green Bay, which has a rich history. What do you think?

It's K-Tic, actually. But please bear in mind that Metal Ed has suffered a significant amount of head trauma over the years and any amount of humor or entertainment in his posts is purely coincidental. He ain't been quite right since his Rock Box done blew up or something.

Check it, I got that John Cale live album, too. "Dying on the Vine" is for true heads only, but the rest of that record ain't worth shit. Peep this: I got this John Cale record called Guts that got that righteous-ass title track, plus a cover of "Pablo Picasso" and "Fear is a Man's Best Friend" and "Leaving it Up to You," which is some sick ass shit. It got a cover of "Heartbreak Hotel," too. Shit's crazy.

Wise move. Ain't no sense in beefin' with Bob Villa.

From now on, I am to be known as K-Tic. All comments or inquiries addressed to any name other than K-Tic will be ignored. All pending fan club applications addressed to the previous monikers of Kinetic and/or Jung Billz will be automatically updated to reflect this change of name, albeit with a small service charge assessed to your account. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. Word, K-Tic

I should have known you goddamn people would ruin my celebration.

It's taken me over four years and more than a couple of kidneys, but I've nearly reached 4000 posts. I may come off as a little aloof around here sometimes, but this is honestly and truly and genuinely a very sort of meaningful milestone for me. And there's no place I'd rather celebrate such a momentous occassion in my life as a beloved internet personality than firmly embedded in the Chocolate Socket. So, come on. Let's celebrate.

I would suggest either becoming a rap musician in the mold of K-Fed or an unofficial spokesman for Chef Boyardee products. If you can find a tasteful way to use it to describe your sexual prowess, my hat is off to you.

The most disturbing part of this whole situation for me is that I've seen a number of reputable publications actually refer to this guy as K-Fed. I mean, come on. And while a divorce may take some of the luster off Mr. Federline's burgeoning solo career, I guarantee you that this guy could be at least a quarterfinalist on Dancing With The Stars next year.

::A group of pigs:: This is our focus group. ::A group of pigs:: This is our think tank. ::A group of pigs:: This is our chat room. ::A pig rolling in its own fecal matter:: This is our spokesman. ::A group of pigs:: This is our breakfast. I do believe that there's a dream for everyone. This is our country. Vote Republican!

Do you question why Monday night would pay so much for a lineup that's actually considerably worse than Sunday night was last year? Fuck you. You're a homosexual. Because Monday night doesn't recognize words like "unwatchable" or "meaningless." Monday night only knows that you have a drinking habit to sustain and need something to stare at while you drown your sorrows in Pabst Blue Ribbon. Monday night knows that you have a frost-bitten Hungry Man dinner in the freezer, just waiting to be excavated during the third quarter of some piece of shit game between two teams you couldn't possibly care less about. Is it Monday night yet? Is it? Is it? Yes, it is. Stuart Scott's googly eye strikes eight thirty. It's Monday night, you homosexual.

His mother calls him Steve. Teammates call him "Hutch". Defensive linemen call him "Sir". His name is Steve Hutchinson.

As good as this week's matchup is, I'm really looking forward to next week's Monday game. Because Monday night doesn't recognize phrases like "bowel obstruction" or "inoperable cancer." Monday night only knows that rookie sensation Bruce Gradkowski and the defending NFC South champion Buccaneers are taking on All-Known-Universe Wide Receiver Steve Smith and the mildly hot Carolina Panthers in a pivotal divisional showdown.

It's good to see that at least a few people are watching ESPN's coverage of this pivotal interconference matchup, as the sensational Randy Moss and the Raiders try to become only the second team in the 3,000 year history of the National Football League to beat both of the previous year's conference champions in consecutive weeks. They'll try to do so against an intimidating Seattle offense led by Seneca Wallace and last year's Madden Shootout MVP, Maurice Morris. Is it Monday night yet? Is it? Is it? Yes, it is.

Wouldn't it be great if the Saints could do the unthinkable and win the big one for their hurricane-ravaged hometown of New Orleans? With a running game powered by sensational rookie Reggie Bush and a passing attack anchored by Heisman Trophy-winning wunderkind Reggie Bush, the Saints have shocked the world of professional football by racing out to a 6-2 start. With the emergence of slightly-less-sensational rookie Marques Colston and the return of All-Galaxy Wide Receiver Joe Horn, the sky is quite literally the limit for these sub-sea level sensations from the Big Easy. Go Saints!

What is this thread about, y'know? Back when I used to post on this board regularly, threads were about something. Most of my threads were about equality. The rest were about fucking Leena.

Oh, come on. Incandenza's great, but that guy's as gay as anyone you'll ever meet. I can meet him halfway on some of Dionne Warwick's material, but when that guy gets going on Barbara and Liza...watch out.

I think this board needs more posters willing to start shit for the sake of starting shit. For instance, I think that Incandenza is a latent homosexual and that Agent of Oblivion has a remarkably small penis. I'm also not entirely unconvinced that Kotz isn't the individual with whom I had a "Lola"-type epiphany at a nightclub in Charleston while on vacation a few months ago.

What could anyone possibly have against Leena? Aficianados will recall that she was one of my "Sixteen Posters to Watch for 2006," along with me and 14 of my gimmick accounts. I'd chalk all of this controversy up to the inability of the insecure male posters here to deal with a strong-minded female poster and her soft, wet cooch.

Let Chad be Chad. All the stuff he does is invariably entertaining, and he seems like a good guy. And, shit, I hope he does hit Ray Lewis in the mouth. I miss the Sinbad haircut already.

I am absolutely first in line to see this tomorrow. Because Fox cut its distribution in half, I have to drive to an art movie theater in a smaller town to see it, but whatever. And according to the man himself, the whole reasoning behind choosing Kazakhstan as Borat's home country is that the people he'd be interviewing wouldn't know anything about Kazakhstan.

Fuck the NFC East. Is there a team in that division that even has a shot at winning a playoff game? I think Carolina, despite Sunday's loss, makes a point by crushing Dallas next Sunday night. As much as I don't really enjoy watching them every week, I will say that Carolina is a solid team and that Steve Smith is seriously close to unstoppable. If any team in the NFC has a shot at keeping Chicago out of the Super Bowl, it's Carolina. On an unrelated note, Ronde Barber is God, and my Bucs have now beaten McNabb's Eagles three times in a row. All the haters should bear in mind that losing to Philadelphia this week would have been the third time in four games that we'd have blown a fourth-quarter lead. Take a bad throw (by a QB with a ruptured spleen) and Reggie Bush out of the equation, and we could easily be 4-2 right now.

Is that a picture of a wax replica of Theisman? And ESPN's SNF crew the last few years was worse than this MNF crew. Does anybody have anything positive to say about any crew on any network? I think Joe Buck is a smug cocksucker and Troy Aikman's phrasing bugs the hell out of me.