kkktookmybabyaway

From a homeless person.

10 p.m. • I haven't seen "Casino Royale" yet, but did this really happen? If so, I hope he also wore a seat belt whenever he was in a car. 7:30 p.m. • So this past weekend the brother-in-law had some Halloween trail set up in the woods behind his house for his kids and a number of their friends, and I was one of the people that did stuff to scare the kids. No, I didn’t tell them about the story of my life. I hid in some trees and threw these ghosts disguised as plastic bags with stuff in them. Of course the one ghosts no-sold my attempt at releasing it, but the other one that swung at an angle hit some kid in the head and had him screaming like a girl. Good. This kid has been over my brother-in-law’s house during his son’s birthday parties and stuff, and he’s a little spazz. Of course, I had no idea it was him that I hit. My instructions were to aim for the center of the herd. Then again, it wasn't as bad as the chainsaw guy not being able to start up his weapon of choice, but that's what happens when there's more empty bottles of beer out along the trail than there are actual people. Despite all these glitches, this first-ever jaunt was a success. Too bad in a few years these kids will be out back in the wilderness screwing rather than bobbing for apples. They grow up so fast. Afterward, when all the kids left, a group of us gathered around the kitchen table and stuffed ourselves with all sorts of sugary shit. Among the plates of gummy worm chocolate cake, several kinds of puddings, chips, nachos and other junk food, there was a huge bowl of candy with real bars of Crunches and Hershey bars. Being in the mood for a Kit-Kat, I took one and ate it. On the way home the following conversation was had. Figure out who is who. Seriously, who starts collecting candy in the middle of October and puts it as part of their Halloween stash? And these weren’t those gay “fun bars.” These were full-fledged regular-sized candy bars. And there was a HUGE bowl full of them. Christ, their teeth will be falling out if they ate all that shit. I remember one year I kept my candy supply until the new year. Not sure why. I guess maybe to prove to myself I could. *Shrug.*

You: Chicago Bob: Buffalo, Detroit, Denver

Deadine has come and gone. Buffalo, Chicago and Seattle will be using EPs. EDIT: Results are prior to the Sunday Night Game.

11:30 p.m. • After a bye in which I rested my tweaked hamstring, it’s onto this week's pickkks. Arizona @ Washington (8.5) Now Warner is hurt. Ouch. There are some franchises that seem to get all the bad breaks, and Arizona seems like one for me. However, they are also one of the worst franchises in any league, so oh well. Atlanta @ New Orleans (8.5) OK, the Saints had a great game last week. Will the turnaround begin here? I don’t know, but I’ll take my chances. (3.5) Baltimore @ Buffalo The Bills HAVE to win some time. Bah, the Ravens will win by 30. Minnesota @ Dallas (9.5) Well, the Vikings aren’t the Patriots. I’ll give the Cowboys a pass and hope they keep on beating teams they’re supposed to beat buy bunches of points. (17.5) New England @ Miami I’ve gone with the Pats this year, but oh what the hell. The Dolpins will lose by just TWO TOUCHDOWNS. San Francisco @ N.Y. Giants (9.5) The Giants will win, but hopefully the 49ers will try to make this a contest. Tampa Bay @ Detroit (2.5) Buccaneers have been doing better than I thought. The Lions are the Lions. (1.5) Tennessee @ Houston Hmmm, I don’t know if Vince Young will be playing this week. I wish I would pay more attention to what goes on during the week. I’m sure this won’t be decided by 1 point, so I’ll treat this as a straight up/down contest, and I’ll go with the Titans. Kansas City @ Oakland (2.5) Raiders have already won their quota of games for the year. I’ll hope Larry Johnson decides to show up. N.Y. Jets @ Cincinnati (6.5) Both teams don’t do anything for me, but I expected the Bengals to be better. For that reason, I’ll go with the Jets. Chicago @ Philadelphia (5.5) I have no clue how the Eagles offense will do against a Bears defense that was supposed to be good. I also have no clue if Westbrook is gong to play. I have no clue. St. Louis @ Seattle (9.5) The Seahawks will make the playoffs because they get to play games like this. Then again, this will probably be the week the Rams decide to be competitive. (3.5) Pittsburgh @ Denver I’m not sure if the Steelers will repeat their success in Denver, but I’ll go with this spread. Steelers will score 27. (3.5) Indianapolis @ Jacksonville Indy will probably win, but the Jags always play them tough. I think.

I haven't been paying attention to the season and don't care to figure out this hippie bowl thing -- am I playing for pride yet?

Will she be ragging it within the next week? Also, Mrs. kkk NEVER bothers to check our fruit cellar, which is where we stock up on our non-frozen food. She bitches that there's never anything to eat, then when I tell her about a product that she likes which we have a supply of she goes "Where is it?!" My usual reply is "The fruit cellar -- you ought to go down there some time; there's all kinds of neat stuff down there."

7:45 a.m. • I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. I really don’t have a “favorite” baseball team. However, when playoff time comes I usually just pick a team or two and pull for them. If they win, yay. If they lose, whatever. It’s not up there at the level of bandwagon-jumping but rather it’s more like taking part in a “pick ‘em” contest just for the sake of watching a game and having some kind of vested interest in it. I’ve been doing this for several years now and thought I’d look back and see how my picks fared. I pulled for the Padres in 1998 and they lost. I pulled for the Yankees in 1999 and 2000 and they won each time. I don’t necessarily pull for the Yankees because they’re the Yankees. In fact, I oftentimes can’t stand the saturated coverage of this team. However, I side with the pinstripes more times than naught because so many other people hate them. There are other teams with this polarizing attraction – Notre Dame, Dallas Cowboys, L.A. Lakers – and generally I’m in the “against” them camp (although I don’t mind the present-day Cowboys). However, the Yankees, for now, are an exception to this rule. Where was I? Oh, yeah. 2001. I wanted Schilling to win it with the Diamondbacks in '01, and they did. In '02, I pulled for the Angles and they won, although the real reason was because I didn’t want Bonds winning a title, and I don’t like Racist Dusty. I sided with the Marlins when they beat the Cubs, then Yanks (although I was indifferent as to who won the Series – once again, I didn't want Racist Dusty anywhere near a World Series) I sided with the Yankees when they lost to the Red Sox after being up 3-0 in '04. I was indifferent in '05, although if forced to make a choice, I would have hoped for the Astros to win. Pulled for the Cardinals last year because of all the OMG THEY JUST CRACK .500 AND DIDN'T BELONG talk. So let's see: 1998: No 1999: Yes 2000: Yes 2001: Yes 2002: Yes 2003: Yes 2004: No 2005: No 2006: Yes This year, I decided early in the first round that the Indians would be this year's team. Could I be due for another loss?

10:30 p.m. • More wedded bliss. From a conversation with the better half today (she took the day off work). You can figure out who is who. “How was work?” “It was work. How was your day.” ”Oh I had an emotional breakdown while eating my Boo Berry.” “Uh-huh. An emotional breakdown over what?” ”I don’t know.” “OK then.” Oddly enough, her monthly visitor is due next week. Christ almighty I couldn’t imagine being a chick. The last time I had an emotional breakdown Barry Bonds was unable to throw out Sid Bream at the plate. • Speaking of work, it turns out we’re hiring some chick who fits the perfect description of being an officer employee at my place. Low self-esteem, no prospects, willing to get the life sucked out of her little by little day by day. Actually, she didn’t get hired for the job we were advertising for. That job is going to go to another co-worker who is pretty much doing the job of three people (at least). Long story short, there are three of us who do our job while everyone else slacks off or are completely fucking clueless and criminal. I’m one of the three. My co-worker who is in the office next to me is the second. The person getting shifted over to a new position is the third. Turns out this newly hired person may be getting more than the $8/hour originally planned because management is telling the current employee getting shifted over that she’ll be getting a SUBSTANTIAL RAISE when reviews are done. There’s one little catch: WE DON’T HAVE REVIEWS! We get some gay-ass “cost of living” thing at the start of each year. There is no “review.” You know, sometimes you can evaluate yourself by the company you keep. However, I like to also think you can do the same thing by looking at who views you as an enemy/threat. Another work story, sort of. My co-worker and I were talking this morning, and the subject of my animal-loving wackiness was brought up. He called me an animal-rights wacko because I was going off on some children < pets rant. I disagreed with his assessment, primarily because an animal-rights wacko thinks animals are on the same level as people. I disagree. My cats aren’t as “equal” as me. In fact, they are vastly inferior, which is why they need my protection. However, I will say that they provide more to society than many people, particularly my crack-whore sister-in-law and the out-of-control niece. For example, my three kids 1) Provide companionship. 2) Squash bugs. 3) Let us know someone is at the door because they run away and hide. 4) Serve as an alarm clock because if they don’t get fed by 5:30-6 a.m. they wake us up, or at least they wake up Mrs. kkk. This has actually kept us from being late for work a number of times. I just named four things Dessa, JJ and Max do to earn their keep. I can’t think of one thing my two relatives mentioned above have done for the greater good. Let’s see, they: 1) Don’t work. 2) Collect welfare. 3) Use emergency services for drug overdoses that are nothing more than attempts to get attention. 4) Get free government health care for conditions caused by drug and alcohol abuse. And if a dog/cat gets put in a shelter they only have a week to be adopted before getting the needle, but yet we have an “affordable housing crisis” for our underclass. Put the pets in the shelters and gas those living off the public dole. 8:45 p.m. • Damn you Bush economy. And here I thought living paycheck to paycheck was supposed to be fun. Wait, what-? So people living paycheck to paycheck can’t afford the super market food and buy from CONVENIENCE STORES? Speak for yourself. This week’s grocery bill went from $80 down to $50 thanks to my Jew eye. Actually, I did a little number-crunching regarding last month’s household budget. There were several expenses that were non-regular or unexpected [$400 car insurance premium, JJ’s $100 trip to the vet for his acne(!), local taxes ($100), job interview and other clothes ($300), family cookout ($100), etc.] and with this $1,000 in unexpected expenses, we still managed to be $200 in the black for the month. I went and calculated all the money we saved on food and clothes thanks to coupons and sales, and that total came to just under $600. And we didn’t buy milk or eggs at the Quickie Mart.

I do all the heavy lifting so you don't have to. The school I attended during my grade-school years also won some volleyball tournament in which, during a close contest, I made the last five winning serves. And this may not be an "achievement," but I treat it as one: At a local pool hall my friends and I sometimes went to, I would constantly start out a game of eight-ball by hitting said billiard in a pocket right away, thus ruining many a 75-cents-per game affair.

9:30 p.m. • This was a rather long article, but I can sum it up with two lines. 9:15 p.m. • So I heard this today and got the thinking... ...I wonder how many Democrat men wouldn't vote for a woman president of their political party? Or, better yet, a candidate of color? 7:30 p.m. • Can somebody please tell me the status of Joe Torre and the Yankees? Will he be back? Have the Yankees offered him a contract? I've been watching ESPN all afternoon and they haven't said a peep. What’s the point of having cable when they don’t give you any updates on important stuff like this? 5 p.m. • LOL. I'm a little bummed Max Baucus signed it because to me he has seemed to be a Democrat with some common sense. And it's nice to see Junior's sig on there, too. I'm surprised Crazy Arlen didn't take part.

I don't listen to Rush as much as I once did, but I caught some of his first hour and all of the third. Hilarious.

My seventh-grade gym class volleyball team won the school-wide tournament. Won a championship in my duckpin league as a kid for bowling way over my average in the title contest. Inside the park home run while on a grade-school team. In-between seventh and eighth grade: My club soccer team took part in a tournament that had three preliminary games and a title game that went to four overtimes and ended in a scoreless tie, all while not allowing a goal in any of these contests. I was the right defenseman. During an after-school basketball recreation game with a bunch of jocks, I made a game-winning bucket with my back to the hoop from the free throw line. I also had a cornhole achievement, but I think this story is more appropriate for the LSD folder.

I'm pretty sure someone once did when his team was playing the Ravens.

I worked a job like that for 7 hours. When I had the interview they said the calls were to people who were expecting us. They weren't. There were a few projects that actually did this, but not the assignment I got. It was terrible.

9 p.m. • I’ve said before that I really don’t have a favorite MLB team. If forced to pick one from each league, I’d say that my favorite AL team would be the Angels and the NL team would be the Cardinals. However, I really don’t care. But come playoff time I generally pick a team or two and hope they do well. The odd thing was I didn’t really know which team to pick. I’d go with the Angels, but I had a feeling that they’d get beat early. I was right. I wasn’t too keen on the Rockies, because they seemed like the popular pick, so I passed. Oh what the hell, the Indians haven’t won shit in a long time. Go Tribe. • So when Mrs. kkk bitched about yesterday’s “Book Fund” incident, she was annoyed. Today, she was pissed. She got a memo from university HQ telling all employees that they must “donate” to the United Way. Not only does the better half hold this nonprofit in high regard, but she’s pissed that the money collected would go to the United Way in Allegheny County, not the county where we reside. What did she do? She threw the memo away because when she went to fill out the online form there was no way to put $0.00 in the “donate” field. Baby, I love you. Personally, I would have donated $0.01, but what might be a better idea is to donate to some extreme right-wing cause, like saving unborn babies from being murdered, and then sending the receipts to university HQ. Oh, yeah, she also got a human resources document about the university’s authoritive blacktion policy that said “IF YOUR RACE HAS CHANGED IN THE LAST 12 MONTHS, PLEASE INDICATED WHAT YOU ARE NOW.” I told her to put down “Eskimo.” They need representation. • Speaking of universities, you know what I love about these institutions of so-called higher learning? The way they openly embrace points of view. 4:30 p.m. • So the idiot boss got a call from someone he was to interview for this job in the office. Now they’re going to pay this person $8/hour, so naturally the responses to this opening have been, well, let’s say “less than overwhelming.” Anyway, this person asked the idiot what the “salary range” is. The idiot’s response? “It depends on the qualifications.” BWAHAHAHAHA~! Yeah, if she has more than 10 years experiences, she might get $8.25. Surprisingly, after that the person never came back for a second interview. • I think I found a way to counter those people that drive around with the booming bass systems in their vehicle. Yesterday we were beside one of these people at a red light, so I cranked up the treble in our car where all you could hear was the singer’s voice. Worked out pretty well, if I do say so myself, even though my ears were ringing for a few minutes afterward.

My co-worker and I have a theory that they only look for candidates from battered women's shelters. When I found out my vacant "assistant" position was only going to be offered the same amount, I didn't bother trying to fill it because I'd be embarrassed interviewing someone with a college degree for a part-time $8/hour job. I, of course, in my one report to the board mentioned what my boss was offering as a wage, and that went over real well. The next workday I was brought in to the boss’s office and I proceeded to rip him a new asshole when he tried to strong-arm/intimidate me. It was quite fun to do, and now he hasn’t talked to me outside of meetings for about 10 months. Good times.

Oh I bet a freedom-hater like you just loved that job.

A job at my place of employment. The funny thing is the idiot had more than a dozen interviews already and NOBODY is taking it because it's paying just above minimum wage in the state of PA. Like I've said before, I thank God I'm two floors away from all this and my contact with this dipshit is minimal. This place spends nickels to save pennies. For the record, I make quite a bit more than what we offer the general office staff.

Let it out? You should have pulled it out when you had the chance. You do realize that Mrs. kkk will probably want to visit the thing once it squirts out. Oh, the better half wants to know where you're registered and all that other girly shit.

10:15 p.m. • Only one thing to talk about but boy it’s a doozy. This evening the better half was in the bedroom watching Golden Girls or some shit when the phone rang. The caller ID identified the call as from the university where she works. Figuring it would be her boss in the office late or the newly hired work-study for what reason or another, I picked up the phone. I should had known better when the girl said, “May I speak with Mrs. kkk?” but I figured it could be the work-study person acting all professional and shit. Guess who it was? Some college student pseudo telemarketer asking her to donate to this thing called the “Book Fund.” What is the Book Fund you ask? This fundraising drive to help students pay for the “ever-rising costs of education.” You got to be shitting me. I never understood this logic. You take out tens of thousands of dollars in tuition and boarding fees (if you’re a dorm student), and you can’t afford to pay for your books. Are you shitting me? But kkk, it’s 2007. Books are Xpensive. Get the fuck out of here, you pathetic sniveling little bitches. Want to know what my Book Fund was? My paycheck. Get a job and quit your whining. Oh if my alma mater would call me with this kind of shit. Then again, I don’t bother to respond to any of their fundraising material I get in the mail, so I probably wouldn’t bother to pick up the phone if the ID gives the name of my school • OK, I lied. Mrs. kkk told me about this story today and I had to read it for myself. I think I’ve established over the years that I’m a pets > people person, but I’m actually going to side with the shelter on this one. Hey, Ellen, you didn’t follow the rules of the contract. I don’t give a shit about your boo-hooing. If anything, you should have taken the dog back to the shelter, explain the situation and do some transfer thingy to the other family. Rules are rules, even if they are stupid. If you are pitching a fit over this, imagine what will happen when Big Government takes over your health care and doesn’t allow you to see the physician of your choosing. Say, maybe we can accuse the shelter of a HATE CRIME. That’ll fix it. Oh, I’m not worried about the dog. This pooch is going to get snagged up so fast it’ll probably make your head spin. But the dog is away from its FAMILY. It’s a dog. Give it a bowl of food and an asshole to sniff and the animal will go, “Who were those people I sniffed the other day?”

I'm also sure there are certain organizations that get away with this, like nonprofts or something.

10 p.m. • So whenever I’m on the computer JJ usually hops up and rolls around on the desk vying for attention or whatever he does. Funny thing is this is the same cat that stays 10 feet away from me at all times unless I have this certain green linty blanket over myself (or if I just scraped out some earwax from my ear canal). Anyway, this evening I was scratching him on his side/belly, and I guess he didn’t take too kindly to that sort of thing so he began clawing me. Now even though this cat is rather powerful, he’s the biggest coward I’ve ever seen. When he tries to act tough in instances like this it’s a lesson in futility. You want to get hardcore, I’ll get hardcore. I began scratching his side with one hand while distracting him with my other hand, which was right in front of his face. The look of confusion he gave was priceless, and the only thing he could think of doing was batting the hand in front of him while unable to do anything about the hand that was actually violating his personal barrier. I’d say he’s a better lover than a fighter, but he’s neutered so he’s got the worst of both worlds. Oh, and here's the aforementined "magic" blanket. • Just to let you know, I heard my crack-whore sister-in-law wants to work as one of those tax people for H&R Block. She also wants to get this $3,000 trailer and move to this trailer park but can’t yet afford either the vehicle/home or the $200/month lot fee. She also told my mother-in-law that it’s her dream to have her boyfriend, her crack-whore daughter, the crack-whore daughter’s live-in boyfriend and have a happy holiday dinner. Did I mention the Christmas tree? Oh, and my welfare-collecting test-tube-kid-producing in-law relatives: the matriarch just told her welfare-collecting aunt (who got $10,000 worth of renovations done to her house compliments of my tax dollars and always seems to cater family events at said house) that she wants a Wii for Christmas. God poor people piss me off. I might as well leave on a happy note: My brother-in-law and his family will have some "haunted trail" thing going on this weekend for the kids in his neighborhood, and I was recruited as one of the monsters, meaning I'll get to scare children and unlike other instances when I do so it will be perfectly acceptable. 7:45 p.m. • So the BcS thingy came out this week and OMG some team that’s not USC, LSU or another representative from Big University is ranked second. Whatever. Look, you pro-bowl fuckwads keep saying the regular season is like one big playoff. Well, that Florida team is unbeaten. So quit yer bitchin’. They’ll lose soon enough and you fags can put some other Top 10 regular in its slot. If this team keeps on winning, then shut your piehole and revel in your REGULAR SEASON PLAYOFF~! 7 p.m. • Time for more fun work stories. So the idiot boss turned an effective ad that my co-worker and I were working on and instead queered it up by demanding cartoony clip art instead of presentable stock photos. When I showed the better half what the idiot thought “looked good,” she burst into laughter and said, “It looks like something a 10-year-old would do.” Fittingly enough, we have been getting ZERO response on these ads. Anyway, last this most recent ad was in the hands of my capable supervisors on Wednesday, and I was to hear of a final draft by the end of the week. Friday came and went. No word. This ad was due today. I sent them all an e-mail on Sunday while in the office (just making sure I have documentation if I get questioned as to I “really was” on the job) letting them know this ad was due Monday. This morning I get an e-mail from the idiot asking me to – surprise -- print him another copy of this ad. Oh, yeah, we also found out today through an “informant” that when he becomes head honcho he plans to make my aforementioned co-worker into his own “department.” Uh, let’s not get too far, Tex. How about starting off slow, like, say, allowing him to utilize his marketing budget, which is only ¼ used because he’s not allowed to travel and bring in business. Oh, yeah. It’s been several months and we still haven’t replaced another co-worker who died because the idiot can’t find any “administrative professional” willing to work a shit job for a shit boss for $8/hour. Damn Bush economy. Oh, yeah. My current head boss told another co-worker who's been working at this place for 20+ years that she makes more money than a publc school teacher. Yeah. If the teacher was back in 1950. • So I just found out this cunt of a professor/advisor I had back in college just had her husband pass away. Sadly, my first thought was “Guess he couldn’t take any more and took the easy way out with cancer or heart disease.” Christ I’m such a horrible person.

Yeah, that was JJ. It was weird because he's generally afraid of just about everything other than his food dish. Children seem to do the same thing with me. I ignore them, they jump on my lap. Good thing I'm not a priest.

I heard Bosses Day was approaching. Didn't know when. Don't care. I'm hoping to give my Bosses Day gift in the form of reduced staff payroll. I'll pimp out more picks of the kids for your co-worker with good taste below that have already been posted here before. And one from the old school...