kkktookmybabyaway

Apparently so.

• When WPGB, my local FM RIGHT-WING RADIO station, set up shop in the Shittsburgh market a few years ago, one of its marketing gimmick was to goof on the other talk-radio stations in the area, particularly KDKA, that catered to an older demographic. When WPGB took Rush's show away from KDKA, one of the lines they used to announce this coup was something to the extent was that Rush would no longer be a victim of the "left-wing conspiracy" of Pirates baseball, which pre-empted regular radio programming on KDKA whenever it was time for the Bucs to go out there and lose once again. God only knows why regular programming took a backseat – it’s the freaking Pirates. Anyway, on the way to work today guess what I heard on the radio? The left-wing cabal that is the Pirates will now be heard on WPGB starting next year. God damnit. I found this line to be particularly rich. Well you people sure as fuck aren't in the business of winning games. • Now this is some sad news. RIGHT-WING RADIO has been seizing more reasons why regressive talk radio is unpopular than Hitler seized land during World War II. Uh, wait a minute. Let me hit the rewind button. Let me hit it again. Uh, OK. Well I now know why Jerry Springer chose to dance with the stars. I really don’t care if Air America goes down the shitter or gains 500 stations. What I really cared about were the comments after this article. Jason M. Hendler, before you begin posting here, why don’t you make a call for the Pres. Reagan docu-drama to be broadcast? By the way, didn’t Rush Limbaugh have a television show that flopped harder and faster than Air America radio? I’ll be nobody wants to bring THAT news up. I’ve heard many truck drivers and elderly people calling into Air America claiming they’ve been converted. We can’t cede any format to the right. that’s too bad. hopefully they can keep operating into the distant future. they certainly gained lots of ground reaching new markets in the past couple years. I’m not a fan of Clear Channel, but their support shows a need in the market for the liberal format. They wouldn’t do it if they didn’t think they’d make a lot of money. R.I.P., Air America. If it had been a right-wing network, this administration would have secretly funneled millions of dollars into it. Ya know, if they happen to do that sort of thing. Whatever happens to Air America, the “stars” on their roster will continue in some way, shape, or form. I’m sad to see Air America on the ropes, but very glad to hear that Clear Channel is doing a talent search for progressives. If that happens, a lot of radio stations will have dead air if they don’t replace the programming themselves… And since when do regressives look to Clear Channel as being a savior rather than a tool of the devil? • I guess it's not all gloom and doom for Commie Radio. There are those feminazis who are backing a network that provides nine hours of programming per day (but it will soon increase to TWELVE) on several radio stations. Will there be bra burning, men hating or any of that other good stuff I've come to expect from these chicks that need dicks? Nah, there'll be discussions about plastic surgery, cooking and spring cleaning. • And speaking of women doing radio, it's now time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This caller has never been married and has two kids with two different men. She’s currently living at her father’s house and has stayed there for a few years. Her dad watches the kids free of charge while she works overnights (as a babysitter). This woman is mad because her father said that he’s going out of state for a week because he’s helping his one friend move. The reason she’s upset? He won’t be able to watch her kids.

• If you don’t know what I’m doing, go read Sunday's entry. These predictions were made before the Sunday games, and I’m not going to change them based on opening weekend results. Holy divisional matchups, Batman. Indianapolis at Jacksonville, New England at Miami, Philadelphia at Washington and Denver at San Diego. There’s also Atlanta at Tampa Bay, Baltimore at Kansas City and New York at Carolina. As much as I want to see Emily Manning crushed again by Carolina, Indianapolis at Jacksonville always seems to produce a good contest. This is like Week 14, only in reverse. Shittsburgh at Carolina looks to be a safe bet, and Kansas City at San Diego could have playoff implications. However, I’m afraid that Philadelphia at New York might get the green light due to media market reasons. Fuck that. I’m going with Kansas City at San Diego because of my East Coast bias. Baltimore at Shittsburgh usually produces a physical game. If Atlanta can somehow be in the playoff picture, their match with Carolina could be interesting. New England at Jacksonville would be a repeat of last year’s Wild Card game. Cincinnati at Denver and San Diego at Seattle look are my finalists. I’ll go with Cincinnati at Denver. This will be tricky. Some good teams could be resting starters and some so-so teams will be in the fight for their playoff lives. Jacksonville at Kansas City, Miami at Indianapolis, Shittsburgh at Cincinnati stand out the most for me this week. Gotta go divisional once again: Shittsburgh at Cincinnati. • Speaking of predictions, let's see how well I fared with my Week 1 picks. Miami at Shittsburgh. Wrong. I love how after the Steelers fumbled near the goal line after a nine-minute, 16-play drive they then responded with an 80+ yard touchdown pass on the first play of their next possession. Atlanta at Carolina. Correct. Good thing I wasn't sure with which divisional foe has Vick's number. Baltimore at Tampa Bay. Wrong I'm going to pretend this game never happened. Buffalo at New England. Wrong. The Pats won, but didn't cover. Cincinnati at Kansas City. Wrong. This one hurt almost as much as that Trent Green hit. And while I'm on this subject, I wonder if all the Cincinnati fans who bitched about the "dirty" hit on Carson Palmer last year in the playoffs will say anything about the cheap shot given to the Chiefs quarterback. Denver at St. Louis. Wrong. Great job by new Rams defensive coordinator Jim Haslet. New Orleans at Cleveland. Correct. Let the Bush blow jobs begin. N.Y. Jets at Tennessee. Correct. Was there any doubt? Philadelphia at Houston. Correct. I wonder who ESPN will suck off more this year? Reggie Bush or Donovan McNabb? Seattle at Detroit. Wrong. Wow. I don't now if Detroit played tough or if Seattle just continued sucking at Ford Field. Chicago at Green Bay. Correct. I said that I was smelling upset, but the only things "upset" were Packer fans. Good thing I try not to follow my nose. Dallas at Jacksonville. Wrong. Good game. Bad pick. San Francisco at Arizona. Correct. That late 49er field goal made quite an impact on this week's pick 'em contest. Indianapolis at N.Y. Giants. Correct. I don't know where I saw the Mannings more -- on the field or in the commercials. Minnesota at Washington. Correct. One of the few upset picks I got right. San Diego at Oakland. Correct. My favorite "Black Hole" fan is the guy in the Vader outfit. If I paid to watch my favorite team put up this big a stinker, I'd wear a mask, too. Overall score: 9-7. I guess this would get me into the playoffs some years.

Today is a somber occasion for the New York/New England area. Thanks to some events beyond the control of many Northeasterners, this brave group of folks must join together today to cope with and possibly overcome the day’s tragic events. But enough of talking about the New England Patriots trading wide receiver Deion Branch to the Seattle Seahawks for a 2007 draft pick. Today marks the five-year anniversary of the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. Now it would be convenient for me to say how this event affected my worldview, but it really did not. On this day five years ago I woke up at around 10-10:30 a.m., ate breakfast, did a few odds and ends around my Middletown, Ohio, townhouse, and then went to peruse on-line job listings, among a few other Internet-related Web sites that unemployed men frequent with when they’re home alone (ain’t nothing like playing on-line backgammon in your underwear). As I turned on the radio to listen to Rush, I knew something was not right; a newscast was being aired, and it was well past the top-of-the-hour news update. For several minutes I didn’t know what was going on and was impatiently waiting for either Drudge’s Web site (I still had dialup at the time) or the radio news to tell me that a couple of airplanes had crashed into the World Trade Center. When I finally heard what happened, I didn’t gasp, cry or feel like we were in a state of WWIII. Even when I had the television news on later that day and saw those politicians in D.C. break out into song, I rolled my eyes over how phony this “spontaneous” moment seemed. (I can’t remember what they were singing – either “God Bless America” or “America the Beautiful.”) I guess all this makes me a terrorist. I wasn’t cheering for more American deaths, but I didn’t have a life-changing moment during this day. Oh well, at least I wasn’t laughing at people jumping from the Twin Towers. The odd thing about 9/11 is that while it didn’t really affect me all that much, it was the exact opposite for the better half. Ever since we met in 1997, we were polar opposites when it came to current events. I was the cynical newsy curmudgeon who was hooting and hollering on Election Night as Bush stole won his first presidential term -- OMGSELECTEDNOTELECTEDLOL2000! She was the one who would take charge of the remote control when I would step away for a moment and turn to the Cartoon Network so she could watch “Angry Beavers,” or that stupid “Rocco’s Modern Life.” We didn’t talk politics and she didn’t vote. She didn’t mind Bill Clinton as president, but she knew nothing about him other than he got a hummer from some intern in the Oval Office. When 9/11 hit, it changed her outlook on life. She didn’t break down and start wailing like someone being “saved” at a Baptist church, but I could tell there was some uneasiness (well, more so than usual – you’d be the same if you had to live with me in sin). Yes, she was one of those people who went out and bought an American flag days after this terrorist attack. In fact, the flag she bought was so damn big it was too heavy for its holder and couldn’t stand upright on our front steps. She also bought one of those car ribbon-sticker things that came out en masse shortly thereafter, which is still on her car today in all of its faded glory. In addition, she began paying attention to current events; it was weird to have her come home from classes and start asking me what I thought about a specific news story of the day. Because five years have jaded me even more than I was back in 2001, I’m going to go back into the arkkkives and see what I wrote about this event shortly after it happened. From September 18, 2001: If the 9/11 terrorist attacks made you re-think your life and what was really important to you, then cool. If it made you into a better person (or at least a “better person” by your definition), then rock on. However, if you were on the sideline wondering why you weren't feeling the same wave of “patriotism” because you didn’t buy a flag the day after 9/11, or if you skipped some “freedom rally” held a week or so after these attacks, don’t worry: you weren’t alone. For some of us, it takes a really unbelievable event to occur in order for our faith to be tested, like, say, the Pirates winning the World Series.

You know, Eric, even with all the enviro-commie shit you advocate, I don't think I've ever been more disturbed by something you have posted. Not only do you know what channel the Angry Beavers are broadcast on, you even corrected my spelling of "Rocko."

Results are up. Here's how this works for all the n00bs. • I go back to my first post in the thread and give score results, and if TBs have to be used I explain who won the TB matchup. • Below are the current standings. Here's how to read a line. Let's use Bob Barron's 1-0 Buffalo Bills as an example: PF: How many correct picks you have made for the year. Bob got 6 right, so since this is Week 1 there's a 6 placed here. PA: How many correct picks your opponents have made for the year. Bob played nl-asshole and this bitch-ass faggot only got 5 right because he's a fucking douche, which explains why there's a measly 5 in this section. AFC: Bob's record against AFC opponents. NFC: Bob's record against NFC opponents. DIV: Bob's record against Divisional opponents. If you have any questions or see a mistake, let me know. AFC EAST New York Jets (Gert T) 1-0 < PF: 9, PA: 7, AFC: 1-0, NFC: 0-0, DIV: 0-0 > Buffalo Bills (Bob Barron) 1-0 < PF: 6, PA: 5, AFC: 1-0, NFC: 0-0, DIV: 1-0 > Miami Dolphins (Spaceman Spiff) 0-1 < PF: 7, PA: 9, AFC: 0-1, NFC: 0-0, DIV: 0-0 > New England Patriots (nl-asshole) 0-1 < PF: 5, PA: 6, AFC: 0-1, NFC: 0-0, DIV: 0-1 > AFC NORTH Pittsburgh Steelers (Kahran Ramsus) 1-0 < PF: 9, PA: 7, AFC: 1-0, NFC: 0-0, DIV: 0-0 > Cleveland Browns (SFA Jack) 1-0 < PF: 8, PA: 8, AFC: 0-0, NFC: 1-0, DIV: 0-0 > Cincinnati Bengals (Teke) 1-0 < PF: 7, PA: 7, AFC: 1-0, NFC: 0-0, DIV: 0-0 > Baltimore Ravens (Marvin is a Lunatic) 1-0 < PF: 9, PA: 6, AFC: 0-0, NFC: 1-0, DIV: 0-0 > AFC SOUTH Indianapolis Colts (Prime Time Andrew Doyle) 1-0 < PF: 10, PA: 6, AFC: 0-0, NFC: 1-0, DIV: 0-0 > Houston Texans (Bored) 0-1 < PF: 8, PA: 8, AFC: 0-0, NFC: 0-1, DIV: 0-0 > Jacksonville Jaguars (Always Pissed Off) 0-1 < PF: 7, PA: 9, AFC: 0-0, NFC: 0-1, DIV: 0-0 > Tennessee Titans (Cuban Linx) 0-1 < PF: 7, PA: 9, AFC: 0-1, NFC: 0-0, DIV: 0-0 > AFC WEST Oakland Raiders (Smues) 1-0 < PF: 10, PA: 9, AFC: 1-0, NFC: 0-0, DIV: 1-0 > San Diego Chargers (Porter) 0-1 < PF: 9, PA: 10, AFC: 0-1, NFC: 0-0, DIV: 0-1 > Denver Broncos (Canadian Chris) 0-1 < PF: 7, PA: 8, AFC: 0-0, NFC: 0-1, DIV: 0-0 > Kansas City Chiefs (Alfdogg) 0-1 < PF: 7, PA: 7, AFC: 0-1, NFC: 0-0, DIV: 0-0 > NFC EAST Dallas Cowboys (Hawk 34) 1-0 < PF: 9, PA: 7, AFC: 1-0, NFC: 0-0, DIV: 0-0 > Philadelphia Eagles (The Real World’s Champion) 1-0 < PF: 8, PA: 8, AFC: 1-0, NFC: 0-0, DIV: 0-0 > Washington Redskins (Human Fly) 1-0 < PF: 7, PA: 7, AFC: 0-0, NFC: 1-0, DIV: 0-0 > New York Giants (Cartman) 0-1 < PF: 6, PA: 10, AFC: 0-1, NFC: 0-0, DIV: 0-0 > NFC NORTH Detroit Lions (Bravesfan) 1-0 < PF: 9, PA: 8, AFC: 0-0, NFC: 1-0, DIV: 0-0 > Green Bay Packers (Vitamin X) 1-0 < PF: 9, PA: 5, AFC: 0-0, NFC: 1-0, DIV: 1-0 > Minnesota Vikings (Danville Wrestling) 0-1 < PF: 7, PA: 7, AFC: 0-0, NFC: 1-0, DIV: 0-0 > Chicago Bears (Agent Of Oblivion) 0-1 < PF: 5, PA: 9, AFC: 0-0, NFC: 0-1, DIV: 0-1 > NFC SOUTH Atlanta Falcons (King Of The 909) 1-0 < PF: 9, PA: 8, AFC: 0-0, NFC: 1-0, DIV: 1-0 > Carolina Panthers (Fazzle) 0-1 < PF: 8, PA: 9, AFC: 0-0, NFC: 0-1, DIV: 0-1 > New Orleans Saints (Cena’s Writer) 0-1 < PF: 8, PA: 8, AFC: 0-1, NFC: 0-0, DIV: 0-0 > Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Starvenger) 0-1 < PF: 6, PA: 9, AFC: 0-1, NFC: 0-0, DIV: 0-0 > NFC WEST St. Louis Rams (Canadian Guitarist) 1-0 < PF: 8, PA: 7, AFC: 1-0, NFC: 0-0, DIV: 0-0 > Arizona Cardinals (Vern Gagne) 1-0 < PF: 8, PA: 3, AFC: 0-0, NFC: 1-0, DIV: 1-0 > Seattle Seahawks (C Dubya) 0-1 < PF: 8, PA: 9, AFC: 0-0, NFC: 0-1, DIV: 0-0 > San Francisco 49ers (Lightning Flik) 0-1 < PF: 3, PA: 8, AFC: 0-0, NFC: 0-1, DIV: 0-1 > THEY DON’T HAVE TEAMS BUT WE STILL LIKE THEM ANYWAY: Harley Quinn: 11 Steve J. Rogers: 7 King PK: 7

Because of the two MNF games, I'm not posting results until Tuesday at the earliest.

Each year when the NFL season gets under way just about every sports journalist and fan out there starts making predictions from which team will have a "breakout" season to which team will win the Super Bowl. No, I won't be doing this today. (I already made my AFC and NFC "Division Results" entries a while back, and I can't wait to see how wrong my predictions turn out.) I'm going to try something different. This year, starting with Week 10, instead of having a pre-determined Sunday Night game penciled in the NFL schedule months before Week 1's opening kick-off, the league will wait until 12 days before determining which match-ups get a prime-time slot. (Week 17’s game of the week will only be announced 6 days prior.) What I’m going to do in this entry is guess each Week’s Sunday Night game. Below are the match-ups for all Sunday games for Weeks 10-13. (I’ll do Weeks 14-17 in a future entry.) At the end of each week’s list of games I’ll make my prediction along with some spur-of-the-moment thoughts. Chicago at N.Y. Giants might be a classic “defense (Chicago) v. offense (New York)” match-up, as could be the Kansas City at Miami game. San Diego at Cincinnati looks to be a good one to watch, also. We also have Washington at Philadelphia, but I have a feeling one of those teams will be in the crapper by this time and pretty much out of playoff contention. (In addition, NBC will be airing these games, not ESPN.) I’d like to see San Diego at Cincinnati, but because of the media bias factor I’ll go with Chicago at New York. Atlanta at Baltimore might be interesting. (Can Ray Lewis chase down Michael Vick?) However, will both teams be worth watching by Week 11? Indianapolis at Dallas looks like it has potential. Minnesota at Miami: Daunte’s return! Washington at Tampa Bay would be a return to a Wild Card game from last year. San Diego at Denver would make for a nice inter-division game. If Minnesota becomes a surprise team, I could see them airing Minnesota at Miami in prime-time, but I’m going with the safe pick: Indianapolis at Dallas. Carolina at Washington and Chicago at New England are both in the running this week. So are Philadelphia at Indianapolis and Shittsburgh at Baltimore. This week also shows why the NFL went with this “flex” scheduling. I’m certain that all eight teams mentioned above will not be in playoff contention. So instead of taking a chance of New England having an off-year with all the players they lost this past off-season, or praying Carolina doesn’t get hit with the injury (or steroid) bug, it makes more sense to wait 12 days before this week’s games to determine which game would appeal most to a nationwide audience. Because I’m making my selection three months in advance rather than a dozen days, I’m going with Carolina at Washington because both teams were in the playoffs last year, and each franchise won at least one game during their time in the postseason. Atlanta at Washington? Nah. Dallas at New York looks like a contender. Jacksonville at Miami – the battle of Florida. Minnesota at Chicago might be a big one if both teams manage to win outside the NFC North. Tampa Bay at Shittsburgh and Seattle at Denver features both Super Bowl teams squaring off against a playoff opponent from last year, albeit from the other conference. I think Jacksonville at Miami might be a sleeper pick, but once again I’m going with the safer Seattle at Denver. Developing...

Don't blame me for helping a brother out.

• So that shithead who has been on the run for months, shooting several police officers and killing one, has finally been caught. Good. Fuck him. And fuck his family members who (allegedly) aided in his avoiding the law. One question, though: why are the media including the “Bucky” into his name Ralph “Bucky” Phillips? I think "Ralph Phillips" or "Bucky Phillips" would do just fine. Is there another criminal named Ralph Phillips out there pissed off because "Bucky" is giving him a bad name? I could see having the "Bucky" in there when he first escaped because people from the areas where he used to live might know him by this nickname, but now he's caught. I think it's safe to say we can drop the "Bucky." And if someone needs the "Bucky" to realize who this douche is... ... then that person should have to apply for a license in order to breed. • Two entries ago I commented on the pro-censorship Democrats who don’t want some hippie ABC 9/11 Docudrama to be aired and thought back to how a few years ago the roles were reversed with that stupid “Reagans” mini-series. Now I'm taking a trip down memory lane again thanks to an upcoming political ad that's going to be used in a Virginia Senatorial race. Upon hearing this story, I’m reminded of how it was just a few years ago when a pro-tax cut group used John F. Kennedy in some ads back in March of 2001. What did I say about it back then? Let's take a trip to the arkkkives back on March 14, 2001: Both dead presidents? Check. Both being used for political gain by the other side? Check. Run the Reagan ads and let the pundit-hysteria commence.

I think you're the product of an Evil Clown father and an Archivist mother, or versa vice.

Agreed. I don't agree with this, but personally when I have moved to residences in Sappy Valley and Cincinnati I didn't support any teams in either city. I think another reason to change "favorite" teams is when one of your favorite players moves to that franchise. Teams I liked as a kid. Because I grew up in the area, the Steelers/Pirates/Penguins were automatics. I liked the Blue Jays for a time because of their logo. I liked the Dodgers for a time because of Fernando Valenzuela. I liked the Royals for a time because of George Brett. I liked the Red Sox for a time because of Carlton Fisk. I liked the Pistons for a time because of Bill Laimbeer and because my other friends liked Jordan and the Bulls -- I just had to be different. I liked the Suns for a time because of Kevin Johnson, Tom Chambers and Jeff Hornacek. I liked the Boston Bruins for a time because of Ray Bourque. I liked the Calgary Flames for a time becuase of Al Mcinnis. Teams I like today None. I have players that I like and want to see succeed (Alex Rodriguez, for example), and there are teams whose front-offices I like because of the way they go about doing their business (St. Louis Cardinals), and there are coaching staffs I think do a great job (Bill Cowher and company). When the playoffs come around, I'll pick a team or two that I would like to see win, but I'm not about to go out and buy a team jersey or anything like that. Some examples of this in action: When the Angles won the World Series I was pulling for them (plus the fact I hate the SF Giants). In last year's hockey playoffs I was pulling for the Hurricanes in the East and the Oilers in the West.

Does farting and feeling a little something-something come out count?

• Well Brad Pitt won’t marry Angelina Jolie until everybody can marry, regardless of sexual preference. Uh, OK. I guess I probably could go down the conventional right-wing route and whine about how the Hollywoodliberalelite should just shut up and make movies and not spout their commie beliefs to red-state America. Maybe I should also lament back to when Pitt made that “Seven Years in Tibet” movie, and Time magazine asked for his opinion about the China-Taiwan situation to which he replied, “What do I know? I’m an actor.” Nah, I’m not going to do any of this. Instead I have to give my brother from another mother a pound, thug-style yo. If only I had thought up this idea a few years ago. “Sorry dear, we can’t get married until Tom and Steve are allowed to do the same.” Brilliant. I guess I could say that if Pitt and Jolie became Canadian citizens then they could get hitched, but I’m not going to player-hate on Pitt’s strategy. • Former TWA workers are picketing their own union. Rock on. When it’s union versus union, which side vandalizes the automobiles? • So some states will need to put welfare recipients in a job or risk losing federal money. I think the biggest problem will be getting these people to stay at a place of employment for longer than 20 minutes -- either that or managing a flex schedule that doesn’t interfere with these people’s television viewing habits. Judge Joe Brown > Becoming more self-reliant. Wait, did I say states had to find welfare recipients "employment"? I meant "job training, community service or other work activities." Wow, that welfare reform. How heartless. • Tomorrow is going to be weird for me. With every sport there are a few teams that you either like or hate with no gray area in-between. In Major League Baseball, the most prominent example of this is the New York Yankees. One example of this happening in the NFL is with the Dallas Cowboys. When it comes to college football, I consider Notre Dame to be one of these teams; count me in the group that doesn’t like the Fighting Irish. I don’t know why I dislike Notre Dame, I just never did. The only reason I can think of off the top of my head is that when they played the University of Colorado in some bowl game years ago, I liked Colorado because the team ran out onto the field with their buffalo mascot. I also got sick of media hype given to “The Rocket” Ishmael. Stupid reasons to be sure, but they’re reasons nevertheless. All this changes tomorrow when Notre Dame plays host to the Penn State Nittany Lions. Having lived a year-and-a-half in Sappy Valley, I can say that if Mohammad-Abdul ever decides to put a jihad on that stupid lion statue that just about every PSU student poses at during his or her time at this shithole in the center of Pennsylvania, I’ll chip in for the dynamite. Go Irish. • Now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this): Today’s caller has a son who lives far away and is about to get married (I think he’s in his 20s). The caller’s husband, who is the stepfather of her son, said that he doesn’t want to attend the wedding, nor does he want the caller to go to this blessed event. When the caller asked her hubby why he felt this way, the guy said because they already went on vacation last month and that this trip would cost too much money. Also, he’s afraid of flying. He added that if she goes to this wedding she might as well stay there because she’s “choosing her kids over him.”

... What do you have to offer to an employer that doesn't involve working outside?

If she had a winning ticket for a five-minute all-you-can-grab spree at the local candy store in her back pocket.

KKK’s Top 103 Posters Number 56: Canadian Guitarist A returning participant in my pick ‘em contest, he’s hoping to challenge C Dubya 04 and Vern Gagne for the NFC West Division title this year. Other than that I don’t know much about him. I do know that he works at Wal-Mart, and because he’s a self-professed hippie I can’t imagine he takes much joy in helping his employer take over the world. At least he checks out more than just the low-priced merchandise made in China while on the clock, and it doesn't matter what side of the register his chick of the day is standing at. Unfortunately he also thinks of other TSM posters while having sex, but hey, I don't care what he does to get his jollies as long as he submits his picks on time. And now a word or two from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed. From SFA Jack: From Cancer Marney: • It appears some big bad Democrats are getting their panties in a knot over this ABC "9/11" movie, or whatever the hell it’s going to be called. “Waaaah. It’s not fair. There’s stuff in this special that wasn’t true.” I’m surprised that former National Security Advisor Sandy Burglar didn’t just swipe the video of this production, stuff it down his pants and walk out of the editing room. Actually, I don’t really care about this “9/11” movie, and I’m not going to watch it. I wonder if the same people bitching about this special also had the same passion about that hippie “The Reagans” movie made a few years ago? I thought that abortion would have made for a great sitcom. You could have started this program in the same way as the “Dick Van Dyke” show where Mr. Van Dyke walks into his living room, only to trip over a stool. When Ronnie does the same, he can be shown accidentally pushing on The Button, triggering a nuclear explosion. I can hear the music now. Daaaaa da-da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da da BOOM! I’d watch that. For about 10 seconds. But that’s better than my usual attention span when it comes to network television. • Paris Hilton got busted for driving under the influence (allegedly, of course). Outside of her driving while drunk, I don’t see the big deal. Considering her body weight, I’m sure it doesn’t take much to get her tipsy. Hell, it’s not like she’s all that rational when she’s sober to begin with. I think you’re a shithead if you drive while drunk, but if you don’t injure anybody other than yourself then I won't wish death upon you. • And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this): This chick had been in a relationship with this guy for 20+ months. The guy couldn’t find steady work in California and thus moved back to him hometown in Colorado where he got a job with his cousin. The caller said she is trying to “make this work” but just gets laughed at by the boyfriend. I’m not sure if she actually asked a question, but I did hear her cry on one occasion during this call. Runner up: This guy lived with this chick for three years, and she popped out a kid. They split up and he has said that ever since then she has gone downhill. And I quote: “She lost her job, she lost her car, she lost her Section 8 Housing…” I didn’t hear what he said next because I was laughing too loud to hear. • As if I don't have enough retarded features, here's one more: My NFL Pickkks of the Week. What I will do is predict which NFL teams will win or cover the spread this week. I'll be using the same spreads as I use for my kkk Bowl contest; the spreads are posted early in the week, so some games (like the Dolphins/Steelers) may seem a bit off. Too bad. I need all the help I can get. All my picks take about five seconds to determine and my commentary under each game is my first thought upon seeing each match-up and the point spread given for that game. Miami at Shittsburgh (3.5) I'm not buying Miami being a Super Bowl contender just yet (the season hasn't even started yet), but with Big Ben out and a number of Steelers with nagging injuries I'm taking the Dolphins. Atlanta at Carolina (5.5) Is Carolina one of those teams that plays well against Vick, or was that Tampa Bay (or both)? Shit. Just in case I'll side with Atlanta. Baltimore at Tampa Bay (3.5) It'll take a week or two for McNair to get adjusted to being a Raven. Buffalo at New England (8.5) High point spread, and will New England experience a drop-off this year? It's Week 1 so I'll go with the Pats offense over the Bills defense. Cincinnati at Kansas City (3.5) Two good offenses. The Bengals have a linebacker suspended for the first few games, so I'll give the ball the the Chiefs running game, which will be a better defense against Carson Palmer then the Kansas City starting eleven on that particular side of the ball. (3.5) Denver at St. Louis The AFC West is tough enough. Denver needs to relish out-of-division games against last year's non-playoff teams. New Orleans at Cleveland (3.5) Reggie Bush will make a big run or two and Chris Berman will spooge all over his notes. N.Y. Jets at Tennessee (3.5) I have no idea about this one. (4.5) Philadelphia at Houston I'm pulling for Houston in this one, but McNabb will make a big throw or two and Tom Jackson will spooge all over his notes. (6.5) Seattle at Detroit Seattle is going to take its Super Bowl loss out on the Lions. Poor kitties. (3.5) Chicago at Green Bay For some reason I'm smelling upset, but I've also been smelling how Favre has been playing for the last year or two. Dallas at Jacksonville (2.5) This is going to be a fun game. I'm taking Dallas just because of the points. If the Cowboys lose then ESPN's jihad on T.O. will reach epidemic proportions. San Francisco at Arizona (7.5) I think the Cards will win, but not by a touchdown. (3.5) Indianapolis at N.Y. Giants MATCHUP OF THE MANNINGS! MATCHUP OF THE MANNINGS!! OMG IT'S THE MATCHUP OF THE MANNINGS!!! Just when will they play against each other -- on special teams? I'm hoping Payton gets the best of his little sister. Minnesota at Washington (4.5) I'm sensing upset here. (3.5) San Diego at Oakland If Rivers plays bad against the Raiders, then the Bolts are in a world of trouble.

Let her move in with you.

Only if the corpse had a hot friend that puts out.

They don't say no, either. More wacky (alleged) sex stories from the Cheese State:

Get a job, hippie. Ha. I'm the opposite. I do feel you though; it sucks when you're unemployed and feel like a total loser. I've been there.

Go to the best school offering you a free ride, or go to the one with the biggest yard so you can munch any time.

My favorite paragraph: 1) They bought rubbers. 2) Those two agreed to dig up the body for the one guy to have sex with. 3) The corpse was going to be brought back to Grunke's house. (I think his parents' house would be a more accurate description.) 4) Even with the chick dead, she's still probably better than any of those three could hope for. 5) I wonder if their defense lawyer will say the WWE Katie Vick storyline made them do this?

Deadline has come and gone for the Thursday game.

Noted.