Swift Terror

WOW, congrats. And I was dumb enough to believe you when you said you didn't want kids. Well, you can't blame me, you are a grade A misanthrope...or at least you play one on the internet. And good call on the PS3/XBOX 360. Unless you're wealthy, I don't see the point in throwing down that much bread on those things. I know there are many many things I'd rather buy for $400.

A prequel to the excellent TV mini-series "Lonesome Dove" is finally coming to network television in a few weeks. It was filmed a couple years ago and has bounced around in limbo ever since. The title is "Comanche Moon". This is based on the novel by the same author as Lonesome Dove. I saw the previews and I'm afraid this may suck royally. Why? Well, anyone who knows anything about Lonesome Dove knows that the success of the original was due to the great characters of Gus and Woodrow Call. They are the central figures in the story. So I'm watching the previews--I've seen two different versions--and between the two of them, the character of Gus appears for about 3 seconds and Call does not appear at all. I believe this is because the two actors playing the parts are awful. Awful casting that is, they may be fine actors otherwise. The guy playing Gus, Steve Zahn, (Gus is a hard-ass Texas Ranger of the old west, a traditional western badass) is the same guy who has played such goofball roles as the boyfriend in "Riding in Cars with Boys", Marvin in "Daddy Day Care", and Phoebe's husband on "Friends". Am I being unfair by type-casting the guy? Maybe, but by any reckoning this is poor casting. I've read the book "Comanche Moon" and lest you think that maybe Gus and Call are not the central figures in the story, I'm here to tell you that they are indeed the most important characters. They are the reason for writing the book; it follows their early career as young Texas Rangers. But of course I'll sit my ass down and watch the whole darn thing anyway. Actually I'll DVR it because it is airing right in the middle of the primetime college bowl games. This is another red flag as to why I fear this will suck--why would CBS air it opposite BCS bowl games unless they are trying to hide it?. The demographic for this series is mainly men 18-50. Precisely the same demographic for college bowl games. I'll report back once I've seen it and admit my error if indeed it turns out to be excellent

awesome. I guess now it's time for PS3 or XBOX 360...more takehome cash = electronic toys.

So I saw the preview for "I Am Legend" starring Wil Smith. This is based on a Richard Matheson book of the same title and has been made into a film two times previously. You could say the story is about zombie/vampires--the Earth's population is killed by a plague and they turn into these living dead creatures, except for one remaining man....or is he really alone? Hmmm, living dead? Yeah, I think the first film version of this--The Last Man on Earth starring Vincent Price--was Night of the Living Dead before there was a Night of the Living Dead. Romero's zombie flick borrows a lot from the Price movie. In Last Man On Earth, people die and come back as zombie/vampires. They walk slowly and can be avoided pretty easily. They exist to kill Price. In other words, just like Night of the Living Dead, made three years after LMOE. The second filmed version is "The Omega Man" starring Charlton Heston. It is really good though a bit dated, having been made in 1971 and is very much a 70s movie. This new remake will suck. All I needed to see was a CGI deer, a CGI lion, and a central casting vampire snarling 6 inches from Wil Smith's face. Jesus. It will make a reasonably amount of money due to Wil Smith, but nothing spectacular. It will be completely forgotten 6 months from now. I was semi looking forward to "Hitman", but the reviews have absolutely dogged on it. Apparently it is terrible. "The Mist"? LOL. A lame excuse for King to preach about the evil that is the U.S. military and Christianity. That leaves the new Coen brothers movie. HELL YEAH. Cannot wait for this. A dead solid no-brainer. It will be awesome.

Beats me why someone did that. I'm not Jewish I know that much. There is a teenager across the street who, whenever I happen to make eye contact, gives me one of those "too cool for you" teenager looks.

Hey, they left me out of that statistic. Last winter I went out to my driveway to shovel snow only to discover a swastika had been drawn in the snow in the driveway near the garage door. How many other souls out there are suffering in silence like me?????

I love how MTV is concerned about what they air in Arab homes. Apparently Americans don't warrant the same concern. Sheez, silly me, of course we don't, we're not as proper and sublime as Arabs.

I know you joke about everything--that is a joke I hope. Damn I forgot to tell you obvious things. It's a boy, name Evan, 5 lbs 9 ounces, 4 weeks early (the doctors don't know why regarding the early part.)

Well the baby arrived 4 weeks early. Oh, it's real fun dealing with an unexpected newborn in the house and trying to arrange 50,000 different things. My wife had a C-section, which went well. Her labor wasn't progressing so the doc took the easy way out. My wife's uncle by sheer coincidence was visiting the U.S. He lives in China and he said about 75% of all births in China are done by C-section. Well, you've got to assembly line things when you're dealing with however many billion people are in that lovely Communist dictatorship. That's all for now...your life becomes a series of 15 minute breaks to do what you want when you've got a newborn around. Oh, yeah you guessed the arrival part of the entry subject. But what does the departure mean? That would be my life departing as I knew it. And the white zone thing is from "Airplane".

Thanks sfaJack. Come on now kkk, it won't be long before you don't pull out. The world needs a little kkk.

South Park's new episode wednesday did not disappoint. While Randy was not in the ep as much as I thought he would be, it was great nonetheless. Stan and Kyle play "Guitar Hero", score 100,000 points, and ultimately get dissed by the game in a homophobic finale. Randy had not one, but two classic tighty whitey moments, which has become his trademark. Phil Hendrie's new show continues to be very good. He has kept the loony "guests" but has dispensed with taking calls from real people. Fine by me, the real callers were boring anyway. He has pissed off many of his fans for doing this and also pissed them off for his pro-Iraq war, pro-Bush stances. They just can't stand that he has these views--of course they had no problem with him when he expressed his very liberal views on his old show, pre-9/11. Besides, he still has a lot of liberal views, but the war thing tends to dominate. Anyway, you go Phil, you're awesome. Clinton stiffs waitress. No, no, Hillary....not Bill. Or did she? http://blogs.usatoday.com/onpolitics/2007/...of-the-tip.html The only thing about this story that has any relevance is that media outlets are using the word "waitress". I thought this word was outmoded, outdated, and otherwise sexist. I guess it's ok since she is from Iowa, and well, you know, those folks out there aren't as sophisticated as the rest of the country.

This from the Orwellian file: Holiday Display Task Force in Ft Collins, Co. An example of some of the policy suggestions: Avoid snowflakes and red and green lighting--these things are too closely relatable to Christmas. My advice, remember this season to 'X' out--Xmas not Christmas! The founder of the Weather Channel went apeshit over the idea of catastrophic man-made global warming yesterday. Check out this rant:

http://news.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,30200-1291894,00.html Jesus, at least when an American goes nuts and kills people they have the ability to finish the suicide portion of the process properly. The shooter posted a video of himself on Youtube. So I guess by attempting suicide, he feels that he is unfit and a disgrace to the human race.

Following up on my Bengals post, there was a Q&A with none other than Mike Brown in today's Cincinnati Enquirer. This is perhaps the most comical example of front office football buffoonery ever recorded. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention in the previous post that the Bengals do NOT have an official GM. When he took over the team as president in 1992, Mikey was basically the GM/President. When asked during this Q&A if he would hire a GM, he said no, we currently have a 3-headed GM consisting of himself, his daughter Katie Blackburn, and his son-in-law Troy Blackburn (Katie's husband). Here are some choice samples: What's served for lunch? Right you tight-ass, gotta check the prices on the vegetable tray. King Kong, rabbits...my head is spinning. Jesus, now elephants too? You're not sure who Hines Ward is? It's kind of important seeing how Pittsburgh is in your division. Awwwwwww, he's glum. Finally a decent horror moive...from 27 years ago. After the crap movies I saw for Halloween, I finally saw a decent one this weekend. "The Burning" is a classic summer camp slasher from 1980. In a word, awesome. I love the free-wheeling, PC-free attitude of those times. Kids at summer camp swearing, smoking, running around with beebee guns shooting at people. In other things that would get you expelled and sent to a social worker these days. The story involves a mean summer camp caretaker who is horribly burned in a prank gone bad. Of course he exacts his revenge with hedge clippers. Fuckin A. During NBC's laughable green segment during the SNF halftime show, Matt Lauer referred to Al Gore as one of the "best minds" on Climate Change. Best minds? What exactly is his science degree in? So the purpose of the segment is turns off the lights in the studio for the halftime show to demonstate being green. I'm not kidding. They had candles on the desk. Yet their generators were certainly still going, the giant plasma screen was on behind Costas' head, all the power necessary to video link to Lauer on the other side of the world was not shut down. This had to be an SNL skit, right? We got our email notice about a Holiday Party at work today to take place December 14th. That's right, Holiday Party, not Christmas Party. Earlier this month we received an email about the Thanksgiving Luncheon that will take place November 14th. Ah PC split personality, I love it. Why is it OK to willy nilly use the word "Thanksgiving", and yet "Christmas" must NOT be used. Everyone knows it is because of Christmas that we have this party, but we must not name it so.

Not to mention the worst sin of all--the Pilgrims being devout Christians.

This weeks South Park promises to be awesome for one simple reason--Stan's dad Randy plays a prominent part. Randy has become the show's best and funniest character, leaving Cartman and Butters in his wake. He's already kicked ass this season with his world record defecation (confirmed by a Swiss group that oversees fecal measuring accuracy). This week will follow the much praised Imaginationland Trilogy, which I thought started out great but fizzled at the end of "Episode III". Randy Is The Man. Al Gore was asked a tough question about someone in the IPCC who disagrees with some of his conclusions regarding climate change. His response-- "He's an outlyer, he's no longer with the IPCC." Way to confront an opposing view. Just call him an "outlyer" and move on.

Wait till you hear about the Sunday Night Football studio blackout. See my post for today.

The Bengals suck. Why they suck is not known by people outside of Cincinnati. Bengals owner Mike Brown's first priority is not winning. He doesn't particularly care if they win or not. He doesn't do what's necessary to field a winning team. All NFL teams are of course a business and they wish to make money, but at the same time they care about winning. Not Mike Brown. The Bengals are just as capable as any other team of acquiring high quality NFL talent. This isn't high school folks, this isn't a case of "well, their school is bigger than ours and they have better players than we do." The Bengals could have acquired the same difference makers that have helped the Colts, the Patriots, etc. to become winning teams. A typical NFL team will have 10 to 20 scouts. The Bengals have 1 person designated as a scout and 3 assistant scouts. Their marketing department has 18 management people and of course more beneath them. A few years back, Mike Brown threatened the city with taking his team away from Cincinnati if they did not give him a stadium, i.e. have the people of Cincinnati pay for it. We should have told him fine by us and have a nice day. But people gave in, in part from efforts by a "citizen" who was all over the media citing the advantages of having an NFL team in the city. (There are advantages but of course the people also want a winner.) This guy, after the whole thing was over and the deal was done, was found to be on the Bengals payroll. Brown got his stadium and a whole lot more. He is guaranteed a sellout by the city. If people get pissed and stop showing up to the games, it matters not to Brown. He still gets 100% sellout money from the city. In addition, he doesn't pay utilities for the stadium. The city pays all utilities. Nice. The Bengals bring nothing but ridicule and embarrassment to the city and it's all on Mike Brown. May the cancer fairy visit the bastard and rid us of him for good...oh wait, his daughter, Katie Blackburn, will take over the team when he croaks. This city is screwed.

Things haven't really turned around, it's mostly illusion. They had the one season, 2005, where they were 11-5 or 10-6 and won the division. That's the ONLY winning season for Lewis. As long as the Brown family is there it will be crap. The bitch of it is, Palmer is going to be ruined by this experience. He could go down as an excellent player, but he'll end up being thought of as a mediocre player when it's all said and done because of a crap organization.

Yeah, I know it's your line, but it is so appropriate for Mikey Brown. I'll buy you one of those chick drinks you like if/when you ever come to Cincy again.

yeah, most of the SCARIEST MOMENTS aren't scary. I can't believe I watched some of that nonsense. They pick out particular gory or disturbing moments, but that doesn't always equal scary. And Army of Darkness for sure isn't supposed to be scary. One of their EVEN SCARIER MOMENTS was from "Oldboy" where a guy cuts off his own tongue. Lovely, yeah that's great, but not scary in the least.

I agree with Shooter, the first is great. The rest are either mildly entertaining (H2, H4, H5, H6, H20) or awful (H3 and Resurrection). I just like the atmosphere of a small midwestern town Halloween setting + a pure evil killer. Some people couldn't care less. Oh and kkk, Rob Zombie's movie was a remake of the first movie, not a sequel in any way.

Well, there's one in every crowd. As you read the following, keep in mind that this guy is responsible for teaching kids. Source: Cincinnati Enquirer opinion page, 31 October 2007.

Well, I've been watching my Halloween horror movie line-up and here goes. Land of the Dead: Not very good, I didn't enjoy it. Well, it didn't suck completely but it just wasn't entertaining. I still like "Dawn" better as well as "Night". I never liked "Day" much and guess what? Romero is remaking "Day". Why I have no idea. The one good thing about "Land" is the cameo by "Dawn" make-up artist Tom Savini as a zombie. He also had a cameo in "dawn" as a crazed biker chopping up zombies with a machete. Good stuff. Hatchet: Pretty disappointing. I was looking forward to this, but it was a mess. It was too much of a homage/parody of Jason movies and seemed like it couldn't decide which it was. The "bad guy", a deformed backwoods type with overalls, was just silly. I guess they meant him to be silly, I don't know. There was no attempt to give him quality make-up, he looked like he was wearing a rubber suit. It clearly wasn't supposed to be legitimately scary, but it went a bit too far in the other direction. There were plenty of bare breasts and plenty of gore. Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Meyers: Not bad, I enjoyed it. It cleared up for me the mysterious guy at the end of H5, although that whole Satanist storyline got put on the back burner/ended up on the cutting room floor. They did not flesh out the backstory on that at all. In the movie, they are trying to "capture/control" Michael's evil. But that takes a backseat to Michael doing his usual mayhem. All in all, a good flick with a good nude scene to boot. The Burning: Have yet to see this. Now this I'm looking forward to seeing. It's the real deal, made in the early 1980s horror. Before horror movies became comedies later in the decade with the Freddy sequels. I'm sure it will be chessy, but I'm also sure it will be over-the-top and feature plenty of nude chicks. I'll report on this later in the week.

I don't think the filmmakers get the ending either. Donald Pleasance died shortly after filming, or somewhere around then, and they hastily through in a different ending where you hear Dr. Loomis screaming, I guess killed by Michael. Oh God, I hate AMC. Heavily edited movies and commercials. But I'll probably check out parts of H5 when I get home from work, just to refresh my memory on the events in the movie. I'm pissed off at the HD movie channel, which is showing crap tonight. Last year they had "Madman", an early 80s classic. This year, crap. What are they showing in primetime? A movie called "Bubble", about the investigation of a single mother who was killed at an Ohio toy factory, directed by the somnambulant Steven Soderbergh. Way to go, yeah that's great for Halloween. Thanks a lot you dicks.