Guest WrestlingDeacon Report post Posted December 25, 2002 XPW Monday Nightmare for March, 10th 2003 Live from a bridge underpass in Pasadena Hosts: Joey Styles and Terry Funk Let’s Not Get Our Hopes Up Opening Singles Match FlockNest Monster vs The Miserly Jew: Super kick by FlockNest Monster. Back heel kick off the second rope, MJ goes down. Tiger suplex on MJ, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Nesty uses a basement dropkick to the knee. There's a two count on the pin. MJ counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Nesty gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. Brainbuster suplex by The Miserly Jew, who apparently is in the mood to bust some brains. Nesty blocks the suplex attempt. Spinning bulldog in the corner, MJ is down. MJ scores with a forearm, sending Nesty down into the corner. The referee pulls The Miserly Jew away to get the break. Wait! Nesty has pulled something out of his tights. The Miserly Jew walks over...and gets floored by a punch! 1....2....3! The referee never saw the brass knuckles! DUD, and a poor DUD at that. (This is what I’m all about. Vince McMahon can point at the attitude era, Eric Bischoff can point at the nWo, Dusty Rhodes can…uh…just and point and babble, but I can point at this match and say this, this is the fruit of my genius.) Winner: FlockNest Monster Overall Rating: 40% Crowd Reaction: 19% Match Quality: 61% T’Pol would like to implore all dozen XPW fans to try her new T’Pol Breast Flavored Tea at a Piggly Wiggly near you. “Please try a cup of my C cup…….do I have to say that?” (The SWF guys at the bottom of the page can tell you that I have a weird thing for odd celebrity endorsed products.) Segment Rating: 63% Let’s Keep a Feud Rolling Even Though Shady Will be Out for a Year Singles Match Damien 666 vs American Wild Child : Damien 666 strikes Wild Child. American Wild Child takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Forearm to the face from Wild Child on Damien. Wild Child whips Damien into the turnbuckles...and predictably, the referee gets sandwiched. Flying knee to the face from American Wild Child. Is it Mutoh Appreciation Night? Pinfall attempt, but the ref is conveniently laid out. Damien pushes out of a American Wild Child hold. Flying elbow from Damien 666, barely hitting the target. Damien, chanelling the power of Takada, hits a high kick on American Wild Child. Cover for a two count. Damien 666 with an enziguri. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Wild Child counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Back heel kick from Wild Child on Damien, missed by miles. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Damien drops out the back of a American Wild Child bodyslam attempt. Damien 666 has American Wild Child down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Through the air, Moonsault! 1....2....3. Damien 666 offers a handshake to Wild Child...and he accepts it! No! American Wild Child levels Damien with a cheap shot right hand! American Wild Child climbs to the top rope and hits the Wild Thing! Damien 666 has been knocked silly. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad. (I like how EWR automatically books poorly for you by putting in an unneeded ref bump. I also totally dig the cheapshot after a handshake thing. I had an old game where that bit would end every single Barry Horowitz match. Barry Horowitz, there’s a guy I need to pick up.) Winner: Damien 666 Overall Rating: 52% Crowd Reaction: 43% Match Quality: 61% Hype video for Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti to the tune “I am Tazz’s Cousin Do-Dah” by the I am Tazz’s Cousin band. I love these new hype videos, I can push people who suck on the mic and in the ring. Segment Rating: 74% Cage Match of Death for the XPW Deathmatch Title Honky Tonk Orton vs Chris Chetti: Stiff chop lights up Chetti. Honky Tonk Orton throws Chetti into the cage. Honky Tonk Orton and Chetti climb the cage....but both end up crashing back to the canvas after a struggle! Bodyslam by Orton. Bodyslam by Orton. Chetti blocks a punch. Chris Chetti throws Orton into the cage. Lightning kick by Chetti on Orton. Chris Chetti and Orton climb the cage....but both end up crashing back to the canvas after a struggle! Chris Chetti gets taken down out of nowhere. Spinebuster by Honky Tonk Orton. Death valley driver by Honky Tonk Orton, Chris Chetti got planted. Chris Chetti reverses a hip toss. Chris Chetti strikes Orton. Chetti only gets knees on a splash. Honky Tonk Orton and Chetti climb the cage....but both end up crashing back to the canvas after a struggle! Orton slams Chris Chetti down. Honky Tonk Orton moves in for the kill. Shake, Rattle and Orton! Honky Tonk Orton and Chetti climb the cage....until Chris Chetti gets knocked off by a right hand! Orton climbs over the top for the win! The fight has started up again! Honky Tonk Orton attacks Chetti, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating. (After the match, Orton and Chetti bond over how they can’t believe that nepotism has only gotten them this far. Where’s Verne Gagne when you need him.) Winner: Honky Tonk Orton Overall Rating: 60% Crowd Reaction: 61% Match Quality: 59% Show Rating: 58% TV Rating: .15 Attendance: 160 little old ladies from Pasadena Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest chirs3 Report post Posted December 25, 2002 T’Pol would like to implore all dozen XPW fans to try her new T’Pol Breast Flavored Tea at a Piggly Wiggly near you. “Please try a cup of my C cup…….do I have to say that?” (The SWF guys at the bottom of the page can tell you that I have a weird thing for odd celebrity endorsed products.) Segment Rating: 63% Best. Segment. Ever. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest WrestlingDeacon Report post Posted December 25, 2002 XPW Wednesday Wet Dream for March, 12th 2003 Taped Live from the Comcast Studios in Comcastlevania Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel Fucked up Name Singles Match newcomer Adnon El Big Kahuna vs El Mosca De La Merced: Adnon flattens El Mosca De La Merced. Adnon El Big Kahuna DDTs Mosca, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. There's a two count on the pin. Mosca ducks a wild right hand. Mosca hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Mosca uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Hooks the leg for a two count. DDT from the top rope by El Mosca De La Merced. That looked brutal. Pin, but Adnon is out just before the three count. Second rope flying axe handle, Adnon goes down. Adnon ducks a wild right hand. Adnon suplexes El Mosca De La Merced badly. There's a two count on the pin. Adnon El Big Kahuna uses something vaguely resembling a reverse suplex. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Mosca takes a vertical suplex from Adnon El Big Kahuna. Adnon El Big Kahuna strikes El Mosca De La Merced. Adnon walks into a trip. Mosca hits a dropkick on Adnon El Big Kahuna. Back heel kick off the second rope, Adnon goes down. El Mosca De La Merced floors Adnon El Big Kahuna...and climbs the turnbuckles. Cannonball Legdrop!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. El Mosca De La Merced offers a handshake to Adnon...but he spits at El Mosca De La Merced and walks off! Slap a DUD on it, move on (When I saw Kahuna’s name, I had to have him. Though, what kind of name is Adnon El Big Kahuna anyway? It sounds like Superman knocked up a Hawaiian.) Winner: Shit Angel Overall Rating: 41% Crowd Reaction: 22% Match Quality: 60% Kriss Kloss is backstage with T’Pol and The Sandman. T’Pol pushes her breast flavored tea. Sandman says it’s better than mixing Pabst with Beast Ice. However, he secretly pours booze from a flask into his cup behind T’Pol’s back to make Irish Tea. Random cut to the Drunk Irishman shooting the metal and then passing out. Sandman has a ladder match later tonight against Honky Tonk Orton. T’Pol tries to cut a promo on him, but the character is so damn stupid that green smoke just pours out of her ears and you can hear brain cells fizzling out. Segment Rating: 67% Thanks for Jobbing to Honky Tonk Orton, Let’s Put you Over Singles Match Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti vs Salid Jihad: Jihad strikes away at Chris Chetti. Jihad drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Jihad takes a hurrancarana from Chris Chetti. DDT from the top rope by Chris Chetti. That looked brutal. Chris Chetti moves in for the kill. Chetti-Plex!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Raphael Muhammed comes running down the aisle with a chair, and gets into the ring! Muhammed hits Chetti with a chair to the back! Chris Chetti goes down to the canvas, hurt. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad. (Chetti vs. Muhammed for Monday. It’s not like I have a tag division I can push the New Panthers in anyway. Maybe I should bring in Kamala and Abdullah the Butcher and they can be the Grey Panthers.) Overall Rating: 52% Crowd Reaction: 37% Match Quality: 68% Hype video for Terry Funk to the tune of “Get the Funk out of my Face” by the Brothers Johnson. Trust me; download this song now. The video mostly consists of Funk smacking people in the head with a cookie sheet and a few shots of his NWA World Title run as depicted in cave paintings. Segment Rating: 81% Terry Funk vs American Wild Child : Big clothesline from Funker. American Wild Child can barely stand. DDT! 1....2....3. Wild Child is pounding the canvas with punches, shouting about how unfair everything is. This one gets * rating and likes it. (Now that’s a clothesline. Apparently Terry had to get back to the home in time for pudding and Matlock.) Winner: Terry Funk Overall Rating: 55% Crowd Reaction: 49% Match Quality: 62% The Flock-Nest run to the ring to save Wild Child post match. Johnny Smith yells at Coat Rack Steven Richards to dump blood on Funk from the rafters. Nothing happens, because, well, it’s a coat rack. A stagehand makes the dump and Funk is covered in blood. He bitches about how “this isn’t a bloodbath, I’ll show you a bloodbath” and then blades another 3 gallons and starts ranting about John Wayne or something until he passes out. Segment Rating: 57% Triple Threat Match of Possibly Cool Gimmicks Halloween vs FlockNest Monster vs GQ Money : GQ walks into a high dropkick from FlockNest Monster. Hip toss onto a chair by Halloween. GQ counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. GQ Money hits a shaky delayed suplex on Halloween. Suplex into a front slam from GQ, but the execution was crap. Cover for a two count. Slingshot clothesline by Halloween, who almost messed it up by slipping on the ropes. Pin, but GQ is out just before the three count. GQ kicks Halloween in the gut to reverse the momentum. Singapore cane shot by GQ. Back heel kick off the second rope, GQ goes down. FlockNest Monster has GQ Money down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Through the air, Moonsault! 1....2....3. I'll give a 1\2 star rating. (Man, I’m getting killed on the crowd reaction this week. I know it’s an XPW show, but is their a Valium salesmen in the stands or what.) Overall Rating: 47% Crowd Reaction: 30% Match Quality: 65% Honky Tonk Orton is backstage, bouncing up and down to keep warm, mostly because the building doesn’t have any heat. Segment Rating: 52% Ladder Match of Death for the XPW Deathmatch Title Honky Tonk Orton vs The Sandman: Honky Tonk Orton fires off some right and left hands. Orton slams The Sandman onto the ladder. Back elbow connects, Sandman staggers backward. Honky Tonk Orton with a spinning neckbreaker on Sandman. Orton only gets knees on a splash. Whip into the ladder by Sandman. Powerslam from The Sandman on Orton. Honky Tonk Orton takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Big piledriver on Sandman. Spear! Sandman is down and hurt. Honky Tonk Orton gets taken down out of nowhere. The Sandman hits a weak punch on Honky Tonk Orton. Honky Tonk Orton elbows The Sandman in the face to break a hammerlock. Bodyslam by Orton. Sandman climbs the ladder. Supreme comes running down the aisle and into the ring, and pushes the ladder over! Sandman is sent flying, ending up going through the ropes to the outside! Honky Tonk Orton goes up ladder and grabs the prize for the win. Orton \ Supreme are beating down on The Sandman! The music of Julio Dinero hits, and he comes running down the aisle into the ring. Orton and Supreme bail out of the ring, leaving The Sandman down in the ring. Julio Dinero may have saved The Sandman from a brutal beating. I'm going to give this a ** rating because i'm in a generous mood. (I thought about ending this with the Sandman taking a sick bump, but it’s like giving medical insurance to Jackie Chan. You just know a hospital stay is inevitable with as beat up as that body is.) Overall Rating: 63% Crowd Reaction: 67% Match Quality: 55% Show Rating: 57% TV Rating: .56 Attendance: 152 comatose bastards whom I despise with every fiber of my being, but please buy a hat and some breast flavored tea on your way out. This Monday on Nightmare more matches that you don’t give a shit about. Might be a few days as I play with all my shiny Christmas toys and I have to go to Cincinnati this weekend to watch a building implode. Which is a pretty normal weekend for me actually. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest WrestlingDeacon Report post Posted January 1, 2003 XPW Monday Nightmare for March, 17th 2003 Live from the last house on the left in Pomona Hosts: Joey Styles and Terry Funk Danny Doring is a Bitch and Needs to be Put Over Singles Match Adnon El Big Kahuna vs Danny Doring: Adnon gets slammed. Running knee lift from Danny Doring. Doring hits a stump piledriver on Adnon El Big Kahuna. Lifting DDT by Danny Doring, looked good. Adnon El Big Kahuna is in trouble. Wham Bam!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Rating: 1\2 star. (No thank you Mam’? Anyway, I wanted to bring Roadkill in to give me another tag team, but he’s under contract to Major League Wrestling and won’t even talk to me. How sad is that? “I know that I would be going from being a medium sized fish in a small pond to being a medium sized fish in another small pond, but you sir have pond scum.”) Winner: Danny Doring Overall Rating: 50% Crowd Reaction: 37% Match Quality: 63% Tag Champs Mexico’s Most Wanted sit in the back sipping T’Pol Breast Flavored tea, playing chest and flipping through the latest New Yorker. Damien 666 notices the camera on and kicks Halloween under the table. They immediately jump up to put on sombreros, banderols, grab a bottle of tequila and shoot pistols into the air while screaming “Arriba! Arriba!” The distraction allows the Flock-Nest All Stars to attack from behind and they throttle the faces with Coat Rack Steven Richards. Much tennis racket sodomizing follows, I assure you. Segment Rating: 44% Let’s Pretend We Book Matches in a Long Term Manner Singles Match: Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti vs Raphael Muhammed: Chris Chetti strikes Muhammed. Chetti uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Spinning bulldog in the corner, Muhammed is down. Tornado DDT from Chris Chetti, Muhammed got planted. Raphael Muhammed is in trouble. Chetti-Plex! 1....2....3. Salid Jihad comes running down the aisle with a chair and into the ring! Chetti turns...and is dropped by a vicious chair shot! Salid Jihad has left Chetti down and bloodied. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad. (Who can I get to help Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti in his feud with the militant blacks? If only Steve Lombardi’s nephew twice removed on his mother’s side was available.) Winner: Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti Overall Rating: 52% Crowd Reaction: 37% Match Quality: 68% “Hello, I’m the XPW’s T’Pol, manager of The Enterprise. You might think you don’t know me, but if you’ve tried my T’Pol’s Breast Flavored tea you know me in an intimate way that only few men and the starting lineup of the 1996 Portland Trailblazers do. That’s because I carefully and lovingly dip one of my breasts into each batch of T’Pol’s Breast Flavored tea before it is shipped to market. Sometimes the left one, sometimes the right one, but both breasts stand perky for quality. Now in regular and lactation varieties.” Segment Rating: 79% Challengers Don’t Stand a Chance XPW Tag Title Match Mexico's Most Wanted vs Alter Boys: Damien, chanelling the power of Tatanka, hits a high kick on Alter Boy Matthew. Damien face jams Alter Boy Matthew. Hip toss onto a chair by Halloween. Mexico's Most Wanted whip Luke into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. Alter Boy Luke is in big trouble...Double Brainbuster!! 1....2....3! FN All Stars just hit the ring with chairs! Stereo chair shots put down Mexico's Most Wanted! Luke tries to attack, but gets beaten to the floor with punches and kicks. Alter Boy Matthew has a brief offensive flurry, but gets nailed with a boot to the gut...and hit with the Type Name Here! FN All Stars have laid everyone out! I'll give it a * rating for not being too bad. (Yes, I changed “Takada” above to “Tatanka.” I figured since he was always doing those war dances in the ring and praising the heavens like some Ultimate Warrior knock off (he was? Really? No shit.) he would be a lot easier to channel. And the fact that the FN All Stars finisher is Type Name Here is an error on my part, but you better believe we’re keeping that bad boy. It will be more over than the Uncle Slam.) Winner: Mexico’s Most Wanted Overall Rating: 53% Crowd Reaction: 37% Match Quality: 69% Show Rating: 55% TV Rating: .15 Attendance: 155 Damien Demento marks (do not ask me where we found them) Coming on XPW Wednesday Wet Dream: Stuff and Things! (That would be a great name for a new tag team. I wonder what Well Dunn is doing now.) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
King Cucaracha 0 Report post Posted January 1, 2003 “Hello, I’m the XPW’s T’Pol, manager of The Enterprise. You might think you don’t know me, but if you’ve tried my T’Pol’s Breast Flavored tea you know me in an intimate way that only few men and the starting lineup of the 1996 Portland Trailblazers do." LMAO! Man this is great stuff. Forget the 3-D, we've got the Type Name Here!...lol. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Will Scarlet Report post Posted January 1, 2003 This stuff is pretty awesome. I often await what happens next. Who can I get to help Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti in his feud with the militant blacks? I think you should hire someone with previous experience in dealing with militant black wrestlers...you know...Ahmed Johnson. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest WrestlingDeacon Report post Posted January 2, 2003 XPW Wednesday Wet Dream for March, 19th 2003 Taped Live from the Comcast Studios in Comcastlevania Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel Webb is a Bigger Bitch than Danny Doring Opening Squash Webb vs Alter Boy Luke: Spear by Webb. Death valley driver by Webb, Alter Boy Luke got planted. Death valley driver by Webb, Alter Boy Luke got planted. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Running knee lift from Webb. There's a two count on the pin. Luke ducks a wild right hand. Flying elbow from Alter Boy Luke. Super kick by Alter Boy Luke. Webb counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Spear by Webb. Webb has Alter Boy Luke down on the canvas. Tazmission!!! Alter Boy Luke taps out! Webb gives a murderous look toward Alter Boy Luke...and attacks! Luke gets dropped to the canvas, then battered with a barrage of rights and lefts. Webb leaves the ring having left Luke down and out. Nothing worth seeing here, i'll give a 1\2 star rating because i'm generous. (Luke kicked out of back-to-back Death Valley Drivers. Kane sends him a letter of congratulations and sends Webb a voice mail of “Ha-Ha” that sounds like Nelson.) Winner: Webb Overall Rating: 49% Crowd Reaction: 31% Match Quality: 67% Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti is in the back ordering a pizza on his cell phone. He’s peeved that they won’t give him a discount for being Tazz’s Cousin. What is this world coming to? The New Panthers attack from behind with a ceramic statue of Huey P. Newton to leave Chetti down and bloodied. Muhammed yells “We’ve got your pepperoni right here punk” and grabs his crotch. Jihad shakes his head and walks off camera muttering “dude, dude.” Muhammed: “What?” Segment Rating: 45% If you Job One Catholic You Have to Job them All Singles Match Evan Karagias vs Alter Boy Matthew: Kick from Evan Karagias to the leg. Karagias hits a dropkick on Alter Boy Matthew. 'Hit' may be an exaggeration, as it barely touched. Hooks the leg for a two count. Matthew powers out of a headlock. Hard back suplex on Karagias. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Kick from Alter Boy Matthew to the leg. Karagias takes a flying neckbreaker from Alter Boy Matthew. Karagias blocks a kick from Alter Boy Matthew. Back heel kick from Karagias on Matthew, missed by miles. Evan Karagias gets whipped into the corner. Matthew charges in, but into a pair of raised boots. Karagias uses a roll up, with feet on the second rope! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! Alter Boy Matthew extends his hand to Karagias...but it is ignored! Nothing worth seeing here, i'll give a 1\2 star rating because i'm generous. (Just like in the bible, it appears that Luke is much more over than Matthew. The Miserly Jew no-sells both of their existences.) Winner: Evan Karagias Overall Rating: 50% Crowd Reaction: 29% Match Quality: 71% “Shizzle my Nizzles, GQ Money in the hizzle. Kicking back, drinking T’Pol Breast Flavored Teaizzle. Munching on some crumpetizzles, reading the latest issue of Playizzle Magazizzle. Unwind like the G-zizzle Q-zizzle Moneyzizzle with the only tea for mezizzle……What the hell did I just say?” Segment Rating: 58% Kriss Kloss finds Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti in the infirmary in the back. The doctor gives him two steroids and tells him to call him in the morning. Chetti gets on the stick and pledges a revenge best served COLD on the STONED New Panthers, because he’s not the average Joe or STEVE for that matter and it will take place this coming Monday on Nightmare in AUSTIN, Texas. Kloss reminds Chetti that the show is taking place in California as usual. Chetti glaring, “That doesn’t make a lick a difference!” Segment Rating: 59% Four Way Dance of Guys we Just had Lying Around the Back Playing Euchre El Mosca De La Merced vs Danny Doring vs Kaos vs Adnon El Big Kahuna: Danny Doring hits some punches. Flying shoulder tackle by Doring sends Mosca to the mat. Cover for a two count. Doring walks into a trip. Tag between El Mosca De La Merced and Kaos. Flying elbow from Kaos. Kaos whips Doring into the turnbuckles...and predictably, the referee gets sandwiched. Tiger suplex on Doring, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Cover, but there's no one to count for Kaos. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Doring kicks Kaos in the gut to reverse the momentum. Doring tags out to Adnon El Big Kahuna. Brutal forearm by Adnon. Adnon El Big Kahuna hits a right hand on Kaos. Kaos avoids a Adnon El Big Kahuna avalanche. Spin kick by Kaos to the face. Springboard dropkick from Kaos. Nicely done. Pin, three count, it's over. Kaos pins Adnon. Kick from El Mosca De La Merced to the leg. Kaos takes a flying neckbreaker from El Mosca De La Merced. There's a two count on the pin. Mosca crushes Kaos with a running senton. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. El Mosca De La Merced misses a clothesline. Vicious kick to the teeth from Kaos. Kaos tags out to Danny Doring. Spear! Mosca is down and hurt. Cover gets three. Danny Doring pinned Mosca. Doring drives a forearm into the chest of Kaos. Kaos blocks a punch. Super kick by Kaos. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Danny Doring avoids a Kaos avalanche. Big backdrop on Kaos, executed well. Kaos can barely stand. Here it comes - Wham Bam. 1....2...3, it's finished. This one gets * rating and likes it. (Yes, I jobbed the guy feuding with Perry Saturn to Danny Doring, but I seem to have this ECW clique thing going on, so while spoil a bad thing.) Winner: Danny Doring Overall Rating: 51% Crowd Reaction: 37% Match Quality: 65% Kriss Kloss has Honky Tonk Orton and Supreme in the back to talk about their upcoming match with Julio Dinero and the Sandman. Supreme blurts his name out randomly as usual while Orton rambles on about how the match is “huge man, it’sjustlike huge.” Segment Rating: 54% XPW Television Title Squash Ma…We Mean, Singles Match that Anyone Can Win Perry Saturn vs FlockNest Monster: Super kick by Perry Saturn. FlockNest Monster is in trouble. Family Gredunza! 1....2....3. Kaos comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Saturn gets slammed down. Kaos climbs to the top rope...Kaostrify! Perry Saturn has been left down on the canvas. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad (Saturn has been hanging out with Terry Funk in the back. “Fuck it, just kick the guy in the nuts, Barney Miller’s on at 10.”) Winner: Perry Saturn Match Quality: 55% Crowd Reaction: 38% Match Quality: 73% Kloss now has Dinero and Sandman to comment on the match with Orton and Supreme. Sandman naturally assumes Dinero is GQ Money (because frankly I don’t know what the difference is myself), which is ok by him because he’s got some rolling papers if Sandman’s got some weed. Segment Rating: 61% Tag Team Main Event that Will Most Likely End in a Giant Schmozz Dinero \ Sandman vs Orton \ Supreme: Standing leg lariat by Julio Dinero on Supreme. Supreme takes a flying neckbreaker from Julio Dinero. There's a two count on the pin. Dinero tags out to The Sandman. Dinero \ Sandman whip Supreme into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. There's a two count on the pin. The Sandman hits a weak elbow on Supreme. Supreme counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Supreme hits a sloppy double axe handle. There's a two count on the pin. Tag between Supreme and Honky Tonk Orton. Spear by Honky Tonk Orton. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Honky Tonk Orton with a spinning neckbreaker on Sandman. The Sandman powers out of a Honky Tonk Orton headlock. The Sandman punches away at Honky Tonk Orton. Sandman tags out to Julio Dinero. Orton walks into a high dropkick from Julio Dinero. Tag to Supreme. Flying elbow from Julio Dinero. Honky Tonk Orton scoops up Dinero for a slam, then turns....but Supreme accidentally gets hit in the face with the raised legs of Dinero, and it's a Survivor Series 5 flashback moment. Supreme can barely stand. Here it comes - Super Kick. 1....2...3, it's finished. FN All Stars come running down the aisle with chairs! They slide in behind Dinero \ Sandman...and drop them with stereo chair shots! FN All Stars leave the ring, the damage done. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad. (Someone needs to check on Keith having flashbacks, all that acid he did during the Global days. I want the Flock-Nest to seem like powerful shit disturbers, but I believe that they just come off as powerfully shitty.) Winner: Dinero and Sandman Overall Rating: 55% Crowd Reaction: 56% Match Quality: 56% Show Rating: 53% TV Rating: .56 Attendance: 154 mannequins with tape recorders blaring crowd noise Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest WrestlingDeacon Report post Posted January 3, 2003 XPW Monday Nightmare for March, 24th 2003 Live from anywhere in the world other than Austin, Texas Hosts: Joey Styles and Terry Funk Webb is Still Being a Little Bitch Opening Singles Match Webb vs The Drunk Irishman: Lame kick from Irishman. Webb ducks a clothesline attempt. Spear by Webb. Massive lariat, apparently Webb has been watching The Best Of Stan Hansen again. The referee bumps after catching a wild right hand and is down. The Drunk Irishman knocks Webb to the outside, then signals for the The Drunken Elbow. He reaches out of the ring for Webb...and gets clobbered with the ring bell! Right to the head! The referee wakes up to see Webb sliding in and making the pinfall: 1....2....3! Forget about it. Yuck. DUD. (Since Doring and Webb are both being bitches about their pushes, I’m having them feud with each other. Considering that neither one is going to put the other guy over. So, I’m a masochist, I know some girls that dig that, and if you happen to be one of them call me. I’m trying to pick up chicks on a wrestling board. I must be retarded too.) Winner: Webb Overall Rating: 44% Crowd Reaction: 32% Match Quality: 57% Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti hits the ring to demand a tag team match tonight with the New Panthers. Terry Funk helpfully points out from the commentators’ table that he doesn’t have a partner. Oh, doesn’t he…how about…AHMED JOHNSON! Joey Styles sets himself on fire and runs around in a circle until Funk pisses out the flames. Ahmed trots down with a gut approximately the size of New Jersey while eating a Snickers bar wrapped in bacon. Johnson vows to take the New Panthers down, because he’s bigger and blacker. Well, he’s sure bigger than both of them put together. (Tip of the top hat to Will Scarlet for suggesting Ahmed Johnson. See, I read what you guys write and it really helps and encourages me. Ok, let’s cut this crap out before I start tearing up……damn, too late.) Segment Rating: 51% Terry Feels Like Funking Some Snot Nosed Brat up Singles Match Terry Funk vs Evan Karagias: Karagias hits an arm drag on Funker. Evan Karagias uses a running dropkick into the corner. Hooks the leg for a two count. Funker reverses a Evan Karagias hammerlock. Terry Funk hits a right hand on Evan Karagias. Terry Funk with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Karagias. Cover for a two count. Side suplex from Funker. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Evan Karagias takes a right hand to the temple from Funker. Terry Funk gets taken down out of nowhere. Karagias, chanelling the power of Tatanka, hits a high kick on Terry Funk. There's a two count on the pin. Diving headbutt from Karagias, not much elevation. Pin, but Funker is out just before the three count. Karagias hits a spinning back kick. Forearm to the face from Karagias on Funker. Evan Karagias misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Terry Funk hits a right hand on Evan Karagias. Funker DDTs Evan Karagias. Evan Karagias can barely stand. DDT! 1....2....3. Johnny Smith comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Funker gets floored...Leglock Submission! It's locked on tight! Terry Funk has been left down on the canvas. I'll give it a *1\2 rating. (Oddly Terry Funk was in the match, but still on commentary. I know we don’t have the technology to overdub later and the show is supposedly live…let’s say it’s a robot. Actually that explains a lot about Terry Funk.) Winner: Terry Funk Overall Rating: 58% Crowd Reaction: 54% Match Quality: 62% T’Pol is walking through the back when her cell phone rings (man, what a convenient plot device). It’s Rob Black. As a woman contractually bound to XPW she must be sodomized by a tennis racket 3 times a years, give a blow job to at least four potential investors, be smeared with honey for sweeps and stripped to her underwear as much as humanly possible. Lady Victoria jumps out of the shadows and rips T’Pol’s clothes off to reveal a bra and panties set with “DRINK MY BREAST TEA!” written on them. Rob then tells her to rundown to the Motel 8 and meet Crazy Larry of Crazy Larry’s Stereo Emporium. Hello, Larry! Segment Rating: 63% Big, Angry Black Man (well, being Tazz’s cousin, Chetti is sort of orangish) Tag Match Ahmed \ Chetti vs New Panthers: Diamond Dust from Chris Chetti, Muhammed is out. Punch by Ahmed, missing Jihad by a good six inches. Ahmed \ Chetti whip Jihad into the corner. Ahmed Johnson whips Chris Chetti in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Ahmed Johnson moves in for the kill. Here it comes - Pearl River Plunge. 1....2...3, it's finished. The fight has started up again! Ahmed \ Chetti attacks New Panthers, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting. Rating: 1\2 star. (Johnson celebrates by devouring a 70 oz. steak smothered in hot fudge. It’s like watching wild animals on the discovery channel. Fat, slow, homicidal, unover, overly stiff, doesn’t know a wristlock from a wristwatch wild animals.) Winner: Tazz’s Favorite Tag Team Overall Rating: 50% Crowd Reaction: 36% Match Quality: 64% Show Rating: 52% TV Rating: .15 Attendance: 162 people definitely not from Austin, Texas (we’ve gone over 160 people for the first time ever! Break out the box of wine!) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest WrestlingDeacon Report post Posted January 3, 2003 XPW Wednesday Wet Dream for March, 26th 2003 Taped Live from the Comcast Studios in Comcastlevania Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel Doring is Still a Bitch, but We Don’t Have Any Other Jobber Heels to Put Him Over Opening Singles Match Danny Doring vs Adnon El Big Kahuna: Doring hits a right hand. Fallaway slam by Danny Doring. Big piledriver on Adnon. Front legsweep slam by Danny Doring, hit with precision. Danny Doring has Adnon El Big Kahuna down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Off the top - Mamma Jamma Legdrop, forget about it. 1....2...3! Nothing worth seeing here, i'll give a 1\2 star rating because i'm generous. (I put Doring over and he gets more bitchy and winy about his push. It’s like he’s Triple H or something. I’m just glad he can’t be blowing Rob Black behind my back as a game option. But it should be, more realistic.) Winner: Danny Doring Overall Rating: 49% Crowd Reaction: 37% Match Quality: 62% Commissioner Major Gunns addresses the crowd from her bathroom stall office. One, to remind us all that she still exists and two, to hype Sunday’s big show Free Fall. Which is what the attendance numbers will do since we’re up against Wrestlemania. However, just to make it look like we’re going to put some effort into it Terry Funk and Johnny Smith will sign a contract TONIGHT for a (covers her face and mumbles as we haven’t thought that far ahead) match at Free Fall. She would also like to implore everyone to try her new Major Gunns Lemonade fermented around her left ass cheek. Dramatic pause. Crickets chirping. Segment Rating: 61% Danny Doring meets up with Webb at the buffet table backstage. Webb: “Nice Match, man.” Doring: “Thanks. What’s up?” Webb: “I just got word that you and I are feuding.” Doring: “Cool. So, you want me to hit you with a ladder or something.” Webb: “I’m the heel, so I should probably attack you first. What if I just kick you in the groin?” Doring: “Well…I have to meet up with Crazy Larry after the show. Apparently he swings his own special way.” Webb: “I could put you through the buffet table here. I’ve about killed this box of Fiddle Faddle, but there is a box of Chicken in a Biscuit left.” Doring: “No, I finished that before the show.” Webb: “YOU BASTARD!” Webb powerbombs Doring through the table. Segment Rating: 54% Bra and Panties Grudge Match of Hot Ass Bitches T'Pol vs Lady Victoria: Lady hits a stump piledriver on T'Pol. T'Pol comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. T'Pol strikes Lady Victoria. T'Pol attacks with some poorly executed flying moves. Lady takes a second rope chop from T'Pol. Lady ducks a wild right hand. Lady Victoria uses a running dropkick into the corner, although it looked more like a badly done leg lariat if you ask me. Hell, maybe that's what it was supposed to be. Flying knee to the face from Lady Victoria. Lady Victoria punches away at T'Pol. T'Pol drops out the back of a Lady Victoria bodyslam attempt. Lady takes a second rope chop from T'Pol. T'Pol DDTs Lady Victoria. T'Pol moves in for the kill. High Kick! T'Pol pulls the clothes off Lady to leave her in her bra and panties for the win! I don't think the fight has finished. T'Pol and Lady have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. Welcome to DUDville, please drive carefully. (So, they’re botching dropkicks and right hands, but nailing DDT’s and stump piledrivers. I see that Ahmed Johnson is making his presence felt already in the work rate.) Winner: T’Pol Overall Rating: 39% Crowd Reaction: 49% Match Quality: 18% GQ Money is walking out of the shower with a towel around his waist singing “Dancing Machine.” Julio Dinero struts into frame and the two men do this weird ass ten minute handshake. Dinero just wants GQ to know that he’s got his back tonight for the upcoming match with Honky Tonk Orton. The two Money Men of the XPW have to stay together and they bond by dueting on “Two Tickets to Paradise.” Segment Rating: 44% Bunch of Good Tag Guys Brawl Without Their Shitty Partners Match Damien 666 vs Chris Chetti vs Salid Jihad vs American Wild Child: Running clothesline from Salid Jihad, sloppily done. Wild Child receives some unexciting punishment. Cover for a two count. Powerslam from Salid Jihad on Wild Child. American Wild Child comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Jihad takes a chop from Wild Child. There's a two count on the pin. American Wild Child hits a crap missile dropkick on Jihad. Hooks the leg for a two count. Jihad counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Jihad strikes away at Chris Chetti. Tag to Chris Chetti. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Lightning kick by Chetti on Chetti. Wild Child takes a flying neckbreaker from Chris Chetti. Diamond Dust from Chris Chetti, Wild Child is out. Pin, but Wild Child is out just before the three count. Tag between Chris Chetti and Damien 666. American Wild Child takes a knee lift from Damien. Slingshot clothesline by Damien, who almost messed it up by slipping on the ropes. There's a two count on the pin. Face crusher from Damien on Wild Child. Cover for a two count. Damien 666 uses a running dropkick into the corner. Pin, but Wild Child is out just before the three count. Tag to Salid Jihad. Big clothesline from Jihad. Damien 666 takes a right hand to the temple from Jihad. Salid Jihad hits a right hand on Damien 666. Damien reverses a waistlock. Flying knee to the face from Damien 666. Is it Mutoh Appreciation Night? Damien 666 has Salid Jihad down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Through the air, Moonsault! 1....2....3. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad. (Everyone’s partner runs out after the bell and a mad brawl ensues until Ahmed Johnson rips one hell of a juicy fart to clear the ring.) Winner: Damien 666 Overall Rating: 51% Crowd Reaction: 40% Match Quality: 63% “Thank you, thank you, very much. Honky Tonk Orton here and I’m going to leave GQ Money all shook up later tonight. And then I’m going to go after that hound dog Julio Dinero and leave him lying in the ghetto. They are both going to beg me, “don’t be cruel, treat me nice,” but they’ve got rooms booked in the Heartbreak Hotel. Kentucky Rain! Viva Las Vegas! ………I need a drink.” Segment Rating: 53% Singles Match of Death for the XPW Deathmatch Title GQ Money vs Honky Tonk Orton: Orton hits a right hand. Honky Tonk Orton hits some punches. Rude Awakening on GQ Money by Orton. Big backdrop on GQ, executed well. GQ counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. GQ Money strikes Honky Tonk Orton. Brutal forearm by GQ. Hooks the leg for a two count. Honky Tonk Orton comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Full nelson slam on GQ. Hooks the leg for a two count. Honky Tonk Orton scores with a standing spinebuster. Pin, but GQ is out just before the three count. GQ counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Orton tastes a spinning neckbreaker from GQ. Orton powers out of a headlock. Flying shoulder tackle by Orton sends GQ to the mat. Honky Tonk Orton floors GQ near the ropes and makes the pin. Orton is using the ropes for leverage! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! Honky Tonk Orton leaves the ring and heads off down the aisle at speed. Orton has the victory, and isn't hanging around for GQ Money to look for revenge. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad. (Knock off of a knocked off Elvis impersonator warring with a watered down hip hop/rapper and an Eddie Money wannabe = ratings) Winner: Honky Tonk Orton Overall Rating: 51% Crowd Reaction: 44% Match Quality: 59% GQ Money finds Julio Dinero in the back and wants to know “what’s up, beyotch.” He thought Julio had his back. He had his back sure, but Orton attacked him from the front and then ran away so fast that there was nothing he could do. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Well, GQ will forgive and forget if he receives the first Deathmatch title shot off of Dinero if he beats Orton this Sunday at Free Fall. Julio tries to start a duet of “Baby, Hold onto Me,” but Money isn’t having any of it. Segment Rating: 54% You’re Feuding With this Guy, I’m Feuding With that Guy, Let’s Fight Singles Match The Sandman vs Kaos: Some weak shots by Sandman. Kaos kicks The Sandman in the gut to reverse the momentum. Dropkick connects, Sandman goes down. We have our mandatory ref bump, as he goes down after accidentally getting caught by an elbow to the face. Tiger suplex on Sandman, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Cover, but there's no one to count for Kaos. Sandman reverses a Kaos hammerlock. The Sandman punches away at Kaos. Big clothesline from Sandman. 'Big' because it missed by a big margin. There's a two count on the pin. Sandman DDTs Kaos. Pin, but Kaos is out just before the three count. Sandman walks into a trip. Flying cross body off the top rope! I'll give a 0.8 on the Steamboat scale for that effort. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. The Sandman fights out of a grapple. Supreme runs down the aisle and into the ring, carrying a chair! Sandman turns...and gets floored with a chair to the head! The referee has no choice but to call for the bell! Disqualification! Kaos and Supreme are beating the hell out of The Sandman! Perry Saturn sprints down the aisle and slides into the ring! He goes toe-to-toe with Kaos, exchanging punches, while The Sandman comes back, sending Supreme out of the ring with a clothesline. Saturn \ Sandman have cleared the ring, driving off Kaos and Supreme! I'll give it a *1\2 rating. (Sandman and Saturn vaguely recall being in ECW together, but Sandy is drunk and Perry is retarded so it never quite clicks. I also need to think of a really bad gimmick to saddle….I mean, a brilliant character direction to grace Kaos with.) Winner: Sandman by DQ Overall Rating: 59% Crowd Reaction: 57% Match Quality: 61% Major Gunns is in the ring with a card table and a stack of paper stolen from a local Kinkos. The entire Flock-Nest hits the ring, followed by The Enterprise. Terry Funk burns with pages with a branding iron since he’s illiterate, while Smith had Lady Victoria set up his calligraphy set. GQ Money swears to God he heard Coat Rack Steve Richards dissing his mama and attacks. IT’S BREAKIN’ LOOSE IN COMCASTLEVANIA! All the chicks get stripped and sodomized. Terry Funk gets busted wide open by the power of telepathy from Smith and he signs the contract with Funk’s blood. Tom Savini gives the angle a thumbs up. Segment Rating: 57% Show Rating: 52% TV Rating: .56 Attendance: 169 people who thought they were going to a Pyramid taping. Suckers! This Sunday it’s FREE FALL! People fight, stuff happens, chicks be slutty. Be there or do something better. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest WrestlingDeacon Report post Posted January 6, 2003 XPW Free Fall for March, 30th 2003 Live from as far as we can get from the site of Wrestlemania as possible Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel We are proud to present the added bonus attraction of a well-known popular band, part of a well-known band anyway. Please welcome THE DRUMMER FROM GOLDEN EARRING! Unfortunately he doesn’t have the rights to any of the good songs and we have to settle for knockoff tunes like “Night Gallery” and “Sonar Hate.” Major Gunns shuffles depressed down to the ring. She’s there to announce the card for tonight, blah, blah, blah. The Flock-Nest run out and take the ring. Gunns drops her skirt and bends over, sighing for them to get it over with. Wild Child shoves a tennis racket up her ass, but some how all the joy has been sucked out of it (the act of sodomizing her, not her asshole specifically). Segment Rating: 56% Giant Pansy Opening Tag Match Alter Boys vs Politically Incorrect: Winner receives a tag title shot. The Drunk Irishman hits a right hand on Alter Boy Matthew. Big clothesline from Irishman. Hooks the leg for a two count. Irishman tags out to The Miserly Jew. Politically Incorrect hook up Matthew, then hit a double suplex. Big dropkick by The Miserly Jew, who got good elevation. Hooks the leg for a two count. Kick from The Miserly Jew to the leg. Matthew counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Back heel kick off the second rope, MJ goes down. Tag between Alter Boy Matthew and Alter Boy Luke. MJ takes a flying neckbreaker from Alter Boy Luke. Luke crushes MJ with a running senton. MJ reverses a Alter Boy Luke hammerlock. MJ tags out to The Drunk Irishman. Powerslam from The Drunk Irishman on Luke. Flapjack from Irishman on Luke. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. The Drunk Irishman hits a right hand on Alter Boy Luke. Alter Boy Luke elbows The Drunk Irishman in the face to break a hammerlock. Super kick by Alter Boy Luke. The Drunk Irishman gets knocked to the ground by Luke, who is already climbing the turnbuckle. Off the top - Twisting Swanton Bomb, forget about it. 1....2...3! Slap a DUD on it, move on. (Post match, Luke holds the Miserly Jew down while Matthew reads from the New Testament. MJ screams bloody murder and prays for Charlton Heston to come smite them. The Drunk Irishman would help out, but he’s still pretty hung over from St. Patrick’s day and pissing green beer.) Winner: Alter Boys Overall Rating: 43% Crowd Reaction: 23% Match Quality: 63% Contractually Obligated to be on the Card Singles Match GQ Money vs Evan Karagias: GQ walks into a spinning heel kick, evidently feeling that the 'duck' tactic is over-rated. Back heel kick from Karagias on GQ, missed by miles. There's a two count on the pin. GQ counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Lame kick from GQ. GQ suplexes Karagias to the canvas. Cover for a two count. Face-first suplex from GQ. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. GQ suplexes Karagias to the canvas. GQ walks into a trip. Evan Karagias hits a crap missile dropkick on GQ. There's a two count on the pin. Diving headbutt from Karagias, not much elevation. Pin, but GQ is out just before the three count. GQ Money takes a knee lift from Karagias. Karagias hits an arm drag on GQ. GQ backdrops Evan Karagias out of a piledriver attempt. GQ Money snap suplexes Karagias...with authority! ('With authority', trademark G.Monsoon 1986.) GQ Money scores with a poor standing spinebuster. Evan Karagias is in trouble. Here it comes - Neckbreaker Drop. 1....2...3, it's finished. I'll give a 1\2 star rating. (Karagias was fairly over, GQ wasn’t. So, I job GQ to Evan and now GQ is more over and Karagias is less over and neither is really over. I feel more like Vince McMahon by the day. See, it’s all about parity so no one is truly over, but no feelings are hurt.) Winner: GQ Money Overall Rating: 49% Crowd Reaction: 35% Match Quality: 63% Box of Chicken in a Biscuit on a Pole Match Danny Doring vs Webb: Bodyslam by Webb. Full nelson slam on Doring. Webb only gets knees on a splash. Webb takes a back suplex. Flying shoulder tackle by Doring sends Webb to the mat. Death valley driver by Danny Doring, Webb is down and hurt. Doring heads for the pole, but Webb trips him by the ankle. Big backdrop on Webb, executed well. Webb blocks a kick from Danny Doring. Big piledriver on Doring. Webb lunges for the pole, but Doring cuts him off. Death valley driver by Webb, Danny Doring got planted. Webb with a spinning neckbreaker on Doring. Chanelling the spirit of Misawa, Webb uses a forearm to the face. Doring drops out the back of a Webb bodyslam attempt. Rude Awakening on Webb by Doring. Wicked suplex out of the corner from Danny Doring, executed well. Danny Doring moves in for the kill. Here it comes - Wham Bam. Doring easily scales the pole and takes down the box. Danny Doring is still in the ring stuffy his face with the flavorful crackers. Webb pushes the referee away, then drops Doring to the canvas! Webb quickly locks on the Tazmission! Danny Doring is left hurt on the canvas. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating. (Ahmed Johnson runs to ringside. You think to make the save, but he just polishes off the box of Chicken in a Biscuit and heads into the stands for a Nacho Hat.) Winner: Danny Doring Overall Rating: 58% Crowd Reaction: 53% Match Quality: 64% XPW Tag Team Title Elimination Match That Will Not be as Exciting as You Think it will Be Mexico's Most Wanted vs Ahmed \ Chetti vs FN All Stars vs New Panthers: Salid Jihad hits Nesty. Salid Jihad hits a right hand on FlockNest Monster. Jihad tags out to Raphael Muhammed. Muhammed strikes away at FlockNest Monster. There's a two count on the pin. FlockNest Monster pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Nesty tags out to Halloween. Face crusher from Halloween on Muhammed. Flying elbow off the top rope by Halloween, poor elevation though. Tag between Halloween and Damien 666. Mexico's Most Wanted hook up Muhammed, then hit a double suplex. Cover for a two count. Raphael Muhammed powers out of a Damien 666 headlock. Raphael Muhammed hits a right hand on Damien 666. Tag to Chris Chetti. Flying elbow from Chris Chetti. Cover for a two count. Tag between Damien 666 and Raphael Muhammed. Weak headbutt on Chetti by Muhammed. Chris Chetti ducks a clothesline attempt. Flying cross body off the top rope! I'll give a 0.8 on the Steamboat scale for that effort. Pin, three count, it's over. Chris Chetti pins Muhammed. Chetti takes a kick to the chest, and staggers back. American Wild Child with an enziguri. Pin, but Chetti is out just before the three count. Tag to Halloween. Halloween hits an arm drag on Chetti. Tag to FlockNest Monster. Lightning kick by Nesty on Chetti. Tiger suplex on Chetti, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Pin, three count, it's over. FlockNest Monster pins Chetti. Slingshot clothesline by Damien, who almost messed it up by slipping on the ropes. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Nesty takes a chop from Damien. Damien only gets knees on a splash. Nesty hits a dropkick on Damien 666. There's a two count on the pin. Tag to American Wild Child. FN All Stars whip Damien into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Wild Child hits a spinning back kick. Damien reverses a waistlock. Tag between Damien 666 and Halloween. Halloween uses a running dropkick into the corner. Halloween blasts Wild Child with a rather-less-than-super kick. FlockNest Monster gets knocked to the ground by Halloween. FlockNest Monster gets locked in the Pumpkin Patch! Submission victory! I'll give it a * rating for not being too bad. (Ahmed Johnson demanded to be put over, but I gave him a ten pound ham and he seemed satisfied. I can make fun of Ahmed for being fat for at least two more months of the game until I bring Abdullah in for that rib-eating contest. ) Winner: Mexico’s Most Wanted and still champs Overall Rating: 52% Crowd Reaction: 39% Match Quality: 66% Iron Man Match of Death for the XPW Deathmatch Title Julio Dinero vs Honky Tonk Orton: The Drummer for Golden Earring plays “The Human Torch” in honor of the match. FIRST FALL: Second rope flying axe handle, Orton goes down. Orton takes a hurrancarana from Julio Dinero. Hooks the leg for a two count. Orton counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Dinero gets slammed. Flying shoulder tackle by Orton sends Dinero to the mat. There's a two count on the pin. Death valley driver by Honky Tonk Orton, Julio Dinero is down and hurt. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Bodyslam by Orton. Dinero counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Flying cross body off the top rope! I'll give a 0.8 on the Steamboat scale for that effort. Hooks the leg for a two count. Springboard dropkick from Julio Dinero. Nicely done. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Second rope flying axe handle, Orton goes down. Dropkick connects, Orton goes down. Julio Dinero misses a clothesline. Back elbow connects, Dinero staggers backward. Lifting DDT by Honky Tonk Orton, looked good. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Orton defeats Dinero. SECOND FALL: Dinero receives some punishment. Dinero receives some punishment. Back elbow connects, Dinero staggers backward. Big backdrop on Dinero, executed well. Orton only gets knees on a splash. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Lightning kick by Dinero on Orton. Cover for a two count. Orton powers out of a headlock. Spinebuster by Honky Tonk Orton. Cover for a two count. Brutal powerbomb on Dinero. Pin, but Dinero is out just before the three count. Dinero reverses a waistlock. Super frankensteiner on Orton, who hit hard. Cover gets three. Julio Dinero pinned Orton. THIRD FALL: Dinero receives some punishment. Honky Tonk Orton misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Standing leg lariat by Julio Dinero on Orton. Honky Tonk Orton charges, Dinero moves, and the referee is conveniently placed to get knocked out. DDT from the top rope by Julio Dinero. That looked brutal. Hooks the leg, but the referee is still out. Orton blocks the suplex attempt. Big backdrop on Dinero, executed well. Big piledriver on Dinero. There's a two count on the pin. Lifting DDT by Honky Tonk Orton, looked good. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Orton only gets knees on a splash. Flying reverse elbow by Julio Dinero. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Honky Tonk Orton fights out of a grapple. Honky Tonk Orton floors Dinero near the ropes and makes the pin. Orton is using the ropes for leverage! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! END OF BOUT. The fight has started up again! Julio Dinero attacks Orton, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad (No one has a clue why that was “death” like in any way shape or form. However, the state we’re in has pretty strict capital punishment laws, so we had to watch ourselves. But if we ever do a match in Texas, “Lethal Injection Match” here we come. ) Winner: Honky Tonk Orton and still champ Overall Rating: 52% Crowd Reaction: 48% Match Quality: 57% XPW Television Title Singles Match with no Snappy Moniker Perry Saturn vs Kaos: Perry Saturn strikes Kaos. Kick from Perry Saturn to the leg. Spin kick by Perry Saturn to the face. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Kaos avoids a Perry Saturn avalanche. Saturn takes a flying neckbreaker from Kaos. Super kick by Kaos. Cover for a two count. Kaos gets taken down out of nowhere. Kaos walks into a spike slam. There's a two count on the pin. Perry Saturn scores with a big spinebuster. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Kaos comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Kaos scores with a back heel kick on Saturn. Perry Saturn powers out of a Kaos headlock. Flying elbow from Perry Saturn. Perry Saturn has Kaos down on the canvas. Rings Of Saturn!!! Kaos taps out! Perry Saturn offers a handshake to Kaos...and he accepts it! No! Kaos levels Saturn with a cheap shot right hand! Kaos climbs to the top rope and hits the Kaostrify! Perry Saturn has been knocked silly. Worth a ** rating, but no more than that. (I can’t believe Perry fell for the old fake handshake bit, but then again his character has become about as retarded as Rick Steiner after a lobotomy.) Winner: Perry Saturn and still champ Overall Rating: 65% Crowd Reaction: 59% Match Quality: 72% Let’s Get this Over Before the Two Lushes Pass Out Singles Match The Sandman vs Supreme: Uninspiring brawling from Supreme. Weak headbutt on Sandman by Supreme. Supreme hits a right hand on The Sandman. Supreme slams The Sandman down. Big John Studd would be proud, no doubt. Supreme gets taken down out of nowhere. The Sandman strikes Supreme. Sandman hits a stump piledriver on Supreme. There's a two count on the pin. Supreme elbows The Sandman in the face to break a hammerlock. Supreme hits a bulldog off the ropes. Cover for a two count. Side suplex from Supreme. Pin, but Sandman is out just before the three count. Supreme only gets knees on a splash. Supreme takes a weak kick. Supreme pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Supreme strikes The Sandman. Supreme floors Sandman near the ropes and makes the pin. Supreme is using the ropes for leverage! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! The fight has started up again! The Sandman attacks Supreme, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting. Worth a ** rating, but no more than that. (Reads like a Marvel/Image crossover, doesn’t it? I should just create a whole stable of third string comic book heroes and then job them out to the Flaming Carrot. Now, that’s a gimmick.) Winner: Supreme Overall Rating: 62% Crowd Reaction: 65% Match Quality: 67% XPW World Title Cage Match of Old School Terry Funk vs Johnny Smith: Johnny Smith launches Funker into the cage wall. Vicious snap suplex! Terry Funk got whipped over hard. Terry Funk pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Lame kick from Funker. Johnny takes a vertical suplex. Terry Funk launches Johnny into the cage wall. Johnny takes a vertical suplex. Terry Funk and Johnny climb the cage....but both end up crashing back to the canvas after a struggle! Johnny reverses a Terry Funk hammerlock. Funker gets rocked with a brutal elbow to the jaw by Johnny. Johnny Smith nearly kills Funker with a released tiger suplex. Gut buster, Funker hits hard. Johnny Smith launches Funker into the cage wall. Terry Funk takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Terry Funk hits a right hand on Johnny Smith. Sloppy tornado punch from Terry Funk, Johnny barely got hit. Supreme runs down to ringside and throws a chair over the top to Johnny...but Funker catches it instead! Chair shot takes Johnny Smith down and out! Funker escapes the cage for the win. Johnny and Supreme tie Terry Funk up in the ropes, then start punching away at him until referees run down and break it up. Worth a ** rating, but no more than that. (Funk gets on the mic and bitches about how in his day you pinned the guy in the cage and the top was closed so Sid Vicious could powerbomb you into the roof and break your face, but you kept wrestling, because you’re a real man and no one ran out to attack you with a chair, they had a branding iron and a plastic bag, by gawd, and then they piledrive you through a table and you’d get up because you were a man and smack yourself in the head with a cookie sheet a dozen time for kicks and…) Winner: Terry Funk Overall Rating: 66% Crowd Reaction: 68% Match Quality: 64% Joey Styles asks The Drummer for Golden Earring if he knows “Free Falling” to close the show with, but we have to settle for “Paid Stationary.” Show Rating: 57% Attendance: 695 people who were fooled by us telling them that Wrestlemania was next week. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Mattyc Report post Posted January 6, 2003 Dude this Diary just keeps getting better and better. Its one of the best I have ever seen. Dont let it die Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Goodear Report post Posted January 7, 2003 Damn Frost what's wrong with you? Push THE FLOCKNEST MONSTER already to the top as a single! All people tune in to see his adventures at nesting and stuff. And you putting The Alter Boys over Politically Incorrect makes me cry. You should sign Messiah and chop his other thumb off. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest the 1inch punch Report post Posted January 7, 2003 When i first played Ewr i created a bad superhero stabele Thje Hurricane Super Shannon Kapatain (Evan) Karagias Super Nova The (Ron) Waterman etc etc Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Sandman9000 Report post Posted January 8, 2003 I'm so buying a bat and calling it the Gonad Whacker. You've actually made XPW entertaining. God help us all. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest WrestlingDeacon Report post Posted January 9, 2003 XPW Monday Nightmare for March, 31rst 2003 Live from a raw sewage treatment plant outside of Santa Barbara Hosts: Joey Styles and Terry Funk Terry Funk opens the show in the ring holding the XPW World Title (re: a worn, brown leather belt with a 1978 bull riding championship belt buckle that was picked up at a pawn shop for six bucks) that he won the night previous against Johnny Smith. Terry Funk is a former NWA World Heavyweight Champion, a former WCW Hardcore Champion, a former WWF Tag Team Champion (sort of), a former NWA US Champion, a former ECW World Champion and now he holds the XPW World belt. He’s had wars with the likes of Harley Race, Ricky Steamboat, Mick Foley, Ric Flair and now he’s feuding with the likes of Johnny Smith and the FlockNest Monster with GQ Money and the Sandman watching his back. “God, somebody get me a drink.” Segment Rating: 78% Intense Angry Black Man Opening Match of Intense Angriness Ahmed Johnson vs Salid Jihad: Ahmed Johnson hits some weak-looking punches. Jihad blocks a kick from Ahmed Johnson. Weak headbutt on Ahmed by Jihad. Salid Jihad misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee by mistake. Salid Jihad scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Pinfall attempt, but the ref is conveniently laid out. Ahmed Johnson pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Ahmed Johnson strikes Salid Jihad. Messed up bodyslam by Ahmed. Cover for a two count. Flapjack from Ahmed on Jihad. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Jihad drops out the back of a Ahmed Johnson bodyslam attempt. Jihad hits a stump piledriver on Ahmed Johnson, although it was quite weak in its execution. Pin, but Ahmed is out just before the three count. Ahmed reverses a Salid Jihad hammerlock. Raphael Muhammed comes running down the aisle with a chair! Jihad and Ahmed Johnson continue fighting, unaware of the intrusion. Raphael Muhammed slides in and prepares to swing the chair...but Ahmed Johnson moves! Muhammed accidentally blasts Jihad with a chair to the head! Ahmed Johnson throws Muhammed out of the ring! Ahmed Johnson moves in for the kill. Pearl River Plunge! 1....2....3. New Panthers are beating down on Ahmed Johnson! The music of Chris Chetti hits, and he comes running down the aisle into the ring. Jihad and Muhammed bail out of the ring, leaving Ahmed Johnson down in the ring. Chris Chetti may have saved Ahmed Johnson from a brutal beating. DUD, and a poor DUD at that. (Chetti sets up a sausage gravy IV to revive Ahmed. He comes around to appear fine and really desperate for some buttermilk biscuits. Chetti and Ahmed are jiving as a tag team for me, but when has chemistry ever meant a damn in the tag ranks recently.) Winner: Ahmed Johnson Overall Rating: 36% Crowd Reaction: 23% Match Quality: 50% Johnny Smith is backstage with Kriss Kloss. Lady Victoria is off soaking her naughty bits in steak sauce for a new product line and Coat Rack Steven Richards is being varnished. So…yeah…he has to talk for himself…Terry Funk…sucks…a big…cock…yeah…and…uh…eh…he wants a…rematch on…whatever day the XPW has a show next…because…because…well just because. Segment Rating: 52% GQ Money tracks Julio Dinero down trying to use the old Fonzie elbow trick on a Coke machine. GQ thought that Julio was going to beat the fried peanut butter and banana sandwich snot out of Honky Tonk Orton at Free Fall and give him a Deathmatch title shot. Julio tells him that he can’t give what he doesn’t have, but he’s more than happy to fight him on Wet Dream with the winner facing Orton. Money wants to know who gave him the power to book his own matches. Dinero tells him he’s been talking to Ahmed and it was all the rage in the WWF and WCW when he was there. GQ snaps his fingers and a pop comes out. Julio wants to thank him by singing a bit of “Cuts Like a Knife.” “That’s a Bryan Adams song jackass,” Money shakes his head and walks off. Julio pulls his soda out of the machine with a disgusted look and yells after him “this is a Diet Sprite, I can’t drink this cocksucker.” (Lot of cock sucking going on tonight, but we’re XPW and we like cocksucking…wait…that doesn’t sound right at all.) Segment Rating: 47% Two Lousy Matches, All This Show has is Two Lousy Matches XPW Tag Team Title Tussle Mexico's Most Wanted vs Alter Boys: Damien hits a back kick. Luke walks into a spinning heel kick, evidently feeling that the 'duck' tactic is over-rated. Damien face jams Alter Boy Luke. Tag between Alter Boy Luke and Alter Boy Matthew. Matthew hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Alter Boy Matthew gets taken down out of nowhere. Damien snapmares Alter Boy Matthew. Tag between Damien 666 and Halloween. Mexico's Most Wanted whip Matthew into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. Halloween, chanelling the power of Tatanka, hits a high kick on Alter Boy Matthew. Halloween face jams Alter Boy Matthew. Halloween tags out to Damien 666. Mexico's Most Wanted have Alter Boy Matthew to themselves. Double Brainbuster! 1....2....3! It's over. FN All Stars just hit the ring with chairs! Stereo chair shots put down Mexico's Most Wanted! Matthew tries to attack, but gets beaten to the floor with punches and kicks. Alter Boy Luke has a brief offensive flurry, but gets nailed with a boot to the gut...and hit with the Type Name Here! FN All Stars have laid everyone out! Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad. (The Alter Boys just main evented a show. My writers are having conniption fits. I’m not sure what a conniption is, but Ahmed tells me it’s like a collard green, yet not so much.) Winner: Mexico’s Most Wanted Overall Rating: 55% Crowd Reaction: 38% Match Quality: 72% Show Rating: 53% TV Rating: .15 Attendance: 162 sewer rats, who look better than our average ring rat Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest WrestlingDeacon Report post Posted January 14, 2003 XPW Wednesday Wet Dream for April 2nd 2003 Taped live from the Comcast Studios in Comcastlevania Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkle Major Gunns is in her bathroom stall office. She is very upset at people taking liberties with their own booking on Monday Nightmare and not giving a courtesy flush. So, tonight, Terry Funk will have his first World Title defense against Supreme and Johnny Smith will fight The Sandman. GQ Money and Julio Dinero will still have their match, but now it will be a triple threat hardcore match with Honky Tonk Orton for the Deathmatch title. Let’s not have something like this happen in the future. This is the not the WWE (but we still believe in swerves) and she is not Stephanie McMahon. Her tits are real, thank you very much. The picture phases out suddenly as the cameraman pisses himself with laughter. Segment Rating: 65% Opening Match of Worthlessness So You Can Finish Dinner Webb vs El Mosca De La Merced: Webb hits a right hand. Fallaway slam by Webb. Cover for a two count. Webb misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Hard back suplex on Webb. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Kick from El Mosca De La Merced to the leg. El Mosca De La Merced hits a rolling kick on Webb. Webb powers out of a El Mosca De La Merced headlock. Full nelson slam on Mosca. El Mosca De La Merced is in trouble. Powerbomb! 1....2....3. DUD (I’m told Shit Angel here basically no sold everything and hurt the match rating. I haven’t had that problem with him before. So we talked and it turns out he has the Road Warriors on speed dial and since he was jobbing anyway he did some PCP before the show and you can draw the lines from there.) Winner: Webb Overall Rating: 40% Crowd Reaction: 37% Match Quality: 43% Doring is Still a Bitch About his Push, so Kill a Catholic and Feel Better Singles Match Danny Doring vs Alter Boy Luke: Doring hits a right hand. Danny Doring with a spinning neckbreaker on Luke. Danny Doring hits a bulldog off the ropes. Spear! Luke is down and hurt. Alter Boy Luke can barely stand. Wham Bam! 1....2....3. Webb has a chair. Doring turns and takes a brutal shot to the head. Luke is next to take a hard shot. Webb has demolished everyone! Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad. (Where the fuck did Webb come from. It’s just “Webb has a chair,” like he got beamed down from the Enterprise and appeared out of nowhere. T’Pol does have connections though. This match is a total squash and it gets 73% on the match quality? Then again, we all know that Alter Boy Luke has his own connections.) Winner: Danny Doring Overall Rating: 53% Crowd Reaction: 33% Match Quality: 73% Lady Victoria is in the back to talk for Johnny Smith. He hugs her tight and cries on her shoulder muttering, “never dip your vagina in steak sauce and leave me to interview alone ever again. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever.” Smith not receiving a rematch with Funk tonight infuriates both her and Coat Rack Steven Richards and repercussions will occur if he does not get it soon. The Flock-Nest has plenty of tennis rackets and knows how to use them. Segmenat Rating: 45% Kaos Drew the Short Straw in the Back Singles Match Kaos vs Ahmed Johnson: Dropkick connects, Ahmed goes down. Ahmed counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Kaos takes a weak kick. The referee bumps after catching a wild right hand and is down. Side suplex from Ahmed. Shades of Dino Bravo there, although even Dino could execute it better than Ahmed. Pinfall attempt, but the ref is conveniently laid out. Kaos ducks a wild right hand. Spin kick by Kaos to the face. Spinning bulldog in the corner, Ahmed is down. Hooks the leg for a two count. DDT from the top rope by Kaos. That looked brutal. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Ahmed counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Ahmed Johnson DDTs Kaos, poorly executed. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Kaos blocks a punch. Ahmed scores with a forearm, sending Kaos down into the corner. The referee pulls Ahmed Johnson away to get the break. Wait! Kaos has pulled something out of his tights. Ahmed Johnson walks over...and gets floored by the GONAD WHACKER! 1....2....3! The referee never saw the baseball bat! Ahmed Johnson offers a handshake to Kaos...but he spits at Ahmed Johnson and walks off! Rating: 1\2 star. (The Gonad Whacker returns by popular demand for Sandman 9000, but how Kaos fit it in his pants I don’t want to conjecture on. Kaos refused the handshake, because he thought Ahmed was going to eat his hand. This is too damn easy; it’s like shooting fish in a barrel…that Ahmed would then eat.) Winner: Kaos Overall Rating: 47% Crowd Reaction: 40% Match Quality: 54% GQ Money finds Julio Dinero in the back and wants to know what’s up with their match. He thought Ahmed said it was cool to book your own stuff. Julio points out that Johnson now works for XPW, so maybe they shouldn’t listen to him on how to get ahead in the wrestling world. Money nods his head and says, “True that.” Dinero wants to bury the hatchet and unite tonight against Orton as the Money Men have to stick together. Money is leery, but agrees to sing a few bars of “If I Could Walk on Water.” Orton then pokes his head in and tries to harmonize on “Do the Clam.” GQ and Julio shoot him a look and chase him off camera like a Marx Brothers bit. Segment Rating: 46% Singles Match That we Already Did for No Reason Last Month The Sandman vs Johnny Smith: Weak slam from Sandman. The Sandman hits a bulldog off the ropes. There's a two count on the pin. Johnny ducks a wild right hand. Back suplex on Sandman, which is a backdrop to you NOAH fans. Gut buster, Sandman hits hard. There's a two count on the pin. Devastating Tiger Driver 91 very nearly crushes the neck of Sandman. Misawa is probably laughing with glee at the moment. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Sandman tastes a high angle back suplex. It probably tasted like chicken. The Sandman fights out of a grapple. The Sandman hits a sloppy bulldog off the ropes. There's a two count on the pin. The Sandman scores with a weakly-hit standing spinebuster. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Weak slam from Sandman. Uninspiring brawling from The Sandman. Johnny counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Hard impact russian legsweep by Johnny. If you're going to get impact, 'hard' is probably a good way to go. Burning Hammer Drop from Johnny Smith, executed with perfect brutally. Johnny Smith gets whipped into the corner. Sandman charges in, but into a pair of raised boots. Johnny uses a roll up, with feet on the second rope! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! The fight has started up again! The Sandman attacks Johnny, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting. ** rating for this one. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling. (What does Misawa have against The Sandman? I can see him standing with his hands on his hips laughing and saying “I chortle at your near death,” very badly dubbed like in a Kung Fu movie. Also, tell Scott Keith that The Sandman does everything weakly. I mean, have you ever got into a fight with a drunk guy? It’s all wild punches with no power and he messes up anything complex he tries. Sandy is just living the gimmick.) Winner: Johnny Smith Overall Rating: 63% Crowd Reaction: 59% Match Quality: 68% T’Pol is with Terry Funk and The Sandman in the back. Sandman may have lost the battle against Smith tonight, but both he and Funk will win the war against their foes. Sandman and Funk argue behind her back on whether the match was so much a war as it was a ‘skirmish’ or possibly even a ‘police action.’ Terry Funk then realizes that The Sandman was just seen brawling out in the arena and he’s not even sweaty or tired from his match. T’Pol reminds Terry that they are taping this interview before the match, but pretending likes it’s after. “So, like now is in the past and the past of his match is in the future. Wow, man, heavy, I’ve got to go see if GQ has any pot left.” Segment Rating: 64% Hardcore Death Match of Hardcore Death for the XPW Deathmatch Title Honky Tonk Orton vs Julio Dinero vs GQ Money: GQ hits an arm drag on Orton. GQ takes down Julio Dinero in a positively thrilling moment. Orton counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Orton chair shots GQ Money. Flying cross body off the top rope! I'll give a 0.8 on the Steamboat scale for that effort. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. GQ flattens Julio Dinero. Dinero kicks GQ Money in the gut to reverse the momentum. Orton \ Dinero hook up GQ, then hit a double suplex. Death valley driver by Honky Tonk Orton, GQ Money got planted. Dinero hits a face jam on Honky Tonk Orton onto a chair. Honky Tonk Orton reverses a hip toss. Big backdrop on GQ, executed well. Honky Tonk Orton moves in for the kill. Shake, Rattle and Orton! 1....2....3. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating. (A hardcore death match and only a chair gets involved? I hate to do it, but I think I have to bring the Rottens in to teach these cats how to do it right. Is there a place I can get some good cheese graters around here?) Overall Rating: 57% Crowd Reaction: 48% Match Quality: 67% Terry Funk is shown walking to the ring holding a cookie sheet while various staff members wish him good luck. “Have a great match, Terry.” “Thanks.” SMACK “Good luck, Terry.” “Thanks, Mark.” SMACK “You’ll kill Supreme no problem.” “I appreciate your confidence in me.” SMACK (Makes you wonder how he greets people he hates.) Segment Rating: 77% XPW World Title Match of Supreme Funk Special Guest Referee: Bootsy Collins Terry Funk vs Supreme: Funker takes a vertical suplex. Supreme DDTs Funker, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. Hooks the leg for a two count. Funker reverses a Supreme hammerlock. Weak headbutt on Supreme by Funker. Big kick from Funker. There's a two count on the pin. Sloppy tornado punch from Terry Funk, Supreme barely got hit. Pin, but Supreme is out just before the three count. Big kick from Funker. Supreme blocks a kick from Terry Funk. Supreme hits a stump piledriver on Terry Funk, although it was quite weak in its execution. There's a two count on the pin. Supreme scores with a poor standing spinebuster. Pin, but Funker is out just before the three count. Weak bodyslam on Funker by Supreme. Supreme hits a right hand on Terry Funk. Funker counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Weak bodyslam on Supreme by Funker. Terry Funk turns Supreme inside-out with a clothesline. Terry Funk moves in for the kill. DDT!!! That shook the ring. Johnny Smith slides into the ring out of nowhere! Funker takes a stiff punch to the face and falls to the canvas. The referee calls for the DQ as Johnny Smith continues to attack Funker. Supreme and Johnny are putting the boots to Terry Funk! The Sandman comes running down the aisle with a chair! He slides in, sending Supreme \ Johnny running for cover. The Sandman saved Funker from a major beating. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating. (Bootsy then calls for the Mother Ship to come down and smoke all their jive turkey asses.) Winner: Terry Funk Overall Rating: 60% Crowd Reaction: 59% Match Quality: 61% Show Rating: 56% TV Rating: .56 Attendance: 168 atomic dogs Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Sandman9000 Report post Posted January 14, 2003 Thanks for brining back the Gonad Whacker. I wish I could have actually laughed at it. Do me another favor: sign Justice Pain, whatever it costs, and job him out to everyone. humiliate him at every turn. fuck him over as much as possible. fuck Justice Pain. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Goodear Report post Posted January 14, 2003 Sign Justice Pain and then change his name to Justice Credible and have him wear a jockstrap on his head and talk in a Spanish Accent. Then job him to the greatest stable ever... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Edwin MacPhisto Report post Posted January 14, 2003 Shake, Rattle, and Orton is devastating. Also, I think Orton would be doing even better in the WWE if he had this gimmick. I'm also kind of disturbed at how successful your cards are turning out. Multiple acceptable matches in one show? By god, it's working... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest snuffbox Report post Posted January 14, 2003 This is XPW diary is far and away more entertaining than wwe Raw!! Keep this shit up! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest WrestlingDeacon Report post Posted January 15, 2003 Justice Pain is under contract with WLW and will not talk to me. I'm XPW, people steal from me. I don't steal from others. Edwin, I am trying to book logically, so that helps. It's not like I'm pushing the Miserly Jew to the main event and jobbing Funk out to Major Gunns and stuff. My PI is up to 41%, but I've lost money for the past couple months. I've trimmed my advertising and merchandising costs, so I look to be in the pink next month. I actually think that a humorous insider type federation such as this would work on some level if they could get the proper outlets to the diehard smarks. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest WrestlingDeacon Report post Posted January 15, 2003 XPW Monday Nightmare for April 7th 2003 Live from Chinatown (and there’s nothing you can do about it) Hosts: Joey Styles and Terry Funk Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti vs Alter Boy Matthew: Chetti crushes Matthew with a big legdrop. Alter Boy Matthew can barely stand. Chetti-Plex!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! I'll give it a * rating for not being too bad. (Another Alter Boy gets crushed and still puts on a good match. Damn, maybe that praying shit does work.) Winner: Chris Chetti Overall Rating: 55% Crowd Reaction: 39% Match Quality: 72% Julio Dinero finds GQ Money in his locker room. Dinero is eating several sticks of Dentyne and drinking Listerine like he was the Sandman with rubbing alcohol. He has just come from performing oral sex on Major Gunns to secure a match between he and GQ tonight. Money is impressed with Dinero’s determination in getting the match he promised between them to go down by going down. “Dude, there was so much bush, I thought Crocodile Dundee was going to walk out of the shit.” Segment Rating: 48% XPW Tag Team Title Match with Mega-Jobber Opponents Mexico's Most Wanted vs Karagias \ Adnon: Halloween, chanelling the power of Takada, hits a high kick on Adnon El Big Kahuna. Tag between Adnon El Big Kahuna and Evan Karagias. Halloween hits a flying kick on Karagias. Tag to Damien 666. Damien, chanelling the power of Takada, hits a high kick on Evan Karagias. Tag between Evan Karagias and Adnon El Big Kahuna. Damien, chanelling the power of Tatanka, hits a high kick on Adnon El Big Kahuna. Diving headbutt from Damien, not much elevation. Evan Karagias scoops up Damien for a slam, then turns....but Adnon El Big Kahuna accidentally gets hit in the face with the raised legs of Damien, and it's a Survivor Series 5 flashback moment. Damien 666 has Adnon El Big Kahuna down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Moonsault!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. Karagias and Adnon remain in the ring. Adnon El Big Kahuna does not look happy at losing. Evan Karagias goes to leave, but gets pulled back in by Adnon. Tensions seem to be rising between these two. I'll give it a * rating for not being too bad. (Can you smell the coming feud between Evan Karagias vs. Superman’s Love Child? It would be like a license to print money, and I don’t meant Eddie. Come to think of it “Superman’s Love Child Adnon El Big Kahuna” is not a bad gimmick. If Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti didn’t already have a partner it would be golden.) Winner: Mexico’s Most Wanted Overall Rating: 53% Crowd Reaction: 43% Match Quality: 64% Lady Victoria is stalking through the back looking for Major Gunns to protest a title rematch for Johnny Smith. She runs into T’Pol with several bottles of bleach for Gunns. Apparently Dinero has a tongue like 20 grit sandpaper and breath like musty floor mats. Lady Victoria doesn’t really need that image in her head, so just give the Major a message for her. Vic then sucker punches T’Pol and the two women brawl down the corridor. Joey Styles tries to scream “CATFIGHT!” and “PUPPIES!” like he’s Jerry Lawler, but frankly his heart isn’t in it. Terry Funk clocks him with a cookie sheet to keep him in line. Segment Rating 61% Not so Grudgey of a Grudge Match that Wants You to Do Just Like Ronnie Said Julio Dinero vs GQ Money: Dinero hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. GQ Money elbows Julio Dinero in the face to break a hammerlock. GQ Money strikes Julio Dinero. GQ Money misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee by mistake. Sloppy tornado punch from GQ Money, Dinero barely got hit. Hooks the leg, but the referee is still out. Julio Dinero fights out of a grapple. GQ takes a flying neckbreaker from Julio Dinero. Lightning kick by Dinero on GQ. There's a two count on the pin. Tornado DDT from Julio Dinero, GQ got planted. Hooks the leg for a close fall. GQ drops out the back of a Julio Dinero bodyslam attempt. GQ Money hits a shaky delayed suplex on Dinero. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Dinero ducks a wild right hand. Honky Tonk Orton just slid into the ring out of nowhere! Orton has a chair, and drops Dinero and GQ with devastating blows, causing the referee to call for the bell. This match has been ruled a no contest! We have a three-way stand off in the ring, as Julio Dinero, GQ Money and Honky Tonk Orton look at each other. They all charge forward, and a three-way brawl erupts in the ring! Security and a pile of referees hit the ring to stop the carnage. This one gets * rating and likes it. (I promise that this match ends my Eddie Money references that no one was probably getting anyway. And if you were, I bet you weren’t laughing. What’s with the ref bump here? It serves no purpose. Unless the game is aware that GQ Money is bad and sloppy and he hit the referee on accident. I somehow activated the “GQ Money almost kills somebody” file. Damn, I’ve got Ahmed Johnson on the roster too. Better buy some funeral plots.) Winner: Playing Russian Roulette with an Empty Gun Overall Rating: 52% Crowd Reaction: 41% Match Quality: 63% Show Rating: 53% TV Rating: .15 Attendance: 168 sisters (slap) daughters (slap) sisters (slap) daughters (slap) ok, ok sisters and daughters Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest WrestlingDeacon Report post Posted January 16, 2003 XPW Wednesday Wet Dream for April 9th 2003 Taped Live from the Comcast Studios in Comcastlevania Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel Before the show starts, Major Gunns confronts Lady Victoria. After T’Pol delivered her bleach on Monday – and her vagina is shaved and smooth like Kojack’s head, thank you very much – she kicked her ass, because Lady Victoria told her too. Those vulcans, you know how literal they take everything. Victoria whispers, “they’re a little slow.” Gunns whops Victoria upside her head with one of her breasts and Vickie returns in kind. They then brawl down the hall, smacking each other with their massive hooters. It pretty much looks like a ‘gotcha last fight’ off of Pinwheel…just with their boobs. Segment Rating: 57% My Writers Tell me I Should Push Damien to Appeal to All the Satan Worshipers Singles Match Damien 666 vs Adnon El Big Kahuna: Damien snapmares Adnon El Big Kahuna. Damien hits an arm drag on Adnon. Badly executed second rope splash by Damien. Flying knee to the face from Damien 666. Is it Mutoh Appreciation Night? Evan Karagias comes running down the aisle with a chair! Damien and Adnon El Big Kahuna continue fighting, unaware of the intrusion. Evan Karagias slides in and blasts Adnon El Big Kahuna with a chair to the head! Karagias climbs out of the ring, the damage done! Damien 666 floors Adnon El Big Kahuna...and climbs the turnbuckles. Moonsault!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. Evan Karagias has a chair. Adnon El Big Kahuna stands up...and gets floored by a shot to the head. Another two shots smack down across his back, leaving him unmoving on the canvas. Karagias sets the chair up, then picks up Adnon El Big Kahuna. He gets whipped into the ropes...and then drop toe holded, sending him face first into the chair! Evan Karagias has left Adnon down and bloodied in the ring after a brutal assault! I'll give a 1\2 star rating. (I so have to have an eight-man tag with Mexico’s Most Wanted and the Alter Boys partnered up. I want the Pope to write me nasty letters. Notice how the beating lasted longer than the actual match. That’s Nitro level booking there, brother.) Winner: Damien 666 Overall Rating: 47% Crowd Reaction: 34% Match Quality: 60% I’ve Got These Tag Teams, I Guess I Should Use Them Tag Match Politically Incorrect vs FN All Stars: Irishman strikes away at FlockNest Monster. The Drunk Irishman with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Nesty. There's a two count on the pin. Nesty blocks a punch. FlockNest Monster scores with a back heel kick on Irishman. Spinning bulldog in the corner, Irishman is down. Tag to American Wild Child. Wild Child hits a flying kick on Irishman. Irishman reverses a waistlock. Tag between The Drunk Irishman and The Miserly Jew. Politically Incorrect whip Wild Child into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. Running clothesline from The Miserly Jew, sloppily done. Hooks the leg for a two count. Wild Child takes a quick lariat. Tag to The Drunk Irishman. Flapjack from Irishman on Wild Child. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. American Wild Child comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Tag between American Wild Child and FlockNest Monster. Flying elbow from FlockNest Monster. Lady Victoria has climbed up onto the apron! Irishman turns...and falls for the distraction! FlockNest Monster attacks Irishman from behind! FlockNest Monster has The Drunk Irishman down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Off the top - Moonsault, forget about it. 1....2...3! Yuck. DUD. (Two matches in a row ended with a moonsault. It’s the new DDT! We should have a moonsault battle royale…and then let Ahmed Johnson pin everybody with it. Ahmed doing a moonsault would give Clive Barker nightmares.) Winner: Flock-Nest All Stars Overall Rating: 42% Crowd Reaction: 26% Match Quality: 58% Julio Dinero and GQ Money have reconciled since being jumped by Orton on Monday. They are hanging out in the back drinking T’Pol’s Breat Flavored Tea and trying to guess her bra size. “34 C…*sip*…no, 36C.” The New Panthers walk by and scold GQ Money for hanging out with a Hispanic (I think he’s a Hispanic, we’re just say he is, screw it, WE’RE XPW!). He needs to be hanging with the brothers. Well, GQ tells them that money is thicker than blood (that works on so many level, we’re deep and thoughtful, WE’RE XPW!) and that he and Dinero will see them out in the ring…NEXT! They do a freeze frame, but the cameraman forgets to fade and they just stand there until Salid sneezes and everyone just says “fuck it” and walks off. Segment Rating: 37% Just One More Eddie Money Reference I Swear Tag Match Two Tickets to Paradise vs New Panthers: Dinero crushes Muhammed with a big legdrop. Muhammed tags out to Salid Jihad. Driven DDT by Julio Dinero. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Tag between Julio Dinero and GQ Money. GQ Money hits a crap missile dropkick on Jihad. Tag between Salid Jihad and Raphael Muhammed. Sloppy short range spear from GQ Money. Face-first suplex from GQ, but not done very well. GQ Money moves in for the kill. Neckbreaker Drop! 1....2....3. Honky Tonk Orton just came out of nowhere with a chair! Julio Dinero turns...and gets planted with a big shot to the head! GQ Money runs over...but also gets dropped with a vicious chair shot! Honky Tonk Orton has put Dinero \ GQ down by himself! I'll give a 1\2 star rating. (The New Panthers were going to help out on the beatdown, but they did not want to be associated with a guy named “Honky.”) Winner: Julio Dinero and GQ Money Overall Rating: 48% Crowd Reaction: 33% Match Quality: 64% Ahmed Johnson is going to town on a barbecued cow carcass in the back when a man with a stack of twelve pizzas shows up. Ahmed doesn’t remember ordering any, “but the damn calendar must be wrong, ‘cause it sure as hell smells like Christmas.” The pizza man opens the top box to pull out a round bench press weight and smacks Johnson with it! It’s Johnny Smith, who would be a pizza man if he weren’t wrestling anyway. Smith beats Ahmed with the weight until Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti shows up and scares him off with a microphone asking him to promo. Ahmed asks what hit him, because it’s been forever since he’s seen any weights. (Both Chetti and Smith lost overness from this segment. Johnson is just a black hole of suck. My masochistic tendencies are piqued by this, since I can just base the whole promotion around him and tank the whole shebang within two weeks if need be.) Segment Rating: 34% Instant Gratification Singles Match Ahmed Johnson vs Johnny Smith: Incredibly weak powerslam on Johnny by Ahmed. Ahmed Johnson hits a sloppy bulldog off the ropes. There's a two count on the pin. Ahmed Johnson misses a clothesline. Ahmed takes a back suplex. Gut buster, Ahmed hits hard. There's a two count on the pin. Belly to back suicideplex, Ahmed got folded up big time. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Johnny Smith snap suplexes Ahmed...with authority! ('With authority', trademark G.Monsoon 1986.) Johnny walks into a trip. Messed up bodyslam by Ahmed. There's a two count on the pin. Sloppy tornado punch from Ahmed Johnson, Johnny barely got hit. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Incredibly weak powerslam on Johnny by Ahmed. Ahmed Johnson hits a weak punch on Johnny Smith. Johnny kicks Ahmed Johnson in the gut to reverse the momentum. Big dropkick by Johnny Smith, who got good elevation. Back suplex off the top rope, Ahmed landed hard. Ahmed scores with a forearm, sending Johnny down into the corner. The referee pulls Ahmed Johnson away to get the break. Wait! Johnny has pulled something out of his tights. Ahmed Johnson walks over...and gets floored by a punch! 1....2....3! The referee never saw the brass knuckles! I don't think the fight has finished. Ahmed Johnson and Johnny have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. This one gets * rating and likes it. (Johnny then reaches back into his trunks for a salami and tosses it at Ahmed to distract him to make an escape. Think about “Johnny gives Ahmed his salami” for too long and you’ll go blind.) Winner: Johnny Smith Overall Rating: 51% Crowd Reaction: 42% Match Quality: 60% Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti races out for the save, but he was busy pranking his cousin by ordering him twenty large pizzas thanks to Johnny Smith’s ploy, and missed his cue. Fine, he challenges Johnny Smith to a cage match this Monday on Nightmare. The crowd moans, because only like eight people actually get Nightmare on t.v. to watch it. Chetti attempts to take the salami from Ahmed, but he growls like a lion and almost bites his head off. Literally. Segment Rating: 55% We have a TV Title, but it Hasn’t Been Defended on TV in Weeks XPW Television Title Match Perry Saturn vs Supreme: Perry Saturn takes a right hand to the temple from Supreme. Weak bodyslam by Supreme. Hooks the leg for a two count. Supreme drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Stiff chop lights up Supreme. Back elbow connects, Supreme staggers backward. Cover for a two count. Tiger suplex on Supreme, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Back elbow connects, Supreme staggers backward. Supreme elbows Perry Saturn in the face to break a hammerlock. Supreme DDTs Saturn, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. Cover for a two count. Sloppy tornado punch from Supreme, Saturn barely got hit. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Weak bodyslam on Saturn by Supreme. Supreme strikes away at Perry Saturn. Perry Saturn pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Fallaway slam by Perry Saturn. Vicious kick to the teeth from Perry Saturn. The Sandman comes running down the aisle and into the ring! Supreme turns around.... DDT!!! That shook the ring. Sandman leaves the ring, the damage done! Cover gets three. Perry Saturn pinned Supreme. Supreme has a temper tantrum, kicking the ropes and punching the turnbuckles. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating. (Ever see Christopher Lloyd do his impression of a sprinkler on Taxi? That’s pretty much what Supreme’s temper tantrum looked like, just with him bellowing “Supreme!” over and over again. Since I have all these bad wrestlers I should put all my good workrate guys together. Well, that would only be two guys, but still…) Winner: Perry Saturn Overall Rating: 59% Crowd Reaction: 53% Match Quality: 66% T’Pol and Terry Funk are in the back to hype his upcoming title match with Kaos. Yeah, not much they can hype really. Kaos…he’s kind of over…not really…well…we hate the Flock-Nest…shit he’s not in that…umm…he’s feuding with Saturn, but we try to stay away from him, he smells funny…so…yeah…match coming next. Segment Rating: 65% Hardcore Match to Make it Seem Interesting for the XPW World Title Terry Funk vs Kaos: Kaos takes a right hand to the temple from Funker. Kaos ducks a clothesline attempt. Kaos strikes Funker. Terry Funk charges, Kaos moves, and the referee is conveniently placed to get knocked out. Funker walks into a face crusher variation. Pinfall attempt, but the ref is conveniently laid out. Terry Funk avoids a Kaos avalanche. Terry Funk smashes a Playstation console over the head of Kaos. Powerslam from Terry Funk on Kaos. Hooks the leg for a two count. Funker DDTs Kaos. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Kaos powers out of a headlock. Face slam on the table by Kaos. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Terry Funk takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Terry Funk has Kaos down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Through the air, Moonsault! 1....2....3. Johnny Smith comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Funker gets floored...Leglock Submission! It's locked on tight! Terry Funk has been left down on the canvas. I'm going to give this a ** rating because i'm in a generous mood. (So Terry Funk usually finishes with a DDT, but I use a joke about the moonsault being the new DDT and he finishes with the moonsault, considering he’s 105 years old with more plastic parts than a Barbie doll. I think I’m playing the game and it’s playing me.) Winner: Terry Funk Overall Rating: 61% Crowd Reaction: 56% Match Quality: 66% Show Rating: 51% TV Rating: .56 Attendance: 163 (163 what’s is up to your imagination) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest WrestlingDeacon Report post Posted January 18, 2003 XPW Monday Nightmare for April 14th 2003 Live from a garbage scowl in San Francisco Bay Hosts: Joey Styles and Terry Funk The Skirmish to See Who’s Squirmiest Adnon El Big Kahuna vs Evan Karagias : Evan Karagias uses a running dropkick into the corner. Diving headbutt from Karagias, not much elevation. Diving headbutt from Karagias, not much elevation. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Adnon takes a chop from Karagias. Cover for a two count. Evan Karagias misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Adnon El Big Kahuna snap suplexes Karagias...with authority! ('With authority', trademark G.Monsoon 1986.) Adnon El Big Kahuna hits a shaky delayed suplex on Karagias. Evan Karagias takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Evan Karagias uses a running dropkick into the corner. Evan Karagias floors Adnon El Big Kahuna...and climbs the turnbuckles. Through the air, Flying Press! 1....2....3. DUD, and a poor DUD at that. (Repeating a bad headbutt will probably give you a DUD every time. And look at the crowd reaction. You’d think they were watching a taping of Family Feud back when Louie Anderson was hosting. I might as well hold the damn show in a morgue. I’ll book Al Wilson vs. Katie Vick in a bra and panties match. Actually I shouldn’t give the WWE any ideas.) Winner: Evan Kariagas Overall Rating: 37% Crowd Reaction: 8% Match Quality: 66% “Yo, I’m Ahmed Johnson. Normally, I’m not much of a wussy ass tea drinker. I prefer a drink with a little more body to it, like chicken gravy or maple syrup. However, T’Pol’s Breast Flavored tea just happens to contain my favorite part of the body, the breast! Although thighs, legs and wings are good too. Hell, soak the gizzards in butter and fry them up in lard and that’s good eatin’ too. Anyway, drink this tea or I’ll come to your house and eat your babies.” Segment Rating: 56% The Battle to Eat Some Cattle Ahmed Johnson vs American Wild Child : Ahmed walks into a spinning heel kick, evidently feeling that the 'duck' tactic is over-rated. American Wild Child uses a running dropkick into the corner. There's a two count on the pin. Ahmed counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Ahmed Johnson strikes American Wild Child. Ahmed Johnson punches away at American Wild Child. There's a two count on the pin. Ahmed Johnson scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Wild Child takes a weak clothesline. American Wild Child takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Back heel kick from Wild Child on Ahmed, missed by miles. Hooks the leg for a two count. Wild Child face jams Ahmed Johnson. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Ahmed Johnson takes a knee lift from Wild Child. Kick from American Wild Child to the leg. Wild Child only gets knees on a splash. Weak slam from Ahmed. Ahmed Johnson scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. American Wild Child is in trouble. Pearl River Plunge! FlockNest Monster quickly comes running down the aisle and into the ring! Ahmed Johnson turns around....and gets floored! FlockNest Monster climbs the turnbuckles. Off the top - Moonsault!!! The referee calls for the DQ because of the interference of Nesty! Wild Child and Nesty beat away on Ahmed Johnson, leaving him spread-eagled on the canvas. Slap a DUD on it, move on. (Repeating a crappy spinebuster will probably give you a DUD every time. It’s déjà vu all over again. Maybe I can go for the hat trick with my next match and start booking RAW Anniversary Specials. I think I’ll start my own awards called the Clammies and it’s a bronzed version of Major Gunn’s bearded clam.) Winner: Ahmed Johnson Overall Rating: 41% Crowd Reaction: 34% Match Quality: 49% Major Gunns is taking care of some paperwork in her bathroom stall office (get it? “Paperwork” in the bathroom. Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!), when Lady Victoria and the Flock-Nest barge in. Despite the logistical nightmare of cramming six people and a coat rack into a bathroom stall, Victoria demands that Smith is given a title rematch with Terry Funk this coming Wednesday. It ain’t happening sister. Victoria leaves the boys to kick Gunns’ ass and giver her a swirlie while she goes off to polish Coat Rack Steven Richards. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrower! Segment Rating: 57% The Main Event to Make you Celebrate Lint Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti vs Johnny Smith: Chris Chetti launches Johnny into the cage wall. Johnny takes a hurrancarana from Chris Chetti. Chetti only gets knees on a splash. Belly to belly suplex by Johnny. Chetti gets caught with a short powerbomb from Johnny. Johnny Smith throws Chetti into the cage. Big dropkick by Johnny Smith, who got good elevation. Johnny Smith and Chetti climb the cage....but both end up crashing back to the canvas after a struggle! Chetti backdrops Johnny Smith out of a piledriver attempt. Flying reverse elbow by Chris Chetti. Tiger suplex on Johnny, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Chetti hits a dropkick on Johnny Smith. Chris Chetti drives Johnny into the cage side. Johnny reverses a Chris Chetti hammerlock. Johnny Smith snap suplexes Chetti...with authority! ('With authority', trademark G.Monsoon 1986.) Back suplex off the top rope, Chetti landed hard. Springboard dropkick from Chris Chetti. Nicely done. Chris Chetti goes to leave the cage by the door...but Lady Victoria appears at ringside and slams the door on his head! Johnny takes the opportunity, and climbs out the door for the win! Johnny \ Lady are beating down on Chris Chetti! The music of Terry Funk hits, and he comes running down the aisle into the ring. Johnny and Lady bail out of the ring, leaving Chris Chetti down in the ring. Terry Funk may have saved Chris Chetti from a brutal beating. ** rating for this one. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling. (Damn, I was going down in flames and someone pissed on the fire. Which is usually the Sandman’s job. READER INTERACTION TIME: Johnny Smith has lost overness and I need to get it back. He’s not very charismatic, but he’s a hell of a worker and his manager Lady Victoria, is charismatic and a good talker. Suggestions on getting him over?) Winner: Johnny Smith Overall Rating: 64% Crowd Reaction: 53% Match Quality: 76% Show Rating: 53% TV Rating: .15 Attendance: 165 denizens of the Great Trash Heap Sophie (I’m doing her by the way) tells me that we are neck in neck with the NWA show in the same time slot. God must they suck. It must be their WCW Worldwide type show. Considering I’m already achieving my max ratings (.15, I could anchor UPN) I’m not sure what to do. Maybe release all those pictures I have of Jeff Jarrett giving blow jobs to everyone he stole from me. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest chirs3 Report post Posted January 18, 2003 “Yo, I’m Ahmed Johnson. Normally, I’m not much of a wussy ass tea drinker. I prefer a drink with a little more body to it, like chicken gravy or maple syrup. However, T’Pol’s Breast Flavored tea just happens to contain my favorite part of the body, the breast! Although thighs, legs and wings are good too. Hell, soak the gizzards in butter and fry them up in lard and that’s good eatin’ too. Anyway, drink this tea or I’ll come to your house and eat your babies.” Segment Rating: 56% So wait... Ahmed = G0R0!11!!!1!11!!? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Edwin MacPhisto Report post Posted January 18, 2003 Attendance: 168 sisters (slap) daughters (slap) sisters (slap) daughters (slap) ok, ok sisters and daughters Ahahaha. I think what Johnny Smith needs is just a few good wins. You might want to put him in a short feud with Saturn, one of the other "good" workers on your roster. Whenever I used him, I'd just let him do his wrestling thing and hope for the best. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest WrestlingDeacon Report post Posted January 19, 2003 XPW Wednesday Wet Dream for April 16th 2003 Taped Live from the Comcast Studios in Comcastlevania Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel Major Gunns walks into the Flock-Nest locker room. She is wearing a dress with holes cut out for her breasts, which are heavily taped. The beating the Flock-Nest gave her on Monday, bruised her mummeries and injured her to the point where she cannot engage in anal sex. Cut to the San Diego Chargers throwing their helmets and muttering, “Ah, man, what are we supposed to do this weekend?” Gunns wants Johnny Smith, Supreme, Lady Victoria and Coat Rack Steven Richards out of the building…RIGHT NOW! American Wildchild and the Flocknest Monster get to stay as they have a tag title triple threat match later tonight with Mexico’s Most Wanted and Two Tickets to Paradise. Plus, they are kind of cute and so muscular…ooo, her breasts start aching and she takes off. Lady Victoria tells the boys that Coat Rack Steven Richards thinks it’s best that they just leave and regroup for Monday. However, Smith needs to take care of something before they leave. FlockNest Monster: “Dude, didn’t you just take a dump?” Segment Rating: 62% Screw your Religious Freedom Opening Singles Match Webb vs The Miserly Jew: Webb hits a right hand. MJ takes a headbutt from Webb. Webb fires off some right and left hands. There's a two count on the pin. Fallaway slam by Webb. There's a two count on the pin. MJ blocks a kick from Webb. The Miserly Jew snap suplexes Webb. Hooks the leg for a two count. Gutwrench into a powerbomb, Webb hits hard. The Miserly Jew misses a clothesline. Massive lariat, apparently Webb has been watching The Best Of Stan Hansen again. Webb floors MJ near the ropes and makes the pin. Webb is using the ropes for leverage! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! Slap a DUD on it, move on. (Post match the Drunken Irishman attempts to run out for the save, but it’s fifty-cent Pabst Blue Ribbon night in the stands and he doesn’t quite make it. I’m told the Miserly Jew is Fyvush Finkel’s favorite wrestler. Just don’t ask me who told me that.) Winner: Webb Overall Rating: 45% Crowd Reaction: 36% Match Quality: 55% Johnny Smith finds Terry Funk flipping through a catalogue of designer cookie sheets. Smith tells Funk he doesn’t have time, because Major Gunns is throwing him out of the building, so stand up so he can kick his ass. Funk tells him that in his day, women didn’t throw men out of buildings, they baked muffins and smoked cigarettes while pregnant. And when you got kicked out of the building you put on a clever disguise like the Yellow Dog or the Midnight Rider and snuck back in. And you didn’t have a lame name like Johnny Smith, maybe you were Boogie Woogie Man Johnny Smith or Captain Redneck Johnny Smith, but not just Johnny Smith. And…Smith sighs and punts Funk in the gonads before fleeing like Cher from the effects of age. Segment Rating: 59% Screw your Racial Equality Singles Match Danny Doring vs Salid Jihad: Jihad gets caught with a belly to belly suplex from Doring. Fallaway slam by Danny Doring. Tiger bomb by Danny Doring, although no mention is made of whether it originated in Pearl River. Danny Doring scores with a big spinebuster. Danny Doring moves in for the kill. Wham Bam! 1....2....3. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad. (Post match Raphael Muhammed attempts to run out for the save, but it’s fifty cent posters of Pam Grier night in the stands and he doesn’t quite make it. I’m told that Saild Jahid is no one’s favorite wrestler. Pretty much everybody has told me that.) Winner: Danny Doring Overall Rating: 52% Crowd Reaction: 38% Match Quality: 67% Johnny Smith, Supreme and Lady Victoria are shown loading their car to take off. Smith is anxious to get out of there before Funk recovers and whips him like he was Wahoo McDaniels in a cage match. At least this way they can get to the International House of Pancakes before Ahmed Johnson shows up and drinks all the pancake syrup mistaking it for coffee again. Lady Victoria: “I don’t think that was an accident.” Supreme: “Supreme!” Coat Rack Steven Richards: “……” (What do you expect, he’s a coat rack.) Segment Rating: 36% Webb catches up with Danny Doring post match while holding a ladder. Doring: “Hey, dude, what you doing with that ladder.” Webb: “We’re still feuding, remember? I thought I’d hit you with it.” Doring: “Duh, silly me. That’s cool, man.” Webb smashes Doring with the ladder and leaves him for dead. Well, not feeling peachy at least. Segment Rating: 54% Beating the Big Kahuna gets you an XPW Television Title Match, Who’d have Thunk it? Perry Saturn vs Evan Karagias: Karagias hits a spinning back kick. Badly executed second rope splash by Karagias. Hooks the leg for a two count. Saturn backdrops Evan Karagias out of a piledriver attempt. Perry Saturn fires off some right and left hands. Second rope flying axe handle, Karagias goes down. Hooks the leg for a two count. Lifting DDT by Perry Saturn, looked good. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Saturn uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Evan Karagias comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Badly executed second rope splash by Karagias. Hooks the leg for a two count. Evan Karagias with an enziguri. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Evan Karagias arm drags Saturn over. Saturn takes a chop from Karagias. Perry Saturn elbows Evan Karagias in the face to break a hammerlock. Saturn hits a dropkick on Evan Karagias. Brutal powerbomb on Karagias. Perry Saturn floors Evan Karagias. Evan Karagias gets locked in the Rings Of Saturn! Submission victory! Kaos comes running down the aisle with a chair! Perry Saturn is just leaving the ring...and Kaos scores with a brutal chair shot! Perry Saturn falls to the floor holding his head. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating. (I don’t know what Adam Bomb vs. Repo Man match Keith’s watching, but it reads like there were no blown spots. I only have so many good workers; so don’t bust their balls. Unless it’s part of an angle of course, as seen earlier. Then nail them and run.) Winner: Perry Saturn Overall Rating: 58% Crowd Reaction: 48% Match Quality: 69% Terry Funk is coping with his mashed testicles like a real man by watching John Wayne movies and eating a steak dropped on the floor. So, T’Pol goes to Major Gunns and informs her that Funk wants a match with Johnny Smith as soon as possible. She’ll have to sleep with it…er, on it. Gunns asks T’Pol if she would mind rubbing her aching breasts. No, but thank you anyway. Then Rob Black calls on the cell phone and informs the ladies that he needs a bonus tape for his XPornW franchise. Break out the coconut butter and stand back. Segment Rating: 68% Triple Threat XPW Tag Title Match of Bad Tag Team Names Two Tickets to Paradise vs Mexico's Most Wanted vs FN All Stars: Halloween hits an arm drag on Dinero. Halloween hits an arm drag on Dinero. Tag between Halloween and FlockNest Monster. FlockNest Monster hits a rolling kick on Dinero. Hooks the leg for a two count. Julio Dinero avoids a FlockNest Monster avalanche. Tag between Julio Dinero and GQ Money. GQ \ Dinero whip Nesty into the corner. GQ Money whips Julio Dinero in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Tag between FlockNest Monster and American Wild Child. GQ Money gets hip tossed by Wild Child. Back heel kick from Wild Child on GQ, missed by miles. Tag to Damien 666. Damien walks into a spinning heel kick, evidently feeling that the 'duck' tactic is over-rated. Damien 666 powers out of a American Wild Child headlock. Damien 666 floors American Wild Child...and climbs the turnbuckles. Top Legdrop!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating. (Halloween and Damien were only in the match for ten seconds apiece and pick up the win. They’re watching the Best of the Outsiders or something. My writers want me to push these guys? Ahmed Johnson might move like a Yak in a coma and blow everything on his way to nearly killing his opponent, but damn it he’s in there for longer than ten seconds! Sure he’s blown up after ten seconds, but he’s still in there. Ahmed’s not even on the show and I’m still ragging on his ass.) Winner: Mexico’s Most Wanted Overall Rating: 56% Crowd Reaction: 44% Match Quality: 68% Honky Tonk Orton gets in the ring and on the microphone. He’s tired of playing patty cake with Julio Dinero and GQ Money. Their ways are strange and new fangled, he’s just a simple cavema…er, Elvis rip off living on his father’s name. So why doesn’t some sorry son of a bitch come out from the back and challenge him. Did you say “sorry son of a bitch?” Cue the Sandman! Segment Rating: 66% Hardcore Deathmatch of Death for the XPW Deathmatch Title (being that the Sandman can’t really wrestle any other type of match) Honky Tonk Orton vs The Sandman: The Sandman smashes a Playstation console over the head of Orton. Big clothesline from Sandman. 'Big' because it missed by a big margin. Hooks the leg for a two count. Orton reverses a The Sandman hammerlock. Honky Tonk Orton fires off some right and left hands. Back elbow connects, Sandman staggers backward. Hooks the leg for a two count. Honky Tonk Orton uses a big bag of popcorn to floor Sandman. Pin, but Sandman is out just before the three count. Orton slams The Sandman down. Sandman reverses a waistlock. The Sandman hits a bulldog off the ropes. Cover for a two count. Flapjack from Sandman on Orton. Pin, but Orton is out just before the three count. Incredibly weak powerslam on Orton by Sandman. Sandman rams Orton into a table. Orton counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Fallaway slam by Honky Tonk Orton. Death valley driver by Honky Tonk Orton, The Sandman got planted. The Sandman can barely stand. Here it comes - Shake, Rattle and Orton. 1....2...3, it's finished. Honky Tonk Orton is still in the ring celebrating. The Sandman pushes the referee away, then spins Orton around! The Sandman hits the DDT! Honky Tonk Orton has been floored after the match. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating. (Do you know that I spend over a thousand dollars a month on Playstations? And this is the third match that Keith has wined “It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1/2 rating.” Screw him and the Benoit he rode in on. Post match the Sandman destroys everything in sight, because no one told him about the fifty-cent PBR special earlier and The Drunken Irishman has just killed the keg. I think there’s only room in this league for one lush.) Winner: Honky Tonk Orton Overall Rating: 59% Crowd Reaction: 62% Match Quality: 54% Show Rating: 56% TV Rating: .56 Attendance: 166 German tourists thinking they were going to a David Hasselhoff concert. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest WrestlingDeacon Report post Posted January 19, 2003 XPW Monday Nightmare for April 21rst 2003 Live from the Third Level of Hell (also known as Fresno, California) Hosts: Joey Styles and Terry Funk Major Gunns lets Lady Victoria and her boys back into the building, but does Smith get his title match with Terry Funk? No, but he will get a chance to earn it on Wednesday Wet Dream. The Enterprise will face the Flock-Nest in a Survivor Series ty…er, we can’t use that name for copy write reasons…Series of Survival type match. If the Flock-Nest wins then Smith gets his match and if they lose Gunns gets five minutes with Lady Victoria in a vat of rice pudding with a bullwhip. Vic does not have a problem with this. After all, the Enterprise only has four members counting T’Pol. Then I guess that means Lady Victoria will have to wrestle for her team to make it fair. Plus, tonight Smith has to face Perry Saturn in a non-title match. Why non-title? So, Smith can go ove…er, no particular reason. Segment Rating: 59% We Dig Satanism Opening Singles Match Damien 666 vs Webb: Webb gets hip tossed by Damien. Damien 666 misses a clothesline. Damien receives some punishment. We have our mandatory ref bump, as he goes down after accidentally getting caught by an elbow to the face. Powerbomb on Damien. Cover, but there's no one to count for Webb. Damien backdrops Webb out of a piledriver attempt. Damien hits a flying kick on Webb. Badly executed second rope splash by Damien. There's a two count on the pin. Diving headbutt from Damien, not much elevation. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Webb elbows Damien 666 in the face to break a hammerlock. Full nelson slam on Damien. Pin, but Damien is out just before the three count. Webb drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Danny Doring comes running down the aisle with a chair! Damien whips Webb into the ropes. Doring jumps onto the apron with the chair! Collision between Doring, Webb, and the chair! Webb staggers back into a roll up! 1...2...3! It's over! Webb goes nuts, attacking the referee! DDT! The referee is out! Nothing worth seeing here, i'll give a 1\2 star rating because i'm generous. (My writers are still hell bent on me pushing evil. Rob Black’s influence is strong and mighty. Post match Doring and Webb still have no idea what they’re fighting over or any distinct character. I won’t make the WWE joke if you don’t. Actually if I go back and check I believe their feuding over a box of Chicken in a Biscuit. Seriously.) Winner: Damien 666 Overall Rating: 48% Crowd Reaction: 49% Match Quality: 59% I Need my Ahmed Johnson Fix Tag Match Deal-A-Meal vs FN All Stars: Chetti hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Chris Chetti hits a rolling kick on Nesty. Cover for a two count. Chetti tags out to Ahmed Johnson. Chetti \ Ahmed whip Nesty into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Hooks the leg for a two count. Ahmed Johnson punches away at FlockNest Monster. Ahmed Johnson misses a clothesline. Nesty crushes Ahmed with a running senton. Cover for a two count. Nesty tags out to American Wild Child. Wild Child, chanelling the power of Tatanka, hits a high kick on Ahmed Johnson. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Wild Child hits a flying kick on Ahmed. Ahmed powers out of a headlock. Big forearm by Ahmed, which was thrown so badly that Misawa is probably doubled-up with laughter somewhere. Tag between Ahmed Johnson and Chris Chetti. Chris Chetti strikes Wild Child. Wild Child tags out to FlockNest Monster. Hard back suplex on Nesty. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Lady Victoria has climbed up onto the apron! Chetti turns...and falls for the distraction! FlockNest Monster runs at Chetti from behind...but misses! FlockNest Monster collides with Lady Victoria! FlockNest Monster can barely stand. Chetti-Plex! 1....2....3. FN All Stars don't look like they're finished by any means...and they rush forward to attack Chetti \ Ahmed, and send them to the outside. Threats are exchanged as the chaos ends. DUD. (I could come up with something about Ahmed “eating” Lady Victoria, but I don’t think I should slide into the gutter more than I already have. Damn, Rob Black is getting to me too. He’s a disease for which there is no cure.) Winner: Chetti and Ahmed Overall Rating: 44% Crowd Reaction: 37% Match Quality: 61% The FN All-Stars walk through the back after their recent defeat. Halloween is listening to Chopin while painting still lifes in oil. He notices the camera and immediately flips his cd player over to Cradle of Filth and starts drawing pentagrams on the floor with crayons. Well, by God, he’s an AMERICAN Wildchild and he’s a Flock-Nest MONSTER (why monster is capitalized there I have no idea) and they will not let this stand. So, they kick his ass, but being the heels and he’s the face, standing up to Satan is a BAD THING (again more random capitalization). Segment Rating: 41% The Best Workrate Match I Could Conjure Main Event Johnny Smith vs Perry Saturn: Big forearm by Johnny Smith, ripping a page from the NOAH playbook. Double arm suplex by Johnny Smith, Saturn hits hard. Stun Gun from Johnny Smith! There used to be this blonde guy in WCW in the early 90's who used that...i wonder what happened to him? Perry Saturn takes a butterfly suplex from Johnny. Perry Saturn comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Saturn hits a dropkick on Johnny Smith. Super frankensteiner on Johnny, who hit hard. Cover for a two count. Johnny Smith pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Gutwrench into a stomach breaker, Saturn may be winded. Cover for a two count. Emerald Fusion by Johnny Smith on Saturn. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Saturn counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Saturn slams Johnny Smith. Johnny powers out of a headlock. Johnny Smith snap suplexes Saturn...with authority! ('With authority', trademark G.Monsoon 1986.) Johnny Smith ducks a Saturn clothesline and does a quick roll up. Johnny has a handful of tights! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! I don't think the fight has finished. Johnny Smith and Saturn have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating. (…And it only gets a *1/2, woe is me. Still, if I can get the crowd reaction up, we’d be doing well and I like Edwin’s suggestion of a Smith vs. Saturn feud. I have to wrap up Johnny’s feud with Terry Funk and Saturn’s feud with Kaos though first. Then maybe I can move Kaos into a feud with Funk. I need to stop trying to think ahead. I don’t people to think I’m trying to succeed here.) Winner: Johnny Smith Overall Rating: 57% Crowd Reaction: 50% Match Quality: 79% Show Rating: 51% TV Rating: .15 Attendance: 165 Fire Demons of Hell (also known as DMV clerks) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest WrestlingDeacon Report post Posted January 21, 2003 XPW Wednesday Wet Dream for April 23rd 2003 Taped Live from the Comcast Studios in Comcastlevania Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel Major Gunns is cleaning her bathroom stall office (don’t ask for the details), when the camera comes on. Based on her announcement from Monday Nightmare, which we hope everybody watched, she has decided that tonight will be nothing but survivor seri…er, series for survival matches. SMELL THE RATINGS! Or maybe that’s just the toilet backing up. Segment Rating: 64% I Don’t Have Enough People for a Full Survivor Series Show Hardcore Tag Match, Meh Alter Boys vs Politically Incorrect: The Miserly Jew uses a big bag of popcorn to floor Matthew. Weak bodyslam on Luke by Irishman. Matthew gets suplexed through a table. Alter Boy Luke elbows The Drunk Irishman in the face to break a hammerlock. MJ takes a flying neckbreaker from Alter Boy Luke. Alter Boys whip MJ into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. Matthew crushes Irishman with a big legdrop. Alter Boy Matthew hits a dropkick off the table. MJ powers out of a headlock. The Drunk Irishman DDTs Matthew, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. Vicious back suplex! Alter Boy Luke got nailed. Alter Boy Luke is all alone...Aborting the Fetus!! 1....2....3! Rating: 1\2 star. (This was just the Alter Boys returning the job from the last big show. CONTINUITY~! It also plays into our core fed belief of good is bad and bad is good. So, the God fearing nancy boys are trounced by a drunk and a tightwad playing into vicious stereotypes. Rob Black hires a bunch of Chinamen to build him a railroad. And yes, I know that Chinaman is not the proper nomenclature.) Winners: Politically Incorrect Overall Rating: 46% Crowd Reaction: 28% Match Quality: 64% The Sandman and Terry Funk are building a still in the back just like daddy used to make. They need some wood for the fire. Well, there’s this old coat rack sitting against the wall over here…FOOLS! It’s Coat Rack Steven Richards incognito. The Flock-Nest attack and leave the lushes lying. Sandman’s response to being left bloodied and beaten on the floor, “I need a drink.” Segment Rating: 65% To warm up for the participation in the main event, T’Pol and Lady Victoria come out for a bikini contest. That’s hard preparation. However, remembering her defeat at T’Pol’s hands the last time they had a bikini contest (CONTINUITY~!), Victoria has the FlockNest Monster lay her………out (just wanted to tease you) before she disrobes. The FlockNest Monster then sodomizes T’Pol with a tennis racket (CONTINUITY~!) and then plays it like an air guitar while singing “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” Segment Rating: 60% Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti and Ahmed Johnson are in the back setting up a Fry Daddy so Ahmed can deep fry some Snickers bars. The New Panthers are upset that they are going to unfairly burn a black chocolate candy bar when there are so many white chocolate bars they could fry, like Zero bars and…well, who likes Zero bars anyway? The New Panthers pour the hot grease all over Chetti and Ahmed saves his partner’s life by quickly licking it off. “I love you man.” Segment Rating: 36% Satanic Pork Chops vs. Spelling Bee Nightmare Chetti/Ahmed/Halloween/Damien vs. Muhammed/Jihad/Kahuna/Karagias: First Fall : Ahmed gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. Powerslam from Adnon El Big Kahuna on Ahmed. Hooks the leg for a two count. Ahmed blocks a punch. Side suplex from Ahmed. Shades of Dino Bravo there, although even Dino could execute it better than Ahmed. Ahmed Johnson moves in for the kill. Here it comes - Pearl River Plunge. 1....2...3, it's finished. Second Fall : Kick from Halloween to the leg. Evan Karagias takes a knee lift from Halloween. Hooks the leg for a two count. Halloween only gets knees on a splash. Karagias face jams Halloween. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Halloween backdrops Evan Karagias out of a piledriver attempt. Flying elbow off the top rope by Halloween, poor elevation though. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Halloween defeats Karagias. Third Fall : Salid Jihad strikes Ahmed Johnson. Big clothesline from Jihad. There's a two count on the pin. Ahmed powers out of a headlock. Ahmed Johnson drops Jihad with a clothesline. Ahmed Johnson moves in for the kill. Pearl River Plunge!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Fourth Fall : Halloween hits a spinning back kick. Hooks the leg for a two count. Flying elbow off the top rope by Halloween, poor elevation though. Slingshot clothesline by Halloween, who almost messed it up by slipping on the ropes. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Muhammed powers out of a headlock. The referee bumps after catching a wild right hand and is down. Halloween can barely stand. Powerbomb!!! That shook the ring. Cover, but there's no one to count for Raphael Muhammed. Halloween takes a right hand to the temple from Muhammed. Muhammed drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Halloween has Raphael Muhammed down on the canvas. Here it comes...Pumpkin Patch! Raphael Muhammed taps! I'll give a 1\2 star rating. (What the hell? Halloween and Ahmed did all the work while the better workers stood on the apron and played travel Yahtzee. I let the whole team survive here for a reason, so that everyone could get over and look badass. Now, Ahmed I can understand, but Halloween don’t let him rub off on you. With egotism like that I’ll lose him to the WWE in a week.) Winner: Chetti/Ahmed/Halloween/Damien Overall Rating: 47% Crowd Reaction: 40% Match Quality: 55% Perry Saturn and Danny Doring are in the back to do an interview for their upcoming Series of Survival match, because they’re the best talkers on either team. How sad is that? Rick Steiner Jr. with a fetish for mops and a guy who used to hang out with an Amish pervert and wants people to ride his “danaconda” have the most charisma. Honky Tonk Orton falls to his knees and wants to know why God has forsaken him. The Alter Boys suggest that maybe he’s just a goddamn loser. Segment Rating: 67% Johnny Smith tells Supreme that they must be on guard from the Enterpise seeking a revenge attack for earlier. Luckily he has setup a defense system. They hear the tin cans rattle and head for the door, but Smith forgot he did the old “bucket of the Drunken Irishman’s puke over the door” routine and they get soaked. The Enterprise bust into the room, add to the vomit from the stench and take off. Now that’s a Horsemen quality beat down. Segment Rating: 56% Disciples of the Honky vs. Sado-Masochistic Dungeon and Dragons Webb/Orton/Kaos/Wildchild vs. Saturn/Merced/Doring/Dinero : First Fall : El Mosca De La Merced hits a rolling kick on Orton. Flying cross body off the top rope! I'll give a 0.8 on the Steamboat scale for that effort. Cover for a two count. El Mosca De La Merced misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Honky Tonk Orton scores with a big spinebuster. El Mosca De La Merced can barely stand. Shake, Rattle and Orton! 1....2....3. Second Fall : Spinning back kick from Perry Saturn. Wild Child takes a flying neckbreaker from Perry Saturn. Hooks the leg for a two count. American Wild Child fights out of a grapple. Slingshot clothesline by Wild Child, who almost messed it up by slipping on the ropes. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Saturn blocks a punch. Lightning kick by Saturn on Wild Child. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Saturn defeats Wild Child. Third Fall : Saturn takes a flying neckbreaker from Kaos. Kaos crushes Saturn with a running senton. Hooks the leg for a two count. Saturn counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Vicious kick to the teeth from Perry Saturn. Kaos gets knocked to the ground by Saturn. Rings Of Saturn!!! Kaos taps out! Fourth Fall : Back elbow connects, Webb staggers backward. Full nelson slam on Webb. Hooks the leg for a two count. Webb counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Death valley driver by Webb, Danny Doring got planted. Webb has Danny Doring down on the canvas. Danny Doring gets locked in the Tazmission! Submission victory! Fifth Fall : Hard back suplex on Webb. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Spinning bulldog in the corner, Webb is down. There's a two count on the pin. Dinero walks into a trip. Death valley driver by Webb, Julio Dinero is down and hurt. Julio Dinero gets knocked to the ground by Webb. Tazmission!!! Julio Dinero taps out! Sixth Fall : Fallaway slam by Webb. There's a two count on the pin. Massive backbreaker, Saturn got planted. Early reports indicate that the back was *not* actually broken, so the move's name should actually be backhurter. Webb scores with a big spinebuster. Pin, but Saturn is out just before the three count. Saturn counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Perry Saturn misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee by mistake. Perry Saturn has Webb down on the canvas. Here it comes...Rings Of Saturn! Webb is almost unconscious with pain! Pinfall attempt, but the ref is conveniently laid out. Flying elbow from Perry Saturn. Webb avoids a Perry Saturn avalanche. Webb moves in for the kill. Powerbomb!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! I'll give it a *1\2 rating. (Do you notice how nobody tags? They just kind of randomly switch after a fall. These guys are so selfish, just so damn selfish…and that’s why I kicked their legs out of their leg.) Winner: Webb Overall Rating: 56% Crowd Reaction: 57% Match Quality: 57% Enterprise hype video to the tune of William Shatner singing “Rocket Man.” T’Pol does this weird dance in go-go boots while the boys play tambourine in back and stand on giant lava lamps. Throw in Dick Cavett riding across the screen on a hippo and I don’t have a damn clue what the point of this was. Segment Rating: 88% Hangin’ on the Coat Rack vs. the Wrath of Funk Flock-Nest vs Enterprise: First Fall : FlockNest Monster walks into a chop to the pecs. GQ Money arm drags Nesty over. Hooks the leg for a two count. Nesty drops out the back of a GQ Money bodyslam attempt. Tiger suplex on GQ, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Hooks the leg for a close fall. GQ pushes out of a FlockNest Monster hold. Suplex into a front slam from GQ, but the execution was crap. Cover gets three. GQ Money pinned Nesty. Second Fall : Sandman takes a second rope chop from Lady. Flying elbow off the top rope by Lady Victoria, poor elevation though. Hooks the leg for a two count. The Sandman elbows Lady Victoria in the face to break a hammerlock. The Sandman drops Lady with a clothesline. The Sandman has Lady Victoria down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Top Rope Legdrop!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. Third Fall : Supreme eats a swinging neckbreaker slam from GQ. GQ Money hits a bulldog off the ropes. Hooks the leg for a two count. Supreme reverses a GQ Money hammerlock. Sloppy tornado punch from Supreme, GQ barely got hit. GQ Money is in trouble. Supreme Choke Slam!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Fourth Fall : Incredibly weak powerslam on Supreme by T'Pol. T'Pol hits a bulldog off the ropes. Cover for a two count. T'Pol gets taken down out of nowhere. Supreme scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. T'Pol can barely stand. Supreme Choke Slam! 1....2....3. Fifth Fall : Sandman takes a vertical suplex. Supreme hits a stump piledriver on The Sandman, although it was quite weak in its execution. Hooks the leg for a two count. The Sandman pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. The Sandman drops Supreme with a clothesline. The Sandman moves in for the kill. Here it comes - DDT. 1....2...3, it's finished. Sixth Fall : Weak slam from Sandman. The Sandman hits a sloppy bulldog off the ropes. Cover for a two count. Sandman only gets knees on a splash. Emerald Fusion by Johnny Smith on Sandman. Johnny Smith floors The Sandman. Here it comes...Rolling Armbar! The Sandman taps! Final Fall : Funker tastes a high angle back suplex. It probably tasted like chicken. There's a two count on the pin. Spine shattering vicious back suplex! Terry Funk got absolutely creamed. Johnny Smith nearly kills Funker with a released tiger suplex. Pin, but Funker is out just before the three count. Funker drops out the back of a Johnny Smith bodyslam attempt. The referee bumps after catching a wild right hand and is down. Terry Funk moves in for the kill. DDT! Cover, but there's no one to count for Terry Funk. Terry Funk strikes Johnny Smith. Johnny counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Johnny Smith has Terry Funk down on the canvas. Here it comes...Leglock Submission! Terry Funk taps! I'll give it a *1\2 rating. (Back at the beginning let’s say it was Lady Victoria that walked into a chop to the “pecs.” Would it still be her “pecs” or her “tits?” Someone has to think of these of things. Props to the ladies for having their working boots on tonight. T’Pol actually power slammed Supreme, must be that Vulcan strength. Smith’s submission finisher is a rolling armbar? If he sits out on that the guy is legally dead in six states. And what’s a leglock submission? He just slaps the leg and says “submit, damn it.” It’s a move so fucked up we don’t know if it’s a sharpshooter or a figure four or what, it’s just a leglock submission. And I’m still trying to get this man over.) Winner: Smith and Supreme Overall Rating: 58% Crowd Reaction: 59% Match Quality: 57% Show Rating: 58% TV Rating: .56 Attendance: 166 Survivor fans (“We want Eye of the Tiger damn it!) Our big monthly show Scene of the Crime is coming up next. Blow the horns and throw the confetti. 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Guest Goodear Report post Posted January 21, 2003 Johnny Smith becomes Johnny Harris then Johnny Hart than Johnny Storm... running the gauntlet of generic wrestling names until he dies and declared a John Doe ... Than he rises from the DEAD only to be hit by a truck and become Johnny (on) The Spot... much hilarity ensues. Or you could put him over Saturn and Damian who always seem to win. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
