WWE in the style of Baz Luhrmann

[Guest The Czech Republic]

Here's a song parody I put together, czech it out and tell me what you think.

 

"Everybody's Free (To Wear Spandex)."

 

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 2003. Wear spandex. If I could give you only one piece of advice, spandex would be it. The long term benefits of spandex have been proven by wrestlers, while the rest of my advice has no basis other than my own meandering experiences. I will dispense this advice...now.

 

Enjoy the worst nights of RAW. Never mind: you won't fully appreciate a bad RAW until it gets worse, or disappears altogether. You'll look back and recall in a way you can't grasp now, that with everyone they had, it wasn't all that bad. It's not as awful as you imagine.

 

Don't worry about the WWE's future, or worry that knowing worrying will be just as effective as the Repo Man telling the audience to quiet down before he ambushes Jim Duggan. The worst things are those that never crossed your worried mind, like Kurt Angle's career possibly ending.

 

Watch one match every day that scares you.

 

Eat.

 

Don't be reckless with people's star ratings. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

 

Fart.

 

Don't waste your time on HHHate. Sometime he's ahead, sometimes he's injured for months at a time. The race is long, and in the end, he's too beat up to get to the finish line in one piece.

 

Remember the good shows. Forget the bad ones. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

 

Keep your old action figures. Throw away your Sable posters.

 

Don't feel guilty if you still live in your mom's basement. Some of the most knowledgeable wrestling fans lived with their mothers for years. Some of the most creative minds in the sport's history still do.

 

Lay off the roids. Be kind to your quads...you'll miss them when they're gone.

 

Maybe you'll win the title, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll make the Hall of Fame, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll retire at thirty, maybe you'll show your tits and give birth to a hand. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either: half of your choices are drug-induced. So are everybody else's.

 

Enjoy Trish's body. Don't be afraid of it. Imagine how you could use it any way you can.

 

Wrestle. Even if you have nowhere to do it but on some old mattresses in your basement, watch some tapes, even if they're from Japan, DO NOT DO HARDCORE YOU WILL ONLY KILL SOMEONE.

 

Get to know every wrestler. You never know when he'll be gone for good. Be nice to your friends, they're the people closest to you and your best link to the past.

 

Understand that trends come and go, but a precious few wrestlers are timeless.

 

Work for WCW once, but leave before it makes you rich.

Work for ECW once, but leave before it makes you poor.

 

Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths: ticket prices will rise, wrestlers will get lazy, and you too will get old. And when you do, you'll talk about the days when tickets were cheap, wrestlers had workrate, and they respected the locker room leader. Respect your locker room leader.

 

Don't expect anyone else to push you. Maybe you live next door to the booker, maybe you're banging the boss's daughter, but you never know when either deal may run out.

 

Don't neglect your hair, or by the time you're thirty, you'll look sixty.

 

Be careful what you read on the Internet. Be scrupulous with those who inform you. The IWC is a form of repressed spite; expressing it will give voices to those who deserve it least, by taking the facts, spinning them, and suddenly hypothesizing that Bret Hart will lead the invasion.

 

But trust me on the spandex.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

Don't feel guilty if you still live in your mom's basement. Some of the most knowledgeable wrestling fans lived with their mothers for years. Some of the most creative minds in the sport's history still do.

 

Greatest... Thing... Ever...

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

Replace the rather generic "Eat" and "Fart" with Sell and Bump and you have something kinda funny.

[Guest Steviekick]

Pretty cool. It made me laught out loud at 2 am...that doesn't happen to often.

[Guest Jack Tunney]

Don't worry about the WWE's future, or worry that knowing worrying will be just as effective as the Repo Man telling the audience to quiet down before he ambushes Jim Duggan.

 

Lay off the roids. Be kind to your quads...you'll miss them when they're gone.

 

Maybe you'll win the title, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll make the Hall of Fame, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll retire at thirty, maybe you'll show your tits and give birth to a hand.

These are the funniest things I've ever read.

[Guest Fook_Hing_Ho]

Nice little speech there. Cudos for this.

[cawthon777 0]

Bret's not leading the invasion?

[TheFranchise 0]

Shh... IT CAN STILL HAPPEN~!

[TheFranchise 0]

I know we aren't supposed to bump old threads, but I had to bump this. Quality.

[TheDevilAndGodAreRagingInsideMe 0]

Tremendous

[Spaceman Spiff 0]

Good, but his 1890's-style Raw/Smackdown/Velocity write-ups were better.

[Atticus Chaos 0]

Good, but his 1890's-style Raw/Smackdown/Velocity write-ups were better.

 

Anyone post them?

[Spaceman Spiff 0]

Smackdown

Velocity

1890's Raw #1

1890's Raw #2

[Atticus Chaos 0]

Thanks.

[Ravenbomb 0]

isn't this song (the non-parody version) on the closing credits for The Big Kahuna?