Hot Shit Wresting EWR Diary

[Guest La Marka]

Love your work Deacon you are an inspiration to all.

 

By "all" I mean "me."

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

HSW Steaming Funk for Wednesday July 2nd 2003

Live from the Toilet

Hosts: Joey Styles and Steve Michael Payton

 

Means to an End Singles Match for the Lukewarm Shit Title

Austin Lee vs Jorge Estrada:

Kick from Austin Lee to the leg. Estrada counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Spinning back kick from Jorge Estrada. Estrada whips Lee into the turnbuckles...and predictably, the referee gets sandwiched. Tornado DDT from Jorge Estrada, Lee got planted. Cover, but there's no one to count for Jorge Estrada. Lee blocks the suplex attempt. Hard back suplex on Estrada. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Super kick by Austin Lee. Cover for a two count. Tornado DDT from Austin Lee, Estrada got planted. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Jorge Estrada fights out of a grapple. Lightning kick by Estrada on Lee. Pin, but Lee is out just before the three count. Estrada only gets knees on a splash. Disgraceland comes running down the aisle and into the ring! Jorge Estrada turns around.... Shake Rattle and Roll!!! That shook the ring. Dissy leaves the ring, the damage done! Pin, three count, it's over. Austin Lee pins Estrada. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

Winner: Austin Lee

(You would think the referee would stay out until the interference, but he’s up and lets it go by without a word. I know I’ve bitched about this before, but much like Courtney Cox, it just mysteriously irks me.)

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 55%

Match Quality: 74%

 

The rest of the Memphis Mafia comes down to the ring post match. Honky Tonk Man gets on the microphone and announces that do to poor performance, one of their own is going to get drubbed out of the mafia. Estrada, “I’d hate to be that guy.” Uh…Estrada you are that guy. What?! Bilvis Wesley and Disgraceland stand behind Estrada and hum the theme song to “Branded” while the Honky Tonk Man crushes Estrada’s sunglass, rips the sleeves of his jumpsuit, sucks off his rhinestones with a vacuum cleaner and then smash his guitar…OVER HIS HEAD! FUCKIN’ AYE! Estrada is down. Bilvis and Disgraceland hover over Estrada’s prone form and wail, “BRANDED!”

Segment Rating: 69% (“The fans realized that Jorge Estrada turned not too long ago, and so this time they didn't care so much.” That’s pretty much par for the course for us.)

 

T’Pol is in the back with Coat Rack Steven Richards. She announces that The Other (DUM-DUM-DUM) will make his debut tonight and take over for Terry Funk. Now we don’t want to give away who The Other (DUM-DUM-DUM) is, but let’s say he’s a STONE COLD sure thing from AUSTIN, a real ROCK who is the ULTIMATE WARRIOR to take over Funk’s MACHO and SAVAGE persona as the RANDY MAN in the HSW. Before she finishes T’Pol would also like to scream CHRIS BENOIT, KURT ANGLE and BROCK LESNAR real loud for no apparent reason. She will also say Triple H at a normal volume with a sigh and a roll of her eyes.

Segment Rating: 74%

Skip the Eddie Money, Just Bring Money for Me to Eat on Tag Match for the Hot Shit Tag Titles

2 Tickets 2 Paradise vs The Fat Boys:

GQ hits a quick kick on Ahmed. GQ Money snap suplexes Ahmed...with authority! ('With authority', trademark G.Monsoon 1986.) Cover for a two count. GQ tags out to Julio Dinero. 2 Tickets 2 Paradise hook up Ahmed, then hit a double suplex. There's a two count on the pin. Dinero hits a dropkick on Ahmed Johnson. Ahmed Johnson fights out of a grapple. Ahmed Johnson hits a sloppy bulldog off the ropes. Hooks the leg for a two count. Ahmed tags out to Mark Henry. Big clothesline from Henry. 'Big' because it missed by a big margin. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Mark Henry punches away at Julio Dinero. Dinero blocks the suplex attempt. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Tag to GQ Money. Mark Henry walks into a chop to the pecs. Tag between Mark Henry and Ahmed Johnson. GQ suplexes Ahmed to the canvas. As Dinero and Ahmed get into a brawl on the outside, Marty Fuckin' Jannetty comes running down into the ring! GQ Money gets grabbed, and they start brawling. Ahmed takes some shots at GQ as well. The referee, seeing the chaos, calls for a no contest ruling. We have a three-way stand off in the ring, as 2 Tickets 2 Paradise, The Fat Boys and Whump Ass Express look at each other. They all charge forward, and a three-way brawl erupts in the ring! This is chaos! After a few minutes of fast and furious action, a motley crew of referees and stagehands hit the ring to break it up. DUD.

Winner: Kickin’ Your Ass!!!

(Hey, Ahmed is back from suspension, notice how we don’t mention it nor does anyone care. Ahmed has no idea what’s up with Mark Henry’s weight gain; he thought he was teaming with Dave Chappelle. Pre match, Ahmed tried to feed him a whole Boston cream pie soaked in butter. One time I want all three teams to look at each other and then decide it’s not worth it and go play video games at Chuckee Cheese. And yes, it’s time for a Whump Ass Express push, it’s not like I have any other tag teams worth a damn, it’s more of a default push really, but if you work for the HSW you take what you can get.)

Overall Rating: 41%

Crowd Reaction: 40%

Match Quality: 53%

 

Jannetty and Stetson throw down some Aqua Net hairspray and a side of spare ribs to distract 2 Tickets 2 Paradise and the Fat Boys. They run to the timekeeper’s table (really it’s just a card table where we keep Snickers bars and RC Cola as per the rider in Barry Windham’s contract) and steal the Hot Shit Tag Titles. They run off into the crowd and straight to the pawnshop. Hey, they could use the five bucks.

Segment Rating: 45%

 

Sandman is with Coat Rack Steven Richards in the back. He doesn’t give a damn that Terry Funk is retiring or what plan T’Pol has to bring in The Other (DUM-DUM-DUM). Sandman, sober or drunk (but mostly drunk) can destroy any other (DUM-DUM-), hey, he said other, not The Other (DUM-DUM-DUM). Where the hell is that sound coming from anyway? Sandman walks to a broom closet and opens a door to find Winslow from Police Academy on a microphone. He makes that Pacman gets eaten noise and Sandman beats the living shit out of him.

Segment Rating: 82%

 

I Repossess Your Grandmother and Sell Her to the Gypsies Singles Match

Barry Windham vs Repo Man:

Barry Windham hits Repo. Repo receives some unexciting punishment. Running clothesline from Barry Windham, sloppily done. Windham slams Repo Man down. Big John Studd would be proud, no doubt. Repo blocks a kick from Barry Windham. Big kick from Repo. Repo Man hits a sloppy double axe handle. Hooks the leg for a two count. Repo only gets knees on a splash. Barry Windham DDTs Repo, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. There's a two count on the pin. Windham DDTs Repo Man. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Repo Man powers out of a Barry Windham headlock. Repo Man hits Windham. Windham counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Repo gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. Barry Windham moves in for the kill. Lariat!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Chris Nowinski comes running down the aisle with a chair! Barry Windham is just leaving the ring...and Nowinski scores with a brutal chair shot! Barry Windham falls to the floor holding his head. I'll give a 1\2 star rating.

Winner: Barry Windham

(It’s not even a flying lariat anymore, just a lariat. Windham is so old and fat, his dad must be proud that he followed so closely in his footsteps. I can remember when both he and Kendall weighed about a buck twenty apiece soaking wet. No, I’m not older than Freddie Blassie, shut the fuck up.)

Overall Rating: 48%

Crowd Reaction: 53%

Match Quality: 56%

 

Repo Man stops Chris Nowinski before he can walk to the back. He hasn’t been getting anything to do lately in the HSW and would like to join the Pussy Patrol. What are his qualifications? “I can steal pussy and bring it to you.” Uh…that’s kidnap and rape. “Not when I do it, it’s pussy repossession.” Pussy repossession! Sweet! He’s in!

Segment Rating: 61%

 

Sophie is in the back to announce that she will be debuting a new tag team this Saturday on the Miserly Jew’s Potato Hour. Uh…is that it? Sure, what do you want a song and dance? Why not? Ok, fine. The wall behind Sophie breaks away to reveal an orchestra and an elaborate set you might find on a ‘70’s variety show. Sophie rips off her clothes to reveal a barely there sparkly dress. Giant Gonzalez enters with a humongous afro and holding a slide trombone. Sophie sings to the tune of Proud Mary with Gonzalez doing the backing vocals:

 

I could get a good job with the WWE

But I’m stuck in this hell whole every night and day

Showing off my titties to the drooling rubes

Never paying attention to what’s in my head

 

Big titties keep on bouncing

Big titties keep on bouncing

And I’m bouncing (bouncing) bouncing (bouncing)

Bouncing my big titties (bouncing those big titties)

 

Get a lot of leers from the mafia from Memphis

Showing off my ‘tang for the Deacon to see

But I never got a minute of attention from the guys

Til I pumped silicon in my boobies

 

Big titties keep on bouncing

Big titties keep on bouncing

And I’m bouncing (bouncing) bouncing (bouncing)

Bouncing my big titties (bouncing those big titties)

 

Gonzalez plays the horn now

 

Daaaa-Daaaa-Dun, Daaaaa-Daaaa-Dun, Dun-Dun-Dun-Dun-Duuuuuuuuuuuuun

 

So c’mon on down to the HSW

And see my titties when you can

But you better bring some money

Or Gonzalez will beat you with a frying pan

 

CLANG!

 

Big titties keep on bouncing

Big titties keep on bouncing

And I’m bouncing (bouncing) bouncing (bouncing)

Bouncing my big titties (bouncing those big titties)

 

Segment Rating: 94% (see big production numbers do pay off)

 

You Ain’t Tazz, This Aint’ the ECW and Paul Heyman Ain’t Booking This Sorry Shit for the Hot Shit World Title

Sandman vs Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti:

Spin kick by Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti to the face. Flying reverse elbow by Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti. Cover for a two count. Sandman backdrops Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti out of a piledriver attempt. Some weak shots by Sandman. Weak slam from Sandman. There's a two count on the pin. Side suplex from Sandman. Shades of Dino Bravo there, although even Dino could execute it better than Sandman. Pin, but Chetti is out just before the three count. Sandman punches away at Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti. Sandman drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Chetti crushes Sandman with a big legdrop. Hooks the leg for a two count. Springboard dropkick from Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti. Nicely done. Pin, but Sandman is out just before the three count. Sandman takes a flying neckbreaker from Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti. Sandman walks into a high dropkick from Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti. Sandman takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Sandman hits a weak elbow on Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti. Sandman DDTs Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti. Chetti scores with a forearm, sending Sandman down into the corner. The referee pulls Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti away to get the break. Wait! Sandman has pulled something out of his tights. Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti walks over...and gets floored by a punch! 1....2....3! The referee never saw the brass knuckles! I don't think the fight has finished. Sandman and Chetti have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

Winner: Sandman

(I hate to tell you, but those weren’t brass knuckles, they were anal beads. I won’t go any further, except to just mention that New Jack was in town the night before. That’s it that’s all I’m saying, I won’t tell you that they rented a room at the Nighty Night motel on the south 60 at hourly rates. Although I must say I was glad to get rid off all that Astro Glide we had from that whole ass to ass thing that never went down.)

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 68%

Match Quality: 55%

 

Terry Funk comes down to the ring followed by T’Pol. “I would like to thank everyone for coming out to the Terry Funk Tri-Annual Memor…er Retirement Spectacular and Gun Show. It was nice to see such support…” “Show us your tits!!!” “Better do it T’Pol.” “I’m yelling at your Terry!” “That’s sick, sir.” Anyway, Terry Funk realizes when it’s time to retire, he might be a little slow to pick up on it, but he realizes. However, it’s a hard thing for him to do, his mind wants to keep going while his body can’t really take it. So, T’Pol is going to use Vulcan gobbley-gook to transfer his essence into a younger, stronger body. T’Pol says that she searched for a strong, smart, charismatic, all around wrestler, but couldn’t find one so she just settled for Shawn Stasiak, who’s pretty much the perfect empty vessel. Stasiak comes down to the ring wearing that white robe and bitchin’ headband from Star Trek IV. T’Pol does the Vulcan mind meld with Terry Funk, who then screams, “I like pudding” as if he were Supreme and collapses in the fetal position. T’Pol does the Vulcan mind meld with Stasiak to transfer Funk’s esse…uh oh. Uh oh? Uh oh can’t be good during a mind transfer. T’Pol put a little too much into the ritual and wound up leaking some of herself into the mind transfer. Stasiak grabs the microphone and announces, “Now, I can see all is clear to me. I am blessed with the power of Funk (George Clinton stands up in the back and screams, “Hallelujah!”). I am touched by the brilliance of the Vulcan (Leonard Nimoy sits on his hands). I am no longer Shawn Stasiask, I…am…JIMMY JACK SPOCK!!!”

Segment Rating: 79%

 

Show Rating: 65%

TV Rating: 1.84

Attendance: 364 Vulcans who flew down on the mothership.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

Terry Funk comes down to the ring followed by T’Pol. “I would like to thank everyone for coming out to the Terry Funk Tri-Annual Memor…er Retirement Spectacular and Gun Show. It was nice to see such support…” “Show us your tits!!!” “Better do it T’Pol.” “I’m yelling at your Terry!” “That’s sick, sir.” Anyway, Terry Funk realizes when it’s time to retire, he might be a little slow to pick up on it, but he realizes. However, it’s a hard thing for him to do, his mind wants to keep going while his body can’t really take it. So, T’Pol is going to use Vulcan gobbley-gook to transfer his essence into a younger, stronger body. T’Pol says that she searched for a strong, smart, charismatic, all around wrestler, but couldn’t find one so she just settled for Shawn Stasiak, who’s pretty much the perfect empty vessel. Stasiak comes down to the ring wearing that white robe and bitchin’ headband from Star Trek IV. T’Pol does the Vulcan mind meld with Terry Funk, who then screams, “I like pudding” as if he were Supreme and collapses in the fetal position. T’Pol does the Vulcan mind meld with Stasiak to transfer Funk’s esse…uh oh. Uh oh? Uh oh can’t be good during a mind transfer. T’Pol put a little too much into the ritual and wound up leaking some of herself into the mind transfer. Stasiak grabs the microphone and announces, “Now, I can see all is clear to me. I am blessed with the power of Funk (George Clinton stands up in the back and screams, “Hallelujah!”). I am touched by the brilliance of the Vulcan (Leonard Nimoy sits on his hands). I am no longer Shawn Stasiask, I…am…JIMMY JACK SPOCK!!!”

Segment Rating: 79%

 

Show Rating: 65%

TV Rating: 1.84

Attendance: 364 Vulcans who flew down on the mothership.

Oh man thats as brilliant as Eddy Guerrero giving Charley Haas the chair on Smackdown

[King Cucaracha 0]

Best..Ending..EVER!

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

The Miserly Jew’s Potato Hour for Saturday, July 5th 2003

Taped at Random Intervals from the Plumbing (aka-The basement of the Toilet)

Hosts: Steve Michael Payton and The Honky Tonk Man

 

Sophie comes down to the ring with the fans chanting, “titties keep on bouncing, bouncing, bouncing.” Sorry, she’s not here to bounce her boobs. Boo! Ok, just a little bit. Steve Michael Payton throws her a jump rope and she goes through a few skips. Actually, she is here to debut her new tag team. The men who will take the HSW tag division by storm (I wish they’d just take it away), Davey Man Smith and The Nitroglycerin Kid… The Irish Wolfhounds! (Formerly Chad Collyer and Generalissimo Francisco Franco or something like that, it’s not like you know who these people are anyway.) The Irish Wolfhounds are in the HSW to start their “jobbing out of existence summer tour” beginning with the Hard Rodz. How did we come up with this idea anyway? Cut to The Drunk Irishman and the Deacon looking wasted with a bottle of whiskey between them and several more littering the floor. The Irishman slurs, “You know, you need to bring in somebody else for me to pal around with, my kind of people. That guy you got me tagging with, he’s always eating potatoes which I jive with, but he’s listening to Barbara Streisand and watching Fiddler on the Roof.” Irishman leans his head closer to Deacon’s and whispers, “I think he’s gay.” Deacon laughs, “nah, he’s just Jewish.” “Jewish! That’s even worse!”

Segment Rating: 70%

 

eXXXile on Main Street Tag Team Match

The Irish Wolfhounds vs Hard Rodz:

Stiff high kick on Steel by Davey Man Smith who has evidently been watching some old AJPW tapes recently. Big clothesline on Steel. Davey Man Smith scores with a big spinebuster. Tag between Rod Steel and Roderick Strong. Kick from Roderick Strong to the leg. DMS counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Double arm suplex by Davey Man Smith, Roderick hits hard. Tag to The Nitroglycerin Kid. Davey Man Smith scoops up Roderick. Kid bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Super kick by The Nitroglycerin Kid. Tiger suplex on Roderick, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Kid tags out to Davey Man Smith. Roderick Strong is all alone...Double Wolfhound!! 1....2....3! The Irish Wolfhounds signal to each other...and they attack Hard Rodz! After an swift brawl, Roderick and Steel are left down in the ring. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

Winner: The Irish Worlfhounds

(Consider the Hard Rodz fired. Only Zach Malibu sheds a tear as the eXXXiles was his idea, but he didn’t vote for me in the TSM Poster's Tournament (VOTE FOR ME! SHOW THE LOVE), so meh. Every time I use them, the writer’s said they were losing heat, because I was pushing them too hard, considering they were jobbing in the opening match of a program getting killed in the ratings by Tony Little infomercials and the Sunday Night Sex Lady. So, I decided to push them hard…out the door. Also, a double wolfhound is like a double bulldog that the British Bulldogs used for a finisher, but they call a bulldog a wolfhound. Get it? Isn’t that hilarious? Seriously, marijuana kills brains cells, don’t smoke it.)

Overall Rating: 51%

Crowd Reaction: 29%

Match Quality: 74%

 

T’Pol is in the back with Jimmy Jack Spock. Spock speaks, “I feel the green blood churning through my Texas veins. I view the three moons of my home world from high atop Free Bird Mountain.” Wait…was Terry Funk ever a member of the Free Bir… “IT DOESN’T MATTER! Jimmy Jack Spock has obtained this worthless vessel of Stasiakianess to combat the one you call the Sandman. He will dribble through my fingers like the silicate that is part of his name and be blown on the six winds of Flat’lence. I was born to be king! I am a Prince of the Universe!” Jimmy Jack Spock plays air guitar while going, “neir-neir-neirneirneir.”

(Terry Funk + Vulcans = Ultimate Warrior)

Segment Rating: 61%

 

They Told Me I Needed Another Match Here Instead of Random Titty Bouncing Singles Match

Repo Man vs Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti:

Chetti hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Repo counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Chetti receives some unexciting punishment. We have our mandatory ref bump, as he goes down after accidentally getting caught by an elbow to the face. Repo Man scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Hooks the leg, but the referee is still out. Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti fights out of a grapple. Chetti uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Flying reverse elbow by Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti. Cover for a two count. Diamond Dust from Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti, Repo is out. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Chetti drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Repo Man hits a bulldog off the ropes. Pin, but Chetti is out just before the three count. Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti ducks a clothesline attempt. Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti has Repo Man down on the canvas. Chetti-Mission! 1....2....3. Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti offers a handshake to Repo...and he accepts it! No! Repo Man levels Chetti with a cheap shot right hand! Repo Man hits the Double Axe Handle! Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti has been floored after the match. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

Winner: Taz’ Cousin Chris Chetti

(I think ‘mandatory ref bump’ is in the Repo Man’s contract. Check that match quality, either Chetti is secretly Ric Flair or Repo Man is hoping to ride the nostalgia wave back into the WWE. You’d mark out for the Repo Man on RAW and you know it.)

Overall Rating: 59%

Crowd Reaction: 56%

Match Quality: 73%

 

You Know Elvis Would Have Bought me a Car by Now, Bastard Singles Match for the HSW HTM TCB Title

Honky Tonk Man vs “Carless” Mark Jindrak:

Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Mark Jindrak hits a wolfhound off the ropes. Cover for a two count. Mark Jindrak gets taken down out of nowhere. Weak-ass knife-edge chop from HTM. Ricky Steamboat would be ashamed of that chop. Honky Tonk Man with a sloppy back bodydrop on Jindrak. Cover for a two count. Face-first suplex from HTM. Pin, but Jindrak is out just before the three count. Chop from HTM on Jindrak. Jindrak pushes out of a Honky Tonk Man hold. Super kick by Mark Jindrak. There's a two count on the pin. Brutal powerbomb on HTM. Pin, but HTM is out just before the three count. Back elbow connects, HTM staggers backward. Kick from Mark Jindrak to the leg. HTM counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Jindrak takes a hangman's neckbreaker from HTM. HTM hits a badly done swinging DDT on Mark Jindrak. Disgraceland comes running down the aisle and onto the apron! Jindrak turns...and is dropped throat-first onto the top rope by Dissy! Disgraceland has left Jindrak in big trouble. Mark Jindrak is in trouble. Here it comes - Shake, Rattle and Roll. 1....2...3, it's finished. HTM and Dissy are beating the hell out of Mark Jindrak! Paunch Estrada sprints down the aisle and slides into the ring! He goes toe-to-toe with Honky Tonk Man, exchanging punches, while Mark Jindrak comes back, sending Dissy out of the ring with a clothesline. Estrada \ Jindrak have cleared the ring, driving off HTM and Dissy! Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

Winner: Honky Tonk Man

(Screw it, from now on all bulldogs will be called wolfhounds. If we’re going to suck, we might as well suck out loud. Ooo…“suck out loud” I like that as a finisher name for Lizzy Borden. If I was Ricky Steamboat I would be more ashamed over the fact that the friggin’ Honky Tonk Man jobbed me for the Intercontinental Title and reduced me to mid-card status after busting his ass in one of the greatest matches of all time. But that might just be me. And now for something completely different…)

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 59%

Match Quality: 53%

 

Jorge Estrada grabs a microphone and addresses the Memphis Mafia as they retreat up the ramp. They may have kicked him out of the stable, but he’s going to kick their asses (I need better writers). He is taking this opportunity to embrace his true self. Jorge was his Elvis slave name (I just typed that and not even I understand it), he rejects the Honky ways and embraces the heritage of his people, good looking Latin television stars. So when you call him, get on your CB and look for patrol bike 7-Mary-3, because that’s where you’ll find PAUNCH ESTRADA! The theme song to CHiP’s plays on the loudspeakers, but only five seconds worth, because we can’t afford the royalties. Stupid Dick Clark owning everything.

Segment Rating: 52%

 

Show Rating: 57%

TV Rating: 1.82

Attendance: 373 people named “Wilcox.”

 

July Birthdays:

Jimmy Jack Spock (31): “On this anniversary of my womb-letting, I am reminded of the life giver and her bosom of nutrients. She forged me strong like steel and sturdy like the mighty oak in the thunderstorm Boom-Shaka-Laka. For that I bequeath a hearty thanks mom.”

The World Strongest Man, Jumpin’ Leapin’ Flyin’ Mark Henry (33): “Honestly, can I just suck less in the coming year.”

Ahmed Johnson (35): “Where’s my cake, motherfucker!?”

[Guest Sandman9000]

(Formerly Chad Collyer and Generalissimo Francisco Franco or something like that, it’s not like you know who these people are anyway.)

I at least know who Collyer is. Student of Dean Malenko, one of the best mat workers in the indys today, has recently worked for Ring of Honor.

 

As for the "Bouncin' Titties" song, give that a drum beat and an acordian and you've got platnium written all over that.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

Great Stuff as usual Deacon, and i'll vote for you in the tourney

 

But please, hire Giant Silva, you know you wanna

[Guest The Last Free Voice]

BUMP!!!!

[Guest Lightning Flik]

DUMP~!

 

 

 

 

...er wait... I meant BUMP~!

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

Sorry it’s been so long between shows. I’ve been wrapped up in playing my fed from the EWR challenge since that’s over with. It’s actually fun to run a successful federation. Considering I built it around tiny Asians who can’t speak and the Smoking Gunns, that’s quite a feat. Why I can’t do the same here, I don’t know, but I’ll save you all the anguish of that Smoking Gunns reunion.

 

 

HSW Steaming Funk for Wednesday July 9th 2003

Live from the Toilet

Hosts: Joey Styles and Steve Michael Payton

 

Sophie and the Irish Wolfhounds are in the back eating potatoes and drinking whiskey from a welcome basket sent over by Politically Incorrect. Lizzy Borden runs in and yanks the potato out of Sophie’s hand and eats it. “OW! HOT! HOT!” Lizzy spits out the hot potato and fans her burnt mouth. She’s pissed at the Wolfhounds for jobbing the Hard Rodz out of the HSW and wants revenge. She’s been forced to reform the Alter Boys and wants a match against them right now. How did she ever get Alter Boy Luke to join her? He’s pretty sexually frustrated, being an alter boy and all, so she told him that it wouldn’t be against his religion if he had sex her while she was dressed like a nun. Gonzalez walks in holding a VHS tape and says in his best Guy Smiley impersonation, “and you can witness it all for $19.95 in this exclusive HSW video The Blows of St. Mary.” Hey, c’mon now, that’s an old XPW bit with selling the porno tapes. Hey boss, we need the money, trust Gonzalez.

Segment Rating: 63%

 

Let’s Call This the Blow Off Between the Protestants and the Catholics for All the Souls in Ireland Tag Team Match (no pun intended with ‘blow off”)

Alter Boys vs The Irish Wolfhounds:

Anus Boy Matthew scores with a back heel kick on Kid. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? There's a two count on the pin. The Nitroglycerin Kid elbows Anus Boy Matthew in the face to break a hammerlock. Stiff high kick on Matthew by The Nitroglycerin Kid who has evidently been watching some old AJPW tapes recently. Spinning wolfhound in the corner, Matthew is down. Tag to Davey Man Smith. Big backdrop on Matthew, executed well. Matthew counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Tag between Anus Boy Matthew and Alter Boy Luke. Alter Boys whip DMS into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. Second rope flying axe handle, DMS goes down. Cover for a two count. Luke crushes DMS with a running senton. Tag between Alter Boy Luke and Anus Boy Matthew. DDT from the top rope by Anus Boy Matthew. That looked brutal. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. DMS backdrops Anus Boy Matthew out of a piledriver attempt. Tag between Davey Man Smith and The Nitroglycerin Kid. Spin kick by The Nitroglycerin Kid to the face. The Irish Wolfhounds have Anus Boy Matthew to themselves. Double Wolfhound! 1....2....3! It's over. The Irish Wolfhounds rush forward to attack! Alter Boys get caught by surprise and brutally beaten down to the canvas. I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

Winner: The Irish Wolfhounds

(“The Jobbing Out of Existence Summer Tour” rages on with slightly better ticket sales than the much acclaimed “White Boys who Sound Like Fat, Black Men Tour” of Jeffrey Osbourne and Rick Astley. The Alter Boys want to protest their firing and says that they’re going to get a papal decree from the Vatican or some shit like that. We’ll see what the Pope thinks after we send him Luke’s movie. I bet he gives it two hail mary’s up. Lizzy Borden says she’s going to protest her firing by hacking us up with an axe and then sitting under a tree and eat apples until the cops come. Hey, I had to work in a reference to the real Lizzy Borden before I fired the bitch.)

Overall Rating: 56%

Crowd Reaction: 35%

Match Quality: 78%

 

Sophie is now in the back with Austin Lee to cut a promo on Repo Man. Well, not really, we just want to watch Sophie’s jugs jiggle as she does the negative pee-pee dance. If sex sells, then I’m trading in bulk. Austin Lee looks around for a good place to hide his bong, Potty Piper, so the Repo Man doesn’t take it and sell it at auction to Rob Van Dam at half price.

Segment Rating: 89%

 

Repossession isn’t Bogarting Singles Match for the Lukewarm Shit Title

Austin Lee vs Repo Man:

Running clothesline from Repo Man, sloppily done. Weak bodyslam by Repo. Hooks the leg for a two count. Repo drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Austin Lee scores with a back heel kick on Repo. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Hooks the leg for a two count. Diamond Dust from Austin Lee, Repo is out. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Repo Man avoids a Austin Lee avalanche. Repo hits a stump piledriver on Austin Lee, although it was quite weak in its execution. Cover for a two count. Repo Man turns Lee inside-out with a clothesline. Pin, but Lee is out just before the three count. Weak bodyslam on Lee by Repo. Uninspiring brawling from Repo Man. Austin Lee pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Lee hits a dropkick on Repo Man. Tiger suplex on Repo, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Repo Man is in trouble. Degenerate Driver! 1....2....3. Austin Lee offers a handshake to Repo...and he accepts it! No! Repo Man levels Lee with a cheap shot right hand! Repo Man hits the Double Axe Handle! Austin Lee has been floored after the match. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

Winner: Austin Lee

(Wrestling rule #35: Never shake hands with the Repo Man. He’s the Repo Man for crying out loud, what is Lee going to do next, get into a blading contest with Abdullah the Butcher. “Dude, blood loss rules! It makes you high!” Post match, the Repo Man attempts to repossess Sophie’s pussy for Chris Nowinski, but let’s just say that since she’s a savage that you need a machete to get through the overgrown bush in that jungle.)

Overall Rating: 59%

Crowd Reaction: 52%

Overall Rating: 66%

 

T’Pol and Jimmy Jack Spock walk into Deacon’s office. Spock wants to talk about getting a title shot with the Sandman. Well, this should be long and boring. Gonzalez, break out the honey and lather T’Pol with it in the background to keep the fans entertained. Spock states, “My soul yearns for the title strap that is the Shit of Hottness. My blood boils to stand on the top of the mountain with foot on the gaping chest cavity of my opponent and shout to my gods that ‘yes, I am HOT SHIT!’” Deacon figures that Spock can’t draw a dime on his own (he’s still Shawn Stasiak at heart you know), so maybe he can trick people into caring about things if he makes the main event a battle royale with the winner receiving a Hot Shit World Title shot. Probably not, but I’m pretty much booking with darts at this point. Gonzalez: “Hey boss, this would probably be a bad time to let out my collection of wasps wouldn’t it?”

Segment Rating: 69%

 

Cut me a Break Copper, Elvis was an Undercover Narc Singles Match

Paunch Estrada vs Disgraceland:

Estrada hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Paunch Estrada gets taken down out of nowhere. Estrada takes a weak kick. Disgraceland misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee by mistake. Disgraceland scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Hooks the leg, but the referee is still out. Paunch Estrada fights out of a grapple. Paunch Estrada hits a rolling kick on Dissy. Dissy takes a hurrancarana from Paunch Estrada. Cover for a two count. Dissy walks into a face crusher variation. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Disgraceland pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Powerslam from Disgraceland on Estrada. Pin, but Estrada is out just before the three count. Estrada powers out of a headlock. Bilvis Wesley comes running down the aisle with a chair! Dissy goes to irish whip Paunch Estrada into the ropes. Bilvis jumps onto the apron with the chair...but Paunch Estrada reverses! Collision between Bilvis, Dissy, and the chair! Disgraceland staggers back into a roll up! 1...2...3! It's over! Disgraceland leaves the ring and heads off down the aisle. Dissy obviously didn't want any more of a beating tonight. I'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

Winner: Paunch Estrada

(So Paunch was busting his ass and the match still sucked. I guess that makes Disgraceland the anti-Flair, aka Psycho Sid. Paunch now rides to the ring on a motorcycle, dresses in a tight orange cop uniform and carries his pistol at a jaunty angle. Maybe if I changed his gimmick form law enforcer to “Village People gay,” he would get over more.)

Overall Rating: 54%

Crowd Reaction: 56%

Overall Rating: 50%

 

Paunch Estrada grabs a microphone post match and runs down Disgraceland. “Get back here so I can write you a ticket Disgraceland. You should know better than trying to park your fat BUTT in a no lardass zone. (good lord, I need better writers) I’m going to go right up the chain of command. First I’m going to arrest you, then Bilvis, then the Honky Tonk Man himself. You guys should never have kicked me out of the Memphis Mafia and for that you will pay…” The loud snoring of the audience drowns Paunch’s words out. “and you’ll pay for…trafficking cocaine all over the western seaboard!” ZZZ…ur…what? Cocaine? “That’s right you guys will pay for trafficking cocaine and…uh…pimping prostitutes…and…uh…killing small puppies with an oyster mallet and…other really evil stuff that the fans will boo you for.” The fans boo the Memphis Mafia and chant for Estrada. They’re sheep, I tell you, sheep.

Segment Rating: 56%

 

Cantankerous Codgers Collide Singles Match for the HSW HTM TCB Title

Honky Tonk Man vs Redneck Jesus Barry Windham:

Barry Windham strikes Honky Tonk Man. Weak bodyslam by Windham. Hooks the leg for a two count. Honky Tonk Man elbows Barry Windham in the face to break a hammerlock. Windham tastes a spinning neckbreaker from HTM. Honky Tonk Man with a sloppy back bodydrop on Windham. Cover for a two count. Face-first suplex from HTM. Pin, but Windham is out just before the three count. Barry Windham walks into a suplex from Honky Tonk Man. Barry Windham reverses a hip toss. Weak bodyslam by Windham. There's a two count on the pin. Flapjack from Windham on HTM. Hooks the leg for a close fall. HTM takes a vertical suplex. HTM receives some unexciting punishment. Barry Windham gets taken down out of nowhere. Honky Tonk Man slams Windham down. Honky Tonk Man drops Windham with a clothesline. Barry Windham hooks up a suplex, but it is blocked. HTM scores with a low blow, then turns it into a small package! The referee didn't see the illegal blow! 1...2...3! Barry Windham got screwed out of the victory! Paunch Estrada comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! HTM turns around...straight into the 7-Mary-3!! Honky Tonk Man has been left down on the canvas. I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

Winner: Honky Tonk Man

(Notice how ‘small packages’ always follow low blows. There’s something very Freudian about that. Post match, Estrada tells HTM that his puppy killing days are through. HTM stutters confused that he isn’t killing any puppies. See, Estrada made him stop. Estrada is one good cop! The fans roar. Windham consults his book of redneck etiquette to see if he should brawl with Paunch even though he saved him, because he’s still a dirty Mexican and the fuzz, bring up that gay thing and Estrada has the hat trick.)

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 61%

Match Quality: 50%

 

2 Tickets 2 Paradise are on the phone trying to get tickets for the “White Boys who Sound Like Fat, Black Men Tour” when Lady Victoria sashays by. After the pair look up ‘sashay’ in the dictionary to see what she’s doing and then cross reference that with the Redneck book of etiquette, they see that Victoria is ‘asking for it.’ They trail her down a hallway that comes to a dead end! (Yeah, I know you usually don’t have dead end hallways in an arena, but we pissed off the contractors while they were building the Toilet, so they put in a bunch of hallways that don’t go anywhere out of spite. Ahmed Johnson eats 67 lunches while the guys are working and they get cheesed off.) They turn to leave and Chris Nowinski and the Repo Man are blocking their path. They’re going to get it now! Uh…NOW! …NOW! What about……NOW! Hey, you guys drop the blood! Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty and “Hot Shit” Tony Stetson are stuck to the ceiling with suction cups and dump a vat of blood on Money and Dinero’s heads! See the ideas you get when you try to watch Hong Kong Phooey and Carrie at the same time on one of those picture in a picture televisions. Money and Dinero are soaked head to toe in blood. They both turn up their noses, what smells so funny? Well…you can’t just rundown to the hospital and get 30 gallons of blood, but luckily Lady Victoria was getting a visit from her Aunt Flo this week…who just happened to have a spare 30 gallons of blood they could have, she’s a real nice lady. Aunt Flo gives Money and Dinero some homemade Rice Krispie treats. So, where did she get the blood? “Oh, I’m on the rag.”

Segment Rating: 56%

 

Just to Piss Scott Keith Off 10 Men Battle Royal:

Austin Lee strikes Numbers. Lee threw Joey Numbers over the top rope. (Elimination # 1) Chris Nowinski hits a right hand on Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti. Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti got eliminated by Nowinski. (Elimination # 2) Uninspiring brawling from Barry Windham. Repo Man got eliminated by Windham. (Elimination # 3) Chop from HTM on Jindrak. HTM threw Mark Jindrak over the top rope. (Elimination # 4) Austin Lee hits a rolling kick on Nowinski. Austin Lee strikes Nowinski. Nowinski gets slammed. Spock tried to eliminate Chris Nowinski, who hung onto the top rope. Weak bodyslam on Estrada by Windham. Windham threw Paunch Estrada over the top rope. (Elimination # 5) Driven DDT by Austin Lee. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Lee went for the elimination, but Chris Nowinski held on to the ropes. Spock slams Chris Nowinski. Spock tried to get Chris Nowinski over the top rope, but Gravity made the save. Uninspiring brawling from Chris Nowinski. Nowinski tried to eliminate Jimmy Jack Spock, who hung onto the top rope. Chop from HTM on Lee. Austin Lee got bundled out by HTM. (Elimination # 6) Kick from HTM, showing his awesome grasp of technical wrestling. HTM tried to get Chris Nowinski over the top rope, but Gravity made the save. Chris Nowinski hits a right hand on Barry Windham. Barry Windham was eliminated by Nowinski. (Elimination # 7) Spear by Jimmy Jack Spock. Spock went for the elimination, but Chris Nowinski held on to the ropes. Chris Nowinski hits a right hand on Honky Tonk Man. Honky Tonk Man got bundled out by Nowinski. (Elimination # 8) Nowinski gets slammed. Jimmy Jack Spock with a spinning neckbreaker on Nowinski. Chris Nowinski is in trouble. Vulcan Death Grip!!! That shook the ring. Chris Nowinski was eliminated by Spock. I don't rate battle royals.

Winner: Jimmy Jack Spock

(That’s one hell of a nerve hold to shake the ring like that. Notice how Windham throws Estrada out to payoff the storyline point I threw in earlier. It doesn’t really add jack shit to the match, but it shows I’m trying. I put my most over and best wrestlers in this match and it does about as well as an NWA:TNA dark match between Naked Mideon and Don Harris. Can I get fired from my own EWR fed? I think we might find out soon.)

Overall Rating: 55%

Crowd Reaction: 52%

Match Quality: 58%

 

Sandman runs down to the ring. Ok, he kind of staggers in crooked diagonal lines, but he gets there. Sandman asks Windham if he can see the Gonad Whacker for a moment. Sure…d’oh! Sandman beats Jimmy Jack Spock with the Gonad Whacker until he busts the bat and cracks his head open. Paramedics come to cart Jimmy Jack Spock off. Bud Selig just happens to be in the audience, sees that the Gonad Whacker was corked and suspends Sandman from Major League Baseball for 9 games. Damn, and he just signed a contract with the Marlins and everything.

Segment Rating: 73%

 

Show Rating: 63%

TV Rating: 1.85

Attendance: 363 people who get riled up over the threat of dead puppies, but don’t bat an eyelash at gallons of menstrual blood and a man nearly getting bludgeoned to death with a ball bat.

[Guest Lightning Flik]

GOD NO~! DON'T GET FIRED~! WAH~!! I LOVE THIS STUFF~! KEEP IT UP~!

[Guest the 1inch punch]

Paunch needs a CHIPS-esque finisher

 

may i suggest

 

The Estrada Straddle

The Poncherello Plancha

 

Thats all i got

 

However, since Worf in DS9 played Jed Turner in Chips, and angle with Jimmy Jack Spock has money

 

 

and really, who DOESNT want to see Jorge Estrada against Shawn Stasiak

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

his finisher is the "7-Mary-3," which was Paunch's call number on CHiPs.

 

I should have another show up tomorrow.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

Thats cool...and even better

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but the Miserly Jew’s Potato Hour has gone back to a late night shift, as USA wasn’t digging the ratings in prime time. Of course, as soon as I changed the show back to late evening they were totally in love with the ratings, considering that the last ratings they had were from prime time and they were comparing them to a late night slot. Maybe Vince is a genius for breaking away from them.

 

The Miserly Jew’s Potato Hour for Saturday, July 12th 2003

Taped at Random Intervals from the Plumbing (aka-The basement of the Toilet)

Hosts: Steve Michael Payton and The Honky Tonk Man

 

Stetson Gives His Heat to Lukewarm Shit Singles Match for the Lukewarm Shit Title

Austin Lee vs "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson:

Lee hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Standing leg lariat by Austin Lee on Stetson. Hard back suplex on Stetson. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Stetson takes a flying neckbreaker from Austin Lee. Lee drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Big forearm by Stetson, which was thrown so badly that Misawa is probably doubled-up with laughter somewhere. Stetson hits a stump piledriver on Austin Lee. Cover for a two count. Austin Lee elbows "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson in the face to break a hammerlock. Super frankensteiner on Stetson, who hit hard. There's a two count on the pin. Tornado DDT from Austin Lee, Stetson got planted. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Stetson blocks a punch. "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson hits a weak punch on Austin Lee. Lee counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Driven DDT by Austin Lee. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Austin Lee has "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson down on the canvas. "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson gets locked in the Crimson Cloverleaf! Submission victory! Stetson grabs the referee, then nails him with a right hand! Dozens of people hit the ring to stop any further incident. This one gets * rating and likes it.

Winner: Austin Lee

(I’m thinking our Hot Shit World Title is the same Hot Shit belt Tony Stetson held in my XPW. I’d write that down, there might be a quiz later. The Crimson Cloverleaf…is that what the kids are calling marijuana these days. I’m so out of touch, there was a time I was the bee’s knees. Terry Funk is more with it and all he does since the mind meld is slump in the corner and watch the Teletubbies. He likes the gay one with a purse.)

Overall Rating: 51%

Crowd Reaction: 40%

Match Quality: 62%

 

Jimmy Jack Spock and T’Pol are in the back, they are pissed (well, as pissed as Vulcans get) over the Sandman attacking Spock at the end of Steaming Funk. “Man of Sand, I will grind your bones into paste and use them to plaster the walls in my Temple of Enormity. The Children of Justice and Rule shall scribble pictures of cats and milkshakes on your vacant walls to color my world with love! Made up word, made up word, snarl, look to the sky, talk to my hand, I’m coming for you Sandman! Hey…that’s a rhyme, tubular!”

Chris Nowinski wanders in and challenges Spock to a match tonight for eliminating him from the battle royale on Steaming Funk…or something like that, hell he doesn’t know. He and Austin Lee were smoking some of the Crimson Cloverleaf and Nowinski is all kinds of fucked up. Got any fudge rounds?

Segment Rating: 68%

 

Ok, so We’re Trying to NOT Tank the Ratings and We book this Tag Team Match for the Hot Shit Tag Titles?

The Fat Boys vs 2 Tickets 2 Paradise:

Some weak shots by Ahmed. Big forearm by Ahmed, which was thrown so badly that Misawa is probably doubled-up with laughter somewhere. There's a two count on the pin. Tag to Mark Henry. The Fat Boys whip Dinero into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. Hooks the leg for a two count. Weak slam from Henry. Dinero counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Spinning bulldog in the corner, Henry is down. Cover for a two count. Tag between Julio Dinero and GQ Money. Brutal forearm by GQ. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Henry walks into a spinning heel kick, evidently feeling that the 'duck' tactic is over-rated. Henry blocks the suplex attempt. Mark Henry hits a big clothesline, not of the 'from Hell' variety. Tag to Ahmed Johnson. GQ takes a weak kick. Tag to Julio Dinero. Ahmed Johnson hits a weak elbow on Julio Dinero. As Henry and Dinero get into a brawl on the outside, Marty Fuckin' Jannetty comes running down into the ring! Julio Dinero gets grabbed, and they start brawling. Ahmed takes some shots at Dinero as well. The referee, seeing the chaos, calls for a no contest ruling. We have a three-way stand off in the ring, as The Fat Boys, 2 Tickets 2 Paradise and Whump Ass Express look at each other. They all charge forward, and a three-way brawl erupts in the ring! Security and a pile of referees hit the ring to stop the carnage. Yuck. DUD.

Winner: The Glory of Kicking Ass

(Misawa would like you all to know that he still isn’t laughing. Wait…there’s no mention of Tony Stetson. So, Marty Jannetty beat up five guys, including The Fat Boys’ manager Heavy D, all by himself and caused a no contest? That folks is why he is Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty, or perhaps a good reason why most of the roster sucks.)

Overall Rating: 44%

Crowd Reaction: 39%

Match Quality: 49%

 

Ahmed Johnson, Mark Henry and Heavy D are walking through the back after their loss. They’re all sweaty, but then again they’re always all sweaty. You should see the sweat fly on seafood buffet night at Ponderosa from these guys. Ahmed is pissed at Henry for the loss. He hasn’t been the same since he dropped all that weight on Stacker 2. He says that he ain’t fat no more. Henry ain’t fat! A beat comes up in the background and Mark Henry blows up like a balloon. The Fat Boys sing and dance to Weird Al’s Fat song. I’d reprint it here, but I’m sure you know it (really, it’s copywrite laws and you don’t want Weird Al coming down on me with an iron fist for parodying his parody. Actually, I’m going somewhere with this. Trust me, I know I said this before and produced nothing but Joey Numbers, but you have to think the odds are in my favor this time. Consider Henry to be a walking poster child for cholesterol again.)

Segment Rating: 49%

 

Screw T’Pol, Can You Get Me Janeway’s Phone Number Singles Match

Jimmy Jack Spock vs “Pussy Magnet” Chris Nowinski:

Jimmy Jack Spock fires off some right and left hands. Nowinski receives some punishment. Flying shoulder tackle by Spock sends Nowinski to the mat. Spock slams Chris Nowinski down. Chris Nowinski elbows Jimmy Jack Spock in the face to break a hammerlock. Spock takes a vertical suplex. Weak bodyslam by Nowinski. Cover for a two count. Spock drops out the back of a Chris Nowinski bodyslam attempt. Full nelson slam on Nowinski. Cover for a two count. Death valley driver by Jimmy Jack Spock, Chris Nowinski is down and hurt. Pin, but Nowinski is out just before the three count. Chris Nowinski fights out of a grapple. Spock receives some unexciting punishment. Spock blocks a punch. Fallaway slam by Jimmy Jack Spock. Chris Nowinski can barely stand. Here it comes - Fisherman's Suplex. 1....2...3, it's finished. Sandman comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Spock turns around...straight into a White Russian Legsweep!! Jimmy Jack Spock has been left down on the canvas. ** rating for this one. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling.

Winner: Jimmy Jack Spock

(We got a “Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling.” I’m thrilled; break out the chilled Snapple. This is probably the best we can hope for, considering it’s Chris Nowinski vs. Shawn Stasiak with a run-in by the Sandman. The Heroes of Wrestling organizers look down on me. And the run-in consisted of a leg sweep. That’s almost as bad as Villano IV’s old magistral cradle beat downs in the XPW. But I’m surprised that the Sandman actually found his way to the building tonight, let alone his ability to perform an actual wrestling move, so I’m tickled pink.)

Overall Rating: 62%

Crowd Reaction: 65%

Match Quality: 57%

 

Show Rating: 56%

TV Rating: 1.18

Attendance: 361 people who should have stayed home and watched the show on Frank’s 2000 inch T.V.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

You stuck two heels in there and still got a 65% crowd rating?

 

Man, you are something

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

Jimmy Jack Spock is a face. Sorry, not that impressive now is it.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

my mistake, sorry, etc, etc

[Guest the 1inch punch]

BUMP

[Guest Suicide King]

This... is a thing of beauty.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

It would be if it was updated any time soon

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

Sorry. I was busy writing a ppv match for the SWF last week, then went out of town this past weekend and just returned home. With a few more things on my plate to catch up on I should have a new show up by Wednesday and then hopefully another on the heels of that this weekend.

[Guest netslob]

yeah, see me holding my breath?

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

HSW Steaming Funk for Wednesday July 16th 2003

Live from the Toilet

Hosts: Joey Styles and Steve Michael Payton

 

Lighten Up, Whiskey is Kosher Tag Team Match

The Irish Wolfhounds vs Politically Incorrect:

The Miserly Jew hits a right hand on Davey Man Smith. The Miserly Jew misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Davey Man Smith with a spinning neckbreaker on MJ. Tag between Davey Man Smith and The Nitroglycerin Kid. Driven DDT by The Nitroglycerin Kid. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. The Nitroglycerin Kid hits a rolling kick on MJ. The Miserly Jew powers out of a The Nitroglycerin Kid headlock. MJ flattens The Nitroglycerin Kid. Tag to The Drunk Irishman. Lame kick from Irishman. The Drunk Irishman hits a right hand on The Nitroglycerin Kid. The Nitroglycerin Kid pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Hard back suplex on Irishman. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Tag between The Nitroglycerin Kid and Davey Man Smith. Tiger suplex on Irishman, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Running knee lift from Davey Man Smith. The Drunk Irishman is in big trouble...Double Wolfhound!! 1....2....3! Midnight Express just hit the ring with chairs! Stereo chair shots put down The Irish Wolfhounds! Irishman tries to attack, but gets beaten to the floor with punches and kicks. The Miserly Jew has a brief offensive flurry, but gets nailed with a boot to the gut...and hit with the Rocket Launcher! Midnight Express have laid everyone out! Rating: 1\2 star.

Winner: Irish Wolfhounds

(“Midnight Express just hit the ring with chairs” wouldn’t it be more effective if they hit the wrestlers with the chairs instead of the ring? Thank you I’ll be here all week, try the veal. Hey, Scott Keith is writing the match reviews you know; stop that groaning. And don’t worry, Politically Incorrect are not part of the “Jobbed Out of Existence Summer Tour.” It appears that ‘drunk Irish stereotype’ and ‘bitter Jewish stereotype’ fall under affirmative action.)

Overall Rating: 46%

Crowd Reaction: 32%

Match Quality: 60%

 

Deacon is in his office playing with that silver ball thing where you smack one ball into the rest and they swing back and forth forever. It’s standard office equipment. The door flies open and in runs…Weird Al Yankovich? That’s right, Weird Al Yankovich has come to sue Deacon for parodying his “Fat” parody on the Miserly Jew’s Potato Hour. Deacon says, “Isn’t that ironic, don’t you think?” To which Weird Al replies, “It’s like rain on your wedding day…wait that’s not ironic at all.” Weird Al has recently got screwed over by Eminem by him not letting Al make a video of his Lose Yourself parody, so he’s pissed off and is going to start protecting his work too (if you don’t think about that too long, it’s almost a logical explanation of why Weird Al is in the HSW). Gee, Deacon thought Weird Al was a pretty nice guy. “No, I’m a real motherfucker.” (imagine Weird Al saying that and it’s pretty funny)

Segment Rating: 76%

 

Hated Tag Rivals Square Off in Heatless Singles Match

"Hot Shit" Tony Stetson vs Julio Dinero:

Dinero takes a weak kick. "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson strikes Julio Dinero. "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson strikes Julio Dinero. Dinero takes a weak clothesline. Julio Dinero comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Dinero uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Lightning kick by Dinero on Stetson. There's a two count on the pin. Stetson counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Stetson hits a stump piledriver on Julio Dinero. Hooks the leg for a two count. Side suplex from Stetson. Shades of Dino Bravo there, although even Dino could execute it better than Stetson. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Dinero powers out of a headlock. Julio Dinero scores with a back heel kick on Stetson. "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson hits a big clothesline, not of the 'from Hell' variety. Lady Victoria has climbed up onto the apron and starts masturbating with a cucumber! Dinero turns...and falls for the distraction! "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson attacks Dinero from behind! "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson moves in for the kill. Here it comes - Hot Shit Blaster. 1....2...3, it's finished. Julio Dinero slides to the outside and grabs a chair, then climbs back into the ring. Lady turns around...and gets planted with a huge chair shot to the head! She is left down and out on the canvas. I'll give a 1\2 star rating

Winner: “Hot Shit” Tony Stetson

(After Lady Victoria is caught masturbating with a cucumber it’s a little odd for Tony Stetson to attack from behind. What exactly he’s attacking with, I’ll leave up to Vince Russo’s imagination. But you’ve got to love the face knocking out a woman with a chair. I left that one up to the imagination of Paul Heyman.)

Overall Rating: 48%

Crowd Reaction: 44%

Match Quality: 53%

 

Weird Al Yankovich is in the back looking for a phone so he can call into the Dr. Demento show and get songs off his new album on the Funny Five. He runs into a fat, black, sweaty wall and I don’t mean Starr Jones. Ahmed Johnson and Mark Henry are blocking Weird Al’s path and won’t let him by. “You guys collecting pork chops for the homeless or something.” No, the Fat Boys aren’t too happy with Weird Al coming down on the Deacon for their “Fat” parody. They worked weeks on that number; Paula Abdul even did the choreography. Cut to Paula Abdul tied to a chair and gagged while Heavy D sings “I’m Still in Love with You” by Al Green and gyrates over her. Cut back to the Fat Boys stalking closer and closer to Weird Al. “Seriously guys, can’t we discuss this over a Twinkie wiener sandwich.” The Fat Boys pick Weird Al up and shove him into a conveniently placed trashcan and wander off. A folded in half Al kicks his feet and tries to free himself. “Man this reminds me of Junior High. Actually, come to think of it, U2 did this to me at the Grammy’s this year as well.”

Segment Rating: 47%

 

Hated Tag Rivals Square Off in a Heatless Singles Match, Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

Marty Fuckin' Jannetty vs GQ Money:

Dropkick connects, GQ goes down. Spinning back kick from Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. Driven DDT by Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? GQ blocks a kick from Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. Right hand from GQ on Jannetty. Suplex into a front slam from GQ, but the execution was crap. There's a two count on the pin. Jannetty kicks GQ Money in the gut to reverse the momentum. Super frankensteiner on GQ, who hit hard. Cover for a two count. Back heel kick off the second rope, GQ goes down. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Marty Fuckin' Jannetty gets taken down out of nowhere. GQ Money snap suplexes Jannetty, and somewhere Dynamite Kid groans at that crappy execution. GQ walks into a trip. Marty Fuckin' Jannetty hits a rolling kick on GQ. Marty Fuckin' Jannetty ducks a GQ clothesline and does a quick roll up. Jannetty has a handful of tights! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! The fight has started up again! Marty Fuckin' Jannetty attacks GQ, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

Winner: Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty

(I’ll be happy as hell when EWR 4.0 comes out and I can start using Dames for match reviews instead of Scott Keith. Frankly, I don’t give a damn where the Nowhere factory is and I’m going to bring Gordon Gecko in to help the guys with their selling, so he can stop harping on it. Also, The Nitroglycerin Kid thought that snap suplex was just fine and that’s all that matters to me.)

Overall Rating: 59%

Crowd Reaction: 51%

Match Quality: 67%

 

Deacon is in his office now playing with that thing made of silver pegs that you press your hand into and leave an impression. Weird Al runs back in, picking a banana peel out of his hair. Deacon asks what happened. Al replies, “those two…two…sideshow freak rejects crammed me into a trashcan!” Hey, ‘Sideshow Freak Rejects’ that’s a good tag team name, Deacon will have to write that down. Yankovich now threatens to sue the Fat Boys too. Deacon thinks fast and suggests that Weird Al might be more satisfied if he took the Fat Boys on in a tag team match. “Yes! Of course, I a non-trained wrestler and skinny singing star will take on two barely trained wrestlers who could eat me dipped in gravy as soon as look at me.” Deacon books the match for next week and suggests that Weird Al find himself a tag team partner. “Don’t worry, I have the perfect killing machine picked out. None will survive his horrible onslaught! BWAHAHAHA!” Yankovich laughs evilly. Uh, Al, you’re what we call the face, try to act more like a good guy. “Uh…yeah…excuse me, I have to go help a bunch of old ladies cross the street and punch abortion doctors in the face.”

Segment Rating: 76%

 

I Still Might Be Carless, but I Get to Ride Bitch on Paunch’s Motorcycle Hardcore Tag Match

Memphis Mafia vs Jindrak \ Estrada:

Mark Jindrak hits a rolling kick on Bilvis. Power drive elbow by Paunch Estrada. Estrada \ Jindrak whip Bilvis into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. Mark Jindrak drives a table into Dissy. Bilvis powers out of a headlock. Uninspiring brawling from Disgraceland. Dissy rams Jindrak into a table. Face-first suplex from Bilvis, but not done well. Disgraceland strikes Mark Jindrak. Honky Tonk Man comes running down the aisle with a chair! Dissy and Mark Jindrak continue fighting, unaware of the intrusion. Honky Tonk Man slides in and blasts Mark Jindrak with a chair to the head! HTM climbs out of the ring, the damage done! Mark Jindrak can barely stand. Here it comes - Shake Rattle and Roll. 1....2...3, it's finished. Jindrak \ Estrada are left down and out in the ring thanks to the attack of Bilvis, Dissy and HTM. Rating: 1\2 star.

Winners: Memphis Mafia

(It’s Chair-o-rama night at the Toilet! Everyone gets hit with chairs! All chairs must go! That was a lame hardcore match though. Two table shots and HTM interference with a chair. Then again, I bitch about rubber dinosaurs and kayaks…except when Sophie brings them into the bedroom. Yowza!)

Overall Rating: 47%

Crowd Reaction: 40%

Match Quality: 54%

 

The Sandman is in the back stirring a bloody Mary with the taped together gonad whacker. After he’s pretty sure she’s dead, Sandman makes himself a drink. Redneck Jesus Barry Windham comes in and demands that Sandman give him back the gonad whacker. Barry only said he could borrow it and didn’t know Sandman was going to bust it over Jimmy Jack Spock’s head. At least he had the decency to duct tape it back together. Sandman calls Windham an Indian giver. Windham has never given away a Native American in his life, sold a few sure, but who hasn’t. Borrow means you give something back you know. Hell, Sandman still has Ian Rotten’s weed whacker. If Windham wants the gonad whacker back he’ll have to fight him for it. Seriously, I’ve seen matches booked for worst reasons.

Segment Rating: 65%

 

Jimmy Jack Spock vs Mark Henry:

Spock hits a right hand. Mark Henry reverses a hip toss. Weak kick from Henry. Henry whips Spock into the turnbuckles...and predictably, the referee gets sandwiched. Sloppy tornado punch from Mark Henry, Spock barely got hit. Cover, but there's no one to count for Mark Henry. Jimmy Jack Spock powers out of a Mark Henry headlock. Big clothesline on Henry. Nice piledriver on Henry. Cover for a two count. Lifting DDT by Jimmy Jack Spock, looked good. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Mark Henry ducks a clothesline attempt. Powerslam from Mark Henry on Spock. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Jimmy Jack Spock reverses a hip toss. Mark Henry is in trouble. Pumphandle Slam! 1....2....3. This one gets * rating and likes it.

Winner: Jimmy Jack Spock

(Spock’s secondary finisher is a pumphandle slam? People wonder why Shawn Stasiak never got over. Well…really no one does, I just thought it was the proper thing to say there. Ahmed Johnson runs out post match. For a beat down? No, he heard the referee got sandwiched and brought out some mayo to eat him with. Thanks, thanks, you’re too kind, be sure to tip your waitresses.)

Overall Rating: 54%

Crowd Reaction: 55%

Match Quality: 53%

 

A mind wiped Terry Funk is shown curled up in a corner in the fetal position, drooling and playing with string. He notices the camera and screams “pudding makes my tummy tingle” then goes back to playing with his string.

Segment Rating: 77% (sorrowfully this was the highest rated segment of the show)

 

Moonshine Mash for Rights to the Gonad Whacker and the HSW World Title (but who wants that old thing)

Sandman vs Redneck Jesus Barry Windham:

Sandman hits some weak-looking punches. Barry Windham powers out of a Sandman headlock. Weak headbutt on Sandman by Windham. We have our mandatory ref bump, as he goes down after accidentally getting caught by an elbow to the face. Barry Windham scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Cover, but there's no one to count for Barry Windham. Sandman reverses a hip toss. Uninspiring brawling from Sandman. Powerslam from Sandman on Windham. Hooks the leg for a two count. Sandman drops Windham with a clothesline. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Windham backdrops Sandman out of a piledriver attempt. Weak bodyslam by Windham. Pin, but Sandman is out just before the three count. Sandman ducks a wild right hand. Chris Nowinski comes running down the aisle with a chair! Sandman whips Barry Windham into the ropes. Nowinski jumps onto the apron with the chair! Collision between Nowinski, Windham, and the chair! Barry Windham staggers back into a roll up! 1...2...3! It's over! Sandman and Nowinski are beating the hell out of Barry Windham! Jimmy Jack Spock sprints down the aisle and slides into the ring! He goes toe-to-toe with Sandman, exchanging punches, while Barry Windham comes back, sending Nowinski out of the ring with a clothesline. Spock \ Windham have cleared the ring, driving off Sandman and Nowinski! I'm going to give this a ** rating because i'm in a generous mood.

Winner: Sandman

(It’s referee bump night at the Toilet! All referees must go down like Lady Victoria at a Vacuum Cleaner Salesman Convention! Sandman now owns the gonad whacker and is going to install a bottle opener and a corkscrew for his drinking needs. He’s going to turn it into a regular Swiss Army bat. Barry Windham thinks that Jimmy Jack Spock is ok to pal around with, but those pointy ears seem awfully queer to him. He looks like one of them Kiebler Elves and we all know they’re gayer than a picnic basket. I’d come up with more, but “Banacek” is coming on. I swear, George Peppard was the pimpingest pimp to ever pimp the pimp.)

Overall Rating: 61%

Crowd Reaction: 66%

Match Quality: 52%

 

Show Rating: 59%

TV Rating: 1.81

Attendance: 368 wonder hamsters

[Guest Zack Malibu]

Hey Deacon, since you're a sucker for the obscure pop-culture references and 80's trivia, here's an idea. Hire the "other guy" from WHAM! to record a new theme for Mark Jindrak...

 

Carless Whisper.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

Now THAT is a funny idea. I'll see if I can't do something with that.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

His name was Andrew Ridgely, if that helps

[Guest the 1inch punch]

Better yet, although i might be getting into "Zack Malibu slavering over the eXXXiles mode" here, hire two jobbers and call them Wham, and name there finish the Club Tropicana Rana

 

Amazing what i think about in work

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

The other EWR fed I was playing for fun went bankrupt. Try to pay Booker T’s salary on a cult level budget and you’ll wish Triple H was there to hold his ass down. So, now I’m running Jacques Rougeaus’ FLI and boy is that messed up. Half the roster can’t talk and the other half are tweeners. Plus all my main eventers are Jacques’ relatives I can’t do anything with. Lord help me, I’m stuck pushing Kurrgan as a main event heel. I wouldn’t even do that to you guys here.

 

The Miserly Jew’s Potato Hour for Saturday, July 19th 2003

Taped at Random Intervals from the Plumbing (aka-The basement of the Toilet)

Hosts: Steve Michael Payton and The Honky Tonk Man

 

Is That a Billy Club in Your Pocket or Are you Just Happy to See me Singles Match

Paunch Estrada vs Bilvis Wesley:

Kick from Paunch Estrada to the leg. Kick from Paunch Estrada to the leg. Spin kick by Paunch Estrada to the face. Driven DDT by Paunch Estrada. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Bilvis Wesley elbows Paunch Estrada in the face to break a hammerlock. Uninspiring brawling from Bilvis Wesley. Powerslam from Bilvis Wesley on Estrada. There's a two count on the pin. Bilvis Wesley gets taken down out of nowhere. Super frankensteiner on Bilvis, who hit hard. Hooks the leg for a two count. DDT from the top rope by Paunch Estrada. That looked brutal. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Bilvis Wesley pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Sluggish brawling from Bilvis. Estrada counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Flying elbow from Paunch Estrada. Bilvis Wesley gets knocked to the ground by Estrada. Dusty Elbow!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. DUD.

Winner: Paunch Estrada

(Estrada’s secondary finisher is the Dusty Elbow? I assume they mean the Bionic Elbow, but Scott Keith is a dumbass (yeah, I know that’s like saying the sun will rise tomorrow morning). I think that needs changed, I’m thinking something even lamer like a discuss punch and we’ll call it the Paunch Punch. Why I’m not already out of business, I have no idea. Notice how Bilvis takes a super frankensteiner and a top rope DDT and still kicks out, he’s a regular Paul Roma with the no-selling. Is Paul Roma in the game? I should bring him in to no-sell jobbers and fuck shit up.)

Overall Rating: 45%

Crowd Reaction: 35%

Match Quality: 55%

 

Stan Lane is in the back with Coat Rack Steven Richards to discuss his upcoming match with Davey Man Smith. Lane would like to take issue with the fact that people have been talking behind his and Bobby Eaton’s back on how they’re old and crazy. They know that not every team they face is the Rock ‘n Roll Express. With those funny accents, it’s obvious that they’re currently feuding with the Southern Boys and tonight, Tracy Smothers is going down in singles action. Cut to the Irish Wolfhounds standing off to the side. Smith laughs, “Ha! That makes you Brad Armstrong. You’re cursed!” The Nitroglycerin Kid snaps his fingers and curses, “Ah, shit!” A piano promptly falls on him like in a Road Runner cartoon and he waddles out from underneath folded up like an accordion. Weird Al has the strange urge to play him, but the physics of doing that is just silly.

Segment Rating: 76%

 

This Singles Match will Make You Insane if You Think About it for Too Long

Davey Man Smith vs Stan Lane:

Davey Man Smith takes a right hand to the temple from Sweet Stan. Stan Lane strikes Davey Man Smith. Stan Lane strikes Davey Man Smith. Stan Lane with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on DMS. DMS backdrops Stan Lane out of a piledriver attempt. Flying shoulder tackle by DMS sends Sweet Stan to the mat. DMS hits a stump piledriver on Stan Lane. Hooks the leg for a two count. Sweet Stan reverses a Davey Man Smith hammerlock. Suplex into a front slam from Sweet Stan, but the execution was crap. Hooks the leg for a two count. Stan Lane turns DMS inside-out with a clothesline. Hooks the leg for a close fall. DMS blocks a kick from Stan Lane. Stiff chop lights up Sweet Stan. Sweet Stan ducks a wild right hand. Running clothesline from Stan Lane, sloppily done. Bobby Eaton comes running down the aisle and into the ring! Davey Man Smith turns around.... and gets floored! Bobby Eaton climbs the turnbuckles. Off the top - Alabama Jam!!! Eaton leaves the ring, the damage done! Cover gets three. Stan Lane pinned DMS. Sweet Stan and Eaton are putting the boots to Davey Man Smith! The Nitroglycerin Kid comes running down the aisle with a chair! He slides in, sending Midnight Express running for cover. The Nitroglycerin Kid saved DMS from a major beating. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

Winner: Stan Lane

(The Nitroglycerin Kid didn’t get the memo, but mass chair run-ins were on the last show. Bobby and Stan debate on whether the guys in the ring are really the Southern Boys or the Young Pistols. Trust me, you don’t want to ponder that yourself. Either way, they “were raised on 100 proof and washed in the blood of the lamb.” Remember that was the Southern Boys’ catchphrase when they turned heel? Probably not, because who remembers catchphrases from early ‘90’s WCW? Me obviously, but I have powers beyond those mortal men. The chair in the Kid’s hand rises up and smacks him full in the face with a will of its own. Damn Armstrong Curse and he’s not even an Armstrong.)

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 51%

Match Quality: 63%

 

The picture gets all snowy and when it clears up, Weird Al Yankovich is standing there holding a pair of antennas wrapped with tin foil and jammed into a potato. It’s time for Al TV! Weird Al just wants to let the Fat Boys know that he’s found a tag team partner for the match on Steaming Funk and they better be crapping in their drawers over who he is. (Actually they’re crapping in their drawers, because they accidentally bought a whole bag of Olestra potato chips and scarfed them down). Al has been working out too, he’s even built his own ring to train in. The camera pulls back to show a Care Bears sleeping bag folded in half with card board tubes sticking out of it and secured with rubber bands for ropes. Yankovich has a finishing move that will put the Fat Boys lights out, the Stone Cold Cuts Cutter. “See I took Steve Austin’s finisher and made a food pun out of it. Isn’t that genius? I’m the funniest man alive!”

Segment Rating: 74%

 

I’m Sure This Would Draw in an Alternate Universe Where Everyone Has Goatees Singles Match

Jimmy Jack Spock vs Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti:

Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Flying cross body off the top rope! I'll give a 0.8 on the Steamboat scale for that effort. There's a two count on the pin. Chetti only gets knees on a splash. Chanelling the spirit of Misawa, Jimmy Jack Spock uses a forearm to the face. Back elbow connects, Chetti staggers backward. Cover for a two count. Spear! Chetti is down and hurt. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Back elbow connects, Chetti staggers backward. Chetti reverses a waistlock. Spock takes a hurrancarana from Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti. There's a two count on the pin. Tiger suplex on Spock, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Pin, but Spock is out just before the three count. Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti hits a rolling kick on Spock. Kick from Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti to the leg. Spock blocks a kick from Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti. Spock slams Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti down. Jimmy Jack Spock scores with a big spinebuster. Sandman just slid into the ring out of nowhere! Sandman has a chair, and drops Spock and Chetti with devastating blows, causing the referee to call for the bell. This match has been ruled a no contest! We have a three-way stand off in the ring, as Jimmy Jack Spock, Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti and Sandman look at each other. They all charge forward, and a three-way brawl erupts in the ring! Security and a pile of referees hit the ring to stop the carnage. Worth a ** rating, but no more than that.

Winner: Jimmy Jack Spock

(With all the staggering you would think Spock was wrestling Sandman. Thank you I’ll be here all week, try the veal! I know I just recently did that joke, but does that stop Scott Keith? Hurry up 4.0, I need you Dames! Misawa tells me that his playbook is just an old Seattle Seahawks playbook from 1988 crammed full of meatloaf recipes from Betty Crocker cookbooks. Yes, I have a hotline phone to Misawa. It’s kind of like the bat phone, but it’s not toll free and calling Japan can be expensive. I have to go watch the end of Zapped! on Comedy Central now, so be happy with what you got here.)

Overall Rating: 62%

Crowd Reaction: 55%

Match Quality: 69%

 

Show Rating: 62%

TV Rating: 1.20

Attendance: 368 people who wished they were hamsters, because then their tiny brains might have enjoyed the show.

[Guest Zack Malibu]

Better yet, although i might be getting into "Zack Malibu slavering over the eXXXiles mode" here, hire two jobbers and call them Wham, and name there finish the Club Tropicana Rana

 

Amazing what i think about in work

The Carless Whisper thing (which I also thought of at work...the things that labor can do to you, lol) could work, however if you REALLY want to delve into the obscure-yet-funny, have Deacon hire a few Mexican wrestlers that are revealed to be the missing members of Menudo, who have trained in seclusion to take vengeance on the world and Ricky Martin.

 

Hell, hire Ricky Marvin (his stats are like 90 for speed, good pickup there) and have them mistakenly target him. Good wrestler vs. bad wrestler + comedy + obscure 80's references + cheesy music=gold.