your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 6/12/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

If the wife gets back soon from her book club, I`m gonna go watch the wrestling down at the Shockoe Bottom so this might not make to the mighty mighty main event that my Secret Thursday Quasi-Spoiler Caller hinted at. Either way, here we go....

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- Rey Rey has the belt and I`m assuming that it will lead to quality matches. Matt MOTHERFUCKING Hardy is PIIISSSSED! He beats the fuck out of his useless MFers who are the stupid motherfuckers WHO COST HIM THE BELT! Fuck yeah! Stupid bastards! Costing Matt the belt! Hey, the rematch. Matt attacks early and Rey fires back! Matt hits the sweet lariat in the corner and then they go to the finishers? The crappy WWE bulldog that makes TomK puke his guts up is by-passed by Rey Rey as he hits an actual headlocked bulldog- salvaging some love for a match too short. From there, they kinda kick out of each other`s finishers for a while- and Rey Rey selling his groin well isn`t going to make this a five star affair. Rey Rey kicking out of 10 finishers isn`t good. Flash pin in 4 minutes is perfectly fine I guess. Not actually anything really good or transcendent in this but in the whole spectrum of wrestling, this would have to qualify for the ``worked`` column.

 

- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON-

The Molly Hatchet screeched from Skandar`s Alpines: ``Got a gator in the bushes- she`s callin` my name- saying c`mon boy, let me take you back home again...``

 

``Skandar, mein freunde, if you ever ask me to smell your finger again, I svear to GOTT zat I vill kill you with mein own two hands.``

 

``Oh fuck that, motherfucker. You`re my boy and I wanted to share with you how fuckin clean Becky is, man. She is completely BAAAD. I mean just fuckin` BAAAAD. I swear to God I`ll be fucking her before the summer is over. I fuckin guarantee it.``

 

``Skandar, you are zo full of shit. It isn`t that I do not vish for you to enjoy the pleasure of love- no matter how smelly and grotesque, it is just that your lust is so shallow. Why do you bodder me mit your tales of debauchery when all I care about is love. TRUE love...``

 

``HA! Fuck that shit. Look, Raschke, you can spend all summer holding hands and picking flowers and knitting fuckin doilies with your girly friend. I, my brothah, am going to get as much pussy as I POSSIBLY can. I mean FUCK IT. I heard Becky sucked Tray`s dick on the band ski trip last year so I figure she`ll suck mine soon enough if I keep taker her to the movies every Friday. Then one thing leads to another and soon- Complete Dick Maintenance.``

 

``Sounds like a plan. Maybe she vill donate the penicillan for your herpes, herr Akbar...``

 

``Oh fuck you, man.`` They laugh and laugh. ``But FUCK IT. I`d do a few rounds of penicillan to get a piece of THAT ass...``

 

``You repulse me, my redneck friend... pull over to ze store and let`s get some derelict to buy us some of your vatery, piss-like American beer.``

 

``Now you`re talking, motherfucker! WOOOOOOOO!`` Skandar cranks up the Hatchet and gets a wheel. ``Dreams! I got my dreams! To Remember! Ah Yeah! And I been strung up.. on dreams- I`m never gonna see yeah.``

 

``Herr Akbar, I vill tell you now- Molly Hatchet does very much fucking rule.``

 

TO BE CONTINUED.

 

- UT defeats the Sicilian Mulkeys and UT bumps big for some reason. The Bull wrestles right in the middle of all wrestling by looking offensively like a thicker Johnny Swinger. UT takes the backbumps for him and then does hilarious punches before ending it all with a Last Ride. Why do I suddenly like the Undertaker? Palumbo punches UT in the face postmatch and this is SO in the ``Worked`` column. Oh, I know why I like UT now. He bumps big and also does the Road Warrior Shoulder Block better than either Road Warrior ever did.

 

- Kurt Angle the face is soooo not fun. TEAM ANGLE were fun AND THEY ARE RIGHT! WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU, ANGLE! THEY WERE IN A FUCKING LADDER MATCH! FUCK YOU, ANGLE! HOW COULD YOU TURN YOUR BACK ON YOUR TEAM! You disgust me, Angle. YEAH! YOU LOST! YOU BROKE YOUR NECK! STUPID ANGLE, BREAKING HIS NECK WHEN BROCK DIDN`T BREAK SHELTON AND CHARLIE`S NECKS! YOU SUCK! Then Angle kicks TEAM ANGLE out of TEAM ANGLE and my disgust of Angle is complete. I can only hope that Shelton and Charlie find the guidance and leadership they DESERVE now that Angle has so completely FUCKED them. The fucker. Luckly, after the commercial, they beat the shit out of Angle and tell him to ``Shove it!`` YEAH! SHOVE IT, ANGLE!

 

- Fuck yeah! WEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeLLLLLLL, it`s the BIG SHOW! something something the Big Show! Something something something you`ll never knooooow.... Oh, the wrestling is down below the Mendoza line.

 

... or is it? Big Show bumps big. Brock bumps HUGE. First part of the match, Brock does the poor man`s version of Fit Finaly carrying Brian Nobbs by COMPLETELY wrestling the match by himself- jumping into Sidewalk Slams, feeding Show the leg for the half crab, what have you. Big Show takes the German and it looked GREAT because Big Show is such a gigantic load of fat. Brock sells the ribs after Tazz and Cole get the injury over. Big Show actually busted his ass in the second part of the match- as Brock sold the beating and Big Show actually did more than Irish Whips and Beal manuvoers. The finish was fucking awesome. I love a double knockout. My favorite Benoit vs Guerrerro match from WCW Saturday Night had that exact finish except neither where fat enough to destroy the ring. That was fun.

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-

 

- The Aquamarine lowrider was completely balls out. The Piper`s Pit segment was really stupid and Russo-like but at least it wasn`t long. O`Haire COMPLETELY pusses out on the belt shot. YOU`RE ON MOTHERFUCKING NATIONAL TV. LEAN INTO THE FUCKING BELT, YOU LOAD OF CRAP.

 

- Sable and Marty Jannetty have real sexual chemistry. Jannetty`s pecs are huge. He`s been working out.

 

 

 

- Rhyno and Benoit beat the hell out of the Bashams. Shaniqua completes the leather pants trifecta. Cole and Tazz talk about how CRAAAAZY the Basham Brothers are- as, on cue, they make with the most boring offense in wrestling history. THEY ARE CRAZY! OUT THERE! WACKY! Benoit tags in and beats them to death for a second before Rhyno causes Benoit/Rhyno to lose. Eh, Rhyno vs Benoit will be fun. Doug takes the Released German like a man.

 

- Mr America speaks to the little crippled boy in sentence fragments, encouraging him to strive for excellence. WWE trying to get political on me through overwrought allegory is too much to bear. Sable comes out while Stephanie is introducing the arm-wrestling. Stephanie is peeved and they are ruining the sexual chemistry that IGNITES when a broad-shouldered, Chicago Bears-esque woman and a leathery, squinty old hag feign like they are going to be bumping pussies at some point. Vince McMahon comes out and- between he and Hogan- there is a permeating rough trade leather boy bodybuilder vibe between the two that renders poor one-legged Zach Gowan completely transparent. He has the fifth biggest rack in the ring. Sixth, if you include the ref. Sable shows Hogan her fake titties and Hogan`s tiny shriveled testicles explode from the passion and he loses the armwrestling match because he is a big fucking loser who can`t control his mangled, festering penis long enough to help his friend out. Fucking pussy, way to let the guy who idolizes you down. Vince beating Gowan was pretty great though. The taunting was fabulous after the kicking out of Zack`s leg from under his leg. Zack`s acting was equally hilarious- making Sable`s wooden delivery and emoting look absolutely Streepian.

 

- Cena vs Funaki sucked. Worst. Death Valley Driver. Ever.

 

- Torrie is a special ring announcer for whatever reason. She does talk about what a piece of divine ass A-Train is and I (and you, the gentle reader) would dig the Torrie Fucks A-Train storyline. Think about it- the Frenching, the licking of A-Train`s backhair, the attempt to arouse Torrie`s numbed-by-surgery nipples, the matching thongs in the hot tub as the camera pans down as they are both getting up- it writes itself. Billy Gunn returns and they have a wrestling match. Billy isn`t feigning homosexuality so I could give a shit. Postmatch- after the nothing that was the match- has Torrie presenting like a mandrill * to a baffled Billy Gunn. They never show the defeated A-Train, his career in the toilet and now his new love CRUSHED by the magnificent ass of Billy Gunn. Who books this shit? We want big stinky hairy men with giant eyebrows fucking proxy strippers with big titties. What do WEEEE have to do to get some satisfaction?!?!?? Heterosexual Billy Gunn is soooo lame. See. See. See. See. See. See. What they NEED to do is have Billy use Torrie as his beard until that fateful day when the backstage camera captures Billy and A-Train tongue-wrestling over a Dannon yogurt cup- yogurt and banana cunks cascading down their cheeks as they frolick in the manly pleasure of forbidden tonguelove. Oh fuck you, you know you want to see that. Yeah you would.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

 

*One of my fave MST3K jokes. My all-time fave is ``I... am............. DORF.``

[Guest Ronixis]

The Molly Hatchet screeched from Skandar`s Alpines: ``Got a gator in the bushes- she`s callin` my name- saying c`mon boy, let me take you back home again...``

 

``Skandar, mein freunde, if you ever ask me to smell your finger again, I svear to GOTT zat I vill kill you with mein own two hands.``

 

``Oh fuck that, motherfucker. You`re my boy and I wanted to share with you how fuckin clean Becky is, man. She is completely BAAAD. I mean just fuckin` BAAAAD. I swear to God I`ll be fucking her before the summer is over. I fuckin guarantee it.``

 

``Skandar, you are zo full of shit. It isn`t that I do not vish for you to enjoy the pleasure of love- no matter how smelly and grotesque, it is just that your lust is so shallow. Why do you bodder me mit your tales of debauchery when all I care about is love. TRUE love...``

 

``HA! Fuck that shit. Look, Raschke, you can spend all summer holding hands and picking flowers and knitting fuckin doilies with your girly friend. I, my brothah, am going to get as much pussy as I POSSIBLY can. I mean FUCK IT. I heard Becky sucked Tray`s dick on the band ski trip last year so I figure she`ll suck mine soon enough if I keep taker her to the movies every Friday. Then one thing leads to another and soon- Complete Dick Maintenance.``

 

``Sounds like a plan. Maybe she vill donate the penicillan for your herpes, herr Akbar...``

 

``Oh fuck you, man.`` They laugh and laugh. ``But FUCK IT. I`d do a few rounds of penicillan to get a piece of THAT ass...``

 

``You repulse me, my redneck friend... pull over to ze store and let`s get some derelict to buy us some of your vatery, piss-like American beer.``

 

``Now you`re talking, motherfucker! WOOOOOOOO!`` Skandar cranks up the Hatchet and gets a wheel. ``Dreams! I got my dreams! To Remember! Ah Yeah! And I been strung up.. on dreams- I`m never gonna see yeah.``

 

``Herr Akbar, I vill tell you now- Molly Hatchet does very much fucking rule.``

 

Somebody give Dean a bookdeal...NOW.

 

Fuck yeah! WEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeLLLLLLL, it`s the BIG SHOW! something something the Big Show! Something something something you`ll never knooooow.... Oh, the wrestling is down below the Mendoza line.

 

... or is it? Big Show bumps big. Brock bumps HUGE. First part of the match, Brock does the poor man`s version of Fit Finaly carrying Brian Nobbs by COMPLETELY wrestling the match by himself- jumping into Sidewalk Slams, feeding Show the leg for the half crab, what have you. Big Show takes the German and it looked GREAT because Big Show is such a gigantic load of fat. Brock sells the ribs after Tazz and Cole get the injury over. Big Show actually busted his ass in the second part of the match- as Brock sold the beating and Big Show actually did more than Irish Whips and Beal manuvoers. The finish was fucking awesome. I love a double knockout. My favorite Benoit vs Guerrerro match from WCW Saturday Night had that exact finish except neither where fat enough to destroy the ring. That was fun.

 

Thats twice now Smackdown had well done title matches. Big Show has gotten better, and the ring imploding was a great touch. Lesnar (Still green however) sold that rib like the champ.

 

Rhyno and Benoit beat the hell out of the Bashams. Shaniqua completes the leather pants trifecta. Cole and Tazz talk about how CRAAAAZY the Basham Brothers are- as, on cue, they make with the most boring offense in wrestling history. THEY ARE CRAZY! OUT THERE! WACKY! Benoit tags in and beats them to death for a second before Rhyno causes Benoit/Rhyno to lose. Eh, Rhyno vs Benoit will be fun. Doug takes the Released German like a man.

 

How about that Linda Miles- Damn that goth look fine... Just lose the whip... that scares me...

 

On another note, whats up with the Bondage Mainstreaming these days... First a heath club, then Charlies Angels? I guess WHORLON~ is not far off...

[ChrisMWaters 0]

On another note, whats up with the Bondage Mainstreaming these days... First a heath club, then Charlies Angels? I guess WHORLON~ is not far off...

You forgot about WCW's Lea Meow.

[Guest goodhelmet]

completely off topic--- after reading dvdvr for x-amount of time, i realize how much i miss shawn michaels little hole in the wall promotion. here it is, you guys go to 1000 indy shows a year and i watch... nothing! life isn't fair

 

as for SD!...

 

could you imagine molly hatchet wrestling for wwe??? the only thing greater would be alan parsons coming down to the ring in a spaceship complete with ziggy stardust-era bowie makeup with a dio stageshow presentation. now THAT would make WWE interesting again.

 

i miss benoit receiving standing ovations for just wrestling and winning matches and being all mean and canadian. you could substitute any name in wwe for benoit and they would be the same person now. how sad is that???

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

A friend of mine spit in Molly Hatchet's pizza once. I thought was a bit harsh for a band with Frank Frazzetta album covers.

 

DEAN.

[Guest AndrewTS]

Torrie is a special ring announcer for whatever reason. She does talk about what a piece of divine ass A-Train is and I (and you, the gentle reader) would dig the Torrie Fucks A-Train storyline. Think about it- the Frenching, the licking of A-Train`s backhair, the attempt to arouse Torrie`s numbed-by-surgery nipples, the matching thongs in the hot tub as the camera pans down as they are both getting up- it writes itself. Billy Gunn returns and they have a wrestling match. Billy isn`t feigning homosexuality so I could give a shit. Postmatch- after the nothing that was the match- has Torrie presenting like a mandrill * to a baffled Billy Gunn. They never show the defeated A-Train, his career in the toilet and now his new love CRUSHED by the magnificent ass of Billy Gunn.

 

As much as I loathe the walking colony of 37 kinds of veneral diseases--most undiscovered previously by medical science, I am quite pleased at Torrie's new role.

 

Torrie, you are worthless whore And that's okay. Suck that dick, shake that ass, and whatever else you have to do. Just don't a) talk b) wrestle c) waste more than a couple minutes per week of my time.

 

Having not seen the segment in question, she's only done a) this week, because Gunn was already going to wrestle anyway.

 

I also would prefer Homo-Gunn to Hetero-Gunn. Hetero-Gunn seems so forced. I don't mean to imply Billy does indeed pound the asses of his same gender, but he comes off that way. And that's also okay. Hopefully he's feigning heteroness and Whorrie's Gaydar is busted.

[Guest Lord of The Curry]

I may not know much but I know this much. If DEAN was in Team Angle's corner during that ladder match, they'd still have the belts.

 

I think we need Team DEAN to start shaking things up around here.

[Guest The Amazing Rando]

Any ideas for what Team Angle will call themselves now? Will they get a name or be Benjamin & Haas?

[ChrisMWaters 0]

Any ideas for what Team Angle will call themselves now? Will they get a name or be Benjamin & Haas?

I say Team Wrestling, but that's just me.

[Agent_Bond34 0]

Lesnar/Show breaking the ring, was one of the fucking COOLEST things I have seen on WWE TV in a while.

 

It reminds me of the time when Austin beat Yokozuna at the Summerslam 1996 Free For All after Yoko broke the top rope.

 

Anyway, regarding SmackDown, since I just watched this show for the first time in about two months or so, I have to ask the following:

 

Why is Billy Gunn back? And why as Mr Ass? I said these exact words when he first came on the screen. "Oh yay, I'm back in 1999 again, how wonderful."

 

Why is Eddy Guerrero a face with the "Lie, Cheat, and Steal" act? That does not make any sense whatsoever.

 

Why are they even wasting time with this Mr America crap? It's really insulting.

 

And last question, who the hell are the Basham Brothers?

[B. Brian Brunzell 0]

Ya know, I saw Steph for the first time in about 6 months tonight. She looks like she's invaded HHH's stash. I guess SOMEONE has to have balls in their house, seeing HHH's.. .oh nevermind.

[Guest Polish_Rifle]

Reading this column is usually more entertaining than watching the entire show.

 

Albert-Torrie-Billy love triangle = Must See TV

[Guest AndrewTS]

Next week: Billy cuts a promo, which ends abruptly when Torrie coughs up a big, black hairball.

[J.B. Buzzkill 0]

Torrie is a special ring announcer for whatever reason. She does talk about what a piece of divine ass A-Train is and I (and you, the gentle reader) would dig the Torrie Fucks A-Train storyline. Think about it- the Frenching, the licking of A-Train`s backhair, the attempt to arouse Torrie`s numbed-by-surgery nipples, the matching thongs in the hot tub as the camera pans down as they are both getting up- it writes itself. Billy Gunn returns and they have a wrestling match. Billy isn`t feigning homosexuality so I could give a shit. Postmatch- after the nothing that was the match- has Torrie presenting like a mandrill * to a baffled Billy Gunn. They never show the defeated A-Train, his career in the toilet and now his new love CRUSHED by the magnificent ass of Billy Gunn.

 

As much as I loathe the walking colony of 37 kinds of veneral diseases--most undiscovered previously by medical science, I am quite pleased at Torrie's new role.

 

Torrie, you are worthless whore And that's okay. Suck that dick, shake that ass, and whatever else you have to do. Just don't a) talk b) wrestle c) waste more than a couple minutes per week of my time.

 

Having not seen the segment in question, she's only done a) this week, because Gunn was already going to wrestle anyway.

 

I also would prefer Homo-Gunn to Hetero-Gunn. Hetero-Gunn seems so forced. I don't mean to imply Billy does indeed pound the asses of his same gender, but he comes off that way. And that's also okay. Hopefully he's feigning heteroness and Whorrie's Gaydar is busted.

Thank God I'm not the only person who hates Whorrie--er--Torrie. Everyone I know loves her.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Torrie is a special ring announcer for whatever reason. She does talk about what a piece of divine ass A-Train is and I (and you, the gentle reader) would dig the Torrie Fucks A-Train storyline. Think about it- the Frenching, the licking of A-Train`s backhair, the attempt to arouse Torrie`s numbed-by-surgery nipples, the matching thongs in the hot tub as the camera pans down as they are both getting up- it writes itself. Billy Gunn returns and they have a wrestling match. Billy isn`t feigning homosexuality so I could give a shit. Postmatch- after the nothing that was the match- has Torrie presenting like a mandrill * to a baffled Billy Gunn. They never show the defeated A-Train, his career in the toilet and now his new love CRUSHED by the magnificent ass of Billy Gunn.

 

As much as I loathe the walking colony of 37 kinds of veneral diseases--most undiscovered previously by medical science, I am quite pleased at Torrie's new role.

 

Torrie, you are worthless whore And that's okay. Suck that dick, shake that ass, and whatever else you have to do. Just don't a) talk b) wrestle c) waste more than a couple minutes per week of my time.

 

Having not seen the segment in question, she's only done a) this week, because Gunn was already going to wrestle anyway.

 

I also would prefer Homo-Gunn to Hetero-Gunn. Hetero-Gunn seems so forced. I don't mean to imply Billy does indeed pound the asses of his same gender, but he comes off that way. And that's also okay. Hopefully he's feigning heteroness and Whorrie's Gaydar is busted.

Thank God I'm not the only person who hates Whorrie--er--Torrie. Everyone I know loves her.

It's not love...it's "They'd love to FUCK her..." big difference there, buddy...

[Guest notJames]

Anyway, regarding SmackDown, since I just watched this show for the first time in about two months or so, I have to ask the following:

 

Why is Billy Gunn back? And why as Mr Ass? I said these exact words when he first came on the screen. "Oh yay, I'm back in 1999 again, how wonderful."

Because Vince Jr. has a thing for big men with tight asses. Or something.

 

Why is Eddy Guerrero a face with the "Lie, Cheat, and Steal" act? That does not make any sense whatsoever.

 

EDDY~! and Chavo (before he was sidelined with a biceps injury) did a bunch of comedy skits extolling the virtues of "Lie, Cheat and Steal" which got over with the crowd. Plus their superior wrestling skills helped win the crowd over so much that they turned face with the cheating gimmick intact.

 

Why are they even wasting time with this Mr America crap? It's really insulting.

 

I have no answers for this beyond the obvious lobotomy/senility variety.

 

And last question, who the hell are the Basham Brothers?

 

A faux brother team comprised of OVW stalwarts Doug "The Machine" Basham and "Damaja" Lonnie something or other. As implied by the previous statement, they are not really brothers, and Damaja is going by the name Donnie.

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

Danny, not Donnie.

 

Doug Basham is good stuff.