Nik Interviews the Entire WWE!

[Guest OnlyMe]

Since RetroRob's interview with Trish Stratus didn't go down exactly as planned, I've got a special treat for you. I'm going to interview EVERY SINGLE one of the WWE roster. From the Brooklyn Brawler, all the way up to Vince McMahon himself, they are all here.

 

Nik: Hello.

 

WWE: Hey.

 

Nik: Firstly, I'd like to ask about Triple H's reign as champion, which has been going on for almost a year now. Do you feel he has been a successful champion?

 

WWE: (all speaking at once) Now you might think we're towing the company line here, but Triple H has been an excellent champion. The internet just isn't giving him a chance.

 

Nik: Okay, that's great. Do you think any of the criticism of Triple H is warranted by the online community?

 

WWE: No. They unfairly demonise him. He's put on some great matches in the past, and he has come back from career threatening surgery!

 

Nik: But what about his relationship with Stephanie McMahon? Does that not influence booking decisions?

 

WWE: No again. Stephanie is on SmackDown! and he is on Raw. His continued push, including title wins over every midcarder on Raw, and being put in overbooked gimmick matches to hide his weaknesses is just a co-incidence.

 

Nik: But how do you explain his continued presence in booking meetings?

 

WWE: Ah, you see... lots of wrestlers appear in booking meetings.

 

Jericho: It's true. I always ask for my character to be half-heartedly pushed to the upper card, just to be dropped back down again.

 

Angle: And I love playing a dork

 

Kanyon: I decided it would be best for my character if I appeared in a humiliating two minute role in the middle of an Undertaker / Big Show feud, and then disappeared back to Velocity.

 

Nik: Right... so we had it wrong all along! How has Goldberg fit in backstage since his arrival?

 

WWE: There have been absolutely no problems. Next question.

 

Nik: How do you feel about the internet in general

 

Triple H: 12 year old marks with keyboards. All of them.

 

Bradshaw: Yeah, they know nothing about the business.

 

Lance Storm: Actually, I have several reasons why the internet is a good ide-

 

At this point, I'm not sure what happened. I think I blacked out. Anyway, we wake up a few hours later.

 

Nik: Is there widespread steroid use in WWE?

 

Test: Definitely not

 

Triple H: No chance

 

Steiner: Absolutely not

 

Vince: We have a strict testing process

 

Nik: And you test for all drugs, including cannabis?

 

Vince: Cannabis? We don't test for rare diseases.

 

Vince turns to the rest of the room

 

Vince: Get a load of this guy!

 

Nik: What do you think of women's wrestling?

 

Trish: I think it's great that we can be taken seriously as wrestlers, and admired for our bodies.

 

Trish is glared at by "upper management"

 

Trish: I didn't say that! It's fake!

 

Nik: Okay, onto another division. Do you feel that the tag division is watered down, now that you have two of them?

 

Rhyno: No, I think it's great, and in fact we have too many tag teams. Some of them may need to split up soon.

 

Rhyno eyes Benoit suspiciously.

 

RVD: Yeah, I'm amazed at how many tag teams are left, since so many have split up

 

Bubba Ray: I agree... I mean, every team has broken up at least once.

 

Vince McMahon: Ah, but there are new tag teams being formed all the time.

 

La Resistance: Nous avons seulement été autour pour un couple des mois, et déjà nous sommes au dessus! Infidels américains idiots.

 

We have only been around for a couple of months, and already we are at the top! Foolish American infidels.

 

Bradshaw: Fuck France. If they don't like Freedom of Speech, then they ain't American.

 

Doug Basham: Anyway, I think it's great that vanilla OVW wrestlers myself get to beat established former main event wrestlers like RVD and Benoit.

 

Nik: While we're on the subject of OVW, I have to ask about the continued pushes of OVW workers, all of a sudden.

 

Brock Lesnar: We can wrestle the right style.

 

The other Basham: Yeah, we work OVW style.

 

Nik: So you all use a limited moveset?

 

Undertaker, Triple H, Nash, Goldberg and Hogan glare at me.

 

Nik: Moving on quickly then, can I ask why these OVW wrestlers are being pushed at the expense of already established wrestlers?

 

Linda McMahon: Pushing new workers is a time consuming process, and WWE is in a transitional period right now.

 

Nik: But these guys are getting over, and then not being used. Look at Jericho's repeated half pushes.

 

Jericho: I like putting over new talent.

 

Nik: And what about the reactions that the Hurricane was getting when he was feuding with the Rock? What's he doing now?

 

Hurricane: After losing to the better man – Triple H, I am now...

 

Randy Orton suddenly attacks Hurricane!

 

Triple H: Hurricane was NOT over. So it's important to keep him off Raw, where only over wrestlers like myself, and Kevin Nash are. Look at the size of us! Much more impressive than someone as small and insignificant as the Hurricane.

 

Nik: And how would you respond to criticism that you are turning into WCW?

 

Benoit: There's no way I'd be as misused here as I was in WCW.

 

Goldberg: It's a good thing that I'm able to do pretty much as I please, beat everyone and never sell.

 

Nash: No, WWE would never do anything as silly as pushing the wrong people to the main event.

 

Vince: This interview is over

 

Vince knocks my papers out of my hand, and tosses my tape recorder to the ground

 

Linda: This interview is over

 

Triple H: This interview is over-uh

[Astro7x 0]

lol... good stuff

 

*thumbs up*

[Guest Miss Independant]

Ha! Very good job, man. I kinda have mixed feelings about OVW. A friend of mine is going to train there as soon as she can get enough dough. Part of me is thinking, "Whoo hoo! Hobknob central here I come!" while another is thinking that her trainer, Bill Ash, hasn't prepared her for kicky punchy and really, really doesn't like that shit. Hopefully nothing bad will happen (like getting fired for knowing more than two moves not in the WWE style) but we'll see.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

Was I the only one hearing the "WWE" voice in my head as the Borg voice??

[Guest Mattdotcom]

It played more realistic in my head, like a room full of people reading the dictionary in a wooden manner.

 

Oh, how I loved it.

[Guest The Old Me]

I read the WWE voice in Ben Stein's "Ferris Bueller" voice. It works.

[Guest Lil Naitch]

Was I the only one hearing the "WWE" voice in my head as the Borg voice??

no, you certainly weren't.\

 

Good stuff

[Guest The Decadent Slacker]

WWE voice=Lionel Hutts, attorney at law.

[Adam 0]

Good stuff.

[SpikeFayeJettEdBebop 0]

Yeah, that was great. Good job, it was funny. I don't know what else to say considering that everyone else said just about the same exact thing. Anyway,it made me laugh, and it was pretty realistic.

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

That sucked.

[Guest Big McLargeHuge]

Had it ended with Jericho getting Pedigreed by a "livid" HHH, it would've been perfect.

[Guest goodhelmet]

That sucked.

well, you're the only one who seemed to think so. just to amuse us, why don't you actually give REASONS why it sucked. you know, back up your opinion?

 

nik, why didn't you post this on the main page?

[Guest DrTom]

I advised him against it, Will. He asked me if I thought it was appropriate, and while I liked the piece, I didn't think it would go over very well with WWE scrutinizing us after the Trish fiasco. It's possible we could have dealings and interviews thru proper channels with them as the site grows, and I didn't want to cut off that avenue. It was all about erring on the side of caution.

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

That sucked.

well, you're the only one who seemed to think so. just to amuse us, why don't you actually give REASONS why it sucked. you know, back up your opinion?

 

nik, why didn't you post this on the main page?

It's tough to explain why one finds something funny or unfunny. To me these jokes are so old, he might as well have Benoit saying "Take my wife... please!" there was not a single original concept in the entire piece.

[Guest Inner Heel]

Thats part of the humor behind it. what orginal thing is being done in the wwe right now? it is your opinion though, and if you didn't like it, you didn't like it.

 

that was pretty funny though. it should have had a bit more lance geting cut off though.