XPW EWR Diary (offshoot of WWA?)

August 3, 2003

Now that the much anticipated EWR 4.0 is out, I, much like all of you, wasted no time in downloading it for my playing pleasure. The sad news is this means I won't be continuing the WWA? Diary that was getting some good feedback from you guys. The good news?

I'll be doing XPW~!

I know, I know, it's been done before by Deacon with hilarious results. My XPW is going to be within WWA? continuity, however, as some familiar faces, along with some new ones, hope to draw your laughter and praise. Best of all for us (but not for him), TSM's own THE DAMES~! will be kidnapped on a weekly basis and forced to watch the crap that Rob Black's non-porno venture churns out.

Here goes with our first show, XPW Monday Nightmare for September 1, 2003~!

The show opens with co-owner of XPW and "Head Bitch" (take that how you want) Lizzy Borden in her office. Kaos comes into her office (as opposed into her orifice like every other guy on the planet) and he's happy to be back in XPW. Lizzy explains that since they got the money to restart due to the tremendous sales of Extreme Associate's latest movie, Sperm Spewing Jungle Skanks and the Forest of Fuck, they wanted to go all out. That's why she wanted something homegrown. Kaos explains that he doesn't do drugs, but he'll talk to Marty Jannetty about getting Lizzy "supplied". No, that's not what she meant. She wanted a homegrown talent, and since Kaos made his name in XPW (try getting hired by WWE with THAT on your resume), she brought him back to work under her. Eh, I don't like you like that Lizzy, sorry. Plus, the ensuing warts on my face would take away from my natural charisma. Lizzy's insulted, and gives Kaos the old "If I can make you, I can break you" speech, and sets him up against his uncle, Supreme, in the main event tonight!

OVERALL:49%

THROWN TOGETHER MATCH SINCE THIS WAS MY FIRST SHOW, BUT WHO CARES SINCE DAMES IS REVIEWING:

Youthanazia vs Erotica.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Cross just WAFFLES Doring with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! Cross uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! There's a two count on the pin. Tag between Matt Cross and Josh Prohibition. Youthanazia whip Doring into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. Covers for a quick two count. Spin kick by Josh Prohibition to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. Doring reverses a waistlock. Massive backbreaker on JP and I get happy flashbacks to Bret Hart's Five Moves of DOOM. Covers for a quick two count. Tag to Chris Chetti. JP takes a NICE hurrancarana from Chris Chetti. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! JP takes a flying neckbreaker from Chris Chetti. Josh Prohibition powers out of a Chris Chetti headlock. Implant DDT by Josh Prohibition! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Tag between Josh Prohibition and Matt Cross. Spinning back kick from Matt Cross. Chetti tags out to Danny Doring. Implant DDT by Matt Cross! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Matt Cross grapples with Danny Doring, and positions himself so that the referee can't see...and hits a low blow! He rolls up the stunned Danny Doring: 1....2....3!! What a cheap shot! Youthanazia signal to each other...and they attack Erotica! After an swift brawl, Doring and Chetti are left down in the ring.

My Opinion: Sadly, a 1\2* match.

Dames marks out not once, but TWICE on an XPW show? In the same match? I figured this meant he'd go easy but alas the ex-CZW sellouts and the ex-ECW sellouts aren't enough to get a star from our fearless leader. Chris Chetti lost overness from this match, while Youthanazia gain. Doring gets lowblowed for the pin, AND beat down, but keeps his heat? Never underestimate the power of the Danaconda.

OVERALL:51 (39, 64)

RUDY RAY SMITH~! is here, fresh off his tour of the WWA?. There's no Koko B. Grier or Teddy Long to be found though. Alas, the Nation of Blaxploitation is no more. However, Rudy Ray decided to come to XPW (re: no one else offered him a job and he's got rent to pay) to wage war on his own. He doesn't like getting held down by The Man, and he sure as hell isn't going to be held down by The Wo-Man, Lizzy Borden. Well of course not, Rudy...you've gotta pay extra for that.

OVERALL:61%

Backstage, Kaos taps Supreme on the shoulder, and extends a hand, having not seen his uncle in some time. Supreme knows what it's like to miss someone...he hasn't seen his feet in years.

Supreme:"So what brings you back here?"

Kaos:"Lizzy wants to give me the big push."

Supreme:"She's gonna violate you with the strap-on?"

Kaos:"No, no. In XPW. In fact, you and I are fighting next."

Supreme:"We are?"

Kaos:"Yeah. Guess she figures that since you're family you'll do the right thing and put me over."

Supreme:"Yeah...HEY!"

Supreme and Kaos get into a shoving match, as Supreme desperately tries to gain some heat, knowing that it's up to him to make his nephew look good. Sadly, he'll fail at both.

OVERALL:50%

Kaos vs Supreme.

Match Background: Kaos is making his return to XPW at this show.

The Match: Supreme hits a right hand on Kaos. Powerslam from Supreme on Kaos. Hooks the leg for a two count. Kaos counters a sleeper with a jaw breaker and is able to get free! Spinning back kick from Kaos. Kaos hits a rolling kick on Supreme. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Covers for a quick two count. Vicious kick to the teeth from Kaos. Pin, but Supreme is out just before the three count. Hard back suplex on Supreme. Come to think of it, that move had WAY too much power in No Mercy for N64. Supreme elbows Kaos in the face to break a hammerlock. Supreme hits an ugly looking bulldog off the ropes. There's a two count on the pin. Supreme DDTs Kaos. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Supreme strikes Kaos with a hard blow. Uninspired brawling from Supreme. Kaos blocks a kick from Supreme. Kaos uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Power drive elbow by Kaos. That sounds like a feature on a 4 x 4, doesn't it. Kaos has Supreme down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Kaostrify!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. Kaos goes into the crowd, where he celebrates his victory

My Opinion: 1/4*. Be happy it's not a DUD.

I changed "Kaos is making his debut in XPW at this show" to "Kaos is making his return to XPW at this show". I should have also changed the match rating. And his opponent. And half the spots in the match. Ah well, and least it gave me a reason...no, make that an excuse, to fire Supreme the next day.

OVERALL:54 (48, 61).

.12 Rating

321 People attended, giving us $6420 in ticket sales.

E-mails: Apparently Josh Prohibition is losing heat because I'm pushing him too much, so back to the lower midcard he goes (but wasn't he just in the opener...don't think too hard here, Zack.) Also, Kaos was overused at the show, and the fans got sick of seeing him. Well, that certainly makes me happy knowing one of my main guys is resented by fans the world over (XPW has fans!?).

Back later with more NEW~! XPW goodness.

August 3, 2003

Here are the standings on the finances, image, etc. for XPW as of the first week.

PI-19% Cult Level

Income-$2089420

Production Value-50%

Risk-70%

Advertising-55%

Merchandising-45%

TV Show-XPW Monday Nightmare, Graveyard Timeslot on KJLA (Monday Nights)

TV Hosts-Jon Ian and Chris English

12 workers on Staff

August 3, 2003

Zack this show will do just like your other one. Keep it going.

August 3, 2003

XPW Monday Nightmare for September 8, 2003

The show is barely underway, when PAUL LONDON~! wanders past the camera. Apparently he's on his way to an indy show after being canned by the WWE. He continues down the hall, where he's approached by a teenage fan looking for an autograph. Being the genuine nice guy that he is, Paul gladly does the favor, but then it's revealed that it was a SWERVE~! The girl tosses off her Hardy Boyz hat, undoes her ponytail, and takes off her two sizes too big Jeff Hardy T shirt, revealing herself as Lizzy Borden standing on her knees. Not that she needed the extra effort in looking young, she's just comfortable that way. Apparently London was just tricked into signing a contract with XPW, since he's, you know, actually talented. Lizzy asks if there's anything else she can do while she's on her knees, prompting Paul to go douse himself in bug spray to keep her away.

OVERALL:57%. Lizzy Borden gains overness, just because people enjoy her on her knees.

Backstage in the promo area, the TEEN SHOW EXPRESS~! have just arrived from the now-defunct WWA? federation. Zack Sommers, Sly Slater and their "personal cheerleader" Mary Beth Kapowski look forward to a fruitful career here in XPW. They're also unwilling to do any of that "barely legal" porn, so they've made some enemies in the office, but will officially debut next week!

OVERALL:64%. All three gained overness, and Mary Beth debuted her cheerleader gimmick, while Sly Slater debuted his "dude" gimmick to positive responses.

LEGALIZED HATE CRIME:

Kaos vs Hardcore Homo Angel.

Match Background: This will be a hardcore bout.

The Match: Kaos just WAFFLES Angel with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! Kitchen sink shot (literally) and Angel gets floored. Hard back suplex on Angel. Come to think of it, that move had WAY too much power in No Mercy for N64. Implant DDT by Kaos! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Hardcore Homo Angel elbows Kaos in the face to break a hammerlock. Chair shot connects! Kaos walks into a side slam. Think about how much talent it takes to side slam someone. Nash can do it. Covers for a quick two count. Angel charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Flying cross body off the top rope! Hooks the leg for a two count. Tor-NADO DDT from Kaos, Angel got planted! Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Angel ducks a wild right hand. Leg trip from Hardcore Homo Angel knocks the opponent down. Kaos blocks a punch. Flying elbow from Kaos connects. Kaos floors Hardcore Homo Angel...and climbs the turnbuckles. Off the top - Kaostrify, forget about it. 1....2...3!

My Opinion: I'll give a 3/4 star rating, but only if you promise to improve as a booker.

Improve as a booker!??! I made a team of pseudo-Australians, a patriotic exhibitionist, and David F'N Flair get over in EWR, but I need to IMPROVE? Geez, Dames, and I thought we had something special. My guess is he just felt sympathy for the gay guy. When you've got straight people feeling bad for you, even though you're a heel, that means you're too good at your job.

OVERALL:57 (46, 69). Kaos debuted his new "Rebel" gimmick to a positive response. He's more or less feuding with Lizzy Borden and fending off her advances, so that either makes him a rebel or smart. I went with rebel, it just sounded cooler.

WAIT A MINUTE, THESE GUYS HAVE SKILLS:

Psychosis vs Paul London.

Match Background: London is making his debut at this show.

The Match: STIFF high kick on Psychosis by Paul London. STIFF high kick on Psychosis by Paul London. Second rope flying axe handle, Psychosis goes down. One day, London might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Second rope flying axe handle, Psychosis goes down. One day, London might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Psychosis is able to duck a clothesline attempt and connect with a counter clothesline. Hard back suplex on London. Come to think of it, that move had WAY too much power in No Mercy for N64. Flying reverse elbow by Psychosis. There's a two count on the pin. Paul London pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Super kick by Paul London. Covers for a quick two count. DDT from the top rope by Paul London. That looked KILLER. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Psychosis reverses a waistlock. Standing leg lariat by Psychosis on London. Paul London elbows Psychosis in the face to break a hammerlock. Second rope flying axe handle, Psychosis goes down. One day, London might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Paul London floors Psychosis...and climbs the turnbuckles. Through the air, London Calling! 1....2....3. Paul London goes into the crowd, where he celebrates his victory

My Opinion: Nothing offensive, but nothing too special either. **1\2 rating.

London wasn't celebrating in the crowd, he was trying to escape through it, but XPW security (re: a local street gang) beat him unconscious with chains, pipes, and blackjacks. The ensuing concussion might confuse him enough that he thinks he'll actually enjoy working here.

OVERALL:69 (57, 82)

We're supposed to end the show here, but the cameraman got a little overzealous when talking to one of the females on staff, and left the camera running. Thankfully, not on themselves, or else we'd be kicked off the air and believe me my PI is dropping enough. Kaos comes by and tilts the camera towards him, clearing his throat and getting ready to cut a promo, when all of a sudden he's jumped by GQ Smooth, Lance Silva, and Johnny C.! Who the hell are they? Lizzy Borden then strolls onto the scene to tell us that they are to be known as the Four Whore's Men, and they're at her beckon call. Uh, wait...the way it's worded, shouldn't there be four whores? And even if not, there's only three men, so the name still makes no sense. No wonder Lizzy only passed Algebra by dressing up in a Girl Scouts Uniform and letting her teacher eat cookies out of her...HEY WE'RE OUTTA TIME!

OVERALL:45%

OVERALL RATING:54%

.14 TV rating

322 people paid $6440.

Got an email from Juventud Guerrera that he thinks he and Paul London would work well together. Guess we'll have to see what happens when The Juice gets back from tour.

August 3, 2003

:lol:

OMG~! This is great Zack. Just great. :lol:

August 4, 2003

No wonder Lizzy only passed Algebra by dressing up in a Girl Scouts Uniform and letting her teacher eat cookies out of her...HEY WE'RE OUTTA TIME!

You bastard, I pissed myself laughing when i read that.

Keep it Up

August 5, 2003

XPW Monday Nightmare for September 15, 2003

OPENING MATCH OF DEBUTING DUOS:

Teen Show Express vs Ring Crew Express.

Match Background: Dunn is making his debut at this show. Marcos is making his debut at this show. Zack and Sly are teaming up as Teen Show Express for the first time tonight. Teen Show Express and Ring Crew Express are currently feuding. Neither team holds an in-ring victory since the feud started.

The Match: Flying elbow from Dunn connects. SUPER frankensteiner on Sly, who hit hard and is loopy as a result. Covers for a quick two count. Dunn tags out to Marcos. Ring Crew Express whip Sly into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. Sly Slater takes a knee lift from Marcos. *sigh* Running knee lifts always remind me of the late Curt Hennig. There's a two count on the pin. A kick from Marcos is delivered to the leg. Sly backdrops Marcos out of a piledriver attempt. That took a lot out of Sly Slater. Slingshot clothesline by Sly, who almost messed it up by slipping on the ropes. Tag to Zack Sommers. Zack Sommers hits a rolling kick on Marcos. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Flying cross body off the top rope! Zack drops an elbow...but Marcos moves out of the way. Tag between Marcos and Dunn. Super kick by Dunn. Power drive elbow by Dunn. That sounds like a feature on a 4 x 4, doesn't it. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Dunn connects with a back heel kick on Zack and gets back up quickly. Zack Sommers is able to duck a clothesline attempt and connect with a counter clothesline. Zack crushes Dunn with a huge legdrop. Teen Show Express have Dunn to themselves. Season Finale! 1....2....3! It's over. Ring Crew Express don't look like they're finished by any means...and they rush forward to attack Teen Show Express, and send them to the outside. Threats are exchanged as the chaos ends.

My Opinion: One SOLE bright spot in this match keeps it from going into DUD territory. 1/4*.

Well of course neither team held an in-ring victory since the feud started, since this is the match that started the feud! I'm going to have to bust out the spoiler tags for Dames' intros. Sly Slater took a Super Frankensteiner approximately 14 seconds into the match, yet a BACKDROP took a lot out of him? So much for resiliency. I asked Dames what the highlight of this match was for him, and he responded with "the end". Oh Dames, you cad. You've no idea what you're in for.

OVERALL: 48 (32, 65). Marcos and Dunn debuted their grunge gimmick to a positive response.

GQ Smooth, Lance Silva, and Jonny C. come parading down to the ring, looking like those three guys who are the last ones to leave a club because they're all unsuccesfully hitting on the same girl. Yep, those guys. It seems that good fortune has shined upon them after their arrival here last week, as Lizzy Borden feels they have what it takes to make it as the most imposing entity in XPW history, save for the staff at "the clinic" that most of our stars need to be treated at. The three men then call out their leader, the fourth Whore's Man. Who's the fourth whore? Eh, we've gone over the mathematical nuisance this group causes already, so skip it. Steve Bradley, fresh off a 4 year stay in the WWE developmental league comes out, because XPW doesn't just take castaways...they even take the castaways that were never cast. Bradely needs a change of pace (and underwear...working for $20 2 nights a week for Jim Cornette doesn't leave you much scratch, so you have to sacrifice certain things, like hygene), and vows that Kaos will never become a star like him. Is the heel supposed to compliment his rival like that?

OVERALL: 51%. Jonny C. gained overness from this segment. Probably for not talking, therefore not ruining what little ring presence he has.

The crack XPW camera crew are supposed to air a promo from somebody, but wind up popping in a tape of some Mexican soap opera diva...wait, that's Juventud Guerrera? What's Juventud Guerrera doing on a Mexican soap? No, false alarm, he's just sent us this tape to call out Paul London for next week. If London wasn't still out cold from the horse tranquilizer Lizzy had to feed him to keep him from taking the first flight out of LA, we might be able to book the match now, but anticipation will have to do.

OVERALL:75%

Backstage, Rudy Ray Smith approaches Kaos about being called out by the Four Whore's Men earlier. Smith proposes a team for tonight, so that the minorities can give those boys a major ass-kicking. Kaos tries to explain that he's not a minority, but Rudy explains that he is...he's one of the few on the XPW roster with actual talent. Kaos is inclined to agree, and we've just thrown together our main event just seconds before it was to happen. Even with a half-assed staff like that, these shows still read better than RAW looks tonight.

OVERALL:53%. Rudy Ray debuted his "Sucka" gimmick to a negative response, yet gained overness. Great, we're going to go through this with the XPW fans too?

MAIN EVENT MADE MOMENTS AGO:

Rudy Ray Smith and Kaos vs Steve Bradley and GQ Smooth.

Match Background: Bradley is making his debut at this show. He is a regular with HWA. Smooth is making his debut at this show. Kaos and Bradley have been feuding recently. Neither has managed to get an in-ring victory in this feud.

The Match: Kaos hits a rolling kick on Smooth. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Flying cross body off the top rope! Hooks the leg for a two count. Tag to Rudy Ray Smith. Rudy Ray \ Kaos whip Smooth into the corner. Rudy Ray Smith whips Kaos in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Weak bodyslam on Smooth by Rudy Ray sets up a legdrop. Hooks the leg for a two count. Smooth hits a punch, but takes one right back. Again! A slugfest erupts in the ring! Smooth counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! GQ Smooth blasts Rudy Ray with a superkick. Smooth tags out to Steve Bradley. BIG clothesline on Rudy Ray. Nice piledriver on Rudy Ray. Rudy Ray Smith once again takes the advantage after blocking a few punches and connecting with some forearms. Tag to Kaos. Flying cross body off the top rope! Back heel kick off the second rope, Bradley goes down. Pin, but Bradley is out just before the three count. Kaos connects with a back heel kick on Bradley and gets back up quickly. Bradley pushes out of a Kaos hold. Steve Bradley hits a bulldog off the ropes. Steve Bradley gets whipped into the corner. Kaos charges in, but into a pair of raised boots. Bradley uses a roll up, with feet on the second rope! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!!

My Opinion: DUD. That's about all I can say without getting into obsenities.

Dames gives the match a DUD, but fucks up the intro? Smooth debuted LAST WEEK, Mr. Diatribe. And again, just ruin my planned feuds by giving them away in your precious match backgrounds. The match was made 30 seconds before the entrance music was cued, how specific did you need to be!?!

OVERALL 50% (42, 58).

OVERALL RATING:52%

.14 TV Rating

339 people paid $6780.

August 5, 2003

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Oh man... This is great Zack. Keep it up.

August 5, 2003

XPW Monday Nightmare for September 22, 2003:

Hosted by Jon Ian and Chris English

THOSE WE ADORE VS. THOSE OF A WHORE

Teen Show Express vs GQ Smooth and Lance Silva.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Silva takes a hard, stinging chop from Sly. One word: Ow. Sly Slater uses a running dropkick into the corner. That was just...ugh. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tag between Sly Slater and Zack Sommers. Teen Show Express whip Silva into the corner. Zack Sommers whips Sly Slater in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Spin kick by Zack Sommers to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. Hooks the leg for a two count. Zack Sommers connects with a back heel kick on Silva and gets back up quickly. Zack charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Tiger suplex on Zack. No Misawa references from me, I swear. Oh, dammit. Silva tags out to GQ Smooth. Flying elbow from GQ Smooth, grazing the target slightly. Flying elbow off the top rope by GQ Smooth, getting as close to zero air as possible. GQ Smooth misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Zack tags out to Sly Slater. Badly executed second rope splash by Sly. Sly Slater blasts Smooth with a superkick. Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. A kick from Sly is delivered to the leg. Sly walks into a drop toe hold. Flying elbow off the top rope by GQ Smooth, getting as close to zero air as possible. Ring Crew Express come running down the aisle and into the ring! Sly turns...and is dropped with a double DDT! Sly in big trouble. Sly Slater is in trouble. The Smoothie!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Ring Crew Express don't look like they've finished! They continue to beat down on Teen Show Express until a host of referees and officials run out to pull them off!

My Opinion: DUD. I refuse to say any more about it.

You know, there's a saying that if you can't do a move properly, you shouldn't do it. Apparently GQ missed that memo, since he tried two consecutive elbows that got little to no air, and then used one again towards the finish. Maybe we should install little trampolines in the corners to help these guys get hang time, and a ring like that is a good crossover into the kids market. The Ring Crew attack the Teen Show Express to further cement their heel status, and carry on the feud that was started at the last show, and I'm wondering how much heat a feud between two wannabe teen idols and two genuine ring crew people can actually get. I'm a victim of my own creativity sometimes.

OVERALL:44 (28, 60).

"Head Bitch" Lizzy Borden is in her office, and wants to introduce us to a person who comes from the deepest, darkest, most disgusting place imaginable. No, she didn't give birth, nor did she stuff a midget entirely up her snatch like she did in Carry On Creamings 5. She's talking about Abyss, and for once not her own. He'll debut against the lone blaxploitator (is that even a word?) Rudy Ray Smith tonight.

OVERALL:59%. Abyss' monster gimmick got a negative response, but Lizzy gained overness. I figured the midget comment would have turned most viewers off, but our fans are a dedicated lot.

Rudy Ray Smith vs Abyss.

Match Background: Abyss is making his debut at this show.

The Match: BIG clothesline on Rudy Ray. Full nelson slam on Rudy Ray. Covers for a quick two count. Rudy Ray blocks the suplex attempt and is able to hit the suplex instead! Wack kick from Rudy Ray. Big kick from Rudy Ray staggers Abyss but that's about it. Hooks the leg for a two count. Rudy Ray Smith turns Abyss inside-out with a clothesline. Reminds me of Willow's 'Bored Now' skin ripping finisher. Inside joke, don't worry about it. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Running clothesline from Rudy Ray Smith was actually MIGHTY sloppy. Abyss comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Spear by Abyss. Covers for a quick two count. High Angle DDT by Abyss just SPIKES Rudy Ray Smith down! Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Bodyslam by Abyss. STIFF~! chop lights up Rudy Ray who covers up to try and stop the agonizing PAIN! Rudy Ray Smith avoids a Abyss avalanche by getting out of the damn way! Rudy Ray Smith strikes Abyss with a hard blow. Flapjack from Rudy Ray on Abyss. Abyss falls through the ropes after a hard shot from Rudy Ray. He seemed to hit his head on the apron on the way down. The referee reaches a ten count, and this one is over. Abyss looks furious. The referee walks over...and gets blasted with a clothesline! Abyss has lost it!

My Opinion: Bad match which brought absolutely nothing to the table and was a waste of time. DUD.

"Wack kick" by Rudy Ray? Is Dames talking in slang or did Rudy Ray start nicknaming his moveset behind my back? Either way, I'll have to keep that. Say it three times fast and it'll sound like "Wack It", which would be a better way of spending time than watching this show, and we'd still make money since the tape most people watch then probably came from our parent company. Just for the record, Rudy Ray didn't drop Abyss with a flapjack, he actually tossed him a pancake, and Abyss took it, tumbled through the ropes like a bargain bin Shockmaster, and gobbled away. Hey, he hadn't eaten anything since leaving Lizzy's office, and just because it looks like veal and smells like fish does not make it worthy of consumption.

OVERALL:50 (47,54). Rudy Ray Smith gained overness from this match.

COMPATIBILITY TEST:

Paul London vs Juvi Guerrera.

Match Background: None.

The Match: London hits a HARD spinning kick to the jaw. London just WAFFLES Juvi with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! London uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Spin kick by Paul London to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. Juvi Guerrera is able to duck a clothesline attempt and connect with a counter clothesline. Juvi uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Super kick by Juvi Guerrera. Covers for a quick two count. Paul London pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. London crushes Juvi with a huge legdrop. Covers for a quick two count. Power drive elbow by Paul London. That sounds like a feature on a 4 x 4, doesn't it. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Juvi reverses a Paul London hammerlock. STIFF high kick on London by Juvi Guerrera. London kicks Juvi Guerrera in the gut to reverse the momentum. Flying elbow from Paul London connects. The bell rings, and this match has come to a time limit draw.

My Opinion: Almost got a **** match, but was lacking in certain areas, so i'm knocking off a quarter of a star. Yes, there is such a thing as a quarter star. ***3/4.

Basement dropkicks are apparently the signal that it's "TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~!". See, you pick up on the hidden meanings in Dames' reviews every time. You think he'd be making so many STIFF references if this weren't XPW? He's just catering to the fans. All that aside, looks like London and Juvi do work well together after all. Hey, Juvi said it herself!

OVERALL:81 (67, 95). That's right, the guy who doesn't want to be here and the transgender Mexican gained my highest rating yet.

Back in her office, "Head Bitch" Lizzy Borden gives us the rundown for the PPV just a mere 6 days before it's to happen. At Big Bang we'll see all the XPW Champions crowned, including the World Champion. Who's competing in that match you ask? Why Paul London and Juventud Guerrera of course! See, Lizzy wants the title to mean something this time around, and she's picked the two people she thinks that the belt would look good around. I didn't think a weightlifting belt with a tomato can lid with the letters XPW spraypainted on it could look good on anyone, but we'll find out this Sunday!

OVERALL:33%. Hey, what do you want, only the commish can book the matches. I find it funny that Lizzy is labelled as "Unsackable" when it's a known fact everyone has gotten her in the sack.

OVERALL SHOW RATING:48%

.14 rating

328 people paid $6560.

August 5, 2003

Great show as always Zack...

Oh my that was just too good.

August 6, 2003

XPW Big Bang, Live on PPV~!

Hosted by Jon Ian and Chris English

Since they really had no money for a pre-game show anyways, Mary Beth Kapowski sticks in a tape of California Dreams to motivate her charges, the Teen Show Express. Don't complain, it's the one that guest starred Tara Reid, even though she was just there to further the drunk driving angle with Mark Winkle. Oh lord, I'm getting smarky about the TNBC sitcoms now.

OVERALL:64%. All three members of Teen Show Express gained overness from this segment.

ON THE FLY FOURWAY FOR THE XPW TAG TEAM TITLES:

Ring Crew Express vs Erotica vs Teen Show Express vs Youthanazia.

Match Background: This will be an elimination bout. Teen Show Express and Ring Crew Express have been feuding recently. Ring Crew Express have yet to beat their rivals in the ring since the feud began. This match is for the XPW Tag Team titles.

The Match: Dropkick connects to the BUTT of the jaw and Sly goes down. Second rope flying axe handle, Sly goes down. One day, JP might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Tag between Josh Prohibition and Matt Cross. Matt Cross strikes Sly. Covers for a quick two count. Sly Slater elbows Matt Cross in the face to break a hammerlock. Tag between Sly Slater and Dunn. Implant DDT by Dunn! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Super kick by Dunn. Tag to Marcos. Ring Crew Express whip Cross into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. There's a two count on the pin. Cross powers out of a headlock. Matt Cross kicks the leg, knocks Marcos down, and goes to work on it. Cross tags out to Danny Doring. Big dropkick by Danny Doring, who got a ton of air on the move. Covers for a quick two count. Marcos tags out to Matt Cross. Cross hits a HARD spinning kick to the jaw. Cross charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Cross walks into a side slam. Think about how much talent it takes to side slam someone. Nash can do it. The ref gets into position, administers the three count, and it's over. Danny Doring pins Cross. Doring walks into a high dropkick from Zack Sommers, almost losing several teeth in the process. DDT from the top rope by Zack Sommers. That looked KILLER. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Tag to Dunn. Hard back suplex on Doring. Come to think of it, that move had WAY too much power in No Mercy for N64. Tag to Sly Slater. Flying elbow off the top rope by Sly Slater, getting as close to zero air as possible. Sly face jams Danny Doring. ONE...TWO...THREE. Sly defeats Doring. Marcos with an enziguri! HBK isn't moving...uh oh. Oh, sorry, I had a flashback to the last time I got fooled. Pin, but Sly is out just before the three count. Marcos hits a dropkick on Sly Slater. Actually, it barely touched! Sly counters a sleeper with a jaw breaker and is able to get free! Sly Slater arm drags Marcos over and locks on an armbar. Covers for a quick two count. Tag between Sly Slater and Zack Sommers. Teen Show Express whip Marcos into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Spin kick by Zack Sommers to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. Marcos ducks a wild right hand. Tag to Dunn. Zack takes a NICE hurrancarana from Dunn. Diamond Dust from Dunn and Zack is out! Dunn sets Sly Slater up in the corner. Burning Hammer!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over.

My Opinion: When I give out 3/4*, it means that I'm being REALLY nice about it.

Seems like I caught Dames on a good day, though I have to wonder why Doring can kick out of a friggin' top rope DDT and not a facebuster. At least it wasn't followed up with a worm. The only ones you'll see are those that are in Marty Jannetty's tequila bottle.

OVERALL:53 (36, 70). The XPW Tag Team Titles have gained in image. Chris Chetti debuted his "fiery Italian" gimmick to a negative response. Being XPW, I think they thought "fiery Italian" meant "set on fire". It just didn't work for Supreme since he's a...er...Supremacist? Yeah, that's the ticket.

Kaos runs into the Four Whore's Men backstage, and they're ready to make him an offer. Come over to their side, and join the stable. Wouldn't it make it the Five Whore's Men though? Dammit, the Whore's Men are sick of the mathematical critiques. Besides, Lizzy's got enough orifices for all of 'em, plus more. Kaos turns down the offer, probably disgusted by the thought of someone violating Lizzy's nostrils, and gets taken out as a results.

OVERALL:60%. Jonny C. and Kaos gained overness from this segment.

OF ALL THE THINGS IN CONTINUITY, WHY THIS?:

Abyss vs Rudy Ray Smith.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Abyss takes a right hand to the temple from Rudy Ray. I bet those hurt more than Sgt. Slaughter's Noogies. Abyss takes a right hand to the temple from Rudy Ray. Hooks the leg for a two count. Abyss ducks a wild right hand. Abyss with a spinning neckbreaker on Rudy Ray. STIFF~! chop lights up Rudy Ray who covers up to try and stop the agonizing PAIN! Abyss slams Rudy Ray Smith down and motions to the crowd. Abyss misses a clothesline. Weak bodyslam by Rudy Ray. Rudy Ray Smith floors Abyss...and climbs the turnbuckles. Off the top - Moonsault, forget about it. 1....2...3!

My Opinion: One SOLE bright spot in this match keeps it from going into DUD territory. 1/4*.

Short and sweet. Mmm, sweets. Abyss likes that idea. After the show I got a message that these two didn't click, despite having a match just six days earlier that went fine. Must have been the lack of flapjack use in this one.

OVERALL:54 (51, 58)

Backstage, Juvi Guerrera is primping and preening for his date with Paul London later. We've already got enough quasi-gay references going on in wrestling, do we really need more? Juvi's insulted...who ever said he was just quasi-gay?

OVERALL:78%

I HEAR YOU GUYS HAVE SOME GOOD SHIT MATCH FOR THE XPW KING OF THE DEATHMATCH TITLE:

Marty Jannetty vs Psychosis.

Match Background: This will be a last man standing bout. Jannetty is making his debut at this show. This match is for the XPW King Of The Deathmatch title.

The Match: Psychosis hits an irish whip into a shopping cart! Spinning bulldog in the corner and Jannetty is down! Jannetty counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. STIFF high kick on Psychosis by Marty Jannetty. Jannetty hits a dropkick on Psychosis and gets right back up. The referee is counting: 5....6....Psychosis is back up. Flying trash can shot from the top rope! Marty Jannetty hits a rolling kick on Psychosis. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Marty Jannetty misses a clothesline. SUPER frankensteiner on Jannetty, who hit hard and is loopy as a result. The referee counts: 2....3...4....but Jannetty stands up. Jannetty walks into a face crusher variation. Has anyone's face ever really been crushed by one though? The referee counts: 6....7...8....but Jannetty stands up. Psychosis uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Psychosis hits a table shot to the ribs. Jannetty flips out of a Psychosis bodyslam attempt. THERE IT IS! A legdrop to the BACK OF THE HEAD! I swear, that makes any match just a little bit better. I don't mind telling you that every time I see it, that's for sure. Springboard dropkick from Marty Jannetty. Nicely done. Psychosis can barely stand. Rocker Dropper!!! That shook the ring. The referee counts to 10, this match is over!

My Opinion: Usually, this is designated for good matches that were usually way too short for some reason. What's your excuse? *3/4

Apparently people's faces can be busted or crushed, Dames. Either that or Danny Doring was just being a pussy in the first match. Jannetty mistook this for a "Last Man Standing" drinking contest, and winds up becoming a Deathmatch Champion? It'll actually work, as he'll be so zoned and numb from the pills he takes before the matches that he won't feel the pain afterwards.

OVERALL:65 (57,74). Jannetty debuted his "junkie" gimmick to a positive response. Marty Jannetty gained overness from this match. Psicosis loses overness from this match. The XPW King of the Deathmatch title has gained in image. Then, get this...Marty Jannetty is losing overness due to his weak gimmick. How weak can it be getting if he just debuted it to a positive response 10 MINUTES AGO! I've heard of short attention spans, and XPW fans aren't exactly the sharpest knives in the drawer, but damn.

TWO DUDES IN A FEUD:

Kaos vs Steve Bradley.

Match Background: Kaos and Bradley have been feuding recently. So far, Kaos hasn't managed to get a pin or submission over Bradley since the feud started.

The Match: Steve Bradley hits some punches. How generic. Kaos flips out of a Steve Bradley bodyslam attempt. Bradley walks into a high dropkick from Kaos, almost losing several teeth in the process. Kaos misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee accidentally! Vicious kick to the teeth from Kaos. Hooks the leg, but the referee is still out! Bradley backdrops Kaos out of a piledriver attempt. That took a lot out of Steve Bradley. BAAACK Body drop by Kaos gets a bit of a pop from the crowd. Big piledriver on Kaos. Hooks the leg for a two count. Death valley driver (not to be confused with the DVD 500) by Steve Bradley connects and Kaos is down! Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Kaos elbows Steve Bradley in the face to break a hammerlock. Kaos crushes Bradley with a huge legdrop. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Bradley blocks a punch. Lizzy Borden is at ringside! Kaos wastes valuable time by yelling at Borden! Steve Bradley takes advantage of the distraction and nails Kaos from behind! Kaos is in trouble. Here it comes - Roll The Dice. 1....2...3, it's finished. Bradley and Borden put the boots to Kaos, stomping away on him.

My Opinion: *1\2 rating is all it gets from me.

Guess Borden couldn't resist a little doubleteam action, though usually she's the one recieving, not giving. At least if something like that took place the name "Big Bang" wouldn't seem like false advertising. Right now the only people being fucked are the ones who paid for this show.

OVERALL:66 (61, 72)

Backstage, Paul London is being led to the entranceway in shackles and chains. So the top indy prospect in the world is ripping of Kane's schtick? No, it's just a precautionary measure, since London would most likely enjoy removing his toenails with a cheese grater than working for this company.

OVERALL:54%. Paul London lost overness from this segment.

WHY IN THE WORLD AM I HERE TITLE MATCH:

Paul London vs Juvi Guerrera.

Match Background: This match is for the XPW World title.

The Match: Dropkick connects to the BUTT of the jaw and Juvi goes down. London charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Juvi Guerrera connects with a back heel kick on London and gets back up quickly. Juvi Guerrera misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee accidentally! Tiger suplex on London. No Misawa references from me, I swear. Oh, Bloody Hell! Hooks the leg, but the referee is still out! Juvi Guerrera misses a clothesline. Second rope flying axe handle, Juvi goes down. One day, London might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Flying reverse elbow by Paul London. Covers for a quick two count. Diamond Dust from Paul London and Juvi is out! Pin, but Juvi is out just before the three count. Juvi Guerrera pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Juvi crushes London with a running senton. Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Paul London pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Psychosis comes running down the aisle with a chair! Juvi and Paul London continue fighting, unaware of the intrusion. Psychosis slides in and prepares to swing the chair...but Paul London moves! Psychosis accidentally blasts Juvi with a chair to the head! Paul London throws Psychosis out of the ring! Juvi Guerrera gets knocked to the ground by London, who is already climbing the turnbuckle. London Calling!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. Paul London goes into the crowd, where he celebrates his victory

My Opinion: Consider yourself lucky, a ****1\4 is hard to get and it was earned every step of the way. Let's see if you can do better now.

Two matches, two refs go down via clotheslines. Good thing Stan Hansen is retired, or else I'd have several headless zebras running around. London wins the title on sheer bad luck, and again tries to run off, but this time is blocked from doing so by the press (re: two local paperboys and someone doing a project on the exploitation of women in wrestling. Hey, if you need anything, Lizzy's open. Then after you're done you can ask her questions for your paper!). I've gotta say though, for a guy who hates the company he's working for, he gave his best effort to date. The previous match ratings from tonight don't even add up to that one rating. Thank you, Mr. London and Ms. Guerrera!

OVERALL: 83 (70,97). The XPW World Title has gained in image.

OVERALL SHOW RATING:65%

.24 buy rate

3576 people attended

$600000 in PPV revenue, and $107280 in ticket sales.

After the show, I got an email from Abyss asking to be higher up the card, probably because openers and midcard matches interfere with his supper schedule. Marty Jannetty also emailed me, but I think he just wants to be higher AT the shows, not on them. You've got a belt now, Marty. Pawn it off and get your snort on. It's worth about $8.

August 6, 2003

:lol:

Oh and just so you know Zack, if a guy's gimmick sucks ass and makes him lose overness because of it, you need to change it. Yes, it's stupid as hell, but he'll only loose overness till he's gone.

August 6, 2003

I just don't get how his gimmick debuts to a positive response, but then is deemed "weak". The junkie gimmick worked for him in 3.0 (and in real life, it would seem).

August 6, 2003

I just don't get how his gimmick debuts to a positive response, but then is deemed "weak". The junkie gimmick worked for him in 3.0 (and in real life, it would seem).

Your fed might not have high enough risk for it. That would be why.

August 6, 2003

The first installment of the XPW READER CONTEST IS NOW UPON US:

Your mission: Give me PPV names. As normal or out-there as you wish. Stay in storyline, make up random shit, I don't care. I want things more original than "Merry F'N XMas".

Latest installment of Monday Nightmare will be up hopefully tonight.

August 6, 2003

XPW Emission Impossible

Because ripping off Family Guy is cool.

Hold it in the Quahog Sports Arena while you're at it.

Edited August 6, 2003 by The Superstar

rising up out of the back seat-nuh · August 6, 2003

How about XPW: Cripple Fight because ripping off South Park is also cool.

August 7, 2003

Oh man, I almost choked on my turkey sandwich reading that.

Hey, how about for your November PPV: XPW Turkey Stuffers with Lizzie as the Gobblygooker?

....I think I'll leave the creative to you, Zack.

I'm also doing an XPW game. In my scenario, the NOW have demanded Rob Black treat women with equality. So he hires me to do so, which I do by making Tammy Sytch XPW World champion!!! Hey, the title changed hands three times in one night, so it's right up there with the Hardcore title in image.

None of the 20 ladies I hired want to do Buck Naked matches, though. So I guess I'll have to use Supreme and Vic Grimes instead.

August 7, 2003

For April:

PPV: Golden Showers

Zack Malibu · August 9, 2003

XPW Monday Nightmare for September 29, 2003

YOU'RE SMOOTH, BUT DO YOU HAVE SOUL?:

Rudy Ray Smith vs GQ Smooth.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Smooth hits a back kick, doubling Rudy Rayover. Rudy Ray Smith gets hip tossed by Smooth. GQ Smooth arm drags Rudy Ray over and locks on an armbar. Face crusher from Smooth on Rudy Ray sets up for an elbowdrop. Smooth charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Rudy Ray slams GQ Smooth down. Smooth is sure in trouble now. Rudy Ray Smith hits a sloppy double axe handle off the top. Hooks the leg for a two count. Smooth reverses a Rudy Ray Smith hammerlock. Flying elbow off the top rope by GQ Smooth, getting as close to zero air as possible. Covers for a quick two count. GQ Smooth with an enziguri. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Rudy Ray reverses a GQ Smooth hammerlock. Rudy Ray Smith hits Smooth. Smooth counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Flying elbow from GQ Smooth, grazing the target slightly. Lance Silva comes running down the aisle with a chair! Smooth and Rudy Ray Smith continue fighting, unaware of the intrusion. Lance Silva slides in and blasts Rudy Ray Smith with a chair to the head! Silva climbs out of the ring, the damage done! Rudy Ray Smith is in trouble. The Smoothie!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Smooth and Silva are putting the boots to Rudy Ray Smith! Hardcore Homo Angel comes running down the aisle with a chair! He slides in, sending Smooth \ Silva running for cover. Hardcore Homo Angel saved Rudy Ray from a major beating.

My Opinion: Bad match which brought absolutely nothing to the table and was a waste of time. DUD.

Angel turns babyface, and then tells me the next day that he's raising his wages by 10%. Nothing like trying to cash in while the gettings good. I'm sure I'll get the last laugh, as a homosexual in a federation run by the human sperm bank that is Lizzy Borden has about a short a shelf life as Crystal Pepsi.

OVERALL:49 (45, 54). GQ Smooth gained overness from this match. Angel turned face, and gained overness from his turn.

The Ring Crew Express are backstage, celebrating their big Tag Title win from the previous night. They can't believe how they went from being two ring crew guys to...two ring crew guys that are also the World Tag Team Champions! They've celebrated in style by ordering themselves new ring outfits...that's right, they've bought a truckload of 80's rock shirt for themselves. Krokus, Stryper, WASP...all their favorites are here. The truck driver, a big burly fellow, mumbles something about "this isn't what he meant when he said he would sell hundreds of T-shirts". Turns out his name is Konrad, and he was one of the most influential rock promoters of the 80's. He's the one who told Def Leppard that "Love Bites", he's the one who made Twisted Sister say "We're Not Gonna Take It", and he took Corey Hart's advice, wore his Sunglasses At Night...and crashed through the front window of a Burger King. The ensuing lawsuit cost him his fortune, and now he gets by selling this shirts on the cheap. Marcos and Dunn huddle for a moment, and offer Konrad a spot as their "personal roadie", to give him something to at night other than scratch himself and watch Maude reruns on TVLand. Konrad agrees to it, but asks that they buy him a VCR as payment. He needs his Bea Arthur fix just like any man.

OVERALL:57%. All three gained overness from this segment.

Marty Jannetty vs. Abyss

Match Background: This will be a hardcore bout. This match is for the XPW King Of The Deathmatch title. Marty Jannetty has been XPW King Of The Deathmatch champion since 28 September 2003.

The Match: Marty Jannetty kicks the leg, knocks Abyss down, and goes to work on it. Abyss avoids a Marty Jannetty avalanche by getting out of the damn way! Jannetty takes a headbutt from Abyss. The referee bumps after catching a wild right hand and is down. Death valley driver by Abyss! No one executes that move properly anymore. Cover, but there's no one to count for Abyss! Marty Jannetty fights out of a grapple. Abyss takes a thrown chair to the face! Jannetty crushes Abyss with a huge legdrop. Covers for a quick two count. Springboard dropkick from Marty Jannetty. Nicely done. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Abyss counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Abyss scoop slams Jannetty onto and through a table. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Marty Jannetty pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Marty Jannetty moves in for the kill. Rocker Dropper!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!!

My Opinion: When I give out 3/4*, it means that I'm being REALLY nice about it.

WHY does the referee get bumped in a hardcore match? I'm also trying to figure out the physics in Jannetty avalanching Abyss, as he'd just wind up springing backwards off of the big man's body fat. Jannetty eeks out another victory, but is losing overness with this junkie gimmick still. Methinks the fans are just growing tired of him not sharing, as you'd need to be on something to be enjoying this promotion.

OVERALL: 59 (54, 65)

Backstage in the Head Bitch's office, Paul London is brought in, secure in his shackles. Steve Bradley comes in, and while he's cool with Lizzy and all, this little dominatrix thing London has going just doesn't do it for him. No no no, you goon, it's not like that. It's to prevent him from escaping. Bradley:"Uh, rape's not really my thing either, and you know if there's a cop watching this show...". Lizzy finallys breaks through to Bradley that they're just here to sign a contract for a World Title match, which will happen...NEXT!

OVERALL:38%, due to Bradley being a dumbass and drawing this wretched segment out longer than it should have been. No wonder you neve got the callup from Vince. You're not ready for TV kid, even if we do have to bribe the network to air us.

I'M GOING TO STRIP YOU...OF YOUR TITLE:

Paul London vs Steve Bradley.

Match Background: This match is for the XPW World title. Paul London has been XPW World champion since 28 September 2003.

The Match: Fallaway slam by Steve Bradley puts down Paul London. Spear by Steve Bradley. Covers for a quick two count. Bradley goes for a splash but London puts the knees up. London hits a HARD spinning kick to the jaw. Second rope flying axe handle, Bradley goes down. One day, London might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Covers for a quick two count. Diamond Dust from Paul London and Bradley is out! Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Flying elbow from Paul London connects. Bradley pushes out of a Paul London hold. Spear by Steve Bradley. Hooks the leg for a two count. Spear! London is down! Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! BAAACK Body drop by London gets a bit of a pop from the crowd. London takes a headbutt from Steve Bradley. Paul London once again takes the advantage after blocking a few punches and connecting with some forearms. London hits a dropkick on Steve Bradley and gets right back up. Tor-NADO DDT from Paul London, Bradley got planted! Kaos comes running down the aisle with a chair! London and Steve Bradley continue fighting, unaware of the intrusion. Kaos slides in and blasts Steve Bradley with a chair to the head! Kaos climbs out of the ring, the damage done! Paul London has Steve Bradley down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Through the air, London Calling! 1....2....3. Steve Bradley goes nuts, screaming and yelling at everyone within earshot.

My Opinion: Usually, this is designated for good matches that were usually way too short for some reason. What's your excuse? *3/4

Kaos was still pissed off about the night before. Hey, we know the event sucked, but you don't see fans rushing into the ring with chairs, do you? The only one who wishes that woud happen is London. It might cause enough of a diversion for him to get out of this hellhole.

OVERALL:65 (65, 73). The XPW World Title gained overness from this match. How it's gaining overness by being on the one guy who DOESN'T want to hold it must be a glitch in the game. Paging Mr. Ryland!

OVERALL:55%

E-mails:Abyss and Marty Jannetty didn't click, and then Abyss decided to raise his pay by 10%. That's a coincidence, because Jannetty and his dealer has a spat one night, and the next day his dealer raised his prices. Poor Marty can't catch a break. No wonder he's always high.

Rejected by the Comcast Network

.13 rating for the show

359 people

$7180

End of the Month Report:

$1924660 for Finance, having lost $50340 this month

$1080000 in merchandise sales.

Lizzy Borden turned 29. She celebrated by jumping out of her own cake, and shocking her guest by pulling a lit candle out of...OK, just buy the video.

Zack Malibu · August 9, 2003

XPW Monday Nightmare for October 6, 2003

Jonny C. is in the ring to inform us that Lizzy Borden will not be here tonight. Apparently XPW World Champion Paul London was able to pick his locks (with pieces that felt off his belt no less...they did a shoddy job on that thing). Lucky for everybody but Paul, they found him passed out in a phone booth in Reno, but since it's Reno, no one paid much attention. Jonny then welcomes us to his very own interview segment, The C-Breeze! No, not the gusts of wind with faint hints of Lizzy's crotch aroma, but rather "shooting the breeze". His first guests are fellow Whore's Men Steve Bradley, and his rival, Kaos. Bradley brings along some board games he got from his uncle Milton, and asks Kaos to play, but Kaos tips the board over, and asks Bradley where he gets off. Usually in Lizzy's office, as she's bent over the desk howling like Kim Cattral in Porky's. Kaos is sick of Bradley getting ahead by his association with Lizzy, and Bradley retorts, saying that everyone can get head from her, so he's not to blame. Well, that's one way to pack the house next show. Jonny C. notes that Lizzy has booked both men in the Fuckin' Cluster battle royal for the XPW TV Title later tonight, and that'll take place once we sweep the Chutes and Ladders pieces from the ring.

OVERALL:62%. Jonny C. debuted his arrogant gimmick to a positivve response. Steve Bradley debuted his cocky gimmick to a positive response. Kaos and Jonny C. both gained overness from this segment.

MATCH TO EXPRESS MORE INTEREST IN THE EXPRESSES:

Marcos vs Zack Sommers.

Match Background: Teen Show Express and Ring Crew Express have been feuding recently. Ring Crew Express have yet to beat their rivals in the ring since the feud began.

The Match: Zack Sommers hits a rolling kick on Marcos. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Zack crushes Marcos with a huge legdrop. Hooks the leg for a two count. Marcos elbows Zack Sommers in the face to break a hammerlock. A kick from Marcos is delivered to the leg. Flying elbow from Marcos, grazing the target slightly. There's a two count on the pin. Marcos with an enziguri! HBK isn't moving...uh oh. Oh, sorry, I had a flashback to the last time I got fooled. Pin, but Zack is out just before the three count. Zack takes a hard, stinging chop from Marcos. One word: Ow. Zack Sommers pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Flying cross body off the top rope! Hooks the leg for a two count. Tiger suplex on Marcos. No Misawa references from me, I swear. Oh, dammit. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Zack hits a dropkick on Marcos and gets right back up. Marcos walks into a high dropkick from Zack Sommers, almost losing several teeth in the process. Zack goes for a splash but Marcos puts the knees up. Zack walks into a spinning heel kick which almost causes a decapitation! Flying knee to the face from Marcos. For the record it was more of a Rusty Wizard than a Shining one. Dunn comes running down the aisle with a chair! Marcos whips Zack Sommers into the ropes. Dunn jumps onto the apron with the chair! Collision between Dunn, Zack, and the chair! Zack Sommers staggers back into a roll up! 1...2...3! It's over! Marcos and Dunn are beating the hell out of Zack Sommers! Sly Slater sprints down the aisle and slides into the ring! He goes toe-to-toe with Marcos, exchanging punches, while Zack Sommers comes back, sending Dunn out of the ring with a clothesline. Teen Show Express have cleared the ring, driving off Marcos and Dunn!

My Opinion: Sadly, a 1\2* match.

OK, that match read a lot better than 1/2*. Dames even appeared to be enjoying himself during it, so I don't know where we went wrong. Maybe if Zack had actually pulled a mule out of nowhere, it would have been more memorable, but then I would have lost the teen audience that the TSE are gunning for.

OVERALL:51 (37,65)

Backstage, Rudy Ray Smith is strutting through the back, when Hardcore Homo Angel comes walking over. He explains to Rudy that the reason he saved him last week is because he thinks they'd make a good team. Rudy's not so sure about that...he's used to pimpin' ho's and clockin' a grip like his name was Dolemite. Actually, your name IS Dolemite if you want to get technical. Rudy says that Angel has spunk. Angel:"Really?" Rudy:"Yeah, just a little, right there." Angel wipes off the side of lips and asks where they stand as far as teaming, and Rudy says that he'll watch his back, as long as that all Angel promises to do to his.

OVERALL:64%

FUNKY LIKE A JUNKIE FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH FOR THE XPW KING OF THE DEATHMATCH TITLE:

Marty Jannetty vs Matt Cross.

Match Background: This will be a falls count anywhere bout. This match is for the XPW King Of The Deathmatch title. Marty Jannetty has been XPW King Of The Deathmatch champion since 28 September 2003.

The Match: Jannetty just WAFFLES Cross with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! Marty Jannetty dropkicks Cross after leaping off an upturned shopping cart! Implant DDT by Marty Jannetty! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Spin kick by Marty Jannetty to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. Matt Cross pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Flying trash can shot from the top rope! Cross crushes Jannetty with a huge legdrop. Hooks the leg for a two count. Jannetty pushes out of a Matt Cross hold. Flying cross body off the top rope! Hooks the leg for a two count. Springboard dropkick from Marty Jannetty. Nicely done. Pin, but Cross is out just before the three count. Matt Cross pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Spinning back kick from Matt Cross. They brawl to the outside and into the crowd. Kick from Cross. Hooks the leg for a two count. Jannetty takes a kick to the chest. They wind up back in the squared circle. Marty Jannetty comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Marty Jannetty hits a rolling kick on Cross. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Matt Cross is in trouble. Rocker Dropper!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!!

My Opinion: Hmm. Only gets * from me.

Dames needs to stop dwelling on his scars from Konnan's rolling kicks, because I'm sure at least one worker on my roster does it better. Not necessarily Jannetty though, he just kinda falls over and throws his leg in the air. Jannetty's heat for the junkie gimmick was sinking faster than the boat Leo DiCaprio was on, so I changed it to "Fun Drunk". Apparently it confused the fans, because last time they checked, puking in someone else's shoes and telling an 8 year old who's scared of a monster under his bed that Goldschlager would "take the pain away" wasn't funny.

OVERALL:54 (37, 72)

FUCKIN' CLUSTER FOR THE XPW TV TITLE:

10 Man Battle Royal.

Match Background: This match is for the XPW Television title.

The Match: STIFF~! chop lights up JP who covers up to try and stop the agonizing PAIN! Abyss tried to eliminate Josh Prohibition, who hung onto the top rope for dear life! Spin kick by Psychosis to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. Steve Bradley got eliminated by Psychosis. (Elimination # 1) Abyss takes a right hand to the temple from Chetti. I bet those hurt more than Sgt. Slaughter's Noogies. Abyss was eliminated by Chetti. (Elimination # 2) STIFF high kick on Chetti by Chris Hero. Chris Chetti got bundled out by Hero. (Elimination # 3) THERE IT IS! A legdrop to the BACK OF THE HEAD! I swear, that makes any match just a little bit better. I don't mind telling you that every time I see it, that's for sure. Rudy Ray Smith got bundled out by Psychosis. (Elimination # 4) Doring scoops and slams Kaos. What's the difference between a scoop slam and a body slam anyway? Kaos got eliminated by Doring. (Elimination # 5) Back suplex on Psychosis. Doring went for the elimination, but Psychosis held on to the ropes at the last possible second! Implant DDT by Josh Prohibition! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Josh Prohibition kicks the leg, knocks Psychosis down, and goes to work on it. Flying shoulder tackle by Doring sends Jonny C. CRASHING to the mat. Jonny C. just WALKS into a stiff lariat clothesline from Doring. Doring drives a thrust kick into the chest of Hero. Doring threw Chris Hero over the top rope, but Chris Hero skinned the cat to save himself! Danny Doring snap suplexes Hero. Doring threw Chris Hero over the top rope, but Chris Hero skinned the cat to save himself! Jonny C. hits a piledriver on Josh Prohibition. That used to end matches, you know. Jonny C. went for the elimination, but Josh Prohibition held on to the ropes at the last possible second! Nice piledriver on JP. Doring went for the elimination, but Josh Prohibition held on to the ropes at the last possible second! Psychosis crushes JP with a huge legdrop. Psychosis threw Josh Prohibition over the top rope, but Josh Prohibition skinned the cat to save himself! JP takes a NICE hurrancarana from Psychosis. Psychosis threw Josh Prohibition over the top rope, but Josh Prohibition skinned the cat to save himself! Jonny C. walks into a high dropkick from Josh Prohibition, almost losing several teeth in the process. Jonny C. got tossed over the top rope to the floor HARD by JP. (Elimination # 6) JP hits a HARD spinning kick to the jaw. JP went for the elimination, but Chris Hero held on to the ropes at the last possible second! JP uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! JP tried to eliminate Chris Hero, who hung onto the top rope for dear life! Psychosis strikes Doring. Danny Doring got tossed over the top rope to the floor HARD by Psychosis. (Elimination # 7) Chris Hero connects with rights and lefts and Josh Prohibition is down! Hero tried to eliminate Josh Prohibition, who hung onto the top rope for dear life! STIFF high kick on Hero by Josh Prohibition. JP threw Chris Hero over the top rope, but Chris Hero skinned the cat to save himself! Psychosis strikes Hero. Psychosis went for the elimination, but Chris Hero held on to the ropes at the last possible second! Hero takes a NICE hurrancarana from Josh Prohibition. JP went for the elimination, but Chris Hero held on to the ropes at the last possible second! Flying elbow from Josh Prohibition connects. Psychosis was eliminated by JP. (Elimination # 8) Double arm suplex by Chris Hero connects as JP hits hard. Vertical suplex by Chris Hero. Chris Hero moves in for the kill. Hero's Welcome!!! That shook the ring. Josh Prohibition got eliminated by Hero.

My Opinion: Not good enough to earn an entire star. 3/4* for you.

I'll gladly take that 3/4*, Dames. Lardass Keith can't be bothered to rate battle royals, probably because there's too much guy on guy action that it makes his ears steam. I spend the opening segment hyping up the Kaos/Bradley feud, and Bradley (heel) gets eliminated by Psicosis (heel). Meanwhile Kaos (face) gets eliminated by Doring (face)and Kaos and Bradley never even came into contact. At least there was some "reality" continuity, as Kaos and Doring have feuded in the real XPW. However, if this were "real", Paul London wouldn't be working for them. Lizzy Borden, however, would still be a whore.

OVERALL:56 (48, 65).

SHOW OVERALL:55%

SHOW RATING:.14

356 people

$7120 in ticket sales

Lightning Flik · August 10, 2003

*laughs* OMG~! Funny as always~!

Keep her up Zack.

August 10, 2003

and he took Corey Hart's advice, wore his Sunglasses At Night...and crashed through the front window of a Burger King.

i thought he did it so he could, so he could, keep track of the visions in his dreams.

KingPK · August 10, 2003

Hey, don't mess around with the man in shades oh, no.

Oh, no.

Zack Malibu · August 12, 2003

XPW Monday Nightmare for October 13, 2003

Jonny C. of the Four Whore's Men is here to open up the show this week with his interview segment The C-Breeze. This week's guests are scheduled to be Howie Mandel, Steve Guttenberg, and the music of Ray Parker Jr. Because when you need celebs on the cheap, who ya gonna call? Thumbs up, cheap pop there Jonny. Too bad you're supposed to be a heel. Unfortunately the celebs cancelled, so Jonny had to find someone of notoriety on the XPW roster, and has chosen the newly crowned XPW Television Champion, Chris Hero. Chris doesn't exactly get a Hero's welcome, as the fans are still unsure of whether to latch onto my latest push. Before the champ can either advance himself up the card or kill himself dead in the water, he's jumped from behind by...Steve Irwin? NO! NO! IT'S CROCODILE DUPREE~! Croc bludgeons Hero with a boomerang, and then tosses the evidence into the crowd...and it comes right back around and nails Jonny C. in the forehead. Hey, at least it gives Dupree open opportunity with the mic. The WWA? couldn't handle the Down Underworld, but Dupree will not be denied again. When all is said and done, his name will be up there alongside such Aussie luminaries as Russel Crowe, Mel Gibson, and Yahoo Serious.

OVERALL:66%. Jonny C. and Chris Hero both gained overness due to the awesome charismatic powers of Crocodile Dupree~!

Avenging Disco Angel and Rudy Ray Smith vs Youthanazia.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Angel hits a right hand. Rude Awakening neckbreaker on Matt Cross by Angel. Remember when that was a legit finish? Death valley driver by Avenging Disco Angel! No one executes that move properly anymore. Cross tags out to Josh Prohibition. STIFF high kick on Angel by Josh Prohibition. Avenging Disco Angel reverses a hip toss. Forearm to the face from Angel on JP. Tag between Avenging Disco Angel and Rudy Ray Smith. Avenging Disco Angel scoops up JP. Rudy Ray bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Rudy Ray Smith DDTs JP, but it just looked terrible. Rudy Ray DDTs Josh Prohibition. Rudy Ray tags out to Avenging Disco Angel. Josh Prohibition can barely stand. Here it comes - Circumsizer. 1....2...3, it's finished. Youthanazia look like they aren't done...and they attack Angel \ Rudy Ray! After an exchange of blows, Angel and Rudy Ray are laid out in the ring.

My Opinion: Not good enough to earn an entire star. 3/4* for you.

Hey, I'd fight back if a blatant homosexual circumsized me in front of milli...thous...the people we paid to fill the arena. And by arena I mean "wharehouse on a loading dock" and by people I mean "dock workers, hookers and hobos". Only in XPW can Josh and Matt, two whitebread boys if there ever were, get away with a bona fide hate crime. However the same can be said for our shows...in some cultures they're used as a form of torture. Lizzy thinks thats kinky.

Oh, and if you're wondering what's up with the name change for Angel, it's because tag team partners have to blend. No way was Soul Brutha Smith going to start wearing pink leopard thongs and belly shirts, uh uh. He undresses da ho's, he don't dress like 'em.

OVERALL:53 (38,69).

Kaos is in the back with XTC. Better not announce that to everyone in earshot, kid. Marty Jannetty is liable to tackle you to the ground and go all Tito Ortiz on you for that shit. Oops, XTC is Kaos' new valet. Given the track record of most women in this company, you're better off with the drugs. Kaos and XTC promise Steve Bradley that their feud is far from over, which makes Bradley happy. He hasn't gotten this much attention since his feud with Kwee Wee after the WCW buyout.

OVERALL: 49%. XTC gained overness from this segment.

HARDCORE THREE WAY THAT LIZZY BORDEN IS NOT INVOLVED IN FOR THE XPW KING OF THE DEATHMATCH TITLE

Marty Jannetty vs Abyss vs Steve Bradley.

Match Background: This will be a hardcore bout. This match is for the XPW King Of The Deathmatch title. Marty Jannetty has been XPW King Of The Deathmatch champion since 28 September 2003.

The Match: Trying to channel the spirit of Misawa, Steve Bradley ends up chanelling Lex Luger instead and nails a running forearm to the face, minus the steel plate, of course. Steve Bradley hits some punches. How generic. Marty Jannetty reverses a hip toss. Hip toss onto a chair by Jannetty! Spear by Abyss. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Fallaway slam by Steve Bradley puts down Abyss. Abyss backdrops Steve Bradley out of a piledriver attempt. That took a lot out of Abyss. Jannetty \ Abyss hook up Bradley, then hit a double suplex. Bradley walks into a face crusher variation. Has anyone's face ever really been crushed by one though? Chair shot connects! Marty Jannetty is able to duck a clothesline attempt and connect with a counter clothesline. Jannetty uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Kaos comes running down the aisle with a chair! Jannetty and Steve Bradley continue fighting, unaware of the intrusion. Kaos slides in and blasts Steve Bradley with a chair to the head! Kaos climbs out of the ring, the damage done! Marty Jannetty moves in for the kill. Rocker Dropper! 1....2....3.

My Opinion: Nothing special...nothing special at all. *1/4

I don't really think Dames is buying this stuff as the finish. I just think he's crossing his fingers, praying for the matches to end while his corneas die a slow death as he's stuck watching this pap. Bradley channeling the spirit of Lex Luger doesn't sound so good for his career...or Lizzy's well being. Jannetty's in the pink though...now he's got a new dealer!

OVERALL:63 (54, 72). The King of the Deathmatch Title gained overness from this match.

RAN FOR THE BORDER VS. SOUTH OF THE BORDER

Paul London vs Psychosis.

Match Background: This match is for the XPW World title. Paul London has been XPW World champion since 28 September 2003.

The Match: London hits a HARD spinning kick to the jaw. Paul London connects with a back heel kick on Psychosis and gets back up quickly. Second rope flying axe handle, Psychosis goes down. One day, London might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Implant DDT by Paul London! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Psychosis blocks the suplex attempt and is able to hit the suplex instead! Hard back suplex on London. Come to think of it, that move had WAY too much power in No Mercy for N64. Super kick by Psychosis. Hooks the leg for a two count. London powers out of a headlock. London crushes Psychosis with a running senton. Hooks the leg for a two count. Springboard dropkick from Paul London. Nicely done. Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Psychosis blocks a kick from Paul London. Psychosis just WAFFLES London with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! Psychosis charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Implant DDT by Paul London! I will always and forever mark out for that move. The bell rings. The referee declares that the time limit has expired, and the match is a draw.

My Opinion: They definitely need to hook up again, I don't care what anyone says. ***1\2

Waffles...chops...eats boot...think Dames was getting hungry during this show? Heat up some Hot Pockets or something, Damian. Luckily for those who care about workrate in this company, London was recaptured by customs agents at the Mexican border. Turns out he grabbed Jannetty's bag by mistake, and let's just say that the border guards had a hell of a party while London was locked up with some drunk guy in a sombrero who babbled about Maury Povich being the root of all evil. Well you don't have to be drunk to realize that, do you?

OVERALL:77 (65, 90). The XPW World Title has gained overness from this match.

62% Overall

.14 rating

346 people with $6920 in ticket sales.

Thanks to everyone for the PPV suggestions, they'll most likely all get used. Any other feud ideas, hirings, gimmicks, etc. let me know. Feedback both positive and negative is appreciated.

Zack Malibu · August 12, 2003

ARGH~! Damn this game. I'm not used to the fact that events are not always at the end of the month now, so guess who had a PPV...scratch that, since I didn't realize it was this week, I had a LARGE EVENT. ARGH~!

XPW Fallout (Large Event)

This entire event was booked on the fly. That's not just a quip either. Lizzy was out of paper, so she just grabbed what was right in front of her. Steve Bradley now has tonight's match list embedded on the crotch of his 501's.

Hosted by Jon Ian and Chris English

Before the show can get underway, Crocodile Dupree is out. He's going to make this short and sweet, mate: he wants to challenge Chris Hero for the XPW Television Title later tonight. Hero makes his way out, and says that he's going to offer Dupree and Hero's Welcome into XPW. Dupree's unsure of that...his last "welcoming commitee" consisted of Lizzy Borden, a feather duster and a midget named Elvin who had a handlebar moustache. He's still scarred from that, so just a match will do.

OVERALL:54%. Crocodile Dupree lost overness from this segment.

HEY, WE'RE FEUDING SO LETS MAKE THIS SHOW MEAN SOMETHING MATCH FOR THE XPW WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES:

Ring Crew Express vs Teen Show Express.

Match Background: Teen Show Express and Ring Crew Express have been feuding recently. This match is for the XPW Tag Team titles. Ring Crew Express have been XPW Tag Team champions since 28 September 2003.

The Match: Dropkick connects to the BUTT of the jaw and Zack goes down. Dunn hits a rolling kick on Zack. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. There's a two count on the pin. Tag to Marcos. Ring Crew Express hook up Zack, then hit a double suplex. Covers for a quick two count. Marcos hits a soaring kick on Zack. Zack Sommers avoids a Marcos avalanche by getting out of the damn way! Lightning kick by Zack on Marcos. There's a two count on the pin. Zack tags out to Sly Slater. Back heel kick from Sly on Marcos but it misses by miles. Pin, but Marcos is out just before the three count. Marcos takes a hard, stinging chop from Sly. One word: Ow. Marcos elbows Sly Slater in the face to break a hammerlock. Sly takes a hard, stinging chop from Marcos. One word: Ow. Tag to Dunn. Spinning back kick from Dunn. Tag between Sly Slater and Zack Sommers. Zack takes a flying neckbreaker from Dunn. Dunn has Zack Sommers down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Off the top - All Dunn, forget about it. 1....2...3! Ring Crew Express signal to each other...and they attack Teen Show Express! After an swift brawl, Zack and Sly are left down in the ring.

My Opinion: Not good enough to earn an entire star. 3/4* for you.

This feud reminds me of the feud between the Midnight Express and the Rock N' Roll Express. You know, because both teams have "Express" in their names. OK, now I'm really stretching. I might as well throw Federal Express in their as well, because if you squint, their deliveryman looks like Bobby Eaton.

OVERALL:56 (42, 70). The XPW World Tag Team Titles have gained in image.

The Four Whore's Men are backstage to warn Kaos that he's got no idea what he's gotten into. Actually, the feud is about what Kaos HASN'T gotten into guys, namely Lizzy's nether region. Only in XPW would a guy be targetted by heels for NOT getting the girl, or in Lizzy's case "fucking the dirty bitch who looks like Courtney Love after being hit in the face with an anvil". Graphic depiction, but we're firm believers in truth in advertising.

OVERALL:71%. Jonny C. gained overness from this segment.

THEY'VE BEEN ON TV A TOTAL OF THREE TIMES BUT THEY'RE FIGHTING FOR THE XPW TELEVISION TITLE:

Crocodile Dupree vs Chris Hero.

Match Background: Hero and Croc are currently feuding. Neither has managed to get an in-ring victory in this feud. This match is for the XPW Television title. Chris Hero has been XPW Television champion since 06 October 2003.

The Match: Hero takes a headbutt from Crocodile Dupree. STIFF~! chop lights up Hero who covers up to try and stop the agonizing PAIN! Fallaway slam by Crocodile Dupree puts down Chris Hero. Bodyslam by Croc. Chris Hero once again takes the advantage after blocking a few punches and connecting with some forearms. Bodyslam by Hero. Massive back suplex! Crocodile Dupree got snapped in half, but not literally because that would just end the match now wouldn't it. Hooks the leg for a two count. Croc blocks a kick from Chris Hero. Massive backbreaker on Hero and I get happy flashbacks to Bret Hart's Five Moves of DOOM. Covers for a quick two count. High Angle DDT by Crocodile Dupree just SPIKES Chris Hero down! Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Chris Hero powers out of a Crocodile Dupree headlock. Hero drives a HARD forearm into the chest of Croc. Croc blocks a punch. Croc slams Chris Hero down and motions to the crowd. Chris Hero slams Croc, who rolls onto his stomach. What is Crocodile Dupree doing? Chris Hero picks him up and signals for a powerbomb. He raises Croc up...but then falls backward, getting crushed by his opponent in the process! Crocodile Dupree is on top! 1....2....3! Looking at the replay, it appears that Croc had taken a chain out of his tights and wrapped it around his fist! Chris Hero must have been punched with that chain while in mid-powerbomb! What a cheap shot! Crocodile Dupree slides out of the ring to the floor, then turns and leaves through the crowd. He's happy to have the win, and evidently isn't going to hang around for Hero to get some payback.

My Opinion: I'll give a 1\2* rating because they were actually able to hit a couple of spots.

Well gee, Dames, do you THINK he hit him in mid-move, or could it have been a Jedi Mindtrick? Crocodile Dupree gets a title his first match in the promotion, and if that doesn't say "he'll be shoved down your throats on each and every show from now on" then I don't know how I can spell it out for you.

OVERALL:58% (53, 63). The XPW Television Title has gained in image.

Marty Jannetty, the XPW King of the Deathmatch Champion, is out as a guest on The C-Breeze. Jonny takes pleasure in mocking Jannetty, saying his recent wins are the only things that are clean about him. Jannetty's not sure what he's trying to say, so Jonny makes it clear that he frowns on his drug use. That's fine with Marty, just more for him. Marty goes to leave, as this party has gotten lame, when Jonny spins him back around. Jonny accuses him of being a poser, saying that he "snorts chalk". "THAT HAPPENED ONCE WHEN I WAS BROKE!" Jannetty yells, and it's ON, because we've got another segment to fill!

OVERALL:58%. Both men gained overness from this segment.

IMPROMPTU TABLES MATCH FOR THE XPW KING OF THE DEATHMATCH TITLE:

Marty Jannetty vs Jonny C..

Match Background: This will be a tables bout. This match is for the XPW King Of The Deathmatch title. Marty Jannetty has been XPW King Of The Deathmatch champion since 28 September 2003.

The Match: Jannetty just WAFFLES Jonny C. with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! Marty Jannetty goes to suplex Jonny C. through a table, but he slips out the backdoor. Second rope flying axe handle, Jonny C. goes down. One day, Jannetty might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Jannetty uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Jonny C. reverses a waistlock. Jonny C. pulls Jannetty onto the table for a powerbomb, but he uses a backdrop to get out of the predicament. Big piledriver on Jannetty. Marty Jannetty pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Spinning bulldog in the corner and Jonny C. is down! Tor-NADO DDT from Marty Jannetty, Jonny C. got planted! Jonny C. is able to duck a clothesline attempt and connect with a counter clothesline. Jonny C. connects with rights and lefts and Marty Jannetty is down! Jonny C. drops an elbow...but Marty Jannetty moves out of the way. Marty Jannetty hits a rolling kick on Jonny C.. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Jannetty throws Jonny C. onto the table, climbs to the top rope...and uses a flying elbow drop to collapse the table and pick up a victory.

My Opinion: Not good enough to earn an entire star. 3/4* for you.

Jannetty learned (re:stole) that elbow from Shawn Michaels. Jonny C. was starting to gain overness with every segment he was in, so I had to feed him to one of my older, experienced stars who are just broken down versions of their former selves. Hey, just like WWE!

OVERALL:57 (49,66). The KODM Title has gained in image.

Lizzy Borden and Steve Bradley are alone in the Head Bitch's office. Guess what they're doing? This whole segment was just to drive home the fact that Lizzy is a slut. A big slut. Who likes to fuck. Constantly. Endlessly. Anally. Hey, we planned on this show being on PPV, you can get away with everything on there.

OVERALL:43%. Steve Bradley loses overness from this segment.

THROWN TOGETHER TAG MATCH TO FURTHER A FEUD:

Kaos and Danny Doring vs Steve Bradley and Abyss.

Match Background: This is a continuation of the Kaos vs Bradley feud.

The Match: Second rope flying axe handle, Abyss goes down. One day, Kaos might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Kaos crushes Abyss with a huge legdrop. There's a two count on the pin. Tag between Kaos and Danny Doring. Doring \ Kaos whip Abyss into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Big dropkick by Danny Doring, who got a ton of air on the move. Covers for a quick two count. Doring drives a HARD forearm into the chest of Abyss. Doring drops an elbow...but Abyss moves out of the way. Abyss scores with a standing spinebuster. Abyss tags out to Steve Bradley. Fallaway slam by Steve Bradley puts down Danny Doring. Big piledriver on Doring. Danny Doring fights out of a grapple. Doring tags out to Kaos. Bradley takes a NICE hurrancarana from Kaos. DDT from the top rope by Kaos. That looked KILLER. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Kaos hits a HARD spinning kick to the jaw. Kaos gets taken down out of nowhere! Spinebuster by Steve Bradley. Kaos is in trouble. Here it comes - Roll The Dice. 1....2...3, it's finished.

My Opinion: *1/4 rating. Don't be upset. There are people in third world countries who can barely afford one star, let alone one and a quarter.

Kaos gets taken down "out of nowhere", then falls victim to a spinebuster and Test's finisher? Well if Bradley can work WWE style on my shows, why in the hell did he never get the callup? Probably because he wasn't banging any McMahons. Why do you think he throws Lizzy the meat missle every chance he gets? Well, being that this is XPW, he'd probably be getting a push anyways, but don't tell him that. Karma (and by karma I mean genital sores) will catch up with him later.

OVERALL:62 (54, 71).

MIGHT AS WELL TRY AND GET SOMETHING GOOD OUT OF THIS SHOW:

Paul London vs Juvi Guerrera vs Psychosis.

Match Background: This will be an elimination bout. This match is for the XPW World title. Paul London has been XPW World champion since 28 September 2003.

The Match: Dropkick connects to the BUTT of the jaw and London goes down. Psychosis hits a HARD spinning kick to the jaw. London blocks the suplex attempt and is able to hit the suplex instead! Psychosis takes a flying neckbreaker from Paul London. Spinning bulldog in the corner and London is down! Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Second rope flying axe handle, Juvi goes down. One day, Psychosis might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Psychosis charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. London \ Juvi whip Psychosis into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. Vicious kick to the teeth from Paul London. Cover gets three for Paul London, Psychosis got pinned. Flying reverse elbow by Paul London. London drops an elbow...but Juvi Guerrera moves out of the way. Vicious kick to the teeth from Juvi Guerrera. There's a two count on the pin. Juvi goes for a splash but London puts the knees up. Flying reverse elbow by Paul London. Marty Jannetty comes running down the aisle and onto the apron! Juvi turns...and is dropped throat-first onto the top rope by Jannetty! Marty Jannetty has left Juvi in big trouble. Juvi Guerrera gets knocked to the ground by London, who is already climbing the turnbuckle. Off the top - London Calling, forget about it. 1....2...3!

My Opinion: *** rating for an above average match.

The Mexicans had a problem with London trying to escape to their homeland. They don't like no gringos messing with their tequila, or their women. Or in Juvi's case, men. We think. So the Mexicans gets used simply for their labor, while the man who wishes he was elsewhere gets tackled to the floor and knocked out with a ragfull of ether. Is Jim Cornette booking for me now? Nah, it's one of the few ways we can keep him subdued long enough to get the shackles on.

OVERALL:76 (69, 84). The XPW World Title has gained overness.

60% overall. $43620 made from 1454 people who thought they were coming to see a Peter, Paul and Mary concert.

Zack Malibu · August 13, 2003

XPW Monday Nightmare for October 20, 2003

Hosted by Chris English and Jon Ian

I'LL JUST ADD TWO MORE PEOPLE TO THE MATCH AND YOU'LL NEVER NOTICE THIS FREAKIN' FEUD IS STILL GOING:

Dunn, Marcos, and Konrad vs Zack Sommers, Sly Slater, and Mary Beth Kapowski.

Match Background: This is a continuation of the Teen Show Express vs Ring Crew Express feud. Ring Crew Express are the reigning XPW Tag Team champions, and have been since 28 September 2003.

The Match: Dunn connects with a back heel kick on Zack and gets back up quickly. Zack takes a flying neckbreaker from Dunn. Dunn tags out to Konrad. Zack Sommers takes a butterfly suplex from Konrad. Reverse DDT on Zack. Hooks the leg for a two count. Konrad tags out to Marcos. Konrad \ Marcos whip Zack into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. Zack Sommers takes a knee lift from Marcos. *sigh* Running knee lifts always remind me of the late Curt Hennig. Zack counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Zack hits a dropkick on Marcos and gets right back up. Tag between Zack Sommers and Sly Slater. Face crusher from Sly on Marcos sets up for an elbowdrop. Sly Slater blasts Marcos with a superkick. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Sly hits a soaring kick on Marcos. Tag to Mary Beth Kapowski. Mary Beth Kapowski punches away at Marcos only to get the tides turned quickly. Mary Beth hits a dropkick on Marcos. Marcos reverses a waistlock. Marcos tags out to Dunn. Flying elbow from Dunn connects. Tag to Zack Sommers. Zack Sommers connects with a back heel kick on Dunn and gets back up quickly. Flying reverse elbow by Zack Sommers. Dunn slugs Zack Sommers, sending him down into the corner. While Dunn fires up the crowd, Zack is removing the turnbuckle pad! Dunn comes over...but Zack goes low! Zack Sommers gets up, then goes for the irish whip into the corner, but Dunn reverses! Zack Sommers goes head first into them, knocking him silly! Schoolboy from Dunn: 1....2....3! The referee never noticed the exposed turnbuckle. Another referee comes running down the aisle, and points out the exposed steel turnbuckle to the assigned official. The referee reverses the decision! He is disqualifying Dunn for using it to gain an advantage!

My Opinion: Sadly, a 1\2* match.

I know, I know. A DQ in XPW, of all places. They have a King of the Deathmatch title, but running into an exposed turnbuckle is apparently a cardinal sin. After the match George Steele comes out and devours the padding on every turnbuckle. There, now that one exposed piece isn't so out of place, is it?

OVERALL:52% (37, 67).

After we clear the ring of the feathers, which will be used to make headdresses for Rob Black's latest flick, Geroniho (or How I Learned To Stop Masturbating and Nail a Native American), GQ Smooth and Lance Silva come on out. They wanna know what's up with Angel turning his back on the rest of the heels. Guys, it's nothing new...he did that voluntarily. Just because you didn't take him up on the offer doesn't mean you can run him down. Avenging Disco Angel (accompanied to the ring by his new "It's Raining Men" theme, which isn't from the disco era that he and Rudy Ray are trying to portray, but we've only got a One Hit Wonders CD in the back tonight and it's the closest we could come. This also explains why Kaos came out to Rockwell's "Somebody's Watching Me" later tonight, and why Marty Jannetty was jamming to "Rock Me Amadeus" before the show. Back to the promo, and GQ and Lance are so disgusted by Angel (who waves his ass at them and encourages some two on one action) that they ready for attack, until Rudy Ray Smith makes the save, taking both of them out with Tornado Punches~! Rudy Ray tries to help Angel up, with Angel tries to pull him down. Rudy gets the better of it, and drags his flaming little friend to the back, as the Whore's Men demand vengeance.

OVERALL:56%. GQ Smooth and Lance Silva gained overness from this segment.

Crocodile Dupree is in the back, shining up his brand new XPW Television Belt. Chris Hero isn't here tonight, and that's a good thing, otherwise Dupree would have forced him to endure the worst Australian torture there is: watching The Wiggles. When kids are encouraged to watch guys like that on a consistent basis, it's no wonder many of them turn out like Angel. Well, Angel never had The Wiggles, he had Bert and Ernie. Nothing more needs to be said about that that hasn't been already.

OVERALL:69%. All the innuendo going around in the company, and it's Croc who gets the first 69 in the company. Must be the outfit.

Marty Jannetty and Kaos come out to the ring for an interview, but neither man is sure what to say. Kaos keeps saying "Line" under his breath in hopes that someone on the staff will throw him a bone, while Jannetty slides out of the ring and starts looking around. Enraged, Marty gets back in and yells "YOU LIED TO ME!" before choking Kaos. The Four Whore's Men arrive, luckily on cue to interrupt before Kaos gets strangled mistakenly in Marty's coke-filled haze. Steve Bradley is tired of Kaos, and tired of Jannetty's blatant disregard of authority. Nothing personal Steve, I just don't know what I'm doing. Bradley doesn't wanna hear his excuses, but Marty's serious. One night he woke up in fishnets and a leopard thong next to Jake Roberts. I guess not knowing what you're doing is best in a case like that. Bradley doesn't care what kind of fetishes Marty has, he doesn't want him or Kaos representing the company as a champion of any kind, and proposes a Three Way Dance for the KODM Title...NOW!

OVERALL:62%. Kaos, Marty Jannetty, and Jonny C. gained overness from this segment.

JUNKIES ARE PEOPLE TOO MATCH FOR THE XPW KING OF THE DEATHMATCH TITLE:

Marty Jannetty vs Kaos vs Steve Bradley.

Match Background: This will be a hardcore bout. Kaos and Bradley have been feuding for quite some time now. This match is for the XPW King Of The Deathmatch title. Marty Jannetty has been XPW King Of The Deathmatch champion since 28 September 2003.

The Match: Jannetty just WAFFLES Bradley with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! Marty Jannetty connects with a back heel kick on Kaos and gets back up quickly. Steve Bradley is able to duck a clothesline attempt and connect with a counter clothesline. Bradley hits Jannetty with a plastic dinosaur! Bradley takes a NICE hurrancarana from Kaos. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Kaos takes a flying neckbreaker from Marty Jannetty. Kaos once again takes the advantage after blocking a few punches and connecting with some forearms. Bradley \ Kaos whip Jannetty into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. Brutal sit out powerbomb on Jannetty! Kaos hits a face jam on Steve Bradley onto a chair! Bradley blocks the suplex attempt and is able to hit the suplex instead! BAAACK Body drop by Jannetty gets a bit of a pop from the crowd. Marty Jannetty is in trouble. Roll The Dice! 1....2....3.

My Opinion: Well, hello there *1/4 rating, how are you?

Marty just wasn't the same after that dinosaur shot. I don't know how someone is such a permanent fog can be dazed by being hit with a childrens toy, but I try not to argue with a legend like Marty Jannetty. It would probably just lead to vague recollections of smoking a crack pipe while he had sex with a ringrat in a toilet stall in Memphis. With skills like that it's apparent he probably was the more talented Rocker. Bradley gets a belt and head back to celebrate with the rest of the Whore's Men and Lizzy Borden. Lizzy said she'd give him a spread if he won, and NEWSFLASH, she doesn't work for a magazine. Draw your conclusions, children.

OVERALL:63 (54, 72). The XPW King of the Deathmatch Title has gained in image.

59% OVERALL

.13 rating. 322 people paid $6440.

Zack Malibu · August 13, 2003

Time for more fan participation:

I've let go a few open contract guys that I have no real use for (Chetti, Doring, etc.) and I need to hire more. That, and Chris Hero, after just starting a feud with Crocodile Dupree, goes out for SIXTEEN MONTHS with a knee injury! Before I get desperate and have to resort to "Coat Rack Chris Hero", spill some ideas here, and maybe you'll see them come to fruition.

Stupid injury list ::grumbles::.

August 13, 2003

Vacate the belt, put it on Dupree...

And bring in his new challenger...Doug "the Dingo Killer" Williams!

BRITAIN VS. AUSTRALIA, THE STRUGGLE FOR INDEPENDENCE THAT NEVER HAPPENED!

Zack Malibu · August 13, 2003

Dupree HAS the belt...

SOMEONE has only been scanning the shows...

XPW EWR Diary (offshoot of WWA?)

Recommended Posts

Guest Zack Malibu

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Guest Zack Malibu

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Guest Lightning Flik

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Guest Zack Malibu

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Guest Lightning Flik

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Guest the 1inch punch

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Guest Zack Malibu

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Guest Lightning Flik

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Guest Zack Malibu

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Guest Lightning Flik

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Guest Zack Malibu

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Guest Lightning Flik

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Guest Zack Malibu

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Guest Lightning Flik

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Guest Zack Malibu

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Guest The Superstar

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

rising up out of the back seat-nuh 0

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Guest Kingpk

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Guest Lightning Flik

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Zack Malibu 0

Share this post