The Return Of The Gnomes

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

 

WE'RE BACK.

 

 

I've decided to write a How To Guide on Gnome Wars due to the enduring popularity of the past Gnome Wars. Here We Go...

 

SUPPLIES,PROPS, AND OTHER THINGS YOU'LL NEED

 

Lawn Gnomes...d'uh. The best source is at local garage sales. You'll need as many as you can find. 10 is a good number to start with.

 

Flashlights.

Friends willing to help. This is very important.

Ski Masks and Dark clothing

Superglue,rope,paper,pens,etc.

hats,waterguns,beer cans, and other props.

 

PICKING YOUR TARGET

 

Pick someone who won't automaticaly suspect you. Try to choose someone who is universally loather or envied. Like the guy down the street with the ferrari and 3 girl friends...god damn prick.

 

Don't choose someone who has a dog. getting Rabies shots suck.

 

Make sure to look for NRA and Hell's Angels paraphenalia. Some people even Gnomes don't fuck with.

 

Leave Seniors alone you sick fucks. They're probably to blind to see a gnome anyway.

 

The ideal target is between the age of 30-50, overweight, and stupid. These people are commonly refered to as "Americans". (Sorry couldn't resist.)

 

GNOME TYPES

 

I used a variety of different Gnomes to get the maximum effect. Here's a description of some of them and the names I use for them.

 

The "Spiderpoet" Gnome: These Gnomes resemble Bibical characters. To be used only to scare religious people.

 

The "Agnes" Gnome: Brightly Dressed and gay looking. Scares straight people. Just like their namesake.

 

"Dutchman" Gnomes: Hairy and ugly these should be used to scare housewives and children.

 

These are only three types, there are hundreds. Don't forget you can superglue props on the gnomes making them even more diverse.

 

THE NEXT STEP:

 

You've got your supplies and picked your taget, now you're ready to move to the scouting phase. Wait for a dark night then suit up and scout out the enemy territory for prime locations and trouble spots. Pick the best spots possible for Gnome placements nd remember them. The best spots are where the gnomes will be noticed immediatly after exiting the house.

 

Now you're ready to go to war.

 

CONDUCTING THE WAR

 

I'm going to outline the opening of the war and give some advice on how to procede. It's up to you to choose exactly what to do.

 

Night 1: Place a Lawn Gnome on the doorstep.

 

Night 2: Three Gnomes

 

Night 3: Four gnomes. One pointing a "gun" at the others.

 

Night 4: Scatter gnome fragments all over the lawn and have one Gnome survive standing over the broken heads with a hammer.

 

Night 5: The Gnome Circle. Make a spread out circle of gnomes surronding the home. Pick gnomes with intense eyes.

 

From there it's up to you.

 

SOME ADVICE

 

Don't put out gnomes every night or you'll get busted. Swith up times and days, take breaks and even skip whole weeks. It makes the victim think you've given up.

 

Stage Diversions. Have your friends make noise out front while you place gnomes out back. Set off fire crackers,etc. Distract and place.

 

Never get cocky. Remember you can get sent to jail if caught.

 

KNOWING WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

 

You can only go so long before getting caught or running out of ideas. Try to keep your wars under 2 months long. If you aren't getting a reaction you never will.

 

THE PRANKS

 

Here's one or two of my favorites.

 

Gnome Bash: The nieghbors leave for the weekend. Partytime for the gnomes. Toss beer cans and cigs all over the backyard and lay gnomes out like they are passed out. Barbie dolls as bitches optional.

 

Gnome Cowboys: Dress them up like cowboys and give them waterguns. Dumb but funny.

 

Gnomes Afire: I did this for Halloween. Wire the gnomes up with firecrackers. Set them off. All the gnomes but one will explode. Leave one gnome standing...holding a lighter.

 

The Victory Gnoming: The nieghbors have given up and are moving. To hurry them up pay a neighboorhood kid 5 bucks to take them a lawn gnome. Tell him to say some creepy homeless guy gave it to him.

 

 

GNOME PICS:

 

I know you want them

 

 

 

 

 

 

SPECIAL THANKS

 

Bx

kinetic

Dutch

Agnes

Zack

Evenflow

Spiderpoet

TimMoysey

Sass

and all the others who helped me with the Gnome Wars.

[rising up out of the back seat-nuh 0]

This should really be pinned

[Guest T®ITEC]

Also, this should be on the website. Forever.

[The Kid 0]

Awesome...but where the fuck is my credit? I helped I helped

 

Glad to see this back, favorite thing ever on TSM.

[The Kid 0]

IT WAS ME ALLLLL ALONG!!! IT WAS ME!!!

..oh wait, I did nothing...IT WAS ALL MEEEEE!!!!!

[BX 0]

When customizing your gnomes, try to refer back to the Weapons System from Final Fantasy X.

 

Also, you must always be aware that the neighbors MIGHT catch on. During the Great Gnomes Terror of 2002, CWM was constantly on the lookout for cameras and such. I'd advise you to mix it up a little, take a few nights off, whatever it takes to throw off the target.

[dutchse.cx 0]

starrdust1110: "Dutchman" Gnomes: Hairy and ugly these should be used to scare housewives and children.

starrdust1110: that's just funny

House Ampoliros: I'm gonna have to beat the piss out of CWM aren't I?

starrdust1110: HAHAHA

[Garth 0]

That was some of the funniest stuff i've read, i've so gotta try that around here some when.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

The "Spiderpoet" Gnome: These Gnomes resemble Bibical characters. To be used only to scare religious people.

 

You bastard, the gnomish crucifixion and resurrection was MY idea, and I scare more religious people than he does anyway. REPRESENT.

 

You could smear some tacky makeup, and raunchy underthings on a gnome, and spray it in cheap perfume. Glue a half-smoked cigarette to its mouth. Add fishnets and scarfs liberally, and place on the corner.

[The Kid 0]

Alright, with the Gnome resurection, I've now just begun planning my own attack. A friend who I had a falling out with a few years ago in the neibourhood...but even better a Mormon. I'm eeeevil.

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

starrdust1110: "Dutchman" Gnomes: Hairy and ugly these should be used to scare housewives and children.

starrdust1110: that's just funny

House Ampoliros: I'm gonna have to beat the piss out of CWM aren't I?

starrdust1110: HAHAHA

Any time Dutch. Any time.

[dutchse.cx 0]

You fancy a tussle?

[Guest Plushy Al Logan]

Flashlights.

Friends willing to help. This is very important.

Ski Masks and Dark clothing

Superglue,rope,paper,pens,etc.

hats,waterguns,beer cans, and other props.

I'm only missing one prop.

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

You fancy a tussle?

...are you hitting on me?

[dutchse.cx 0]

...

 

Maybe.

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

Damn. That's going in the sig.