your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 9/4/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Whoa-hohoho! It was the night of the hottest curry in the history my ass being a flaming cannon of poo tomorrow morning! Mmmmm... my mucous membranes are irritated by curry, as folks at work tomorrow will be so direly assaulted olefactorily by vast, ghastly explosions from the depths of my million mile digestive system. YES, REVEL IN MY GASTRIC EXPLOSIONS AS THEY PREPARE TO CHARGE INTO THE BREACH!!!!! Anyway, what was I going to say before the Celebration Of My Ass And All Things Surrounding It took over this -our weekly celebration of shitty big time US professional wrestling? Oh yeah. My Veiled Spoiler Caller called yesterday and he insinuated that qualuud suppositories were the order of the day to stomach the horror of this week and all goes together my dinner tonight and it's like a COMPLETE ASS THEME! ALL ASS! ALL THE TIME! LOOK! IT'S MY SWEET SWEET ASS! (and I ran out of time for Al Wilson this week.)

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- I downloaded a bunch of Motley Crue the last two days. The song that aged the best: "Too Fast To Live". That song fucking rocks. (I'm padding the top in case my Veiled Spoiler Call is right for once.)

 

- The APA comes out and Ron Simmons walks out as the True Warrior Of Masturbation- "TOUCH YOURSELVES, MY STICKY MINIONS~!!! I AM RON SIMMONS AND I MAS-TOR-BATE!". My tingling Deanie-senses tell me that Bradshaw's hand smells a little too much like Doug Basham's cornshoot. They wrestling the Worlds Greatest Tagteam and there are... the forearms. They will club. Bradshaw is a hoose a-fire and he hits a nice powerbomb that Charlie Haas no-sells basically. Haas then hits a clubbing forearm. Bradshaw saves with a clubbing forearm. Why do the forearms club? Where are the blue skies and children's laughter? I can barely remember the world before the forearms and their clubbing... Nice fuckin lariat by Bradshaw. WGTT cheat to win.

 

- Eddy comes out after Cena goes on a bit. Eddy brawls like a motherfucker and Cena leans into it and it's fun for a moment. Cena steals his car and Eddy is aghast. I'm assuming that they will wrestle tonight at some point. After the commercial, the say NEXT WEEK! Eddy wants a Latino Streetfight! Commisioner Ricky Rachtman makes it happen!

 

- Undertaker has an interveiw segment and he puts over the belt like Tatsumi Fujinami would do if he were wrestling Curt Angle tonight. HE IS BACK TO BEING DESIGNATED AS LEADER OF THE US MUGA for now. Angle gets a segment and- boy!- does Angle the face bore me to tears! The match was fine. UT works on the shoulder and Angle sells it. UT goes up for the Rolling Germans like a man and punches to cut off Angle. They edit his Finlay/ Murdock elbows across the throat so I can't tell if they sucked or not. The Guillotine on the apron was fabulous. Angle bumps like a freak on the shot to the post but the story of the match makes the bump look more in context than Angle's big bumps usually do. And we go to a commercial. Angle Sleepers to a comeback and UT does the GREAT VERTICAL SUPLEX to go back on offense. Angle counters into a belly-to-belly and punches on offense. UT reverses into a short lariat to go into his pinning ritual, but he misses the bootdrop and Angle hits the Ankle Lock. UT reverses out and they hit a buncha finishers for nearfalls. UT goes for the Last Ride and Angle does a SWEET counter into another Ankle Lock. UT reverses it into a Fujiwara Armbar. And Angle counters into a Ankle Lock and UT reverses into a Triangle Hold and BOY! this match rocks. Angle makes the ropes after fabulous selling by Angle. UT sells the ankle while going on offense and I'm wondering when UT became Masa Chono USA. Angle punches to offense and his punches suck but UT cuts him off hits the chokeslam but Angle counters out into another Ankle Lock and Angle is bleeding from eye BECAUSE HE RULES! UT sells the ankle and hits a chokeslam and a Last Ride and.... the booking kicks in and Brock Lesnar hits the ring. Great match. Fucking HORRENDOUSLY shitty ending. UT was awesome in this.

 

- Rey Rey is on a hot streak and they've got him defending the belt these days. Tajiri goes to his Lucha Libre roots and wrestles like Rey Rey is Fantastik. The kick in mid-air to send Rey to the apron was BEAUTIFUL, almost as beautiful as Rey's bump to the floor after Tajiri kicked him through the ropes. Tajiri works the shoulder until Rey sends him to the floor and hits the motherfucking SWEEEEET Tope Suicida. From there, they hit all these cool quick spots to lead up to Tajiri hitting the Lucha armbar into the Rolling Cradle Armbreaker that I love. Rey is selling the shoulder like a king as he hits the 619 and Rey goes face first into Tajiri's boot. Tajiri hits the nice Michinoku Driver and they hit some nice nearfalls before Rey rolls him up for the win. REY REY IS FUCKING ON FIRE THESE DAYS. Rey Misterio is the best wrestler on Smackdown now. TAJIRI TURNS EVIL BY USING THE GREEN MIST AND IT IS AAAAAWWWWWEEESSSSOME! AWWWWWWEESSSSSOOOOMMME! Anyways, REY REY is NUMBER ONE... and the BEST!

 

- Awesome! Vince comes out and plugs Scott Keith's book and then announces a SWANK idea- Brock Lesnar vs Curt Angle One Hour Ironman Match in two weeks. Cool. The rest is down yonder....

 

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

 

- Chris MOTHERFUCKING Benoit is on my free TV and that fucking rules. A-Train comes out and they have another Benoit-Carries-Meng match. A-Train does the backbreaker and the crowd get behind the Rapid Wolverine (God, whatever happened to the Benoit and Eddy as assholes in high school riding around in Eddy's lowrider together angle. I was into that.) A-Train does a bearhug and bearhugs just suck, but I'm digging the attempt at psychology. The Rolling Germans isn't the best way to sell all the damage inflicted to Benoit's back but... uh. Hmm.... Anyway, a ref bump plus Rhyno plus wacky 3 Stooges missing of the GORE GORE equals Benoit winning again. This needed more time and less shitty selling and booking. The CONTROVERSIAL DEAN!

 

- Vince turns his back on Brock. Vince says, "I talk you when I WANT to talk to you. I haven't wanted to talk you since Summer Slam because BALD HEADED GEEK." How can Brock argue? They go to commercial and Brock sounds like Vince mounted him behind a dumpster and Brock is all tore up inside because Vince never called afterwards. So it gets creepy when Vince tells him to BE A MONSTER! A velvet monster. A steady rocking love-piston monster. Or maybe a wrestling monster. Aaaah, who gives a shit?

 

- Nidia and Torrie have lesbianic moment with body oil and 41 year old 300 pound virgins blow an Elmers Glue viscosity festering load over the Dr Who fanfics right onto the signed, mint condition leatherbound TEKWARS collection. The Bourbon Street bikini contest makes me think about maybe....................

 

- THE FOUR DEADLY VENOMS OF THE WHORULON: On Bourbon Street in the Big Easy there was a coming together, a confluence. Number One! Nidia! Her powers- clamedic vaginal discharge can eat through a steel bridge! Number Two! Torrie! Her powers- leathery abrasive skin on ass can cut through city buses! Number Three! Dawn Marie! Her powers- her hideous burning grey lactation can smother an army in gooey suffocating ooze! And Number Four! Sable! Her labial wings work like opposing thumbs! She can crush a bull's skull with the slightest cervical tensing! From four corners of the New Orleans, all four are moving to the center of the city- where they will mutate into one UNSTOPPABLE CREATURE! Nidia came from the east.

 

"SARGEANT! Saunders is DOWN! His face is melted and he smells...HORRIBLE!"

 

"Goddamit, Sargeant! Get your men together and kill that thing. I don't care what the..."

 

"Sir! You don't understand! The horrible spray! It MELTS THE BULLETS IN MID-AIR!"

 

Nidia releases a bluish grey crowd from her evil bacon-stripped cooter and it shatters windows of the parked cars on the east side of the city.

 

"Jesus CHRIST! PULL BACK! PULL BACK!"

 

TO BE CONTINUED.

 

- APA have a comedic segment! They have a BUTLER! RON SIMMONS WILL BE DAMNED! He's little! Bradshaw wants to talk to him while he showers!

 

- Brock is all crazy now! "I'm a psycho now, mama...." He reminds me waaaaaay too much of Syd Eudy when he acts all crazy. They throw Zach down a flight of stairs and I would think that that would be enough to show that BROCK IS A MONSTER! instead of fucking the ending of a really good UT/Angle match up. The Magic Chair concept was pretty fun. Edgy!

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

Taker so needs to go into Vader UWF-i mode now with the slow paced/very respectful/like he's talking to a retarded old man promos, "Kurt Angle is a very STRONG competitor with lots of HEART. I have come to the WWE for ONE reason and that is to become the CHAMPION and to wrestle for the American FANS - fore they are the best fans in the world and I am a champion of the world. 4 TIME WWE champion. Kurt Angle, I respect you, but I respect that title MORE." and then proceed to throw a ton of soupbombs and sell the leg and finish it off with a powerbomb or a chokeslam... in fact, Taker IS in Vader mode... only quicker... did I say that?

[Guest TonyJaymzV1]

You notice how all the "shitty" wrestlers, once they came to Smackdown, became decent-to-great wrestlers:

Undertaker

A-Train

Big Show

 

while good wrestlers that goto Raw become noenetertaining:

Chris Jericho(the hilite reels have gone down the gutter)

The Hurricane

 

 

Just goes to show...whatever show Dean writes for, is great

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

You notice how all the "shitty" wrestlers, once they came to Smackdown, became decent-to-great wrestlers:

Undertaker

A-Train

Big Show

I'd say it was all of them being carried by Benoit, Angle, Eddy and Brock but then you have the UT vs Big Show miracle match RIGHT THERE. I can't explain it. Though, to be honest, A-Train was never shitty.

 

DEAN.

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

You notice how all the "shitty" wrestlers, once they came to Smackdown, became decent-to-great wrestlers:

Undertaker

A-Train

Big Show

I'd say it was all of them being carried by Benoit, Angle, Eddy and Brock but then you have the UT vs Big Show miracle match RIGHT THERE. I can't explain it. Though, to be honest, A-Train was never shitty.

 

DEAN.

UT was never as shitty as some made him out to be, you have to realize that for his prime years in the WWE he was put in matches where he was the best worker in the ring.

 

Does anyone else realize how insane that is?

[Guest Smell the ratings!!!]

- THE FOUR DEADLY VENOMS OF THE WHORULON

well now we know why you ran out of time for Al Vilson. Good show!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

- THE FOUR DEADLY VENOMS OF THE WHORULON

well now we know why you ran out of time for Al Vilson. Good show!

In the year 2006, I will TIE IT ALL TOGETHER! PROBABLY!

 

DEAN.

[Guest Burning Hammer]

I can't believe you managed to work tek wars and dr. who into one wrestling recap. The inner DR. Who geek in me laughs because what you say is true of those who are still obsessed with a show that was entertaining whilst young but did not age well.

 

Fucking TekWars man, first was the tv show and then the books. People were adicted to something in the tv show that I can not remember. Raw Data maybe? Or something asinine like that. I never read the books because William fucking Shatner was behind them and well that can't be good from a litterary stand point.

 

Anyways KUDDOS~! to you Dean for you are the man who brings the sarcastic sci-fi geek love in the wrestling world.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

DEAN, you think UT's recent strings of good matches warrant a cameo in the upcoming 500?

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

DEAN, you think UT's recent strings of good matches warrant a cameo in the upcoming 500?

We were actully talking about it today. Schneider was watching the tape of Smackdown and he called me. He was like, "I thought you were shitting me. Undertaker is CARRYING the match. It's like Undertaker is the old guy guiding the spot machine along." I was like, "Yeah, it's like UT is Lyger and Angle is Hayabusa in 1994."

 

If he stays at this rate, he'll be HIGH. Way high.

 

DEAN.