BifEverchad 0 Report post Posted October 6, 2003 We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom. THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of an Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace. WATERMELON A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendee. The End Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ripper 0 Report post Posted October 7, 2003 ... Well, since I hate to see threads with no reply... um.... Yeah? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Damaramu 0 Report post Posted October 7, 2003 *seems to be holding breath....* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! That was great.... Anyways what's worse than turd burglar is the one that opens the stall while you're in there and says "Oh sorry...." and just stands there. I had a friend one time taking a piss in the handicap stall at school and he hears the door open and then close and thinks "Oh someone must've seen it was occupied and left..." then he hears the door locking and he turns his head to see another guy turning around from the door...and the guys response..."Sorry...didn't know there was any body in here." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest The Old Me Report post Posted October 8, 2003 I LOVE shitting at work. Nothing better than clogging their toilet instead of mine. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kkktookmybabyaway 0 Report post Posted October 8, 2003 Interesting. My old job had disgusting bathrooms so the only time I would go for this is late in the day when hardly anyone was there -- it cut down on the smell factor. Sad thing is most of the guys where I worked didn't care about any of this poo-etiquette. What do you call it when somebody misses the toilet completely and poos on the floor? That didn't seem to be covered in the first post... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sfaJack 0 Report post Posted October 8, 2003 I think I'm going to print this out and post it in the break room after hours tonight. Hilarity should ensue tomorrow. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
OldSchoolWrestling 0 Report post Posted October 8, 2003 I think I'm going to print this out and post it in the break room after hours tonight. Hilarity should ensue tomorrow. Post it inside the bathroom stalls. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sfaJack 0 Report post Posted October 8, 2003 Post it inside the bathroom stalls. Even better. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest The Old Me Report post Posted October 9, 2003 Post it inside the bathroom stalls. Even better. Dipshit. Why wouldn't you put it there? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Fook Report post Posted October 9, 2003 What do you call it when somebody misses the toilet completely and poos on the floor? That didn't seem to be covered in the first post... ummm......blindness? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Plushy Al Logan Report post Posted October 9, 2003 What do you call it when somebody misses the toilet completely and poos on the floor? That didn't seem to be covered in the first post... My uncle does that. He also wipes and tosses the TP on the floor, and he is 30 years old. It's actually funny to watch an eight and a seven year old girls discipline their own father. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
