Exclusive Glimpse Into Goldberg's Contract

[Guest ligerbomb03]

Credit: WrestlingProfessor.com

 

World Wrestling Entertainment Contract of Employment

 

 

 

Terms of Contract: (as Agreed Upon by Bill Goldberg, World Wrestling Entertainment, and Hunter Hearst Helmsley)

 

 

 

1. Welcome to World Wrestling Entertainment. In order to break you in and trim your learning curve, we've attempted to become as much like World Championship Wrestling as possible.

 

 

 

2. In WCW, they kept your aura strong by limiting your talking, avoiding comedy, and keeping you off TV until your scheduled match. That is what got you over, but this is WWE, and we don't let people get over. Forget the aura; with us, it's silly promo's with you, Goldust, and blond wigs. Anything else might actually draw money.

 

 

 

3. In WCW, you were given an undefeated winning streak that was eventually ended by Kevin Nash, at which point business began to crumble. There is no reason to expect the same thing won't happen this time around, either.

 

 

 

4. In an interview with WWE.com, HHH mentioned you were fed a bunch of easy wins to put you over. In WWE, we have 2 sets of jobbers to feed our stars. The set of faces we use to feed easy wins to HHH consists of the following:

 

a) Jeff Hardy

 

b) Rob Van Dam

 

c) Chris Jericho

 

d) Spike Dudley

 

e) Booker T

 

f) Hurricane

 

g) Maven

 

h) Everyone else will get their turn, eventually

 

For you, we have a set of heels we'll use to feed you easy wins too, consisting of the following:

 

a) Christian

 

 

 

5. When you eventually lose to HHH, you are not to attempt any of the following (doing so will result in either immediate termination or transfer to SmackDown):

 

a) kicking out of near falls

 

b) getting in any sort of offense whatsoever

 

c) putting your leg on the rope

 

d) pinning HHH after a ref bump

 

e) no-selling

 

f) jackhammer, spear, or anything else the crowd will want to see

 

g) reversing the Pedigree

 

h) absolutely no run-in's, unless they're heels coming to doubleteam you

 

i) sticking out your tongue and growling at the crowd for babyface heat

 

j) wrestling without a shirt, which may diminish the aura of HHH's physique

 

For help on losing convincingly without putting up a fight, please consult with road agents Terry Taylor, Arn Anderson, Dean Malenko, and HHH's manager, Ric Flair. They've been there, done that.

 

 

 

6. Aside from your impending squash to HHH, please show off your physique as much as possible. At WWE, we're very understanding of the fact you may not have trained hard in the gym for awhile. We're willing to help you get back into peak form in as little time as possible. For help in obtaining "suddenly huge physiques," please consult with Scott Steiner, HHH (do not look or speak directly at Him), Nathan Jones, Bob Holly, Kevin Nash, and Vince McMahon.

 

 

 

7. Remember the nerds and geeks you beat up in grade school and became cool because of it? One of those geeks is now our top writer. Goldberg, meet Gewirtz.

 

 

 

8. Our developmental graduate, Dave Bautista, started to get over with a shaved head. After too many "Goldberg" chants, we made him grow his hair short, and he has since flopped. Since you'll be getting "Goldberg" chants too, it would make sense for us to do the same with you. Free combs are provided, paid for with deductions from your paycheck.

 

 

 

9. We'll be designing several merchandise items with your likeness. All revenues generated by these items are yours to keep! There is no need to check the printed receipts of these items, we'll take care of that. We repeat, DO NOT check the printed receipts. If any of the receipts from your merchandise ring up under HHH's name, trust us, it's a mistake. Really. Any revenues of yours that get accidentally transferred into HHH's paycheck are, again, simply a mistake. Trust us.

 

 

 

10. WWE has a strict, fool-proof steroid policy. You'll be tested on April 1, 2004 (the last day of your contract). We're giving you 12 months advance notice, so there isn't much time. We're serious about these tests, Buster, so your system better be clean by then.

 

 

 

11. Do not object to any angles that may involve you smashing a limousine window with your bare triceps. Yeah, yeah, we know that's how you injured yourself severely in WCW. Who cares. Nothing you did in WCW counts, and that goes for everyone else on the roster except Kevin Nash.

 

 

 

12. We're well aware that you ended Bret Hart's career by giving him a concussion at Starrcade '99. Lots of fans know it, too. But if Bret ever comes back to WWE, don't expect us to create a feud based on your history with him. As stated elsewhere in this contract, you are not permitted to do anything that might actually draw money.

 

 

 

13. You're Jewish, and we're WWE. In other words, expect to have your roots & religious heritage exploited as much as humanly possible. For help in dealing with the unrest this may cause you and your family, please consult with Teddy Long, Jazz, Rodney Mack, D-Lo Brown, Booker T, General Adnan, the Iron Sheik, Tiger Ali, Faarooq, Mr. Fuji, Eddy Guerrero, Chavo Guerrero, and the 2,000 other people listed on the attached document (see Appendix KKK). If any of the planned controversy draws criticism from the media, we'll just apologize like we always do.

 

 

 

14. Expect to be made a fool of on television. We've had Jonathan Coachman dance and sing like a fool for the Rock, and we'll likely do something similar for you. Your open invitation to the Kiss My Ass club will be honored at a time of our choosing. Expect this to happen in your hometown, and with your family in the front row.

 

 

 

15. We're aware that you love to sign autographs for sick kids. We welcome such generosity in WWE, but do NOT do so unless our cameras are rolling and capturing it all. Acts of kindness are welcome here, but never behind the scenes. And whatever financial contributions you make, be sure to get a receipt in Vince McMahon's name, and artificially inflate the value of the tax write-off.

 

 

 

16. Kick Chris Jericho's ass, please. We won't reprimand you, honest. He had a more entertaining feud with Shawn Michaels than HHH did, and frankly, that pisses us off. Just throw him to the ground and throw some punches that don't land, and we'll have our agents break it up. As with most political feuds, Kevin Nash will instigate it. Leave the rest to us.

 

 

 

17. Should you ever go to SmackDown, try not to Jackhammer the Big Show. I know you did it in WCW, but that was 5 years ago. He's packed on quite a few pounds since then, and you're not as strong as you used to be. Performing that move would be a health hazard for you both. Besides, it will put a damper on our plans to push Big Show to the moon, which we always do when business fails, and it surely will after you see the way we screw up your arrival.

 

 

 

18. There are absolutely no plans for you to do any sort of matches or angles with Steve Austin or Brock Lesnar, which the public is interested in most. Remember, that drawing money thing.

 

 

 

19. If you disobey items #1-18 and actually start to really get over, we're going to turn you heel. Whenever you, Austin, or Flair turn heel, all facets of business seem to die. We're going to use that to our (HHH's) advantage. We'll put ourselves out of business if we have to. That'll show you! Don't tempt us.

 

 

 

And finally...

 

 

 

20. Regardless of what you and 100% of straight males really think, you are to pretend Stephanie McMahon is the most beautiful woman on Earth. Scott Steiner did this upon his arrival, when he pretended to choose Stephanie over the Godfather's Ho's. Forget the fact Stephanie is slowly morphing into Chyna. Forget the fact that in her commercial with Carrot Top, we can't tell who's whom. Forget the fact that her increasingly deep voice makes the Black Scorpion sound like Abdullah the Butcher. You are to treat her like the Goddess she isn't, even when she is as old as Mae Young. That is, if we're still in business by then. And given that we're 100% determined to see you fail, you can bet we sure as Hell won't be.

 

 

 

Please recite 4 "Hail Stephanie's" and chant "The HHH's Prayer" 6 times. In the name of the Vince, the Shane, the Stephanie, the Linda, and the Hunter, Amen. Now sign below, in your own blood. There are plenty of pre-owned, used razors in Vince's office for you to blade yourself with.

 

After signing, make photocopies for yourself using the Xerox machine in Pat Patterson's office (never mind the smears of ring boys' buttocks that have stained the inside of the machine). The Xerox only accepts $100 bills, and no change is given. Rinse your blade under running water and return to Vince's Used Blades Bin. We'll FedEx you your New Employee kit, and paid postage will be required upon receipt of the package, so we advise you keep some cash on you. If you need to use the restroom on the way out, please use our pay toilets down the hall, and wrap your doodie in paper towels. We're hording a bunch of that stuff for future pranks on Sable if she ever gives us attitude (or even if she doesn't).

 

Thank you, and welcome to WWE!

 

 

 

x______________________________

 

Bill Goldberg

 

 

 

x_______________________________

 

Vince McMahon, approving Bill Goldberg's signature

 

 

 

x_______________________________

 

HHH, approving Vince McMahon's signature

[1234-5678 0]

Eh, somewhat humorous.

[DrainYou42 0]

I've seen better

[Guest The Winter Of My Discontent]

Hardy-Har-Har

[Guest Quik]

LORF!

 

**Farts**

 

ROFLMAO!

[Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye 0]

I must be in anti smark mood. That just didn't do it for me.

 

I'll probably read it again later and guffah, and maybe even giggle.

[SamoaRowe 0]

I actually found parts of it to be somewhat hilarious. I loved the part about Stephanie morphing into Chyna.

[Guest Ghettoman]

Eh, too much time wasted on something that can be summarized by watching Raw for two months.

[Adam 0]

I didn't mind it, but its just the usual generic smark humor.

[Guest Anglesault]

i) sticking out your tongue and growling at the crowd for babyface heat

I never got that.

 

Why does making retard faces make me like him?

[Guest Besus]

That was so funny I forgot to laugh.

[Tawren 0]

If by "too funny" you mean "not funny" and by "not funny" you mean "not funny AT ALL", then yes, that was "too funny".