Chuck Woolery 0 Report post Posted December 14, 2003 (WARNING: The following story is true. Some of you will not believe me. Some of you will flame me. I do not care. Please, indulge in my mistakes and make sure they never, ever happen to you.) As many of you know, I am a hockey player. This morning I had a game in Nashua (two-three hour drive) at eleven in the morning... and so my mum, being the genius she is, woke me up at six in the fucking morning. On the road we were at six-thirty, and casually she asked if I wanted anything for breakfast. Of course I did, and so we stopped at the town's Dunkin' Donuts. I walked inside to place my order. As I walked in, I saw Jeremy Smith working the counter. For those of you who don't know who Jeremy Smith is (odds are all of you), he is a large white kid with a blonde crew cut. He talks and acts like a retard, despite being a senior in high school and obviously posessing some intelligence. And he absolutely loves watching, or hearing about, people suffer. So I walked in. "Jeremy," I said, "You wanna get me a vanilla chai?" "No." "... well, I'm obviously going to pay you for it." "Okay." So he went behind the guarded coffeemaker walls and began preparing my frothy tealike beverage. He came back and handed it to me, I gave him the money and left on my merry way. Five hours later, after the game (which we won), my mum, my grandparents and I were walking around Kohl's. Suddenly, I was struck! Struck... with the diarrhea. I couldn't... ugh. Make your own assumptions here. I walked up to the man on duty, and gasping from the effort of trying to hold back the equivalent of the Great Chicago Flood, managed to get out one word. "Bathroom." The man pointed to a corner, and I proceeded to run, looking like the victim of an anal raping. Thankfully nobody I know saw me, or I'd become the laughingstock of the school. Anyway, I made it to the bathroom, and when I got there I made a startling discovery! There was shit in my drawers. Now, I'm a clean guy. I don't do drugs (much) and I don't drink (much), and I generally don't like the feeling of my own feces. So after releasing myself of every piece of food trapped in my body, I removed said pants and threw them away. Now I was stuck. Going commando was never a really appealing option for me -- I kept having visions of getting my fireman stuck in the zipper. So I searched around, desperately searching for an answer. And lo, it came to me out of the sky. I felt like MacGyver as I pulled out the roll of toilet paper, and weaving it like Arachne spinning thread I fashioned a crude thong out of the rough white paper. I pulled my pants up and exited, trying to figure out just what had caused me this terrible, horrible tragedy. Well, we went back to Dunkin Donuts, but Jeremy's shift was over by this time. I did, however, see Laurie Decker, and asked her if Jeremy had done anything. She proceeded to giggle hysterically, gain control of herself, and pull a box of ex-lax out from under the counter. Fuck you, Dunkin' Donuts. Fuck you right in the donuthole. (Note: I'm not totally sure that it was actually the laxatives... but then again, I'm not totally sure that the sun will come up tomorrow morning, either.) Sympathize, brothers. And learn the lessons I have learned. Do not trust the chai at Dunkin' Donuts. It does bad, bad things to a man. 'Prophetic' Chuck Woolery Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MrRant 0 Report post Posted December 14, 2003 Dude. You were owned by a retard. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Damaramu 0 Report post Posted December 14, 2003 You're a hockey player...........beat his dumbass. Or get him fired. Or.......shit yourself and then walk up and just drop the soiled drawers on his head.....yeah....... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Amazing Rando 0 Report post Posted December 14, 2003 Kill the bastard. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Czech Republic 0 Report post Posted December 14, 2003 This is worse than when the sno-cones at the Rosemont Horizon gave me electric blue diarrhea. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kkktookmybabyaway 0 Report post Posted December 14, 2003 I'm glad you told us their last names. If you would have just said "Jeremy" I wouldn't know who you were talking about... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedHermit 0 Report post Posted December 14, 2003 This is worse than when the sno-cones at the Rosemont Horizon gave me electric blue diarrhea. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
