Goldberg's Night Before Christmas

[Guest ligerbomb03]

 

Goldberg's Night Before Christmas

 

By James Guttman,Torch Columnist

 

'Twas the week before Christmas, wrestlers flew to Iraq,

So the war-weary soldier could give their TVs a smack;

 

 

The stars were all festive as they flew through the air,

Hoping Hayes would pass out so they could cut off his hair

 

 

The grapplers all hoped for an upcoming win,

While Michael Cole stroked that bug on his chin;

 

Over on Raw, Armageddon was through,

All titles were given to Hunter's new crew,

When from backstage there arose such a clatter,

Vince sprang off of Sable to see what was the matter.

 

Away to the locker room he flew like a flash,

To see a star tossing tables, talking much trash.

McMahon made his way to the disgruntled section

To hear Goldberg complain about his character direction,

 

When, what to their wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

The driver, still angry over that Katie Vick schtick

Was here to kick ass, a hardcore St. Nick!

 

More rapid than high spots in an X Title bout,

He screamed, and he hollered, giving Billy a shout;

 

"Hey, Goldberg! Yo, Goldberg! Please shut up your face!

You've been here since February, taking up space!

You've bitched about Hunter, Diesel and Hall!

You once held the title, now I'll make you fall!"

 

The wrestlers all scattered, (Hurricane tried to "fly,")

They anticipated a beating, from this Jolly old guy

So up to da Man the coursers they flew,

With a sleigh full of chairs, and St. Nicholas too.

 

And then, in a twinkling, Bill started to growl

But Santa stepped up and gave him a scowl.

"You're next!" shouted Goldberg, and prepared for a Spear

But Santa just smiled and showed him no fear.

 

"How dare you confront me!" Bill screamed to St. Nick

Claus cracked all his knuckles and picked up a stick;

He swung with such force, he left a welt on Bill's back,

For each of his tantrums, Santa gave him a whack.

 

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

As he bruised up poor Berg, like a Christmas Strawberry!

He just looked so happy to beat Billy down,

Goldberg begged off, while Claus went to town;

 

He reached back and swung, knocking out Goldy's teeth,

Dropped a big elbow and choked him out with a wreath;

He pounded his face and had nothing to say,

And allowed some free punches from Y2J.

 

The stars all applauded, seeing Bill get destroyed,

Vince laughed when he saw it, then stole Santa's Toys;

 

The final shot came, when Santa stepped on Berg's head,

Triple H tried to hump him because he thought Bill was dead;

Claus spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

Filled all the stockings; and called Goldberg a jerk,

 

After one final kick to the point of Bill's nose,

He nodded his head and up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, gave the divas a whistle,

A group had gathered to watch him fly like a missile.

 

But I heard him exclaim, as he waved to the mob,

 

"Hey Goldberg, shut up and do your damn job."

 

 

Credit: http://www.pwtorch.com/

[UseTheSledgehammerUh 0]

Goldberg has every right to be pissed off. His character was basically fucked over at Armageddon.

 

And why is the X-Division mentioned in a WWE story? The X-Division sucks.

[Guest ligerbomb03]

How should I know? I didn't write the damn thing.

[UseTheSledgehammerUh 0]

Oh, wasn't a direct question for ya. Thanks for posting it, though.

 

I love how these internet sheets like to "look cool" by doing something like this to "impress the internet smarks".

 

If they wanted to bash Goldberg, now wasn't the time to do it. He was a credible champion whose thunder was taken away for no reason.

 

If anyone from the Torch is reading this and thinks they made me "chuckle" by acting like a mark and writing this crap: Fuck you.

[Guest PhantMan]

it isn't a surefire that Goldie will be in wwe after wm. why push for a main event with him only for bill to fuck it up if he decides he wants to get out of the biz?

[Steviekick 0]

Goldberg as champ > HHH as champ.

[Jobber of the Week 0]

Goldberg has every right to be pissed off. His character was basically fucked over at Armageddon.

Goldberg's "character" is the biggest lie I ever heard. Never jobbing and making everyone else in the fed look weak counts as a character?

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

I actually thought this was rather well-written and humorous. The rhymes were good, and the final line was excellent.

[El Psycho Diablo 0]

Goldberg has every right to be pissed off.  His character was basically fucked over at Armageddon.

Goldberg's "character" is the biggest lie I ever heard. Never jobbing and making everyone else in the fed look weak counts as a character?

He's Austin?

[Guest JumpinJackFlash]

Goldberg as champ > HHH as champ.

 

Agreed. Now, I want to point out all the RAW main events for 2003.(Note: I consider World Title matches the main events)

 

Royal Rumble: HHH vs. Steiner

No Way Out:HHH vs. Steiner

Wrestlemania:HHH vs. Booker T(Austin vs. Rock was last match)

Backlash:Rock vs. Goldberg

Judgment Day:HHH vs. Nash

Bad Blood:HHH vs. Nash

Summerslam:HHH vs. Goldberg vs. Jericho vs. Michaels vs. Orton vs. Nash

Unforgiven: HHH vs. Goldberg

Survivor Series:HHH vs. Goldberg

Armaggedon:HHH vs. Goldberg vs. Kane

 

HHH main evented all but one RAW PPV this year. Why? How good can HHH be?

 

One other thing I am mad at is the fact that RAW always gets the songs for their main event videos. It makes you think RAW is the dominant show, when they should actually be equal in competition.