the mighty WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT-4/15/2004

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Hey, how ya been? It's Thursday night and that means questionable wrestling and a night to drink some beer, have some laughs, think things through. i'm drinking a little Magnum malt liquor and little Victory Hop Devil- which is on sale in Richmond area Krogers for $6.99 a six. Let's get on with this, shall we?

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- Eddy is over with the rubes in Indianapolis. Eddy makes fun of Kurt Angle's voice. Eddy makes Angle sound like Charles Nelson Riley. Eddy speaks on AMERICA, MOTHERFUCKER! TELL THEM THE FUCKING TRUTH, EDDY! FUCK YEAH, YOU AIN'T WHAT YOU OWN, MOTHERFUCKERS! JBL SOLD OUT! MONEY DOn'T MAKE YOU SMARTER! Eddy knows classy and JBL ain't classy! JBL suddenly airs a moveon.org ad! This is kinda like that Mr Show sketch. Post-ad, Eddy is pissed. EDDY IS SICK OF IT ALL! EDDY TELLS THE WORLD THAT THIS AIN'T NO DAMN SUNDAY SCHOOL! EDDY WORKED 17 YEARS! TAKE THAT TROPHY AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS! Eddy sez ASS and IT'S ON! Kurt Angle comes out and he sucks. He sucks. He sucks. he Sucks. He sucks. He sucks. Angle doesn't appreciate the lack of apology. Angle doesn't like Eddy. He makes the match! Bradshaw comes out with his limo. It looks like Bradshaw has Harley Race as his chauffeur. JBL is too tired to wrestle tonight. Bradshaw has been plying babys' mamas with his lovin'. He hasn't gone to the spa! GOLD! JBL and Angle has a great idea INSTEAD! Eddy versus the BIG SHOW! AWESOME! Hey. That's not a great idea. That's a... that's a... that's a shitty idea. This isn't boding well.

 

- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON:

"Zo I came to Portsmouth to go to college and see ve vorld. Vat brinks you HERE- to zis city, mein adorable von?"

 

"Oh you know, just needed to get away from my parents. Reagan's fucked up the economy so much that I might as well get my degree- I can't find a job in this berg."

 

"Reagan is a BASTARD! I hate him. But I do not like to speak ill of my host country..."

 

Billy had been sitting alone drinking Jack and ginger and seething over his own loneliness and unemployment. "Yeah motherfucker. Why don't shut your fucking mouth when you talk about my president."

 

"I am zorry, mein freund. I love zis country and I don't like vere he is taking it."

 

"Well, tell you what, motherfucker. Why don't you and your girly friend go fuck yourselves? And if you got a problem with that, I got a knife in my boot says "FUCK YOU."

 

"Ve vill go outside and I vill beat you to DEATH. Come. WE GO NOW. Susan. I vill be back in ten minutes."

 

Billy thinks about how he is going to get his knife out. Baron thinks about finally using THE CLAWWWWWWWWWW....

 

TO BE CONTINUED.

 

- THE GEORGE McGINNESS THROWBACK IS FUCKING AWWWWWESOME! Chavos come out and I'm torqued. SR is wearing the Bryan Ferry Double Breasted suit and he styling like a motherfucker. They work out of a headlock. Cena hits a crappy lariat. SR with the boot to the head. Chavito kicks him a bit. This match is pretty messy. Cena shoulderblocks to offense and Chavo cuts him off with a dropkick. Chavo with a cool twisty armdrag. Chavo stomps some more and I try to stay awake. Cena kinda does an Ode To Road Warrior Hawk offensive sequence that set-up his less DiBiase-esque fistdrop. CHAVO SENIOR BUMPS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING FREAK and Cena pins Chavito. The Cruiserweight title is not better than the US title. Chavo Senior's bump makes this work. The rest was pretty shitty.

 

- Reneae DewPree is talking about America and France and the inherent trade relations with his dog. I can't see his wang, though CRZ ASSURED me that his wang is always permeating the screen. Tazz is sprung.

 

- Charlie and Jamie have some problems. Jamie starts talking about how Rico is going to cornhole him like a prison bitch. Noble understands the ways of men. Nunzio touches Charlie's ass and Charlie is taken aback at the being the sweetest looking boy at the dance.

 

- Rico is older than I am. Rico digs the fabulous junk of Charlie- and who wouldn't? Tell me. WHO WOULDN'T? Tell me. "YOU SICK FREAK!" Rico's BUTT massage and faux ass-fucking is absolutely TOP DRAWER! Charlie can't handle his own feelings of love. Of desire. Of passion. Of humpiness. Charlie shows the world his buttocks and the world embraces his buttocks. Charlie finds odd ways to choke Rico. BUTTOCKS CLAW~! L'EMBRACE DE FRANCAIS~! L'AMOUR TOUTE LE MONDE~! VIVE LE DIFFERENCE~! Rico whips out his thong and Charlie blows oats because he can't handle THE TRUTH! THE TRUTH about love! MILLION BILLION STARS! Who is that BITCH with Rico? That old BITCH.

 

- Being a parent of a 20-month old means never knowing what's lurking in yer terlit. Tonight: a Kelly doll with ink pen drawings on her face. Next week: who could be sure. I will keep you abreast.

 

Big Show is pissed that this isn't a title match. I'm pissed that Big Show is wrestling Eddy and I have to watch. Big Show says, "Shut your pie-hole" TWICE! The Big Show says he will quit! Big Show crushes Eddy early. Eddy punches but is cut off. Eddy works on Big Show's leg and is cut off. Yadda yadda yadda CUT OFF! Big Show bumps big to the floor! Big Show into the post! We go to a commercial and we think about the pretty hair of CRZ... mmmmmm... it's pretty. Prolly smells real good too. Mmmmmmmm. Eddy is punching Big Show in his giant skull. Eddy sells the arm. Big Show's vienna sausage like fingers grip Eddy's shoulder. Headbutt to the shoulder is fun. Eddy sells like a king. Big Show makes with the bearhug and I don't I can drink fast enough. Fuck it. Big Show rolls into the Rolling DDT like a champ and THIS SO WORKS. Eddy with the Frogsplash and the win and Big Show quits? WHA! WHA?! Beautiful. I await the fattest possible Midnight Rider and the absolute most unlucky horse Diablo.

 

- Big Show is a broken man and Torrie is the victim. I feel some stalking coming on. Big Show starts crying and Torrie tries to act. Torries car is running out of windows. Big Show goes for the Quasimodo pathos and it's fun. Torrie is fabulous as the thrid-rate 1981 Jamie Leigh Curtis. Big Show needs a bottle of Bowman's Gin for his next misogynist bout of rage.

 

- The second trip to the terlit, I realize that you COULD drink a bottle of Murphy's Oil Soap and it wouldn't actually kill you. You'd have to drink a lot of water. We'll see how bad my 40s go before acting on this information.

 

- Big Show the Psycho is sooooooo great. "If you don't laugh, I'll make you scream!" ANGLE IS DEAD! HE'S DEAD! Drama....

 

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

 

- RVD will wrestle Booker T. RVD wants to be called Mr Thursday Night. If that's the case, definately call me Mr Definately Drunk On Thursday Night. Booker t isn't in the ring with Eddy so i fear this match. They edit the punches and I'm happy for that. Booker does bump like a motherfucker so I have trouble hating this. They go to a commercial and we once again.... think about the purty hair of CRZ...mmmmmm.... Jojoba..... Booker with the Tully Blanchard HOT SHOT! Nice neckbreaker for two. They edit the fuck out the punches. they just fucking edit RVDs entire offense. Where's the art? Where's the love of craft? You remember Dick Murdock? You could do his match with ONE camera in EXTREME ZOOM and it would never show a SECOND of daylight. Fit Finlay? Same thing. Instead, we have this shit. I'm being hard. And ain't that just a bitch.

 

- THEODORE R LONG! Mark Jindrak comes out. DOLLAR DOLLAR BILL! Hey, Jindrak is doing the Lex Luger narcissisist gimmick. SPIKE IS PISSED! Jindrak with the NICE dropkick to send Spike to the floor. Oklahoma Roll for two. Aaaaaand itsa squash. I don't hate Jindrak. I hate a squash.

 

- MicroTouch is an EIGHTY DOLLAR VALUE? EIGHTY? EIGHT OH? 8. 0. 80 dollars? HA! Sure it's powerful for the TOUGH STUFF but for EIGHTY dollars it would have to have a self-lubricating sucking device that doesn't bite but brings sheer velvet. $14.95? Not as in need of a vibrating pocket buddy.

 

- They have a Burger King chicken commercial without Subservient Chicken? Fuck that.

 

- I'M STILL ALIVE has archival footage of the day my old girlfriend found the black teddy of my new girlfriend on my couch. HEY! Those teeth will be missed, my friend. Don't worry, those fellas re-ascend in no time. Grain alcohol was very instrumental in drinking that ass-beating away.

 

- Jackie comes out and 45 year old virgins blow a fetid load over their Complete Black Adder Dvd Set onto their Reid Fleming World Toughest Milkman Collectors Buttons. Ah, there we go. That's the pride.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

Could it be... FINALLY... the turn of Ze BARON~?~ Which means, possibly, getting back to Al Wilson?

 

I think this new "what's in the terlit" feature.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I think this new "what's in the terlit" feature.

This sentence structure says to me: "I am even drunker than Dean!"

 

And I'm all about the Baron...

[Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye 0]

They have a Burger King chicken commercial without Subservient Chicken? Fuck that.

 

I actually saw a site that hadn't linked to this masterpiece yet. I died. Kurt, being the victim soul that he is took all my death into him so that I may live again.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

They have a Burger King chicken commercial without Subservient Chicken? Fuck that.

 

I actually saw a site that hadn't linked to this masterpiece yet. I died. Kurt, being the victim soul that he is took all my death into him so that I may live again.

I feel for you, my brother.

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

Not drunk, just not paying attention to what I write and gettin the ol' wires crossed.... happens a lot, actually.

 

DEAN, as much as I love Ze Baron, you gotta keep your eyes on the prize.

 

And are your repeated mentionings of CRZ a way to bait him back into recappin?

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Not drunk, just not paying attention to what I write and gettin the ol' wires crossed.... happens a lot, actually.

 

DEAN, as much as I love Ze Baron, you gotta keep your eyes on the prize.

 

And are your repeated mentionings of CRZ a way to bait him back into recappin?

That's to bait him into LUUUUVVVVVING me.

[Conspiracy_Victim 0]

DEAN, do not mock the Black Adder DVD set. I have not been this angered since your crack on Hampden-Sydney frat boys lo those many recaps ago.

[Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye 0]

I feel for you, my brother.

 

Only problem is that I fear I may be dead in a week again anyway...

 

and someone tell me what this black adder dvd set is.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

DEAN, do not mock the Black Adder DVD set. I have not been this angered since your crack on Hampden-Sydney frat boys lo those many recaps ago.

Are you saying that you DID NOT toast a load over top of it when Jackie appeared on your screen?

[Sass 0]

Welcome back Dean.

 

You were missed.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Welcome back Dean.

 

You were missed.

I missed you, Young Sass.

[DerangedHermit 0]

Shouldn't you be doing RAW now? The workrate has vanished on Smackdown.

[humongous2002 0]

What workrate?

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Shouldn't you be doing RAW now? The workrate has vanished on Smackdown.

Oh I'm milking this Smackdown Turn To Retardation for all it's comedic worth.

[Lightning Flik 0]

I was expecting you to see you clamour up the German Suplex RVD busted out. Since you know, he hasn't since like forever.

 

Yet, I see no clamouring. I'm disappointed DEAN.

 

 

Good to have you back. I marked out when I saw your report.

Edited April 16, 2004 by Lightning Flik

[Conspiracy_Victim 0]

DEAN, do not mock the Black Adder DVD set.  I have not been this angered since your crack on Hampden-Sydney frat boys lo those many recaps ago.

Are you saying that you DID NOT toast a load over top of it when Jackie appeared on your screen?

Unfortunately, being neither a virgin OR 45, I was able to resist the temptaion to immerse my television set in viscous man chowdah and wallow in the horror/ecstacy that is WHORULON Jr.. Vicky on the other hand, may be able to overcome my valiant personal defenses if she really tried.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I was expecting you to see you clamour up the German Suplex RVD busted out. Since you know, he hasn't since like forever.

 

Yet, I see no clamouring. I'm disappointed DEAN.

 

 

Good to have you back. I marked out when I saw your report.

Thanks, Lightnin Flik. You're making me all misty over here....

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

DEAN, do not mock the Black Adder DVD set.  I have not been this angered since your crack on Hampden-Sydney frat boys lo those many recaps ago.

Are you saying that you DID NOT toast a load over top of it when Jackie appeared on your screen?

Unfortunately, being neither a virgin OR 45, I was able to resist the temptaion to immerse my television set in viscous man chowdah and wallow in the horror/ecstacy that is WHORULON Jr.. Vicky on the other hand, may be able to overcome my valiant personal defenses if she really tried.

You realize that Whorulon will be back as soon as there is a THIRD lady on Smackdown.

[Conspiracy_Victim 0]

DEAN, do not mock the Black Adder DVD set.  I have not been this angered since your crack on Hampden-Sydney frat boys lo those many recaps ago.

Are you saying that you DID NOT toast a load over top of it when Jackie appeared on your screen?

Unfortunately, being neither a virgin OR 45, I was able to resist the temptaion to immerse my television set in viscous man chowdah and wallow in the horror/ecstacy that is WHORULON Jr.. Vicky on the other hand, may be able to overcome my valiant personal defenses if she really tried.

You realize that Whorulon will be back as soon as there is a THIRD lady on Smackdown.

*cheers* Well there's always the rumor Sable, the evil glue of WHORULON (much like the chewy nougat of a Three Musketeers) will return soon. Damn I never even noticed the lack of eye candy, leathery or otherwise, on Smackdown until DEAN mentioned it.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

DEAN, do not mock the Black Adder DVD set.  I have not been this angered since your crack on Hampden-Sydney frat boys lo those many recaps ago.

Are you saying that you DID NOT toast a load over top of it when Jackie appeared on your screen?

Unfortunately, being neither a virgin OR 45, I was able to resist the temptaion to immerse my television set in viscous man chowdah and wallow in the horror/ecstacy that is WHORULON Jr.. Vicky on the other hand, may be able to overcome my valiant personal defenses if she really tried.

You realize that Whorulon will be back as soon as there is a THIRD lady on Smackdown.

*cheers* Well there's always the rumor Sable, the evil glue of WHORULON (much like the chewy nougat of a Three Musketeers) will return soon. Damn I never even noticed the lack of eye candy, leathery or otherwise, on Smackdown until DEAN mentioned it.

And what a dank, pungent glue it is.