Mother on Vacation

[Guest Black Tiger]

So on Saturday my mother left to go to Tn. and North Carolina for a week. In the three days since she left, just about anything that could go wrong, has gone wrong.

 

I had a few friends over on Saturday night and admist our drinking, she called to inform me that she had driven past K-Mart, at 400 Oak Street in Cincinati (Rain Man reference). Everybody left and I passed out early.

 

Sunday, I see a bottle of wine in the fridge and decide to open it up, well the only corkscrew I could find was one of those tiny ones you see on a fuckin' pocket knife and as I tried to pull the damn cork out, I broke off the screw. So I did the only thing I could do. I took a hammer and screw driver and pounded the cork into the bottle and then funeled the wine into a new bottle.

 

Today may only be halfway done, but its already been fun. I try to open up a can of Raviloi to munch on while I watch TV and the can opener had suddenly decided to die and not work anymore, so I dig out the manual one and all that did was open a big hole on the side of the can. Then as I get it microwaved and sit down to eat, I smack my heel against the coffee table and have a nice skin mark there.

 

At this rate, by the time she comes back, the house will collapse.

[Lord of The Curry 0]

Why are you on a message board discussing your exploits when you should be banging broads left and right all over the house?

[Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye 0]

Black Tiger sucks at doing things

[Mik 0]

So on Saturday my mother left to go to Tn. and North Carolina for a week. In the three days since she left, just about anything that could go wrong, has gone wrong.

At about this point, I was expecting significant things to go wrong, like the strippers you brought over overdosed on cocaine and there is a dead body buried in your backyard...or you had a party and drunk girls threw up everywhere. SOMETHING. Instead the wine cork broke, you stubbed your toe, and broke a can opener.

 

Keep on truckin'.

[Ripper 0]

Turn the house into a brothel, and slide around on the floor in your socks and underwear while singing 50's rock and roll music. All while you have a interview with the dean of Admissions from Yale.

 

Thats what I always do.

[Guest Dids]

List of things that went wrong:

 

Party sucked

You broke a cork screw

And the can opener doesn't work.

You hit the coffee table.

 

A- You suck with things that rotate.

 

B- This is not possibly everything that could go wrong. There isn't a stripper involved at all. There's no meth lab in your basement.

 

C- Next time this happens, invite the board over. We'll turn the party out.

[treble 0]

And no one's called the cops on you yet?

[Guest Black Tiger]

And no one's called the cops on you yet?

I was actually hoping to have that happen with the party on Saturday night, my neighbors are really fucking loud (its like living next door to Jerry Springer). So we all got drunk and started yelling and I turned the music way up, and NOTHING HAPPENED!

 

But I may have another one tonight, so things may be better.

[Guest Dynamite Kido]

Well BT, what you are having is NOT a party. You will need the following.....

 

a)

-This is vital. Any beer will do, and the whoopass must be brought by you.

 

b)

HOOKERS. If you don't know what they look like, you don't know how to throw a party.

 

c)

-The MOTHERFUCKING CHRONIC is a MUST.

 

d)

Yep....midgets

[Guest FrigidSoul]

I bet your mom bought you some underwear from that K-Mart. Moms try to be funny by doing stupid shit like that.

[Lord of The Curry 0]

Well BT, what you are having is NOT a party. You will need the following.....

 

a)

-This is vital. Any beer will do, and the whoopass must be brought by you.

 

b)

HOOKERS. If you don't know what they look like, you don't know how to throw a party.

 

c)

-The MOTHERFUCKING CHRONIC is a MUST.

 

d)

Yep....midgets

Why not combine the four and have a midget hooker get crunk off of booze and weed? Now THAT is a party.

[justsoyouknow 0]

Fuck man, when my parents went out of town last time, I decided to have a party.

 

I bought two kegs, invited some people, then half the school showed up. My friend tried to do a kegstand, forgot that he had to hold himself up with his arms and dropped right on top of his neck, then went and threw up in the sink, causing it to be clogged, even after two bottles of Liquid Plumber. Someone peed in my sister's room, one of the kegs got stolen after the cops showed up and everyone took off running, someone went in my room and stole my mushrooms that I had hidden inside of a speaker, and I broke my hand after I found out that the keg got stolen and decided it would be a good idea to punch my car, leaving a dent in the car and me with a broken hand.

 

My parents came home, and the house was all cleaned up, but the next-door neighbor's three-year-old daughter came over and said to my mom, "How come I wasn't invited to your birthday party?" My mom didn't know what she was talking about until the girl said, "Yeah, you guys had a birthday party and the cops came and turned on their lights to help sing happy birthday!" Then I was fucked. After a good hour of getting yelled at, we're sitting down to eat dinner, and my dad says, "It's ok, I'm not mad at you." Then, at that exact moment, the dog jumps through the doggie door with an ounce of chronic in her mouth.

 

You think you've had a horrible weekend? I'm the fucking champ.

[Guest FrigidSoul]

Clearly your dog becoming a drug addict isn't your fault

[Guest Black Tiger]

Well lets see here:

 

A. Beer...NOPE. We prefer to drink liquor. Vodka shots and screwdrivers.

 

B. Hookers.....How about lesbians? I know a ton of them and they'll come over in a heartbeat. HLA

 

C. Weed......FUCK NO! Anyone tries smoking that shit in my house and I'll kick their ass out.

 

D. Midgets..... Interesting, I'll try that for my next party (was gonna be tonight but we're partying at someone elses house tonight)

[Guest Dids]

Turning your nose up at weed makes for a bad party. I don't smoke myself, but I know it helps add to a good party Atmosphere.

 

Lesbians will not sleep with you, nor get naked for money. You need Hookers.

 

No wonder you're doing this all wrong.

[kkktookmybabyaway 0]

Did you invite any of your female co-workers?...

[Giuseppe Zangara 0]

I don't live with my parents.

[Guest The Winter Of My Discontent]

But you're like 10 years older than everyone else who posts here.

[Giuseppe Zangara 0]

Touche!

[Guest The Winter Of My Discontent]

Touche!

I see you hatin'

[Guest Black Tiger]

I invited plenty of my female co workers, only a few of them came though.

 

I smoked weed for a bit in HS, but I didn't like the effect it had on me (tired and hungry) so I quit and my friends know that I don't smoke it, and I told them if they wanted to, then they had to go outside and they were cool with it.

 

Lesbians won't sleep with me, but they'll be all over each other, FOR FREE

[The Czech Republic 0]

Touche!

En garde!

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

I remember back when I was 16 or 17, and in between cars, and my folks went out of town. I went to this raging kegger out in the middle of nowhere, and naturally the fuckin' cops show up, and I ended up tear-assing through a soybean field with a drunk underage illegal immigrant that proceeded to walk the ten miles in the dark to my house with me, because he had no place else to go. Heri was a weird guy.