The Czech Republic 0 Report post Posted June 10, 2004 The World-Wide Wrestling and Fisticuffsmanship Federation. A Thurs-day Evening Grappling Exhibition In The Most Spiteful Of Fashions. A Re-View Of The Big Event. The big event is be-gun with a song and dance number! All the super-star fisticuffsmen form a line as the upbeat polka tune gets the crowd dancing: It is my life, it is my future I hope the doc’s advanced to suture I want all of it now! The mates and beverages If I choose right, I will get leverage Come on! A most un-predictable event is on our hands this evening! Our pro-gram emanates from Skip’s Cat-Fish Bar and Grille in Boston. Our presenters are Hubert P. Coleman III and Petey “The Sanguine Sicilian” Sagriccio. I hope you’re feeling American! Henry Brandon Clayfield trots to the ring to preach his “American System” for the WWWFF, which con-tains de-porting popular fisticuffsmen back to their native barbaric lands. HBC found himself in a bit of trouble on a recent visit to the state of Brandenburg, where he shouted “Heil Bismarck!” much to the chagrin of the proud Teutonic folk who were reluctant to be uni-fied under the power-ful Prussian chancellor. Clayfield’s column in the Wall Street Journal was dis-continued, but Clayfield remained confident, stating “his business secrets shall pro-pel him to financial in-dependence for the next forty years!” He being the shrewd analyst he is, I am loathe to dis-agree. Of course, yours truly was the first to break this hot scoop…nobody trusts that Herschel Schmeltzer for obvious reasons. HBC spouts his patriotic rubbish, but when Scholarly Thomas enters the room, HBC states that he “knows nothing.” (A clever plot in-deed.) But Scholarly Thomas is not im-pressed! He even goes as far as to call HBC a PATSY! Clayfield takes offense, and tries to brand Scholarly Thomas with his brand-ing iron, but “Scholar T” kindly reminds the former slaveholder that such a tactic is not legal anymore. Flustered, HBC takes his brief-case and de-parts as Scholarly Thomas does a dance as re-quested. Our next match-up is a highly touted affair! “Dutch Boy” Klaus Van Daam comes to the ring a-waitin’ his next adversary. Per-haps he is about to get more than he bargained for! Why it’s Phineas and Barnaby, the Bashingham Brothers, two iron-pumping galoots who are each sporting a handle-bar mustache. They ride their stylish ”uni-cycles” to the ring and proceed to toss around Van Daam like a sack-o-potatoes! All looks to be lost. But wait! Indeed, it is Joel Sinsina, the Italian immigrant who dreams of being a black enter-tainer! His minstrel show with black-face is guaranteed to send a spectator home happy. He sings a song, does a dance, and distracts both Bashinghams, only to drop a safe on top of them from the rafters! He opens the safe to find them in-side. (I don’t know how.) Klaus asks, “how did you sneak in?” And Joel says “I was in the shadow, HE COULDN’T SEE ME!” Then they all have a good laugh before Henry Brandon Clayfield finds out there’s a Mediterranean man impersonating a coloured man, and the last time that happened, that charming young chap from the fine city of London walked with a strange gait for weeks. We then see a synagogue on the Lower East Side. Inside is Mordecai Metzenbaum, an Orthodox rabbi respected by his peers. He is a loved and learned man, not the cretin of mental in-fortitude that some pro-fessed him to be be-fore meeting him. Rabbi Metzenbaum swears that he will beat “Handsome” Cain Calloway and “Calloused” Cal Calloway senseless. Re-ports on attacking respected jazzman Cab Calloway are thus far un-substantiated. Both foppish dandies will be well thrashed by the “Smashin’ Semite,” from this moment, until Friday at sundown. The boss-man of the event, Greco-Roman wrestler Curtis Calhoun is wheeled down to the ring to watch the show. A most respected man, he wrestled for America in the Olympic Games and al-most swam the English Channel before his legs were in-explicably de-voured by man-eating sharks. To-night, the biggest event will be WWWFF champion El Gringo against the new student of radical spokes-man T.D.L. DuBois, who does not agree with the passive in-tegration of the colored man into fisticuffsmanship that is favored by Scholarly Thomas. Personally, this re-porter is frightened by DuBois. I suspect he is a Godless socialist. Any-how, the new chap is noted New Yorker Mark Ripluger, and when he is not grappling in the arena of fisticuffmanship, he par-takes in Dr. Naismith's new game of basket-ball, where he is said to be one of the more violent at his college. Ripluger likes to look at him-self in a mirror before he be-gins to spar! A true narcissist. I don't think I could deal with more than one of these foppish dandies! After three fascinating hours of chin-locks, arm-bars, and sleeper-holds, El Gringo unsurprisingly gets assistance from his "family," as his kind are expected to do. (Sorry fans, but methinks Mr. Clayfield is over this humble columnist's shoulder, and I value my bodily functions!) The championship remains "south of the border," and there is only one way to re-claim it: annex it back. The program ends with the fisticuffsmen joining "The Sensational Sinsina" in a minstreal show. I en-joyed this evening, and pleasantly await an other! Excelsior! Vaclav Schmertzek “The Bohemian Political Entity” On behalf of The Educated Enjoyers Of Fisticuffsmanship Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SuperJerk 0 Report post Posted June 10, 2004 Oh. My. God. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Nater Report post Posted June 10, 2004 Sounds like another fine Thurs-day evening of a fogged over viewership of this! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Art Sandusky 0 Report post Posted June 10, 2004 Man, this has no place in the WWE folder, but damned if it isn't great. Phineas and Barnaby Bashingham 0wn my face, as do "Handsome" Cain Calloway and "Calloused" Cal Calloway. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
griffinmills 0 Report post Posted June 10, 2004 When does the deluge of "this doesn't belong in X folder" end? Does it belong in the "old school folder?" I'm guessing it should go in the "Fantasy Booking and Columns" folder? It seems on one hand we have people moving threads about donkey kong into the WWE folder "so it will get read" and then on another hand we have people complaining that a gimmicky (but fun) smackdown recap should be moved out of the WWE folder. Being a lazy internet nobody I like coming to the WWE folder for all kinds of WWE related stuff to read. I don't expect everything to be %100, up to the moment, WWE related. If someone wants to mention Bradshaw getting fired from CNBC in the WWE folder that sounds fine to me but under the current scutiny it seems that it should not be allowed. Sorry if I'm not making great sense or over-reacting! It just dawned on me that I could very well be missing out on a running joke. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Trivia247 Report post Posted June 10, 2004 geez its an ingenius thread taking current players and events and do a circa 1890 spin to it thats all. Leave the thread alone its funny as hell. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Art Sandusky 0 Report post Posted June 10, 2004 Typical. Ignore my praise for the work and harp on how I said it shouldn't be in the WWE folder. Should've gone in HD or something if you wanted views while still getting comedy across. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
griffinmills 0 Report post Posted June 10, 2004 Sorry, basically I agree with you. It is funny stuff, reminds me of the "Old" Homestarrunner stuff I just have a hard time getting past your "this doesn't belong here" intro. Didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'd try and give more feedback but I'm probably being stupid enough at 5 in the morning as it is. I guess next time we should all try harder to just put our comments on the article and such while leaving our attitude on things like "where this belongs" or "should we care where this belongs" out of it. Thanks for answering my questions, I'm a bit amazed that this would be classified as "Hardcore Discussion" but I don't really participate here as much as you (mostly just read) so I must bow to your knowledge. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Art Sandusky 0 Report post Posted June 10, 2004 Damn straight you do. And Hardcore Discussion is a very misleading title. No penetration is shown. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Goodear Report post Posted June 10, 2004 I would pay money for this to actually be the style of Smackdown recaps. Yes I would. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Spaceman Spiff 0 Report post Posted June 10, 2004 Why it’s Phineas and Barnaby, the Bashingham Brothers, two iron-pumping galoots who are each sporting a handle-bar mustache. They ride their stylish ”uni-cycles” to the ring and proceed to toss around Van Daam like a sack-o-potatoes They should *SO* do this for real. Instead of unicycles, though, they need those bicycles with the outlandishly large front wheel. (and put this back in the WWE folder) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rob E Dangerously 0 Report post Posted June 10, 2004 Cross-Promotion.. yeah.. Ha Ha Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye 0 Report post Posted June 10, 2004 This should be a weekly arrival to the front page. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RavishingRickRudo 0 Report post Posted June 10, 2004 But Scholarly Thomas is not im-pressed! He even goes as far as to call HBC a PATSY! Clayfield takes offense, and tries to brand Scholarly Thomas with his brand-ing iron, but “Scholar T” kindly reminds the former slaveholder that such a tactic is not legal anymore. Flustered, HBC takes his brief-case and de-parts as Scholarly Thomas does a dance as re-quested. The Czech is Bech~! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
griffinmills 0 Report post Posted June 11, 2004 Damn straight you do. And Hardcore Discussion is a very misleading title. No penetration is shown. Curses, foiled again! What about it Mr Republic, is your consititutional fortitude up to snuff for weekly periodicals? I'd give you a half dime! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Czech Republic 0 Report post Posted June 13, 2004 I'll try it. By the way, somewhere on my computer there's a "lost episode" of 1890s Raw, Draft Lottery Edition that never got posted because I didn't feel it lived up to Kane tying Jim Ross to a railroad track as opposed to burning him after a heart-to-heart interview. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Samurai Johnny Frankenstein Report post Posted June 18, 2004 Is there a link to the original, 1890's Raw article floating around, I can't find it using this site's search engine Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
