Curb Your Enthusiasm Quotes

[justsoyouknow 0]

We've got the Askewniverse? quotes thread rolling along, so now let's get this one going as well.

 

Best show of the past few years, IMO, so name your favorite Curb Your Enthusiasm quotes.

 

Larry: "Look at this...I've never seen pants bunch up like this. It's like a five-inch bunch going on here! ...is this bad?"

Cheryl: "Yes, it's bad. Do you want people thinking you have a constant erection?"

Larry: "Is that such a bad thing?"

 

 

Larry: "This is 'merc (commercial)!"

Prostitute: "That's chronic!"

Larry: "This is 'merc!"

Prositute: "Have you ever even bought weed?"

Larry: ".....all the time!"

[The Czech Republic 0]

"Ya gotta go. You copped a feel off my mom, ya gotta go."

"I did not!"

"She says you did you gotta go."

"But I didn't!"

"Fine fine, just stay here, sneak out early or something but she can't see you. Sweet dreams."

"Yeah, I'll dream about fucking your mom."

[Placebo Effect 0]

"Somebody get a sponge!"

"Why don't you?"

 

Or something to that extent.

[justsoyouknow 0]

[Cheryl is reading a draft of her renewed wedding vows to Larry]

Cheryl: "We'll love each other throughout this lifetime, but after death through all eternity."

Larry: You mean this is... this is continuing into the afterlife?

Cheryl: Yeah, that's the idea. Do you have a problem with that?

Larry: Well, I... I thought this was over at death. I didn't know we went into eternity together. Isn't that what it said in..."'til death do us part," I thought it was...

Cheryl: Do you have a problem with eternity?

Larry: Well...

Cheryl: We finally found each other, Larry, and we're celebrating this for all eternity.

Larry: I guess I had a different plan for eternity. I thought... I thought I'd be single again.

 

 

Richard: You'd better call me later on, alright? By sundown.

Larry: "By sundown"? What are you... what are you, Gary Cooper? "By sundown"? What's gonna happen?

Richard: That's funny. You know, I'm tryin' not to laugh, but that's funny.

Larry: Yeah, okay.

Richard: You better call me by sundown.

Larry: "By sundown"? Is the posse gonna come get me?

 

 

Richard: How could you not help a blind man?

Larry: How could you say "blind man" in front of a blind man?

Blind Man: Oh pleeeeeeease, don't...

Larry: You called him a blind man right in front of him.

Richard: No, I didn't, I didn't mean that in a bad way, no, I got...

Blind Man: Oh no, no, no no...

Richard: I meant sightless. I didn't mean... I mean I respect the blind as much as anybody, I...

Blind Man: Oh, of course, it's not a problem, believe me.

Richard: No, I didn't mean that in a, in a derogatory sense. I got my own problems, really...

Blind Man: No no!

Richard: ...and I'm a recovering alcoholic, I have, I have intimacy problems, so...

Blind Man: Oh really?

Larry: Poor guy. Terrible intimacy problems.

Blind Man: Ohhhhhh.

Richard: I do have problems! I had...

Larry: Can't get close to a woman, it's a terrible thing!

Richard: It happens to be true! I'm just sayin' we're all in the same...

Blind Man: Yeah, right.

Larry: We're all the same. He can't see, and you have intimacy problems. You guys have a lot in common, don't ya?

[Art Sandusky 0]

Larry: Nice house.

Susie: Yeah, come on. I'll give you a tour.

Larry: Naw, it's ok.

Susie: No, come on.

Larry: No, it's ok. I.. I get it.

Susie: You get it?

Larry: Yeah, it's a house. It's new. I get it. It's nice.

Susie: You get it? Ok, you know what? Get the fuck out of my house, Larry.

 

Some guy (can't remember right now): Yeah, that's my brother. He died on September 11th.

Larry: I'm so sorry, was he in the building?

Guy: No, he was on 57th street. He was hit by a bike messenger.

Larry: I'm... so sorry.

[The Czech Republic 0]

The Blind Guy one sparked my FAVORITE single line from the show:

 

"Wow. You're just a babbling brook of bullshit, aren't you."

[justsoyouknow 0]

Some guy (can't remember right now): Yeah, that's my brother. He died on September 11th.

Larry: I'm so sorry, was he in the building?

Guy: No, he was on 57th street. He was hit by a bike messenger.

Larry: I'm... so sorry.

This was when he offended the rabbi and was sitting in his office. Larry noticed a picture on his desk and asked who it was.

 

Larry: Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, that's terrible.

Rabbi: Yeah, it's a tragedy.

Larry: Was he in the building?

Rabbi: No, he was uptown...57th street. He got hit by a bike messenger.

Larry: A bike messenger hit him and killed him?

Rabbi: Yeah.

Larry: I'm....so sorry.

 

 

Later on...

 

Larry: Oh, I didn't know that dying UPTOWN ON SEPTEMBER 11TH counted as a part of the tragedy.

[Guest Deebo]

Larry: I wanna see your ticket.

Man: You wanna see my ticket? Ok... here's my name on the ticket. If it was your ticket it would say "Fucking Douchebag".

[Art Sandusky 0]

"At least lie to us. Call us and lie to us. Lying is a show of respect!"

[The Czech Republic 0]

"Well, if you let me meet Julia, I think I could make some things happen."

 

FUCK! HIM! FUCK HIM!!

[Art Sandusky 0]

"I never called you a shoe whore!"

 

The entire Ben Stiller/Larry David scene about sitting in the backseat of Ben's car was AWESOME.

[Guest Boomer Sprinklespax]

Pretty much anything Krazee-Eyez Killa says is fucking brilliant.

 

"This the floor, it's made outta some...floor shit."

 

"Yo D-Licious, get a tissue, my man gonna sneeze!"

 

"Where's my nigga? Where's my nigga? There's my motherfuckin' nigga right there!"

 

Priceless stuff.

[Angle-plex 0]

"Pretttttttay, prettttttttttttaaaaaaay, pretttttttttttttttaaaaaaaaaaay, prettttttttttttttty good"

[The Czech Republic 0]

"I didn't know it was felony-or-treat."

 

"Move out of the way, I'm watching Maury. I have to see them get sent to boot camp so I can find out which ones got rehabilitated. YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T KNOW ME! FUCK YOU! GO FUCK YOURSELF! YOU DON'T KNOW ME! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!"

 

"Wrestling is fixed. It's predetermined! Yeah fake, is what it is. Your dad isn't really doing anything...everybody knows it's fake, that's why they watch it. Your dad is a fake! And tell him the bald-headed turd said hello."

[The Czech Republic 0]

"Didn't you check your order while you were there?"

"Yeah. I did. I did, but I decided to take the wrong order home instead."

[sfaJack 0]

"Mommy! Mommy! That bald man's in the bathroom and he's got something hard in his pants!"

[The Czech Republic 0]

"Mommy! Mommy! That bald man's in the bathroom and he's got something hard in his pants!"

You beat me to it.

 

Can somebody please explain the orchid thing?>

[Art Sandusky 0]

What orchid thing? I'm blanking here.

 

"What's your recap up to now? 3 months?"

[The Czech Republic 0]

When Larry goes to see the acupuncturist, he makes a bet that if he's cured he'll give the guy $5000 but if not he won't pay for his treatment. He then gets orchids in the mail from the acupuncturist. At the end when Larry asks what they were all about he says "Ancient Japanese custom" with this evil look.

 

"I'm just not seeing the connection between lobster and religion."

[Art Sandusky 0]

I remembered what you were talking about with the orchids, but I don't think it was ever explained.

[Art Sandusky 0]

"I should get a female heterosexual friend to play golf with, how would you like that?"

 

"He gave you an AL GREEN tape with 'Be with Me' on it??"

 

"Larry's in the car, you say it as if it means 'save the dirty talk for later!.'"

[justsoyouknow 0]

When Jeff's parents walk in on him watching the "Gil Bang" porn....

 

 

"Oh, hey! That's a friend of mine....I ate dinner at his house last night."

[The Czech Republic 0]

Larry: Hi Wanda.

Wanda: Oh I'm surprised you recognized me. I thought I'd have to turn around and show you my big ass.

Cheryl: He said he likes big asses.

Larry: I did not say I like big asses! I'm going upstairs I have to change.

Wanda: Yeah, and what's that shit all over you? Were you scroungin' around, lookin' for ass? Climbin' under the bleachers, "ooh I gots to get me some ass!"

[Art Sandusky 0]

(Larry is on a high as shit and looking in a bathroom mirror)

Larry's reflection: What are you looking at? You see something? Huh?

Larry: Wh- What did I do?

Larry's reflection: What did you do? You know what you did! You did nothing!

Larry: If you want me to do something, just tell me!

Larry's reflection: You've got to change the diet, I've told you about that. I don't want the red meat, you're eating the red meat. I don't like that!

Larry: I'm doing the best I can.

Larry's reflection: Go to a doctor. Get yourself a checkup. Colonoscopy, you afraid to get a colonoscopy? What's the matter with you?

Larry: I'm sorry.

Larry's reflection: Everybody gets it! Get a colonoscopy!

Larry: I'm really going to do it.

Larry's reflection: You got your father-in-law's birthday coming up. You going to get a card?

Larry: (nodding) Okay.

Larry's reflection: You're not going to get a card! You're not going to do a fucking thing!

Larry: I'll try and do better. I will.

Larry's reflection: TV! TV! TV! That's what you like to do! Read a fucking book!

Larry: Okay, yeah, you're right! You know everything!

Larry's reflection: Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?

[justsoyouknow 0]

I get the distinct feeling I'm like, ehhhhhhh....Himmler's ghost, here.

[Jason223_ThePit 0]

Two words.

 

Beloved cunt.