Board Wars

[Boner Kawanger 0]

When I picture Connecticutbah, I see a shitty swamp surrounding a really nice block of townhouses. Awesome.

[Art Sandusky 0]

Star Wars Gangsta Rap.

[Art Sandusky 0]

INTERIOR: VADERSAULT'S SUPER POSTER DESTROYER -- BRIDGE

 

Asteroids collide, creating a fireworks display outside the bridge window. Vadersault stands, staring out the window above the control deck. Then slowly turns toward the bridge. Before him are the hologram images of twenty battleship admins. One of these images, the commander of a board that has just offically gone dead, is fading away quickly. Another image, in the center and a little apart from the others, is faded and continually disrupted by static. It is the image of Captain Dids, commander of the Poster Destroyer most hotly on the tail of the Millennium Fletch. Admiral JustSoYouPiett and an aide stand behind Vadersault.

 

DIDS: (in hologram)...and that, Lord Vadersault, was the last time they appeared in any of our searches. Considering the amount of damage we've sustained, they must have been destroyed. On America.com you crash into asteroids but on Russia.com, asteroids crash into YOU! Whut.

 

VADERSAULT: No, Captain, they're alive. I want every ship available to sweep the asteroid field until they are found. And stop with that damned “hip-hop” talk.

 

Vadersault makes quotes in the air with his fingers as he says this.

 

The Imperial star captains fade out one by one as Vadersault turns to Admiral JustSoYouPiett.

 

JUSTSOYOUPIETT: Lord Vadersault.

 

VADERSAULT: Yes, Admiral, what is it?

 

The admiral is scared, his face white as a sheet.

 

JUSTSOYOUPIETT: The Emperor commands you make contact with him.

 

VADERSAULT: Move the ship out of the asteroid field so that we can send a clear transmission. You’re excused to your self-injuring chambers for the rest of the shift.

 

JUSTSOYOUPIETT: Yes, my lord. Thank you, my lord.

 

EXTERIOR: ASTEROID FIELD -- VADERSAULT'S SUPER POSTER DESTROYER

 

Vadersault's Super Poster Destroyer moves against the vast sea of stars away from the rest of the fleet.

 

INTERIOR: VADERSAULT'S SUPER POSTER DESTROYER -- VADERSAULT'S CHAMBER

 

The Dark Lord, Vadersault, is alone in his chamber strange sound enters the room and a light begins to play across Vadersault's black figure. He looks up and bows quickly. A twelve-foot hologram of the Server TSMperor materializes before Vadersault. The TSMperor's dark robes and monk's hood are reminiscent of the cloak worn by Obi-Will Helmeti. His voice is even deeper and more frightening than Vadersault's. TSMperor Palpatom speaks.

 

VADERSAULT: What is thy bidding, my master?

 

PALPATOM: What?

 

VADERSAULT: What is thy bidding, my master?

 

PALPATOM: Hold on, I have to turn this thing up.

 

The TSMperor adjusts something in his ear and downs an E-Metamucil

 

PALPATOM: Okay, try again.

 

Vadersault appears irked, but obeys.

 

VADERSAULT: What is thy bidding, my master?

 

PALPATOM: There is a great disturbance in the Whorce.

 

VADERSAULT: I have felt it.

 

PALPATOM: We have a new enemy -- Dave Cobainwalker.

 

VADERSAULT: Yes, my master.

 

PALPATOM: He could destroy us.

 

VADERSAULT: He's just a boy. Obi-Will can no longer help him.

 

PALPATOM: The Force is strong with him. The son of Cobainwalker must not become a Post Whore.

 

VADERSAULT: If he could be turned, he would become a powerful ally.

 

PALPATOM: Yes... Yes. He would be a great asset. Can it be done?

 

VADERSAULT: He will join us or die, my master.

 

Vadersault kneels. The supreme TSMperor passes a hand over the crouched Dark Lord of the Yank and fades away.

[Art Sandusky 0]

EXTERIOR: LANDING PLATFORM -- DOOR OF MILLENNIUM FLETCH

 

Bank and Welsh stand at the open door, armed. Behind them, Soulie, also armed, surveys the scene warily.

 

AGNES: Oh. No one to meet us.

 

WELSH: I don't like this.

 

BANK: Well, what would you like?

 

AGNES: Well, they did let us land.

 

BANK: Look, don't worry. Everything's going to be fine. Trust me. Except for you, Agnes. I hear they don’t like feminine droids.

 

Agnes shakes with fear.

 

INTERIOR: CLOUD CITY.COM/FORUMS -- CORRIDOR -- DAY

 

Kotzo Kylierian, a suave, dashing black man in his thirties, leads a group of aides and some CloudCity.com/forums posters rapidly toward the landing platform. The group, like the other citizens of the city, is a motley collection of trolls, droids, and humans of all descriptions. Kotzo has a grim expression on his face as he moves onto the landing platform.

 

EXTERIOR: LANDING PLATFORM -- DOOR OF MILLENNIUM FLETCH

 

BANK: See? My friend. (to Soulie) Keep your eyes open, okay?

 

Soulie growls as Bank walks down the ramp. Kotzo and his men head across the bridge to meet the space pirate.

 

EXTERIOR: CLOUD CITY.COM/FORUMS -- LANDING PLATFORM

 

Kotzo stops ten feet from Bank. The two men eye each other carefully. Bank shakes his head.

 

KOTZO: Why, you slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler! You've got a lot of guts coming here, after what you pulled in that thread about my glowsticking.

 

Bank points to himself innocently, mouthing, "Me?" Kotzo moves threateningly toward Bank. Suddenly, he throws his arms around his startled, long-lost friend and embraces him.

 

KOTZO: (laughs) How you doing, you old troll? So good to see you! I never thought I'd catch up with you again. Where you been?

 

The two old friends embrace, laughing and chuckling.

 

EXTERIOR: LANDING PLATFORM -- DOOR OF MILLENNIUM FLETCH.

 

AGNES: Well, he seems very friendly. Cute too.

 

WELSH: (wary) Yes...very friendly.

 

EXTERIOR: CLOUD CITY.COM/FORUMS -- LANDING PLATFORM

 

KOTZO: What are you doing here?

 

BANK: (gestures toward the Fletch) Ahh...repairs. I thought you could help me out.

 

KOTZO: (in mock panic) What have you done to my ship?

 

BANK: Your ship? Hey, remember, you lost her to me fair and square.

 

KOTZO: Millennium Fletch indeed, the Red Blooded Woman was such a better name.

 

BANK: You and your obsession with the planet Minoguia.

 

KOTZO: Philistine.

 

BANK: Cockmonger.

 

KOTZO: I know you are, but what am I?

 

BANK: You’re wearing a purple cloak.

 

KOTZO: It’s a good color!

 

BANK: So yeah, you’re a cockmonger.

 

KOTZO: Whatever, how you doing, Soulbacca? Still hanging off of this loser’s sack?

 

Soulie growls a reserved greeting. Kotzo suddenly notices the princess and smiles.

 

KOTZO: Hello. What have we here? Welcome. I'm Kotzo Kylierian. I'm the administrator of this forum. and who might you be?

 

WELSH: Welsh.

 

KOTZO: Welcome, Welsh.

 

Kotzo bows before Welsh and kisses her hand.

 

BANK: All right, all right, stop trying to prove you’re straight.

 

Bank takes Welsh by the hand and steers her away from Kotzo.

 

AGNES: Hello, sir. I am Agnes, human-cyborg relations. My facilities are at your...

 

Before Agnes can finish his self-introduction, Kotzo has turned to follow Bank and Welsh, who are walking toward the forum.

 

KOTZO: Sorry man, I don’t want your “services.”

 

AGNES: Well, really!

 

Kotzo, his aide, the extremely white and bald Ripbot, and Bank lead the way across the bridge, followed by Agnes, Soulie and Welsh.

 

KOTZO: What's wrong with the Fletch?

 

BANK: Hyperdrive.

 

KOTZO: I'll get my people to work on it.

 

BANK: Good.

 

Kotzo turns to Welsh.

 

KOTZO: You know, that ship saved my life quite a few times. She's the fastest hunk of junk in the server.

 

INTERIOR: CLOUD CITY.COM/FORUMS -- CORRIDOR

 

The group has crossed the narrow bridge and entered the forum. They walk down the lovely Art Deco passageway, rounding several corners and passing many small plazas as they go. Agnes lags a bit behind.

 

BANK: How's the forum working? Is it paying off for you?

 

KOTZO: Oh, not as well as I'd like. We're a small, freely-hosted board and not very self-sufficient. And I've had bandwidth problems of every kind. I've had poster difficulties...(catches Bank grinning at him) What's so funny?

 

BANK: You. Listen to you -- you sound like an admin, a responsible leader. Who'd have thought that, huh?

 

Kotzo is reflective. He looks at Bank a moment.

 

KOTZO: You know, seeing you sure brings back a few things.

 

BANK: Yeah. Don’t stare at my package.

 

KOTZO: (shakes his head) Yeah, I'm responsible these days. It's the price you pay for being successful.

 

Bank and Kotzo laugh together, and the group moves on through the corridor. The lagging Agnes passes a Agnes-type silver droid who is coming out of a door.

 

AGNES: Oh! Nice to see a familiar face. What’s your sign, baby?

 

SECOND AGNES: (mumbles) E chu ta!

 

AGNES: How rude!

 

Agnes stops, watching the silver droid move away. Then he hears the muffled beeping and whistling of an ALF-2 unit coming from within the room.

 

INTERIOR: CLOUD CITY.COM/FORUMS -- ANTEROOM

 

Curious, Agnes enters the room.

 

AGNES: That sounds like an ALF-2 unit in there. I wonder if...

 

Agnes walks through the doorway to the main room. He looks in.

 

AGNES: Hello? How interesting. Oh, my.

 

MAN'S VOICE: (from within) Who are you?

 

AGNES: Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I...I didn't mean to intrude. No, no, please don't get up. No!

 

A laser bolt to Agnes's chest sends him flying in twenty directions. Smoldering mechanical arms and legs bounce off the walls as the door whooshes closed behind him.

 

INTERIOR: CLOUD CITY.COM/FORUMS -- CORRIDOR

 

Kotzo, Bank, and Welsh continue down the corridor unaware of Agnes’s dreadful accident. Soulbacca glances around, sniffs the air, but shrugs his shoulders and follows the group.

[Boner Kawanger 0]

It would be an interesting twist if that rogueish Kotzo swerved our heroes, but this is your story. Don't feel like you have to take my suggestions. It's plenty fine already.

[Adam 0]

This is aweoms, I can't believe I didnt read it before. I'll make a cameo if you can fit me in, great story though.

[Art Sandusky 0]

INTERIOR: CLOUDCITY.COM/FORUMS -- MEMBER CHAT QUARTERS -- DAY

 

The door zaps open. Soulbacca walks in, carrying a packing case of Agnes, arms and legs hanging over the edge.

 

WELSH: What happened?

 

Soulie sets the case on a table, grunting and groaning an explanation.

 

BANK: Where? Found him in a gay robot bar?

 

Soulie grunts and growls again.

 

BANK: Oh, a junk pile.

 

WELSH: What a mess. Soulie, do you think you can repair him?

 

The giant Bostiee studies the array of robot parts. He looks at the princess and shrugs sadly.

 

BANK: Kotzo's got people who can fix him.

 

WELSH: No, thanks.

 

There is a buzz and the door slides open, revealing Kotzo.

 

KOTZO: I'm sorry. Am I interrupting anything?

 

WELSH: Not really.

 

KOTZO: You look absolutely beautiful. You truly belong here with us among the clouds.

 

WELSH: (coolly) Thank you.

 

BANK: Almost as beautiful as your, um, gaudy outfit.

 

KOTZO: Don’t diss the pimp gear. Will you join me for a little refreshment?

 

Bank looks at Kotzo suspiciously, but Soulie barks at the mention of food and licks his lips.

 

KOTZO: Everyone's invited, of course.

 

Welsh takes Kotzo's proffered arm, and the group turns to go. Kotzo spots Agnes’ remains.

 

KOTZO: Having trouble with your droid?

 

Bank and Welsh exchange a quick glance.

 

BANK: No. No problem. Why?

 

Bank and Welsh move arm-in-arm through the door, followed by Kotzo and Soulie. The door slides closed behind them.

 

INTERIOR: CLOUDCITY.COM/FORUMS -- INDEX -- DAY

 

Welsh walks between Bank and Kotzo as Soulie follows a short distance behind. Long shafts of light pour across the index between tall, pure-white columns.

 

KOTZO: So you see, since we're a small operation, we don't fall into the...uh...jurisdiction of the TSMpire.

 

WELSH: So you're part of the IWC guild then?

 

KOTZO: No, not actually. Our operation is small enough not to be noticed...which is advantageous for everybody since our members are anxious to avoid attracting attention to themselves.

 

The group walks into another index and heads for a huge doorway at the far end.

 

BANK: Aren't you afraid the TSMpire's going to find out about this little operation and shut you down?

 

KOTZO: That's always been a danger looming like a shadow over everything we've built here. But things have developed that will ensure security. I've just made a deal that will keep the TSMpire out of here forever.

 

INTERIOR: CLOUDCITY.COM/FORUMS -- FOOD FORUM

 

The mighty doors to the dining room slide open and the group enters the food forum. At the far end of a huge banquet thread sits Vadersault. Standing at his side and slightly behind him is Boba Piss, the... eccentric bounty hunter.

Faster than the wink of an eye, Bank draws his Ghast and pops off a couple of flames directly at Vadersault. The Dark Poster quickly raises his hand, deflecting the insults into one of the side walls, where they explode harmlessly. Just as quickly, Bank's Ghast zips into Vadersault's hand. The evil presence calmly places the Ghast on the table in front of him.

 

VADERSAULT: We would be honored if you would join us.

 

Bank gives Kotzo a mean look.

 

KOTZO: I had no choice. They arrived right before you did. I'm sorry.

 

BANK: I'm sorry, too.

[Guest FrigidSoul]

Scenes with me in them are always good.

 

This is actually making me want to watch episodes 4-6 again.

[Art Sandusky 0]

What's funny is that few of you will ever watch these the same again. You'll want to imagine TSMers in place of the characters. Sad and entertaining at the same time.

[Boner Kawanger 0]

BANK: Where? Found him in a gay robot bar?

 

Soulie grunts and growls again.

 

BANK: Oh, a junk pile.

 

Brilliant. Unless I missed it before, you have to make "Bank misunderstanding Soulie" a running gag.

[Art Sandusky 0]

INTERIOR: GANTRY -- OUTSIDE CONTROL ROOM -- REACTOR SHAFT

 

Dave moves along the railing and up to the control room. Vadersault lunges at him and Dave immediately raises his lit Dutch to meet Vadersault’s. Sparks fly as they duel, Vadersault gradually forcing Dave backward toward the gantry.

 

VADERSAULT: You are beaten. It is useless to resist. Don't let yourself be destroyed as Obi-Will did.

 

Dave answers by rolling sideways and thrusting his Dutch at Vadersault so viciously that he nicks Vadersault on the shoulder. The black armor sparks and smokes and Vadersault seems to be hurt, but immediately recovers.

 

Dave backs off along the narrow end of the gantry as Vadersault comes at him, slashing at the young Post Whore with his Dutch. Dave makes a quick move around the instrument complex attached to the end of the gantry. Vadersault's Dutch comes slashing down, cutting the complex loose; it begins to fall, then is caught by the rising wind and blown upward.

 

Dave glances at the instrument complex floating away. At that instant, Vadersault's Dutch comes down across Luke's right forearm, cutting off his spelling ability and sending his Dutch flying. In great pain, Dave squeezes his forearm under his left armpit and moves back along the gantry to its extreme end. Vadersault follows. The wind subsides. Dave holds on. There is nowhere else to go.

 

VADERSAULT: There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. You do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover you power. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the server.

 

DAVE: I'll never join you!

 

VADERSAULT: If you only knew the power of the dark side. Obi-Will never told you what happened to your father.

 

DAVE: He told me enough! He told me you killed him.

 

VADERSAULT: No. I am your father.

 

Shocked, Dave looks at Vadersault in utter disbelief.

 

DAVE: No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!

 

VADERSAULT: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

 

DAVE: No! No!

 

VADERSAULT: Dave, you can destroy Emperor Palpatom. He has foreseen this. It is your destiny. Join me, and we can rule the server as father and son. Come with me. It's the only way.

 

Vadersault puts away his Dutch and holds his hand out to Dave.

A calm comes over Dave, and he makes a decision. In the next instant he steps off the gantry platform into space. The Dark Poster looks over the platform and sees Dave falling far below. The wind begins to blow at Vadersault's cape and the torrent finally forces him back, away from the edge. The wind soon fades and the wounded Post Whore begins to drop fast, unable to grab onto anything to break his fall.

[Guest Fook]

VADERSAULT: If you only knew the power of the dark side. Obi-Will never told you what happened to your father.

 

DAVE: He told me enough! He told me you killed him.

 

VADERSAULT: No. I am your father.

 

 

I would've changed "killed" to "banned", but otherwise this is great.

[Spaceman Spiff 0]

^^^

 

Agree. EDIT PLZ~

[Art Sandusky 0]

It's got continuity from the Episode IV alteration, and remember Obi-Wan's "from a certain point of view" definition of "kill," since Vader killed his light side and thus Anakin Skywalker to become the Dark Lord.

 

Similarly, a messageboarder doing the same thing with themselves would be killing their old persona. No one banned them. Rather, they killed it themselves.

[Spaceman Spiff 0]

OK, that makes sense.

 

NO EDIT PLZ~

[Art Sandusky 0]

EXTERIOR: E-SPACE -- REBEL CRUISER

 

The Millennium Fletch is attached to a huge Rebel cruiser by a docking tube. Rebel flamers move about the giant cruiser, and a Rebel transport ship hovers near the fleet.

 

INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FLETCH -- COCKPIT

 

Kotzo sits in the pilot's seat as he talks into the comlink. Soulie busily throws a variety of switches in preparation for takeoff.

 

KOTZO: Can we please re-name this ship the Red Blooded Woman?

 

Soulie growls and grunts.

 

KOTZO: Millenium Fletch is such an awful name though. It’d be like if I called it the Epic Bill or something.

 

Soulie groans a curt response.

 

KOTZO: Well, when Bank’s not a popsicle, maybe I will win it back and name it as I please.

 

Soulie is satisfied.

 

KOTZO: (into comlink) Dave, we're ready for takeoff.

 

Dave: (over comlink) Good luck, Kotzo.

 

KOTZO: (into comlink) When we find JennTaSA the Hutt and that bounty hunter, we'll contact you.

 

DAVE: Don’t let her eat you before you rescue Bank.

 

Kotzo laughs.

 

INTERIOR: STAR CRUISER -- MEDICAL CENTER

 

Dave is speaking into the comlink as a medical droid works on his hand. Welsh stands near him while Agnes and ALF-2 look out the window.

 

DAVE: (into comlink) I'll meet you at the rendezvous point on Sanktooine.

 

INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FLETCH -- COCKPIT

 

KOTZO: (into comlink) Princess, we'll find Bank. I promise.

 

INTERIOR: STAR CRUISER -- MEDICAL CENTER

 

LUKE: (into comlink) Soulie, I'll be waiting for your signal.

 

Soulie's wail comes over the comlink.

 

DAVE: (into comlink) Take care, you two. May the Whorce be with you.

 

Dave looks down at his hand. A metalized type of bandage has been wrapped around his wrist. The medical droid makes some adjustments in a tiny electronic unit, then pricks each one of Dave's fingers.

 

DAVE: Ow! I geuss this isn’t so baso.

 

MEDICAL DROID: Now, master Cobainwalker, your spelling ability will never be completely the same, but you’ll still be able to be understood.

 

DAVE: I hoep.

 

Dave wriggles his fingers, makes a fist, and relaxes it. His hand is completely functional at least.

He gets up and walks over to Welsh. There is a new bond between them, a new understanding. Welsh is thinking about Bank; Dave is thinking about his uncertain and newly complicated future. Together they stand at the large window of the medical center looking out on the Rebel Star Cruiser and a dense, luminous server swirling in e-space. Dave puts his arm around Welsh. The droids stand next to them, and Agnes moves closer to ALF-2 putting his arm on him. ALF-2 lets out an angry beep and Agnes backs off. The group watches as the Millennium Fletch moves into view, makes a turn, and zooms away into e-space.

 

EXTERIOR: E-SPACE -- REBEL STAR CRUISER

 

While Welsh, Dave, and the droids stand, looking out the window of the star cruiser, two escort flamers join the large ship. Slowly, the cruiser turns and moves away into e-space.