Best lines you can remember

[Thoth 0]

Post 'em here.

 

I think Johnny Rotten's entire 4 AM match constitutes a best line.

[janusd 0]

Not show related, but it had to be said.

 

"I actually have to write a match!?" -- Tokyo X

[Angel_Grace_Blue 0]

Thoth, do you mean the Cranberry match against Apostle? Because I've got that and wouldn't mind posting it if that's what you mean.

 

I've been around too long to recall many good lines, so I'll just read the other posts...

[Thoth 0]

Yes, I meant the Cranberry match.

[Hank Kingsley 0]

Boom. Explosion. Everyone dies except Thoth.

[Angel_Grace_Blue 0]

Ah, yes indeed, le match de cranberry. And here it is, as promised.

 

[Commercial Break]

 

A little boy is sitting in the corner pouting, when IGNWF's Edwin Macphisto walks up.

 

Edwin: "Gee son, what's the problem?"

 

Boy: "My best friend's birthday party is tonight, and I don't know what to get him."

 

Edwin: "Good thing I'm here!"

 

Edwin makes weird motions with his hand, and the background is starwhiped out, while the background of a mall fills the screen.

 

Boy: "What's this all about sir?!"

 

Edwin: "The panda emporium! The only place to pick up everything panda!"

 

Boy: "But, he doesn't like ani.."

 

As the boy tries to speak, Edwin grabs him by the hand, taking him into the store. Upon entrance the camera pans around to see what looks like thousands of stuffed pandas. Chris Raynor is standing at the counter, and bends toward the child.

 

Raynor: "Want a free sucker?!"

 

Boy: "My mommie told me not to take ca..."

 

Raynor wastes no time shoving the sucker into the kid's mouth as Edwin drags the kid towards the back of the store.

 

Edwin: "Here at the Panda Emporium, we have panda pens, panda key chains, even panda pants!"

 

NTD is shown standing, and upon hearing the last statement, looks distressed, and rushes towards the door.

 

Boy: "But, my friend doesn't even like pa..."

 

Edwin: "Pandas, Pandas, Pandas.... Pandas Pandas Pandas."

 

Raynor pops into the shot.

 

Raynor: "Pantera Pandas!"

 

The boy finally breaks free from Raynor, and walks towards one area of the store.

 

Raynor and Edwin look at each other goofily, and shrug following along. The boy walks up to Mistress Sarah, as she cracks her whip. She is scantly clad.

 

Boy: "My friend would like her!"

 

Edwin: "I think you're missing the point here, we have pan.."

 

Sarah: "Awww, a birthday party.. he's so cute."

 

Edwin: "But Sarah...."

 

Sarah: "Sure, I'll come with you little boy."

 

The boy jumps up into the air, and drags Mistress Sarah out of the store, showing her little bottom shake as she leaves. Edwin and Raynor are left standing next to each other watching them leave.

 

Edwin: "Oh well, We'll sell some of this stuff soon."

 

Raynor: "Pantera."

 

[back to IGNite]

 

The camera is showing the two poles on the corners, one with a turkey hanging from it, and the other with a can, as the crowd applauds.

 

Curry: "Hello, and welcome back to IGNite, we're looking at the setup for our next match which will be quite an entertaining match."

 

NTD: "It should be, but it shows what kind of weird things that go on when the power structure it tampered with. Johnny Rotten was mauled several weeks ago on IGNite by Apostle."

 

Curry: "If you remember, Rotten and Perfect Bo were in a terrible car wreck which has put Perfect Bo out indefinately."

 

NTD: "Rotten had a fractured leg, and being a tough fighter, he decided to continue wrestling for Bo."

 

Curry: "But, valiant or not Rotten lost to a vindictive, and sadistic Apostle."

 

NTD: "The weird thing about the match was, Apostle seems to want to take down the IGNWO, but was vicious in his attempts to destroy a very likable member of the IGNWF."

 

Curry: "Especially after the car wreck, the fans have really taken a liking to him."

 

NTD: "Let's take a look back at exactly what went on."

 

[A medley of the finer points of Apostle vs. Rotten is shown. All of them revolving around the taunting of Rotten, and the utter destruction of a injured member of Anarchy fighting for his best friend.]

 

Curry: "How could Apostle do such a thing?"

 

NTD: "I don't know, but Commish Stubby has decided to let Rotten take out some of his anger in a very humiliating match."

 

Curry: "Let's get to the ring as Funyon explains."

 

Funyon: "The next match is a Thanksgiving Massacre match. To win the match you must take the Turkey, and the cranberry sauce from the two poles located adjacent to me. After they are removed, you must complete the table setting, and place the Turkey on the tray, while pouring out the cranberry sauce."

 

Curry: "Complicated enough?"

 

NTD: "Not hardly!"

 

Funyon: "Introducing first, from Los Angeles, California, and weighing in at 345 pounds..."

 

The lights in the arena turn pitch black as a deep voice overlays every sound in the arena: "Straight from hell". At the mere mention of that phrase, some of the fans start to cheer, but fewer than normal as pyrotechnics explode in a giant mass at the top as "Alive" by P.O.D. begins to play. The IGNtron begins to show the POD music video while alternating to clips of Apostle at his best. Apostle comes out from back of the ring, taking off his trench coat and tossing it to the front row as he walks down the ramp.

 

Curry: "The crowd is obviously a bit jaded at Apostle for attacking Rotten the way that he did."

 

NTD: "There was no call for it."

 

Apostle tries to bring the crowd to his side, but boos continue to mix with the cheers. It's hard to tell how much of the crowd is angered, but it's apparent that some are unhappy with the way Rotten was treated. Standing in the ring, he seems to set his sights towards the ramp awaiting to punish Rotten even more.

 

Funyon attempts to start introducing Rotten, but "Anarchy in the U.K." starts to play over the announce system, as Rotten walks from the back quite quickly, micraphone in hand. The crowd sings along to the chorus, as he smiles, and shakes a few hands before turning his attention to Apostle.

 

Rotten: "Hey kid, How's it going?"

 

Apostle paces back and forth, before leaning on the ropes to stare at Johnny.

 

Rotten: "2 weeks ago, you did a fine job taking me out. I see that you can attack, and humiliate someone with a broken leg. The question is... How do you like being humiliated, kid?"

 

Rotten points towards the Turkey, as Apostles head follows the non existant line between the two. The crowd cheers wildly, as Apostle tries to gain the crowds support, but fails.

 

Rotten: "You did a good job working on my leg last time, let's see if you can do it when I'm healed?"

 

Rotten runs up the ramp as quickly as possible as a thud resonates around the arena as the micraphone hits the ground. The crowd roars.

 

Curry: "Rotten looks ready to teach Apostle a lesson."

 

NTD: "This match has hardcore rules, and he is fighting one of the best hardcore champions in IGNWF history."

 

Rotten slides underneath the bottom rope to an awaiting Apostle who starts kicking away immediately to soften up Rotten, but with little success. Rotten reaches his feet quickly and starts laying punch after punch into Apostle's grill. A timely knee to Rotten's gut cuts off the flurry, and Apostle pushes him into the ropes for extra speed, irish whipping him into the ropes. After rebounding from the ropes, Rotten ducks a clothesline from the big man, and quickly twists around to his back for a Full Nelson Bomb, as the two bodies hit the mat the crowd roars with approval.

 

Curry: "A quick start to the match as Rotten counters the clothesline."

 

NTD: "Apostle is a very strong man, but about as fast as a slug."

 

Apostle sells the Full Nelson Bomb hard, as Rotten quickly manuvers to his feet catching Apostle looking away for a second Full Nelson Bomb. The crowd jumps up once more, as Apostle squirms and rolls out of the ring. While Apostle catches his breathe on the outside, Rotten grabs the Turkey off the pole, and places it on the setting.

 

Curry: "Apostle is too ignorant to realise he can't take a break, or Rotten will win the match."

 

NTD: "Rotten just did half the work for Apostle, maybe that was his master plan all along."

 

Curry stares at NTD looking strangely....

 

NTD: "Could be..."

 

Apostle finally notices that Rotten is completing the match without him, and the lumbering beast goes to sneak up on Johnny as he reaches for the Cranberry sauce. By the time the ape like creature reaches Rotten, he puts his boot out waiting for him. The next 20 seconds of the match look like slow motion, but they are not, as Apostle continues to baby step his way into Rotten's boot as he waits patiently.

 

NTD: "Any day now..."

 

Curry: "What a slow man...."

 

Apostle shakes off the boot to the face, as Rotten throws the cranberry sauce towards the platter, positioning himself on the turnbuckle. Apostle, like the instinctive apelike creature he is moves towards Rotten's armpit, which sets him up perfectly for a tornado ddt! The crowd roars again, because they paid their money, and they can yell if they want to.

 

NTD: "ROTTEN WITH THE TORNADO DDT!"

 

Curry: "Yep, we didn't see that coming."

 

Rotten is back to his feet, as something barely audible can be heard from Apostle. "Me no like cranberries." Even still, Apostle reaches his feet once more to find an awaiting Rotten preparing him for the pyramid driver. Apostle lets Rotten prepare thinking that he'll just reverse the move, but because of his quick speed, he manages to start trying to reverse it after he is already on the ground in pain.

 

The next part of the match is strickly for a higher word count. I will filibuster here for as long as possible because no one is actually reading this match. Rotten with a slam of some sorts. So, What are you doing in this lonely club? Come with anyone? Well, I saw you from across the bar, and I thought you were... A beautiful Russian leg sweep leaves Apostle on the ground again.

 

Curry: "A beautiful Russian? is that possible."

 

NTD: "Don't like hairy armpits?"

 

Apostle continues to move as fast as (insert something very slow so that it is very funny when compared to the word fast which proceeds it.) Rotten locks on the Rotten Spike, which is a submission. Like most cases in which submissions are used, Apostle lays on the ground for awhile gaining strength when he should be losing it until he can break free. The elbow to the midsection, the elbow to the midsection. The patented run to the ropes, the return missed clothesline, and then a flying cross body block with the regulatory pin.

 

1...... Not a chance.

 

Rotten kicks out from the oafy mass on top of him, and reaches his feet quickly. Rotten feels like humiliating Apostle more, and considering there is only a 3000 word limit, he backs him into the corner for the Shattered Dreams. Suffice to say, the crowd is happy, and Apostle is mad. Rotten kicks Apostle in a place which will make his girlfriend mad, and the crowd continues to cheer violence. The announcers start talking about what they're having for dinner because of the squash match that this has turned into. NTD mentioned Turkey and Cranberry sauce which was kind of funny. Maybe I should have typed that out. Oh well.

 

A camera shows Apostle reading the match because my match won, and he sucks. He is sitting at his computer screen laughing at first until he gets all upset that his huge oafy charcter that no sells everything is being used like a rag doll. He starts formulating his hateful flames to Rotten, and how his match was worse than his. Just then Rotten jumps through an open window, and hits a pyramid driver causing Apostle to squirm around in agony. His bed full of stuffed animals cheers in approval.

 

Bear with only one eye: "Wow, He just got nailed!"

 

Barbie Figure: "This is what he gets for pushing me up against Ken, and making kissy noises."

 

Yawn. It's 4:47a.m. I should be asleep. Let's take a break from the action and get to know each other. Do you stay up all night writing a match that no one will read, and get forgotten about? Do you spend your time working hard on a match just so that someone else can tell you it's no good? Yeah, well you suck. Back to the action.

 

Apostle with a 450 off the top rope onto Rotten, and IGNite goes to commercial, we'll be back in a moment.

 

[Commercial Break]

 

Mark Stevens and the King of Hearts are sitting together at a table.

 

Mark: "KoH, Don't eat new polar ice gum. It will change you."

 

Mark commences to eat the King of Hearts. Mark paws at the camera with fake fur on his hand. As Steven's opens his mouth, you each a echoing King of Hearts yell.

 

"Just Gum?"

 

{End of Commercial Break]

 

Back to the incredible match. When the cameras get back, Rotten and Apostle are laying on the ground in the middle of the ring. The jar of cranberry sauce is open, and it looks like Apostle has red stains around his mouth.

 

NTD: "The match is all about pointless now."

 

Curry: "Yeah, what kind of moron eats the stipulation?"

 

Rotten fights to his feet, and noticing that the Turkey is on the plate, Rotten lifts up Apostle. An irish whip into the ropes, and a backbody drop sends the Apostle onto the table with the Turkey. The ref signals for the bell.

 

Your Winner, Johnny Rotten!

 

NTD: "How did that happen?"

 

Curry: "Well, Apostle did eat the cranberry sauce, and he is on the platter."

 

NTD: "What a wacky way to win a match."

 

"Sail Away" by enya hits the P.A. as GORO runs down to the ring. The crowd is smiling like idiots as this freak of nature slides under the ropes.

 

GORO: "WHAT DID GOROS MISS?"

 

Everyone laughs as IGNite fades to commercial.

[Guest Ghetto Bird]

Uhm, Andrea? Speaking of old matches?

[Guest Ghetto Bird]

Thanks again for the matches, Drea... So, uhm... Jay Dawg used to be a cruiserweight?

[Angel_Grace_Blue 0]

Yes, but no. He was a cruiser as Jaime "Kid Bullet" Bjork.

 

Yes, Bjork, as in that fucking crazy Icelandic singer woman.

 

BJORK!