Jews

[Guest TheUltimateWhorrior]

What's up with these guys?

[k thx 0]

They have nice smiles?

[GreatWhiteNope 0]

They like to talk?

[NYU 0]

They're not very good at driving?

[k thx 0]

Jews are like Christians, but with more hygenic pee pees.

[DerangedHermit 0]

They're good at math?

[NYU 0]

They're good at math?

That's the Chinese!

 

The Jews are just good at money...

[DerangedHermit 0]

They're good at math?

That's the Chinese!

 

The Jews are just good at money...

Stupid me!

 

Uhhh...........they killed Jesus? *canoworms*

[Guest INXS]

I've never seen a real life Jew.

[DerangedHermit 0]

I've never seen a real life Jew.

Where do ya live? Montanananana?

[k thx 0]

Apart from my posts, this threads sucks. Also, DerangedHermit is a moron.

[Guest INXS]

I've never seen a real life Jew.

Where do ya live? Montanananana?

North Yorkshire, England.

[Guest T®ITEC]

I [heart] Jews.

[razazteca 0]

They put the JEW in jew·el·ry.

[Guest 5.0Fanatic]

I hear they're hung like circumsized horses....

[Rob E Dangerously 0]

Mila Kunis is hot

[Jorge Gorgeous 0]

I hear they're hung like circumsized horses....

Fuck yeah.

[Downhome 0]

Though by many they're abhorred,

Hebrew people I’ve adored,

Even though they killed my lord,

I need a Jew!

[razazteca 0]

Mila Kunis is hot

Is she one of those Puerto Rican Jews like that talk show guy?

[Richard 0]

She's from the Ukraine

[Giuseppe Zangara 0]

I'm 1/8th Jew.

[Downhome 0]

Say that again?

 

Peter:

Nothing else has worked so far,

So I’ll wish upon a star,

Wondrous sparkling speck of light,

I need a Jew...

 

Lois makes me take the rap,

Because our checkbook looks like crap,

Since I can't give her a slap,

I need a Jew...

 

Where to find

A bum or stien or stein

To teach me how to whine

And do my taxes...

 

Though by many they're abhorred,

Hebrew people I’ve adored,

Even though they killed my lord,

I need a Jew!

 

Max:

Hi, my name's Max Weinstein,

my car just broke down,

can I use you phone?

 

Peter:

Now my troubles are all through

I have a Jew!

 

Max:

Hey!

 

 

That one part is just my favorite.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Mel Brooks is great.

[redbaron29 0]

<====== Jew

 

 

 

Kyle: My cousin's been here for two weeks and he's driving me insane. I've spent five years in this town making a good name for Jews and this... This stereotype shows up and wrecks it all. You know what my biggest fear is? It's that I'll become him. That some how his mannerisms will rub off on me and I'll become a stereotype. I mean I'm a Jew and he's making me hate Jews.

Stan: Dude, a self-hating Jew, you ARE becoming a stereotype.

Kyle: You see?

 

 

That is priceless. And very freakin true.

 

Oh and one other thing....On behalf of my people I would like to apologize for Barbra Streisand. We dont know what happened there but I assure you, we all arn't like that.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Pi is an awesome movie. There's Jews all over the place in that one.

[nl5xsk1 0]

Two Jews are walking down the street, and see a church with a sign that says "Convert to Catholicism ... Receive $10.00".

 

One turns to his friend, says 'I'm going for it. Wait for me.' and goes into the church. He comes out about 20 minutes later.

 

His friend says to him, "What happened? Did you get your ten dollars?"

 

And the first guy says, "Jesus, money is really all that you people care about".

 

/thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week

//half-Jewish, so am half-allowed to make jokes.

[Guest Frank_Nabbit]

News / Features

 

 

 

 

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

 

A Wave of Jews Returning to Russia

 

By Anatoly Medetsky

Staff Writer

 

 

As the Iron Curtain began to fall, Igor Dzhadan left the Soviet Union with his family, bound for Israel and a longforbidden opportunity.

 

Dzhadan was luckier than most of the 11,000 Soviet doctors who rushed to Israel around the same time, 1990, under Israel's Law of Return. He was able to continue practice and research. Still, he returned to Russia in 2001 to become an editor at Moscow's Jewish News Agency.

 

"It was interesting for me to live in a Jewish state, but I feel more comfortable in Russia," Dzhadan said. "I knew from the experience of others that I could find work here and my life prospects wouldn't be worse than in Israel."

 

Dzhadan is part of a tide of emigrants who have returned to Russia from Israel over a litany of concerns: the second intifada, Israel's worsening economy, an inability to adapt to cultural and social realities. According to a study released this March, at least 50,000 emigrants returned from Israel from 2001 to 2003.

 

The exodus has stirred up a discussion in Israel, said Boruch Gorin, head of the public relations department at the Russian Federation of Jewish Communities, which commissioned the study. On the one hand, millions of Jews already live outside Israel. On the other hand, "living in Israel is an ideology, and tthat the people who sought a shelter in the country have been leaving is a blow to the ideology," he said.

 

Israel had two waves of Russian immigration that altogether boosted its population from 5 million to 6 million, according to Gorin. In the first wave, 200,000 Jews left the Soviet Union in the 1970s. The second wave, which coincided with perestroika in 1986, brought 800,000 more Soviet Jews.

 

Under the Law of Return, anyone having at least one Jewish grandparent may seek citizenship.

 

Recently, however, Israel has seen its population growth subside, with citizens leaving not only for Russia, but also Europe and the United States. Only 20,000 to 30,000 immigrants entered Israel from 2001 to 2003, which was for the first time less than the outflow, Gorin said, citing the study.

 

According to the Israeli Embassy in Moscow, up to 100,000 Jews left Russia annually in the 1990s; last year the number was down to 10,000.

 

At first, emigrants, mostly businessmen, began venturing back to Russia in 1995 in small numbers, Gorin said. Russia beckoned them then with greater economic potential and relative political and economic stability, Gorin said.

 

One such businessman was Anton Nossik, who came back in 1997 because, he said, his ambitions had outgrown the Israeli market. He left Russia in 1990 after graduating from college as a surgeon. He could not land a job in medicine and began working as a journalist.

 

His big success came in 1996, when he started a web design company and won orders to create web sites for the Museum and the Central Bank of Israel and the Eastern European department of the Foreign Ministry.

 

"In principle, everything was great and successful," Nossik said. "I won as many tenders as were available. But confining your business to a small and remote country is like hobbling a horse."

 

Nossik, 38, has created many high-profile Internet news sites in Russia, where, he said, the number of Internet users is 14.6 million, compared to just 2.2 million in Israel. His most successful news portals are Lenta.ru, Gazeta.ru and Newsru.com.

 

The second tide of returns began in 2000, as the Russian economy developed sufficiently for returnees to find jobs with greater ease, sometimes within companies created by Jewish businessmen who returned in the late '90s.

 

At the same time, the start of the second intifada, in 2000, damaged security in Israel and, along with it, the investment and employment climate.

 

Although Dzhadan, 40, did not lose his job, he had to face military service. He was twice called to serve in heavy fighting areas, in Bethlehem and Hebron.

 

"I had to wait during operations to see whether there would be any wounded that I would have to treat," he said. "I saw dead bodies."

 

The 23-day conscriptions caused Dzhadan to lose his salary at work, and state compensation was hard to receive, he said, due to a tangled bureaucracy.

 

Another reason for returning was what Dzhadan called the "sectarian" structure of the society. In order to rent an apartment or find a job, a person has to operate through members of his party or immigrants from the same country or area.

 

"I didn't like it," he said. "I'm used to operating in an open society where people don't ask you to what community you belong."

 

Gorin named several other reasons that prompt Soviet and Russian Jews to come back. One of them is that most highly educated immigrants have to take blue-collar jobs in Israel. "Doctors, physicians and mathematicians were cleaning the streets," Gorin said.

 

Also, immigrants from Russia largely lacked a Jewish identity, while at the same time they longed for the Russian culture they left behind. They fled the Soviet Union because of its state policy of discrimination against Jews and felt they could then return once that policy had seen its end.

 

The Jews that have come back find many signs that they can feel more at home in Russia than before, one of them being the appointment of Mikhail Fradkov, whose father is Jewish, to the post of prime minister.

 

According to Gorin, the Jewish Community Center in Moscow, with a wide range of sports facilities, an Internet cafe and a library, is one of the best in Europe. Moscow is also home to four Jewish universities, 10 schools, three newspapers and one online news agency, Gorin said.

 

Anti-Semitism remains a problem, certainly, but it "isn't the main form of xenophobia in the country" and looks less frightening than elsewhere in Europe, according to a 2003 Moscow Human Rights Bureau report. "Russia has been spared the surge in anti-Semitism that has disturbed the whole Western world in the past three years," the report said.

 

Nossik said he feels fairly safe as a Jew, and is more scared by random street crime. He said he walks around in traditional Jewish headwear, a kippah, but the only time he was attacked in the street was when Russia lost to Japan during the 2002 soccer World Cup. He happened to be in the way of an infuriated drunken crowd of fans.

 

"I don't see anti-Semitism," he said. "I don't see a position that a Jew can't occupy, especially after Fradkov's latest appointment." Russia's capitalist economy "allows you to exist regardless of your religious beliefs."

 

Most Jews -- including Nossik and Dzhadan -- that come back to live and work in Russia retain Israeli citizenship and travel to Israel on a steady basis, Gorin said. Dzhadan said he plans to visit friends in Israel, but would never return there for good because he belongs to Russian "civilization."

 

Nossik did not rule out living in Israel in the future. "When I drop out of business for age or health reasons, I could go to Israel to enjoy the cuisine and the nature," Nossik said. "It's a very beautiful and pleasant country."

[Styles 0]

Two Jews are walking down the street, and see a church with a sign that says "Convert to Catholicism ... Receive $10.00".

 

One turns to his friend, says 'I'm going for it. Wait for me.' and goes into the church. He comes out about 20 minutes later.

 

His friend says to him, "What happened? Did you get your ten dollars?"

 

And the first guy says, "Jesus, money is really all that you people care about".

 

/thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week

//half-Jewish, so am half-allowed to make jokes.

I always liked this one:

 

A priest and a rabbi were travelling on a plane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs". The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb and tasted pork." The priest nodded in understanding and went back to his reading. After a while the rabbi asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your faith that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly for an moment and then said, "A lot better than pork isn't it?"

[Guest evenflowDDT]

A politician, a priest, and a Rabbi are on a plane about to crash. The pilot has bailed, and there's only two parachutes. The politician, in a panic, shoves the two men to the ground, grabs a parachute, and jumps. With only one parachute and the plane rapidly losing altitude, the priest tells the Rabbi: "You go, I've lived a long life, and God will recognize my sacrifices unto the very end."

 

The Rabbi replies: "I'm grateful Father, but there's nothing to worry about. That schmuck took my tallis bag."

[Styles 0]

A politician, a priest, and a Rabbi are on a plane about to crash. The pilot has bailed, and there's only two parachutes. The politician, in a panic, shoves the two men to the ground, grabs a parachute, and jumps. With only one parachute and the plane rapidly losing altitude, the priest tells the Rabbi: "You go, I've lived a long life, and God will recognize my sacrifices unto the very end."

 

The Rabbi replies: "I'm grateful Father, but there's nothing to worry about. That schmuck took my tallis bag."

 

... A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied,

"I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."