Promo: Uncle Filthy Show!

[Guest EraserDog]

UNCLE FILTHY SHOW!

 

(The camera cuts in to an extreme close-up of Uncle Filthy’s sun-scarred face as a single, instrumental chorus of "Let's Make the Water Turn Black" plays.)

 

“Whaddaya say, kids?!”

 

(There is an audible click, then generic and staticky pre-recorded children’s voices respond...)

 

“UNCLE!”

 

(The camera zooms back to reveal Uncle Filthy sitting in the disused rear parking lot of a lumber yard, on top of a stack of old boards. Cap’n Plundah is busting ill pirate poses with his rubber-edged sword in one hand and a stick in the other, while Gorilla Pete stands next to Uncle Filthy. He still has his rainbow-striped guitar strap, but the clasp is covered with several layers of duct tape, and his keyboard has been replaced by an even older plastic toy guitar. Gorilla Pete slaps at the guitar with his palm as Uncle Filthy leans toward the camera and begins singing, sounding vaguely like Tom Waits over five hundred miles of bad telephone connection. But coughing a lot more.)

 

“Welllll...

Some kids are tall and some kids are short,

Some kids climb trees and some kids build forts,

You might like to read or to swim in the lake,

And if you are cool you’ll sneak off to get baked.

There’s room in the world for all of these different sorts...

But no-one will ever love you if you’re bad at sports.

If you’re not good at sports then you might as well go home,

Hide in your room and prepare to die alone,

If you try then you might find the perfect sport for you,

But if there isn’t one then you’re pretty much screwed.”

 

(Gorilla Pete flails randomly at the guitar.)

 

(Uncle Filthy is now entirely visible on-screen, but still uncomfortably close to the camera. Uncle Filthy is already living the (relative) high life after his debut win – his boots are lined with thick and watertight liquor store bags, and there’s a new red handkerchief tied to the Magic Bindle (which is leaned on the boards beside him.) He’s still dressed in his ring attire, though, likely because it’s the only clothing he owns. His brown reindeer-motif sweater is buttoned up to the neck, and there’s a new rip in the right leg of his sweatpants. Uncle Filthy clears his throat, which has no effect on his voice at all.)

 

“That’s right, kids. If you’re not good at sports, you’re not special. Also, chess is not a sport. If Mommy or Daddy tells you otherwise, it’s only to make you stop crying, and they secretly resent you. Now, Uncle Filthy is someone who is good at sports, and last night we all found out just what sport I’m the best at...wrestling!”

 

(Gorilla Pete jumps up and down in celebration.)

 

Gorilla Pete: “Ook! Ook Ook!”

 

"As for Uncle Filthy’s opponent, Stryke...well, let’s just hope he’s good at ribbon gymnastics or something, because he is not very good at wrestling, and if this is what he was counting on to make a living, he’s probably going to starve to death in a ditch."

 

(Uncle Filthy shifts his position on the lumber pile.)

 

"I know some of you didn’t see Uncle Filthy wrestle last night, because you can’t stay up late enough to watch Lockdown. So gather ‘round the Storytime Lumber Pile and I’ll tell you all about what happened."

 

(Uncle Filthy’s expression suddenly changes from disquieting to downright menacing, as he practically growls (but still manages to sound condescending))...

 

“And Evan Wolfe, I want you to pay extra-special close attention to this, because you have to wrestle Uncle Filthy next week. You’re already going to be tired and cranky, being up so late and getting hit over the head with things, you don’t want to be uninformed, too. Listen up good, and you’ll be ready for the real lesson at Smarkdown!”

 

(Uncle Filthy’s expression normalizes (relatively speaking), and he leans back slightly from the camera.)

 

“Stryke thought that he was a better wrestler than me, and tried to use all kinds of fancy and complicated moves to make Uncle Filthy look bad. But he spent all his time running in circles...and where’s the only place running in circles ever gets you?”

 

(Uncle Filthy is the only one who hears the audience’s response.)

 

“That’s right...nowhere. Remember the story of The Three-Legged Pony That Died? Just like that pony couldn’t run away from the brushfire, Stryke couldn’t run away from Uncle Filthy. Even when he tried to cheat and busted Uncle Filthy’s head open like a watermelon, I got right back up and just kept on beating him until he couldn’t take no more! Only one thing went wrong in that whole match...when Cap’n Plundah, who’s supposed to know so much about the alphabet, didn’t bring any alliterative weapons! I think that means we could all stand to learn some more about letters, and Cap’n, you get to be the volunteer!”

 

(If the audience existed, there’d be cheers and “ooooh”s from it right around here.”

 

(Cap’n Plundah throws down his stick and wields his sword menacingly, lashing out in pirate brogue.)

 

“Y’arrr, now this here be weak shit!...err...(Cap’n Plundah glances sidelong at the camera)...I mean...weak ship...repair! Ye never told me the accursed letter of the day!”

 

Uncle Filthy is unmoved. Gorilla Pete, who looked like he was expecting this to lead to a beating for him, looks relieved.)

 

“Gorilla Pete, since you at least tried to make yourself useful, you can go get the Fun-ucational Flash Cards. The thick ones!”

 

Gorilla Pete ducks off-camera and returns with a stack of plywood sheets, each about a one and a half square feet. There is a capital P spray-painted in black on the top one. Uncle Filthy rushes Cap’n Plundah, slapping the sword out of his hands and twisting him around into a full nelson. Uncle Filthy looks over at the camera with a disturbing grin on his face...

 

“It just so happens that the word of the week is “pirate”. And I have a poem that will help you remember how to spell it. Gorilla Pete, it’s Spelling Time!”

 

Pete walks over to Uncle Filthy and sets the tiles down on the ground. He picks up the top one, and turns it to face the letter P to the camera.

 

Cap’n Plundah is still trying to break out of the full nelson.

 

“N’arrrr! I’ll send ye to Davy Jones fer this, Filthy!”

 

Uncle Filthy ignores him and starts into the poem.

 

“P is for Pirate, who’s Pissing me off”

 

*WHAP!*

Gorilla Pete waffles Cap’n Plundah across the chest with the plywood sheet, then drops it to grab the next one, turning the letter I up to the camera.

 

“I is for Irate, because I’m pissed off”

 

*FWAP!*

Gorilla Pete smashes the plywood over Cap’n Plundah’s head, flattening his pirate hat.

Gorilla Pete slaps it off his head.

 

"Arrrr, me street cred!"

 

“R’s for Remember, what you didn’t do”

 

*CRACK!*

Gorilla Pete, getting more enthusiastic with every swing, breaks the letter R over Cap’n Plundah’s head.

Cap’n Plundah is struggling a lot less now.

 

“A is for Ass, the Ass that is you”

 

*CRACK!*

Gorilla Pete breaks another sheet of plywood over Cap’n Plundah’s head. Cap’n Plundah’s forehead is busted open, and he looks like he’s out cold.

 

“T is for Try not to screw up next Time”

 

*CRACK!*

Gorilla Pete breaks the letter T over Cap’n Plundah’s head for good measure, opening the cut up even further.

 

“'cause E’s for ER, where they'll rebuild your spine."

 

*WHMP!*

Gorilla Pete turns the last board sideways and drives it into Cap’n Plundah’s midsection. He jumps up and down, thumping his chest with his fists, as Uncle Filthy releases the full nelson and lets Cap’n Plundah collapse to the ground.

 

(Uncle Filthy glares at Gorilla Pete.)

 

“You enjoyed that too much, Gorilla Pete. That isn’t right. Now we’re going to have to learn how to spell ‘schadenfreude’ next week.”

 

(Gorilla Pete sighs a resigned “Ooooook.”)

 

(Uncle Filthy rolls up his sweater sleeve and looks at an old and obviously broken neon orange digital watch.)

 

“Well, it looks like we’re just about out of time. I hope you all learned something this week...especially you, Evan. Now, who wants to sing the Uncle Filthy Goodbye Song?”

 

(He pauses and looks out over his imaginary audience one last time while Gorilla Pete begins playing a simple, four-note tune on his toy guitar. The camera zooms in as Uncle Filthy sings...)

 

“I have to go for now, but I’ll always be around,

To teach you lots of useful things and help when you feel down,

But if you ever make me mad or make me wear a frown,

I’ll beat and beat and beat you, until you up and die.”

 

(The camera abruptly cuts out.)

[Toxxic 0]

This is fucking GOLD.

[King Cucaracha 0]

That is...awesome.

[Guest Evan Douglas Wolfe]

::

 

 

...

 

 

...

 

 

::

[the.weej 0]

Handpuppets. All that was missing from this was handpuppets.

 

God, this shit just smokes Blue's Clues, doesn't it?

 

-Z

[Toxxic 0]

I want Uncle Filthy to wear handpuppets on his fists to beat Evan Wolfe's head in. UNCLE, MAKE IT HAPPEN!

[TheBostonStrangler 0]

If you only read one promo this month (which, knowing me, is quite likely to happen), make it this promo. Uncle Filthy is hilarious.

[Chuck Woolery 0]

I want to hear the story of the three-legged pony that died.

[Toxxic 0]

“N’arrrr! I’ll send ye to Davy Jones fer this, Filthy!”

 

For some reason, that line just makes this promo for me.

 

...I want MORE Uncle Filthy!

[Guest Blind Ryan]

Holy christ.

 

The bar has been raised.... It'll be awhile before I can touch that,

 

Fucking platinum man. Only God's "Cane Dewey" promo was better.

[Toxxic 0]

Bumped for your enjoyment, because it's so damn good. This is how we do a comedy gimmick people, even if the writer in question (whichever ringer it was) lasted half-a-dozen matches and then sank without trace.

[Cuban Linx 0]

Never saw this before, despite being mentioned in it numerous times. Shows how much attention i pay to things around here.

[Sly 0]

I thought Skull was a decent to good commedy gimmick...

 

... maybe I'll have to switch characters again.

[Bruce Blank 0]

Skull was a good comedy gimmick, especially the early works you did cracked me up.

 

I miss the Crimson Skull, he had a more distinct character than most e-fed characters.