Lockdown Comment thread

[Toxxic 0]

And another chapter of Toxic encouraging the n00bs. Since Carnage won, he gets the nod tonight.

 

Right. The first thing I’d like to pick up on is continuity. First you say Wolfe has a chain, then later on it’s a chair. That may be a spelling error, but still, thought I’d point it out.

 

Next is a style point. Dialogue is much easier to read if it has a one-line space between it and either the descriptive text, or the next speaker.

 

Now we move onto some move continuity. The description of your moves is fine, but the reaction to them needs a bit of work. For example, Carnage clotheslines Dagda, then knife-edge chops him. Thing is, a clothesline is a move designed to floor someone, but Dagda has to be upright for the chops. So the description should either tell the reader that Carnage DOES floor Dagda, then picks him up and chops him, OR it should say that the blow staggers but does not knock Dagda down, which puts over how tough Dagda is. I would also question why Carnage would bother with either of those moves when he is still at that time in possession of a barbed-wire baseball bat.

 

Another sequence I’m unsure about is when Wolfe backs Carnage into the corner with crowbar shots. He hits a missile dropkick to the knee (missile generally means off the top rope, I think), then Carnage falls to the mat. If he’s backed into the corner then he has to fall forward onto his face and will be more or less straight out from the corner. That is NOT a position to receive a moonsault, but Wolfe does one anyway. If Carnage is going to end up in position for it I think you need to describe how he gets there better. Try and visualise what’s going on in your head rather than just writing, it really helps in working out cool spots and who’s meant to be where and doing what.

 

Third thing - Carnage pulls Uncle Filthy off Wolfe, then whips him to the ropes... but then grabs the rising Wolfe in a front facelock. What happened to Filthy? Did he not bounce off the ropes? Or was he actually sent to the turnbuckles?

 

 

“Merciful Zeus!” exclaims Cyclone Comet. “That was impressive!”

“That was Mr. Evan Douglas Wolfe” Robert Riley gushes.

 

 

I like that bit particularly. Riley’s cheering the cocky young heel (as he should be) and there’s a bit of personality there. I also like the ‘Filthy One’ tag for Uncle Filthy. I only got the nickname ‘Straight-Edge Sensation’ because Tom Flesher used it when he beat me in a tag match shortly after my heel turn, and it’s become a vital part of my character.

 

Last thing - you’ve got the commentator’s characters pretty much right, but I don’t think Comet would ‘spew’ a description, and I personally hate the word ‘snips’ to describe speaking. But that’s just a personal thing.

 

So there you go. Overall you built a pretty convincing Fatal Four-way in a fairly low word limit. Nice one, it’s not easy.

[Toxxic 0]

OK, so I forgot that there's already one of these. Well, call this the Lockdown Match Advice thread then.

 

*sulks*

[Guest carnage]

Thanks for the tips. Looking at it now I can see it definately needed a bit of polish. Hopefully I get apply them to my next match.

[Guest Horse hockey!]

Thanks bunches, Toxx.

[Angel_Grace_Blue 0]

See kids? You can be a bit slow on the uptake and still make it to World Champ.

[HollywoodSpikeJenkins 0]

So is there hope for me?

[Guest Horse hockey!]

No, dear.

[Sly 0]

No, dear.

[Toxxic 0]

Thanks bunches, Toxx. 

Hey Jackie - did I mention that if you lose, Carnage takes your spot in Rev-0? I didn't. Oh well... now you know

 

Please also note that if Spike loses, his place will be taken by a blueberry muffin.

 

Edit to add: Besides, Carnage actually PM'd me and asked for comments on his match. And you know, one shouldn't put the wants of one's own stable ahead of the chance to give encouragement to new writers.

 

Or some equally noble bullshit.

Edited October 17, 2004 by MikeofEvil