Such Pleasantness From the Brits

[Guest MikeSC]

Dumb show

 

Charlie Brooker

Saturday October 23, 2004

The Guardian

 

Heady times. The US election draws ever nearer, and while the rest of the world bangs its head against the floorboards screaming "Please God, not Bush!", the candidates clash head to head in a series of live televised debates. It's a bit like American Idol, but with terrifying global ramifications. You've got to laugh.

Or have you? Have you seen the debates? I urge you to do so. The exemplary BBC News website (www.bbc.co.uk/news) hosts unexpurgated streaming footage of all the recent debates, plus clips from previous encounters, through Reagan and Carter, all the way back to Nixon versus JFK.

 

Watching Bush v Kerry, two things immediately strike you. First, the opening explanation of the rules makes the whole thing feel like a Radio 4 parlour game. And second, George W Bush is... well, he's... Jesus, where do you start?

 

The internet's a-buzz with speculation that Bush has been wearing a wire, receiving help from some off-stage lackey. Screen grabs appearing to show a mysterious bulge in the centre of his back are being traded like Top Trumps. Prior to seeing the debate footage, I regarded this with healthy scepticism: the whole "wire" scandal was just wishful thinking on behalf of some amateur Michael Moores, I figured. And then I watched the footage.

 

Quite frankly, the man's either wired or mad. If it's the former, he should be flung out of office: tarred, feathered and kicked in the nuts. And if it's the latter, his behaviour goes beyond strange, and heads toward terrifying. He looks like he's listening to something we can't hear. He blinks, he mumbles, he lets a sentence trail off, starts a new one, then reverts back to whatever he was saying in the first place. Each time he recalls a statistic (either from memory or the voice in his head), he flashes us a dumb little smile, like a toddler proudly showing off its first bowel movement. Forgive me for employing the language of the playground, but the man's a tool.

 

So I sit there and I watch this and I start scratching my head, because I'm trying to work out why Bush is afforded any kind of credence or respect whatsoever in his native country. His performance is so transparently bizarre, so feeble and stumbling, it's a miracle he wasn't laughed off the stage. And then I start hunting around the internet, looking to see what the US media made of the whole "wire" debate. And they just let it die. They mentioned it in passing, called it a wacko conspiracy theory and moved on.

 

Yet whether it turns out to be true or not, right now it's certainly plausible - even if you discount the bulge photos and simply watch the president's ridiculous smirking face. Perhaps he isn't wired. Perhaps he's just gone gaga. If you don't ask the questions, you'll never know the truth.

 

The silence is all the more troubling since in the past the US news media has had no problem at all covering other wacko conspiracy theories, ones with far less evidence to support them. (For infuriating confirmation of this, watch the second part of the must-see documentary series The Power Of Nightmares (Wed, 9pm, BBC2) and witness the absurd hounding of Bill Clinton over the Whitewater and Vince Foster non-scandals.)

 

Throughout the debate, John Kerry, for his part, looks and sounds a bit like a haunted tree. But at least he's not a lying, sniggering, drink-driving, selfish, reckless, ignorant, dangerous, backward, drooling, twitching, blinking, mouse-faced little cheat. And besides, in a fight between a tree and a bush, I know who I'd favour.

 

On November 2, the entire civilised world will be praying, praying Bush loses. And Sod's law dictates he'll probably win, thereby disproving the existence of God once and for all. The world will endure four more years of idiocy, arrogance and unwarranted bloodshed, with no benevolent deity to watch over and save us. John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, John Hinckley Jr - where are you now that we need you?

http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguide/columni...1333748,00.html

Ah, so the Guardian decided to ramp up the idiocy and actually are calling for somebody to assassinate Bush?

 

I'd love to punch both of the staff's teeth out.

-=Mike

[Murmuring Beast 0]

Cannot agree with the assasination comment but agree with pretty much everything else.

[Guest MikeSC]

Cannot agree with the assasination comment but agree with pretty much everything else.

Fortunately, you're too much of a blithering moron to be taken seriously.

-=Mike

[Murmuring Beast 0]

Cannot agree with the assasination comment but agree with pretty much everything else.

Fortunately, you're too much of a blithering moron to be taken seriously.

-=Mike

Sorry, do you run this folder or something?

 

Seriously Mike, grow the hell up. If you want to flame me, do it in the Hardcore forum.

[Guest MikeSC]

Cannot agree with the assasination comment but agree with pretty much everything else.

Fortunately, you're too much of a blithering moron to be taken seriously.

-=Mike

Sorry, do you run this folder or something?

 

Seriously Mike, grow the hell up. If you want to flame me, do it in the Hardcore forum.

Why? To get a collection of your idiot friends to join up? Thanks, but no thanks. If you're cool with being an idiot, then that is grand.

-=Mike

[Guest GreatOne]

Maybe INXS' dad wrote this..............that'd explain a lot.

[Murmuring Beast 0]

Cannot agree with the assasination comment but agree with pretty much everything else.

Fortunately, you're too much of a blithering moron to be taken seriously.

-=Mike

Sorry, do you run this folder or something?

 

Seriously Mike, grow the hell up. If you want to flame me, do it in the Hardcore forum.

Why? To get a collection of your idiot friends to join up? Thanks, but no thanks. If you're cool with being an idiot, then that is grand.

-=Mike

Mike, what does me being an idiot have to do with this thread? Or does it make you feel better to bait people on almost hourly basis in this forum. Last time, I checked, that was against the rules!!!

 

Wait, you'll find something wrong with that, somehow.

 

Yea, I'm a moron!!

 

Original.

[Guest MikeSC]

Mike, what does me being an idiot have to do with this thread?

It is just so painfully apparent. It'd be like having an elephant in the room and trying to pretend it's not there.

Or does it make you feel better to bait people on almost hourly basis in this forum. Last time, I checked, that was against the rules!!!

Who baited people? Certainly not the guy telling me to come to the HD folder...

Wait, you'll find something wrong with that, somehow.

You're the guy bringing it up.

Yea, I'm a moron!!

 

Original

I didn't claim that it was an original sentiment.

 

Just an accurate one.

-=Mike

[Murmuring Beast 0]

You are baiting people by calling them morons with no real justification, other than the fact that they happen to disagree with you, and all the other Bush folk on this board.

 

You have a wonderful knack for avoiding questions by bombarding people with stupifying 'logic'.

[Guest MikeSC]

You are baiting people by calling them morons with no real justification,

Nah. I only refer to them as such when there is more than sufficient justification.

other than the fact that they happen to disagree with you, and all the other Bush folk on this board.

Nah. I was hoping you'd disagree with Bush. I'd hate to think we have anything in common.

You have a wonderful knack for avoiding questions by bombarding people with stupifying 'logic'.

I could use monosyllabic words with you, if that'd make it easier to keep up?

 

That good with you? Can you keep up like that? I make tough point, but I make it so short you can keep up.

-=Mike

[Jobber of the Week 0]

The suggestion of assassination was too far for a newspaper, more the kind of thing that should be joked about in private instead of publically in homes and computers worldwide.

 

Everything else is pretty much dead on. The rest of the world is hoping Bush's 2000 election is a fluke and that we're really not going to support a man who doesn't care if the entire rest of the planet Earth is riding along in the backseat as long as he's in control and has unquestionable and unstoppable power in persuing his agenda.

[Murmuring Beast 0]

Yea, whatever Mike. I suggest you find yourself an empty room and lock yourself in so you can argue with the door for a couple of hours.

 

*awaits response that a door would be more intelligent than me*

 

Go on Mike, surprise me.

[Guest GreatOne]

You know somehow INXS and C-Bacon have seeped into this thread without actually POSTING.................

[Guest MikeSC]

The suggestion of assassination was too far for a newspaper, more the kind of thing that should be joked about in private instead of publically in homes and computers worldwide.

 

Everything else is pretty much dead on. The rest of the world is hoping Bush's 2000 election is a fluke and that we're really not going to support a man who doesn't care if the entire rest of the planet Earth is riding along in the backseat as long as he's in control and has unquestionable and unstoppable power in persuing his agenda.

Wow, that was some shaky analysis.

Yea, whatever Mike. I suggest you find yourself an empty room and lock yourself in so you can argue with the door for a couple of hours.

I thought I was.

*awaits response that a door would be more intelligent than me*

 

Go on Mike, surprise me.

Nah. My door isn't smarter than you.

 

But my door is REAL stupid.

-=Mike

[Vyce 0]

You know somehow INXS and C-Bacon have seeped into this thread without actually POSTING.................

Have you seen "The Grudge"? It's like that. The INXS / C-Bacon virus of idiocy spreads to all who have entered this folder.

 

There is no escape from it.

 

It will possess your soul.

[Murmuring Beast 0]

The suggestion of assassination was too far for a newspaper, more the kind of thing that should be joked about in private instead of publically in homes and computers worldwide.

 

Everything else is pretty much dead on. The rest of the world is hoping Bush's 2000 election is a fluke and that we're really not going to support a man who doesn't care if the entire rest of the planet Earth is riding along in the backseat as long as he's in control and has unquestionable and unstoppable power in persuing his agenda.

Wow, that was some shaky analysis.

Yea, whatever Mike. I suggest you find yourself an empty room and lock yourself in so you can argue with the door for a couple of hours.

I thought I was.

*awaits response that a door would be more intelligent than me*

 

Go on Mike, surprise me.

Nah. My door isn't smarter than you.

 

But my door is REAL stupid.

-=Mike

 

YOU WIN MIKE - YOU WIN MIKE!

 

MIKE FOR PREZ!!

[Guest MikeSC]

Well, as long as one of us can win at something.

-=Mike

[Jobber of the Week 0]

Wow, that was some shaky analysis.

Mike, if an anti-American ran for leader of Russia, wouldn't you be praying that he wouldn't win?

 

It's a matter of interest, and in this world you can't blame people for having them or looking out for them.

[Guest GreatOne]

Should he CARE who wins in Russia?

[Guest MikeSC]

Wow, that was some shaky analysis.

Mike, if an anti-American ran for leader of Russia, wouldn't you be praying that he wouldn't win?

 

It's a matter of interest, and in this world you can't blame people for having them or looking out for them.

I wouldn't be praying he gets assassinated.

 

Did I wish assassination or even harm on Chavez of Venezuela, who is more than mildly anti-American?

 

The int'l left has gone from deranged lunacy to justification of violence.

-=Mike

[Guest GreatOne]

This brings to mind the one time I made the mistake of getting in an AOL chat with some idiot lefty after the war started:

 

'So you think that the protesters have a right to cause civil disruption cause their bitchtits are all in a bunch over Bush'

 

'Yep. I don't care if people are late for work or if we take the cops away from their 'real jobs', the message must be heard. Bush out!'

 

Brilliant thought provoking conversation from March 2003....................

[Jobber of the Week 0]

Eh, monitoring a protest and neutralizing any aggressive violence is actually part of a cop's "real job," IMO. Just as much as ticketing speeders or chasing robbers through the LA freeway system.

[Guest GreatOne]

I don't think that perpetrators of 'aggressive violence' are likely to give a fuck about the election honestly.

 

This just gives the cops more of them to deal with and babysit...................

[Jobber of the Week 0]

This job would be great, if it wasn't for all the customers...

 

Any officer that complains about having to "babysit" a protest because someone might use the oppertunity to get violent is, in my view, in the same boat as a whiny McDonalds lacky who bitches about how he could be snacking on cheeseburgers and playing with the Happy Meal toys if only this lunch crowd didn't keep coming in.

[Guest GreatOne]

Nice to know you're advocating violence at protests here.

 

So when police aren't babysitting protestors, their work is the equivalent of snacking on cheeseburgers and playing with Happy Meal toys. Good to know....................

[Hogan Made Wrestling 0]

Nice to know you're advocating violence at protests here.

 

So when police aren't babysitting protestors, their work is the equivalent of snacking on cheeseburgers and playing with Happy Meal toys. Good to know....................

Someone needs to brush up on the concept of a metaphor.

 

And when the cops have time to arrest people for having unpaid parking tickets and take them down to the station for processing, they have no business bitching about having to watch protests for violence.

[Guest BDC]

Wonder if the Secret Service has started its investigation yet...

[Guest GreatOne]

Nice to know you're advocating violence at protests here.

 

So when police aren't babysitting protestors, their work is the equivalent of snacking on cheeseburgers and playing with Happy Meal toys. Good to know....................

Someone needs to brush up on the concept of a metaphor.

 

And when the cops have time to arrest people for having unpaid parking tickets and take them down to the station for processing, they have no business bitching about having to watch protests for violence.

So that's two.

[AndrewTS 0]

This is kind of why I had doubts about the legitimacy of the Guardian when that Iraq payoff story came up.

 

Granted, at least the Brits actually have a reason to piss and moan since they do have troops over in Iraq.

[Jobber of the Week 0]

So that's two.

I don't support violence at protests. To say I do is every bit a logic gap as saying that I support bank robberies because I expect police to respond to those, too.

 

The job of the police is to protect. And since a large protest is often the perfect cover for someone who wants to ignite violence, the police need to be there to protect. Whether they are protecting city grounds, local businesses, nearby homeowners, or even the protest crowd itself should someone show up with a gun and use it in an unwise manner.