Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 This is the situation: there's a beautiful princess trapped in a castle watched by a dragon. Here's the end of the story with different styles of metalheads as knights. POWER METAL: The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest. TRASH METAL: The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princes and fucks her. HEAVY METAL: The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess. FOLK METAL: The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls sleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave....without the princess. VIKING METAL: The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving. DEATH METAL: The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves. BLACK METAL: The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomises the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon. GORE METAL: The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time. DOOM METAL: The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story. PROGRESIVE METAL: The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the "HEAVY METAL" protagonist. GLAM METAL: The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color. NU METAL: The protagonist arrives in a run-down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Brocklock 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 But, what about Sludge Metal? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Only The Strong Survive 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 Don't forget alternative-metal and punk-metal and hardcore and metalcore and rap-metal... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 The Sludge Metal Protagonist is still 2 days travel away from the castle, because he stops in every village trying to score 8 balls. Don't forget alternative-metal and punk-metal and hardcore and metalcore and rap-metal... 1. Doesn't exist 2. punk metal is hardcore 3. The Hardcore Protagonist protests outside the castle about The Dragon using too many fossil fuels to heat the place 4. Same as Nu Metal. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Red Baron 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 and Mathcore, Industrial-metal, swamp-metal, etc... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Slayer 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 Malmsteen will fight the dragon! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Red Baron 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 I hope the dragon wins that one. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Red Baron 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 I'm sure Dio would have no trouble at all against the dragon. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Slayer 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 Dio made a whole CD about killing the dragon Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Red Baron 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 Dio made a whole CD about killing the dragon CD or his entire collection? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Red Baron 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 Dio made a whole CD about killing the dragon CD or his entire collection? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 Malmsteen will fight the dragon! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Brocklock 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 How bout' Grindcore The Dragon has no chance against ~MANOWAR~ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Slayer 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 Rhapsody joins in the battle! The dragon is no match for Fabio Lione's charm "The dragon is no match for my charm! Not to mention my good looks." And the two fly away to spread power meal goodness over the world Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Failed Mascot Report post Posted December 16, 2004 Danzig would act tough infront of the Dragon and then get punched in the jaw. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 How bout' Grindcore The protagonist smokes a bowl with the dragon, and then causes him to flee in terror by playing 26 guitar scales in a 51 second song. He tries to impress the princess by showing off his minute long inhaled screams, but she just walks off with his grass. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Red Baron 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 what about Ozzy vs The Dragon Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
razazteca 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 The protagonist of hair metal would use cans of Aqua Net to make the castle explode then rescue the princess with a power ballad. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Red Baron 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 Dio has rocked for a long long time. Now It's time for him to pass the torch He has songs of wilderbeasts and dangers He has soared on the wings of a demon. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Brocklock 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 Dio has rocked for a long long time. Now It's time for him to pass the torch He has songs of wilderbeasts and dangers He has soared on the wings of a demon. The Power Of Dio is way too much for The Dragon to handle, but wait It's King Diamond here to fight Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
River City Rocker 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 How bout' Grindcore Seth Putnam shows up screeching about how the dragon is gay. Then he drinks forty beers, goes upstairs, and beats the shit out of the princess. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Agent of Oblivion Report post Posted December 16, 2004 You lamers haven't used Dragonlord yet. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Slayer 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 Given that there are about 30 different bands named Dragon(something), I figured that was too easy Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Black Lushus 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 I had to explain to coworkers why I was laughing looking at my computer screen since internet usage isn't exactly smiled upon here...please do not post anymore Manowar album covers! I tried to play my laugh off as a cough but they weren't buyin it! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Black Lushus 0 Report post Posted December 16, 2004 Slayer you bastard! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Corey_Lazarus 0 Report post Posted December 17, 2004 BLOW YOUR SPEAKERS!!!!!! Also...is Metalcore's fighting of the dragon the same as Nu-Metal's, or Rap-Metal's fighting of the dragon the same as Nu-Metal's? Because the Metalcore protagonist would show up in a 1978 Volvo station wagon blasting a mix they made of God Forbid, Killswitch Engage, Pro-Pain, Bleeding Through, and Shadows Fall, and then whip the dragon with his dreadlocks until the dragon finally bites his fucking head off. Then the princess laughs, and snorts a speedball with the Glam Metal protagonist. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
