Promo- "Oh Come On!"

[The Ill One 0]

(Danny Dagda stands over a mirror with his face inches away, picking tediously in between his teeth. He looks refreshed and revived from the crazy last night as his collared button-down is torn and unbuttoned while his cotton white t-shirt is lazily on. He then rubs his chin for facial hair then shrugs the thought of shaving off. He hunches over the sink and turns on the water fountain, splashing the cold water into his eyes. With a grunt he wipes it off, fully awake now.

 

He stands up straight and cracks his knuckles while giving a sigh. “Lil’ Dag, where are you man?”

 

“Cut it out,” a weak, feeble cry comes out. Matthew Kivell is right below Dag off to the side, hung over the toilet miserably. He coughs a few times but clearing his throat. “I’m not your anything and you know it.”

 

“Well, yeah, I know you’re not anything to me, but I’m your idol,” Dagda insists.

 

Between a dry heave and then a wicked cough with climax to puke chunks he replies, “You’re…” he begins to find himself hurling again.

 

Dagda looks down as he begins to button up his shirt and gives a face of disgust. “That’s wrong, man, wrong. I’d hold your hair up for you but you have a penis not a vagina so nix that idea.” Danny chuckles as he fishes into his pocket and pulls out a pack of smokes. He laughs as he brings the raised cigarette into his mouth and casually lights it. “You want one?”

 

“No, those make me gag,” he replies with a wet cough. Another unsuccessful heave and he paused. “I think I’m not going to puke.”

 

Dagda brought down his foot onto Matthew’s back. “Good.” He said as he walked on his back and over him to leave the bathroom with a laugh.

 

“You…” He pukes one last time and there’s the final splash.

 

From around the hall Danny asks, “Man, you done yet? We have shit to do, Lil' Dag, shit to do!"

 

Kivell looks up miserably from the toilet and scrambles up. “Like what shit?”

 

“Errands, just errands,” Dagda says.

 

Kivell steps out of the bathroom and hunts down Dagda. He’s curious as he catches up to Danny and asks, “What errands?”

 

Dagda opened the door and breezes by it, nearly shutting it on Kivell.

 

“Do you remember anything last night?” Dagda hisses then regains his composure. He grabs Matthew firmly on the shoulder, squeezing hard, as he guides him around the corner as he takes a painfully long cigarette drag.

 

--

 

“CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!” The drunken college group chanted as Danny Dagda had Matthew Kivell hanging upside down by the ankles while the SWF referee was chugging directly from the keg with the hose. Suddenly beer flew everywhere and Kivell gasped while the college students went crazy for Matthew.

 

“That’s how you do it Lil’ Dag!” Danny cried as he just dropped Matthew who grunts and hits the ground with a thump. He looked down and saw his protégé on the ground. “Oops… sorry Lil’ Dag.”

 

He swooped down and scooped Matthew up to his feet and stood him up straight. He gave a hard slap on the chest. “Now time for more lessons now that you’ve drank like me.” He flipped a cigarette into his mouth and offered Matthew one who burped then shook his head no.

 

“I’m not trying to be your sidekick, Danny! I just wanted to sniff Megan Skye’s panties!” Kivell barked.

 

“Hey, I thought I could’ve delivered until Maddix won World- she’s all over him now,” Danny Dagda shot back. “I tried to help you out with Amy and Tine!”

 

Kivell stopped and coughed. He turned his head and burped loudly before looking back at Dagda. “No you didn’t! You told me to ask Amy ‘nice legs, when do they open?’ A-a-a-and then you made me ask Tine to pay the dinner bill so she can get used to having some sort of responsibility that comes with women’s rights. Then you told me…”

 

 

“So I like to have a little fun!” Dagda cut him off with a drag of the cigarette. He leaned down and got right near Matthew’s face, the cherry of the cigarette dangling over Matthew’s nose. “Now you’re Lil’ Dag, aren’t you?” He asked as he blew smoke out of his nostrils.

 

Kivell gulped. “Yeah let’s go hit that night club you wanted to…”

 

“Damn straight, now have a cigarette. Peer pressure,” Danny said as he rattled the cigarette pack and fished one out for Matthew Kivell. “Hey maybe now you’ve lost your tobacco virginity we can move on to getting laid with the ring rat Misty!”

 

 

--

“Yeah I remember that but why are you dragging me,” Matthew Kivell pauses before wincing with his shoulders scrunched up. “Can’t you let go of me?” He asks whining. Dagda stopped, sighed, and let go of his hoisting Kivell in the air by the back of his neck. “Better but where are we going?”

 

Danny Dagda slowly counts to ten in his head and says, “Just follow.” He whisks past the turn and walks forward to the arena’s double door entrance into the parking garage. The Newark native speeds up his pace and push the doors open. He looks around angrily and Kivell jogs up behind him.

 

“Who are you looking for?” Kivell asks, short of breath.

 

“Munich.”

 

“Why?” Kivell asks back. “But hey, his car is over there I think.”

 

“Beautiful,” Dagda says and he smirks. “Escort me, Lil’ Dag!”

 

“What? No! Munich is a perfectly good guy! I’m not your little bitch!”

 

“Right, you’re my protégé. Because you worship me, now point me to the car!”

 

“…Danny, I don’t know. Munich has some serious friends,” Kivell says.

 

“What is he in the fucking Russian mafia?” Dagda asks with annoyance.

 

“No.”

 

“Is he in the CIA?”

 

“No…”

 

“Is he representing his hood?” Dagda mocks.

 

“No…”

 

“He was in X-Force Nine, right?” Dagda asks.

 

“Right,” Matthew says.

 

Dagda stops and considers. Then asks, “Well what the fuck do I have to worry about then?

 

“He didn’t do anything to you,” Kivell whines as Dagda drops his cigarette and grabs Matthew.

“NOW SHOW ME WHERE THE CAR IS!” Dagda roars like a lion as he loses his temper. He shuts his eyes and breathes deeply. He drops Matthew to his feet.

 

Matthew Kivell begins to sputter out incoherent syllables.

 

Dagda pauses and cocks his head to the side. “English, do you speak it?”

 

“…”

 

“ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?” Dagda yells loudly as it echoes off the parking garage’s walls.

 

“Just tell me what Munich did and I’ll show you the car!” Kivell caves in. “All that yelling upset my stomach again…” he says with a groan.

 

“Well remember how…”

 

--

“I feel so fucking stupid, you know that!” Kivell complained loudly as Danny Dagda pulled into a parking spot across the street from the night club. He looked down at his clothes, matching identical to Danny, even down to the haircut. “Really fucking stupid!” He drunkenly shouted.

 

Dagda suddenly killed the engine of the black Dodge Durango retail car. He looked over at Kivell and the glare shuts him up. “Let’s try to sneak in through the side door,” Dagda decided as the two got out of the car. They crossed the quiet side-street and snuck past the bouncers at the main entrance then hit the side door. “You open, I’ll do look out.”

 

“Alright,” Matthew said as he began to pry at the door.

 

Dagda looked over to his left and saw an officer walking towards him them slowly. “Whoa, what the HELL are you doing man? Trying to get in without pay, fucking shame on you!” Dagda roared as he did his best to impersonate a bouncer.

 

The officer slowed down and stared.

 

“Yeah I’m going to kick your ass, boy, and then touch myself to Road House!” Dagda continues to roar and glanced back to see the officer convinced. He slowly walks away.

 

“Jesus Christ!” Matthew cried out and wrestled away from Dagda’s grip. “Let’s go.”

 

--

 

“Yeah well that’s got to do with Munich?” Matthew asks Dagda as he begins to burp. “I just swallowed vomit,” he says.

 

“Beautiful, kid, great but just shut up so I can finish the story.” Dagda grunts as he goes back into his pocket for another cigarette.

 

--

 

Inside the club the two began to walk around, Matthew Kivell trying to impersonate the looks that Dagda would throw at random women.

 

“You’ve got it all wrong man,” Dagda said as he smirked and nodded towards a blonde from the bar. She began to walk over and Danny glanced over at the drunken Kivell. “You’re on your own, kid.”

 

“Wait, what? I can’t…”

 

Dagda walked up to meet the attractive women and walked away from Kivell.

 

“Great,” Kivell muttered as he turned around, to see one of the most gigantic women staring at him with an innocent smile.

 

--

 

“Yeah I remember that much! Even drunk that was like screwing Juba the Hut!” Kivell snaps.

 

Dagda cracks up. “Yeah, that was classic. But here’s the part of the story you don’t know.”

 

--

 

Dagda escorted Tracy, his new date for the night, over to the main bar where they both grabbed a bar stool. The two both ordered Jack Daniels and coke at the same time and Dagda looked over with a smirk.

 

“Oh. My. God. Rum and Coke for you too!” Tracy squealed.

 

“No, actually, I saw you drinking one earlier. But Happy Juice is Happy Juice,” Dagda snickers as he snags the shot and takes it down. Tracy’s shoulders slumped in disappointment but suddenly she looked beyond Dagda and began to freak out. “Oh! My! GOD!” She stood up and quickly walked away giddy like a schoolgirl.

 

“Oh come on!” Dagda groaned as he stood up. “Probably her favorite dance song.” He stood up and looked over just to see Tracy talking to a different man. Like an insult to his dignity Dagda stood up and began to look tough, starting to walk towards Tracy. “Now where did you think you were going?” Dagda jokingly asked her as he stared at the man she was talking to. The dark club means all Dagda saw was a cigarette cherry and a brief glance at his face but it looks all too familiar.

 

Tracy turned around and laughed as she flirtingly hit the man on the arm. “Do you like wrestling?” She asked.

 

Dagda stands there dumbfounded.

 

“Because, Davey, this is Munich! You know from the SWF! X-Force Nine, Munich versus Strangler…”

 

Dagda cut her off. “Danny. I know him.”

 

Munich blew out a stream of smoke. “Hey Dagda…”

 

Tracy stopped and looked around. “Oh. My. God… you two know each other?”

 

Munich stood up from his barstool and this time he smirked. “You could say that. Cigarette?”

 

Dagda shook his head no. “I’ve got my own.”

 

“Alright, so what do you want?” Munich asked with venom.

 

“Nothing man. Watch out for her herpes,” Dagda said as he whirled around and started to walk away. Then he stopped and turned around. “Oh, hey, Laci!”

 

“It’s Traci!” She whined.

 

“Whatever, bite him in the nuts, I heard he likes that.” Dagda laughed as she turned around and looked at Munich with an odd look. Munich growled at Dagda and barked out an insult but Danny was already gone.

 

--

“Well he got the girl, big deal!” Matthew says as he coughs again. “Danny I really gotta’ throw up.”

 

“Hold it Dag’, hold it.” Dagda replies then pauses. “Chew and swallow.”

 

“That’s disgusting!”

 

“Yeah well so where’s his car?” Dagda asks.

 

“No way Danny!”

 

“BAD LIL’ DAG, BAD!” Dagda blurts out as he slaps him on back of the head.

 

“You’re abusive!” Kivell shoots back as he burps again.

 

“Worse than Bing Crosby, now where’s his fucking car?” Danny asks again. “Look if you want to ever have a chance to get laid by a fat woman with a bondage and leather fetish…”

 

--

 

Matthew Kivell found himself in a cold, damp basement with a red ball gagging his mouth held by a leather strap and hovering above the floor due to bondage chains. He found himself in nothing but a jockstrap and facing the brick wall as the woman behind him stared at her arsenal of sex toys. She carefully began to choose and grabs a frayed leather whip with a grin. Matthew Kivell groaned miserably as the enormous woman began to strut up to him.

 

Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” boomed loudly in the background as the first crack of the whip smacked Matthew’s back.

 

“SAY MY NAME!” Her voice bellowed as she whipped him again.

 

A muffled sentence came out.

 

“What?”

 

“I can’t!” The barely coherent words spilled out.

 

“Oh yeah?” The woman challenged. She smacked Matthew’s back again.

 

“I’m gagged!” Kivell is ready to cry as the woman stops and realized the situation.

 

She smacks him again with the whip.

 

From outside Dagda had tailed the two for his own twisted amusement as he reached the house. He hopped out of the car and knocked on the door, only to hear a muffled scream. “Lil’ Dag!” He breathed. “Ah well, shit happens…”

 

He stepped down from the porch and began to walk along the side of the house, noticing sensual music and then saw a basement window that had its lights on. He bent down and took a peak, seeing one of the most revolting sights he ever could. “Oh come on!” He said as he walked past the next window to the next smaller window. He examined it then with a swift kick shatters the windows. A rancid stench came pouring out and Dagda can’t help himself but to gag. He then slid through the little broken frame and walked towards the Demon’s pit.

 

--

 

“Now I definitely have to puke!” Matthew groans. “Hey that was all your fault for ditching me too!” He points out. “I can’t believe I’m still talking to you!”

 

“Course you are, you’re Lil’ Dag!” Dagda says. “As I was saying…”

 

--

 

Dagda tip-toed right towards the entrance of the room only to see Kivell nearly being raped by a plastic mace imitation. He gagged and slowly crept into the room. Glancing over at the medieval wooden bookshelf-o-fun he checks his possibilities. Whips, cuffs, GHB, candles, blowtorch, stuffed dead beaver, and other objects are there. But near the top is the Excalibur of them all- an unrealistically huge, floppy purple dildo. He winced as he drew near and grabbed the dildo with a grimace. He then slowly crept over.

 

“Halt! Who goes there?” The deep voice bellows as she turns around only to see a purple flash and then gets smacked right in the head. She teeters then falls over with a monstrous thud that makes the house’s fountain shake.

 

Kivell turned his head over with his eyes shut and he slowly opened them to see Dagda dropping his impromptu weapon then rubbing his hands on his shirt. Danny looked down and carefully plucked away the small key, walked up to Matthew Kivell and freed him.

 

“You okay?” Dagda asked but realized he forgot about the gag. He ripped it off to let Kivell gasp for air.

 

“I’d say I’m pretty fucking far from okay!” Kivell wheezed.

 

“Yeah, well, let’s get the hell out of here. Smells like piss and KFC.”

 

--

 

“So you owe me!” Dagda insists as Kivell groans, knowing he’s right.

 

“It’s the blue SUV right over there,” Kivell caves in as the two head towards it.

 

Dagda examines the car then takes out his keys casually scrapping the car while he walks around to inspect it. “Did he leave any doors open?” Dagda asks as he stares into the tinted windows.

 

“He got the girl, big deal…” Matthew says again.

 

“It’s the principle of the thing, plus he smokes those Marlboros 57s. I don’t like him,” Dagda barks. Danny stops at the trunk and hopelessly tries but it opens. He laughs. “So, what to do to this ride?”

 

Matthew shrugs. “We could piss all over it!”

 

“Too gay, too juvenile… think a bit more sinister,” Dagda says.

 

“We could go find some Mafioso’s that could rig it with a car bomb!” Kivell suggests.

 

“…Too Chris Wilson.” Dagda replies.

 

“We could put a rag in the fuel tank then light up the rag then bleed your name on the ground below it!”

 

Dagda lets the cigarette dangle from his mouth as he stares at Matthew. “Too Insane Luchador meets Clan…”

 

“We could steal it then take it down to a body shop and get it painted pink with purple flowers!”

 

Dagda considers then shakes his head. “Too Chris Lowell meets Midnight Carnival. Alright, how about this… I won’t do anything else and I’ll confront him next time I see him.” Dagda gets no response. He turns around to see Matthew doubled over ready to puke. “Shit, wait!” Dagda cries out as he pops open the SUV’s trunk and then grabs Kivell- throwing his head towards it.

 

He makes the Exorcist seem tame as he spews all over the inside of Munich’s rented car. Meanwhile Dagda backs up a bit laughing then gets himself another cigarette. “Try to get the stereo too if you can reach it,” he crackles.

[Ace309 0]

Are you high?

[A Happy Medium 0]

I like it!! (Y)

[The Ill One 0]

Are you high?

No I'm not. Sadly these were all sober thoughts.

[Sly 0]

Homoerotic.

[Toxxic 0]

WHy is the SWF's head referee being Dagda's bitch?

[The Ill One 0]

'Cause Dagda set him up on a date and now saved his ass. Duh.