Mik 0 Report post Posted April 1, 2005 ESPN.com My favorite: June 3: Stuck on 493 career home runs and without a team to play for, Fred McGriff announces he has begun training for a return under the direction of pro scout and instructor Tom Emanski, whose teams have won back-to-back-to-back AAU National Championships. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KingPK 0 Report post Posted April 1, 2005 June13: The Blue Jays tell reliever Justin Miller that they will add to his many body tattoos by placing a large one that says "5.00 ERA" on his forehead if he doesn't start pitching better. June 15: Baseball purchases the unused Stanley Cup from the cash-strapped NHL for $50 with the idea of presenting it to the best Canadian player at the end of the season. July 17: As Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner take in a Red Sox-Yankees game at Fenway Park, the stadium's scoreboard operator repeatedly flashes: "JENNIFER, YOUR BOYFRIEND IS A NO-TALENT TOOL" on the Jumbotron. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest LooneyTune Report post Posted April 1, 2005 I was looking in an old preview issue (I think 1998), and every other joke was about Hideki Irabu giving up home runs all the time, which ended up getting him promoted. (checks list) April 14th: In a game against the Red Sox, Alex Rodriguez swings and misses for strike three, then slaps the ball out of catcher Jason Varitek's glove in hopes of advancing to first on a passed ball April 26th: Before a home game against the Orioles, John Kerry tells fans at Fenway Park that he will work to get federal funding for construction of a statue outside the stadium to honor Red Sox legend Manny Ortez. Speaking og Irabu... May 12th: With Jose Contreras and Orlando Hernandez already in their rotation, the White Sox sign Hideki Irabu and Brien Taylor to contracts May 17th: Jose Canseco releases a children's book about steroids titled: "Oh! The Places You'll Grow!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
the max 0 Report post Posted April 1, 2005 July 8th: The media continues its unprovoked assault on Barry Bonds and his family by taking turns giving the slugger's son wedgies. July 17th: As Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner take in a Red Sox-Yankees game at Fenway Park, the stadium's scoreboard operator repeatedly flashes: "JENNIFER, YOUR BOYFRIEND IS A NO-TALENT TOOL" on the Jumbotron. August 7th: Pete Rose legally changes his name to Cal Ripken, Jr. in hopes it will help him get into the Hall of Fame in the future. August 23rd: Bartolo Colon and Sidney Ponson face off as starters in an Angels-Orioles match-up and agree to leave a five-foot party sub behind the mound throughout the game so each can feast on it between pitches. Sept. 17th: Fearing torrential rain will postpone their home game against the Dodgers, the Giants prop one of Barry Bonds's spare hats above SBC Park, keeping the entire field dry. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedHermit 0 Report post Posted April 1, 2005 April 11th - Saying he has to prepare for his career after baseball, 38-year-old Giants outfielder Moises Alou announces he will be releasing a line of skin care products. August 22nd - Moises Alou's newest skin care product hits stores, a facial rinse described as "pungent and acidic so you know it's working; contains byproducts and minerals the body usually discards but really needs." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Czech Republic 0 Report post Posted April 1, 2005 April 11th - Saying he has to prepare for his career after baseball, 38-year-old Giants outfielder Moises Alou announces he will be releasing a line of skin care products. August 22nd - Moises Alou's newest skin care product hits stores, a facial rinse described as "pungent and acidic so you know it's working; contains byproducts and minerals the body usually discards but really needs." Moises Alou's first skin care product hits stores, a kind of mud face pack described as, "entirely organic, with bits of peanuts and corn." AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedHermit 0 Report post Posted April 1, 2005 My favorites besides the Moises Alou bodily waste ones: April 8th: "Fever Pitch," starring Jimmy Fallon, opens in theaters nationwide, and baseball postpones all games so fans have time to locate Fallon and beat him with hard objects. May 8th: Mariners pitcher Jamie Moyer defies the laws of physics by throwing a 13-mph fastball that somehow reaches the plate. May 14th: Curt Schilling announces he will be starting his own news wire -- CNT, the Curt News Ticker -- so the nation can be informed 24 hours a day about his life and his opinions on everything from baseball and politics to world history and steroids. May 24th: Mark McGwire tells his son that he should not study for his history final because he should think about the future, not the past. August 8th: House of Representative members call Jeremy Giambi, Armando Rios, Marvin Benard and Randy Velarde to appear before Congress to ask them why they suck so bad despite taking steroids. August 19th: Rumors link Padres third baseman Sean Burroughs to steroids when video highlights of his Little League career broadcast during the Little League World Series show his dramatic weight loss since he was a kid. September 1st: The Red Sox attract a sold-out, standing-room-only crowd -- with tens of thousands more shut outside the stadium -- on Hit Ben Affleck With A Stick Night. September 16th: In a new book, Jose Canseco claims that of all the teammates he ever played with, Willie McGee and Walt Weiss on the 1990 A's team took the most steroids. September 20th: Mark McGwire meets with a team of engineers and physicists from M.I.T. and tells them he wants to finance the construction of a time machine that can take him to the future. September 21st: Ken Griffey, Jr. meets with the same group of scientists and tells them he will finance the construction of time machine that will take him to the past, preferably the 1990s. October 2nd: In the final game of the season with a playoff spot on the line, Curt Schilling takes a perfect game into the ninth inning against the Yankees. With two outs and an 0-2 count on the final batter, Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore run out of the stands and tackle the unsuspecting Schilling for a scene they're shooting for "Fever Pitch 2." The hit breaks Schilling's ankle, knocking him out of the game and spurring the Yankees to victory. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest LooneyTune Report post Posted April 1, 2005 August 8th: House of Representative members call Jeremy Giambi, Armando Rios, Marvin Benard and Randy Velarde to appear before Congress to ask them why they suck so bad despite taking steroids. Other than the running jokes on Jose Canseco, Curt Schilling, Mark McGwire, and Barry Bonds, this is one of the funniest. The Corey Hart one about dropping 6 routine fly balls and blaming it on "wearing sunglasses at night" was pretty funny too. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Vern Gagne 0 Report post Posted April 1, 2005 (edited) April 5th: In an effort to show there are no hard feelings over the Red Sox's decision to hold their World Series ring ceremony before their home opener against New York, the Yankees donate 50,000 unsold "Who's Your Daddy?" T-shirts to a Boston orphanage. May 11th: Randy Johnson tells a reporter he has developed a strong friendship with Yankees hitting coach Don Mattingly because of their mutual interest in the history of mullets in baseball. This one's for KKK August 31st:Cubs manager Dusty Baker asks general manager Jim Hendry to only call up white minor leaguers when rosters expand because he claims they perform better in cooler September temperatures. Edited April 1, 2005 by Vern Gagne Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
HarleyQuinn 0 Report post Posted April 1, 2005 My Favorites April 17th: A flash flood in the Red Sox locker room kills four people when the drains in the team's shower become clogged by body hair. September 2nd: One day after being called up from the minors when rosters expand, Cardinals outfielder Rick Ankiel is pulled from the game after chucking eight balls over the centerfield wall when trying to hit the cut-off man. September 14th: Beginning a vital, late-season home series with the Braves, the Phillies ask star Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb to throw out the first pitch in hopes of exciting the crowd. But faced with the pressure of the spotlight, McNabb gets sick and is unable to get the pitch off in the time allowed. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Czech Republic 0 Report post Posted April 1, 2005 May 14th: Curt Schilling announces he will be starting his own news wire -- CNT, the Curt News Ticker -- so the nation can be informed 24 hours a day about his life and his opinions on everything from baseball and politics to world history and steroids. Whoa I missed that one. Does Curt have a blog? If not, why not? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jericholic82 0 Report post Posted April 2, 2005 Great stuff guys LMFAO heres one from me April 3: In the opening day game, David Wells pitches a perfect game through 7, but after the 7th inning strectch yankee stadium security bans all beer from being sold in fear of a riot. Wells is unable to drink between innings, loses his hangover and the Yanks win 4-3 Ok that was kinda lame but it was my first shot at this. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jericholic82 0 Report post Posted April 2, 2005 and Curt Schilling really comes of as a total a-hole in every interview I have seen. even before he came to boston. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest LooneyTune Report post Posted April 3, 2005 Great stuff guys LMFAO heres one from me April 3: In the opening day game, David Wells pitches a perfect game through 7, but after the 7th inning strectch yankee stadium security bans all beer from being sold in fear of a riot. Wells is unable to drink between innings, loses his hangover and the Yanks win 4-3 Ok that was kinda lame but it was my first shot at this. What? These jokes are from an ESPN column, not made up by anyone here. (still gagging about Alou joke) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jericholic82 0 Report post Posted April 3, 2005 Great stuff guys LMFAO heres one from me April 3: In the opening day game, David Wells pitches a perfect game through 7, but after the 7th inning strectch yankee stadium security bans all beer from being sold in fear of a riot. Wells is unable to drink between innings, loses his hangover and the Yanks win 4-3 Ok that was kinda lame but it was my first shot at this. What? These jokes are from an ESPN column, not made up by anyone here. (still gagging about Alou joke) oops I thought some people were making them up, thats what i get for skimming thru Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Spaceman Spiff 0 Report post Posted April 3, 2005 -The Cubs announce they will install an MRI machine in their dugout at Wrigley Field so they can examine Mark Prior and Kerry Wood between innings. -Derek Jeter's legend grows even grander when he ends a game against the Red Sox by catching a routine pop-up inside the third-base line, the momentum of which carries him an additional 25 yards and catapults him six rows into the stands. -With the pennant races really beginning to heat up, marches are held throughout the Midwest and West, demanding more media coverage of the Yankees and Red Sox. -Yankees manager Joe Torre smashes Kevin Brown's hand against a wall so he'll be unable to pitch for the team in the playoffs. And here's a couple for Al: -Red Sox advisor Bill James announces he has yet to figure out a formula or develop a theorem explaining why he couldn't get a girlfriend in high school. -With the playoffs set to begin in a week, the publisher of Billy Beane's "Moneyball" re-releases the book with a special prologue by the A's GM on how his strategies don't work for the playoffs. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
